Date: Tue, 20 Jan 2015 17:40:05 -0800
From: Eric Morrison <eric_morrison_93@hotmail.com>
Subject: What Now Ch.03 - Virgin no more.

Hey guys!

Steven's story is back! And as always don't forget to donate to Nifty!

*	*	*

CHAPTER 3 - Virgin no more.



Alright, I admit I might not be as straight as I thought. I might be a
little gay? maybe. Or bisexual. Yeah, I'm probably bi. It's this stupid Ian
who's messing with my head. That's totally what it is.

"You just think about it alright? I'll see you after school."

That's what he said at lunch after he gave me mind-blowing head and
practically told me I could do whatever I wanted to him - even fuck him -
without expecting anything in return. I think it was that submissiveness
that did me in, besides the fact that he was smoking hot. The idea of this
small, sexy, energetic little boy with an attitude giving me complete power
over his body was the nail in the coffin of my straightness. The only thing
that came even close to making me as hot as that one sentence from Ian was
the times I would make out with Danny, and that - the fact that my top two
sexual fantasies were of guys - was what destroyed the idea I'd been
holding on to that I was just experimenting.

I might be a stubborn guy, but I'm not stupid, and I'm not one to lie to
myself - anymore. Am I gay? I don't know. Am I straight? Not completely.
For now, all I know is I haven't been paying attention to anything my
teacher has been saying all period and the bell just rang.

Ian will be waiting for me at the bus stop.

*	*	*

I walked out of my classroom and the first thing I saw was Ian. I'd meant
to go find him, but he was already there waiting for me outside the
classroom. For some reason, this gave me a warm feeling in my chest - he
was as eager about this as I was.

"Hey," he said, trying to play cool. I could see the excitement in his
pretty eyes.

"Hey," I said back, moving aside so people could get out of the
classroom. "You were waiting for me?" I couldn't keep the smile off my
voice, or off my face.

"Get over yourself," he said, again playing it cool, but he was smiling
too. "My teacher let us out early, and I just thought it would be more
convenient if you didn't have to look for me. It saves time, so we don't
miss the bus again." His red bangs had drooped onto his forehead and he
flipped them back with his hand. It was sexy.

"And this had nothing to do with you being excited to see me?" I teased. He
smiled.

"Fuck you," he playfully said, and we both smiled like idiots. "Anyway," he
said, breaking the tension that had started to form around us. "I was
wondering if maybe you wanna ride the bus with me and come to my house? My
mom's not home, so we could talk about how this thing is gonna play out,
you know?"

"Yeah," I said quickly. "Sure." He smiled, pleased with himself that he had
sounded cool and calm while I was so eager. I blushed, and that of course
made him smile even bigger.

We both got on the bus, and he put on his earphones while I sat next to him
and pulled out my phone. I sent a quick text to my mom telling her I was
going to a girl's house so I'd be home later, and she texted me back,
asking if it was the girl. I sighed and texted back a simple yes.

After Jake punched me on the nose last Thursday, I had to come up with
something to tell my parents, cause I sure as fuck wasn't gonna tell them
my gay ex-boyfriend's new boyfriend had hit me for yelling at said
ex-boyfriend. I ended up telling them a guy had tried to put the moves on a
girl who clearly didn't want it and I got into a fight with this guy to
defend her honor. They ate it up. Not only did it make me sound straight,
in their eyes I was a fucking gentleman. And now my mom thought I was going
to this girl's house.

Whatever.

*	*	*

Ian got off the bus at his usual stop and motioned for me to follow him. We
walked a few blocks to his house, and I noticed he lived in a not-so-nice
part of town. He took his keys out of his jeans pocket as soon as we got
off the bus and put them between his fingers as girls are taught to do to
defend themselves against rapists.

"What are you doing?" I asked. He looked at me like I was stupid.

"Do you have any idea what it's like to be this small and gay in a
neighborhood like this? I've lost count of how many times I've been
mugged."

