Date: Sun, 11 Jul 2004 14:39:41 -0700 (PDT)
From: B Hopeless <hopeless@e-garfield.com>
Subject: Gay - High School: The-Truth-About-Matt

DON'T read this text if you don't want to think about the
"What would have happened if..." question...
Otherwise, please feel free to do so! Sorry for any irregularities
in this text, and the poor use of English..
I hope what i tried to outline comes across to you! :)

----

I am going to be way too informative, and make it easy to people
i know to recognise this piece of writing..

It all started in England, two years ago when I came to join the
6th form in a public school as a scholar. I come from a small
country and saw this as a chance to pick up some English over
a year - it became two years and likely to go to uni here as well..

I've been told a lot of times that i act way more mature for
my age than a lot of other guys.. For a long time i thought
that was something good.. But i started to believe that - because
of this - i am missing out on a lot of things!!

The first few days i though to myself "what the hell am i doing
here?".. everything was so unlike home, but hey, this _IS_ a
different country with different views of life. I'm loving it now

I arrived on a Tuesday - went straight to bed right after a
very long shower.. The school is situated in the South-East
area, and has the most awsome view of the countryside from the
top of the hill. There are just under half a thousand pupils
around with about a hundred teachers. It is a fairly small
community.. The first week was pretty lousy and i was well
scared to attend any of my lessons. :) Me, who only learnt
English from textbooks had to apply my knowledge 'on the fly'..

Next Monday was the day I first saw Him! He is about six foot 2,
has short brown hair, green-bluish eyes with a killer smile.
The way his lips curve is something unique :) The cutest pair
of lips i've ever seen! It turns out that he is some kind of
a genius, a straight A student and that most girls fall for him..
 Now that is something i do understand - why. It is quite silly
thinking about it, but i would spy on him every day, what he
was up to, what lessons he attended and eventually i found out
His name.. Simple, short yet very powerful: Matt
We would make the odd conversations - since at the time we did
not share any lessons -, which were the most surreal, usually about
the weather :) My heart was racing as soon as he asked something
or showed any interest.. I was honestly scaring myself about just
how far i would go to figure out things about him.. On the other
hand, i wanted to make friend with him, so i would engage in any
pointless conversations i could think of when he was around - for
which i would get a puzzled look on his face.. Just what i wanted!

I would look at him until our eyes meet and then quickly take
them off him so that he does not feel stared at.. and it carried on
until one day I was walking down from the science blocks back to
my boarding house, and he was still in a lesson. He was about to
pack up his books and our eyes met again.. But this time we
maintained eye contact until the hedge was in the way and blocked
the sight... (I was with another scholar - she is Polish and a
very nice girl to hang out with.. she gave me a questioning look
afterwards, because i totally ignored her in that few seconds)
 Well, after that i felt like i could fly! Is it called
love?! :) I really can't handle situations like this nor can I read
anyones way of looking at someone, and that is my big problem! If
only i could tell if that look was one that said "You fucking weirdo"
or "Hm, who are you?"... (I wish it was the second one.)

A few days later i joined the maths class he attended to.. It was
already 'late' to join since they've already started the syllabus
by the time, but because i learned the stuff before they gave me
green lights! I considered it as a big step forward! Considering
that by the start of the year we did not have one minute to share,
we now had eight periods in a week to fullfil my needs and hunger
of seeing him.. The year was passing by extremely quickly and I
felt like i had to do something to get his attention, which i don't
think ever succeeded.. Summer came and that was the time I figured
I'd stay for the second year to finish off my studies in England..
I brought up his pictures on my laptop screen at least once a day
to admire him.. After the summer holiday there were a few clashes
in our timetables and He had to change Physics classes and join
mine. I'm not sure if that did any good to me at all.. There is
no one day apart from sunday when I don't get to see him and this
really pushed me forward in falling in love with him.. At least
sixteen periods in a week, that is about twelve hours or so.. ough..

About him: He is a funny guy.. He would make the even most miserable
person smile! He has the ability to make you forget whatever is on
your soul and get you some time of relief and laughter! He would put
on silly faces and pinch/touch you so you feel challenged to do the
same back. The way i never seen him with anyone got me think that
there must be something 'wrong' there.. How come a gorgeous guy like
him does not have hundreds of chicks running after him?! But this
must be me blindfolded to see reality.. He is only half English,
which makes me think that all his good qualities -that is, everything-
must come from the foreigner side and not the English one -no offence
there-... Funny, but we have quite a lot in common.. We would make
pretty much the same mistakes in our answers and work..
He really is a great guy and this does not help!!

