Date: Sun, 22 Jan 2017 09:03:36 +0000 (UTC)
From: doncornelius69@yahoo.com
Subject: We Will Remember Them Chapter 11

This story is a work of fiction. None of the characters are real and any
similarities between this story and/or any characters in it and real life
is purely coincidental.

THIS STORY CONTAINS GRAPHIC DEPICTIONS OF CONSENSUAL SEXUAL ACTS BETWEEN
TEENAGE MALES. IT IS INTENDED FOR A MATURE AUDIENCE ONLY! IF YOU FIND THIS
TYPE OF MATERIAL OFFENSIVE, OR IF YOU ARE UNDER 18, OR UNDER THE LEGAL AGE
TO VIEW SUCH MATERIAL THEN PLEASE READ NO FURTHER.

The author retains the copyright, and any other rights, to this original
story.  You may not publish it or any part of it without explicit
authorization from me.

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Authors note: I just wanted to thank all of you who have written me about
the series. It means a lot to get any feedback, positive or negative, and I
wanted you to know I appreciate it.

There have been some questions about the possibility that some of this is
autobiographical. I can assure you, it isn't. This is purely a work of
fiction.

By the end of April, Ouichita Baseball was having a very good season, at
every level. Varsity wasn't saved by my arrival because they didn't need
saving, but I was having an impact which made me particularly proud. Of
course, having Ben, Andrew, and Alan all telling me I was doing well didn't
hurt.

Kurt and I had also been dating for almost two months and it had been
amazing.

Guess which one I was happier about?

If you guessed baseball, you'd be right. Don't get me wrong, I had fallen
hard for Kurt. I mean, he knew exactly what to do and when to do it. He
knew when he needed to aggressive with me and when to leave me alone. And
his kissing was just amazing. However, I'd worked hard for varsity and I
loved baseball. Playing was just pure joy for me, the only time I wasn't
bothered by anxiety or, well, anything.

One thing I was beginning to understand in a personal way was how Josh and
Lane felt about each other. I'd always known they loved one another
unconditionally, but I never really understood what it meant until I
realized I felt almost the same way about Kurt. My only concern was whether
or not he felt that way about me. While I knew he liked me a lot, I was
pretty certain we were very mismatched in terms of our feelings for each
other. What Christopher had gone through with me, I was now going through
with Kurt. At the time, that wasn't entirely clear, but in hindsight it was
blindingly obvious.

Neil and my mother had strung out and delayed the suit for months at this
point. Mother's lawyer was a demon when it came to timing and
procedure. Even still, at some point depositions were scheduled and the
decision was made to depose Cat and me. Mothers lawyer fought it tooth and
nail but ultimately it was decided that it would be best to have that done
and compare with the interviews the judge had decided to have as part of
the proceedings.

Cat and I were pretty ambivalent about it. We'd even gone so far as to
suggest that it be done on certain Saturdays so as not to interfere with
school or with our extracurricular activities. The fact that those
Saturdays also happened to be the weekends we were already going to be with
my father was, of course, purely coincidental.

Our suggestion was also completely ignored. The first one, mine, was set
for the third Tuesday in May. It wasn't a game day, but it was a practice
day and while my coaches may not have been too put out about it, I was. I
asked mother to drive me over after school and I walked into one of the
conference rooms at my fathers office only to find that he wasn't there. I
immediately turned around, went up to his office, and told his secretary to
tell him that he was needed in the conference room and that it was an
emergency. I went back down to the conference room on the first floor,
walked in, and sat down next to my mothers attorney, Mr. Daniels.

"Rob, I know this is really inconvenient, but thank you for doing this
today. The man at the end of the table is the court reporter and the man
sitting across from us is you father's attorney, Mr. Gresham. He's going to
ask you some questions and then I'll ask you some questions. We should be
done fairly quickly."

I just sat, smiled, and did nothing else. Gresham then spoke up, "Rob, I
just have a few questions for you..." and he stopped as I raised my
hand. "Yes, do you have a question?" he asked.

"No sir, I was just going to tell you that I won't be speaking until my
father is present."

Mr. Daniels said, ''Well, Rob, this is a situation in which we really don't
want either of your parents present because what we're trying to do is
ascertain what would be best for you. If either of them are here, it could
have an impact on your statements."

"Mr. Daniels, I don't lie to my parents. I have absolutely no problem
giving a truthful answer to any questions in their presence."

Daniels looked at me for a second and I winked at him. He started to open
his mouth, then said nothing. He sat back in his chair with this puzzled
smirk on his face and we waited for my father to show up. About 15 minutes
later, he stormed through the door asking what the hell was wrong.

Gresham told him that I had refused to speak until he was present. At that
point he turned to look at me and, clearly angry, said, "Rob, I'm not
supposed to be here for this. It might taint your answers."

I cleared my throat, "Daddy, have you ever known me to lie to you about
anything?"

He thought for a second, then his shoulders slumped and he responded, "No."

"Well, I have no intention to start now. I gave you a number of days that
wouldn't interfere with school or baseball and you set this up, I believe,
intentionally to cause me to miss practice. As a result, I want you here to
see what I have to say."

My father's face turned very dark, "Listen up, son. You don't tell me what
to do ever. I am your father and if I need you somewhere, you will be there
even if Christ himself is trying to rapture you to heaven. Your concerns
are not mine."

I just looked down at the court reporter and asked, "Did you get all that?"
then back at my father, "You do whatever you want to me. I am not answering
any questions from either of these people without you sitting in a chair at
this table."

At that point, Gresham stood and quickly walked over to my father, pulling
him out of the conference room. Daniels turned to me and winked. Two
minutes later, they came back in and my father sat next to Gresham.

Gresham began with perfunctory questioning, like asking my name, and then
moved on to the fun stuff.

"Did your mother know that Josh Hastings was a homosexual prior to her
engagement to Neil Hastings? ... Did you know Josh Hastings was a
homosexual prior to beginning of the relationship between your mother and
Neil Hastings?... Have you and Josh Hastings ever discussed homosexuality
with each other?.." and on and on it went.

With each response I glared at my father and if I had to put my finger on
the first time I genuinely lost respect for the man, that would be it. That
day I no longer saw my father as larger than life, I saw him as someone
intent on getting their way, not matter the damage they may cause. For him,
this wasn't about what was best for me... deep down, it was about hurting
mother.

After about 30 minutes he stopped even meeting my eyes and instead looked
at his phone or, really, anything in the room other than me. The
inquisition or, I should say imposition, continued for another half hour
before I'd finally had enough. We broke and Daniels walked with me outside
and we talked a bit. He said I appeared to have a long career ahead of me
as a hostile witness to which I replied this was a one off, driven by how
irritated I was with my father.

After he left, I sat on a bench and waited for my father to come out so he
could drive me home as had been previously agreed. When he finally came
out, I just got up and walked with him to his car without saying a word. I
honestly didn't want to talk to him and was hoping against hope he didn't
want to talk to me.

He asked if I wanted to go get some ice cream before he took me back to
'your mothers'. I told him I'd absolutely love to go get some ice cream. My
thinking was simple... ice cream is always good, even when you're forced to
enjoy it with someone you'd rather not be around.

We ended up sitting at a table at Baskin Robbins after he said hello to
some people he knew and whom I didn't. When we finally sat down, he asked,
"How angry are you with me, on a scale of 1-10?"

I put another spoonful of ice cream in my mouth thinking about my answer. I
looked him right in the eye and responded, "15".

And he actually rolled his eyes.

"Lookit, I still love you, but you make me miss practice for this garbage,
and don't kid yourself it's garbage, and then expect me to not be angry
about it? Just on the suit I'm at about a 12. And ice cream isn't going to
magically fix it." I took another bite and continued, "I don't think you
understand that this is one of those situations where even victory is going
to be Pyrrhic. The best case, honestly, is you losing but you don't see it
that way because you're so wrapped up in the need to win."

That really made him angry, "I didn't raise my son to talk to me that
way..."

"YES, you did. You raised me exactly to speak this way. You asked a
question, I'm answering it truthfully. Don't even try to act like I'm being
disrespectful when the real issue is that you really don't want to hear
what I have to say. Further, if there's any disrespect, it's clearly coming
from you and directed squarely at Cat and me. And we're acutely aware."

"Do you mean you really don't want to live with me?" he asked.

Ah, the guilt. My grandmother was a real master and he'd picked up much
from her. However, I was having none of it.

"I did. Before you decided to divorce mother. You've been pretty carefree
and able to live as you'd like, dealing with us only when it was
convenient. Don't think we haven't noticed, you're extremely obvious about
it. Have you thought about what winning this is going to do to your life? I
mean, you clearly don't care what it'll do to Cat and me, but have you
thought about what it will do to you?"

"That, I think, is quite enough. You have no idea what you're talking
about..."

I laughed, interrupting him, "I know you're not a bigot and I know you
believe me when I say I knew I was gay a year before Josh moved here. I
know you don't really think Josh is going to have any impact on my decision
making. I know you want to get at mother for getting married so soon and
Cat and I get to be the instrument of your vengeance."

He got up, "Come on. I'm taking you back to your mothers."

I just smiled, "OK."

The drive out was, mercifully, conversation free. When we got to the house,
I started to get out and he said, "Whether you believe me or not, I'm doing
this for you and sister. One day you'll understand."

I smiled back at him, "I love you and I do understand that you think you're
doing this for us. But I know, deep down, you're not. You can get as mad at
me as you'd like, but it won't change that." And I shut the door walked to
the house as he drove off. I ended up ditching my stuff in my room and
taking Henry for a long walk. Neil had asked how it went and I just looked
at him and said, "I'd really rather not relive it quite yet."

Henry and I walked from the house to the lake, about a quarter of a mile. I
could tell Henry was picking up on my mood and was hewing as closely to me
as possible, almost as if he'd like to merge with me. When we got to the
lake, we walked around it to the south and I took a moment to sit down and
try to clear my head. I even found a stick and threw it into the lake for
Henry to retrieve, but he instead came up and sat as closely to me as he
could. I reached around him and gave him a squeeze and it helped release
some of the tension. Of course, so did having him lick my face.

We spent about and hour by the lake before going back up to the house after
I looked at my phone to see texts from my mother, Josh, Cat, and
Neil. Knowing they were worried put some weight on my shoulders, as did the
knowledge that I was about to relive the afternoon.

I really hated this shit. There was just no other way to put it. I hated it
down to my bones, not only because of what it was doing to my head, but for
what it was doing to my family. Mother was hardest hit, and that had a
massive effect on Neil. Josh saw that and knew what it was doing to me and
that made him angry. Cat was pissed at the stupidity of it all, not to
mention that it made me sullen and she hated that. All in all, my father's
stunt was spilling over to our lives in ways I'd like to think he'd never
considered, but I knew on some level it had been a primary consideration in
his decision to move forward with the suit.

As I hit the door to the house, I paused for a moment, sucked in a deep
breath, and walked in. Neil and mother were in the kitchen working on
dinner and I came in and sat down at the table there. Henry opted to hang
closer to them, waiting for something to be dropped on the floor, along
with Maisy. I had to admit the floors, especially in the kitchen,
breakfast, and dining rooms were much cleaner with dogs than without.

Mother started to ask about the deposition, but I asked her to leave it
until dinner so I could fill everyone in at the same time. I'd already
decided not to get into specifics about the questions as it would just
increase the rage Josh already felt. I sat there talking to them about
school and baseball stuff, until I got a text from Kurt. I excused myself
and went back out to the patio to call him.

"Hey babe, how was practice?" he asked when he answered.

