Date: Mon Jul 10 00:43:57 2000
From: AustSwim@aol.com
Subject: Where are you now - Part One

Hi, this is my first attempt at posting one of my stories on the net.  So
please tell me what you think.  I appreciate any feedback you may have and
I will ignore any flames.  You can write to austswim@aol.com

The story is loosely based on events from my life.  I have gone and changed
the names of the folks involved since it would be really easy for someone
from my hometown to figure who and what events I am talking about.

And as a usual disclaimer: Don't be reading this if you're not legally
allowed to and don't go reading this if you are offended by same sex love.


- 1995-

	"Take your clothes off and put them on the chair."
	I do is as he asks and strip down to nothing and neatly fold my
clothes on the chair.
	"Mmmmm, just like Harold said.  You do have a nice body.  You must
spend a lot of time at the gym to get such a great physique."
	I stand there while the man admires my naked form.  I'm used to
this since most of Harold's clients don't get the chance to see guys like
me naked in the flesh on a regular basis.  Well, unless of course they are
one of Harold's more regular clients.  Then they get to see me and my
fellow 'co-workers' as often as they care to pay for it.
	"Are you going to do whatever I ask?  You're not going to
disappoint me are you?" he leers while sitting behind his desk.  I can hear
the zipper on his trousers and realize that he's fishing his cock out.  "I
hope Harold made it very clear what you're expected to do."
	Not moving or looking directly at him I just nod to let him know
that I understand.
	"Good.  So tell me.  How old are you?"
	"I'm twenty-five," I reply looking directly above his head and not
at his face.  I can't really tell what he looks like since his office was
barely lit by the streetlights filtering in through his office window.
	"Look at me when I talk to you, boy," he says as he flips on the
desk lamp.
	I relent and look right at him and see that he's a man of about 50
with gray hair and a thick mustache over his upper lip.  The mustache and
crinkles on his face throw long evil shadows across his eyes and forehead.
He's typical of the men I have to service for Harold: arrogant sons of
bitches with too much money.
	"That's better.  So how is it that you don't have a boyfriend?
With a body like yours I'm sure you'd have no problems finding one.  Or
wait a minute.  Do you have one and he doesn't know what you do?" he smiles
while interlacing his hands across his chest.
	"No, I don't have a boyfriend," I respond with no feeling.
	"Don't look away from me, boy.  You look me at me when I talk to
you," he said getting a little angry when I looked away for an instant.
"What?  You a straight boy or something?"
	"No, I'm not straight"
	"Mmmmm a pretty hot faggot boy I've got on my hands.  And one with
no boyfriend.  So much the better for me."  He pushes his chair back from
desk and I see that his cock is rock hard and uncut.  "Come here, faggot,
and kneel in front of me.  You're gonna lick this cock of mine for a
while."
	I walk over to him and kneel on the linoleum floor.  Then he
unceremoniously grabs my hair forces my mouth on his cock.  Instantly I can
tell he's not clean under his foreskin.  The stench and taste makes that
obvious.
	"Mmmmm...look at me with this big beefy faggot boy sucking my dirty
ole cock.  That's it lick under the hood and get that cheese out for me.
Ugh, yeah!" he grumbles under his breath.  "Faggot boy's not even putting
up a fight.  Just the way I like it."
	It's pretty gross the way his cock is unclean.  I may be strong
enough to take on this man if he got out of hand, but that's not gonna me
paid.  Besides, I gave up fighting a long time ago. I've been used to this
for so long.  I just tune the whole scene out and do what I always do when
taking care of business.  I think of looking into someone else eyes.
Someone who used to make me feel safe back when I was nowhere as attractive
and built as I am now.  At times like this when I'm forced to do things for
money I think about Cal and ask myself, "Where are you now?"