I felt sick to my stomach. Poor little skinny Ian walking to his house
every day worrying he's gonna get assaulted. I wondered if he'd ever been
beaten. I hoped not.

"It's okay," I told him in a low voice. "I'm here, no one's gonna jump
you."

He looked up at me with a blank stare for a few seconds, before lowering
his gaze and whispering, "thanks." Then he kept walking.

We reached his house, and the first thing I noticed was how small it was -
much smaller than mine, that's for sure. He unlocked the door with his
keys, and as soon as we were in, he shut the door, locked it, and I could
see his whole body relax. I felt sick again, wondering if this was what he
went through every day.

He led me through a hallway, towards the back of the house (it was only one
story) where his room was, and once we were there he threw his backpack
onto his desk and slumped into the bed. I stood stiffly by the door, not
knowing what to do.

"Hey," he said, tapping the mattress next to him. "Come here." He looked
awfully at ease, considering how scared he'd just been when walking from
the bus stop.

I took a deep breath and laid my backpack next to his before joining him on
the bed. I sat on the edge, leaving space between us, but Ian close the
distance and put his hand on my thigh.

"Relax," he said, squeezing my leg, which made my dick get a little hard.

"I'm sorry," I said, "I'm just nervous."

"You've got nothing to be nervous about," he assured me.

I nodded. "So? what did we have to talk about?"

Ian smirked, before getting up and straddling me, grabbing my face with
both his hands. "I think we both know you didn't come here to talk." Then
he kissed me.

As soon as our lips made contact he opened his mouth, and next thing I
knew, our tongues were intertwined and my eyes rolled to the back of my
head. He started grinding on me, and I grabbed hold of his slim hips. Even
though I'd done this with Danny for two months straight, it was never this
intense, cause I could tell he wasn't really into it. Danny seemed to be
with me simply because he liked the idea of having a boyfriend, he wasn't
into me at all, but Ian was kissing me like he wanted to swallow me
whole. I'd never been harder in my entire life.

Suddenly Ian pulled back. "Fuck!" he said, with wide eyes, "you're a good
kisser!"

I chuckled. "Well, two months of doing nothing but that will give you
practice." He looked at me funny, and I remember he had no idea what I was
talking about, since all he knew about me and Danny was what I'd said at
the party.

He didn't seem to care, though, cause he pulled off his shirt, revealing
his slender torso, pale, smooth and beautiful, then pushed me back onto the
bed and went back to kissing me deeply.

I pulled back briefly to take my shirt off as well, and we kept kissing as
Ian felt up my chest and abs as I ran my hands up and down his back,
feeling every inch of his exposed smooth, silky skin as he started
whimpering. He was firmly sitting on my lap, grinding his hips into my hard
on, before abruptly pulling back again.

"What's wrong?" I asked, out of breath.

"This is too much!" he said. "We gotta slow down." I nodded, gasping for
breath. I was disappointed, but he was right, if we kept going I'd cum too
fast.

Then he scooted back a little until he was sitting on my thighs instead of
my lap, and he started unbuckling my belt.

"What are you doing?" I asked.

He looked up at me from under his bangs, but continued his efforts, now
pulling down the zipper on my jeans. "What does it look like?" he asked,
pulling down the front of my underwear.

"Shit," I whispered. "Is this your idea of slowing down?"

He chuckled. "I meant for me. You can still cum." He pulled my straining
dick out and kneeled on the floor in front of me. He tugged at my pants and
I raised my butt off the bed so he could pull them all the way down to my
ankles. Without further notice, he took hold of my dick and dove down on
it.

I let out a long moan, but I forced myself to open my eyes and sit up. I
had to see this.

Ian seemed to be transfixed, eyes closed and bobbing up and down on my dick
with his red bangs covering his face as he caressed my naked thigh with his
free hand. It was a fucking hot sight, but I wanted to see his pretty face,
so I brushed the hair off his face with one hand, and I kept it there at
the back of his head so they wouldn't fall again.

