Date: Sat, 03 Jun 2000 23:28:33 GMT
From: Lucky Redwood <wanna_get_lucky@hotmail.com>
Subject: Time Will Tell - Chapter 30

Hope everybody's still enjoying this series. I still enjoy hearing from you
all, so please still keep sending me e-mails to wanna_get_lucky@hotmail.com
or visit my web site at http://www.luckys_place.homestead.com

Chapter 30 - Announcements


"Hello?"

"Good evening Danny, I hope you're fast approaching a final decision. Your
deadline is tomorrow morning you realise?"

"Oh, well Conner and I have talked it through, and we have made a decision,
yes."

"Really? May I ask you what it is now then?"

"I tell you what, I'll let Conner tell you since it is him you want to take
to bed."

"I must say you're taking this very well Danny, you must be trying so hard
to put on a brave face. You do realise why I decided that I'd use this as
payment for the negatives don't you?"

"Do tell."

"Because I knew that it would hurt you. I knew that you would want to break
down at the thought of me fucking the brains out of the guy you love. And I
knew that you would agree to it since you know what will happen to you both
if you are outted.  Again, may I add."

"Well, I'll bear that in mind John, here's Conner."

	The truth was I wasn't breaking down at all, I had no thoughts of
Conner in bed with John. Conner had come to the decision on his own that we
would rather be outted than risk our relationship again. That had happened
too often and had tortured the both of us for too long. Everybody had heard
the conversation on my end and knew that it was John. Conner was waiting to
talk to him, to devastate John's plans.  John had been so confident that we
would agree. He didn't have that power anymore.  What pleased me was that
on Monday it would all be over. John would hold nothing on me and would no
longer be able to hold anything over me. He was cashing in on his weapon
against me, my being gay. Once everyone knew and I didn't deny it I would
be able to enjoy freedom from John's influence over me. He would have
nothing to threaten me with anymore and that almost made it worth
it. Conner was eager to take the phone off me.

"Hello?"

"Conner! So, now we have got this far I'll tell you the rest of the
arrangements, I know that Danny's parents are away. Tomorrow afternoon, I
want you to make sure that there is only yourself and Danny in the
house. If anyone else is in there or arrives whilst I'm there then the
deals off. I'll be there for two o'clock and we'll go to Danny's bedroom
and make the exchange if you get my drift."

"I get your drift, now let me tell you something. Fuck you! Fuck you, you
sick, twisted, evil, malicious sexual deviant! If you thought that I would
even consider sleeping with YOU, then may I suggest you find a councillor,
and a good one.  There isn't a barge pole in the world that would be long
enough for me to want to touch you with, let alone allow you to put your
fly infested, bean dick anywhere near me! You couldn't have seriously
thought that you'd get me in bed with you did you?  You really think that
no matter what you had photos of us doing, I'd even consider breathing the
air in the same room as you? You degenerate fuck up! You realise how ugly
you are to have to resort to rape and to bribing people into sleeping with
you?" I gave Conner a sharp look, he'd slipped up there. None of the others
knew about the rape and I had wanted it kept that way. I hoped that they
didn't pick up on it, they were all laughing at the way that Conner was
talking to John. "Think about it John.  Subconsciously you must realise
what a repulsive body, face and personality you have to need to stoop so
low as to have to black mail people into bed. You are one sad son of a
bitch and the second your body goes six foot under your soul is gonna go a
damn site further down! So FUCK you!" And he slammed the phone down and
mock bowed to the cheer and round of applause that our friends gave in
response.

"Well boys that's it, we've set the wheels in motion, by Monday we will be
outted."

"Think about it Danny, we'll be able to go with each other in school and
everything, we won't have to hide anything from anyone!" His grin made it
all right that we were going to be the focus of bad attention in just four
days. I would have Conner to help me through and a crowd of good friends
too.

"I can't wait babes."

"So, Danny, we still throwing a party Friday?"

"Hell yeah! It may well be the last one that people actually turn up to,
when they find out I'm gay and all."

