Date: Fri, 20 May 2016 06:47:07 +0000 (UTC)
From: doncornelius69 (at) yahoo (dot) com
Subject: Re: We Will Remember Them, part 1 -

This story is a work of fiction. None of the characters are real and any
similarities between this story and/or any characters in it and real life
is purely coincidental.

THIS STORY CONTAINS GRAPHIC DEPICTIONS OF CONSENSUAL SEXUAL ACTS BETWEEN
TEENAGE MALES. IT IS INTENDED FOR A MATURE AUDIENCE ONLY! IF YOU FIND THIS
TYPE OF MATERIAL OFFENSIVE, OR IF YOU ARE UNDER 18, OR UNDER THE LEGAL AGE
TO VIEW SUCH MATERIAL THEN PLEASE READ NO FURTHER.

The author retains the copyright, and any other rights, to this original
story.  You may not publish it or any part of it without explicit
authorization from me.


For the next month, Lane and Josh took their budding relationship slow and
easy. Occasionally, they'd sit together at lunch by themselves and once a
week they'd go for a walk together. Josh wanted to make this as perfect as
possible and, being 14 and very mature, that was exactly what he
did. Except that none of that is true and he basically started calling Lane
his boyfriend the day after their ice cream 'date'.

Subtle is never a word that one would use to describe Josh. When he wanted
something, he was relentless. At first, I'm certain Lane was a little
overwhelmed. The night Alan and I first hooked up, I got a text from him
about 11 which I didn't see until early the next morning...

Talked to Alan about Josh. Seems OK with it. Are you? Need some advice.

The next morning I texted back

Of course I am. Josh is really a good guy. Let's talk before school.

Mornings in my house were pretty routine. By this point in the year I
didn't have to be at practice until 8 so I usually got up about 645, took
care of business, got dressed in my gear and packed up my street clothes to
change for the rest of the day. I'd have a quick breakfast and then either
mother or daddy would drive me to school.

That morning when I got there, Lane was waiting out front, sitting on the
concrete benches that lined the platform where the flag poles were
located. He smiled as I walked up to him and I asked, "What's up?"

Lane nervously said, "Well, kiddo, I wanted to talk to you about Josh. I
don't want to get into any trouble with you and I know you two are tight."

Oh, no... "Do you think we're together or were?"

He stood up, eyes cast downward, shifting from foot to foot, and biting his
lower lip. To be honest, I thought it was cute as hell.

He looked back at me and said, "Well, it's hard because I really like him
and I don't want it to turn into some weird competition with you. I know
he's your friend, but I also think there might be something more there?"

Fuck. Twice in less than 12 hours. I spoke in an even tone, trying to keep
the emotion out of my voice, "We can still talk between us, right? No
leaking?"

"Yeah, of course... nothing's changed. You've always been able to trust
Alan and me," he stated.

I took a deep breath, "What you're reading into this isn't what you
think. Alan and Josh are the only two who know this and Alan only heard it
inadvertently, but I'll tell you about that later.

I am gay but I'm not into Josh. To be honest, and even Alan doesn't know
this, we tried last fall and never got further than a really awkward kiss."

It took him a second to process and what he was thinking was hard to read
due to the lack of any kind of facial expression. He finally came out of it
and smiled, "Oh, shit. I'm so sorry. I completely misread the relationship
between the two of you."

I laughed a bit. "No worries and it's completely understandable. Josh is
like an older brother to me, kind of like Alan but a lot closer. I'm not
out and I don't want to be right now. Even if I was, Josh wouldn't be an
option. Romantically, it's just not there... I didn't get anything from our
kiss, but I'm sure you did from the peck he gave you yesterday."

He blushed a deep red and his eyes went wide, "He told you about that?"

"Of course he did. I told you we're as much brothers as best friends. Look,
I love the guy but I love him like I love Alan, that is to say I'm not IN
love with them. I don't want that to compromise our relationship because I
really think of you that way, too. And, to be really honest, it's not you
who should be worried about me, it's Josh."

The confused look on his face was cute, "What do you mean?"

I cleared my throat and looked at him dead in the eye, "I mean you're cute
as hell, I know what a fantastic person you are, and any guy who ends up
with you is going to be one lucky dude."

For a second, from the amount of blood lighting up his cheeks, I kind of
thought his head might explode.

He started off slowly, "You mean you like me too?"