- 1987 -

	I had just dropped my girlfriend, Anna, after a church dance.  Our
friends and I had gone to the St. Augustine church youth dance and had had
a really good time.  I got to dance with my friends and Anna as well, but
there was something wrong.  I wasn't feeling it anymore.  I would hold Anna
and that connection, that current of electricity that tells you that you
have connected with someone special was gone.  Actually it had been gone
for quite a long while - almost 3 months.  Of course I thought that that
was normal for people in relationships and seeing as this was my first
relationship with another person, I thought I was just learning through
experience that emotional feelings for someone else naturally ebbed and
intensified on their own.  That explanation worked for a while, but after
some time I knew there was something more serious at play here.
	Let me tell you about Anna, she is a beautiful 17-year-old girl
with long silky black hair, deep brown eyes, and with an exotic olive
complexion.  She is one of the prettiest girls in my high school.  It's a
wonder why she even was with me in the first place.  Before going out with
me she had been dating a college guy who was a lifeguard.  I had known her
since junior high but didn't really get to know her until freshman year in
high school.  Since that time we became the best of friends and we shared
everything with each other and supported each other no matter what.  So I
guess it was a natural conclusion for our friendship to develop into
something romantic.
	But, like I said, most people would have wondered what such a
gorgeous girl was doing with a guy like me.  I am 5'7" tall with unruly,
coarse black hair, a very skinny frame, and a pimply complexion.  I'm also
not the most popular guy in school.  I'd get picked on tons by even the
freshman football players on the junior varsity team.  Anna didn't seem to
mind and for a while her love and support did wonders for me.  Don't get me
wrong.  I'm not someone weak.  I know when to keep quiet and when I'm in
over my head.  But, I have a strong personality tempered from the abuse I
had to deal with.
	Anyway, so here I am in my car driving home after dropping her off
at her place and I'm struggling to find that spark of electricity that lets
me know I'm still connected to her.  And I just can't find it.  Somewhere
along the way it burned out.  No, I think it was put it out by someone else
and replaced with something not just a spark, but a roaring fire of desire
for someone else.
	As I'm driving along I'm fighting to put out that fire.  I know
what I am feeling is wrong.  I know if I give in and give up fighting that
it will consume me forever.  There'll be no turning back.  But, I have been
fighting this for so long and I'm tired.  My love for Anna helped for a
while, but it is no match for the love I have for him - Calvin, my best
friend.
	Cal, as his close friends call him, has been my best friend since
sophomore year.  That was one of the toughest years in my life.  I had
become an outcast of the Gifted and talented students by snitching on one
of my other classmates, Claudia, for cheating on a test.  The problem was
that when I went to snitch on Claudia, who also happened to be the most
popular girl in our entire high school class, one of her toadies happened
to overhear.  By the end of the day my prospects for a peaceful and fun
year were gone.  I'd endured so much ridicule, taunts, and pranks that I
had become a very guarded individual since.  There was one time when the
class started to chant "nerd" at me while the teacher was at the office.
Everyone chimed in except Cal.  Anna wasn't there since she was not a part
of the G/T program.  The G/T students took every class together which made
an extra special hell for me the rest of high school.
	My reputation never recovered but it did help forge a strong bond
to Cal.  Anytime that I am the victim of some other prank or joke all I
have to do is look at him and I tune everything out.  I look at his eyes
and there I find something like a warm blanket that falls around my heart
to shield me from everyone else.  When we're not at school we do everything
together.  He taught me how to swim since he has a really neat enclosed
swimming pool in his back yard.  Now, we've even gone out on double dates
with our girlfriends to the movies or to the lake.
	Let me tell you a little about Cal and what he looks like.  He's
way taller than me at 5'11" has light brown hair that he wears a little
long, and is a bit more built than I am.  He wasn't popular like Claudia
was back in the sophomore year, but since and on into our senior year his
stock has risen.  He now goes to the cool parties on weekends and gets
asked to sit with the in crowd during lunch.  And even though I'm
persona-non-grata he still makes the time to be with me.
	Lately we've been spending more and more time with each other alone
at his house.  In his room we sit and talk and talk for hours about what
are plans for college are, what we want to do during the summer between
high school and freshman year of college, and just but anything else.  He
never tires of being with me.  One particular time while studying for a
pre-calculus test I had fallen asleep on the floor while propped up against
his bed.  When I woke up he was asleep next to me and I found that he's
removed my book, shoes, and glasses and laid me out on the floor with a
pillow and sheet.  If I have to go back and pick a time when my desire and
passion for him began to burn it was that time when I woke up next to him.
	So here I am driving home and as much as I care for Anna I care
even more for Cal.  I'm crying because I know I'm about to give in.  It's
been too much.  And as I turn down the street to my house, I finally break
down and say, "I love him."  I'd never said it before, not even to myself.
The funny thing is that now that I've admitted it, it's not as bad as I
thought it was going to be.  I'm still alive and strangely a bit calmer.  I
think it's from the fact that I've traded in one set of problems and
worries in for another.  The other set of problems hasn't had time to
settle in yet and torture me.  Instead of fighting my feelings for him,
I'll be dealing with these feelings head on and the implications they have
for me, for him and for Anna.