"Possibly, I think that there's going to be a whole lot of people that
aren't bothered by it though."

"They won't want others to think that though."

"That's a point, never thought of that."

"Danny? If anyone says anything to you, or touches you then I want to know
OK?"

"Me too."

"Trix, Luke, I'll handle my own fights OK? I'm not going to run away from
this anymore, I tried that last time and it doesn't seem that I was able to
in the end.  However, Conner, the second someone lays a finger on you, I
want to know OK?"

"What, so you can fight your own battles and I can't?"

"No, but once you're finished kicking their ass, I'm going to carry on
where you left off." He let his killer smile spread erotically over his
face and did that damn thing where he looked lovingly into my eyes. I say
'that damn thing' because there is nothing that I can do to escape it, once
it's there my heart starts pounding, I feel myself relax into a state of
complete bliss and butterflies start flying around in my stomach. When he
gives me that look, what ever I'm doing becomes irrelevant, I have to stand
and explore those beautiful eyes of his.

"You know, you should out yourselves at this party you're having on Friday.
Take the shine off John's attempts on Monday." We looked to Kate. I liked
the idea, take the lustre off of John's quest for destroying me.

"What do you think babes?"

"Well, it would annoy John I think. We could do, nothing to lose I suppose.
Do you want to?"

"I think it's not that bad an idea."

"If we can get the bottle up to do it that is."

"Well, I think that since we've resigned ourselves to the fact that we're
going to be the hottest news in Parkway schools on Monday, it wouldn't make
a difference if we announce it ourselves on Friday, that way the news has
got time to spread more."

"True. Yeah let's do it then."

"Settled then. Who are we going to invite?"

"Everyone!"

"Sounds good to me."

*****

"You're kiddin' right?"

"Nope. Come on it'll be a laugh."

"I refuse."

"Ah go on!"

"Nuh uh!"

"Yuh huh. Come on, it's not like I ask you to do much for me now is it?"

"That's besides the point!"

"Why won't you?"

"Because I'd feel stupid."

"Why?"

"What do you mean 'why'?"

"I mean why won't you?" Sean was laughing but still trying his best to hide
his entertainment at the idea.

"Because!"

"Because? That's not a good reason, that's not a reason at all in fact!"

"Danny! Come on, I don't want to do this."

"You do or else you wouldn't be laughing."

"I'm laughing because it's a funny idea but I don't want to be the one to
do it. Why don't you do it? You're the actor here, Prince Hamlet."

"You can pretend to cry better though, you had all that practice when you
were little and wanted to get me into trouble with mum because I wouldn't
let you play with my toys."

"That was years ago! Don't try guilt tripping me into doing this either, it
won't work."

"OK fine forget it then, I'll ask Trix when he gets back."

"Don't you dare!"

"Why not?"

"Because Trix WILL do it."

"Do what?"

"Oh no, Danny don't you dare tell him."

"I dared Sean to lie down next to the caution slippery surface sign and
start crying, make it look like he fell over." Trix started laughing
loudly.

"That would be funny, but I couldn't do it for laughing."

"Where's yer bird then little one?"

"Don't call me that! She's probably waiting to come off her shift."

"At the body shop?" I said trying to hold back the sniggers that were
itching to come from me.

"Would you shut up about that! There is nothing wrong with working at the
body shop." Trix and I both laughed at how we'd managed to wind Sean up
between us today.

"Why the hell are you giving me such a hard time today?"

"Because Conner's not here."

"You never give Conner a hard time, you luuurrrvvv him too much."

"I do give him a hard time, just not in public, in bed at nights." They
understood my double meaning with the mischievous grin that I gave them.

"That's just a little information than I needed to know Danny!"

"What? It's not as if you didn't know we did."

"Pervert."

"Claire!"

"Ah ha! She arrives!"

"Claire beat them up they've been making fun of your job again!"

"You little snitch!"

"And what's wrong with working at The Body Shop?"

"Nothing, if you're a tree hugging hippie with tattoos and multiple body
piercings."