I sighed, "I'm sure it was ok, but I wasn't there. I was at that
deposition, remember?"

"Oh, yeah. Sorry, completely forgot about that. How'd it go?" Yes, the love
of my life who never seemed to be bothered remembering little details. Or
the big ones.

"It went as well as could be expected, I guess," I replied.

"What are you wearing?" he asked.

"Come on, Kurt... the same thing I had on at school."

"Well, you looked sexy in those shorts. You want to get out of the house
later on?" he asked with his 'I'm really horny and need to fuck the hell
out of you' voice.

I'd already explained how much this whole thing was effecting me. He'd
seemed to understand and every time I brought it up, he made it sound like
his requests were intended solely to get my mind off it. At this point,
despite the fact that he actually was pretty decent in bed (even if he did
fuck sometimes like he was trying to jackhammer something out of my butt),
I was realizing that it was bullshit.

"So I can be a hole for you to use to get off? Nah, I think I'll pass."I
paused for a second. "Look, I've got to go have dinner and relive this
afternoon."

I listened for a second and realized the line was already dead. I looked at
my phone and saw that I had full service. Son of a bitch, I said to myself
as I put my phone back in my pocket. I walked back into the house and found
Josh and Lane sitting at the table nibbling on crackers.

I just looked at them sitting together and smiled sadly at them.

Josh noticed it immediately and mouthed 'Kurt?' at me and I nodded my head,
which prompted an eyeroll from him. He didn't like Kurt at all. Neither did
Cat. Lane, being more like me, was willing to deal with it which forced
Josh to at least try to be nice when we were all together. Cat was having
none of that.

I sat down at the table and grabbed a cracker off the plate. Mother
pointedly told us not to eat too many since dinner would be ready in 20
minutes, so I ended up feeding half of it to Henry who was only too happy
to take it.

My phone vibrated so I pulled it out and saw a text from Kurt.

"Sorry, my connection died. Want me to pick you up later?"

I quickly typed out, "No, I'm still pretty bummed about this
afternoon. We're about to have dinner. I'll call you later."

All I got back from him was "K xoxoxo".

Dinner was far better than I expected. Fortunately no one begged for too
many details about the deposition regarding the actual questions. Cat eyed
me a couple of times as she knew I was omitting certain pieces for the
audience which she thought was stupid. But, as I later explained to her,
what good is it going to do to agitate Josh?

After dinner, I went to my room to do my homework. About nine Cat looked in
and asked if I was busy.  I told her no and she came in and sat next to
Henry on the bed. For some reason the dog really loved her which amused the
hell out of me since she didn't particularly care for him.

"So, you want to fill me in on the parts you left out at dinner?" she
asked.

"Not really, but I will," I replied, rubbing my tired eyes. For the next 10
minutes I walked her through the questions. "Seriously, the most important
thing is to make sure that it comes across just how calm and stable
everything is here. I didn't get into Daddy leaving us with sitters but
mother's lawyer knows about it. He didn't bring it up with me, he might
with you."

"OK, I think I know how to play it." she said, smirking.

"Cat, seriously, don't play it. Just be honest. I know you're angry as
hell, but just tell the straight up truth."

The smile didn't leave her face, "Of course! Now, I need to tell you
something."

I took a deep breath, "OK, what?"

"I think it's time you end this thing with Kurt. No one likes him and I
don't just mean with you. Even Henry thinks he's a piece of shit. He's
flippant, glib, and disrespectful toward you. So, don't you think it's time
to say goodbye?" she finished, seemingly all in one breath.

I sat there, stunned. The key part, what she completely missed, was that I
was in love with him. As much as he frustrated me at times, I loved being
in his arms. I loved hearing his voice. I loved looking into his eyes when
he smiled and I especially love the way his brown eyes shined when he was
really happy, warm and inviting. I loved sex with him... he may not have
been as smooth as Bruce, but it was nice and I sometimes got off without
having to touch myself.

On every other point, she was absolutely correct. And I didn't want to do
anything about it. I didn't even want to see it.

"Cat, I love you, but this is my life and you're going to have to back
off. Whether you get it or not, I really love him..."

"And he knows that,"she interrupted, "and takes advantage of that. Over and
over again. Rob, come on, you have to be able to see this."

"Please leave right now, Cat. I don't want to discuss this any more." I
replied.

She got up and stopped at the door before opening it, looking back at me.

"You need to know and understand there are a bunch of people who know and
love you, and they're furious about this relationship of yours, especially
what it's doing to you. We will not let him hurt you, we just won't." She
then opened the door, walked through it, and closed it behind her.

I sat there for a second, churning over what she'd said. I can remember
thinking she was wrong, that she and Josh had completely misread Kurt. He
wasn't a dick, he was just forgetful at times. I know he cares for me, he's
just sort of oblivious to things often.

Of course, I was making excuses. He was gorgeous and being with him made me
feel good about myself. I didn't want to it to end, I couldn't. Moreover, I
couldn't accept that everyone was right and I was wrong. I just felt a need
for this to work out and I was determined to do whatever it took to make
that happen.

By this point, I'd already seen enough to doubt Kurt but it wasn't until
Thursday that doubt ballooned. Still, I didn't run instantly, instead I
tried to wait it out.

That weekend was regional quarterfinals so we were practicing, getting
ready for what was likely to be our toughest game. We honestly expected to
do well, but we didn't expect to win. We were pretty well finished with
practice, I think it was about 5, maybe 515, and I saw my mother's car in
the parking lot. Now, this is one of those things about my mother... she's
always on time or a little late. She is never, ever, early unless someone
has tricked her. I'd told her we'd go late so I probably wouldn't be done
until 530 or so. Seeing her out there made me think immediately something
was up. She got out of her car and walked to the short fence, waiving at
me. I waived back and as Coach pulled us off the field, I ran over to her
to see what was up.

I got about five feet from her when I realized she had that look on her
face that something was desperately wrong.

"What happened to Cat?" I asked, assuming the worst.

She glanced over my shoulder, then back at me, "Sweety, it's not Cat, it's
Lane. He passed out during band practice and they couldn't revive him. Go
on and finish up, just hurry so we can get out to the hospital."

"Yes ma'am, I will." I responded, pretty much like someone had just kicked
the wind out of me.

I ran back over to where the team was standing, drinking Gatorade and
water. Alan was the one who caught my eye first with a questioning look. I
walked over to him and told him Lane was in the hospital and that I didn't
know any more.

Redmond gave us a quick rundown on practice and then let us go. I raced
inside to clean up and get dressed. I didn't know what was going to happen
to him and, as I pulled off my cleats, I just sat there thinking about what
could have happened. It absolutely terrified me. I can't explain the
feeling, but I was petrified with fear. I wasn't scared for Josh or even
Lane's mom, Tessa. I was terrified for what was happening to Lane.

Alan was the one who shook me out of myself.

"Come on, Rob. We gotta go."

I looked up at him, tears in my eyes, "I know. I'm sorry, I'm just scared."

Alan's veneer of toughness dissolved like sugar in hot coffee. "I know man,
me too. Just get cleaned up and let's get out there."

Ben walked by about that time and asked Alan what was going on. He just
told him something was up with Lane and that we needed to get out of there
quick.

"Man, I'm sorry... if there's anything I can do, just call me."

It was like a light went off in Alan's head and shortly thereafter in
mine. Neither of us had thought to check our phones. Alan's was filled with
texts from his mom, his aunt, and Josh. Mine was filled with texts from
Josh and my mother. I glanced down and replied to Josh's last...

"Don't worry, bro... we're on our way."

At that point I went on autopilot. I stripped down, took a shower, dressed
and was out the door in about 10 minutes. For me, it was record time. Alan
was right behind me and I told him I'd see him out there as I jumped into
my mother's car.

My mother was never one for driving slow, but she usually kept it
relatively sane. Today, she wasn't at all worried about that as she weaved
in and out of traffic. Everyone was in the ICU lounge so we ran there as
fast as we could after skidding to a stop in the parking lot. Mother made a
beeline for Lane's mom and Mrs. Saunders. Lane's mom had obviously been
crying and it made me tear up a bit. Then I turned and saw Josh.

He was sitting with his head turned, looking out the window, slumped down
in the chair. Neil was sitting next to him and nudged him, causing him to
look up. When he saw me, his face contorted into a mixture of pain and
sadness as he got up and walked over to hug me. As I held him, I kept
saying it's going to be OK. Everything will be fine. Lane isn't going to
leave you.

I don't know how long we were standing there, but at some point Alan came
in and my mother came over to hug Josh and I together.

No one knew anything at that point, other than that it had been a hot day
and he'd collapsed during band practice. One of his band mates, who was
there, said it was as if someone had cut his strings and he just
collapsed. Mr. Abernathy had immediately called the ambulance and while he
was waiting for them, had some of the kids get him out of the sun and
others ran to get ice out of the machine in the band hall in plastic
bags. They tried putting it under his arms and around his groin, but it
didn't have any effect. Thankfully, it wasn't that long until the
paramedics arrived and transported him to the hospital.

We sat there for about twenty minutes and I decided to find a vending
machine. I asked anyone if they wanted anything. Josh never responded so as
I was walking out, I knelt in front of where he was sitting and when his
eyes focused on me, I asked if he wanted anything. He just smiled, weakly,
as another tear ran down his cheek and replied, "Lane."

It was all I could do not to lose it. I just stood up, patted him on the
shoulder, and went to find sodas. The memory of going to see Charlie's
grandmother in the hospital after he died was top of mind and I knew I
needed to keep it together for everyone else there.

While I was looking for a vending machine I got a call from Kurt.

"Hey,"I said, answering the call.

"What's up?"

"I'm at the hospital. Lane collapsed at band practice and he's in ICU. Josh
is a complete mess..."

"Yeah, he looked like he was going to go crazy when he heard. Edwards
didn't even try to stop him when he walked off the field during practice."

"I can imagine. So, I'm here waiting for news."

Kurt cleared his throat and is a breathy voice said, "Want me to come bust
you out?"

"Are you kidding?"

"No. I'm horny as hell and I can't imagine how boring it has to be sitting
there."

I put the phone to my side and stared up at the ceiling, taking a deep
breath before raising it back to my face. "No. Dude, my brothers boyfriend,
one of my best friends, is unresponsive in the ICU and you want me to leave
so we can fuck?"

He laughed (no joke, he actually laughed), "Well, when you put it that way
it makes me sound like such an asshole."

"That's because you're being one. Right now. I'm going. I'll call you
later." and I hung up the phone. My head was swimming and all I wanted was
a soda. I was standing in the middle of the hall when Willy showed up
behind me and asked what was wrong.

I just turned, and looked at him, then looked at my phone and said, "Kurt."
I could see the anger flash in his eyes and his whole body seemed to tense
up as his right fist curled into a ball.

"What the hell did he do?" he asked through gritted teeth.

"Nothing, just a bad conversation." I replied.

He just glared at me, "He upset you about something, what is it?"

I looked around, then told him, "If I tell you this you have to promise
you'll keep your mouth shut until I know how I want to handle it. Deal?"

"Deal."

And I told him about the conversation. To that point, I'd only seen Willy
really angry a few times. This was a new level entirely, fed as much by
what Kurt had done as by how much Willy disliked him anyway.

"I told you that motherfucker was bad news." He said.

I sighed, leaning back against the wall, "I know. Everyone has been quite
clear on that, but I think I needed to see for myself. I just don't know
what I'm going to do yet, but I know I don't want to make a thing out of
this while Lane is here. Just please, don't do anything, OK?"

