Date: Tue, 16 Apr 2013 14:39:39 -0700
From: B.E. Kelley <hailcaesar2011@hotmail.com>
Subject: The Peace Within Chapter 7

This story is a work of FICTION. The events described are my own invention.
Any similarities to actual events or persons are strictly coincidental. The
author retains the copyright, and any other rights, to this original story.
You may not publish it or any part of it without my explicit authorization.

This story contains depictions of consensual sexual acts between teenage
males.  It is intended for mature audiences only.  If you find this type of
material offensive or if you are under the legal age to read said material;
please proceed no further.

Comments are always welcome at: hailcaesar2011@hotmail.com

The Peace Within
Chapter 7

Dr. Hildebrand is dad's business partner, they share an office and consult
on each other's patients, he's been treating me and Patton since we were
born. I suppose it's like they say about people who defend themselves in
court, they have fools for clients, likewise, the doctor that treats his
own kids, is probably asking for trouble.  After the incident at the
university, dad wanted me to start seeing Dr. Clark but his patient roster
was full, he'd only seen me, initially, as a favor to dad.  Dr. Hildebrand
wanted to see me for himself and then make his recommendation for a regular
therapist.

My appointment started with a physical, then we sat down in his office.  I
was sitting between my parents, mom having taken the day off, again.

"Well Parker you're in excellent physical health although your weight is
down a bit.  At your last checkup you were 150 pounds, which is an ideal
weight for a boy your size, now you're down to 141," said Dr. Hildebrand

"He doesn't eat," said mom.

"I eat," I objected.

"He doesn't eat much," dad corrected.

"Why aren't you eating, Parker?" asked Dr. Hildebrand, "not hungry?"

"No, it makes me a little nauseous," I grumbled.

"I see," said Dr. Hildebrand, making a note on my chart, "what do you
think's making you nauseous?"

"I don't know, life?" I asked.

"Parker, are you having suicidal thoughts?" Dr. Hildebrand asked, bluntly,
"if so, I really need you to tell me right now."

I could hear my parents take deep breaths and hold them, waiting for my
answer.  The truth of the matter was, I hadn't considered killing myself,
mom and dad already lost one son, I couldn't do that to them.  I felt
trapped, I wasn't getting better, the guilt was almost crippling and it was
compounded by how I was affecting my parents.  I shook my head, no.

"You know it's natural to feel depressed, after a tragedy like this,
right?" asked the doctor.

I nodded, yes.

"He had a panic attack the other day," said mom, "I took him to the
memorial service at the university, I left him for just a minute and found
him hiding under a piano in a restaurant on State Street."

"What brought that about?" asked Dr. Hildebrand.

"He didn't really say much about it," said mom.

The doctor's eyes bore into me.

"I was just scared, I guess," I replied.

"What are you scared of?"

"What do you think?" I asked.

"I wouldn't ask if I knew," Dr. Hildebrand smiled.

I just looked away, if he couldn't figure it out on his own, well, I wasn't
in the mood to talk about it.

"How about school, you start back in a few days, how do you feel about
that?" asked Dr. Hildebrand, changing gears.

"I don't know," I replied.

"Do you think you're up for it?"

"I'm worried about that," said mom, "his friends come over to see how he's
doing but he won't talk to any of them, I don't know what's going to happen
when he goes back to school."

"I just don't want everyone hovering over me," I replied.

"People just want to help," said dad.

"And that's just it, I don't want help, I want to be left alone.  Patton
was my brother, not anyone else's, let me grieve my way," I huffed.

"That's the point honey, I don't think you are dealing with it," said mom.

"Son, we can't even begin to imagine what this is like for you, but you
can't keep pushing us away, we love you and we want to be part of the
solution," said dad.

"Erik, Andrea, you're Parker's support network, he's going to need your
help to get through this," said Dr. Hildebrand, "but there's no harm in
taking a step back and giving him a little breathing room, he just needs
some time to come to grips with things."

I was grateful to him for that, at least he seemed to understand how I
felt.

"I'm going to write you a refill for the prescription Dr. Clark gave you
for Xanax and I'm going to recommend Dr. Ryan Kitridge, he's an excellent
psychiatrist.  I think we're looking at a classic case of post-traumatic
stress disorder, but that's good, we know what caused it, obviously, and
Dr. Kitridge will help you work through it," said Dr. Hildebrand.