Which, of course, put me in a really awkward position. In case you hadn't
noticed, I'm awesome at putting my foot in my mouth down to my knee.

"Absolutely. And if I knew you weren't already head over heals for Josh,
and if I was ready to come out, I'd date you in a heartbeat. Unfortunately,
I know it would also jack up our friendship and that's where it would get
really hard for me. All I'm trying to say is that you are a hot guy and you
need to know that, to feel it, in your bones."

His eyes misted up a bit, "That's the sweetest thing anyone's said to me in
a long time. Thank you," and he paused for just a second. "Am I that
obvious about my feelings for Josh?"

Ask a straight question, get a straight answer. "Yep. To me and I'm pretty
sure to Alan, but not to anyone else as far as we know. Josh already knows
you're into him, he has a talent for that kind of thing but I've never seen
him use it to hurt someone. Josh is really a good person and I can tell
from what he told me last night that he shares your feelings.

Here's the thing about Josh... he's not a dumb jock. He's very perceptive
and he's smart as hell. He's also completely genuine and very
trustworthy. You can and should be completely honest with him and I promise
he won't let you down."

A wave of relief washed over Lane and I could physically see him relax.

He smiled at me and said, "Thanks for this, I really needed it." And then
he gave me a real hug, for which I was thankful since brohugs with my
fellow homos just seemed kind of, I don't know, fucking stupid now that we
were all on the same page.

About that time the warning bell rang and I took off to the gym after
saying bye to Lane who was wearing a smile that was probably visible from
the ISS.

It didn't take me long to get inside and I almost ran into Coach Adams who
just yelled after me "Two minutes, Hallstrom."

I ran into the locker room and stowed my gym bag and backpack in my locker,
then ran back out to the field where everyone was already lined up ready to
stretch. In the late spring, all we did was cardio, lift weights, and like
today, run drills to prepare us for eighth grade next year.

Coach Adams barked at us to start stretching and he began to call roll. It
was a completely normal day except for one thing... Charlie Graham wasn't
in front of me.

Charlie had been a friend since second grade. We played flag football
together and we'd talked about playing baseball because neither of us
really liked football any more. Charlie made me look positively studly
since he weighed about 110 pounds and was a few inches shorter than my
5'6". What he lacked in size, he made up for in heart (he'd take on anyone
and keep going) and I honestly loved the guy. His home life had been like a
bad roller coaster until his grandmother finally got custody of him last
summer. Up to that point, he'd been living with his addict mother and a
series of her loser boyfriends who were fellow passengers on the H
train. It was when one of them tried to rape Charlie that his grandmother
was finally able to take custody. Once with her, he thrived and his
grandmother even kept his ex-con father from taking him when he came out of
prison in January. Charlie and I didn't have many secrets from one another
and I knew he was relieved when he didn't have to go with his daddy. He
hated the man for leaving them when he was in third grade as it was when
his mother fell to pieces.

Now, Charlie may have been scrawny and small but he had the immune system
of a shark. He literally never got sick and never missed a day of
school. He had been relentless in his chiding of my absences when I finally
came back from my mono holiday, which I enjoyed courtesy of Stacy Michaels
and her talented tongue. He, on the other hand, had a perfect attendance
record going back to fourth grade so him not being in front of me was
something that stood out. Even more unusual was that Coach didn't even call
his name.

When we were done stretching, Coach broke us into a our A and B teams (I
was on A which really had little to do with my talent on the field and more
to do with the fact that I was tough enough to take a pounding) so we could
run plays against each other. It was more like goofing around than actual
football so we had a good time.

At one point A was on defense and I was off the field for a couple of plays
when I asked Coach Adams about Charlie. He just looked at me with sad eyes
and told me, "They're going to talk to y'all during homeroom. I can't say
anything," and his voice broke on those last words. That really made me
worry since Adams, like most coaches, wasn't well known for emotionalism
and he really liked Charlie. Charlie and I often joked about it and the
joke usually involved how much Charlie was paying him to be nice.

It wasn't long after when he told us to hit the showers and get changed so
we all ran inside the gym to get cleaned up. If there was one thing I was
thankful for about my body, which I considered to be average in just about
every conceivable way, it was that I was more of a shower than a
grower. For those of you never played football, let's just say boys can be
pretty merciless about teasing a teammate who is small between his
legs. For those of you wondering, I absolutely did not check out any of my
teammates. I consider that a violation of the trust my fellow athletes have
in the sanctity of the locker room and in their friendship with me.

