Date: Wed, 27 Feb 2013 17:40:12 -0800
From: B.E. Kelley <hailcaesar2011@hotmail.com>
Subject: The Toothache

This story is a work of FICTION. The events described are my own invention.
Any similarities to actual events or persons are strictly coincidental. The
author retains the copyright, and any other rights, to this original
story. You may not publish it or any part of it without my explicit
authorization.

This story is loosely based on an experience I've gone through recently.  I
thought I was too young to have this kind of problem and it was almost a
disaster. Get regular checkups, they could save your life.

Comments are always welcome at: hailcaesar2011@hotmail.com

The Toothache

"Well Benji your teeth look fine," said Dr. Fisher, "no cavities, or decay
of any kind, you could floss more but I don't see any problems."

"But there has to be something," I complained, "this toothache has been
bothering me for two days."

"It might be referred pain," said Dr. Fisher.

"What's that?" I asked.

"Sometimes other problems manifest themselves as tooth pain," said
Dr. Fisher, "have your mom set up an appointment with your pediatrician,
maybe get a physical."

"Ok, I guess that makes sense, thanks Dr. Fisher," I replied and climbed
out of the dentist's chair.

"You're welcome Benji, have Maria make an appointment for you in 6 months
for your next check up," said Dr. Fisher.

I said goodbye to Dr. Fisher, then went out to the reception area and set
my next appointment with his receptionist.  I went out to the parking lot
and hopped into my old Volvo station wagon, then popped a couple of
Tylenol.  Despite Dr. Fisher's assurance that nothing was wrong with my
teeth, one of my molars was still throbbing.  Nobody was home when I get
there, mom and dad where still at work, Jeremy was at soccer practice,
Brian was probably out with his girlfriend and Tommy was probably playing
at a friend's house.  I thought about calling my boyfriend, Ian, but he
would still be at swimming practice.  I should have been there too but
skipped it for my dentist appointment.

With nothing else to do, I changed into a sweatshirt and track pants, laced
up my favorite pair of Asics and went out to the backyard.  Libby, my
Weimaraner and trusty running companion, ran over and put her paws on my
chest.  I gave her ears a quick scratch, snapped the leash on her collar
and then set out at a medium pace.  My brothers always give me a bunch of
crap when I go running on days like this; they think I must be crazy to run
five miles in the snow.  I only do it on days when I miss swimming
practice, if I can't do my laps, I have to run, or I get antsy and have
trouble sleeping at night.  Libby loves to run with me, I think she'd run
all day if I let her, I always get tired before she does.

By the time we got home, mom's car was in the driveway.  I took Libby back
to the yard, put some kibble in her bowl and then went inside.  Mom must
have gotten home right after I left, she was cooking dinner and the
wonderful smells coming from the stove suggested she'd been at it for a
while.

"Hi mom," I greeted, as I opened the fridge and got a bottle of water.

"Hey sweetie, how was your day?" asked mom, before she kissed me on the
cheek, "Oh Benji, honey, you stink."

"I know, Libby and I were out running," I explained, "and my day was ok."

"Did you see Dr. Fisher?" asked mom.

"Yeah, he says my teeth are fine," I replied.

"So that tooth isn't bothering you anymore?"

"That's the thing, it still hurts but Dr. Fisher is sure it's fine.  He
said I should have you make an appointment with Dr. Crane," I replied.

"The pediatrician?" asked mom.

"Yeah, Dr. Fisher says that some other problem might be causing my tooth to
hurt, he said it happens sometimes, he called it referred pain or something
like that," I explained.

"Alright, I'll call the office tomorrow morning before I leave for work,"
said mom, "now go shower, dad will be home soon, dinners in thirty
minutes."

"Ok," I smiled, then took off my sweatshirt and tossed it at her.

"Benji that's disgusting," mom groaned, I just laughed.

I trotted up the stairs and into my room.  I quickly stripped off my
clothes, tossing them about the room, then put on my bathrobe and went
across the hall to the bathroom I shared with my brothers.  After a long
day at school and a five mile run, there is nothing better than a hot
shower.  I waited until the room was nice and steamy, then I disrobed and
got under the showerhead.  I felt the hot water working its magic,
massaging my tired muscles like a professional masseuse.  When I was clean
and relaxed, I dried off and went back to my room, I found my little
brother, Tommy, waiting there, bouncing at the edge of my bed with excited
energy.

"Hi Benji!" Tommy exclaimed.

"Hey buddy, what are you doing in here?" I asked.

"I heard you turn off the shower, I wanted to tell you about my history
report," Tommy smiled.

"Oh yeah, I almost forgot, how did it go?" I asked, I'd spent the weekend
helping Tommy prepare for his oral report on John Adams, for his 7th grade
history class.

"It was awesome, I got an A and after class, Mrs. Carter told me my report
was the best one," Tommy beamed.

"Good job buddy," I smiled, "I'm really proud of you."

"Thanks but I couldn't have done it without your help, you know
everything!" Tommy exclaimed.

"Not everything," I laughed, "I just like history, but you're welcome."

"Anyway, how come you didn't wait until I got home before you went running,
I wanted to go," said Tommy.

"Uh, aren't you the one who sang Benji the Snowman the last time I went
running?" I asked.

"Yeah well, I thought it might be fun to go," Tommy giggled.

"Sorry, I didn't know where you were, anyway, I like to run by myself," I
explained.

"Libby gets to go," Tommy pouted.

"And when you wear a leash and eat your dinner from a bowl in the backyard,
I'll take you with me," I giggled.

"Yeah, yeah, whatever," Tommy grinned, "hurry up and change, I'm gonna go
bug mom until dinners ready."

When Tommy left, I got dressed, then went downstairs for dinner.  I like
dinner time at my house, we always eat together and between my parents and
my three brothers, conversations are pretty lively.  Jeremy and Tommy spent
the meal giving Brian a hard time about his girlfriend, Ashlee.  Brian is a
great guy, he's smart and athletic, but he's so shy with girls, we were all
surprised when he started dating her.  I watched him glow redder and redder
with each joke the boys made.  I didn't say much that night, my tooth was
throbbing and as soon as I finished eating, I went back to my room.

The pain was still there the next morning, when I tumbled out of bed and
dressed for the day.  I was running a little late so when I got down too
breakfast, I wasn't surprised to see everyone else scrambling to get out
the door.

"Benji, I called Dr. Crane's office, I got you the 4:30 appointment, will
you have enough time to get there after swimming?" asked mom.

"I'll tell coach I have a doctor's appointment, he'll let me leave early,"
I replied.

"Alright, you boys have a good day, come on Tommy, we're late," said mom.

Mom teaches English at the middle school and she and Tommy always ride
together.  Being the oldest came with the benefit of a car, even if it was
a hand-me-down station wagon, it also came with the responsibility of
driving Brian and Jeremy to school.  None of us are real morning people, so
the drive to school is usually quiet.  When I parked the car, we each went
our separate ways.  I'm not sure where Brian and Jeremy ran off to but I
headed over to my locker, where I knew I'd find Ian.  Sure enough, I turned
the corner off the main hall and there was a tall, blue-eyed, blond
standing there, looking ever so cute in his black and blue letter jacket,
waiting just for me.

"Good morning," Ian smiled brightly, when he saw me.

"Hi," I smiled back.

I'm really not a morning person, at all, but Ian is and his smiles always
put me in a good mood. He looked around the hall, made sure we were alone,
then planted a quick kiss on my cheek.

"How was practice yesterday?" I asked.

"You know, the usual, exercise and hot boys in Speedos," Ian giggled.

"You're such a perv," I rolled my eyes.

"Oh like you don't look," Ian challenged.

"You might think that, I couldn't possibly comment," I smirked.

"Uh huh, well, I hope you're ready to bust your ass today, Cory and Adam
kept screwing around yesterday and we all have to do extra laps today," Ian
informed me.

"Sucks to be you, I have a doctor's appointment," I smiled.

"Another one?" asked Ian.

"Yesterday was the dentist, today is my pediatrician," I explained.

"Are you sick," asked Ian, concern on his pretty face.

"Nah, just having a physical and stuff," I replied.

The bell rang after that and we had to go to class.  It was another boring
day at school but I was glad to get to swimming practice at the end of the
day.  No, not just for the boys in Speedos, although I admit that is a nice
bonus, I just love being in the water and I feel weird if I haven't swam
for a few days.  It was a good practice; I worked hard and then checked out
of the pool at 4:00 so that I wouldn't be late for my appointment.  Coach
wasn't happy about it but he's a good guy and always thinks of his team
first, he let me go without too much comment.  Snow always makes driving in
Wallingford a little slow, but I got to my appointment on time.