Then he opened his eyes and they made contact with mine, and as corny as it
might sound, I felt butterflies in my stomach. There was just something
about seeing this beautiful boy with hazel eyes drooling on my dick that
pulled me in. Looking at him, still sucking me off and making sweet
whimpering sounds while he held eye contact with me, I started to feel
weird things in my chest. Things I'd only felt with Danny before.

Suddenly I had a flashback to when I was back in Malibu and I was in the
same exact position. The guy that'd sucked me off that time was one of my
neighbors. I'd known him for years, and I'd always suspected he was gay -
he was short, skinny and nerdy, but that wasn't why I thought he might be
into guys, it was the fact that we used to play together, along with all
the other neighbor kids when we were younger, but as we got older, he
started becoming shy and started looking at me funny whenever he thought I
wasn't looking, especially once I turned fifteen and started working
out. Also, whenever me and my friends went to the beach I'd notice him
sitting by himself, pretending to read a book while he was clearly checking
us out. Then one day when we were already eighteen I was mowing the lawn in
my front yard, shirtless like I usually did, and I noticed this same guy -
his name was Jamie - went out into his front yard as well to take out the
trash. His house was just across the street from mine, and he'd already
dumped the trash, but he was still standing there, just looking at me with
longing in his eyes. Suddenly he realized I'd seen him watching me, and he
got a panicked look on his face as he obviously debated whether or not to
flee in terror.

I don't know why, but I felt a need to soothe the kid, so I waved at him,
and he blushed, but he shyly waved back.

"Hey," I called out, "how you doing?" I don't know why I was being
friendly. I barely ever talked to him anymore.

"I'm good," he said in his small, timid voice. "How are you?"

"Doing well," I responded, "but it's kinda hot out here. I was actually
thinking about taking a break and going in for something to drink. Wanna
join me?" Again, I don't know why I did that, I guess I just felt sorry for
him - the kid needed a friend, I figured.

His eyes lit up like a Christmas tree, and he eagerly nodded. "Sure!" he
squeaked, and all but skipped across the street to my front porch. His
eagerness was endearing.

As you can probably already tell, that ended up with my dick down his
throat and my mom walking in on us, Jamie running away in fear and me and
my family moving out of Malibu and to stupid Cobb. What's even worse,
though, was my mom wasn't satisfied with ruining my life by taking me away
from all my surroundings and friends, she also felt the need to ruin
Jamie's life. Right before we left our house and moved away, she went to
his house and told his parents everything she saw. I never got to find out
how that went for poor Jamie.

Anyway, back to the moment.

As I was thinking things couldn't get any better, Ian suddenly pulled off
with a loud pop and asked me a question that almost made me cum then and
there.

"You ever fucked a guy before?" he asked out of breath, still running his
delicate hands up and down my thighs.

Was he asking me if I wanted to fuck him? Right now?!

"Uh?" I stammered. "N-no?"

"That's okay," he said, wiping his mouth of his own saliva and my precum
with the back of his hand. "It's just like fucking a girl - not that I ever
have, but I've had guys tell me that." It made me wonder how many
'straight' guys he'd had sex with.

"Well?" I said, blushing, "I've never fucked a girl before, so?"

Ian's eyes went wide. "Are you serious? You're a virgin?" I blushed in
silence. He let out a snort. "Wow! A guy like you? A virgin at 18? That
just doesn't happen. It must be my lucky day!"

"What?" I asked, surprised, "you mean you still wanna??"

"Fuck yeah!" he said, looking even more excited than before. "I'll be your
first. I mean, if you want, of course. I offered to help you out, didn't
I?"

I chuckled. This boy was crazy, and I loved it. "Sure." I was smiling, and
he was too.

"In light of recent events, I have to change my plan a little bit, but
that's alright," he said, getting up and walking over to his nightstand.

"What do you mean?" I asked.

"Well," he said, fetching a bottle of lube and a condom from the top
drawer. "You seem to me like the type of guy to take charge, you know, hold
me down, fuck me hard, but you're a virgin, so it might take you a little
bit to get there, but that's fine, I can teach you but you better learn
quick, cause I like a man that takes charge, you hear?" He said all this so
nonchalantly I couldn't help but smile as I listened to him and slowly
jerked my dick up and down.