But that's all bullshit. Of course we all checked one another out. Now,
statistically, there should have only been, maybe, six homos on the team so
that should have limited the number of lookiloos, but it didn't. If you're
dating a guy who played sports and says he never looked, he's a liar.

I was pretty fast getting cleaned up because I wanted to get back to the
main building to see if anyone knew what was up with Charlie. I closed and
locked my locker and began to walk out of the building and ran into coach
who just told me not to go in until the bell rang. I got to the door into A
hall about two minutes before the bell and so I waited until it blew, then
threw open the doors. I first went to the office and was hoping to see
Mrs. Landrieau, the school secretary and the keeper of all it's
secrets. Unfortunately, she was gone leaving only her sweater on the back
of her chair to indicate that she was, at least, in the building. I then
trudged down B hall, going to my locker. As I got close to it, I saw Josh
standing there with Lane and Alan. None of them looked happy and I wondered
if maybe I'd said too much that morning to Lane.

As I walked up Josh was the first to speak, "How ya holding up, bud?" he
asked in a kind of sad voice.

I just looked at him with a confused look and said, "I'm fine... what's
up?"

Alan spoke up next and I could tell something was really wrong. The sound
of his voice and the redness in his eyes told me he'd been crying,
something Alan was never comfortable doing in front of people. "Did Coach
Adams say anything about Charlie?"

I just kept looking at them blankly and said, "Yeah, but it was sort of
strange. I noticed he wasn't there and Charlie never misses school so I
asked him about it and he just said they were going to talk to us in
homeroom. What did you hear?"

At that point tears started running down Josh's cheeks as he walked to me
and hugged me hard. He pulled back after a few seconds and told me
something that broke my heart.

Through halting sobs, he told me the story. "We were in first period and
Dan Crouch said his daddy got a call to go to Charlie's grandmother's house
last night. Charlie's father apparently came to get him and when his
grandmother wouldn't let him, he started to beat her. Charlie jumped on his
back and Charlie's dad grabbed him by the arm and threw him against the
fireplace so hard it fractured his skull and tore his arm out of
socket. The paramedics said he died almost instantly."

I just stood there for a moment. No more Charlie. No more sleepovers. No
more laughing. No more planning for baseball. No more talking about
girls. No opportunity to ever share with him the one thing I'd never told
him. He was gone without ever really knowing me.

I could feel his loss, like a pain in my chest, as I let out a howl and
fell to my knees sobbing. The three of them tried their best to console me
but all I could think about was my poor friend, so small and yet so full of
life, taken from the world so easily by a father who was a degenerate ex
con. I thought of his wonderful grandmother and the pancakes she'd make for
us when I slept at his house. I couldn't bear the thought of the pain she
was likely in at that moment.

About that time the intercom called a series of names to the office and
mine was one of them. I started to stand and wobbled, and would have fallen
back to the floor if not for Alan and Josh. I put my gym bag in my locker
and kept my backpack with me. Josh told Alan and Lane he'd meet them later
and then told me he'd walk me back to the office. I gave him one last hug
before I went inside. There were five other students there, Darnell Lewis,
Tameka Jones, Andrew Lyons, Brett Wright, and Cynthia Williams. I knew them
all and they were all friends of Charlie's. Darnell, Brett, and I played
football with Charlie. Tameka's face looked much like mine, tear streaked,
which told me she probably already knew what happened.

They ushered us into a conference room with a counselor and told us a
cleaned up version of what I'd heard from Josh. We'd been identified as
Charlie's closest friends and they wanted to let us know before we heard it
third or fourth hand from someone who didn't have all the facts. The
counselor asked us if we wanted to talk to a counselor and I just shook my
head, no and said, "Can you just give us some time alone?"

The counselor gave me a tight little smile and walked out the door, Darnell
turned to me and said thank you. With that, I started bawling again which
took everyone over the edge. They say it's good to cry and grieve with
others. THEY are right because for some reason it's good to know someone
else feels like you and shares your sadness over the loss. About 15 minutes
later Principal Ford came in and started writing us slips to go back to
class if we were ready. Tameka asked what we could do if we weren't ready
and Ford told her that she could talk to one of the counselors or call a
parent and go home for the day with an excused absence. She decided to do
that, as did I.

 We all hugged one another and then they were gone. Tameka and I didn't
wait long, our mothers showed up about the same time.