"So Benji, your mom says you've been having some pain in your tooth?"
Dr. Crane asked quizzically.

"Yeah, I went to my dentist yesterday, he couldn't find anything wrong, he
recommended I come see you, he said it might be referred pain," I
explained.

"I see, well, not knowing exactly what we're looking for, I'll give you a
battery of tests, we'll start with a physical, do some x-ray's, take some
blood and go from there," said Dr. Crane.

I hate physicals, I don't know what a doctor is supposed to find out from
grabbing your nuts and making you cough, I think it's a pointless exercise
designed to make us both uncomfortable.  At least the physical was
harmless, after it was done; he drew two vials of blood and then took me to
the x-ray room.  When all the testing was done, Dr. Fisher said that he
would call me when the results were in and we'd go from there.  It felt
like a waste of time, after all that, my tooth still hurt and I didn't feel
any closer to knowing why.

When I got home, I told my parents about my appointment, had dinner with my
family and started on my homework.  I felt more tired than usual so I went
to bed early.  The next day started out like any other, but everything
changed at about 10:00am, when I was at break with Ian and some buddies,
and my cell started ringing.

"Hello?" I answered.

"Benji, this is Katie from Dr. Crane's office calling."

"Oh, hi, what can I do for you?" I asked.

"Dr. Crane has the results from the tests he performed yesterday, he'd like
you to come over to the office right away," said Katie.

"Oh, ok, can it wait until this afternoon, I have swimming practice and
I've missed a lot the last couple of days," I explained.

"I'm sorry Benji but doctor says now," Katie insisted.

"Ok, um, I guess I'll be right there," I replied.

"What was that all about?" asked Ian.

"My doctor's office, he wants me to come over right now, to go over my test
results," I replied.

"Oh, I wonder why it can't wait?" said Ian.

"Yeah, me too, you don't think there's something wrong, do you?" I asked.

"Nah, you know doctors, he probably wants to golf later so he's making you
come in now," said Ian.

"It's 4o degrees outside," I reminded him.

"Ok, so racket ball then, I don't know, I'm just sure you're ok," Ian
smiled.

That made me feel a little better.  I smiled back and told Ian that it
probably wouldn't take too long and that I'd see him at lunch.  I checked
out at the front office, got in my car and drove across town.  I got
instantly nervous when I found my parents waiting in the doctor's reception
room.

"Mom, dad, what are you guys doing here?" I asked.

"Dr. Crane's receptionist called us at work, they said that they got the
results from your tests and that he needed to see us right away," said Dad.

"Did he say way, is something wrong?" I asked.

"We don't know honey, they said he'd tell us when we got here," said mom.

I was about to ask another question when Katie the receptionist, opened the
door and told us that the doctor would see us now.  I'd never been in his
actual office before, just the exam rooms; it made me nervous to sit there,
looking at all his degrees and diploma's, while we waited for him to walk
in.  When he did come in, he gave us a cursory greeting then sat at his
desk.

"Benji, Mr. and Mrs. Keeler, the reason I asked you to come in so quickly
is because I got the results of some of the tests I gave you yesterday and
we need to talk about them," said Dr. Crane.

"Ok, give it to me straight, doc, is it my ticker?" I joked.  I do that
sometimes, try to defuse tense moments with humor, it never really sounds
as good out loud as it does in my head.

"Yes, I'm afraid it is," said Dr. Crane.

"Wait a minute, what?" I replied.

"The results of your EKG show a severe blockage of your left main artery,
in my opinion you need an immediate coronary bypass in order to prevent a
massive coronary event," the doctor explained.

"Oh my God," said mom.

"Coronary event?" I asked, my hands starting to tremble.

"A heart attack, Benji, from the size of the blockage, it would be life
threatening," he explained.

"How is this possible, he's a 16 year old boy," said mom.

"Yeah, and he's in great shape, he's always in the pool or running," said
dad.

"Some people are genetically predisposed to heart problems, and I agree
that Benji is otherwise in perfect health.  It could also be his diet, boys
his age eat a lot of junk they shouldn't, his body might not be processing
it the way it should and that led to the blockage," said Dr. Crane, "what's
important now isn't cause, we can address that later, right now, you need
to take Benji down to Yale-New Haven Medical Center.  I've already called
them and explained his case; they're ready to perform an emergency bypass."

I sat there while mom and dad worked out the details with Dr. Crane.  I
guess I was in shock, I sure as hell couldn't believe what I was hearing.
In my wildest dreams, I wouldn't have thought this was the news I'd hear
today.

"Benji, are you alright?" asked Dr. Crane.

"Huh, what?" I replied.

"You look a little spaced out," the doctor stated.

"I, uh, I'm a little freaked out," I admitted.

"Listen, I know this is a lot for you to take in and I won't lie to you,
this is a major procedure, but it's also a common one, it's got a 95%
success rate," the doctor explained.

"Yeah, ok," I nodded, "um, what do we do now, do I have time to take my car
home and change?"

"I'm afraid not, I can't stress enough the need to act quickly here, you
need to go right now," said Dr. Crane.

I don't know how I ended up in the car; it was like I blinked my eyes and
found myself in the back of my mom's Mercedes.  I felt my heart beating
fast in my chest and that scared the hell out of me, I was afraid it was
going to pop like a balloon at any moment.

"Don't worry about your car, I'll take your keys and Brian and I will come
get it tonight," said Dad.

"Ok," I muttered.

"Are you going to bring the boys to the hospital?" I asked.

"After you get settled in, I'll wait with you while dad goes to pick them
up," said mom.

"Ok," I muttered again.

"Honey, do you want me to call Ian?" asked mom.

"No."

"Benji, are you sure, I know you'd want to be there if something like this
was happening to him," said mom.

"I don't want him to see me like this," I replied, then I broke down.

"Oh sweetheart, it's ok, you heard what the doctor said, you're going to be
just fine," said mom, though she was crying too.

Her words were reassuring but not enough to get me to stop crying.  I
couldn't get a hold of myself, I couldn't make it stop.  I was terrified,
16 year old boys don't have heart surgery! I was so afraid, I felt so weak
and betrayed by my own body.  I knew my mom was right, Ian would want to be
there but I couldn't bear to see the look on his face.  I love Ian, I love
that big happy grin he always wears, I didn't want to see what my condition
would do to his perfect face, how it would wound his gentle heart.

When we got to the hospital, I calmed myself down enough to get out of the
car but my legs felt wobbly.  My mom put her arm around my waist and held
me while we walked in, dad was trying to be strong but I could read fear
and concern on his face every time he looked at me. We checked in at the
cardiac center, mom and dad signed the required paperwork and then an
orderly came out with a wheelchair and had me sit down.

"Mom," I called out, I started to panic a little when I sat in that chair.

"It's alright sweetheart, they're just going to prep you for surgery, I'll
see you before they take you in to the operating room," said mom.

"Ok," I sniffled.

The orderly wheeled me into a room and had me change into a hospital gown.
He put my clothes into a dry cleaner bag, then he wheeled me into another
room to have a special type of x-ray called a coronary angiogram.  I was
injected with a dye that's visible on x-rays, then they took shots of my
blood vessels.  This gave them a detailed look at the blockage.  When that
was done, I was put in a regular looking hospital room and told to get in
bed.  I waited there and a few minutes later a nurse walked in.

"Hi, I'm Nurse Wright, I'm here to prep you for your operation," she
smiled.

"Ok, what do you need me to do?" I asked.

"Just lie back and relax, I'll take care of everything," said Nurse Wright.

She came over to the bed and hooked me up to an IV, then she untied my gown
and pulled it down, exposing my chest.

"Oh," said Nurse Wright.

"What, what is it, is something the matter?" I asked.

"No, no, nothing to worry about, I'm just supposed to shave your chest but
there's nothing there," she winked.

"Oh, you scared me," I replied.

"I'm sorry kiddo, having kind of a rough day, huh?" she asked.

"You could say that."

"Well, don't worry about a thing, this is one of the best hospitals in the
country and Dr. Stanhope will be performing your surgery, he's one of the
best in the world," said Nurse Wright.

"That's good to know," I smiled weakly.

"Cheer up kiddo, it'll all be over soon," said Nurse Wright, then she took
out a syringe and injected something into my IV line.