"Don't remind me about it! You eaten already?"

"Uh huh, but we can wait for you."

"No, that's alright. I'm not hungry."

"You're not still on that diet idea are you?"

"No, I'm just not hungry. I had a big breakfast."

"You promise? You don't need to go on a diet Claire, you can't weigh more
than seven stone now."

"Seven and a half actually. And I'm not dieting, and I'm not hungry so
could you fucking drop it?"

"Sorry Claire." I had been on high spirits all day, Claire was obviously
not.

"Are you two joining us or something?"

"No we were just bringing Sean here and grabbing some lunch. We're going to
be off to meet Conner in a bit."

"We wouldn't want to impose on you two love birds any longer anyway." Trix
started to get up.

"Just remember Sean mum's ringing at six so be home by then OK?"

"OK. See you guys later then."

"Yeah, See ya."

"See ya Sean, Claire."

"Bye Trix, bye Danny."

"Where to?"

"Err, meet Dodgy by Smiths."

"Cool, how'd he get on with his Aunt?"

"Fine, his cousins took him out over the weekend. He was pissed with them
in Leicester Square."

"Isn't that where all the London hard core druggies push?"

"Doubt it, too open. Dodgy said he didn't see any at least."

"Means nothing, he was probably too pissed."

"More than likely."

"I can't believe he's only got a week before he goes left now."

"I know sucks doesn't it?"

"Yeah, it's been good seeing him again though."

"Yeah definitely. He want to come back over for the summer too."

"Cool."

"Hi guy's"

"We were just talking about you surfer boy."

"For Christ sake! I've told you, I live by Alice Springs. It's right in the
middle of the country. There is no beach to surf on."

"OK, fine, fine!"

"So where are we going now?"

"Pick Conner up from work."

"How come he finishes right in the middle of the afternoon?"

"Shift work."

"Oh OK. And you two have the day off?"

"I do, Trix just took it."

"Won't you get fired?"

"I'm the floor manager, they need me. Besides it's the first time I've ever
played off sick."

"OK."

"Is it Woolworth's where Conner works?"

"Uh huh."

"Let's go then."

"Cool."

*****

"Sean? SEAN!?"

"WHAT?"

"GET THE DOOR!"

"YOU GET THE FUCKING DOOR! YOU'RE DOWNSTAIRS!"

"I'M BUSY!"

"SO AM I!"

"Fine, I'll get the fucking door then!" I mumbled pissed off to myself, I
was comfy dammit!

"Can I help you?"

"I'm looking for Daniel or Sean Owen."

"OK, that's me."

"Hi, I'm from your mum's office. She asked me to get a hold of this for her
and I thought that I'd bring it round so that she could see it as soon as
she got back."

"OK, I'll take it. Thanks a lot, I'm sure she'll be really appreciative."

"That's OK. Bye."

"Bye." I took a look at the brochure that I'd been handed. It was a real
estate brochure, for housing in San Francisco! "What the fuck?"

"What is it?" Sean had come down to investigate after all.

"Take a look."

"We're moving?"

"If we are then look where to."

"What the fuck?"

"That's what I thought."

"She can fuck off."

"I thought that too."

"Do you think this is for us? Could she have got it for somebody else?"

"Why would she? She's busy enough as it is without having to sort out where
friends of hers want to move to."

"For a client then?"

"Her clients are all rich bastards, they have PA's to get that sort of
thing for them."

"You don't really think she wants to move do you?"

"I don't know. I have no idea."

"Well I'm not going. I'm not leaving all our friends so she can have a
better job or whatever she wants to move for."

"I think we had better wait until she says what this is about first
Sean. We may have it all wrong, she knows we wouldn't want to move. She
wouldn't do that to us."

"Let's ring her."

"Now? She'll be asleep. It's the middle of the night over there over
there."

"I don't care, I want to find out what this is all about."

"She's ringing again tomorrow anyway."

"Well. Let's just wait until she's likely to be up, then we ring."