I could see mother already knew what had happened from her face. It seemed
that everyone around me was having a pretty shitty day. Mother signed me
out while I went to my locker to grab my gym bag and I met her in the
atrium in front of the office. We walked to the car in silence... I was
pretty well cried out for the moment and small talk would have been wildly
inappropriate (Hey sweetheart, how was your day?).  When I got buckled into
the seat I looked over at her and asked, "Can we go see Mrs. Jenkins (which
was Charlie's grandmother's last name)?"

"Sweety, she's in the hospital in pretty bad shape. I don't think it's a
good idea." In a small town, world travels fast when the victim of domestic
violence is a sweet and well respected old lady.

"Please, mom? I just want to make sure she's OK and let her know how sorry
I am. I promise, I won't bother her."

Mothe just looked at me with tears in her eyes and said, "OK, I'll take you
by there."

The drive to the hospital was pure silence. Neither of us turned on the
radio, we were just lost in our own sadness.

Before we got out of the car my mother said, "Rob, I need you to be strong
because there's going to be a lot of Charlie's family there and they're
going to be really emotional. Just remember to be respectful."

"Ok, I understand."

We got out of the car and mother pulled me into the gift shop to buy some
flowers. As we rode the elevator she handed them to me to give to
Mrs. Jenkins.

Mother stopped at the nurses station to ask which room Mrs. Jenkins was
in. As we walked down the hall I noticed three people standing, two men and
a woman. The woman I recognized as one of Charlie's aunts and the man next
to her was her husband. They nodded toward my mother and me and the other
man turned around and I recognized him as Charlie's Uncle Roger.

Roger had played for UT, went on to law school and was now working for a
firm in San Antonio. Charlie and I idolized him when we were little. He
walked toward us and I could see the tears pooling in his eyes. I hadn't
thought about it, but I guess seeing me made him think of Charlie. He
nodded at my mother, and lifted me up in a hug.

I buried my face in his shoulder as he said, "I'm so sorry I wasn't there
to protect him, little man. I know how much he meant to you."

I sobbed just a little and he put me back down as I told him, "I know
Roger, but it's not your fault... he loved you very much. I'm really gonna
miss him."

We just stared at one another for a moment and my mother finally broke the
silence.

"How's your mother, Roger?"

Roger let out a long sigh, "She's doing pretty well considering. They had
to set some bones and they've got her on morphine for the pain. She's going
to make it, but it was scary last night."

I spoke quickly, "Roger, I wanted to let her know how sorry I am and to
give her these flowers."

"Well little man, she's sleeping right now so I don't think it's a good
idea. But if you'll give me the flowers, I'll make sure she sees them when
she wakes up and let her know you came by."

I handed him the flowers and just said, "Thank you."

My mother said, "She has my number in her book. Will you please let me know
when the services are for Charlie?"

Roger, a tear running down his cheek, said, "Of course. Thank you for
coming by."

I gave Roger another hug and we left, heading to my house. All I wanted to
do at that moment was take a nap. Mother basically forced a glass of water
down me when we got home, saying, "You've lost a lot of water today, you
need to rehydrate." No one realizes it but crying takes a lot out of you,
emotionally and physically. I don't think I'd cried that much since my
grandfather died four years before and I knew the dryness I felt in my eyes
was a lack of water.

I went up to my room and crawled onto the bed. I slept deeply for about and
hour and a half, exhausted from the morning. Mother woke me up to eat lunch
about 1230 and I took one look at her and started crying again. At the time
I hated myself for being so damn weak... I figured everyone was thinking I
was being a pussy. It never occurred to me that people who knew me would
understand that it was just the way I was wired.

After lunch, I worked on some stuff for school, including a project I'd
been working on with Charlie. I actually laughed a little because Charlie
hated the project we'd been assigned, to poll the school about their
feelings regarding an issue in society. We chose to poll people on their
support for the ARA and President Obama. Our results mirrored the overall
voting pattern in our deep red county and it left Charlie feeling,
justifiably, like people would just never like the man because he was
black.

We'd started receiving questionnaires back last week and as we worked
through them, especially when reading the optional comments some had left,
Charlie would occasionally mutter 'Well, fuck you too... racist
motherfucker'.