"Whatever you say, Ian." He smiled and started taking the rest of his
clothes off. I did the same.

We were both naked in less than a minute, and I was left sitting on the bed
with my mouth hanging open. I'd thought Ian was a little skinny kid with a
pretty face, but watching him stand there naked with a bottle of lube in
his hand, I was mesmerized. He was gorgeous. His clothes certainly didn't
pay any justice to how defined and toned his little body was, or how
gorgeous his legs were, thin but perfectly proportioned. I didn't get to
find out what his real hair color was, though, since his entire body was
shaved smooth.

Noticing I was admiring the view, Ian did a little twirl for me, and I
groaned at the sight of his perky little ass. He chuckled. "Thanks."

"I didn't say anything," I replied, jerking a little faster.

"You didn't need to," he said cockily. "Besides, I think you're fucking hot
too." I smiled, and he came over and gave me a lingering kiss, before
getting up on the bed and slumping down right in the middle of it on his
back. "Alright," he announced. "Foreplay is kind of a big deal for me, but
since you've never prepared anyone before and you'd probably be really bad
at it, I'll do it myself, so you just watch." I frowned, slightly
insulted. "What? It's true, but don't worry, I'll teach you next time."

Alright, I thought, there's gonna be a next time.

Ian popped the bottle of lube open and poured some lube on two of his
fingers, before opening his legs and flashing me a drool-worthy view of his
pink, hairless hole. I turned to face him and got on my knees on the bed,
still jerking my dick.

Then his fingers were on his hole, circling it, lubing it up, and then one
of them started sliding in, first the tip, then up to the first knuckle,
then the second, then the whole finger was in. He started slowly sliding it
in and out. I was transfixed, watching this sexy little boy fingering
himself in preparation for my cock. I was panting like a dog.

"Steven?" Ian asked, pulling me out of my trance. I looked up to his face
and found him smirking. "Are you alright?"

"Yeah." I croaked out. My voice sounded so raspy, and ? hungry. I was
hungry for him. I started jerking off faster.

Ian added another finger to his pretty hole, and once they were both easily
sliding in and out, he started a scissoring motion, opening up his hole
slowly. My hand was a blur on my cock.

"Oh, shit," I panted. "I think I'm gonna cum!"

Ian rolled his eyes and pulled his fingers out of his ass. "I knew it," I
heard him mutter under his breath before diving down and swallowing my
dick.

"Fuck!" I groaned. "Ian, stop, I wanna cum while I'm fucking you."

He pulled off but his hand kept jerking me. "You won't last a minute. I'm
gonna make you cum to take the edge off. I'm assuming you can get hard
again?"

"If you keep fingering yourself, then fuck yeah!" He smiled.

"Good. Now give it to me." He dove down on my dick again, and I felt my
orgasm climbing.

I remembered he said he liked a guy taking charge, so I grabbed the back of
his head and pushed him a little further down on my dick as I started
thrusting into his mouth slightly. He was stunned at first and stopped
sucking, but then he seemed to like it, cause he redoubled his efforts and
started sucking my dick like a vacuum.

No more than a minute later, my dick exploded and I filled Ian's mouth with
my cum. He wasted no time swallowing it all as soon as it came out, and
once he had me clean, he pulled off and smiled up at me. "Wow," he panted,
"you really are a quick learner. That's good. Now, where were we?" Then he
flopped back onto the bed and brought his lubed fingers to his ass again,
but before he put them in, I decided since he liked me taking charge
before, I might as well try again. I pushed his hand away, and without a
word took the bottle of lube, pouring some onto two of my fingers. Ian eyed
me quizzically, and when he realized what I intended, he smiled his sexy
smile. "I'm impressed," he said, trying to be funny, but I knew he really
meant it.