His eighteenth birthday party was a few months after we started
school.. One half of me really wanted to go and just sit in a corner
and watch him all night! The other half was hesitating - do i want
to hurt myself that much?! Then i thought I'd buy him a card and
give that to him.. something that says some feelings but not too
obvious about what is going on.. Took more than half an hour and
I still could not find the right one.. So i think i chose the
stupidest out of all! :) wrote an even more stupid quote in it and
sealed the envelope.. On that night I arranged myself a chinese
with some of my friends and asked them if they would mind taking me
to his party and drop the card off.. When I got there, there were hardly
anyone, but of course he was there! I gave him the card and i had to say
probably one of the hardest/stupidest things i ever had to..
that is "Sorry, i can't stay you know, i already have something
arranged and they would be quite upset if i didn't keep my promise.."
and i left.. He was just as understanding as ever and said it was no
problem.. Is that yet another mistake i made? I think it is.. On
the other hand i would not have had a lift back home, which would have
been a problem..

A couple of weeks later it was My eighteenth b'day... My friends who
i had chinese with, and work in the school with invited me to their
house to celebrate there with them! It was quite a surreal situation..
They are my probably only Friends and we had a quiet night, with
a few bottles of beer and a rather nice ready made birthday cake!
That was it.. and yet, probably one of the most happiest moments
in my life - i felt happy.. Far from home, far from my family -
and yet i was happy..?..  I had my phone on me just in case He
texted me.. well, he did not. He asked about two weeks beforehand
when i had my bday so he knew about it but i didn't get any messages
through that night.. So that's about bein happy.. A few pints of
cider came next, my first ever time of legal alcohol! :) And the
fist ever thought that i had to get drunk to forget about him.. never
worked really.. the more i drank the worse i felt about him and i..

I always wanted to show him just how i felt: the first year i though
i'd print out the lyrics of the song "You're just too good to be
true...", but i never had the courage to leave the printout in his
schoolbag, although would have had plenty of opportunities to do so..
Whenever he needed some software and i wrote it on CDs i always put
some kind of mp3 on it as well so when he browses he would find it..
It happend a few times, never even a word mentioned about it...

The quite recently i left a CD on his car's doorhandle, with a little
smiley face on it.. He asked me if it was me who left it there and
i did not deny it.. He then told me that there are some good songs
on it, and that he really liked some of them.. and that was it..

maybe i'm just too much of a coward and don't want to risk our "kind of"
friendship which i think is far too fragile, and tell him how i feel
about him.. how crazy i am about him... The song "I think I love you"
kept going on and on in my head night and night for months now, and i
think i can't cope with this...  Whenever He needs help i'm there to
help him whether its academic or something that he doesn't know how to
do on the computer, but i don't think i could just turn around and
say nothing happened... I really don't have a clue what to do next..
probably this is going to end up with major regrets.. Far from alright
but I think this is the point where i have to stop, and rethink what
i really want.. And remember that I cannot force my love on anyone,
and i can only help people to be happy..

Having read through the text above i realise how much of a selfish
bastard I am and that the word "I" turns up the most frequently.. hmm..

----

Addition: Last week of school... For Wednesday the whole year had
a bbq planned on a beach, so we could have a nice 'last' time together..
The food was a bit undercooked but overall it was a great success. That
night i had a very weird dream about some kind of a party, which when
ended, i walked him to his car which - quite funnily - was a few corners
down from the house.. the next thing i can recall is that we were
walking closely next to each other and i slowly touched his right hand
and then held it - I seriously felt ever so happy..
Then he drove off without a word and the dream ended with tears in my
eyes.. All next day i just didn't find my place.. Now he is off to a
party of one of our mate's, while i'm writing these lines..

----

I past caring now, so i invited Him to the barbecue I'm going to hold in
4 weeks time.. We are not going to meet in the near future, so i AM going
to give him this file and confess..
Although I still think being friends is more than i can ask for in this
case, i believe that he has the right to know why i told him things i did
and why i acted so weird around him all times..
I am going to face any consequences regardless what they might be!

----

Sorry guys if you feel like it was a waste of time to read this giberrish
text but there aren't always friendships that work out! Friendships?
Relationships? Love?  - Not yet and who knows when!

Ps: I also remember the time when i gave him a word written in my
language.. :) It meant "I love you".. he didn't figure out what it
meant until the next morning, and then he was quite surprised..
He still remembers this word.. I'm not sure if it means anything,
i am just a little boy really who likes dreaming...

Well, sorry again if it was something that you didn't quite understand..
nor do I get what was/is going on.. At all!!
But things can only get better..

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any comments: email: hopeless@e-garfield.com