I put some music on as I worked. Over Christmas my cousin Richard and I
spent time together when his family came to visit my grandmother. He was a
senior and heavy into Balearic trance. He'd turned me on to Roger Shah and
I'd downloaded just about every song of his I could find. My favorite,
Treasure Island, always calmed me down and helped lift my spirits,
something I desperately needed today.

I kept going back to it through the afternoon and ended up just putting it
on repeat. I was listening to it when my mother came over the intercom to
tell me Alan and Lane had come by. I told her I was still in my room and to
send them on up.

Alan quietly opened my door and I turned down the music so we could talk.

I stayed in the chair at my desk and he sat on my bed while Lane sat on the
chair next to my closet. They both looked pensive and I knew they were very
worried about me.

"Guys, I'm OK... really. I know you're worried about me, but I'm not going
to do something crazy. I just need some time to process," I said.

Alan looked at me directly, "I know it's hard, man. We all really liked
Charlie."

I sighed, "Yeah...".

Lane spoke up, "What about his grandmother? How is she doing?"

"I got Mother to take me to the hospital after she picked me up from
school. She's in bad shape but she's going to make it. I talked to Roger,
Charlie's uncle..."

"The one who played for UT," Alan asked.

"Yeah... he was pretty torn up. Roger really loved Charlie and Charlie
really thought of him as a father more than an uncle since his own father
was such a miserable piece of shit."

Miserable piece of shit. That was the phrase Charlie had used to describe
homos in general and Josh in particular. I remembered the conversation from
last fall and kind of laughed a bit. Alan and Lane exchanged nervous looks
and I told them, "Sorry, I just thought of something stupid Charlie did
last fall. It's actually about Josh as much as it is about him."

Alan looked at him with a curious expression. "Well, what's the story," he
asked.

"Shit... I guess it doesn't matter much now. Charlie made me promise not to
tell anyone what happened to him last summer and why he was living with
this grandmother. In late June, his mom had a party at that shack they were
living in. I guess you could call it more of a gang bang than a party, four
guys and her. They were drinking and shooting up some really bad heroin. At
some point, Charlie was in the living room watching that crappy TV they had
waiting for his grandmother to pick him up. He was laying there on his
stomach and one of the junkies thought he was a girl because he was so
small, and ..."

Alan was the first to understand, "Oh my God!"

I just looked back at him and said, "Yeah. Needless to say, he didn't want
anyone to know... too hard to explain the situation and that he'd fought
him off before he was able to penetrate. He cried so hard, and with so much
anger when he told me about it, I nearly threw up.

A week after the attack, his grandmother was given sole temporary custody."

Lane, his confusion obvious from his face, said, "Wait, what happened?"

Alan just looked at him with a pained face, not wanting to actually say the
words. I saw it and responded to Lane, "One of the guys tried to rape
Charlie. He was so out of it he thought Charlie was a girl."

Lane just sat there, expressionless, clearly shocked.

I started back on my story, "Anyway, he made a pretty decent recovery from
it, except for when he found out Josh was gay. His feelings turned from
thinking he was cool, to calling him a dirty faggot every time I was
around. The weekend after I first slept over at Josh's, Charlie slept over
here. We were talking that night and I finally asked him why all the
hostility toward Josh.

"He got this nasty look on his face and said, 'Did you suddenly forget what
happened to me over the summer?' to which I responded, 'No, I didn't, but I
don't know what that has to do with Josh. That guy wasn't gay, he was doped
out of his mind and mistook you for a woman'. He sat there for a second and
then he started to cry. I sat next to him on my bed and hugged him to
me. He finally stopped, looked at me, and said, 'I know he's your friend
and I promise I'll do my best. I know he's not that way but when I see him
now that I know he's gay, I can't help it'.

"I told him I understood, but that he had to try. Being gay was like being
black, it wasn't something Josh could help anymore than being black was
something Charlie could help. He told me he understood and that he'd work
on it. Late that night he mentioned something about the Christian twins
giving him shit. So, after he went home the next day I told Josh to keep an
eye out for him because those stupid twins were harassing him. Josh didn't
really like it... from his perspective, why would he help someone who was
always a jerk to him? I couldn't tell him the real reason Charlie was so
unpleasant to him, so I just told him he needed to do it because he hated
when strong kids picked on weak kids. That got him on board.