I thought of just jamming both my fingers in, since he'd had two in there
himself, but I changed my mind at the last second, figuring my fingers were
way bigger that his, so I brought only one finger against his delicious
looking pink rosebud and pressed gently. Ian moaned, and so did I. My dick
never actually went down, but even if it had, it would've come back to life
from that feeling alone.

Touching another boy's hole would've been unfathomable just two months
before, but now not only was I willingly doing it, I was enjoying the fuck
out of it. It was completely hairless, pink and wrinkly, but surprisingly
attractive, at least to me, and just the feel of its wrinkled exterior was
sending shots of electricity all over my body. Then Ian moaned again, and
he flexed his hole, then relaxed it and flexed it again. "Come on," he said
in a needy voice, "you were doing so well, what happened? Put it in
already." I took a deep breath, and literally plunged in. "Ughn!!!" moaned
Ian.

"Oh fuck!" I whispered. The feel of his soft, warm insides wrapped around
my finger was amazing - it was everything I'd always imagined it would
feel, except in my fantasies it was Danny I was fingering.

I started slowly sliding my finger in and out of his warm tunnel as I'd
seen him do to himself, and then as he relaxed his hole, I realized I
needed to stretch him out properly. My dick was a lot bigger than my
finger.

"Ian?"

"Yeah?" he asked, head thrown back against his pillow with his eyes closed.

"Can I add another finger?"

He started laughing. "Steven," he said, straining his head up to look at
me, suddenly serious, "you're about to put your dick inside me - you could
literally anything you want to me right now and I wouldn't complain."

His words made me so horny I seriously considered just shoving my dick in
and start rabbit-fucking him then and there, but I held back -
barely. Instead, I added a second finger and started scissoring them like
he had, and that sent Ian into a stream of "fuck"s, "yeah"s and "oh, fuck
yeah"s.

I was feeling confident, so I started adding a third finger, but Ian
huffed. "Come on," he panted, "don't flatter yourself, you're not that
big."

I chuckled. It was nice to know even when he was in the throes of passion
he still had that attitude. That was fine, I was feeling good, he was
making me feel powerful, so I went with it.

"You sure about that, buddy?" I asked, taking my dick in my hand and
slapping the head against his hole a few times. "Don't want you complaining
later."

"Holy shit!" he muttered, I'm not sure if it was because of my new dominant
attitude or my dick against his hole. Either way, his hole opened right up
like a budding rose, and I started slipping the head in. "Stop!" Ian yelled
all of a sudden.

I was paralyzed with fear. What the fuck had I done wrong?! I was sure he
was loose enough, he clearly wanted it, I was dying for it, and he'd been
the one to initiate it. "What's wrong?"

"Put on a condom, you shithead!" he hissed, his gorgeous hazel eyes intense
with? frustration?

I chuckled. "Right. Sorry - got carried away, I guess." I quickly fetched
the condom from where he'd dumped it on the bed earlier. I ripped the
wrapper open, and quickly put it over the head of my dick. I started
rolling it down, but Ian let out a frustrated sigh and pulled it off.

"You clearly haven't done this before," he hissed, taking over. He held the
tip with his fingers and rolled down the rest quickly. He clearly had done
it before. It caused a surprising pang of jealousy in me, wondering how
many guy's dicks he'd put condoms on before they fucked him. It only made
me want to do better - to be his best. "Alright - there!" he said, giving
me a condescending look.

"Calm down, man," I said. "I did say I hadn't done it before." His eyes
softened. His pretty, pretty eyes.

"You're right, sorry." He smiled shyly and gave me a sweet peck on the
lips. "Okay," he said, leaning back, "now fuck me, you stud."

Stud? Fuck yeah! He made me feel like such a man. "Hold on," I said,
"didn't you say you were taking charge since it was my first time?"

"I changed my mind," he said, running one hand up and down my abs and the
other my dick, making sure I stayed hard. No worries there. "You're doing
so well I'm sure you'll do great. It's like second nature to guys like
you. Now come on, I'm not used to begging. I'm usually the one guys beg for
- now fuck me."

I chuckled. "Alright, then. Get ready for the best dick you've ever had."