Pssh, you think you know what's causing it.  Yes, it was the result of
Patton's murder but it went much deeper than that.  I was sure that no one
had any clue what I was feeling.  Dr. Hildebrand gave dad my prescription,
he said he'd pick it up after work.  Mom took the information for
Dr. Kitridge, she drove me home and I went up to my room, while she made my
appointment.

I lie on my bed and stared at the celling.  I was tired of feeling like
this but there wasn't much I could do about it.  The Xanax helped but I was
a little worried about how many of them I was taking, Dr. Clark had written
me a prescription for 10 days worth, they were gone in 5.  One thing that
stood out was the fact that no one could read my mind, no one knew what I
was thinking and maybe I could use that to my advantage.  The writer Aaron
Sorkin once wrote, "Act as if you have faith and faith will be given to
you.  In other words, fake it till you make it."  Maybe that could work for
me, if I acted like I wasn't on the verge of a total meltdown, maybe my
emotions would even out?

With that in mind, I set out on a plan to fake it till I made it. That's
not to say that I turned into Mary Sunshine overnight, they wouldn't
believe that and it wouldn't be right.  My twin brother was dead, I'm
entitled to grieve for him, I'm just trying to reengage enough to get my
parents to relax and maybe, just maybe, jumpstart my recovery and block out
this ever present guilt.

It was a good plan and I think it was working.  Mom and dad gave me the
space I needed and Dr. Hildebrand recommended.  I was doing my best not to
be so grouchy and forcing myself to get back into the swing of things, like
reading and, I even had my friend Danny come over and kick the soccer ball
around.  I picked Danny because he's the quiet type, like me, and I knew
he'd be fine, just hanging out in the back yard, kicking the ball.  He
wouldn't feel the need to ask how I was feeling or pester me about my
emotions.

On the Sunday before I was scheduled to return to school, I worked up the
courage to go for a run.  At first, the fresh air felt good, I'd been
cooped up for a couple of weeks and when you're used to being out in the
fresh air, you start to miss it when you can't have it.  I was doing fine,
until I ran by someone's house and their cat jumped up on the hood of their
car.  Normally this wouldn't be a problem but the cat set off the car alarm
and it sounded just like the fire alarm that had been blaring during my
last call from Patton.

At first, the noise startled me and I dove into a bush for cover.  It
rained that morning and I quickly found myself covered in mud.  The problem
got worse when the alarm kept going, evidently the owner of the car wasn't
home to turn it off and that ear splitting wail wouldn't stop.  I sat in
that bush and rocked myself for almost 15 minutes. All I could think about
was Patton's dead body and all those poor students and teachers who lost
their lives.  I wasn't friends with any of the other kids but I knew who
some of them were, they'd been in my classes, I'd seen them in the halls
and now they were gone.

When my latest panic attack finally stopped, I picked myself up and brushed
as much of the mud from my clothes as I could.  I tried to dry the tears
from my cheeks but I only succeeded in turning my face into a muddy mess as
well.

"Jesus, Parker, what happened to you?" asked mom, when I entered the mud
room.

"I-I tripped over a break in the sidewalk, landed right in a mud puddle," I
lied.

I didn't like lying to mom but at this point, I was hiding so much, I
didn't think one more lie would matter.  I wanted to go to school tomorrow,
I thought if I just kept up with the fake it till you make it strategy, I'd
be ok.  Going to school was a big part of that, I was scared to death to be
there but if I could overcome that, it would be a good step in the right
direction.

"You're absolutely covered in muck, stay there and take your clothes off,
I'll go get your bathrobe and then you can jump in the shower," said mom.

"But mom..." I objected.

"No but's honey, I can't have you tracking that mud all through the house,
I'll be right back," said mom, she was gone before I could raise more
objections.

I resigned myself to my fate, then kicked off my muddy Asics, pulled off my
socks and took off my track pants.  My sweatshirt and boxer-briefs were wet
too, but I didn't want to wait there, naked.  I stood there, shivering in
my soiled underwear, when mom came back with my robe.

"Ok, sweatshirt and undies too," said mom, after she picked up my muddy
pants and socks.

"I was waiting for my robe, I'll give you my underwear after I put it on,"
I said.