"So, the following Tuesday Josh was walking down C hall and the twins were
pushing Charlie between them. Charlie told me later in the day that he
didn't even see Josh walk up, he just suddenly saw one of the twins go
flying into a locker and heard Josh saying to the other one "You ever touch
him again I'll beat you to a pulp". They scrambled off and Josh asked
Charlie if he was OK. Charlie told him he was and that was the end of
it. Charlie told me Josh had to be a pretty good guy to have stood up for
him despite him being so nasty to him. I just shrugged and said that maybe
he now he could understand why I was friends with Josh."

Alan let out this long sigh and leaned back on my bed. We all just sat
there for a bit, the music playing in the background.

Lane finally opened his mouth and asked, "What are you listening to,
trance?"

"Yeah, it's something my cousin got me into."

Lane smiled, "It's nice. "

Alan looked over at me and smiled. I just smiled back at him, not really
knowing what he was thinking but hoping it wasn't about the night
before. It was absolutely the last thing I wanted to think about right now.

Lane glanced at his phone. "It's already 445. We better be going."

I got up to walk them downstairs to the door. Before they left, Lane gave
me a hug and whispered in my ear, "Thanks for this morning." He said it
loud enough for Alan to hear and he gave us a questioning look.

Lane let out a quick laugh seeing the look on his face and said, "I fill
you in on the way to your house."

After they left I went into my mother's office where she was working and
sat down in a chair nn the other side of her desk.

"How are you feeling," she asked.

I sighed and said, "I'm all cried out for now at least," and gave her a
small smile.

"It was nice of Alan and Lane to come check on you. It reminds me of when
you all were little... you were always so sweet to one another. When I saw
the look on Alan's face earlier it reminded me of the time you broke your
leg and they carried you home. I think he was more worried about you than
you were."

That got a laugh out of me. I remember being in a lot pain, probably made
worse by them 'carrying' me.

For the rest of the afternoon, I kept getting calls and texts from people
checking in on me. Word had spread that Tameka and I had bailed earlier in
the day and some of our closer friends were worried about us. I finally
called Tameka about 6 to check on her. She wasn't doing as well and we
chatted for a bit. Then she dropped the bomb.

"You know I liked him right?"

I thought it was a strange thing to ask. "Of course I know you liked him."

She laughed, "No, dummy, I didn't just like him as a friend. We had started
talking about going together a few weeks ago. You really didn't notice?"

In all honesty, no I didn't. I know he had a thing for her, he'd talked
about it with what was, in hindsight, a really obvious regularity. But he
never said anything about the two of them talking.

"No, I didn't. I knew he liked you but he never told me the two of you had
been talking about going together. Why didn't he say anything to me?"

She was silent for a bit, then blurted out, "He didn't want to hurt you. He
thought you liked me, too."

We'd talked about girls a lot. For him, I knew it was honest. For me, it
was cover. I'd told him I liked Tameka because, honestly, she was hot but
mostly because I thought I needed to keep up the pretense of being
straight. He got over the anti-gay bullshit, but I honestly didn't know how
he'd handle me coming out. It was stupid of me to have not trusted him, but
that was a lesson I wouldn't learn for another year and half.

The realization that he'd been so thoughtful of my feelings that he was
keeping his own on the DL hit me like a bag of rocks. I teared up all over
again, "I can't believe he did that. I told him I thought you were hot, and
you are, but that I wasn't really interested in asking you out."

She laughed, "I kept telling him that. I know the way boys look at me, but
you never look at me that way. I thought he was being crazy, but he was
pretty locked into making sure you weren't going to hate him."

"I'm so sorry, Tameka."

She sighed, "Thank you. I don't want to make a big deal out of it, but I
did want you to know. He really cared a lot about you."

I wiped a tear from my cheek and took a deep breath. "Thanks for telling me
this, I know it wasn't easy."

We said our goodbyes and got off the phone. I went downstairs for
dinner. Normally we were pretty talkative, but tonight it was mostly my
mother and Cat having a conversation about what Cat wanted to do to her
room. I really wasn't paying attention and they both left me alone.

After helping my mother clean up, I went up to what had been our playroom
and was now almost another den. My parents refused to let either Cat or
myself have a TV in our rooms so more often than not, this is where I came
to watch TV.

I was texting with people and sort of watching something on Discovery. It
drove my mother crazy because she thought I was basically using the TV for
background noise. Normally, she was wrong but tonight she would have been
spot on. If you happened past me and asked what the program was about, I'd
have told you I didn't have the faintest idea.

About 8 pm, Josh texted

Talk?

