Date: Wed, 14 Feb 2001 17:01:55 -0500
From: Justin <Jus10AD@sc.rr.com>
Subject: Through My Eyes, Chapter 5 (Category: Gay/High School)

Hey people! Well, here's chapter 5! I hope you like it! Nothing to say
except enjoy!

Through My Eyes
Chapter 5


 I didn't know what to do. Cody was gone, possibly forever, and I was left
alone with this feeling that was making the knot in my stomach grow bigger
and bigger. I couldn't eat or sleep and I engrossed myself in running. At
the rate I was going, I could become a sprinter in the Olympics. Either that
or I would pass out trying. It helped me clear my head. I would take my Mom'
s car to the beach and run, feeling the constant breeze coming off the
ocean. It felt good to run, like I was running away from everything. Like I
wouldn't have to deal with my problems anymore. I wish I could run away. I
didn't know where I'd go, but I wanted to be somewhere else, anywhere else.
Anywhere.but here.
 I jogged down the deserted beach as the day began turning into night. I
figured I'd better head back, so I turned around and walked the rest of the
way, enjoying the view and the peace. As I walked towards my mom's car, my
thoughts overtook me.
 I can't be gay, I like girls! Maybe I'm bi! But that's almost worse, isn't
it? I can't be, I just can't! My brother would disown me, my father would be
even less proud of me, and I'd be labeled immediately and be hated by so
many people because of it. People hear the label and immediately write you
off as that and only that. I refuse. Maybe it's better that Cody left. I
nodded my head. Yes, it's better this way. Definitely.
 By this time, I reached the car and unlocked it. School started back
tomorrow and I was dreading it. I didn't want to go back to the books, the
stress, the people. I was sick of this place. I wanted out, but I was
trapped. I turned the key in the ignition and drove back home and parked the
car into the garage. I went inside and threw the keys on the counter in the
kitchen as I passed. I started to go upstairs, but my Mom called me into the
living room.
"Hey Jack. Come in here for a sec." My mother called. I went into the living
room where she sat. She had a suspicious grin on her face and I eyed her
suspiciously.
"What?" I asked curiously. I looked around and then back at her.
"I've got a surprise for you." She said, not letting the grin fade.
"What is it?" I asked, still confused. "And what's it for?"
"Oh, you'll see. It's just for being a good son." Ok, I was completely
confused now. Her face turned to the window as a car drove up into the
driveway. Her smile only got bigger and she got up from her seat on the
couch. She walked over to the front door and motioned for me to follow her.
I hesitated at first, but did so. I stepped onto the porch as my Dad got out
of the car that had pulled up. I looked at my Mom who was still smiling from
ear to ear.
"What's this all about?" I asked.
"Surprise!" My Dad yelled from the car, motioning to it like Vannah White or
something.
"Call me stupid, but I'm not following."
My Mom took my arm and pulled me down the steps to the driveway.
"This is your new car, Jack." She said, searching me for a reaction. My eyes
widened in complete surprise which seemed to satisfy my parents quite
nicely. They both smiled and watched me intently.
"Oh my gosh! You got me a car?! I can't believe it!" I was completely in
awe. It was a beautiful car. It was a silver 97' or 98' BMW convertible. It
was obviously a used car, but it looked brand new. I rounded the car to the
driver's side and climbed in. I looked all around the car.
"A CD player? This must have cost you a fortune!" I exclaimed. I looked up
at my parents.
"Well, you've earned it, Jack." My Dad said proudly, putting his arm around
my mother. I was sitting happily in the driver's seat of my new car when a
voice began echoing through my brain.
'All of you people are the same..with your cell phones and BMW's!' Cody's
voice seemed to stick in my brain, stabbing me in the chest.
"Something wrong, Jack?" My Mom asked worriedly. I looked up at her.
"Oh, no! Are you kidding?" I faked. She shot me a strange look, but let it
slide. They both turned and went inside, leaving me alone with the car. I
sighed and rested my head against the steering wheel. Maybe I was just like
all those other people at my school. I was a snob.

 The next day was the first day of school. I was a sophomore now, which, in
my opinion, is the absolute worst year in high school. My reasons being,
when you are a sophomore, the excitement of being a freshman and in a new
place is gone. You've still got two years left in school, and when you're a
sophomore, that's when colleges really start to look at you. So needless to
say, I was not looking forward to the coming year. I had packed my schedule
with honors classes with the exception of a study hall here and an elective
or two there.
It was going to be tough to deal with my problems with myself and juggle
everything else, so I forced myself not to think about it. I dove into
studying and distanced myself from everyone around me. Cody's words that
night at my welcome home party haunted me constantly. I suddenly had a
certain resentment towards most of my friends and family. My relationship
with my Mom began to deteriorate, I stopped hanging out with Jessy as much
as I used to, and I found myself at home on most Saturday nights, alone. But
at least I'd have a 4.0 grade average, right? Just thought I'd find some
kind of plus in all of that. It was my own fault though.