"What about your sweatshirt," asked mom.

"It's not that wet," I stated.

"Parker, it's soaked," mom objected.

"Fine," I sighed, then took off my sweatshirt.

"Parker," mom gasped, "what happened?"

On my left side, just above my hip, there was a series of small, angry
looking bruises.

"It's nothing," I replied, without meeting her gaze, "it must have happened
when I fell."

"If it's nothing, why didn't you want me to see it?" said mom.

"I don't know, I didn't want you to freak out like this," I retorted.

"Put your robe on, give me your underwear, then up to the shower ok?" mom
instructed.

"Ok," I sighed, then tied my robe around my waist and shimmied out of my
Calvin Klein's.

Alright, so the bruises weren't from the fall, yes I lied to my mom but it
was only to spare her feelings.  You see, sometimes I'll be sitting there,
staring off into space and I'll start to have a flashback, they're just
like my dreams only I'm wide awake when they happen.  I can't do anything
to stop them, the only thing that's managed to snap me out of it, is to
pinch myself as hard as I can.  The area above my hip is soft and
sensitive, a good hard twist there and the pain draws my attention away
from the images in my head.  You can see why I haven't mentioned it to
anyone, I don't want them to lock me up and throw away the key.

I guess mom believed my story about the bruises, or she was ignoring it,
either way, she didn't say anything when I came downstairs for dinner and
my dad never brought it up either.  I tried to be upbeat and enthusiastic
about going to school the next day, I guess I was kind of curious to see
what Bartlett Academy would be like, Patton and I almost went there.  I'd
never thought of that before, we'd been given the option of attending the
prestigious private school or going to Shelton.  We'd both picked Shelton,
Patton because he didn't want to leave his friends, I said the same thing,
but in reality, he was the dominate twin and I wanted to make him happy.

At the time, I really wanted to go to Bartlett, they had some amazing
programs and my inner nerd was drooling over the options I'd have open to
me after graduating from such a well-regarded school.  Patton used to tease
me and say that I always got my way because I was mom's favorite, he was
only joking but boy was that ironic, if I'd gotten my way, he'd be here
right now, instead I let him have what he wanted.

Mom and dad tried to make Monday as normal for me as possible.  Normally
we'd all scramble around the breakfast table before going our separate
ways, then Patton and I would drop Patrick off at school before heading
over to Shelton.  My parents were both running late that day, they'd asked
if I wanted them to drive us, but I told them I was ok and they didn't
press the issue.  After we finished our cereal, Patrick and I walked out to
the Volvo.

I sat there for a few minutes, my hands on the wheel, remembering the last
time I'd been in this car.  Patton had driven us home from school, we
stopped so I could buy cough drops and orange juice, Derek Carter waited on
me, he smiled and tried to talk to me about piano lessons and then, and
then...

"Parker?" said Patrick.

"Huh, what?" I replied, he'd snapped me out of what was sure to be another
panic attack.

"It's almost 7:45, we're going to be late," Patrick reminded me.

"Sorry buddy," I replied, then started the car.

"Are you ok?" asked Patrick, "I can call mom on her cell, she's probably
not too far."

"No, I'm ok, I was just thinking about something," I explained.

"About Patton?"

"Yeah," I sighed.

"I think about him too," said Peter.

"Yeah, I'm sure you do, you know he loved you a lot, right?" I asked.

"Yeah, I know," said Patrick.

"For what it's worth, I'm sorry I haven't been..." I started.

"It's ok, you're sad, I understand," said Patrick.

"Thanks," I almost whispered, then changed my tone, "right then, let's get
going."

I dropped Patrick off at school and he reminded me that mom would be
picking him up, I was supposed to see my psychiatrist that afternoon, he'd
put the address in my phone for me the night before.  I thanked him and
then let out a little sigh when he closed the door.  Just a couple of short
weeks ago, I would have been the one reminding Patrick and Patton of their
appointments and putting addresses in their phones.  I couldn't help but
think how low I'd sunk that my baby brother had to help hold me together.

The drive to Bartlett was uneventful, I quickly found a parking place and
planned to slip anonymously into first period, but that was not to be.  Lee
and Henry were waiting for me when I walked up to the main entrance, I'd
ignored repeated attempts for them to visit me after the funeral, but I
couldn't avoid them now.