I just responded

Sure, let me get to the phone.

With my mother working out of the house, we had an actual landline
system. I preferred talking on it rather than my cell, mostly because
trying to hold a slab of aluminum and glass between my shoulder and my ear
wasn't easy and usually ended up hurting my neck.

Josh called a minute or two after I got to my room.

"Hey man."

I could feel concern, exactly what I didn't want, in his voice. "Hey... how
are you feeling?"

I love Josh but sometimes he asks the dumbest questions. I wanted to say
'Oh, just super! Found out earlier today that one of my closest friend's
head was bashed in by his father so obviously I'm feeling like a champ!'

Instead, "I'm better. I got mother to take me to see his grandmother and I
got to talk to his uncle a bit. He's beating himself up for not protecting
Charlie."

"What does he think he could have done?"

I sighed, "Who knows... people go crazy when something like this happens
and they don't know how to deal with the grief. So, they start thinking
they could have done something rather than just acknowledging that the
world can be an ugly and randomly violent place and that, in the end, we
have far less control than we imagine."

Josh would throw this line back in my face almost three years later when I
was acting like Roger. People are better at analyzing the actions of others
than admitting that their own are just as deeply flawed.

"Yep." Josh Hastings, ladies and gentlemen! "Did you talk to anyone else?"

"Yeah, actually a bunch of people called and texted. Alan and Lane stopped
by after school. I talked to Tameka and she seems like it's hitting her
hard."

Josh grunted, "I would imagine given how close they were. I've only known
Lane a little over 24 hours and I'd be a wreck if something happened to
him."

I was kind of exasperated, "YOU knew they were together and never said
anything?"

He seemed irritated by my response. "What the hell, Rob? I just assumed you
knew given how close you were to Charlie. He never said anything?"

At that point I told him about my conversation with Tameka. When I was done
he took a second to respond. "Wow. He was a much better person than I ever
gave him credit for."

"Yeah, I just wish I'd been honest. Tameka was his first real girlfriend
and he was hiding it because he thought it might upset me. Just
sucks. Moreover, I now wonder why his perception of me was of someone so
delicate emotionally that he was afraid of upsetting me."

Josh jumped in, "Stop. He wasn't doing it because he thought you'd be a
jerk to him or because he thought you were delicate, he was doing it
because he thought you had feelings for the same girl and he wanted to let
you know about it in a way that would protect your friendship and minimize
any pain it might cause you.

People really care for you. Honestly, I've never seen anything like it. All
day today, Alan and I were bombarded with questions about how you were
doing. I think Willy and Brent got the same thing..."

"Yeah, I talked to them this afternoon and I asked them to pass some
messages on," I told him.

"That's my point. People were sad about Charlie but they were concerned
about you. What Charlie decided to do was care about you and protect you
from something he thought would hurt. A lot of people feel protective of
you, it's not just Alan and I. It took today before I finally saw it."

"Is it because I'm some emotional sore or something?"

"No, it's because they love you. You may be aloof at times and your
compliments may be perceived as criticism, but you come by it honestly and
you're genuine. It endears you to people in a way that nothing else can."

I sat and thought for a second before I answered. None of this had ever
occurred to me and I was having problems making sense of it.

"What should I do," I asked which made Josh snort.

"Nothing but appreciate that so many people really care about you and want
to protect you. It's a rare thing, so don't question it and don't abuse
it. Just keep being yourself."

We continued to chat for another hour before I finally decided to shower
and go to bed early. I dreamed of Charlie that night, a healthy, strong,
unhurt Charlie who was so happy it made me cry. There was a pond at his
grandmother's place where we used to fish and swim. It was a real mudhole
but we absolutely loved it. In the dream, Charlie was standing near it as I
walked to him. The sun was bright and warm and the water, looked clear and
cool, something it had never been.

As I got close to him he reached at for me and pulled me into a hug that
felt amazing. The tension and pain of the day ran out of me and I just felt
buoyed by him.

After what seemed like an hour, he spoke. "I can't talk long but I needed
to see you. You were such a good friend to me, in so many ways, and I just
wanted you to know how much I loved you."

"What do you mean we can't talk long? It's a dream, we can talk as long as
we want."

He smiled, looking at me, "It is, and it isn't. I can't explain more than
that, but I can tell you it's not just you have to see."

I got serious really quick. "Ok, but promise me you'll see Tameka and
Roger. They're both so torn up that they need you more than I do."