Present Month: October

 I pulled up in my driveway and got out of my car. The clouds in the sky
that loomed over threatened a heavy downpour. I ran my fingers through my
hair and sighed as I walked up to the front door and put my key into the
hole. I started to open the door when I heard a car pull into the driveway.
I turned to see Jessy's Jeep pulling in. I closed the door, set my bag down
in a chair and descended a few of the steps as Jessy got out of her car. She
looked preoccupied and nervous, which concerned me a little bit. She met me
at the steps, but wouldn't look at my directly in the face.
"Hey Jess. What's up?" I asked curiously, my concern clearly showing up in
my tone. She looked up at me finally and I could tell I wasn't going to like
what she had to say.
"Mind if we sit and talk?" She asked softly. I nodded my head and sat down
on a step as did she. She turned and took my hand, looking at me sincerely.
I stared at her in confusion and waited for the bad news.
"What's wrong?" I asked when she didn't say anything. She looked as if she
was thinking about whether she actually wanted to say it. Finally, she took
a breath.
"Jack, I think we need to.take a break." She looked at me for a reaction. I
looked down. Somehow, in the back of my mind, I knew this was coming. I don'
t even know if I was really all that upset about it, but I felt like I
should be, so the tears formed in my eyes.
"I just have this bad feeling in the pit of my stomach. I don't feel right
about this and it's been eating me up inside. I'm so sorry and know that the
last thing I want to do is hurt you, Jack. I do love you so much, but
something's just not right and I need to figure out what it is instead of
leading you on and lying to you everyday. I'm sorry, Jack.I'm so so sorry."
She stopped and tears began running down her cheeks. I knew she was going to
beat herself up if she knew it hurt me, so I put my game face on, fighting
back the tears that I knew were going to come eventually. I looked up at her
and realized that I was upset about this. I loved Jessy with all my heart
and here she was breaking up with me. But I mustered up a smile and wiped
away her tears. She searched my face for what I was thinking, but continued
to look confused.
"It's ok, Jess. Really. I'll live. Besides, you said break, right? So its
not completely over." She nodded and looked down. I pulled her into a hug
and kissed her forehead comfortingly. She wrapped her arms around me and
held me tight. We just sat there for a few minutes in our embrace before she
pulled back. She wiped her tears and stood up.
"I'm really sorry, but I have to go. My mom's probably pissed about me being
late already, but I couldn't wait anymore to tell you, soo.."
"I'll see ya, Jess," I stood up. She smiled and then turned around, heading
to her car and getting in. She glanced at me one time as if to be sure I was
ok and then drove off.
 The second she was out of sight, my face dropped and the inevitable tears
came out of me like an endless river. I ran inside and up to my room where I
flung myself on my bed. I laid there and wept into my pillow for a few
minutes before finally turning over on my back. Then I stared at the ceiling
for a few minutes. I needed Jessy to keep me from thinking thoughts that I
shouldn't be thinking. As long as I had her, I didn't have to deal with it.
Did that mean I was using her? No, I loved her! I still love her! AGH! What
the hell is my freakin problem?! Sigh.
 The phone suddenly rang, interrupting my thoughts. I reached over to my
nightstand and picked it up.
"Hello?"
"JC?" A familiar voice replied.
"Cody! Oh my gosh, hey! How are you?" I jumped up excitedly. Guess that did
the trick of perking me up.
"I'm doing ok! Well, better than OK. I came out to a couple of my friends
and they're completely cool with it! Can you believe it?" He exclaimed
excitedly.
"That's great! I'm glad for you!" I replied, genuinely happy for him, but at
the same time a little wierded out.
"So anyway, how's everything with you?" He asked. I got quiet, not really
wanting to think about it.
"Hello?"
"Yea, I'm here."
"Something wrong?"
"Well, Jessy just broke up with me." I said sullenly.
"Oh, JC. I'm so sorry! What happened?"
"Nothing happened. She has a "bad feeling" or something like that." I
explained.
"Oh..well, I'm sorry. That really sucks." He said. I smiled and shook my
head.
"It's ok. She said it was just a break, so there's still a chance of us
getting back together."
"Well, that's good news."

 We ended up talking for a half an hour about various things before he had
to go. We'd lost track of time and his Mom was going to wig about the phone
bill that month.
 I hung up the phone and laid back on my bed. I rolled onto my side and
suddenly felt completely exhausted. I slowly drifted off into a deep,
dreamless sleep.

**
"Faggot!" A voice echoed in my head. Was that James?
"I can't believe it.." I heard my mother's voice.  I heard my brother
laughing uncontrollably.
"I can!" He said menacingly.
"He's not my son anymore!" I heard my Dad.
"Didn't you hear? JC's a homo now." I heard a girl whisper. A million voices
rang through my head and bounced around, making my head feel like it would
explode.
"Fag!"
"Homo!"
"You sick piece of shit!"

**

I sat straight up in my bed, trying so hard to catch my breath. It felt as
if someone had tried to smother me with a pillow. I gasped for air. My eyes
bugged out of my head. Sweat poured off of me and I felt sick. My stomach
turned and I darted into the bathroom. As I sat against the wall in the
bathroom on the cold tile floor, I felt completely alone. No one to talk to,
no one who even cared. I buried my face in my hands and wept. I looked up
and pulled myself up by holding onto the sink. I opened the medicine cabinet
behind the mirror and looked through the several bottles. They were all
either empty or of no use. I sighed and threw them on the floor in
frustration. I stared at myself in the mirror, completely disgusted by the
person looking back at me.
 I took a deep breath and made my way downstairs into the kitchen. I was
careful to be as quiet as possible and got what I wanted. I went back to my
room and closed the door, making my way to the bathroom. I stared down at
the knife in my hand and then looked up at the mirror. I didn't even know
who I was looking at anymore. I looked again back at the knife and took a
deep breath.

TBC.......
Don't worry, chapter six is gonna be out real soon :)