He ran his hand through his hair, then looked me in the eye, "I told you I
wouldn't until you knew what you wanted to do. But Rob, promise you will
deal with this."

I just nodded my head, "Come on, help me get some drinks for everyone."

When we got back to the waiting room, the doctor was there. He was speaking
as we walked up.

"... the collapse was likely heat stroke combined with dehydration. We've
got him stable at this point, but we want to keep him overnight to make
sure there's no damage to his kidneys. We're going to keep him sedated
because what he needs right now is some rest and time to heal."

Josh was standing next to Tessa, his arm around her. She started to say
something, but could only manage a few choked up words before looking at
Josh.

For his part, he looked strong as he spoke, "Thank you for everything
you're doing to help him. Can we go see him?" The WE clearly meant his
mother and Josh.

"Absolutely," the doctor responded. "It'll help him to know there are
people here worried about him. I really want to stress, this was extremely
serious but he's going to recover. It's just going to take some time. I'll
take you down right now if you're ready."

Josh looked over at our parents, "I'm going to stay here tonight with
Lane's mom." It was a statement, not a request, and neither of them argued.

I asked if I could stay a bit longer and they agreed after Alan said he
would give me a ride home.

I walked over to Josh and Tessa, "We'll wait here for a while to give you
guys some time with him alone." Josh just smiled back and said "Thank you"
and grabbed me into a hug.

I walked my parents out and they both told me to keep an eye on Josh until
I left. I knew what they meant. This had been eye opening for them in a
significant way... what I'd seen almost two years before, they were really
seeing for the first time. Josh was absolutely in love with Lane. He was
being strong and stable but inside, he was a complete mess.

I went to grab something to eat and decided to pick up something for Josh
and Tessa as well. When I walked down to the room, I glanced in and saw
Josh sitting at the side of Lane's bed, holding his hand and weeping. I
cleared my throat and he just looked over at me, not even bothering to hide
how upset he was.

"I brought some food for you and his mom,"I told him.

He stood up, and took it from me, laying it down on the sofa in the
room. "Thanks. She actually went to get us something to eat. She wanted me
to go with her but I just couldn't leave him here by himself." he choked
out as he started to really cry. "Why can't it be me? Why's it got to be
him? I can't handle this, Rob. I just... love him so much, I'd give
anything to trade places with him."

I walked over to him and hugged him again, repeating what I'd told him
earlier, "I know, but what he needs now is you to stay strong for him and
for his mother. It's all going to be fine. He's going to be fine and you
don't need to worry." Words like that sound so good, but in situations like
the one we were in are often completely worthless. Hey, the man you love,
with whom you can't imagine life, is under heavy sedation after collapsing
earlier today, but don't worry I'm sure everything will come out right as
rain! But, seriously, what the hell else do you say in that kind of
situation that doesn't sound trite and cliched?

I waited with him until Tessa came back and then gave her a hug as well. I
told them I'd be in the lounge if they needed anything and asked if it
would be OK to send some people back. They both said yes, so I walked back
only to find a crowd in the lounge, made up almost entirely of friends from
school. Most of the guys who played football or baseball knew Josh and Alan
so they were there and a large number of Lane's fellow band members had
shown up. So, I told them all they could go back two at a time and to
please not take too long.

"Josh and Lane's mom are sick with worry so please, just let them know
you're thinking about them and come on back so the next two can go."

I noticed Mrs. Saunders, who was sitting with Alan, look at me with a
smile. I went over and sat with them and Willy when I was done and she
said, "Thank you" and I just smiled back at her and nodded.

By 830 everyone had cleared out, so we decided to go down before we
left. Alan gave Willy and I a lift home, dropping Willy off first which
gave us a chance to talk.

"I never really knew how much he loved him until today," Alan said. He
glanced over at me, then back at the road and continued, "But you
did. Didn't you?"

I just sat there in the seat, my normally decent posture gone all to
hell. "Yeah, I saw it two years ago."

"How? What did I miss?" he asked, genuinely.

"You were inside your house. It was during the summer and we were at your
house swimming. It was the day after Lane and Josh had sex. As Josh told me
the story, he told me a lot more about why they'd waited. Plus, I got to
see them the first time they met. Josh was gone from that moment. There's
nothing he wouldn't do for Lane. If the doctor had come in and said Lane
would make a full recovery instantly if Josh cut his own throat, he would
have found something sharp and done it right there in the lounge."

Alan sighed, "I know I shouldn't be feeling this way, but I'm so damn
jealous of them right now. They have everything they need in each other. I
hope I can find that. I want to feel that way about someone else."

"Don't sweat it, Alan. Now that you know what it looks like, you won't
ignore it when it does happen and you won't wait out something you don't
feel is right."

He pulled the car off to the side of the road and looked at me, "It sounds
like you've been doing some thinking yourself..."

I just glumly responded, "Yep. I've had some time on my hands and some
motivation."

"You know we all hate him. I'm pretty sure he's cheating on you but I can't
prove it or I would have already beat his ass down."

I smiled over at him, "I know what y'all think. It's been made really
clear, but emotionally I'm not there yet." I stopped for a second and
looked him straight in the eye, "Please give me time."

He just nodded back and started driving again. We were at my house in no
time (my house... only took me six months to start calling it that, but I
finally got it) and I thanked him for the ride.

I went inside and was greeted by Henry who was waiting by the door. I could
hear the TV going in the family room so I walked back there and gave
mother, Neil, and Cat the update. I watched the end of a movie with them
and then we went to bed. A little while later, Cat came in my room and
asked if I thought Lane would be OK. It was, well, a little
breathtaking. Cat wasn't emotional and she rarely worried about others. But
there was something about her, tonight, that showed through.

I gave her a hug and told her Lane was going to be fine. I could feel her
body relax a bit, as if the electric current which had kept her tensed up
had finally been pulled off her. We just stood there for a while, not
moving. It was the first and only time I'd ever seen her like
this. Usually, she was the one trying to get me to calm down.

Finally, she pulled away and I stopped her, "Are you going to be ok? Do you
want to sleep with me tonight?"

She smiled, "I'll be OK and thank you, but I'll be fine by myself. I'm just
a little weird about all this because of how today went and I know how much
Josh cares about Lane."

"I know... try to get some sleep."

"Good night," she said, walking out of my room.

I replied back, "Sweet dreams," which caused her to turn and look at me
like I'd grown horns. Moment of sibling emotional connection over. I just
smiled back at her and she rolled her eyes, turned, and walked away. Cat,
with her red blonde hair, was already so pretty but when she moved like
that, it was clear she was destined to be a breathtaking woman.

That night I had some weird dreams, including one I remembered really well
when I woke up. It was of me, in bed, with Lane and Josh standing over me,
crying. I wasn't dead, I knew that much, but they were obviously upset. I
honestly don't think they even knew I was conscious and I couldn't hear
what they were saying, but I knew they were OK and, at that moment, it was
enough for me.

Cat and I went to school like normal and mother and Neil went out to the
hospital after dropping us off. Around ten that morning I got a text from
Josh...

"He's up and doing ok. Memory foggy, but seems himself. Don't know about
damage to kidneys. They're going to release him this afternoon if labwork
comes back OK"

I sat back in my chair and breathed out a huge sigh of relief. I
immediately forwarded the text to as many people as I could.

Lunch was... interesting. I usually sat with the same group I'd been with
since the first of the year, but that Friday as I walked into the
cafeteria, Kurt was waiting for me and ran up like a puppy, wrapping his
arms around me. This is my weakness, he knows how to disarm me and within
minutes of us talking, all was well with us again.

If I had to put it on one thing, it was the smell. HIS smell. The mixture
of his cologne, the soap he used, and him. That and the way he'd look at
me, like I was the entire world to him at that moment. Isn't that what
everyone wants, to be the world to someone else?

We talked for about ten minutes and then I ambled over to the table to a
very disgusted George who called me a nelly queen for falling for his shit,
which, predictably, pissed me off.

Not because of the comment being nasty, but because it was true. Later that
day, as I was heading to baseball, he apologized to me and I broke
down. What he'd said, and more importantly, what I'd done with regard to my
lack of resolve, had been spot on.

He tried apologizing again, but I laughed through the tears, "Don't. You're
fucking right and that's why I'm upset. It's just hard for me, man. There's
one guy who means the world to me who'd never put me through this shit and
he's 1400 miles away. I just want to be a normal kid and have someone, you
know? It just fucking sucks it's Kurt and I'm weak as hell when it comes to
him."

He looked at me for a minute, eyes full of sympathy for the first time with
all this, and said, "Man, I had no idea it was that bad."

I just sighed, "I wouldn't expect you to, George, and there's no reason why
you should. It's always going to different for me so don't beat yourself up
about it. Seriously, it's my problem and I'll deal with it. Just give me
some time."

Practice that Friday went so smoothly it was actually a shock. I knew that
the team we were up against was everyone's pick to win state, but the way
we were playing led us all to believe we had a damn good shot.

That Saturday I woke up feeling amazing. I was in a fantastic mood and I
was completely focused on the game we had that evening. I went to the
kitchen for breakfast to find Josh sitting there with my parents, and I
gave him a hug, asking how Lane was doing.

He had this look of relief on his face unlike any I'd ever seen before,
like everything was right with his world. It was so good to see and just
added to my already good mood.

"He's doing great, but he's going to need a few more days of downtime
before his system is back to 100%. His kidney function is slightly reduced
but the doctor is pretty sure it's temporary. I left him sleeping to come
back here and get a change of clothes."

I smiled back at him, "Any chance you guys can make it to our game
tonight?"

Josh smiled broadly, "I'll be there. Lane doesn't realize it yet, but he's
not going."

"Damn, I was really hoping he'd be up to it."

Josh laughed, "He absolutely will think he's up to it. But his mom has
already decided he's going to stay home at least through the weekend."

At that point mother got up, "You want something to eat?"

I smiled back at her, "Yes ma'am, I'm really hungry." She proceeded to
stuff us with fruit, pancakes, sausage, and bacon.

Josh went back over to Lane's after breakfast and I took Henry for a
walk. I still didn't know how I was going to deal with Kurt. This was the
only experience I'd had with someone in a romantic relationship trying to
manipulate me and finally, something stuck out in my head. Kami, when we'd
talked earlier in the week, had made the statement that she thought I was
too good for him. I agreed, but told her it's hard when all you want to do
is feel desired and the only one willing to do that is someone like
Kurt. It made her laugh pretty hard and I asked her why.

"Because you're fucking gorgeous. It's one thing I've always loved about
you, that you're not hung up on your looks. I used to think it was you
being modest, but I realize now it's almost as if what you see in the
mirror is something completely different than what the rest of us see when
we look at you. When he tells you things about your looks, it makes you
feel good, but what it should do is irritate you because all he's doing it
pointing out the obvious.

I hate to tell you this, but it's time to cut the cord on this loser. You
may have to branch out a little from Ouichita like Christopher did, but I
promise there's someone way better out there for you."

That conversation happened on Wednesday and I didn't put much thought into
it at the time. Now, for some reason, it was all I could think about. She
wasn't right, I think I saw exactly what everyone else did. I was good
looking, but gorgeous was a pretty big stretch. I was still 5'8" but I was
up to 160 which gave me the appearance of being more filled out than I
actually was. I wasn't a loser, by any means, but I also wasn't some
gorgeous stud like Josh or Bruce. That's when it hit me.

