Date: Fri, 30 Oct 2009 13:48:45 -0600
From: K_V D <concertoind@gmail.com>
Subject: Under My Skin - 1

This is a work of fiction. All the resemblances are completely accidental.
Don't read it if you are not supposed to. You know the drill. My e-mail is
ConcertoInD@Gmail.com if you want to tell me something (insults, praises,
and whatnot). Thanks!



				 *PART  I*


				   - I -


            I am going to hell, that's for sure. I looked at Alex and
couldn't help myself. God, how can someone be so attractive? Great, now I
used God's name in vain! I could almost smell sulfur right now. I was glad
that I was wearing sunglasses and nobody could see me gawking at Alex. I
almost moaned when I felt an insane desire to run my fingers through his
hair. God Almighty, what is wrong with me?! I have never felt this way
before, it was crazy. My mother always said that lust was a deadly sin for a
reason. She would always look at me, her eyes squinted in suspicion. "You
are thinking something nasty again, aren't you?" she would demand and I
would say no but she would make me pray anyway. "I can't believe this", she
would say. "My only child is corrupted by the Devil! How could this happen?"

   I don't know how this could happen. I prayed until my head started to
hurt last night but it didn't help me a single bit. The minute I saw Alex
again, I wanted him so badly that I almost started crying. My father once
said that the temptations start early in life, when the soul is still young
and unprepared for the life journey. "You have to fight the temptations all
the time", he said. "Because if you slip once, your soul will be corrupted
and nothing will be able to fix it." I sighed. I wasn't even sure that I was
consumed by lust. I didn't want to rip his clothes off or anything like
that. Well, actually it would be great... No! Stop it!! I just wanted to hold
him in my arms, smell his skin, and run my fingers through his hair. God, I
would sell my soul to feel his lips on mine.

   I blinked. What?! Sell my soul... Oh Lord, forgive me, please... I am so
lost right now, please help me find the way... I don't want this to happen
to me, I don't want to go to hell. I will do anything to be able to be good
again, I swear!

   Alex said something to Jeff and they both laughed loudly. I gritted my
teeth, the sound of his laughter driving me crazy. I forced myself to look
away from him and tried to concentrate on my first class this morning which
was Political Science. I started thinking of my assignments when someone
poked me in the side. I turned around. It was Christy.

"Hey", she said.

"Hey", I muttered.

"Could I take a look at your homework, pretty please?" she smiled pleadingly
and I sighed.

"Sure", I started digging in my backpack.

"Thank you so much!" she said quickly and grabbed my notebook out of my
hands. "I promise, this is the last time!"

"Uh huh", I said, thinking that it was probably the last time today. Christy
never finished her homework.

"What's up with you?" she asked finally and shot me a curious look. "You
look weird."

"Nothing", I shook my head. "I am just preoccupied with all my assignments...
And I am kinda tired."

"I see", she nodded and handed my notebook back. "Okay, let's go, Jake."

"Let's go", I sighed and pushed all the thoughts of Alex out of my head.



   That entire day I felt like beating my head on the wall. I couldn't
concentrate on anything and I was really grateful that we didn't have any
quizzes or tests that day. When I was slowly walking home, Christy walked
with me and she chattered nonstop. At first I was listening to her but after
she started saying how much she loved George Clooney, I tuned her out. I
started thinking of how on earth this could be happening to me. I never was
really into girls but I figured it was because my parents would constantly
tell me that the very nature of a woman is sinful to the core. "You are a
woman", I said to my mother once and she pressed her lips tight. "It's my
punishment", she said. "It's something I have to suffer through for my
entire life. I pray every day for redemption..."

      I snorted quietly to myself. Praying every day... It seemed like she was
praying every five minutes. Lately I have been having these strange powerful
thoughts that made me cringe. I found that it was harder and harder for me
to live my life the way my parents demanded. When I was a kid, it didn't
seem like a big deal. It seemed completely normal to me to go to church
almost every night with my mother, to pray at least ten times a day, to beg
for forgiveness and redemption every time I would do - or think for that
matter - something even remotely sinful, as for example, eating an entire
box of chocolates. I did that once. I think I was seven or maybe eight years
old. I found a box of chocolates in the kitchen and before I could even
think, I ate all of them. When my mother found out, she was furious. She
grabbed me by the hair and slammed my head into the stove so hard that it
almost knocked my teeth out.

"You... Never... Overindulge... On... Anything!..." she almost screamed. "This is
gluttony, Jake!! Do you want to end up in hell?!"

"No", I sobbed. "No, please! I swear, I won't ever..."

"That's right", she said and slapped my face hard. "You will not! Now go get
on your knees and pray for forgiveness for the next two hours!!"

   The memory made me hiss. Christy looked at me with surprise.

"You okay?" she asked.

"I have a headache", I muttered and I didn't even care that I lied. One sin
more, one less... Since I am going to hell anyway, it didn't matter.

"Well, we are almost home", she said cheerfully. "Wanna come over tonight?"

   Christy and I have been best friends since kindergarten. My parents were
angry with me at first that I was friends with a girl but eventually they
decided that Christy is okay even though she was a lost sinful cause to the
core. They said that maybe I am her chance for redemption and that I should
teach her the right way. I agreed to that, thinking that if this will help
me keep my best friend, I would quote the entire Bible. We never talked
about religion with Christy though. She could care less about praying, her
family would never go to church on Sundays since they liked to sleep in, and
Christy was honestly thinking that there should be some sort of Cliff notes
for the Bible. "I mean", I remembered her saying once. "I tried to read it
but I could never go pass the first two pages... That book is incredibly
boring!"