"What's that?" I asked.

"Just a mild sedative, it'll help you relax a little," she explained.

"Oh, ok," I muttered, I could already feel it starting to work.

"Alright, you just hang out here and I'll go get your mom and dad, ok?"

"Yes, thank you," I mumbled, the sedative made my mouth feel a little
clumsy when I spoke.

I blinked my eyes a few times and must have nodded off, when I woke, mom
and dad were standing at my side, mom holding my hand.

"Hi," I whispered dreamily.

"Hi honey," mom smiled.

"Where are Jeremy, Brian and Tommy?" I asked.

"They're waiting out in the lobby, the doctors said it was best if they
didn't come back here," said mom.

"Oh, ok."

"They send you their love and they want you to know that they'll be waiting
out there until you come out of surgery," said mom.

"Would you tell them I love them, please?" I asked.

"Of course we will," mom smiled.

"And Ian, if anything happens to me, would you tell him for me, you
know..." I trailed off.

"Don't talk like that sweetie, everything is going to be ok," said mom.

"Don't you worry about a thing champ, just think about getting better,"
said dad.

I was about to say something but there was a knock at the door and
Dr. Stanhope came in.  He started explaining the procedure to my parents
but I nodded off again.  The next time I woke up, I was on a gurney and
they were wheeling me out of my room.

"Bye mom, bye dad," I said with a weak wave.

They wheeled me into the operating room and I lie on my back, naked save
for my underwear.  There was a sheet over me with a hole in it exposing my
chest.  I had to squint to see, there was a light over me that was
incredibly bright, then someone put an oxygen mask over my face.

"Benji, breathe deeply and count back from 10," said a masked figure with
almond shaped eyes.

"10, 9, 8, 7..." I counted, then went out like a light.

Once I was unconscious, the medial team went to work.  Dr. Stanhope made a
six inch incision down the center of my chest; he exposed my breast bone
and cracked it open, then used a rib spreader to expose my heart and
internal organs.  Now that he had access to my insides, he used his scalpel
to cut open my pericardium, the sack that held my heart.

While Dr. Stanhope was doing that, his assistant set about harvesting a
saphenous vein from my leg.  She started by making an incision from my
mid-thigh down to my mid-calf, next she began to cut segments free from the
vessel.  The harvested segments were placed in a bowl filled with saline
solution and my leg was stitched closed.

With my pericardium cut open and my healthy blood vessel harvested, the
doctor then stopped my heart.  He connected me to a heart-lung bypass
machine so that it could pump blood for me while he worked on my artery.
With the flow of blood to my heart stopped, my aorta was clamped and the
flow of blood was redirected to the machine.  The anesthesiologist then
squirted my heart with a medication that caused it to stop pumping.  In a
sense, I was dead, my heart, the engine that powered my body was stopped
cold.

With my heart stopped, Dr. Stanhope then set to work on my artery.  The
harvested vein was cut to the appropriate size then attached to my aorta.
The other end of the vein was attached to the artery just past the
blockage.  When the procedure was finished, the clamp on my aorta was
removed, allowing blood to flow back to the muscle.  My heart started to
beat on its own and a small electric shock was administered to help it
return to its normal rhythm.  A chest tube was put in place to drain excess
fluids, my sternum was wired back together and then the incision was
stitched closed.  The procedure had taken three and a half hours.

I woke up to ethereal light blurring over my head, I could feel something
in my mouth and when I reached up to pull it out, someone stopped me.
Dr. Stanhope stood over me, his voice sounded like an echo.

"Benji, the surgery is over, you're in recovery now and you're doing just
fine. I'll remove the breathing tube, you just close your eyes and rest,
ok?" said Dr. Stanhope.

All I could do was nod my head.

The next time I woke, I felt strange hands holding my penis, on instinct; I
reached down and grabbed the offending wrist. The woman I grabbed let out a
little bemused shriek.

"Who are you and why are you touching me there?" I rasped, my mouth was so
dry.

"Benji, it's me, Nurse Wright, do you remember where you are?" she asked.

"Oh, right, I had surgery," I replied, as the fog lifted from my memory,
"what are you doing to my, um..."

"I'm just checking your catheter to make sure it was properly
administered," she explained.

"Oh," I blushed.

"Don't worry kiddo, I've seen plenty of them," she winked.

"Oh," I blushed again, "could I have some water?"

"Let's try some ice chips first, ok?" said the nurse.

"Yeah, ok," I nodded.

She fed me some ice chips, dried the corner of my mouth, then gave me a
drink from a Dixie Cup.

"Good boy," she winked, "now, why don't you rest while I got get your
parents, ok?"

"Yeah, that would be good," I mumbled, I was still coming out of the
deepest sleep I'd ever had.

"Hi honey," my mom smiled a few minutes later, when she and my dad entered
the room.

They each hugged me gently, wrapping themselves around my shoulders,
careful not to touch my incision or the chest tube.

"Hi mom, hi dad," I smiled weakly.

"How do you feel son?" asked dad.

"Tired," I replied.

"That's ok, the doctor says you're going to be sleepy for most of the day,"
said mom.

"Can I see, Jeremy, Brian and Tommy?" I asked.

"Ok, but only for a minute," said dad, as he left to get them.

My mom just smiled down at me and stroked my hair; I could see how relieved
she was.  In all my efforts to try and be a big boy, to grow up, it's
sometimes easy to forget that I'm still her baby; this must have been hell
for mom and dad.

"I'm ok mom," I whispered.

"I know, the doctor says you came through the operation just fine, no
complications at all," she smiled.

"Hey," said Jeremy, sticking his head through the door, "is it ok if we
come in?"

"Yeah, come on over," I smiled and waved them in.

"How ya doin?" asked Jeremy.

"Better then I look I bet," I replied.

"What else is new?" Brian teased.

"Smartass," I smiled.

"Are you ok?" sniffled Tommy, he was hiding behind my dad.

"I'm fine Tommy, well I will be, the operation was a complete success," I
explained.

"Can I hug you?" asked Tommy, coming out from behind dad's leg.

"Sure buddy, I'd like that."

"Be gentle Tommy, don't touch his chest," said Dad.

Tommy stood on his tip toes and hugged me around my neck.  I heard him
sniffle a little and I rubbed his back.  Tommy's always been my little
buddy, and I wanted to reassure him.

"I'm ok Tommy, really, I'll be home in a few days," I sighed.

"Benji, you alright?" asked mom.

"Tired mom," I yawned.

"Ok guys, how about we let your brother get some rest?" said dad, then they
all turned to walk out.

"Hey mom," I called after them.

"Yes sweetie?"

"Call Ian, please, I wanna see Ian," I asked.

"Ok, I will," she smiled.

"Promise?"

"I promise," said mom.

"Thanks," I yawned, then fell back to sleep.

The next time I woke up, there was sunlight filling my room.  It was a
soft, orange glow that hinted at a sunrise waiting to be born.  This time I
was fully cognizant, there was no fog from anesthesia but there was a dull
pain coming from my chest.  I put my hand gingerly against the wounded area
and groaned when I felt the chest tube, the area around it ached.

"Want me to get someone?" said Ian.

I flinched at the sound of his voice, he was in a chair off to the side and
behind the propped up position of my bed.

"When did you get here?" I asked.

"Your mom called me about eight o'clock last night, I came straight here,"
said Ian.

"You've been here all night?"

"I couldn't leave you here by yourself," he smiled, "why didn't you tell me
you were having surgery?"

"It was an emergency, there wasn't time," I lied.

"Babe, I know you're mom pretty well, she would have called me, you told
her not to," said Ian, he knew me to well for me to lie to him with much
confidence.

"Can we talk about it later, I need someone," I winced; the pain was
getting a little worse.

"Right, I'm sorry, I'll be right back," said Ian.

He turned to walk out the door but before he could cross the room, a nurse
walked in with a tray.

"Ah, I see we're awake," she smiled.

"Yeah, where's Nurse Wright?" I asked.

"She went off duty at midnight, I'm Nurse Olson," she explained, "how are
you feeling this morning?"

"I ache a little," I replied, "and I uh, gotta pee."

"The ache is normal, you should be right around the edge of the last round
of painkillers you were given, not to worry, I brought more," said Nurse
Olsen, holding up her tray, "as for the other part, just go ahead, you've
been catheterized."

She handed me a small cup, I swallowed the pills inside with a drink of
water, then started blushing a little.

"You want some privacy honey?" smiled Nurse Olsen.

"Yeah."