I wasn't ever going to be and for some reason, two guys I thought were
maddeningly hot both had a thing for me, or had at one time. Three if you
added Kurt to the mix. I wasn't turned on by myself, but the people who did
turn me on seemed to think I was pretty damn hot. Kami did as well and she
was beautiful. It was time for me to stop being so easy to twist.

Early that afternoon Neil took me to school and we got changed in the
locker room, then boarded the bus. The game was in Dallas and on the way
up, we were all in really good spirits, but there wasn't much
bullshitting. We were all remarkably calm and even the usual pranksters
took a pass on jerking us around.

That game was one of the most fun I've ever played. It was a nice late
afternoon, not too hot, and we were just in sync. We won the quarterfinal
game we weren't supposed to win by one run. It wasn't mine. In fact, I'd
played decently but I'd been a little distracted by everything churning in
my head. Alan recognized it and got on my ass about it. It didn't effect
how I was playing, but he knew there was something going on.

On the way home he made sure and sat next to me on the bus. We talked in
hushed tones about what was happening and how I was feeling. I ended up
telling him about what Kami had said and he laughed.

"Well, and don't go getting a big head or think this means more than it
does, she's right. You aren't some freak Kurt is taking pity on, he's
actually really lucky to have you. The only thing genuine about him may be
his attraction to you."

At that point, Ben broke us up and said we're having a party at his
place. His parents had said it was OK as long as everyone was 'safe', which
basically meant bring your sleeping bags. I asked Alan if I could ride with
him and he just laughed at me, rubbing my head.

When we got back to the school, our families were there and congratulated
us. Mother tried to nix my plan to stay over at Ben's, but Neil stepped up
in my defense so she relented. Alan assured her he'd have me home the next
morning no later than ten.

Josh had gone directly from the game to Lane's so Alan and I decided to
make a stop there before heading to Ben's. Lane was definitely feeling
better and his mother had to get on his ass to stay on the sofa and
rest. Alan and I filled him in on the game (well, the short version since
Lane cared as much about baseball as my father) and he congratulated us on
the win. We ended up heading out and Josh asked me to stay behind for a
moment as Alan went out to the car.

"I've been thinking about something and I don't know how to really talk to
you about it," he said.

I just looked at him, "It's about Kurt isn't it?"

"Yeah, how'd you know? Did Cat say something?" he asked, looking intently
at me for some hint that he'd been betrayed.

"She did Thursday night. She made her feelings quite clear, but not yours,"
I replied.

He looked down at the ground, obviously nervous, "I really hate to say this
but I think the guy is a piece of shit. I know I told you I didn't like
him, but these last few days I can't shake the feeling he's completely
wrong for you. I just don't want to see you hurt."

I sighed. My first thought, honestly, was that I needed to set up a tumblr
with a message detailing what I'd already been told so people could just
add their names to that. My second thought was how happy I was that I'd
sworn Willy to secrecy about Kurt's phone call when Lane was in the
hospital. If Josh had known about that, he would have already beat him to a
paste.

"Josh, I get it. BELIEVE me I do, but I need to handle this myself. I
appreciate you being worried for me, but you're not going to be able to
keep me from hurting all the time. I'll be OK."

And Josh, big old tough Josh, teared up a bit, "Outside of Lane, you're the
most important person in my life. I love Cat, Bethany, and my dad, but
you're my brother and I feel like I need to protect you."

"Dude, you're trying to protect me from myself and you need to stop. I get
how you feel and trust me, I feel the same. I'm going to see where this
leads. There are some things I need to work on and we'll see how Kurt
handles it. Trust me, I can make it through this even if it turns bad."

He stared straight into my eyes, "Promise that no matter what happens,
you'll talk to me, Willy, or Alan about it?"

I smiled brightly back at him, "Or George. Or Frank. Or Brent. Or Cat. Or
maybe all of you."

He sniffed a little, "OK, that'll work, too. I just don't want you wrapped
up in your head thinking that you have to deal with whatever happens by
yourself."

And damnit all if that didn't make me tear up a bit, "Remember that night
after the wedding when I climbed in bed with you? That was me finally
breaking down and realizing sometimes I can't take care of myself, that
sometimes I need to give up and let someone help. I know it doesn't seem
like it, but I've grown up a lot in the last year and I know more about
myself than I did. When it's time, you don't have to worry about whether or
not I'll lean on you, you'll have to worry about how hard it is to prop me
up."

We hugged and he pulled back, hands on my shoulders and looked at me, "I
love you and I will never complain about you using me as a crutch."

We both laughed, said goodbye, and I ran out to Alan's car. As he pulled
out he looked over at me briefly and asked, "Kurt?"

I let out a little laugh, "Yep. I get the feeling that Josh really wants to
beat the hell out of him."

Alan snorted, "We all do, and it's not just about him with you. The guy's a
fucking prick. I know you don't see it, but he's obnoxious and he runs his
mouth constantly. You are probably the only thing keeping most of varsity
football from beating the hell out of him."

"Me?" I asked.

"Yeah, you. They all know you're together and they respect Josh and you
enough to let him alone. But there are a lot of people who really hate
him."

"So, what you're saying is that I should get out of the way in order for
these people to fuck him up?"

Alan laughed, "Nah, you still love him. I'm just letting you know the
position you're really in. Share it with him or don't, it won't change
anything. Personally, I wouldn't. I'd want to see how he acts on his own
because he's so fucking stuck up and oblivious I doubt he even considers
how those around him feel."

That did get a laugh out of me because Alan was absolutely right. It would
never occur to him that anyone disliked him because he liked himself more
than enough to make up for their obvious oversight.

The rest of the drive was pretty uneventful, just listening to the radio
and lost in our own thoughts.

The party ended up being a blast, even if I did drink a little too much and
passed clear the hell out around one in the backseat of Alan's car. Kurt
had texted me earlier about getting together and I told him it would have
to be Sunday so, after Alan got me home, I called him and he agreed to pick
me up around four. Of course it was time for a talk, that much I knew, but
I was also horny as hell. I was, after all, 15 and my hormones were raging.

We decided to go out to a place I knew about on the ranch that was
accessible from a county road. I knew the code for the gate lock and no one
was going to to come out here. I figured we could talk and have some fun,
plus the weather was warm but not hot.

No sooner did we get out of the car than he was on me. I finally had to
push him back and tell him to stop because there was something we needed to
talk about. He looked like I'd just kicked him in the balls.

"After. I can't think right now," he pleaded.

"Nope. NOW."

I spread out a blanket on the ground and we sat down, looking at each
other.

"I'm in love with you. And it hurts like a motherfucker when all you seem
to care about is sex. I get we're kids, but sometimes it's like you don't
feel anything that doesn't spring from your balls. Half the time, I'm
making excuses for you and the other half I'm trying to keep you from
freaking out with need."

He just shrugged, "What do you want me to say? I'm in love with you, too? I
am. You know that. You also know I'm am always revved up to go. I can't
help it."

"I know, but can you at least have a little more tact? I mean, when a
friend of mine could be dying isn't the best time to hit me up for a quick
fuck, you know?"

"Yeah, I know I fucked up. I honestly can't help it."

I went over to him and hugged him.

"Just promise me you're going to think things through before you open your
mouth?" I asked.

He looked at me with this, I don't know, strange look in his eyes. "I will
and I love you," and with that, he reached up to cup the back of my head,
bringing my mouth down to his. He pulled me tight against him, then laid me
down to climb on top of me. We quickly started shrugging out of clothes and
he was grabbing for the lube I'd brought with me.

Kurt was GOOD as a top, he wasn't great but he was good. He knew how to
open me up, get me ready, and make me feel like I couldn't go on without
him inside me. I knew it was learned behavior for him, but what he'd picked
up was absolutely perfect. He'd also picked up on the fact that once I was
ready, he could go at whatever pace he wanted. And it was exactly what I
needed that Sunday, to feel him inside me as much as on top of me, to feel
him kissing me and feel myself release all the stress and tension that had
built up. We ended up going twice, but the second time I made him sit back
and let me ride him cowboy. It wasn't my favorite position, but I also
wanted it to last longer that second time.

After we laid there on the blanket as the air dried us out. There was no
mistaking the smell clinging to us, but it was the last thing on my
mind. At least it was until I got home and made a beeline for my room and
the shower. Feeling the water rush over me, I felt content and completely
pleased with the afternoon.

The next week was really nice. Things were far calmer all the way around
and we won our Semifinal game the next Saturday which only left Regionals
standing between us and State. Plus, it was the end of the school and we
were all pretty happy about that.

The first week of the summer was a lot of practice and preparing for the
regional game. My parents had already made reservations in Austin for the
State Finals, which I thought was not only premature but possibly very
unlucky, a thought I shared with all of them. My fathers reaction was oddly
understanding, as was Neil's. My mother, on the other hand, thought it was
nonsensical.

And she turned out to be right because we lost regionals and it had nothing
to do with luck or fate or any other damn thing. We just got outplayed by a
superior team. The loss was upsetting as hell, especially for Ben and
Andrew, since it was their last high school game. Andrew just looked like
he was in shock, Ben was damn near inconsolable. We all ended up drunk at
Andrews that night and Ben and I ended up having a long conversation about,
well, everything.

Before we broke off and found a place to sleep, Ben got really quiet.

"There's something I've been wanting to tell you, but I haven't really had
the balls to do it. I mean, it's not like it's something I've known for a
while, only since Thursday, but I didn't know what to say."

I just looked at him, "What's up, man?"

He looked over at me, tossled my hair, and then said, "I haven't known you
long, but in that time I've really started to like you. It's important to
me you know I respect you as a man and a baseball player."  THAT was high
praise from someone like Ben. Someone as good as he is, well, just doesn't
respect about 90% of the players he encounters. Given the context, there
wasn't a soul that would ever top that complement.

"Dude, that means a lot to me, seriously. Thank you."

He looked down, "That's the good part. The bad part is that I found out
Thursday Kurt's been cheating on you with some chick in Redbud. I'm trying
to get a name, but a friend of mine from Chapel Hill saw him there and
knows it was him because he recognized him from Facebook."

I just sat there, stunned. I was drunk so the sting of it wasn't nearly as
bad as it could have been, but damn did it hurt.

"I haven't said anything to anyone. I hear people talk, I know a lot of
guys hate him and I know they'd kick his ass in a second if they thought
they could get away with it. Something like this..."

"... and there'll be 10 guys who just want to beat him up but will claim
they're doing it because he fucked me over."

"Exactly," he exhaled, smoothly. "I didn't think I should wait and I knew
if I didn't do it now, I might chicken out."

At that point, I'll admit I started to cry. It wasn't gut wrenching sobs or
anything, but given how things had been going I really thought Kurt and I
were good. And through a sniffle, I asked Ben, "When did your friend see
him?"

"Wednesday night."

"Damn," was all I could manage.

"Look, I can't pretend to know what it's like for you, but I hope you'll
see that this isn't you, it's him. He's an asshole and he doesn't deserve
you. I know it doesn't help, but I also know it's something that you need
to hear. Whether it was this or something else, this wasn't going to last
because you will replace him. Trust me?"

"Yeah, I do," I said, trying to straighten up so the others wouldn't see me
like this.

"Then trust me now. You didn't do anything wrong. The problem is him, not
you."

I got up and told him goodnight, then went to find someplace to sleep. My
eyes felt like sandpaper and the taste in my mouth was like something had
died which was ironic since, effectively, something did die.