"Hey man," said Henry, he hugged me and so did his brother.

Lee hasn't been the same since the shooting, he used to be loud and kind of
obnoxious, now, I don't think I've heard him saw more than three words at a
time.  The more time I spend around him, the more I see the symptoms, he's
suffering too.

"Hey," I replied, "what's going on?"

There was a large crowd outside the entrance, they were forming a line and
I couldn't see what for.

"Metal detectors, school board's idea to keep us all safe," Henry said,
sarcastically.

"Yeah, what's that they say about locking the chicken coop after the wolf's
inside?" I asked.

"Uh, I don't know, what do they say?" asked Henry, he was Patton's buddy
and he was trying very hard to be nice to me, so I resisted the urge to be
"the Professor."

"Nothing, just something I heard somewhere," I replied.

I followed Lee and Henry through the security checkpoint with my head down,
I was conscious of people staring at me and it made me nervous.  It was to
be expected, my identical twin was dead and they were all used to seeing
him roam the halls.  I've always been the shy one, the uptight, quiet
one. I forgot how much I lived in Patton's shadow, he was popular,
everyone's friend, some of the looks I was getting said what I was
thinking, "why did it have to be him, why couldn't it have been you?"

I shook it off, let a security officer search my backpack, then headed off
to class.  Lee and Henry stayed with me, I assumed their class must be near
mine, but I figured out what was really going on, when Marshall Davis
walked up to me.  Marshall is on my soccer team, he's a friendly sort, but
he's got something of a big mouth.

"Hey Westergaard, how's it going," Marshall smiled.

"Ok Marshall, you?" I replied.

"I'm good, grateful for the 2 week vacation, ya know?" said Marshall.

"No, I'm sure I don't," I replied, was he stupid, didn't he know?

"Oh, right, your brother, man that sucks," said Marshall.

"Yeah," I agreed.

"You holding up ok?" asked Marshall.

"Yeah, I'm ok," I replied.

"Are you sure, I mean if some guys blew..." Marshall started.

"He said he's ok, why don't you mind your business and go to class?" said
Henry.

He'd been so quiet, I'd almost forgotten that he was there but after
Marshall's comment, he'd put his shoulders back, puffed out his chest and I
was pretty sure he was ready to kick Marshall's teeth down his throat.

"Yeah, I better go," Marshall cowered, "I'm sorry Parker, really, I didn't
mean to be such an asshole."

He was gone before I could reply, instead, I directed my attention to
Henry.

"You didn't have to do that..." I started.

"He was being an..." Henry began.

"You didn't have to do that," I spoke over him, "but thanks."

"No problem," said Henry, the slightest smile spreading across his face.

"Anyway, this is my class, see you later?" I asked.

"Sure, you wanna have lunch with us?" asked Lee.

"Um, you know what, that would be nice," I replied.

"Alright, we'll see you then," said Henry.

I walked into class and took my seat, a few people stared at me but most of
them seemed a little shell shocked themselves.  When Mr. Preston, our
history teacher, came into the room, it was enough of a distraction to draw
their attention away from me.

"Good morning geniuses," smiled Mr. Preston, he says it to all his
students, not just the honor's kids.

"So let's address the elephant in the room," said Mr. Preston, "do we want
to talk about it or get back to the French Revolution?"

No one said anything, some people sat quietly, others looked around the
room and still others looked at the board.  Mr. Preston waited a few
minutes but when no one spoke, he took out a marker and started to write on
the dry erase board.

"Alright then, we were talking about Napoleon and the..." he started.

"Charlie Baxter lived on my block, I didn't really know him well but he was
nice to me when I did talk to him, his parents put their house up for
sale," said Tyler Whitlock.

"Marion liked to sow, she used to do alterations and she helped me with my
prom dress, she was sweet," said Lisa Meeks.

"My little brother was in the library, he made it out ok but he saw
everything," said Jenifer Sylvester, "it was weird, when he was finally
evacuated and my mom and dad were able to take him home, he didn't act like
anything happened at all, all he wanted to do was watch TV."

"I don't understand why this had to happen, the news keeps saying that
Carter and Warner got pushed around a little, but so what, that happens to
all of us, high school sucks but you don't see the rest of us going out on
a rampage," said Mike Sanchez.

"It's the guns, anyone can get them, if we had better gun laws..." Shannon
Levy began.