"OK, fair enough."

"Danny? Why would she want to move?"

"I don't know Sean. We don't know if she does want to yet. She might just
be looking at this out of pure interest."

"That's not like mum though. She doesn't waste time on looking into things
if she's not genuinely interested."

"I suppose not. I don't know why she wanted this then, we'll have to wait
and see what she's got to say about it."

"Yeah. I guess we will. Where's Conner?"

"He went home to grab his Dawson's Creek album for us to listen to."

"Oh. OK." I started to walk back into the lounge to carry on watching MTV
until Conner got back.

"Danny?"

"Yeah?"

"Are you all right?"

"Yeah. Why?"

"Just with what's happening to you. You don't seem to care that on Monday
everybody at school is going to know about you. Again."

"I, I, well I guess so. I mean, well it was inevitable in the end I
suppose.  People were going to find out sooner or later."

"It's just you're too relaxed about it. You normally only do that when
you're upset or worried, trying to hide it from everyone."

"I don't!" Sean gave me that 'Oh come on!' look. It took me off the
defensive straight away. "I do?"

"Yeah you do." Sean started to walk towards the lounge and went to sit on
the sofa turning off MTV when he got there. I sat next to him understanding
that he wasn't going to let the subject drop and that he wanted to talk
about it.

"Come on then, tell me your theory."

"Well, whenever you get in a situation where you're worried about something
or nervous, scared, whatever, you start acting all nonchalant about it, as
if it doesn't bother you and you're happy. Nobody who didn't know you as
well as some of us do would be any the wiser, but I can tell. You were
doing it last weekend before our concert, acting like you were the happiest
guy on earth and as if we weren't about to go on stage or something. You
were nervous then. And you've been doing it too much lately, all today
acting like you were on a high or something, mucking around, making jokes,
annoying people on purpose. That last one you only really ever do when
you're worried. I know it's like this natural defence thing that you stick
up in situations like this, but it can't be good for you. It's all right to
be scared Danny. I was here when you were first outted by Meyrick, I saw
what it did to you. I don't think I was ever going to tell you, but I think
I should. I was awake that night when you tried to OD yourself on
paracetamol, I could hear you go to mum and I heard you both crying.  Mum
started shouting asking you 'why' and all that. I was too scared to do
anything though. I guess I was too young and didn't really understand the
severity of what you had done. As I grew older though, knowing that you had
tried to do that, it, well, you know, it really upset me. We became such
good friends when you went through that, and I understand why you didn't
want to tell me about it, but, I promised myself that I would never let you
get to that stage again. I want you to know that no matter what happens,
why it does, or whenever it does, I want you to know that you can talk
about it with me. I promise that I'll be here for you Danny, whenever you
need me, because you always have been for me." He had tears forming in his
eyes. So did I mind you. I just leaned over and we pulled ourselves into
each other's arms, both of us sniffing back tears.

"Sean, I can't thank you enough. You're right though, I guess I was trying
to hide it from myself as well as everybody else, but I am scared, I'm
terrified actually. I'm ready to come out, but I'm just scared to have to
face the consequences. I mean it's not just me this time, it's Conner too
and I didn't want to have to put him through this, it isn't fair on him."

"This isn't your fault Danny."

"It is, if I had used some fucking common sense and not told Meyrick all
that time ago he wouldn't have been after me today. And I wouldn't have
jeopardised Conner's safety either. I mean, you know what you're year group
is like. When you're sixteen the most disgusting thing that guys can think
about is gay's. Conner's going to get the stick from our relationship. He's
going to be ridiculed, bullied and everything like it much more than I
will, and it's all my fault. It's me that John's after, but Conner got
stuck in the wake."

"Danny! Stop that. Do you think he really gives a shit what people say
about him, he's got you and that's what he wants. You know that
already. Don't doubt him Danny."

"I don't doubt him, I just doubt that he understands what he's about to go
through."