Alan's parents had kept their reservation and his dad agreed to take us to
Austin the next weekend to watch the state games. I'd kept some distance
from Kurt that week and done a really good job of hiding the hurt from my
family. It wasn't perfect, but everyone pretty much assumed that it had to
do with losing regionals. Except Cat. She knew it was Kurt and we had a
long talk about it that Wednesday night and I finally came clean with
her. She was, uncharacteristically, calm about the whole thing and agreed
to keep it all to herself for now. She, as well as anyone, knew what Josh
would do if he found out and while seeing some harm come to Kurt would have
made her happy, she knew it wasn't right for me.

Being able to go down for the finals was almost therapeutic. That Friday,
as Alan and I sat in the stands, we started talking to a couple of guys who
played for UT. They saw my Ouichita ball cap and when we confirmed we were
from there, they said they expected to see us here. We both just hung our
heads and one of them laughed, "Don't worry, it happens to all of us."

They asked about Ben, since they knew he was heading their way and we both
told them they were going to love him. Alan's father, who'd brought us
down, had decided to hang out with some friends and so when Meyer and Don
asked if we wanted to hang out that night, he agreed under one condition,
that we were back in the room by 12 and no bars. Both the guys told him
they'd watch out for us. About 9, Meyer picked us up at the hotel. I
noticed him wearing a rainbow beaded bracelet and I asked if he was seeing
anyone.

Not missing a beat, and smiling at me broadly, he said, "Yeah and he's
going to be at the party. But you gotta keep it on the downlow. He plays
football so he's not out."

I smiled and said, "That's really cool."

Meyer laughed, "Yeah, I thought you would like that. What about you Alan,
did you come off the homo tree as well?"

Alan and I both laughed, then he said, "Nah, and it's surprising given that
my two best friends are mos."

"Well, don't worry," Meyer responded, "There will be plenty of pussy around
though you need to warn them you're underage. Statutory rape and all." he
finished, laughing.

When we got there, Don took Alan under his wing and I followed Meyer to the
kitchen for drinks. About ten minutes later, a very hot black dude walked
in and grabbed the back of Meyers head, bringing him in for a kiss. When
they finally broke, an obviously happy Meyer introduced me to his
boyfriend, Tommy. They were a really beautiful couple and interesting
match. Meyer was 6'4" and pretty lanky, I don't think weighed much over
190. Tommy was 6'2" and very built, like Josh or Bruce. We made drinks and
stepped outside to talk. I was, understandably curious and peppered them
with questions for a good thirty minutes.

Tommy explained he was very ready to come out and that a lot of his
teammates already knew. However, he didn't want to be a spectacle. He
wasn't planning to play after college so in another year, he wasn't going
to wait any more. I asked him what his family thought and he said only his
mother and grandparents knew. He was sure his father and older brothers
would have an issue, but he was prepared for that as long as it meant he
could be with Meyer.

I told them they both reminded me a lot of Josh and Lane, which forced me
into explaining their relationship. Tommy laughed and said, "We're not that
bad" and I replied, "No, you're worse. You don't see the way you touch
Meyer or the way you're sitting with each other. It's clear as day that you
both love one another."

Then the conversation turned to me. I didn't even bother sugarcoating where
I was or what was going on with Kurt. Tommy was pretty pissed but it was
Meyer who brought everything into perspective for me.

"You don't know if it's true yet."

That one statement helped unwind a week of nausea and the hollow in the pit
of my stomach. He was right, I didn't know for sure and wouldn't until I
actually talked about it. His advice was straight forward, talk to Kurt and
get his side of it. See if maybe there was truth in what he says and, if
not, move on.

I ended up hanging with them the entire night on the patio, occasionally
talking to some other people while either Meyer or Tommy would get up to
get more drinks. About 1115 we called the hotel and asked them to send a
car to pick us up. Alan wasn't really ready to go, thanks to a very
attractive blond girl who was obviously into him. She offered to come back
with us to the hotel which Alan thought about, then decided was probably
not a good idea. I'd already told him I could play on my phone for the
thirty minutes it would take for him to nail her but he'd decided the risk
of his father checking up on him was too high. It wasn't until we were in
the car that he finally admitted he hadn't brought any condoms and the idea
of searching some out was too much for him to deal with in a city he didn't
know.

We got back and Alan immediately stripped down to take a shower and I
assume relieve his blue balls. I got undressed and texted with Josh and
Willy. Josh and Lane were having a night in at Lane's house and Willy was
spending the night with Brent and they were deep into a game.

Alan finally reappeared and, when I laughed at him, he just flipped me off
and went to put on underwear. I made my way to shower, got cleaned up, and
went to bed feeling much better than I had in days.

Yeah, it occurred to me Kurt might lie. I wasn't altogether prepared for
that, but I figured I'd be able to tell for some stupid reason. Still, I
was able to sleep well for the first time in what seemed like ages.

The next morning we drove home. We all talked about some of the playing
we'd seen, things we'd picked up on and Alan and I agreed with Ben and
Andrew gone, we needed to spend time with some of the other guys like Frank
and Reese to get them up a little bit. We still had a lot of good players
returning but we were losing some who were far better. This trip had been
about watching some good baseball and it had inadvertently turned into a
wakeup call for us to bring other players up a notch.

When I got home, the first thing I did was take Henry for a walk since the
house was empty. More and more, Henry reminded me of Dan in some ways, but
he was definitely his own dog and it was a wonderful getting to know
him. After almost six months together, I still felt like I was learning
about him and he was picking up on things I did.

Darnell's parents had gone out of town for a week and left his older
brother 'in charge', which effectively meant we could do what we
wanted. He'd picked up some beer and shitty bourbon for us and then Darnell
and Willy had to decided to have a dudes night. After dinner Josh drove me
over to his house and I knocked on the door, only to find Darnell's brother
Wayne behind it. Wayne had been kind of a dick to us when we were kids and
that had continued when he was in college (he was now in grad school for
his MBA). Last summer, Darnell had enough and kicked his ass when he was
home. After that, there was a whole new and nicer Wayne. Except to me...

"And look here, it's little fairy princess!"

I just smiled back at him and shoved my way inside. Wayne was bigger than
me but he was mostly fat so sliding past him wasn't hard.

He put his arm around my shoulders as we walked inside and said, "I'm
actually really glad you finally came out."

I stopped and turned to look at him. "When did you know?"

He laughed, "Summer after y'all were in seventh grade. I have friends who
are gay and I knew what it was like from hearing them tell stories about
growing up. I figured you'd get there sooner or later. When you finally
did, Darnell called and we had a long talk about it. I have to give it to
my little brother, he's got a damn good head on his shoulders."

"I know, man."

Wayne left a little while later and we all started drinking and telling
stories. I told them about the trip to Austin, leaving out some essential
details, but not failing to mention what an excellent cock block I'd been
for Alan which amused everyone thoroughly since in their opinion Alan
crushed way too much ass as it was.

Of course, there was also porn which Darren had downloaded. We watched one
crappy one and within thirty minutes everyone had made their way to the
bathroom to take care of business. We all broke to go outside and hang out
and then Darren announced he had a special treat, just for me.

That's right, he'd actually downloaded some stupid gay video and everyone
just groaned. We made it five minutes into it before even I said to turn it
off. I stood up and thanked everyone for their patience and understanding
while Darren came over to give me a hug telling me, "You're still my boy!"

We spent the rest of the night talking and bullshitting, mostly about
hooking up. Brent had lost his cherry to the new nanny his neighbors had
hired to help out with their recently arrived twin boys. Darnell had hooked
up with a girl he was unwilling to name and Willy, being the only one of us
who was honorable, declined to say much about what he and Susie were doing
other than that he was quite happy. George and Frank remained virgins,
though Frank had already told me that he was close to getting with this
senior Alan was very familiar with.

Then it turned to me. They already knew about Kami, what they were most
curious about was if guys were better at giving blowjobs than chicks. I
told them the truth, that GAY guys were better at giving head than chicks
but that straight guys were pretty fucking bad at it.

And the reaction was stunned silence.

Darnell was the one who finally spoke up, "The fuck did you say?Straight
guys are bad at it? Care to share a little more?"

I realized I'd vastly overstepped thanks to my need to be honest coupled
with the Jim Beam and coke already coursing through my veins.

"I don't want to talk about it," I said, again being completely
truthful. Of course that wasn't enough and the badgering continued until I
finally yelled out, "It was one straight dude. We just traded blowjobs and
he was pretty bad at it."

Frank, laughing his ass off, yelled at me, "WHO WAS IT?!" and the rest of
the guys laughed. I sat there for a second, thinking, and finally decided I
didn't need to tell these morons every little detail of my damn sex life.

"I'm not telling you and it wouldn't do you any good any way. If it helps,
it's no one you know."

I hated lying, especially to my friends, but I just couldn't give up Alan
like that. We'd been there for each other for so long and talking out of
school about something like that, even with this group of guys who I could
trust with my life, would be an even bigger betrayal than lying to them. I
opted for the lesser of two evils.

They kept at me for a little bit longer until Willy said something about
Brian and I whipped my head around to stare at him. My reaction, thoroughly
unintentional, made them think the mystery guy was Brian who was very much
gay and gave fantastic head. I didn't confirm or deny it, but they all
perceived my reaction to be confirmation and finally left it alone.

What they did not leave alone was their perception that I was THE
MAN. Despite being small and constantly in my head, I'd managed to hook up
with some really hot gay guys, one really hot chick, and even got a
straight guy to blow me. The whole thing really cracked me up because none
of them knew the backstories and that I was most definitely 'not the man'
with most of the gay guys I'd been with, at least in so far as they would
have perceived it. Brent and I caught each other's eyes at one point and I
could tell he was really amused since out of all of them, even Willy, he'd
been the one I'd discussed my sex life with the most.

The night wore on and we ended up watching another video then falling
asleep. Honestly, in retrospect, what made the night special was that we
all knew we were growing up and this was one of the last times we'd all be
together like this. In less than year, we'd all be driving and a weekend
night like this just wouldn't be a thing.

The next week I had the talk with Kurt and he gave me a very reasonable
explanation for the mystery girl in Redbud. It was his cousin, which Mandy
confirmed. Ben's friend had admitted that it could have been that, but that
they did seem awfully close. Still, it was more than acceptable since it
was what I wanted to hear. Six months later I learned about confirmation
bias and actually laughed out in class.

The rest of June was pretty uneventful, save for the decision on the
custody hearing date. After everyone had been deposed and Cat and I had our
meetings with the judge, they'd finally decided to set it for Thursday,
July 14th. Mother was really cool about the whole thing, like it was all
going to be OK, but I knew she was suspecting the worst would occur. I'd
overheard her and Neil talking late one night as I went into their room to
tell them I was home and going to bed and she had said Daniels had offered
a compromise to Gresham who had dismissed it.

I put it aside as much as I could focused on what was in front of me. Daddy
had me working again this summer but my schedule wasn't nearly as
bad. Mother had already told me I didn't need to do it if I didn't want to,
but I realized that I liked to work and it gave me time to think. Mowing
had become, for me, like fishing for a lot of people, a time when no one
was bothering you and when you just had a simple task to complete.

The weekend of the Fourth, we'd planned to go to Darren's place on Lake
Palestine, just Christopher, Darren, Kurt, and I. My mother, for once, was
actually OK with the idea of us all spending time together unsupervised
which surprised the hell out of me since I figured it would take a miracle
to get her to say yes. She finally admitted she trusted Christopher and
that was why she was OK with it.

We went up Saturday morning and spent Saturday out on the lake after
getting the supplies into the house. We had a lot of fun and we met some
guys who were in a house about a half mile away who were there for the
weekend. They were all in school at TCU and were paired off, except for two
of the guys who were obviously looking for something. One seemed to have
his eye on Kurt, the other was definitely into Christopher. Darren was
pretty oblivious until the late afternoon and then he basically told the
guy he'd gut him like a fish if he even looked at Christopher.