"Alright, the doctor will be by to check on you soon, that chest tube will
need to come out later today," she explained, then walked out.

"Want me to leave to?" asked Ian.

"No, you can stay, but uh, would you turn away?" I asked.

"Sure," Ian smiled.

Once I started going I didn't think I'd be able to stop, I don't know where
all that fluid came from, I'd hardly had anything to drink since yesterday
morning.

"All done?" asked Ian, a minute later.

"Yeah, you can turn around," I blushed.

"You know you're cute when you blush, right?" asked Ian.

"If you say so," I grunted, then reached for his hand, "I'm glad you're
here."

"I wouldn't be anywhere else," said Ian, as he took my hand.

"Does anyone else know I'm here?" I asked.

"Pretty much everyone, people have been texting me all night, asking if
they could come and see you," said Ian.

"Who told?" I exclaimed.

"I don't know, wasn't me, maybe one of your brothers?" said Ian.

"Damn it, I didn't want the whole world to know!"

"Benji, what's the matter, you didn't want me here until after the
operation, you don't want your friends to come see you, they all care about
you, they just want to wish you well," said Ian.

"I don't know, it's weird, I just feel, I don't know," I mumbled, I was
getting frustrated; I couldn't find the words to express myself.

"It's ok, you don't have to explain yourself, you just need to rest and get
better," said Ian.

"You're a good boyfriend Ian, I didn't keep you away because I don't love
you, promise me you won't think that?" I pleaded.

"Of course I don't think that, silly," he smiled again, his special,
perfect smile, "but I am worried about you."

"I'll be fine now, the surgery was a success," I replied.

"Ok," said Ian, with a yawn.

"Did you get much sleep?" I asked and felt a little guilty, I'd slept
great.

"No, not much, but that's ok, I was looking after precious property," Ian
winked.

"Thanks, it means the world to me that you were here," I replied, and I
meant it, I love him, "but my parents will be here soon and the doctors and
stuff, why don't you go home and get some rest, then come back after you've
had a nap?"

"Are you sure?" asked Ian.

"Yeah, you're gonna need your sleep, I'm going to be leaning on you a lot,"
I smiled.

"Alright," said Ian, then he leaned down and gave me a soft kiss on the
lips.

"Easy, I don't want his heart rate to spike," said Dr. Stanhope, as he
snuck in.  Ian and I both blushed.

"It's ok, I was just leaving," Ian smiled.

The doctor gave him a friendly smile and I looked away, I couldn't bring my
eyes up to meet the doctors, I'm pretty shy, especially about something as
private as my sexuality.

"That's a nice kid, did you know he stayed by your side all night?" asked
Dr. Stanhope.

"Yeah I heard," I blushed, earning myself one of the doctor's smiles.

"Well, the surgery went fine, I'm just here to take a look at that chest
tube and check your chart, ok?" asked Dr. Stanhope.

I nodded my head and Dr. Stanhope unbuttoned the side of my gown, under the
armpit, so he could examine the area around the tube and the bag that was
filling with fluid.  I couldn't see the wound and I wasn't sure I wanted
to; I didn't think I was ready for that.

"Well, everything looks good here, the flow of fluid has almost stopped, I
think we'll remove the tube this evening and that uncomfortable catheter,"
said Dr. Stanhope.

"What if I have to go to the bathroom?" I asked.

"Call a nurse, someone will help you out of bed and over to the bathroom,
it's important that we get you up and moving," said Dr. Stanhope, "I want
to get you home by the end of the week, in order to do that you have to be
functioning at a level I feel safe discharging you with."

"Oh, ok," I nodded.

Dr. Stanhope left after that and then the stream of visitors began.  It was
still early when my mom and dad came in, they brought the boys again and
then dad took them to school and headed to his office.  He's our county
district attorney and unfortunately he was in court that day and couldn't
get out of it.  Mom arranged a substitute for herself, so that she could
stay by my side.  After my dad and the boys left, my swimming coach came to
visit, then my principal, followed by my grandparents who drove down from
Vermont.  At lunch time some friends from school and the swim team came by,
that just upset me though, the girls cried and the boys, well, aside from
such words of wisdom as "dude," and "whoa," didn't have much to say.  Mom
made sure I got plenty of time to rest between visitors and then that
evening, Dr. Crane came by to check on me.  He stayed and helped
Dr. Stanhope remove the chest tube and catheter.

At 6 o'clock that evening, I finally talked my mom into letting dad take
her home, I gave her the same line I'd given Ian, she needed to keep her
strength if she was going to help me.  After my family left, a Nurse Wright
came in to check my vitals, that was annoying; they seemed to do it every
time I relaxed.

"Your buddy called, he was trying to get hold of your mom," said the nurse.

"Oh, which one?" I asked.

"That tall blond hottie that was here last night," she winked.

"Oh, that's Ian," I blushed, "why didn't he just call her cell?"

"No cell phones allowed in this ward, can't have them scrambling the
machines," she explained.

"Did he say what he wanted?"

"Just that he was coming by to see you," she smiled.

"Oh, ok, cool."

"Not to tired from all your visitors?" asked Nurse Wright.

"No, but, um, I do have to pee," I blushed.

"Will you stop that already?" she smiled, "everyone does it."

"I know, but um, can you help me to the bathroom?" I asked.

"Sure."

Nurse Wright had me hold on to the rolling IV stand so I could bring it
with me, then she helped me hobble over to the bathroom.  Every step seemed
to make me wince, it was slow going, but I'd been told to expect that so I
wasn't too worried.

"Your mom brought you some pajamas, she thought you'd be more comfortable
in your own clothes then in that gown, I put them in there, on the shelf,"
said Nurse Wright, "take things easy in there, don't strain yourself and
when you're ready to get dressed, just call out and I'll help you, I'll be
waiting right out here."

"Ok, thanks," I replied, then closed the door to do my business.

After peeing, I stood up and took off my hospital gown, I stood there in my
underwear and that's when I got the first good look at myself.  I looked in
the mirror and saw blue eyes, normally they're kind of sparkly, but now
they were flat, my skin looked paler then normal and even my short brown
hair looked limp.  The worst part was the incision, this was the first time
I'd seen it, angry red and raw, it looked wet like torn flesh, stitched
together like Frankenstein's monster.  I was leaning against the counter
and my arms started to shake, then tears started to fall from my eyes.

"Oh Jesus," I whined, "Oh my God."

It was hideous.

I stood there and wept, it was so ugly and it would be with me the rest of
my life, there was no way I wouldn't have a huge scar.  While I stood
there, sobbing, I heard voices coming from the room; I knew Ian was there,
talking to Nurse Wright.  I stayed in there as long as I could but
eventually she knocked on the door.

"Benji, doing alright in there?" she asked.

"Yeah, uh, yeah I'm fine," I replied as I scrambled to wipe my eyes.

"Do you need a hand with your pajamas?" she asked.

"Uh, yes please," I replied, it hurt to bend over to far and I didn't know
how I was supposed to get a t-shirt on over my IV.

"I can help," said Ian, Nurse Wright had opened the door but I pulled back
out of sight so he couldn't see me.

"No, uh, I want the nurse, Ian could you just wait there?" I asked.

"Oh, ok," said Ian, I sensed disappointment in his voice, he was so eager
to help.

"Are you sure you don't want him to help, if I were you'd, I'd rather have
that cutie pie then some old lady like me," said Nurse Wright, once the
door closed.

"I don't want him to see it," I sniffled.

"What, you're incision?" she asked.

"It's awful."

"Honey, they all are, it's no big deal," she explained.

"Sure, it's no big deal if you're 60, look, I just don't want him to see,
please help me?" I asked.

"Ok, ok, don't get yourself upset, I was just asking," said Nurse Wright.

She helped me put my pajama's on, then temporarily unplugged me from the IV
while she slipped a t-shirt over my head and arms. When I was all dressed,
she plugged me back into the IV drip and then guided me back to my bed.
Once I was under the blankets, I pulled them up high, as if the t-shirt
wasn't enough to hide my chest.

"I'll leave you boys alone now," smiled Nurse Wright, then she walked back
out to the nurse's station.

"Hey," said Ian.

"Hey," I smiled, then took his hand.

"Benji, are you sure you're ok?" asked Ian.

"As ok as I can be right now," I replied.

"I know, dumb question I guess, I just, well, I get the feeling you don't
want me around," said Ian.

"Ian, it's not that, I swear, I'm just feeling a lot of emotions right now,
I mean, I could have died, you know?" I stated.

