Date: Mon, 14 May 2001 20:11:45 -0400
From: Justin <Jus10AD@sc.rr.com>
Subject: Through My Eyes, Chapter 14 (Category: Gay/ High School)

Through My Eyes
Chapter 14

I stared at my mother, unable to speak, hoping that I was hearing things. I
couldn't catch my breath and I searched her face to see if I could find a
trace of emotion, anger, disappointment? I couldn't read it.
"What?" I asked innocently, as if I didn't know what she was talking about.
She raised an eyebrow and rolled her eyes.
"Jack." she sighed. She was disappointed. She hated me, she was disgusted by
me. I felt my body sink in.
"It's ok." She finished. I looked up. She had a sort of half-smile on her
face, but I could tell she was unsure about the whole thing.
"It is?" I asked, not believing my ears. She simply nodded and motioned for
me to sit down on the couch. I did so and looked over at her.
"I won't pretend to understand it, but it's ok. I just wish I would've known
sooner, so I could've known what was making you so sad," she said softly,
putting her hand on my arm comfortingly. I looked down for a second and then
back up at her.
"So you don't hate me?"
"No!"
"And you're not disgusted by me?"
"Jack! How could you think that?" She exclaimed, sounding somewhat hurt. I
shook my head, shrugging.
"How did you know?" I asked curiously. I didn't look directly at her, but I
watched her out of the corner of my eye, trying to avoid looking at her in
the face.
"I'd be blind not to notice how you looked when you saw that young man
sitting on the couch earlier. But not only that, I watched you get in the
truck." My face turned beat red and I sank down deeper into the couch. She
rubbed my back soothingly.
"Jack, it's alright. Really." I sighed, closing my eyes. Everything was
happening so fast. I wasn't ready for this many people to know. I told Dr.
Ryan so that I'd have someone to talk to. Then came Jessy, which was a huge
accident, and now mom. This was just too much. I took a few deep breaths,
feeling overwhelmed by it. You'd think I'd be relieved, happy, ecstatic
even! But I was just scared. She would probably tell Dad now, then James
would hear about it, then the whole school. I buried my face in my hands,
but fought back the oncoming flood of tears.
 My mom leaned in close to me, but I pulled away. I didn't look at her, but
I knew she was confused. Who wouldn't be? Why wasn't I happy about this?
Everyone who'd found out was ok with it, supportive even. Then what was
wrong with me? I turned and walked out of the room and up the stairs,
leaving my mother to sit there in confused amazement.
 I flung myself on my bed and sobbed into the pillows. The smell entered my
nose and I looked up. I was still wearing Cody's jacket. I took it off and
stared at it before throwing it against the wall. I couldn't breathe. I
hated myself. All I want is to be happy. I sighed and laid back, staring up
at the ceiling. Happiness comes at a price, just like everything else. It's
funny how the cost of happiness can sometimes be misery. It's really funny
how happiness and misery can exist simultaneously.
 I looked down at the jacket lying on the ground. I sighed and slid off my
bed, slowly walking over to where it lay. I bent down and picked it up,
bringing it to my face and breathing it in. I needed him, but was I ready
for all of this? It's damn funny how stupid you get when you're upset. Why
was I questioning myself? Why didn't I trust myself and the way I felt? I
slid the jacket back on and stood up, looking around my room. I guess I just
had to make up my mind, but realize that that is way easier said than done.
I needed to see Cody and talk to him to make sure I was seriously ready for
all this. I barely knew him and that had to be fixed because all of this
could blow up in my face. But before I could even consider seeing Cody, I
had to fix things with my mom. I decided I'd talk to her tomorrow. I wasn't
ready to do that yet. Sigh. Wow, all that decided in less than 10 minutes.