Kurt, for his part, wasn't being openly flirtatious, but he also wasn't
being actively dissuasive. Still, I was in a really good mood and didn't
think much of it. I knew I was better looking than the bro from TCU and I
just didn't act like I was bothered.

We went back in about 730 and started cooking after we got cleaned up. The
guys from TCU showed up about 10 and it turned into a pretty decent
party. I really didn't think I was drinking that much until it hit me like
a brick and I was down for the count. I remember falling asleep in a chair
on the patio and Darren waking me up. He helped me inside, then after a few
stumbles, basically decided it would be easier if he just carried me in and
put me on the bed in our room. He made sure I knew where the bathroom was
and I had to tell him I wasn't sick, just really tired. I remember him
laughing pretty hard at that, then walking out the door saying 'goodnight'.

I woke up to the sun streaming in through the windows, feeling pretty damn
good. I had been honest when I told Darren I wasn't sick, just tired and
the sleep had been really nice. I looked over at the clock and it read
721. I figured everyone had been up pretty late so I got up as quietly as I
could to make my way to the kitchen. As I walked down the hall, I heard
what sounded like people having sex. There was another bedroom right off
the living room and I peeked in through the slightly open door, wondering
who it was, only to see Kurt and the asshole from TCU going at it. From the
angle, I could see Kurt's dick and I could see there wasn't a condom on it.

I just backed away from the door and went back to the room we were supposed
to share that weekend. I quickly put what little I'd unpacked back in my
bag, grabbed my phone, and made my way as silently as I could out of the
house.

As I walked down the short drive to the street, I remembered there was a
gas station about a mile away at the intersection of a highway. So I walked
down there, churning over in my head what I had to do. It wasn't a quick
walk since I was wearing flip flops and what I'd been wearing the night
before, a tank top and pair of shorts. I think I looked as much like a
refugee, dressed that way and carrying a bag, as anything.

When I got to the gas station I got some coffee and took a seat in one of
the booths. I looked down at my phone and saw the time was a little after
eight. I decided to text Josh.

"Are you up?"

The reply took about five minutes.

"Yeah, just got out of the shower. What's up?"

I sat there for about a minute and realized I had no other options. I could
wait this out until I knew Alan was up and beg him to come get me without
saying anything. But I knew that was just me wanting to avoid admitting to
anyone that I'd badly misjudged the with whom I'd fallen in love. I started
to cry as I replied to Josh.

"Need you to come pick me up. Exxon on Hwy 155 close to the intersection
with Malibu Road near Lake Palestine."

The response took about 30 seconds.

"Be there in 75 minutes. Text me if anything changes."

"Thank you." was all I could type back.

I got up again to get some more coffee and ended up buying some Hostess
crap to put something in my already churning stomach. I was hoping I could
hold it together and I was doing a pretty good job until the lady at the
register asked, "Sugar, is everything OK?"

I just looked back at her, tears already rolling down my cheeks, feeling as
guilty, ashamed, and worthless as I ever had, and told her, "Not really,
but I will be."

The look on her face just tore me up that much more, complete and total
pity, maybe a bit of empathy, for a total stranger.

I paid for my purchases and went back to my booth. I knew I'd feel better
after I ate so I dug into the junk with gusto, like it was the only meal
I'd had for a week. As I ate, I realized I really didn't feel better but at
least the rolling in my stomach was starting to dissipate. I tried hard not
to think about what I'd seen, but the video of Kurt fucking that guy was
burned into my brain. I know it sounds crazy, but I started thinking about
what I'd done wrong. Had I not been enough? When we got back to the house
last night, before we started dinner, we'd taken a long shower together and
he'd fucked me. It wasn't like he'd been going without... or was it? Was
fucking me somehow not enough? Was it so unsatisfying for him that he had
to seek out a stranger while I slept in the same house?

And if that's the case, would I ever be enough for anyone? Would I just be
someone who is always used?

I wasn't angry. I was hurt. I didn't want to lash out, I wanted to run and
get away. We were finished, I decided that the moment I saw there was no
condom. But at that point, I wasn't thinking about all the brutal ways I'd
like to see him die for cheating on me... I just wanted to be safe and I
knew right then I was anything but.

I'd been staring out the window watching traffic on the highway for a good
thirty minutes before the lady at the register, whose nametag said VONDA in
nice, neat white letters carved obviously by a machine into the slab of
blue plastic, came and sat with me.

"I decided to take a break, do you mind if I join you?" she asked, her face
warm and remarkably full of sympathy.

"Please," was all I could think to say to her.

She pulled over the ashtray sitting at the end of the table and lit up a
cigarette. For some reason I asked her if I could try it.

"Baby, you don't smoke, do you?"

"No ma'am," I responded.

She looked at me appraisingly, "You're, what, sixteen? seventeen?"

"Fifteen, but I'll be sixteen in September."

That brought a big smile to her face. "Can't smoke unless your eighteen
and, honestly, if you want a piece of free advice, don't start. Damn things
are hell to quit."

"Yes ma'am."

"Now that's out of the way, why don't you tell me what's got you so wound
up? You're not running from your momma and daddy, are you?"

I sort of laughed at that, "No ma'am, I'm actually running back to
them. I'm waiting for my brother to come pick me up."

"OK, so what's your story?"

I took a sip from my coffee and said, " I really don't know where to
begin..."

"Well," she said taking a long drag from her cigarette, "How about you
start with getting fucked over by a guy?"

That made me smile, "Am I that obvious?"

"I knew it had to be a girl or a guy, just guessed from looking at you that
it was probably a guy."

I laughed and told her about the last 24 hours. It wasn't terribly pretty
and when I got to the part that morning, I relived the scene in my head of
Kurt deep dicking the guy. I could still hear his moans of pleasure ringing
in my ears. When I was done she just looked at me and smiled.

"He's got to be the dumbest motherfucker on the planet to cheat on someone
like you."

I smiled back at her weakly and said, "Thanks, but I'm wondering if maybe
it was something I did."

She huffed out, "Nope. I can already tell you the answer to that. You could
give him anything he ever wanted and he'd still cheat. Some men are wired
that way. I know it's hard, but you just gotta let 'em go and don't look
back."

I nodded my head in agreement, "That's pretty much what I'm doing this
morning."

"Good. Sweaty, there ain't nothing I can say that's gonna make this any
easier, but you just gotta know inside yourself that this is for the
best. This ending, as much as it hurts, is going to open up a much better
door for you," and she stood up, then turned back to me, showing me her
hand and playing with the wedding band on her finger, "And I should know,
because it did for me."

I smiled at her and it was the first time since I'd been in bed that
morning that I felt genuinely light.

"Thank you for talking to me."

She winked at me, "It was my pleasure. And if you need another refill, it's
on me."

She walked back to the counter and went back to work. I looked down at my
phone and got on Facebook to change my relationship status to single. I
ended up playing a game for a while until I heard Josh's voice.

"Good morning, ma'am. I'm looking for..."

Vonda didn't miss a beat, "He's right over there," and pointed in my
direction.

Josh walked over to me and I got up from the booth. When he reached me, he
wrapped me in a hug and then pulled back, asking what happened.

I just smiled at him and said, "I'll fill you in on the way home. Let's
go."

As we walked out I told Vonda thanks. Her talk meant a lot more to me than
just a simple thanks, but I wasn't capable of showing much more than that
at the time and I can only hope she understood.

We got in the car and Josh looked over at me, face filled with worry.

"Dude, I'll tell you everything just drive us home."

"You sure this isn't something better dealt with here?" he asked, obviously
thinking about throwing Kurt what I can only assume would be a legendary
beating.

"Yes, I'm completely sure."

He finally started to drive and I told him what had happened. He was
furious and really wanted to beat Kurt, but I told him to back the hell
down. This was my life and I was dealing with it.

"You're dealing with it? Let me DEAL with it. He deserves me, not you."

"Josh, you can't beat up someone for dicking me over. You're as bad as
Willy sometimes and I love you both so much for it. But, seriously, this is
one fight I have to have on my own and it's not going to get done with
fists."

"OK, then LET me do this. You're my brother, I love you, and I'm begging
you to please let me take this asshole down."

I sighed, "No."

"But..."

"I said no, Josh. Besides, from what Alan told me he already has so many
people that hate him and have left him alone because of me, it won't be
long until one of them beat his ass."

Josh finally relented, and relaxed his grip on the steering wheel, which
made me feel much better.

"You have to understand, I want to hurt anyone who hurts you. It's going to
be hard for me to let this go."

I looked over at him with a smile on my face, "I know and I appreciate
it. I put you into this position by not getting rid of him sooner. I just
thought that we'd turned a corner a few weeks ago. That maybe I'd finally
gotten through to him. I know I was wrong and I know this is my fault. I
can't have you putting yourself in jeopardy just to even the score for
something I should have already dealt with. I just couldn't live with it."

He reached over and cupped the back of my head. It was really amazing the
things he'd picked up from my mother, especially the little things that
would calm me down and let me know without equivocation how much he cared.

We continued to drive in silence until Lane called. Josh answered, "Good
morning."

You could almost hear the smile on Lane's face, "Good morning to you! Have
you talked to Rob?"

Josh looked at me and I nodded back, "Yeah, he's in the car with me. Say
hi!"

"Oh, man, are you ok? I saw your update on Facebook. I'm guessing things
didn't go well."

I laughed, "No, they didn't. I woke up this morning to find Kurt fucking
some guy we connected with yesterday. I bailed and ran off to a gas station
to wait for Josh to pick me up. Total nightmare."

"Oh, God, I'm so sorry. How long did it take you to convince Josh not to go
beat the shit out of him?"

Both of us laughed, but Josh finally responded, "The better part of ten
minutes."

"So you guys are heading back?"

"Yep," Josh said. "Should be home in time for lunch. You still coming
over?"

"I am. See you then. And Rob, I love you and I fucking hate that guy." That
made me laugh.

"Love you too, Lane."

Not long after, we stopped for a soda and I got a text from Christopher.

"Where are you?"

I responded, "Got up a little after seven and found Kurt fucking one of the
TCU bros. Bailed. Josh came to get me and I'm heading home."

"Shit. That explains why he's asleep in the other room. We thought y'all
had a fight or something. Why didn't you get me up? I would have taken
you."

"And ruin your time with Darren? No fucking way."

"You're too good for that fucker. What do you want me to tell him?"

"The truth. Tell him if he wants to discuss, he can text me, but we're
done."

"OK. Drive safe. Tell Josh we said hi. I'm really sorry this happened,
Rob."

"Thanks man, I'll talk to you later."

When Josh got back in the car I filled him on the text from Christopher and
we kept on driving. Josh tried to keep things as lighthearted as possible,
but he needn't have. Ever since my conversation with Vonda, I'd been pretty
well at peace. I knew this was going to hurt when I really had a chance to
think about it, but for now I was just so happy to be heading home that it
was all well tamped down.

We made it back to the house and I filled mother and Neil in on what
happened. Mother looked at me oddly and I can tell she knew something was
off. I told her I wanted to lay down for a bit and she walked with me back
to my room. This was the conversation I didn't want to have with Josh and
Neil. If Josh knew what I was about to tell mother, there would have been
nothing to stop him from beating Kurt to within an inch of his life.

We got to my room and Henry hopped up on the bed. I asked mother to close
the door and I told her about the barebacking. She gasped.