"I know, and that scares the hell out of me, I mean, you weren't even sick
before this," said Ian.

"Yeah, I just need a little time to bounce back, ok?" I asked.

"Of course, anything you want," said Ian, "I have to get going anyway, my
mom won't let me miss school again tomorrow."

"Ok, could you do something for me before you leave?" I asked.

"Sure, what, anything, name it," said Ian, flashing one of his big smiles.

"That was good enough," I replied.

"What did I do?" asked Ian.

"You know, dimples," I grinned.

"Oh," Ian blushed, then kissed my cheek, "I'll come by right after class
tomorrow, ok."

"I'll see you then."

About an hour after Ian left, I got a roommate.  He looked old, I guessed
at least 65, maybe 70, but he was in good spirits and talkative.

"Jesus Christ, what are you doing in the cardiac unit, you're a baby!" he
exclaimed.

"I uh, I had bypass surgery yesterday," I explained.

"No shit?" he asked.

"No shit."

"I got mine in 90, bet you weren't even born then," he replied, then lifted
up his shirt to show me his scar.

"No, I wasn't" I replied.

"Come on kid, show me your zipper," he urged.

I don't know why I showed him, maybe it was because he was a stranger, I
didn't love him, I didn't care if it grossed him out, or maybe it was the
fact that he was a fellow traveler, so to speak.  Hell, it was probably
just to shut him up, I got the sense that he'd keep talking until I showed
him.  I pulled the covers away, then lifted up my t-shirt.

"Phew, that's a beauty," he whistled, "Names Frank; I'm in for a tune up on
my pacemaker."

"Benji, well, Ben, but everyone calls me Benji," I replied.

"Good to know ya Benji," said Frank.

He kept talking but eventually his wife came in, he asked me to show her my
"zipper," but she was kind enough to tell him to shut up and leave me
alone.  While she had his attention, I was able to get some sleep.

The next couple of days were a blur of visits from my parents and Ian,
along with an assortment of friends and family and constant attention from
doctors and nurses.  Frank also had a stream of visitors and he delighted
in showing off my incision to them, they all seemed fascinated that someone
so young had undergone such an operation.  If I never hear the phrase,
"show `em your zipper," again, it'll be too soon.

On the fourth day, Dr. Stanhope pronounced me well enough to return home,
under strict orders that I rest, work to rebuild my appetite and monitor my
incision for any signs of infection.  If everything went according to plan,
he'd release me back to school and normal activities in 4 to 6 weeks.
There were a bunch of other things I had to do, but mom took detailed notes
so I wouldn't have to, I just wanted to go home.  The doctor said it was
normal to be depressed and cry easily while I was recovering but I lied and
told him I felt fine.  I didn't want anyone asking me questions about
things I was trying to bury.

When I got home, my grandparents were there along with some aunts, uncles
and cousins.  I tried to be polite but I didn't want attention, I wanted to
slink off to my room and be left alone.  I was embarrassed by what had
happened to me, it made me feel weak, it shattered my teenaged sense of
invincibility and that shook me to my very core.  Everyone wanted to help,
wanted to do things for me and all I wanted was to not feel like an
invalid.  I was getting more and more frustrated by the moment and I'm
ashamed to say I took it out on Brian.

"Hey, where ya going?" asked Brian, when I stood up from the chair I'd been
sitting in.

"Up to my room," I replied.

"Oh, let me help you," Brian offered.

"I'm alright, thanks."

"But the doctor said you shouldn't over exert yourself," said Brian.

"It's just the stairs to my room, I'll be fine."

"Yeah, but..."

"I said I'll be fine God damn it, would you just get off my back!" I
shouted, drawing all the attention to myself, the last thing I wanted.

"Yeah, yeah, sure, I, I'm sorry," said Brian, then he turned away, I think
he was crying, he's always been the sensitive one and I knew I'd hurt his
feelings.

The thing was, I didn't care just then, I wanted to get away and I limped
off to my room as quickly as I could.  When I got there, I shut the door
and took off my shirt, I stared at my scar and as I had every night since
my surgery, I cried.  A few minutes later, there was a knock at my door, I
figured it was one of my parents coming to tell me to apologize to Brian,
so I didn't answer it.  There was another knock and when I didn't answer
it, Tommy came in.  I didn't even try to pretend I wasn't crying, there
were too many tears, I just crossed my arms over my chest so he wouldn't
have to see my incision.

"Hey," said Tommy.

"Hey," I sniffled back.

"Benji, why are you crying?"

I don't know what made me open up to my youngest brother, maybe it was the
concern in his eye, maybe it was the unconditional love I saw there, for
whatever reason, I moved my arms so he could see "it."

"Because I'm so ugly," I wept.

"Benji, don't say that, you're not ugly," said Tommy.

"I'm hideous, look at my chest, I look like a monster."

"You know what I think?" asked Tommy in his inquisitive, boyish manner.

I just looked at him with eager eyes, hopping that the 12 year old might
have some words of wisdom.

"I think it's beautiful," said Tommy, as he touched my chest and gently
stroked the skin around my wound.

"Are you nuts?" I asked.

"It is beautiful, Benji, it saved your life," said Tommy.

"It's just what's left of that horrible procedure, just a reminder that my
own weak heart tried to kill me," I sniffled.

"Well, when I look at it, I see a miracle, I still have my big brother
because of that scar," said Tommy, then he put his arms around my neck and
hugged me tight.

"You really think that?" I asked.

"Yeap," said Tommy.

I sometimes wish I was still a little kid, they see things so much better
than the rest of us.  I still thought he was wrong but it was comforting to
know that at least my baby brother didn't think less of me.  Tommy left and
let me take a nap, my mom was there when I woke up, she gave me my evening
meds then asked me to come down to dinner, she said the family had gone.
Brian was sitting in his usual set, when I came into the dining room; I
walked up behind him, put my hands on his shoulders and gave him a kiss on
the top of his head.

"I'm sorry," I whispered in his ear, then sat down.

"It's ok," said Brian, giving me his shy smile, "I just wanted to help."

"I know, I'm sorry I snapped, it was my fault, not yours," I assured him.

The first week at home was rough, not because I was in a lot of pain, I
mean, I always felt pain, it was this dull sensation I was always aware of,
but it was well controlled with medication.  The problem was I ran out of
things to do, I think I have a tendency towards hyper-activity, I don't
like to sit still any longer then I have to and I really fidget when I
don't get to exercise.  I was under strict orders, no swimming, no running,
for at least 4 weeks.  The best I could do was short walks but my mom
wouldn't let me take the dog and she insisted on coming with me.  That
didn't work, part of the reason I like to run is the solitude, being by
myself to clear my head.  Mom wanted to talk the entire time.

I tried reading, I love to read but after a while I got up and paced around
the room with my book.  That didn't bother me until I tripped over one of
my sneakers and mom freaked out.  She heard me fall and it scared the hell
out of her, she ran up the stairs and was painting when she walked in.  She
saw me picking myself up from the floor and looked at me as if she expected
to find me dead on the carpet.  That was the end of that, from then on, she
insisted I hang out in the family room, where she could keep an eye on me.
I wanted to complain but I couldn't do it, I felt a terrible sense of guilt
about what I put my parents through, I didn't want to cause them anymore
pain, so I camped out in front of the TV even if I'd rather be alone.

The brightest part of the day was my afternoon visits from Ian.  He came
over after swim practice, every afternoon.  My parents love Ian, he's the
kind of boy parents dream of their daughter marrying, in my case, my
parents were just as happy their boy had found someone so special. Ian is
beautiful, tall and statuesque with his swimmers body, he's a straight A
student, he's kind, caring, tender and...such a dork.  That's one of the
things I like best about him, he's not one of those pretty boys who trades
on his looks and has nothing else to offer, he's fun, he's goofy and I know
he's completely in love with me.  I've known that since before we were a
couple, Ian is a terrible card player, not that I'm any better; he just
can't hide what he's thinking.  I've been able to read his eyes since the
day we met.

Two weeks after my surgery, I was feeling a little better, I wasn't as
depressed as I had been and I stopped thinking of myself as some kind of
hideous monster, just because I had a scar.  I realize that was stupid but
I had major life changing event take place and I felt entitled to my
irrationality.  I still wouldn't let anyone I cared about see it, I was
still self-conscience about it but I wasn't pushing people away anymore.
In fact, when it came to Ian, I craved him.  We've been together since our
freshman year, we took things slow, we didn't even do more than kiss that
first year, but we've been making love for 6 months.