	I get home around 11:30pm and go to my room and call Cal to tell
him I'm home.  He'd asked me to call him when I got in and let him know how
it went.  He knows that I'm not that great at social situations and was
interested to hear how I made out tonight.  "Hey, I made it back," I said.
	"Cool, how was the dance?" he says with a slightly sleep and husky
voice of being just woken up.
	"Um, it was fine,' I say not really knowing what to say.  I grasp
the phone a little tighter and I start to sweat.
	"Just fine?  Did you at least have a good time?" he responds
sensing something's wrong.
	"Uh, yeah, I did.  Anna and I danced some and we managed to get the
DJ to play some of our favorite songs," I said a bit quickly.
	Cal stays quiet for a second and I just know he's reading my mind.
I should tell you that among other things I'm a bit paranoid.  "Carlos, are
you sure you're alright?  You seem like your not yourself."
	I pause and say, "Look, I'm just tired from the dance and having to
drive the rest of the gang all over the place."  I then add with some
anger, " I guess I should be glad I have some friends who I can drive
around and do stuff with.  It's not like I have many other friends
clamoring at my door for attention.  Claudia and company took care of that
two years ago."
	He sighs because he knows how much I've had to deal with because of
that clique. "Carlos, you're gonna have to let it go someday.  You can't
run around with this resentment forever.  It's going to eat you alive."
	"How am I supposed to get over it?!" I scream back into the phone.
"Everyday, it's the same old shit, 'Oh, look, there's that nerd snitch.
Did you hear that the reason he's so thin is that he's got worms?  Oh,
really?  Yeah, just like a dog.'" I repeat what I had just had to listen to
today.  "You've got it made.  Hell, you're one of them now!"
	"Carlos, I'm not one of them.  What's going on with you tonight?  I
was hoping you'd have a good time.  Why are you focusing on those other
jerks?  Don't let them bring you down."
	I sat on the floor of my room with the phone in my hand and
wondered why I was even thinking about them.  "I don't know.  Look, I'm
just really tired and worn out.  I know that most of the time I can keep
Claudia and the rest of the G/T class from getting to me, but sometimes
it's too much."
	"Ok, I understand, but why let them ruin your night with Anna and
your real friends?" he says.
	Hearing him say that makes me stop and think about how he's now
hanging with them and still talking with me.  Maybe, he's really switched
sides and as spying on me for them and waiting for the perfect bit of
personal information to ruin me.  (I told you I am paranoid.)
	"Are you a real friend?" I ask still on the floor of my room.  I
realize here's a chance to find out how he really feels about me.  We've
never talked about our friendship and what it means to us.
	"What do you mean?" he asks.
	"You say that Anna and my other friends are my real friends.  Are
you saying that you're aren't my friend?  Or are you starting to think like
the rest of the G/T class?"  I say.
	"Of course I'm your friend!  Jeez, where'd you get the idea that
I'm not?" he replies somewhat exasperated.
	"It's just the way you said it.  I also wonder how you can keep
being friends with me and still hang out with them.  You know how they hate
me."
	"I don't let them choose who I talk with and whom my friends are.
I can decide for myself," he says.
	I'm a little relieved but I decide to push further.  "But why do
you hang out with me?  What do I have to offer that you can't get from
them?"
	"I'm not going to let you go just because they are too petty to and
immature. You're someone I care about.  I'm not going to let them bully me