"You can't say anything to anyone. Josh will kill him if he finds out and
all we really need to do is get me tested on Tuesday."

She just looked at me, her face filled with both anger and worry as the
tears began to well up. "How could you do this? You know better..."

I looked over at Henry, then down at my feet. I wanted so badly to tell her
without breaking down. "I thought we were monogamous and we'd both been
tested," I got that out before the tears really started to flow, "I was in
love with him and I thought I could trust him. I was really wrong and I'm
so sorry to load this onto you right now."

She came over and hugged me tightly. We both just sat there, crying, for
what seemed like minutes. She finally looked at me.

"I love you no matter what. I know how you felt about him and I'm not going
to beat you up over this. I'm going to make some calls and I'll see what I
can do about getting it done on Tuesday."

"Can we keep this between us?" I asked.

She just smiled, "Of course." Then she hugged me again, "We're going to get
through this. Don't worry."

"Thanks, mom."

After she left I set an alarm for an hour and laid down with Henry who
curled up in front of me, something he only did when he knew I was
upset. The calm that had descended on me after speaking with Vonda was
rapidly lifting and I knew I needed to get through the today and tomorrow
without anyone knowing anything.

I got up and spent the rest of the day with Lane and Josh, swimming and
hanging out. About 230 Alan came over with his current girlfriend. All
afternoon I got messages from people asking what had happened with me and
Kurt and I just told them we broke up, no reason to go into all the gory
details.

Later I heard from Willy and the other guys, who I gave a little more
detail. I finally put them all on a group text. Like Josh, they had decided
they needed to defend my honor, even after I explained I had none. Jokes
didn't work and they didn't even know the worst of it. At that point,
neither did I. I was starting to get more than a little exasperated with
all the 'LET'S KICK HIS ASS' machoness coming off my friends until I
remembered something Brian had said...

"Don't get mad at the people who love you for loving you. They can't help
it. And I can tell you those guys think the world of you. God help anyone
who ever hurts you because those three guys will bury the fucker."

He was referring to Alan, Lane, and Josh but he may as well have been
talking about all my friends. I finally got through to them by admitting
the same thing to them I told Josh in the car, that this was MY fault for
not ending things with him a month ago. If I was really truthful, I should
have ended things that afternoon Lane was in the hospital. Hope, it turns
out, is a powerful drug. At any rate, that finally did the trick and
everyone calmed down.

We had dinner and settled in for a movie. It was nice to have some downtime
with everyone and I was, in a weird way, happy things had gone the way they
had or I wouldn't have been there to enjoy that time with them.

The next day Neil had a party planned. People started to show up about 730
and the fireworks started around 9. Just about everyone came except George
who was tied up with something his family was doing. I was most glad that I
hadn't heard from Kurt and that he didn't show up. When Christopher got
there with Darren, he just told me that Kurt had taken off before they were
ready to leave earlier in the day. He thought the same thing I did, that
he'd gone to the house where the TCU guys were all staying. It was really
perfect for someone like him, don't deal with the damage you've done and
instead take care of yourself.

The next morning we had breakfast and mother told me to get ready to leave
at 10. We stopped at her bank on the way out of town and she pulled a few
thousand dollars, then drove into Dallas to Presbyterian to see an old
friend of hers, Dr. Nelson. I'd only met her a few times, but she was one
of those people my mother kept in contact with. Thankfully, she was able to
help.

She was really nice as the nurse took my blood, but I was a little freaked
out about the questions.

"When do you believe you were exposed?" she asked.

"Saturday night around 8pm." I told her.

"Have you had previous exposure to the person you think may be positive?"

"Yes ma'am, the last time was about five weeks ago."

She sighed, "OK. John, put in an order for an HIV NAT on the blood you're
drawing." Then she turned to my mother, "That test will let us know if
there's any HIV in his blood. If nothing shows up, then there's only the
exposure from Saturday. I'm going to write you a prescription for post
exposure prophylaxis. Make sure he takes the entire course of treatment,
then we can have him retested after it's done to get the final all clear.

Honestly, I don't think you have anything to worry about if the NAT comes
back clean. I don't want you to worry about this. I'll have the results
back Thursday and I'll call you. Even if he's clean, though, I still want
to keep him on the PEP to make sure he isn't infected from the exposure on
Saturday."

Then, she turned to me, "Now, is this is the last time we're going to have
to do this?"

"Yes ma'am."

"Good. Your mother doesn't need the scare and I know I sure as hell don't,"
she finished with a small smile.

We went to get something to eat while waiting for Walgreens to get the
prescription together. They were pretty funny when they looked at it, then
back at up at my mother, and told her the cost. She said that's fine and
they asked, "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I'm sure." was the only thing she said in response and only betrayed
a hint of exasperation. When we got back in the car she was mumbling, "Yes,
I'm sure. I have money. Do I look like I don't have money?"

While we were eating she wanted to talk about everything going on. Starting
with Kurt. I gave her all the details, from the first time to the last. I'm
pretty sure the last thing she wanted to do that day was here about the
details of her baby boys sex life, but as she reminded me, we needed to be
able to talk about things like this.

Two hours later we were on our way back. I'd taken the first PEP dose in
the car and would take the rest of them every morning for the next 30 days.

I went to work as usual the next day and Thursday. Thursday morning, when I
took a break from mowing, I looked at my phone to see a text from my
mother. My test came back negative, but I had to stay on the PEP. It was
only a first step to making sure I was safe, but it WAS a huge relief, I
won't lie. The rest of the day was a breeze.

For the next week everything just seemed OK. It wasn't just the relief from
the negative test, it was having Kurt out of my life. I was genuinely happy
for the first time in ages, not pretending to be happy. At least I was
until the next Friday. The hearing had been the day before and that
afternoon at 430 the judge made his decision. My father was granted full
custody and my mother was given Sunday afternoon and evening as her
visitation time. No weeks. No weekends. Just Sunday.

The changes would go into effect when we got back from California. On
Monday, August 15th, Cat and I would start living with my father full time.

We were anything BUT happy about it. Mother and Neil met with Daniels and
another attorney the following week to plan an appeal. I knew it didn't
look good and secretly, I'd already started planning on how things would be
different. Once I turned 18, I was done with this custody nonsense and I
would absolutely move back in with Mother and Neil. I didn't even tell my
father about it, there was no need.

We had decided to go to Laguna on the 23rd in order to be back in Texas by
August 7th so Josh could start two a days on the 8th. That Friday morning,
bright and early, my father called to inform mother that when we got back,
he would be relocating us to Plano. It was easily within the 50 mile bubble
prescribed by the judge. I found out about this at breakfast that
morning. I was still shellshocked from the decision the week before and I
just sat there, eating a croissant, as mother broke the news. I didn't
respond when she was done. She finally leaned over to me, and touched me
and I all could say is, "It's fine. It's just another kick to the teeth. I
can take it."

I could, too. I found myself accepting the idea that I shouldn't get too
comfortable since things would all change, based on the whims of someone
else, as soon as the universe rolled one turn forward. I was going to make
the best of whatever because the alternative just flat out sucked. It
wasn't even about control, it was acknowledging that life wasn't easy and
wasn't ever going to be.

It was like a game was being played with me, crack the whip, and I was just
taking my place for the whipping.

I finished up breakfast and hugged my mom as tightly as I could. As she
looked at me, I said the words that popped into my head, "What he's doing
to himself is permanent. What he's doing to us is temporary."

She hugged me back, hard and said, "No matter what happens, you will always
be my baby and I love you."

Lane and I had decided to go shopping before we left. He picked me up a
little after eleven and we drove into Dallas. We decided to hit NorthPark
first, then we could decide if we needed to go somewhere else. I told him
on the way what had happened with my father and he was really upset by
it. I told him mother and Neil were going to try to fight it, but I was
certain there wasn't enough time to keep me from starting school in
Plano. We kept talking about it until I finally told him that I really just
wanted to concentrate on having fun the next two weeks. Things would get
real soon enough and I just didn't want to think about it any more.

We got to the mall about 1145 and spent about an hour shopping before we
decided we needed lunch. We settled on Maggianos. We ordered and were
talking about stupid shit when I noticed a good looking guy, sitting about
thirty feet away, looking over at me. I'd already looked over to see if
maybe he was trying to make eye contact with someone else but there was
only an older couple and an obviously overwhelmed mother with four kids
sitting in his line of site from me. So, I finally looked over at smiled at
him, and he smiled back, but it wasn't a normal smile. It was like he was
sad.

I pretty much ignored it since not long after the food came out and I was
pretty hungry. I was so concentrated on the food, I didn't even notice when
the guy came over to our table until I heard Lane say, "Can I help you?"

I looked up into the eyes of this guy who couldn't have been much older
than us. He smiled at me and asked, "You're Rob Hallstrom, aren't you?"

I nodded yes, but didn't speak.

"May I sit down?" he asked.

I looked over at Lane who just shrugged, and I told him, "Sure. How do you
know me?"

He sat down and said, "Actually I don't. I know of you. I'm one of the guys
Kurt Perkins was dating."

"The hell did you say?" I asked, indignant.

He cleared his throat, "We were both dating the same lying, cheating, sack
of shit."

I just sat there, feeling my head spin. Lane told me later on that as soon
as the words left his mouth, it was like all the blood left my face.

"I'm sorry," he continued, "I thought you knew and that was why you broke
up with him."

I took a sip of water and looked back at him, "I actually caught him
cheating on me with another guy the weekend of the fourth. I was sleeping
literally fifteen feet away when we was fucking another guy."

"Oh, well, that makes three men and two women that I know of."

"You're kidding me?"

"Nope. Our boy got around a lot."

"How'd you find out about me?"

"Ah, well, that took some time. I figured he had something on the side in
his school. He kept going to baseball games and I wondered if it might be
because he was fucking around with a player. I did a little investigating
and found out the baseball team only had one gay player. When I saw it was
you, I was pretty sure you were the guy. When I went to one of your games,
and I saw him kiss you afterwards, I realized he wasn't cheating on me with
you, he was cheating on both of us. I ended it with him in June. I've been
following you on Facebook... you remember your old, really hot friend from
Austin?"

In truth, I didn't. Then it hit me. Some guy named Mark Ambrose had
friended me after Alan and I went to Austin. I figured it was someone I'd
met at the party we'd gone to and didn't remember all that well. His pic
was really hot and didn't really look like the guy sitting at our table.

He noticed my confusion, "It's a fake picture. I didn't use a real one or
my name because I didn't want him to see it. I was going to contact you
after the fourth when I got back. Then I noticed I didn't need to. I know
this sucks, but I broke it off with him as soon as I knew about you. I also
wanted to advise you to get tested as soon as possible since he had a thing
for bareback."

I cleared my throat, "I know. I had a clear NAT done on the fifth and I've
been on PEP just in case he infected me the last time we had sex." I
glanced over at Lane who looked like he was in shock and gave him a weak
smile. I then looked back at the guy and realized I didn't even know his
name.

"What's your name?"

"Trevor Landis." he said with a smile. "Well, it's nice to meet you, though
I wish the circumstances were different."

"No, man, it's OK. At this point, nothing really surprises me about
Kurt. How did the two of you meet?"

He let out a little laugh, "Well, small towns. I'm from Paris
originally. My parents moved into Dallas about a year ago. We'd decided to
break up since it would be too hard trying to work things out over the
distance. Then, when he moved to Ouichita and was so much closer, we
decided to get back together."

"Fuck. So, almost from the moment he asked me out..."