The day of my two week anniversary, I waited for Ian to come over.  I was
still camped out in the family room but my mom trusted Ian to look after me
and when he came over, she let us go up to my room.  Ian took off his
letter jacket and hung it on the back of my desk chair and when he turned
around, I pushed him down on my bed, you should have seen the look on his
face.

"Feeling frisky?" Ian grinned when I lie next to him.

"Uh huh," I nodded, then kissed him hard on the mouth.

Ian was very tender; he rolled me onto my back and propped himself up on
his elbow, so he could hover over me while we kissed.  His kisses were just
as urgent as mine; he'd missed this as much as I had.  My poor baby, he was
accustomed to my affection and for the last few weeks, he's had to do
without.  I wanted to make it up to him, I put my hand behind his neck and
massaged the muscles while our tongues dueled, that always makes him purr.
Ian moaned into my mouth then put his hand gingerly on my chest.

"Is this ok?" he asked, nodding at the placement of his hand.

"Yeah, just be gentle," I reminded him.

We continued kissing and Ian stroked my chest.  His fingers were so nimble;
he massaged my pectorals then skirted around my incision and rubbed my
abs. His hand came up under my t-shirt where he rubbed my lower belly, his
fingers skirting along my waistband, as if waiting for permission to go
lower.  Ian's touch is like a magic key, when he touched me there, I moaned
and my legs spread apart as if they had a mind of their own.  Ian slipped
his hand into my pajamas and gently groped me through my underwear.  He's
such a boy sometimes, I could tell from the way his kissing changed that he
was having fun, playing with my package, as if he'd just found a new toy.
I was so hard, it had been so long since we'd been this intimate, Ian
slipped his hand into my briefs and stroked my shaft. I moaned again, then
something else started to happen, something that's happened a million times
over the course of our love life but hadn't scared me before.

My heart started racing, I could hear it pounding in my ears, thump, thump,
thump, thump.  I was light headed, all that blood had rushed into my dick
and the thumping grew louder and faster and I started to panic.

"Stop, Ian, stop, stop," I panted.

He just giggled and licked my neck.

"No, Ian, really, stop," I whined.

My change in tone froze him, then he pulled away.

"What's wrong, are you ok, do you need me to call someone?" he rambled.

"I'm fine, it's just, maybe we shouldn't be doing this, you know, strenuous
activity and all," I stammered.

"Oh, ok, I was afraid I hurt you," said Ian, breathing a sigh of relief.

"No, not at all, I love you and I loved what we were doing, I just think
it's better to wait."

"Yeah, I don't want to take any risks," Ian agreed, though he seemed a
little disappointed, "anyway, I better get going, my mom told me not to be
late for dinner tonight."

"Ok, see you tomorrow?" I asked.

"You bet," he smiled, then kissed me on the forehead.

I started panting when he left, I was desperate to catch my breath, I'd
been holding it during our conversation.  That scared me, bad, I thought my
heart was going to pop; it had been racing so fast.  I didn't know what I
was going to do, I was afraid of my own body; it had already betrayed me
once.  I wanted to be with Ian, missed being with him, needed him like I
needed no other, but I couldn't do it.  I couldn't take the risk, I didn't
want to die. I didn't get to think about it long.

"Benji, come back downstairs please," my mom called out.

"Fuck," I whispered to myself, "Be right down mom!"

I started to get frustrated after that.  I was getting better and I was
trying to get back into the groove of doing the things I normally did, but
something felt, off.  It was like something about me had changed when they
stopped my heart and brought me back from the dead.  Things just didn't
feel right, I felt out of sync, out of rhythm.  Most people would have
never noticed it, in fact, it even took me a while to pick up on it, it was
most evident to me when I played the piano.

My mom and dad were the kind of parents that never let us sit around like
idle princes, they made sure that my brothers and I always had some kind of
activity.  When we were younger it was little league and soccer or music
lessons, as we got older, we each found our niche and went our own ways.  I
was the only one that stuck with music, I liked playing the piano and I was
good at it, great even.  Since I was a very little boy, I've had this
ability with music, I just have to hear a piece and then somehow, I'm able
to play it.

That hasn't been working so well lately, before my operation, I'd started
playing Beethoven's Sonata 23.  It's a complex piece and I took pride in
being able to breeze through it, now I was hitting sour notes, every time I
got to the middle of the piece.  It was starting to piss me off, I wanted
to get back to normal, I wanted to put this all behind me and yet I
couldn't even play my fucking piano anymore.  Three days after my aborted
sexual encounter with Ian, I sat at the piano and I was determined to get
that song right.  I played it over and over again, for hours.  Mom tried to
get me to stop, I think she was getting tired of hearing it, but I
couldn't, I was so driven to get it right.  After about the fiftieth time,
I slammed my hands down on the keys and swore.

"GOD DAMN IT!" I exclaimed.

Then I felt soft, yet strong hands on my shoulders, I didn't need to turn
around to know it was Ian.

"I didn't hear you knock."

"I came in through the kitchen, your mom saw my through the window, didn't
have to knock," he explained, "she asked me to look after you while she ran
to the store."

"I don't need a babysitter," I grumped.

"I know, big boy," Ian giggled, "but she said you were getting a little
frustrated with this music and I thought, well, now that we're alone, maybe
I could help."

"Uh, how, you can barely play an iPod, let alone a piano," I quipped.

Ian wrapped his arms around me from behind, then kissed me on the neck.

"Put your hands on the keys, smartass," said Ian, "and close your eyes."

"How am I supposed to read the sheet music if I can't see?" I asked.

I heard Ian pick up the loose sheets of paper and toss them over his
shoulder.

"You don't need that crap," said Ian, he was so close to me, I could feel
his breath, hot on my neck.

"But..." I began.

"Shhh, you don't need sheet music Benji, the music is right here," he
whispered and delicately ran his fingers over my heart, "now take a deep
breath and relax."

I sucked in a breath and let it out slowly.

"Ok big boy, play," he instructed.

It was so easy, I was so relaxed, the music just seemed to pour out.  Ian
stayed behind me, kissing and nuzzling my neck, blowing on my ear, he put
me completely at ease and my fingers danced across the keys like a prima
ballerina.  When I'd played the piece to completion, I let out a contented
sigh and opened my eyes.

"Thanks," I whispered.

"You were getting to worked up, you just needed to relax," said Ian, then
he sat next to me on the bench.

I leaned over and kissed his sweet lips.

"I love you," I said, sincerely.

"I know," he smirked, then kissed me back.

We started to make out again, and I began to unbutton his shirt.  I love
his chest, it's so smooth, the muscles so firm.  I ran my hands along his
muscles, sucked his tongue and I was happy, then he reached for the
drawstring in my pajamas.  It started again, thump, thump, thump, thump, my
heart rate started to speed up, faster and faster.  I could feel my body
shaking, feel sweat on my forehead.

"Stop," I said, and pulled back.

"Ok, ok," said Ian, instantly.

"I'm sorry, I can't," I whined.

"It's alright Benji," said Ian, pulling me into a hug.

"No it's not, I want to be with you, I just can't," I cried.

"What's the matter, what's spooking you?" asked Ian, as he rubbed my back.

"My heart, it was just beating so fast," I stated.

"That's ok, so was mine," said Ian.

"Yeah but I started shaking and I'm sweating and I just got so scared," I
explained.

"My poor boy," said Ian, rocking me in his arms, "it's going to be ok
Benji, we don't have to have sex right now, or tomorrow or a week from now,
we'll do it when it feels right to you."

"You deserve someone who can give you everything you want," I whined.

"Hey, don't talk like that, all I want is you and you damn well know it,"
said Ian, sternly, then he kissed the top of my head.

"Thanks for being so patient," I replied and rested my head against his
chest.

I was glad for his patience and restraint.  It wasn't that he didn't want
me, I sensed that he wanted to rip my clothes off and jump me, he's a 16
year old boy, he has his urges, he was just giving me my space.  We still
kissed, a lot in fact, I love making out with him and I could do that
without setting my heart like a ticking time bomb.  I was sad when Ian
left, I slipped out of the family room when my mom wasn't looking and hid
out in my room until dinner.  Mom must have told the rest of the family
that I was having a bad day because when I came down to dinner; Tommy
immediately went to work to cheer me up.

"Benji, you're fired!" Tommy exclaimed.

"Huh?" I asked, taking my seat.