"It's not going to be like it was for you. You were pretty much alone
Danny.  It was your friends that deserted you, you felt you had nobody to
turn to. I was probably too young to be of any psychological help to you
and not even mum knew. It's different this time. You both have us friends
who will stand by you, Trix, Claire, Kate, Scott, Luke, Tracey, me, now
James, Toby, Ryan and I could go on. You both have your parents to support
you this time. Most importantly though you have each other. I know you two
and the rest of us are just icing on the cake, even if you only had each
other, which isn't the case, you'd both be fine, but you have so many other
people to support you, to help you through whatever happens this time."

"I never looked at it that way."

"And no matter what you think, it is not your fault that Conner got dragged
into this.  Can you remember why you wanted to tell Meyrick and that lot
that you were gay in the first place?"

"I guess it was because I thought that they had a right to know, being my
friends and all."

"There you go then, you didn't cause any of this. It was out of the
goodness of your heart that you told them. They then abused it because they
didn't understand it, or like the fact or whatever it was. Danny, you've
been a good brother, my best friend and someone who I look up to for as
long as I can remember. It hurts me so much to know that you got yourself
into a place that you thought you had no escape from, that you had nobody
to turn to. You are a decent guy and I never want to see you hurt that much
that you want to take your own life again OK?"

"OK."

"It's understandable that you're going to be scared, but just understand
that I will not let you go back to how you were. I hope that this whole
thing will help turn you back into the Danny that I used to know."

"How do you mean?"

"Your negativity. You never used to be as pessimistic as you are now. You
probably didn't even notice that it changed. After you were outted you
started becoming so pessimistic, always looking to the worst case scenario
and expecting it.  You've become so wary of people since then. They changed
you and I hope that once you're outted on Monday you'll see how much your
true friends are willing to stick by you and that you'll realise that
things aren't always as bad as you expect them to be."

"It's better to be pessimistic. When things don't go your way you're
prepared, you know how bad things can get. When things do go you're way
it's a pleasant surprise."

"It's not good for you Danny, it drains your morale. You become all mopey.
Conner stopped that to an extent, you've cheered up since you two fell in
love, but you're still pessimistic. Just not about Conner anymore. That's
how I know you love him, you're willing to be optimistic for and as far as
Conner is concerned, not anyone else. You love him enough to always find
the good in him and expect the good in him.  That's why you get so upset
when the two of you have a fight. You always think that it's the end of the
world because you think that your optimism let you down, that you were
wrong about Conner loving you. When you get back together, you're optimism
instantly recharges and you realise what dick's you both were."

"Cheers!"

"It's true, you can be a dick sometimes, but I still love you."

"I love you too kiddo, but you know what Sean? You know me better than I
know myself."

"Tell me about it."

"And Sean?"

"Yeah?"

"Thanks. I know you'll be there for me and I promise that I'll talk to you
if I need to."

" 'If?' That's a good start towards a more optimistic Danny!" He grinned.
"I'll see you later anyway, I have course work to finish for Monday. Conner
won't be long now anyway."

"Probably not."

"I'll be upstairs."

"Cool."

*****

"Hey."

"Oh hey Paul. Where's Trix?"

"Getting some bev for me and him."

"Cool, nobody else is here yet."

"OK. Hi Conner, Sean."

"Hey Paul."

"All right Dodgy?"

"Not bad."

	We all sat around and got involved in the usual chit-chat until the
doorbell rang about five minutes later. I opened it to James, Ryan and
Toby.

"Hey, you know you really should get used to just walking in when my mum's
not at home."

"It just doesn't feel right."

"Well if it's any better, how about you knock and then walk in."

"That might work."

"Try it some time." I said smiling to James. They followed me to the lounge
and said the usual greetings to everybody.

"So Danny, Conner? You really are going to go through with this tonight?
Telling everyone you're a couple and everything?"

"I think so, we may as well. They'll find out from Meyrick on Monday
anyhow."

"Cool. James and I were thinking about joining you."

"WHAT? Serious? Through choice?"

"Yeah. We figured it was time you know?"

"Sort of, I'm just surprised that's all."