"He was cheating on you with me and God only knows who else. If it's any
consolation, I think we were his only two relationships. I have to give it
to him, he does have good taste, at the risk of sounding vain."

I laughed, "I was going to say same thing."

"Seriously, Rob, I didn't mean to dump all this on you like this. I really
just wanted to make sure you knew and were taking steps to get safe. I'll
leave y'all now."

He held out his hand as he got up, "If you ever want to talk with someone
who understands, hit me up on the fake Facebook profile."

Lane and I finished lunch and I could tell he had a million questions,
which he decided to leave alone until we got back in the car. I answered
what I could and then asked him to stop because I really just needed time
to think. To be honest, I was worried enough without the added worry from
him.

As we drove back I sent a message to Trevor's fake profile on Facebook and
told him that my father was moving us to Plano in a few weeks and that it
would be good to have someone I knew in the area, even if I only knew them
through our mutual shitbag ex. He responded to call him when I got settled
in. Trevor went to Hillcrest in Dallas so the likelihood of our crossing
paths was minimal. Still, he did seem like a decent guy and it never hurt
to have someone who might be able to get me out of the house for the month
or so I'd be there until I could get my license.

When we got back to the house, Lane went to drop his stuff off in Josh's
room since he was going to be staying with us that night so we could all
ride to the airport together the next day. I took out Henry and then went
to my room to drop my bags. I got on my computer and a little while later,
Lane came in asking if I had a second to talk.

"Sure," I replied. "As long as it's not about Kurt."

"I'm sorry, but it has to be," which caused me to groan. He continued,
"Look, I can only imagine how you've been feeling and what you've been
going through, but you have to tell Josh what's been going on. You can't
put this secret on me especially since I know I'll never be able to keep
it."

I raised my voice, "I never asked you to. I never wanted anyone to know and
you just happened to be there today at the right time. Look, it'll tear
Josh to pieces and he'll want to kill the guy. Hell, what if he just really
fucks him up and then he's got a record for assault. Have you thought for a
second what that could do to him?"

"Of course I have," Lane replied, just as loudly. "But you made him a
promise to talk to him and not take all this on yourself."

"Take what on yourself, and why are you guys shouting?" Josh said from the
hallway. I threw my hands up as he walked through the open door. I don't
think either of us had even considered that he might be home.

I just glared at Lane, "Go on, tell him."

And Lane just glared back, "No, you need to."

Josh, clearly agitated, "What the hell are you two fighting about? What do
you need to tell me?"

I looked him in the eye and every bit of defiance, of the need to keep this
private, melted away. He was concerned and it was a look I'd seen many
times, one that I knew never went away.

I started to cry, because what I had to tell him was painful to admit. I'd
been used, sure, but I'd been stubborn and refused to break it off with
someone I already knew was bad news. Now, I was being forced to admit
something to my brother that I just didn't want to admit, because it made
me look weak and pathetic. I rocked in my chair for a bit, trying to regain
some control. If I was going to do this, I wasn't going to do it as a
blubbering mess.

He finally broke the silence, "Rob, you can tell me anything. Just please
let me help." I could see Lane start to tear up. I started off haltingly,
knowing this was going to change his opinion of me for the worse and there
was nothing I could do to stop it.

"We had lunch at Maggianos in NorthPark today and while we were there, a
guy came over to our table and introduced himself as Kurt's other
boyfriend."

The concern evaporated as his face turned dark, "What?"

"His name is Trevor. They'd been dating in Paris, but then his parents
moved to Dallas and they broke off their relationship. Then they got back
together when Kurt moved to Ouichita."

"So, what you're saying is, he was dating you both?" he asked.

I bowed my head a little, "It was more than that. He was having sex with us
both. And with others. It had been going on since we started dating and,
and, and..."

Lane spoke up, softly, "Rob, it's OK. Just tell him."

I tried to regain some composure, but it wasn't really working, "We'd had
the talk about being monogamous because he wanted to stop using condoms all
the time..."

"Oh, God, no..."

"But he lied to me. The guy I caught him with the weekend of the Fourth? He
was fucking him bareback."

"I'll fucking kill him. I'll crack his fucking head open..."

"NO,"I screamed, trying to regain some control over the situation. Then,
more calmly, I continued, "No, you can't. Nothing has changed from the
conversation we had in the car, I did continued this too long and put
myself at risk by not getting out when I should have. You can't jeopardize
your future for my inability to end a relationship with an asshole."

Josh responded to clinched teeth, "Of course I can. He put you at risk and
lied to you to do it."

"Yes, but I've been tested and I'm negative. Not enough time had elapsed
since the last time we had sex for the test to be cover that so, just as a
precaution, they put me on post exposure prophylaxis to kill any HIV that
might be there. I'm going to be OK." I hoped.

Josh was a mess, his face streaked with tears. He walked over and gave me a
tight hug. "You should have told me sooner," he said, holding me so close
to him I could feel his strong heartbeat.

"This was exactly what I wanted to avoid. I didn't want you to know because
I was weak."

"You were in love with someone who toyed with your emotions and lied to
you. And then you've dealt with the consequences all on your own. That's
not being weak." he said.

I pulled back a bit and looked up into his eyes, "Promise me you're not
going to hunt him down. This isn't worth you getting arrested for."

He sniffled a bit, then let out a small laugh, "I don't know, it might be
worth a night or two in jail."

"Don't joke, Josh."

"I'm not going to hunt him down. There, are you happy?" he asked.

"Yes," then I looked over at Lane, "I'm sorry for yelling at you." and I
walked over to hug him.

"It's OK, you needed to get this out."

They left my room a little while later after I pleaded with them to keep
today to themselves. I didn't want Neil and mother bogged down with this
bullshit. Then, I laid down to take a quick nap and woke up to find mother
sitting on the edge of my bed, petting Henry.

"Hey, mom," I said.

"Did you have a good nap?" she asked.

"Yep, I feel a lot better."

"Well, Neil and I about to watch a movie and there's dinner left if you
want to eat and join us."

I looked over at the clock and saw the time, 815. "Oh, I guess I missed
dinner."

"Yeah, but we left you something to eat." she said with a wink.

I got up and followed her to the kitchen and served myself, then settled in
with them to watch a movie, I think it was called Mother which they both
absolutely loved. At one point I asked where Josh and Lane were and Neil
said they'd gone into town to see a movie.

The movie ended up being pretty funny, though there were a few things they
had to explain to me, like call waiting and picture phones. Neil told me
that the lead in it, Albert Brooks, had some other funny movies that he'd
thought I'd like and promised me we'd watch Defending Your Life when we
were in California.

By 1030 I was back in my room on my computer, talking to Richard over Skype
and filling him on what had happened. His reaction was a lot more intense
than I thought it would be.

"You should back off Josh and let him handle things his way," he said.

"But, Richard, you have to understand..."

"No, there's nothing to understand. And if I was there, I'd have already
beaten that motherfucker down. He fucking deserves it and there's nothing
you're going to say that alters that."

We talked a little while longer until I heard a knock at my door which
turned out to be Lane and Josh. I told Richard I had to go, then looked
back at them and realized immediately what had happened. I saw the evidence
on Josh's torn up knuckles.

I started to say something, but Lane stopped me.

"We didn't go after him, we just happened to run into him," he said. There
was no smirk or obvious indication he was playing with the words.

"How bad?"

Josh smiled, "He's in pretty bad shape, how detailed do you want me to be?"

I was flustered, standing to walk over to him, "How are you? Did he hurt
you?"

Josh just shrugged, "He got in a few decent punches and I'll have a black
eye. But at least I won't be limping and eating through a straw, not
mention feeling the pain of some broken ribs."

I smiled, I swear to God I didn't want to, but I couldn't help it. "I want
to be mad at you..."

"But you can't,"Josh finished. "No cops, no arrest, no one that's ever
going to say anything. He got what he deserved and you know it."

"Thank you, Josh."

He just nodded and they left my room. Honestly, it did make me happy, I
won't lie. Kurt was a miserable person who deserved what he got. It felt
good, viscerally, but it didn't fix the problem I had inside.

I tried to sleep for a couple of hours. There was a pretty decent
thunderstorm going and I finally just got up and went to nuke some milk,
thinking it would help me sleep. After I warmed up the mug, I went into the
living room and sat down to watch the storm. I don't know how long I was
there, wrapped in my own thoughts, before I heard Neil's voice.

"Hey, kiddo, you OK?"

"Yeah, I'm just thinking about some things," I told him.

"Like Kurt?" he asked.

Before I could even respond, he continued, "Your mom told me what's been
going on."

"How much did..."

"All of it. Josh and Lane filled in the gaps from today."

"Well, that makes everyone except Cat."

"You never should have tried to keep it to yourself in the first place," he
said.

I let out a shallow breath, "I know. I just didn't want to admit what a
failure I was and how badly I misjudged him."

"Well, that's something I've been meaning to talk to you about. I was
afraid that might be the case."

I bent over to put the milk on the coffee table, "I just don't know what to
do. I opened myself up and never for a second considered the consequences."

He laughed, "Of course not. You never do when you're in love. You just put
yourself out there and hope for the best. That's what I wanted to tell you,
don't ever give up on that. Don't let what this dirtbag did make you
hopeless and cynical. You're such a beautiful person that you have to share
that with someone. I can't promise you there won't be another Kurt, but if
there is, you'll know to cut it off sooner. If there isn't, you'll open
yourself up to something amazing.

It's like me and your mother. I started to fall in love with her not long
after we moved to Texas. I knew she was married, so I kept my
distance. Then she and your father got divorced, but I waited until I saw
her face when I walked into this room at that New Years party, remember?"

"Yeah, I remember the party but I don't know about the look you're talking
about..."I said.

"You wouldn't, it wasn't for you. I'd gone to my room to take a call and
when I came back into the living room, I looked for your mother. We'd been
having such a good time and I was looking forward to continuing it. Then,
when I saw her, she was talking one of the servers about something. Then
she looked over at me and if I'd been able to I'd have married her right
there, on the spot."

"Really?"

"Yeah. I've only seen that look in the face of one other woman, Josh's
mother. I knew in that instant, I would do anything I could to make your
mother as happy as she made me."

"That's really sweet Neil. I had no idea."

"Well, thank you, but that's not why I'm telling you this. That was your
mother being vulnerable. That was me being vulnerable. We showed our cards
and we knew we were already in love. It's how I knew Josh was in love with
Lane that first afternoon they were together. I took them to get ice cream,
then sat on the other side of the place and watched them. Well, I tried not
to be too obvious about it, but I knew when I saw that look on Josh's face
that he was in love. He got lucky. So did I, so did your mom. You will,
too, I promise, but you have to keep going and not allow yourself to go
hard."

"It's just hard because I feel so stupid."

"I know, and that will pass. You have to remember, someone took advantage
of you and it's not because you were dumb, it's because they abused
you. That's over now. What do you from here on is up to you."

"Thanks Neil. For everything."

"I love you, Rob. I know I tell you that all the time, and I do it because
I want you to know it."

"I do, Neil. And I love you, too."

He got up and I continued to sit there a while longer, looking out the
window at the rain and lightning, thinking about what he'd said. He was
right, I knew that viscerally, but I had to make the decision to not let my
past ruin my future.

As I got up to go back to bed, I realized there was no way in hell I was
going to let Kurt effect the rest of my life. I'd dealt with worse and
survived, from coming out to knowing that I was always going to deal with
anxiety.

And I would survive this.

Thank you for reading. And, if you're not clear on the timing, things about
to turn around in a big way for Rob. Any comments can be sent to
doncornelius69 at yahoo dot com.

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