He started laughing. "Yeah, righ - ugh!" He didn't get to finish, 'cause in
that moment I slid my latex-covered dick more than half way inside his
ass. "Motherfucker!" he screamed. "You idiot! Slow down!"

Fuck. "I'm sorry! Sorry! Should I pull out?"

"No!" He panted, eyes closed and both hands fisting the sheets. "Just stay
there for a second."

I stayed completely still, fearing I'd screwed everything up and he'd never
let me fuck him again. His ass felt so wonderful around my dick, so hot, so
tight, and the spasming was like a really tight massage on my aching
shaft. It was utter bliss, and it was threatening to make me cum already,
but knowing I'd unintentionally hurt him made my hard-on wane a little.

"I'm so sorry," I tried again. "You were so open, I thought?"

"Yeah, I know," he said, eyes still closed, but at least he wasn't frowning
anymore. "I should've told you. You need to go slow, especially when you
have a dick as big as yours, but it's fine, the pain's gone, I just feel
really full. Give me a little more." Glad I hadn't caused real damage, and
to be honest kind of flattered, I started - slowly - sliding more of my
dick into his sexy ass.

"Ugh? mhm? like that?" I asked hoarsely.

"Yeah," he panted. "Like that." Then I felt the head of my dick slide
against something spongy, but kind of hard, and it made Ian's eyes fly
open. "Oh fuck yeah! Just like that!"

Holy shit, I thought, I just found his prostate! I didn't need him to tell
me I was doing good anymore - his moans were doing that for him.

"Oh, yeah," he whimpered in my ear, clawing at my back and pulling at my
hair. "Oh, my god, yesss!" He was throwing his head back, moaning and
whimpering into my ear, kissing my neck, pulling my face into his and
kissing me like a wife kisses a soldier when he comes home, sending my ego
into outer space.

I'm such an idiot, I thought. I can't believe I waited this long. Why the
fuck had I not done this before?! If I'd know it'd be this amazing I
would've done it years ago, when I had my first crush on my best bud back
in Malibu when we both started lifting weights together, with Jamie - I
would've kissed him like I'd wanted to when he was blowing me, I would've
stripped him naked and fucked him right there in my bed. I wouldn't have
cared if my mom had walked in on us. I would've done it with Danny when we
were dating.

God? Danny. I wished I could've fucked Danny. I would've been good to him -
even better than stupid Jake - stupid, manly, sexy Jake. Maybe I would've
fucked Jake too.

But this was no time to think about what could've been. I was fucking Ian,
and there was nothing short of amazing about him - he was a little sex
animal. And he was gonna make me cum. Right fucking now.

I picked up my pace, making my hips slap soundly against Ian's ass, and his
cries became even louder.

"Oh, god!" He whimpered. "I knew you'd be amazing!" That sent me over the
edge, and I groaned as I ground my hips hard against him and shot my load
into the condom.

Ian brought his hand between us and started jerking off furiously, and in
less than a minute he painted both our stomachs with his cum.

*	*	*

Five minutes later, both Ian and I had cleaned up, and we were sitting in
his bed facing each other, him in his underwear and me fully dressed.

"Well," I said, "that was?" I trailed off. I had no idea why I felt so
awkward around him now.

Ian chuckled.

"Look, Steven, it doesn't have to be weird, alright? Like I said, I'm just
helping you out, I'm not gonna date a guy in the closet, and I don't think
you want to date me either. We barely know each other. This is just fun,
and if it helps you figure out what you want then that's awesome, but I
understand if you need a little time to think after this. You did just have
sex with a guy for the first time after all."

"Yeah," I said, nodding. He was right, my mind was reeling - I needed time
to think, not only about what we'd just done, but what it meant for me. I
didn't know what to say.

Ian scooted closer to me on the bed and put an arm around me. "Hey," he
said, making me look at him. "I just want you to know there's no pressure
coming from me, okay? We can do this again sometime if you want, or it can
be a onetime thing - your choice. But even if you decide not to do it
again, we can be friends. I'll be glad to help you out while you figure
this out. I'll be the friend I wish I'd had when I came out. Sound good?" I
smiled and nodded.