"Don't be stupid, they got guns illegally, they trespassed, committed arson
and oh yeah, let's not forget MURDER, you think they would have just
changed their minds if we had one more law for them to break?" said Aaron
Geringer.

"Maybe they were..." Shannon began to defend herself.

"We don't need any more gun laws," I practically whispered it but everyone
heard it and everyone looked at me.

"Did you want to say something, Mr. Westergaard?" asked Mr. Preston.

"We don't need any more gun laws, there aren't any laws we can pass to
protect ourselves from this, this...evil," I muttered, "if you took away
the guns, they still had bombs, if you took away the bombs, they'd just
find something else, you can't legislate against evil, evil finds a way."

I put my head down after that.  My class kept talking about everything that
happened since the shooting but I'd said my peace and I didn't want to
listen anymore.  None of them knew what this was like, sure, some of them
knew people who died, some of them had friends or family who had come under
fire, but none of them had lost a brother.  I was surrounded by people, but
I was all alone.

I didn't fall asleep but I never heard the bell ring, Mr. Preston had to
tap me on the shoulder so that I could go to my next class.  There were
more stares and more awkward glances throughout the day, but I guess I was
getting used to it, it wasn't bothering me as much.  I ate lunch with Lee
and Henry but I just listened to them talk to their friends.  Kelsey came
into the lunch room just as I stood up to leave, she looked right at me,
then turned and went the other direction.  When classes ended for the day,
I found the address Patrick had put in my phone, then drove across town to
Dr. Kitridge's office.

My first appointment didn't inspire much confidence, it was so, clinical.
I sat there and went over the symptoms I'd manifested, talked about how the
Xanax was affecting me and that I was having trouble sleeping.
Dr. Kitridge was nice enough, he was kind of young, he was pleasant but he
wasn't telling me what I wanted to hear.  I wanted to hear that everything
was going to be ok, that in a few weeks I'd be back to normal and my heart
wouldn't feel like it was torn in half and running on life support.

Of course, I wasn't telling him everything he wanted to hear either.  I
wasn't telling him about the guilt I was feeling, I didn't tell him about
my encounter with Derek Carter the night before the shooting and you can
bet I didn't tell him about Parker's phone call.  At the end of our
session, if you can call it that, Dr. Kitridge gave me a prescription for
sleeping pills and a refill on my Xanax.  He said that therapy is a process
and that we'd start getting into the meat of my problem, when we met next
week.

Mom and dad were full of questions that night.  How was your first day?
How are the other kids holding up?  What did you think of Bartlett?  Would
you like to transfer there next year? What was Dr. Kitridge like? Did he
say anything about the bruises on your tummy?  Yeah, I guess mom hadn't
forgotten that after all, and judging from the look on dad's face, he
already knew, he didn't skip a beat.  I don't know what Dr. Kitridge would
have said about the bruising, I didn't tell him.

I answered the questions as best I could, fake it till you make it, but as
soon as dinner was over, I headed to my room.  I didn't have any homework,
none of the teachers wanted to be the one to do that on the first day back.
With nothing better to do, I pulled Patton's jacket from under my pillow
and fell asleep cradling it in my arms.

For the rest of the week, school was pretty much the same, awkward stares,
random crying, discussion after discussion of the shooting, lunch with Lee
and Henry, and then there was Kelsey.  I ran into her every day, she came
into the cafeteria just as I was finishing lunch, she looked at me, then
turned and walked out.  You can imagine my surprise when I came home
Friday, and found her waiting at my front door.

Mom and dad were both still at work and Patrick had baseball practice, he
was getting a ride from Simon and his parents and wouldn't be home until
dinner time.  I parked the Volvo then sat there for a second, I was afraid
of Kelsey, the last time I'd seen her, she'd latched on to me and
practically clawed my face while calling me Patton, over and over again.  I
didn't know what I would do, if she wigged out on me again, but I couldn't
just sit there.

"Hi Kelsey," I stated, when I walked up to the door.

"Don't worry, I'm not going to freak out on you," she smiled.

"Oh, I wasn't worried about that," I blushed, like hell I wasn't.

"Sure," she smiled, "can we talk?"

"Yeah I guess so," I replied, then stood there like an idiot.

"So can I come in?" she asked.