"Sure", I said, thinking that if I had to spend the entire night with my
parents tonight, I would go insane.

"Cool", she nodded. "See you around seven or so?"

"Okay", I said and she walked away.

   We lived next door to each other which was really convenient because I
could sneak into her back yard almost every night when my parents were
asleep. Christy and I would just sit on her back porch and talk about
everything. She would tell me about her countless crushes and how she would
totally trade places with some celebrity. Christy had a new crush every
week. She fell in and out of love easier and faster than I could write a
three pages paper. I liked her a lot, she was the only person I could tell
everything and she would never ridicule me. I thought that maybe tonight
I'll tell her how I feel about Alex but then I immediately pushed the
thought away. Nobody will *ever* find out how I feel about Alex. Not even
Christy.



   I walked into my house and my mother immediately pressed her lips tight.

"What is it?" she demanded.

"What?" I asked and took my sneakers off.

"Something is on your mind", she said. "I can tell."

   I shrugged.

"Homework", I said lightly. "Loads of it."

"Okay", she said finally, her eyes still alerted.

"I'm gonna go upstairs, okay?"

"Come down at six", she said. "Dinner will be ready."

"Okay", I nodded and started to walk upstairs. "Hey, I am going to go over
to Christy's after dinner, is that okay?"

"At night?" her entire body went rigid. "Are you out of your mind, Jake? You
are going over to her house at night? Are you begging the Devil to accept
you or something?"

   I managed not to roll my eyes. Was she always this annoying or is it just
started?

"Her parents will be there, mom", I said. "And her older brother too. Plus
it's Christy! I went to her place after seven a bunch of times before!"

"You were a child then", she said tightly. "And now you are getting older
and you seem to forget that your body is made for sin..."

   I had a very strong desire to scream "Shut up!!!" but I didn't.

"I didn't forget", I sighed. "I promise that I won't even think anything
funny, okay?"

   That was true. I would never think anything funny about Christy or any
other girl for that matter.

"This whole matter is not funny", my mother said evenly.

"You know what I meant", I briefly closed my eyes, wondering why all of a
sudden I felt a rush of anger.

"Fine", she said finally. "Go do your homework now."

"All right", I said relieved that I could finally go into my room and shut
the door.



   I knew I had to pray but to my own astonishment I decided not to. I
figured that since I was a lost cause already and God clearly has given up
on me, praying wouldn't do much. I mean, if God hasn't given up on me, then
why would I feel this way about a guy, right? So I just pulled my books out
of my backpack and started doing my homework. I was done a couple of hours
later and glanced at the clock. It was almost five thirty and I sighed,
thinking that I will have to go downstairs in half an hour and wait for my
father to say another one of his unbelievably long graces before dinner.

   I couldn't believe myself. It seemed like something snapped in me today
and I was a completely different person from the one that I was even last
night. I've heard my father's truck pulling into the driveway and sighed. It
was exactly five thirty. My father was always home at five thirty sharp. You
could set the clock by that man. I shivered when I remember him breaking the
clock on my head one day when I was thirteen. I woke up from extremely vivid
dream that night and couldn't figure out what was happening to me. It was
really bizarre and my entire body was shaking. I couldn't believe the
intense pleasure that shot through me in a blinding flash. I was fast asleep
soon after that and almost forgot about the whole thing until my father
walked into my bedroom in the morning.

   My door never had a lock on it since my parents firmly believed that
privacy is the tool of the Devil and they would often walk into my bedroom
suddenly, just to make sure that I wasn't corrupting my soul with something
nasty. My father pulled the blanket off of me and I opened my eyes.

"What did you do?" he asked me quietly, his eye staring at me with horror.

   I blinked with confusion. I had no idea what he was talking about.

"You filthy little bastard", he hissed and I followed his gaze.

   I winced when I saw a dark spot on the crotch of my pajamas and another
one on my sheets. Suddenly I remembered last night.

"I don't know", I said quickly. "Dad, I swear! I woke up last night and..."

"Stop saying lies!" he barked. "Get up! Get up right now, you disgusting
little worm!"

   I got off the bed, my knees shaking. My father turned away from me as if
merely looking at me was making him sick. He almost walked away when the
clock on my wall chimed softly. It was one of those mechanical clocks that
would chime gently every hour, I loved that thing. My father froze on the
spot and then suddenly he ripped the clock off the wall and turned towards
me.

"This", he hissed. "This is how the souls get tricked into the evil grasp!"

"What..." I said weakly.

   He shook the clock furiously.

"Material possessions", he hissed.

"Dad, I..."

   He swung his arm and brought the clock down on my head. The clock whined
and I've heard the sound of breaking glass. A sharp piece of glass pierced
the skin on my head and I cried out in pain.

"Filth..." my father muttered, his voice shaking with fury. "If I will catch
you doing something this nasty again, I will..."

   I was almost sure he'll say "I will kill you myself" but he never did.
Apparently he remembered that murder was a sin as well. He simply turned
away from me and left. I remember how later that day I carefully asked
Christy if she knew what was that strange thing that I experienced the night
before and she laughed. "Oh, Jake", she said. "You had a wet dream, that's
all." Then she told me about wet dreams and I just blinked at her. "How come
*you* know so much about it?" I asked and she rolled her eyes. "Jake", she
said patiently. "I read a lot about sex and stuff... Plus", she added with a
sly smile. "Girls have wet dreams too, you know..."

 I sighed and walked downstairs, thinking that I would rather do more
homework than have dinner with my parents.