"You slept in and didn't see me off to school today and look what
happened!" said Tommy, as he pushed his seat back and put his feet up on
the table.

He was wearing Converse sneakers, one was red, the other one was blue.

"Um and how is this my fault?" I snickered.

"If you had been at breakfast, you would have said something and I wouldn't
have gone to school with two different shoes!" Tommy exclaimed with a grin.

"What makes you so sure I would have noticed?"

"Because you're gay, you guys are supposed to have good taste in fashion
but you weren't there and now my friends are all calling me Two-Shoes
Keeler," said Tommy.

"You're right, I'm sorry, can you ever forgive me?" I laughed.

"Bah, I'll let it slide this time but it's your last chance, one more time
and I mean it, FIRED!" Tommy giggled.

"Feet off the table, Thomas," said dad, but he was smiling too.

I love my baby brother.  He's such a sweet kid, I knew the shoe thing was
just his way of trying to cheer me up especially because I wouldn't have
said anything if I had seen him that morning.  Tommy' a quirky kid, wearing
two different shoes wasn't the most unusual thing he's ever done.

Four weeks after my surgery I was back in Dr. Stanhope's office and he gave
me a clean bill of health.  He said my body was recovering ahead of
schedule, thanks to my otherwise perfect health prior to the operation.  I
was cleared to go back to school and cleared to start swimming and running
again, though I would have to build back to my usual pace.  Mom and I were
about to leave his office, but I had one more question.

"Dr. Stanhope, can I ask you something?" I said.

"Of course, what can I do for you Benji?"

I was about to blurt it out but then I remembered my mom, sitting in the
chair next to mine.

"Uh, mom, can you give me a minute, please?" I asked.

"Oh, uh, ok," said mom, looking at me suspiciously.

"It's a guy question," I blushed.

"Oh, I understand, I'll be right outside," mom winked.

"So, what seems to be the problem?" asked Dr. Stanhope, after mom left.

"Well, since the surgery, I haven't been able to, uh, you know..." I began.

"Masturbate?" asked Dr. Stanhope, with a grin.

I couldn't meet his gaze, I just nodded my head.

"Don't be embarrassed, it's perfectly normal for boys your age, in fact,
I'd think there was something wrong if you didn't," said Dr. Stanhope.

"It's not just that, see, you remember that blond kid who visited me in the
hospital?" I asked.

"Oh, you mean the pretty one?" Dr. Stanhope grinned at me.

"Uh, yeah, that's him," I blushed.

"Yes, I remember him," said the doctor.

"Well, see, he's my boyfriend and we've tried to, well see, when he touches
me there, uh my heart starts racing and I can hear it beating faster..." I
trailed off.

"I see, you want to know if it's safe for you to have sex," said
Dr. Stanhope.

"Um, yeah."

"Well Benji, the symptoms you described are perfectly normal for a boy in
that state of arousal.  You're heart is sound, your operation was a
complete success, you're cleared to return to normal exercise, that
includes sex," Dr. Stanhope explained.

"So my heart isn't going to explode if Ian makes me cum?" I blurted out,
then blushed when I realized what I said.

"It might feel that way, but I think that's love, not cardiac arrest," the
doctor grinned, "Benji, you're fine, you're healthy, as long as you're
being safe and taking the proper precautions for both you and Ian's sake, I
don't see any physical reason for you to abstain."

"Ok, well, that's good news, thanks doc," I smiled, then joined my mom out
in the car.

"So what was that all about?" asked mom.

"Nothing," I replied.

"Nothing?" she asked.

"Told you, just guy talk," I smiled.

She let it drop there. I think she knew that I needed to have some secrets
of my own. When I got home, I was raring to go, I called Ian straight away,
I wanted him to come over and rip my clothes off, the only problem was, he
wasn't home.  In my excitement I forgot that he was at his grandparents
until Sunday night and that I wouldn't see him until Monday.  At least I
wouldn't have to wait until the afternoon; I'd get to see him at my locker,
first thing in the morning.  I sent him a text message, right away.

BENJI: Hey.

IAN: HI! How did your appointment go?

BENJI: I'll tell you all about it, at school on Monday :).

IAN: YAY! Everyone is going to be so happy to see you.

BENJI: Yeah, I can't wait; I'm kind of excited myself.

IAN: I'll be waiting by your locker.

BENJI: Ok, how are your grandma and grandpa.

IAN: Nagging me for playing with my phone, so good :)

BENJI: Cool, see you Monday.

It was a long weekend, I couldn't wait for Monday.  It's funny, the one
time I was actually eager for a Monday morning and the weekend just seemed
to drag on.  When the day finally arrived, it was like business as usual, a
hectic breakfast with my family, then we drove to school.  I let Brian
drive that morning; I hadn't driven in over a month and thought it would be
better to ease into it.  I had planned to just slip quietly into school and
race to my locker to find Ian, but Brian and Jeremy had other plans.  My
brothers told everyone about my impending return and some of my friends,
cheerleaders, painted a large banner that read "Welcome Back Benji," and
hung it over the main entrance.

A bunch of my friends were gathered there and people clapped and cheered
when I walked up.  I never realized I was so popular before, it was good to
see my friends and it warmed my wounded heart to see home much they cared
about me.  The best part was Ian, his tall form was standing in the back of
the crowd, he was smiling the brightest and clapping the loudest.

"Welcome back Benji," said Erica Harper, a pretty cheerleader I tutored in
history, she kissed me on the cheek.

"Good to see you buddy!" said Matt Johnson, clapping me on the back.

It seemed that everyone wanted to touch me, hug me, shake my hand or pat me
on the back, and let me know how happy they were to see me.  It was a
wonderful feeling and I almost cried, I was so touched.  When the crowd
finally dispersed, I found Ian and we walked to my locker.  Just like any
other morning, he made sure no one was looking, then he kissed me.  This
kiss was a little better than most of our quick morning pecks, he held my
face in his hands and pressed his lips to mine, it was wonderful.

"Can you come over after practice?" I asked.

"Sure, are you going to be there?" he replied.

"Yeah, Dr. Stanhope said I have to take my time and get back to my normal
pace but its ok for me to get back in the pool.  I called Coach Brokaw and
he said he'd be happy to give me a lane to myself while I get back into
shape," I replied.

"Cool, it'll be good to see you there," smiled Ian, "of all the pretty boys
in Speedo's, you're the prettiest one of all."

"And of all the pretty boys in Speedo's, you're the biggest dork of them
all," I giggled, then the bell rang.

"Shit, I wanna kiss you again," Ian smiled, then he just did it.

"Ok lover boy, I have to get to class," I smiled.

"Yeah me too, see you at lunch," said Ian, then he trotted off.

It was a good day, my teachers were happy to see me, my friends made me
feel welcome, even strangers seemed to go out of their way to open doors
and do little things to help me out.  I had lunch with Ian and my friends,
he held my hand under the table and we traded bashful smiles when no one
else was looking.  Things were going great, until I got to the locker room
before practice.

If you look at most swimmers, the good ones who actually put in the effort
to be good at the sport, one thing you'll notice is how beautiful their
bodies are, some of them are even perfect.  I'd always considered myself
part of that club, I wasn't being vain, say what you will about my face,
you're entitled to your opinion, but I worked hard on my body and it was
just as lean and toned as the other boys on my team.  When I got to the
locker room, I hung up my varsity letter jacket and started to untie my
shoes.  I was still a little stiff, I hadn't had much exercise in the last
month and I was taking my time.  I noticed the other guys; they were
stripping, getting naked and putting on their Speedo's.

They were still beautiful, like sculptures, their skin was smooth and clear
and I couldn't help but think of my chest.  It too was smooth and clear,
with a giant canyon of angry red scar tissue down the center.  I started to
get upset, I knew I was being irrational, no one would care about my scar
but to me, standing next to all these other boys; I stood out as the one
who was weak.  I thought I'd gotten over that but evidently I'd just
suppressed it.  I couldn't take it, I didn't want to be around them, I tied
my shoes, grabbed my jacket and headed out the door.  I was the first one
home and when I got there I went straight to my room.  I took off my letter
jacket and threw it in the closet, the varsity W on the chest mocked me, it
was a symbol of what I'd been and reminded me of how diminished I'd become.
I couldn't even cry anymore, I was just angry, angry at my body, angry at
myself for making a big deal out of this mole hill, angry, angry, angry.
In the end I just sat and stared out my window while I fumed.