"It's just an idea, you know? We talked about it and both thought that it
might be better this way anyhow, if like four people come out at the same
time then it might make it a little easier on all of us."

"That's a thought. I suppose it could do, the more that people realise that
it's a part of life the easier they'll understand it."

"Well, maybe not understand, but more like be forced to deal with it."

"True."

"We thought that we'd ask you first though, in case you didn't want us to."

"Well, no go for it, but don't just do it like to jump on the band wagon,
think seriously about it between now and then if you haven't already."

"We have, but I guess we'll decide when the time comes."

"OK."

"Do you need a hand with anything for now then?"

"Nah, we're all set up already."

"Cool."

"You guys drinking tonight?"

"Hell yeah!"

"Any of you staying?"

"I might."

"Yeah? Well there's room to spare on the lounge floor that's all I have
left to offer I think Toby, is that OK?."

"Sounds fine."

"Cool."

*****

"You sure you want to do this babes?"

"I think so."

"No, I don't want you thinking so, I want you to know for sure what you
want to do.  There's no turning back you realise, once we're out, we're
out. Just realise that whatever happens, we can make it through this. I
love you more than anything Conner, I don't want to force you into this if
you don't want to do it."

"No, I want to do it. I know it would be better this way than them all
seeing some stupid photo in school on Monday."

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah. I love you Danny."

"I love you too babes." I paused the heavy house CD that somebody had put
in and received a couple of boo's. Everybody turned in the direction of the
music system to see if they could find out what had happened to the
tunes. "Could I have everybody's attention please?" A near silence fell
over the room, some people were still talking amongst themselves. I felt my
stomach churning, leg's get weaker and my breathing getting more and more
difficult. I was becoming aware that everybody was staring at me, waiting
for me to say what I wanted to. "Err, OK. Well, oh fuck it, Conner and I
are going out, we're gay and we're in love and we're not going to hide it
anymore."  With that I turned and grabbed Conner pulling his lips to mine
with my hand on the back of his head. It was the only time that I ever
kissed Conner and didn't feel right about it. I pulled back and saw the
scared look on Conner's face, lost for what to do next I turned to look at
the audience from which all the whispers and gasps of breath had come from
moments before. "So, you're all welcome to stay, but if you don't want to
be anywhere near us again, you're also welcome to leave." I waited a few
seconds to see if anyone else said anything, particularly James or Ryan.
Nobody moved! They all stood staring, some with the jaws dropped, some with
frowns and others a little embarrassed. I was just about to turn around to
put the music back on when I heard a voice from the crowd.

"We are too." Robbie and Scott were stood proudly next to each other and
everybody's heads turned to look at them in unison. Now I didn't expect
that one! I was stunned, I never expected Scott to agree to something like
that.

"And us." Now James had spoken up. Him and Ryan again stood next to each
other.  That was it! In one fell swoop all the gay guy's that I knew had
spoken out their deepest secret. The air was still thick though, nobody
else knew what to say.  Somebody did eventually though.

"CONGRATULATIONS GUYS!" Again every pair of eyes in the place turned to
look at the voice responsible, finding Hannah, grinning from ear to ear. I
smiled to her and she smiled back. I quickly turned on the music in an
attempt to end this awkward situation. It didn't work though, it just made
it an awkward situation whilst music was playing. Some people started
dancing again after a short while, a lot of people started talking to each
other. I never once looked to see if anyone left though, I don't think that
I would have wanted to know anyway.