He just replied, cryptically, "I am. Don't worry about that and don't worry
about not telling me you're gay. It wouldn't have made a difference with
us, anyway. I want you to promise me you'll make the leap, but only when
you know the time is right. Until then, don't feel pressured or motivated
by anything or anyone outside yourself."

I just smiled back at him. "Ok, I promise."

He hugged me again and said, "I'll be here when you need me. We'll always
be friends."

And with that, the dream ended or, rather, morphed into something else. Me,
but not me now, at a house I didn't recognize with people I didn't know. It
was a party and it felt like I was having a good time. I felt someone tap
my shoulder and that was the end as I woke up when my alarm went off.

The rest of the week went slow but it was good. Charlie's death had brought
about one change, namely that people were being really nice to one
another. At the assembly during homeroom the day before, someone had made
the very valid point that we should all be nice to one another, not just
civil, because we never knew when someone might pass.

Mother got a call Thursday afternoon from Roger who said the funeral was
going to be Saturday at 11 at Charlie's church. I'd gone with him a few
times so I was already familiar with it. I loved the choir, not so much
their minister.

I talked to Richard Friday night before he went out. Of all my cousins,
younger and older, Richard was the one I with whom I could really talk
about anything. He was straight but he'd messed around with his gay best
friend a few times, something that had almost destroyed their
friendship. It was one of the things we'd talked about when he was in town
over Christmas. He liked calling me little dude... it reminded me of
Charlie's uncle's name for me, little man. Coming from them it never
bothered me or sounded condescending.

I told him about the dream and his response wasn't what I'd anticipated. He
told me it wasn't unusual for things like that to happen, that it was
probably just my subconscious pushing through to help me feel better. I
asked if he thought it was actually Charlie and he just said, "Do you think
it was Charlie?"

I didn't need even a second to think. "Absolutely."

He laughed and said, "Then that's all that matters."

I was nervous the day of the funeral. Roger had asked my mom if I'd like to
say a few words about Charlie and I readily agreed.

Cat came with my mother and me and I was really thankful they had. A bunch
of kids from school were there including Josh, Alan, and Lane who all
decided to sit close to my mother. Roger pulled Darnell and I up to the
front to sit with the family since we'd both be speaking. Darnell went
first and talked about how Charlie was playing football. He talked about
his tenaciousness, despite being smaller, and how he'd fight until there
was just nothing left in him. It was how he was as a person, always working
hard and never taking a back seat to anyone. He finished by saying how
brave Charlie was and how much he'd miss him. It was a really sweet eulogy.

As Darnell stepped down, I just sat there thinking about what he'd
said. Roger had to nudge me to get bring me back to reality and I made my
way to the pulpit.

Walking past the casket I got a good look at Charlie one last time. I knew
at that point there was no way I would get through this without crying but
I wasn't apprehensive about it at all.

"Charlie and I met because of alphabetical order. In second grade, that was
how we were seated by Ms. Edwards who I'm sure regretted it for the rest of
the year. Charlie and I sometimes laughed that we shared a brain, but to
those who knew us, it wasn't far fetched. From that first day in second
grade, we were fast friends. We relied on each other, stood up to bullies
together, learned how to make milk come out of our noses together, figured
out how to beat video games together.

It hurts worse than a broken bone to know I won't see him any more. There
have been times this week when I've thought of nothing more than how sad I
am that I won't get to see the amazing life he would have had. And then I
remember that Charlie would never have tolerated that kind of thinking. He
never would have given in to sadness, he would have fought without yield
for life. He was always the stronger of the two of us and he never felt
sorry for himself. He loved his life, even when things weren't great. He
loved his family, his girlfriend and his friends. But most of all, he loved
himself enough to never let sadness or pain drag him down.

And he'd want all of us to do the same."

I walked back and sat next to Roger who hugged me to him.

When the service was over, I followed the casket out with the family and
waited outside for my mother. Josh and Lane came over to tell me I'd done a
good job and that Charlie would have been proud of me. And then I felt a
breeze move through me and Josh asked, "Are you OK?"

It took me a second to find my balance. "Yeah, I'm OK."

Josh just looked at me, "Are you sure? It's like you just skipped a beat."

I replied, with a genuine smile on my face. "Yeah, I'm sure," I said as I
looked over at Roger who had the same smile on his face. He just winked at
me and turned to talk to someone else.


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