Ian let himself into the house, I hadn't locked the door behind me when I
came in and I didn't know he was there until he opened my door.  When he
walked in, his hair was damp and he smelled of chlorine.

"Hey, you weren't at practice," said Ian.

"I quit," I replied.

"Quit? But you love the water," said Ian.

"Yeah, well, not anymore," I huffed.

"What's this really about?" Ian demanded, a touch of anger in his voice.

"Don't snap at me," I replied.

"You know what? I am going to snap at you.  I don't know what the problem
is Benji, you say you love me but you keep pushing me away, now you want to
quit a sport I know you love, so yes, I am pissed, I want to know what's
going on, I'm tired of you blocking me out," said Ian.

"You want to know, you really want to know?" I shot back.

"Yes, tell me, I love you, let me help!" said Ian.

I stood up and unbuttoned my shirt, then threw it on the floor; I hesitated
for a moment but then pulled of my undershirt and let it drop from my hand.

"There, get a good look," I snapped.

"What are you showing me?" said Ian, he looked confused.

"Look at my chest; it's going to look like that for the rest of my life!"

"You mean your scar?" said Ian.

"YES MY SCAR!" I exclaimed.

"That's what this is all about!" said Ian.

"You wouldn't understand, you're still perfect and beautiful," I sniffled.

"Honey, come here," said Ian, softening his tone and opening his arms.

I wanted to be mad at him but I couldn't, I let him put his arms around me
and hold me tight.

"It's so ugly," I whimpered against his shoulder.

"Benji, it's not that big a deal, you were sick, you had an operation, so
what?" said Ian.

"I told you that you wouldn't understand, you're perfect."

"I'm hardly perfect," said Ian, "everyone has imperfections, it's just
life.  Is this why you've been acting so weird?"

"It was at first, I was so embarrassed by what happened to me, I thought it
made me weak and that everyone would see how weak I was when they looked at
my scar and knew that my own heart was out to get me," I whined.

"Benji," Ian giggled, "you got an A in biology, I assumed that meant you
knew how it worked."

"What do you mean?"

"You know that what happened to you had nothing to do with being weak, it's
science, for whatever reason your artery clogged, you got an operation and
sure you're recovering but you're fine now," said Ian, "there isn't
anything weak about that."

"Yeah but..." I mumbled, he was making perfect sense, but then, I knew I
was being irrational.

"So this is why you've been reluctant to have sex with me?" said Ian.

"Well, not exactly, see, that first time, when we were kissing and you had
your hand in my pants, my heart started racing and I could hear it just
pounding away, it scared me," I explained.

"Awww, Benji, that happens to me every time we kiss, it's because I love
you and it's exciting," said Ian.

"I know, I talked to Dr. Stanhope about it and he told me it was ok if we
you know, um, got down," I giggled, "that's why I wanted you to come over
after practice but then I was in the locker room and I was looking at
everyone and I started feeling self-conscience about my scar."

"I understand you can't control how you feel, but you do know that's silly,
right?" said Ian.

"Yeah, I guess I do," I admitted.

"It's going to take time for you to get over that, it's only been a month,
you're still getting used to it and it's still healing but don't for a
minute think that you're any less beautiful to me," said Ian.

"I know something that would go a long way towards reassuring me," I
grinned and groped Ian through his jeans.

"Is that what you really want?" he asked.

"Uh huh, like I said, I was going to show you after practice, then I just
had this stupid little tantrum," I blushed.

"So you're ok now?" asked Ian.

"Yeah, this is probably going to happen again but if you keep calling me on
my shit, I'll be ok," I smiled, then groped him again, "now can I play with
this?"

Ian giggled and kissed me.  I accepted his tongue in my mouth, then
unbuttoned and unzipped his pants, he kicked off his shoes and shimmied out
of his jeans.  Ian performed the same procedure on me, then we stopped,
just long enough for him to take off his shirt and for the two of us to get
on my bed.  This time I was the aggressor; I straddled Ian and went back to
making out with him while he rubbed my butt.  I slipped my hand between our
bodies then moved it down so I could rub his package.  I love Ian's dick, I
love touching it and feeling it throb in my hand, it's such an intimate
gesture, I know I'm the only person who has ever touched him there and to
me, that's special. Our kissing grew more intense, I moved my hand and Ian
used his to pull me into him, our crotches were grinding together and the
building pressure felt good to both of us.  I felt my heart rate rising,
heard that thumping, but I ignored it, it was just background noise.

I ran my fingers through Ian's short blond hair and kissed him hard, then
broke free of his lips and kissed my way down his body.  I licked every
sculpted abdominal muscle and brushed my lips against the waistband of his
Calvin Klein boxerbriefs.  I ran my lips over his tent poll then nibbled on
the head, I love teasing him like that.

"Benji, please, take it out," Ian whined.

It's so cute when he does that, his sex noises are adorable!

"But this is fun, now I know why Libby likes chew toys so much," I giggled.

"Benji, pretty please?" Ian laughed.

I gave the head of his cock a gentle kiss, then obliged his pleading and
took his underwear off.  He tried to grab me and pull me into his arms but
I dodged him and went straight for the prize.  I sucked him into my mouth
and got reacquainted with my hard little friend.  I wrapped my lips tight
around him, fluttered my tongue over the soft pink head, then took as much
of his 7 inches into my mouth as I could.  Ian panted and moaned and that
just made me suck him harder.  When he squealed out his orgasm, I licked up
his juices, I'd been hungrier for his seed then I thought I was.

Ian was flushed and panting, I kissed him and lay at his side.

"I missed that," said Ian.

"Me too," I giggled.

"Uh, you don't think we're done yet, do you?" Ian grinned wickedly.

"God, I hope not, I'm still hard as a rock," I replied.

Ian pounced on me and practically ripped my underwear off.  He attacked my
dick with kisses around the base, then he swallowed my shaft.  His
beautiful blond head bobbed up and down on me and I knew I couldn't hold
out for long.  I used to be able to lay back and enjoy Ian's blow jobs but
the intensity of his sucking and the fact I hadn't gotten off in weeks,
pushed me over the edge.  When I came, it surprised Ian and some of my
spunk dribbled down his chin.

"Come here," I giggled, then leaned towards Ian, licked up the mess and
kissed his lips.

We lay next to each other, holding each other and Ian stroked my scar.

"It's not so bad you know, in fact, it's kind of special," said Ian.

"Oh yeah?"

"Sure, I mean, it's kind of a beautiful thing, the doctor cut you open,
held your heart in his hands and made you better, this scar is kind of a
reminder of what a miracle it is for me to be holding you right now," said
Ian.

"Tommy said kind of the same thing," I replied.

"He's a smart kid, but I said it better, right?" Ian teased.

"Yes, gorgeous, you said it better," I laughed and kissed him.

"So we're ok now?" asked Ian.

"We never weren't ok, I mean, I never felt any differently about you, I was
just..."

"Being dumb?" Ian grinned.

"Yeah, I guess I was," I grinned back.

We rested there, in each other's arms and I felt happy.  I love Ian more
than anything, I felt bad for how I'd neglected him but at least he
understood, he knew me better than anyone.  I would have laid there with
him for the rest of the day but my mom's honking brought the real world
crashing in.  I grabbed a t-shirt and some track pants and laughed when Ian
tripped while scrambling into his jeans.  He smiled sheepishly, but then we
raced downstairs.

"Oh hi Ian, I didn't know you were here," said mom, when we came into the
kitchen.

"Hi Mrs. Keeler," said Ian, flashing a big smile, mom's a sucker for them
too.

"Are you staying for dinner sweetheart?" she asked.

"Sure, that would be great," said Ian.

"Good, then you can help Benji bring in the groceries," said mom.

"But mom, my heart," I whined.

"Nice try, if the doctor thinks you're well enough to go back to school,
then you're well enough to unload the car, now get a move on," said mom,
giving me a swat on the butt.

"Well, looks like things are back to normal," Ian laughed, as we walked out
to the garage.

I stopped for a second and thought about what that meant.  I've been
through so much in the last month and just like that, everything seems to
be falling back into place.  I know I have a long road to go, I really need
to get over this body image issue I've developed, but, I just had sex with
Ian, if that wasn't a boost to my confidence, I don't know what is. I have
my family, I have my boyfriend and thanks to some really skilled surgeons,
I have my health.  I should probably also be grateful for the pesky tooth
that started this whole mess.  Yes, things are getting back to normal and I
never thought normal could feel so good.

"Yeah, and I couldn't be happier," I smiled.

THE END