	Conner and I sat at the side of the room, holding hands, for the
first time in public. I never really looked up from the floor at or around
my feet, apart from to look at Conner. I had the occasional person come up
to me to say 'well done' or something similar, I never looked to see who
they were though, I just said 'thanks' to the floor.  The others were all
around us too, James and Ryan, Scott and Robbie, Trix, Paul, Trace, Kate,
Claire, Sean, Toby and Luke. Hannah came to talk too. It was after what
must have been half an hour that I raised my head, I hadn't even realised
that I had been crying but there were tears on my cheeks.  Which I felt as
I lifted my face and a breeze started blowing against the wet skin on my
face. I looked around and saw that all my friends had been talking and
laughing, all of them even Conner, Scott and the other guys who had come
out with us basically. The light that now hit my eyes surprised me with its
brightness, as if I had been asleep. I quickly took my hand from Conners
and rubbed both my eyes dry and the trails that they had made down my
face. It was so strange. It was as if I had fallen into a semiconscious
state for the last half hour. I looked beyond my friends and saw that the
room was still full, I didn't know whether that was a good sign or not.

"Are you OK?"

	Conner reached out and gently stroked the side of my face, but I
was panicking. I didn't know what I should do. I jumped away at Conner's
touch, still scared for some odd reason that someone might see. I stood up,
and practically fell back down again from the head rush of standing too
quickly. What the hell was going on? I was scared but I didn't even know
what about. I just about got back my balance before I ran for the front
door. I struggled to grip the handle right, collapsing against it, before I
tried to open it again and just swung it open before I ran outside into the
cold air. I looked around me and saw nobody around and so just fell to the
ground.  That's when I realised that I couldn't breathe right. I was
gasping for air but couldn't take it in, I didn't know what the hell was
going on. It was as if I had just frozen up. I became more and more scared
and felt myself slumping further to the ground, that's when I felt somebody
put something over my face I was too weak to try and fight them off, I
couldn't work out what the hell was going on. I felt somebody start rubbing
my back and realised that it was a paper bag over my face. I had been
hyperventilating, that was actually quite a relief, I thought that I was
having a heart attack or something. I relaxed more and more as my breathing
became easier.

"There you go, you better now?"

"You scared the SHIT out of me Danny!"

"Don't shout at him Conner, he doesn't need that now. Look at him, he's
terrified."  Kate sounded pretty annoyed.

"No, I'm not. I'm fine."

"What the fuck just happened Danny?"

"I think he had a panic attack. Danny, are you OK? Can you breathe now?"

"Yeah. I just, I felt really, Jesus I don't know what happened."

"Don't worry about it. Come on inside I'll get you some tea. Help him up
boys." Trix and Luke were the closest, they put their arms under mine and
helped me up.  I could have done it by myself but I just felt really, I
don't know, it's hard to explain, ineffectual I suppose.

	I was escorted into the kitchen with Conner following like a fifth
wheel. I had scared him, he was worried and wanted to help but he didn't
know how.

"Conner could you get me a jumper please?" I didn't want him feeling like
he couldn't help, I wasn't even cold but he was acting like a lost sheep so
I sent him on a little mission.

"Are you better now?"

"Uh huh."

"What happened?"

"I don't know." Kate had gone into 'mothering mode' and wasn't letting
anyone else help. Trix, Luke, Toby and Hannah all just stood around the
edges of the kitchen.  Conner came back in with one of my jumpers, he must
have really pegged it up the stairs.

"Is this one OK?"

"It's fine babes." I gave him a smile, that seemed to put him at ease a
little. He sat down on the chair next to mine and put his hands on top of
mine.

"I'm sorry I shouted at you."

"Don't worry about it."

"What happened to you? You really did scare the shit out of me."

"I don't know, I just sort of phased out you know? It was like I wasn't
there, and then I came round and looked up, but I don't know. Things just
started running through my mind and I couldn't focus on anything, I started
scaring myself and just needed to get some air, and space, but then I
started hyperventilating."

"Are you OK now?"

"Yeah."

"What started running through your mind?"

"It's hard to remember, it's like every time an idea came into my head,
another one started before I got chance to think about or remember the
first. That's the best I can explain it."

"Luke could you go and tell the others he's OK?"

"Sure."

"Who's still here?"

"Everyone I think."

"Really?"

"I never saw anybody leave."

"Huh."

"Why? Were you expecting them all to go or something?"

"A lot of them yeah."