 The next school day went by pretty fast. I decided I'd better start
focusing more on my school work if I had any hope of making above a C in my
classes when it came time for report cards. So I paid attention, which made
class go by quickly. Surprise surprise! I told Jessy about Cody having come
down the night before and she cooed and awed over it. I looked around to
make sure no one was listening and she laughed at me.
"Relax, Jack. They wouldn't know what I was talking about anyway." I rolled
my eyes and took my seat. I had to admit it was really strange talking about
my new relationship with my ex-girlfriend, let alone my new relationship,
with another guy. But it was nice to have someone to talk to about it who
didn't give me looks of disgust. I smiled to myself and nodded my head
contently.
 That class drug by because we watched some video on how plants grow in
different regions of the world and how animals survive and adapt to their
surroundings. Lemme tell ya, I had the best nap of my life during that
video. When she turned the lights on, I shot straight up, squinting because
of the sudden change in light, and looked up at the clock. Two minutes.
 Two minutes later, the bell rang and I threw my backpack over my shoulder,
making my way down the row and out the door. Jessy caught up with me and
walked with me to our lockers before we said goodbye and I headed to the
parking lot. I had asked Becky Johnson if she could start taking me to and
from school if I paid her for gas. She insisted that I didn't.
"Besides, JC, it gives us a chance to talk and stuff. We never talk
 anymore." I plastered a phony smile across my face and gave in.
 I saw her leaning against her car as I walked out the doors to the parking
lot. When she saw me walking towards her, she smiled and climbed in the
driver's side of her Trooper. It was old and was past due to be sent to the
trash heap, but it was her father's, who had died a couple year's back and
she hadn't been able to part with it. I had to admit, it was almost scary
riding in it, but it was only a few miles to our houses, so it didn't bother
me too much. I got in the passenger's side, throwing my bag in the backseat
and she greeted me cheerfully.
"Hey, Jayce! How's it goin?!"
I smiled, genuinely this time and shook my head, "Pretty good." Now that was
the understatement of the year, but we'll just leave it there. She nodded
and started up the engine, backing out and headed out of the parking lot.
"So, what's new with you, Beck?" I asked, attempting to make friendly
conversation. She seemed to be thinking about it for a minute before
speaking.
"Well, I got a volleyball scholarship to a college up north and I found out
that I'm 5th in my class yesterday!" She said excitedly.
"Wow, that's great! You smart people make me sick!"
"Oh please, JC, you've made nothing but A's since you started school!" She
rolled her eyes. I shrugged.
"Like I said.." She laughed and came to a stop as we got to a stoplight. It
was quiet for a minute before she seemed to remember something.
"Oh..I've been meaning to ask you something ever since you're welcome back
party last summer." She began, pressing down on the gas as the light turned
green.
"Shoot." I glanced over at her curiously.
"There was this guy there that I'd never seen before."
I thought for a second but went blank. I couldn't remember who had come. I'm
not even sure if I knew everybody who had been there.
"What did he look like?" I asked. She thought for a second.
"He had darkish hair, about my height." She laughed. "Probably why I like
him, since it's hard to find guys as tall or taller than me." I smiled,
still trying to think. She continued. "He had the most amazing eyes, too!
They were like this really sexy blue, really intense, and they stood out!"
My heart stopped for that second as I realized who she was talking about.
"I know his name started with a C because I asked Jessy about him, but I
haven't been able to remember. It's been so long and I haven't seen him
around school."
"Cody." I said flatly. She looked at me strangely and nodded.
"Cody! That's it! So tell me about him."
"He's taken." I replied, probably a little harshly. I tried to cover it up.
Lucky for me, she's not the brightest crayon in the box.
"Oh," she said disappointedly. "Well, he just needs to meet me and maybe I
could change that." She said, a tad cocky. God help me, I almost got out of
the car at that moment. A shot of jealousy ripped through me like wildfire.
I didn't say anymore and she looked over at me, wondering why I had turned
so quiet. I avoided her eyes and just waited for her to drop me off.
 Finally, we arrived at my house. It seemed almost as if she had been
driving slower just to see me squirm, but I knew better. I got out of the
car and grabbed my bag from the back.
"Thanks for cartin me around everywhere, Becky!" I said cheerfully. She
smiled and shook her head.
"It's really no problem! It's nice to have some company!" I nodded and waved
to her. She drove off. Maybe I'd been a tad too obvious. Maybe she'd figured
it out. I am really easy to read, after all. I shook my head. Stop it Jack!
 I turned to my mailbox and opened it, reaching in and grabbing the mountain
of envelopes stuffed in it. I closed the box and walked towards my house. I
ascended the stairs to my front door and unlocked it, pushing it open. I
closed it behind me and threw my backpack at the bottom of the stairs,
heading into the kitchen. I looked through the envelopes and came to one
with my name on it. I eyed it curiously and threw the other envelopes on the
counter. I went into the fridge and grabbed a bottle of water and a pear,
taking a big bite out of it. I sat down at the kitchen table and opened the
envelope, unfolding the papers.