"Yeah. Thank you, Ian. Really."

"Don't mention it."

He walked me to the door and I went home. I had to walk quite a bit, since
I'd gotten here on the school bus, and I had no idea where to get a city
bus from there, but in a way it was good - it gave me time to think, which
I did.

I'm not a virgin anymore, I thought. I just had sex for the first time -
with a guy.

It was a weird thought, but in a way? it made sense. I'd always known I
wasn't into girls the way my friends were. I didn't fantasize and jerk off
to them like they kept going on and on about, and the few times I'd
actually made out with girls I hadn't been into it, and neither had my
penis. I'd apologize and tell them I was tired, or drunk, if the situation
allowed for it, and I tried to convince myself that it was true, but deep
down I'd always known there's was more to it than that. Jamie opened my
eyes.

Every time I'd think back to the blowjob I tried to make myself believe
he'd come on to me and I'd let him suck me off cause I was a horny kid like
everyone my age and there wasn't a girl around, but now that the truth was
out - at least in my head - I could admit that I had seduced Jamie, and not
the other way around. He was just a little shy gay boy pining for the
football player across the street. He'd never intended to even attempt to
go beyond that, but I had been the one to invite him into my house that
day. I had been the one acting differently - way too friendly, flirtatious
even, and loving the attention he gave to my body. He had been the one that
got on his knees and pulled my shorts down, but only after I'd made it
abundantly clear that I wanted it.

As I turned into my street and saw my house, I wondered what would've
happened if my mom hadn't come home early that day. What if Jamie had
finished what he'd started? What if I'd kissed him like I so desperately
wanted to? What if I'd fucked him that day?

What if?

Oh well, I thought as I stopped in front of my door and pulled out my keys,
what's done is done. All I can do now is try to do better, starting with
not lying to myself anymore. I had to admit who I was and what I wanted,
and I needed to let go of the past before I could do that. I had to let go
of what happened with Jamie, what my parents thought they knew, and I
especially had to let go of Danny. He wasn't mine and he never had been.

I climbed up the stairs, and once I got in my room I ripped my backpack
open and pulled out my binder, turning into a blank page. I'd heard a guy
say on TV once that when you had something hard you were dealing with and
didn't know what to do, it helped to write it down and say it out loud. It
put things into perspective, and it made it real in your brain.

Taking a pen with a shaky hand, I set my hand down on the paper and wrote
down I'M GAY in big, capital letters.

I didn't feel any different.

I took a deep breath and swallowed hard. "I'm gay," I whispered to myself.

It felt weird.

I looked around, half expecting my mom to pop her head in out of nowhere
like she'd done that day.

"I'm gay," I repeated, with just a little more confidence.

I waited a few seconds, and nothing happened, so I said it again.

"I'm gay."

I took a pause, and then I did it again.

"I'm gay."

And again.

"I'm gay."

I realized it was working. The more I said it, the easier it came out, and
the more real it became.

"I'M GAY!!!" I screamed into my empty room.

Nothing happened, and then I started laughing hysterically.

How stupid, I thought, I'd been so terrified of admitting it to myself for
so long that in my mind it'd become this huge deal, and now that I'd
actually said the words, nothing had actually happened. The earth hadn't
stopped spinning, the birds outside my room hadn't stopped chirping, my
parent's hadn't freaked out and thrown me out. Absolutely nothing had
happened, yet at the same time, a major thing had happened - I'd accepted
myself for who I was. It actually made me feel better - more in control of
my own mind and life, now that I wasn't lying. At least not to myself.

I ripped the page off, crumpled it up and threw it in the trash bin beside
my desk. Then I sighed deeply and laid back on the bed with a huge grin on
my face.

I knew I was a long ways before actually coming out to other people, but
for the moment I was happy. I wasn't a virgin anymore - I'd just had sex
for the first time with a gorgeous boy who asked for nothing but to be my
friend and for the first time in forever, I was at peace with myself.