"Right, sorry, come on in," I blushed.

She followed me inside and stood there while I turned off the alarm system.

"So uh, I'll be right back, I just have to throw my bag in my room," I
stated, then ran off.

I ran up to my room and tossed my bag over by my desk, when I turned
around, she was standing in the doorway.  I was pretty jumpy, I hadn't
heard her follow me and I almost leapt out of my skin.

"Relax," said Kelsey, she put her hand on my chest and gently walked me
back until my knees hit the bed and I fell into a seated position, "I just
came to talk to you, that's all."

"Ok," I nodded, as she sat next to me, close, very close.

She didn't say anything for a minute, she just reached over and stroked my
hair, just above my ear.

"You guys look so much alike," said Kelsey.

"I'm not him, Kelsey."

"I know Parker, I really do, I just thought, Patton was special to both of
us and we should be friends, is that ok?" said Kelsey, she was massaging
the back of my neck now.

"Yeah, I guess that would be ok," I replied, shyly.

"Parker?"

"Yeah?" I replied, turning to face her.

She kissed me right on the lips and I was too stunned to do anything about
it.  I felt her tongue pressing against me and on instinct alone, I parted
my lips and let it slip inside.  She kissed me for a long time and then she
pushed me back so that I was lying on my bed.  She straddled my body and
started to nibble on my ear, I didn't know what to say or do, then she
unhooked her bra.

"Uh, uh, Patrick's going to be home any time now..." I muttered.

"Kip's on his baseball team," that's her little brother, "they won't be
finished with practice for another hour."

She started kissing me again and I wished I had the courage to stop her.  I
was afraid of what would happen if I said no and afraid of what would
happen if she kept going.  I am so damn tired of being afraid.

Kelsey rubbed my chest and then moved her hands lower, massaging each of my
abs before her nimble fingers found my belt buckle.  She had my belt open
so fast, then she made short work of my button and zipper.  I felt her
fingers pull at the waistband of my underwear and then I snapped.

"No!" I exclaimed.

"No?" said Kelsey.

"I-I can't do this, you don't want this, I'm not Patton," I spluttered.

"I thought you wanted to be friends," said Kelsey.

"Friends don't make out, friends don't pull each other's pants down," I
retorted.

"Sure they do," she smiled and then kissed my neck.

I felt like I was about to cry.

"Kelsey, please don't, I can't do this," I whined.

"Don't be silly, of course you can," said Kelsey, then she grabbed my dick
and groped me, "oh, maybe you can't."

I was soft, not even semi hard and I pulled away from her.  I backed up
against the headboard and found myself in a now familiar position, my knees
up to my chest, while I rocked back and forth.

"I-I'm sorry Parker, I don't know what came over me," Kelsey blushed.

"Can you leave me alone, please?" I whispered.

"Sure, are you ok?" she asked.

"I'm ok, I just want to be alone," I replied.

"Ok, Parker, I really am sorry," said Kelsey, then she was gone.

When she left, I jumped out of bed, pulled up my zipper and ran downstairs.
I locked the door so that Kelsey couldn't change her mind and come back,
then I went back upstairs and paced in front of the window.

I was really upset by the encounter, it was wrong, she was Patton's
girlfriend, I'd never even thought of her sexually before, she was off
limits.  But, a nagging voice in the back of my head kept saying, she's a
pretty girl, why didn't you get an erection?  Even if she is Patton's
girlfriend, she kissed you, she was touching you, didn't that do anything
for you at all?  What's wrong with you, Parker?

I couldn't talk to mom and dad about this, they'd freak out, they'd call
the Millers.  I couldn't tell Dr. Kitridge, I didn't trust him.  The
solution presented itself when I opened my desk drawer, Peter's email
address was lying there on top of a stack of DVD blanks.  I turned on my
laptop and fired off a quick email.

"Something's wrong with me.  I'm scared all the time, I've had panic
attacks, my brother's girlfriend practically raped me and I couldn't
even... You said I could talk to you, that you knew what this was like,
were you serious? Parker."

It was a rambling note, I probably sounded like a psycho and I'd be lucky
if the Secret Service didn't kick down my door and bust me for harassing
this guy.  I was kicking myself for sending the email, when I looked up and
saw a reply in my inbox.

"CALL ME! 555-3125, Peter."