"I don't know. It might be that they just stayed for the party, not to
support us or anything, but obviously they don't hate gays or they couldn't
stand still being here in the same party as three gay couples."

"Oh, that's right I need to talk to Scott and Robbie."

"Are you sure you're OK to go back in there Danny?"

"Yeah, I'll have to some time."

"I'll come with you."

"Yeah we'll all go back in I think."

"OK."

	I went back into the lounge. Without thinking about it I hunched
over with my head down to the ground again. It was like reflex. I
remembered that it was when I was first outted that I walked like this. It
was because I didn't want to see people's eyes looking at me, peering at
the gay guy, thinking 'what the hell has he got to hold his head up high
for?' Even if they didn't think it, I couldn't help but think I saw it in
their eyes.

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing, I'm fine now."

"You're not looking where you're going."

"Oh, nothing."

"What are you doing? That's the third person you've bumped into."

"I'm sorry. Look I'm fine Conner."

"Then look up? Why are you doing this? They don't care. None of them seem
bothered do they?"

"That's not the point."

"Danny, why are you freaking out on me like this?"

"I'm OK."

"You're not. Look up." I did. I looked at people as I passed and caught a
few of them looking back at me, one smiled when she saw me looking back, a
second guy did too giving me the thumbs up and a third guy snapped his head
back round when he saw me looking. That was enough, my head went straight
back down.

"Danny!" And up again. "Look, you said all along, we're going to make it
through this together. We have to start by being brave so keep your head
up." He was right it just proved more difficult than I expected it to.

*****

"That's the last of them Danny."

"OK."

"You OK?"

"Uh huh. Just feel drained that's all."

"That's because you're worrying, even though you don't need to. What
happened to that optimism talk we had earlier?"

"It got lost under the pressure of having to tell a crowded room that I'm
gay."

"You win this round then, but don't think for one minute I'm going to let
you get all negative again."

"He's right Danny."

"Are there any Bud's left?"

"Uh huh, I'll get you one." It was only going to be the third one that I
would have had all evening.

"I thought you two had gone?" I looked to see Toby talking to James and
Ryan.

"Err, no, we were in the, err, garden."

"I get it."

"No, no, no, nothing like that."

"Uh huh."

"Fine, don't believe me then."

"Why would I do something like that?" It made me laugh, the first time in
quite a while.

"Are you going to be OK Danny?"

"Yeah, I'll be fine."

"OK then, if you're sure. I'll ring you tomorrow then."

"OK, bye James, bye Ryan."

"Yeah, see you. See you everyone."

"Bye."

"What time is it?"

"Two. You wanna watch some TV before you go to bed?"

"No, I think I'll just go up now actually, anyone want this beer? I don't
want it after all." Sean took it off me.

"OK night guys. Oh and thanks for helping me out tonight."

"Don't worry about it."

"Night then." There was a shower of 'good nights' and Conner and I made our
way upstairs. And got ourselves ready for bed.

"So, are you OK?"

"Yeah, much better now. I'm sorry I kept on freaking out like that."

"Just take it easy. It doesn't matter what other people think about us."

"I know, it just kind of felt weird though. I was scared to see what looks
people gave me, I know it doesn't even matter, but I couldn't help it."

"You'll get used to it I guess. As time goes on you'll stop caring
altogether what people think about this."

"I hope so."

"You will, we will."

"I'm sorry Conner."

"Don't be, like you said, you couldn't help it."

"I love you Conner, so much."

"I know, I love you too."

"So what are we going to do tomorrow?"

"We're going to go and stand in the town square and kiss in front of the
whole population of Parkway."

"If I didn't know you any better, I'd think that you were being serious
then."

"OK, well maybe not tomorrow. We'll take this one step at a time, but one
day we're going to do that."

"We'll see babes, we'll see."


So, the boys have outted themselves. All of them. How is school going to
treat them on Monday? Was it really the case that nobody cared? How will
John react to his news being old news? Time will tell! Mail me!
wanna_get_lucky@hotmail.com and visit my site too!
http://www.luckys_place.homestead.com