Dear Jack,
  I can't believe how much it hurts not having you near me. I can't believe
that I feel this way about someone. It's indescribable how much you mean to
me and I still can't believe that you feel the same way. I'm coming to see
you tonight, but I guess you already know by the time you get this because I
will have come and gone already. If I forget to say it, Jack, I love you. I
know it's only been a week since we've gotten together, but I've known since
I met you that I loved you. I'm hoping by now that you already got my other
note if I forget to mention it while I'm there. This letter is pretty
pointless but I had to write you. I can't wait to see you and I love you.

Love always
Cody

I set the letter down on the table and looked out the window, a ridiculous
grin spread across my face. Was I like this with Jessy? Probably. I was a
sucker for stuff like this, but Jessy never really did anything like this. I
was always the one who wrote all the love notes and said all the sweet
things. I could get used to this. The phone rang, interrupting my
ridiculously happy trance. I shook my head and cleared my throat, reaching
over to pick up the phone.
"Hello?" I probably sounded way to enthusiastic.
"Well, you sound happy."
"Cody!!" I nearly shrieked. I covered my mouth, embarrassed. He laughed and
my face turned bright red.
"Wow, didn't know I had that gleeful affect on people."
"I don't know about people, but you sure get me goin!" I chimed.
"Oh I do, do I?" He teased. I blushed once again.
"Down boy." I joked, lowering my voice.
"Oh I like what you just did with your voice there." At the rate I was
going, my face would freeze into a permanent red color.
"I'm sure you look cute with your face all red." He added. My mouth dropped.
"How'd you know?"
" Lucky guess," I could tell a smile was spreading across his face.
"Perfect timing, by the way," I stated.
"Why's that?"
"I just got your letter," I began grinning again.
"Really?" I could tell it was his turn to blush. I smiled to myself and
leaned over the counter, fiddling with the phone cord.
"So, to what do I owe the pleasure?" I asked, tilting my head.
"Just wanted to hear your voice," came Cody's reply softly. I nearly melted
into a puddle on the floor right there. Somebody, quick, get a mop. Of
course, I blushed again.
"You're too good to me," I smiled.
"S'my job!" He noted enthusiastically and then added, "Well, I'm really
sorry to do this Jack, but I gotsta go." My face dropped in disappointment,
but it was probably better. I nodded.
"Oh, ok."
"I'll call you later on, ok?"
"Great!" I wondered if I sounded as pathetic to him as I thought I sounded.
I shrugged.
"I Love you," he said sweetly. I wanted to say it, I did. But I needed to
figure some stuff out before I could. I needed to talk to my Mom and
straighten things out. I needed to talk to Dr. Ryan about all this and sort
some stuff out.
"Bye, Cody." I hung up. A pang of guilt shot through me like a bullet on it'
s warpath. I grabbed the letter on the table and went up to my room,
grabbing my backpack on my way.

I sat up in my room, working on my homework when I heard my mom come in the
front door. I decided to let her settle in for a while before I went down to
talk to her, but she beat me to the punch. My room was the first stop she
made.
 She knocked on my door softly and opened it, peering her head in.
"Jack? I'm home." I turned and smiled at her. She was still in her suit and
coat, her briefcase clasped tightly in her hand. She stepped inside my room
and set her briefcase down.
"Good. I wanted to talk to you," I said, getting up from the desk and
walking over to my bed, sitting down. I looked down as she took a seat next
to me.
"I'm sorry about the way I reacted last night. I freaked. You just surprised
me and I just wasn't ready for anyone to know yet. Jessy found out and that
was all well and good, but then you. Who's next, James? Then what would
happen?" I rambled, unable to look her in the eye. I took a deep breath. She
leaned down at eye level with me and looked at me.
"I won't tell a soul." She whispered with a small smile of assurance. I
looked up at her and nodded.
"Thank you." Short pause. "So you're ok with it?"
"Of course I'm ok with it. It doesn't change a thing!" She exclaimed
matter-of-factly. I smiled, glad by her words. She smiled as well and pulled
me into a hug.
"I love you, Jack."
"I love you too, Mom."