into letting you go.  They know not to push it when it comes to you.
They've accepted that."
	Shit, did he just say that he cared?  I feel like have been kicked
in the stomach by just hearing him say that.  "You... you...c...care about
me?" I whisper into the phone.
	"Yes, I do.  And not all of them hate you.  It's only Claudia and a
few others who just don't know when to quit.  That whole incident with the
test was over 2 years ago."
	I was still stuck on the fact that he said he cared about me.
Considering what I had just gone through on my drive home and then now
hearing this I was left stupefied.  Could it be that there's a chance he
might love me as much as I love him and that he's been fighting it as much
as I have?
	"You... you care?" I stammer again not really believing what I was
hearing.
	"Carlos what's wrong?  You're beginning to worry me.  You're not
acting like yourself."
	"I'm sorry it's just weird hearing you say that you care about me
when I have been having a hard time these past few years thinking that
anyone cared, even you.  Sometimes I don't think anyone except for maybe
Anna gives a shit about me.  And even with Anna I sometimes think that
she's with me only because she feels sorry for me."
	"Come on, stop it.  You're..." he begins to reply.
	"No, listen to me.  How can you expect me to believe for a second
that anyone gives a shit when every fucking day I get blasted?  And then I
see you running around with them on the weekends and during lunch period
and I just think that sometimes I'm going to lose you to them.  What am I
supposed to think?  Now here you are telling me that you care.  I guess I'm
just confused."
	"Don't be.  Remember that no matter what I'll always care about
you."
	"Then, can I ask you why you even hang out with them?"
	"Look, there's nothing to that.  I just like doing some things that
they like to do.  I'm not trying to ditch you but at the same time I want
you to be able to have friends apart from me.  I don't want to keep you
from meeting new people."
	My head started to spin as it sank in that Cal really cares about
me.  I had no idea.  I guess all you have to do is just ask sometimes and
you'll get an answer.
	"But you're not keeping me from meeting new people. It's something
I have to take care of on my own.  I appreciate what are you trying to do,
though.  And I know that you and I have hung out in the past and I don't
want to wear out my welcome."
	"You're not," he says.  "I didn't realize how much my association
with them was going to affect you this bad.  But trust me.  It's not as bad
as you think.  Like I said, it's only a few people and the rest are just
wimps when it comes to standing up to them."
	"If you say so."
	"Listen, I'm going to get to bed.  I have to get up early to go to
church tomorrow with my parents."
	"Fine," I say while I'm now completely floored at his revelations.
"Thanks again for everything...and...and for...caring."
	"No problem, bud.  Goodnight."
	"Goodnight."
	I hang up and sit there for about an hour while listening to some
Stevie Nicks.  Her music is about the only music that I really get into.
Her lyrics hit home and especially after tonight.
	Well he may not have gone as far as I had tonight in admitting that
he loved me, but at least he gave me hope in telling me that he cares.  It's
start, right?

- 1995 -

	I securely tuck my share of the money in my jacket.  I can still
taste the man's filth in my mouth and try not to think too much about what
he made me do.  I focus on the fact that I have to go to the night drop of
the bank and deposit Harold's take of the money.  That's the standard
procedure after going out on a job.
	It's cold and starting to rain.  Since I don't have a car I begin
to walk quicker down the sidewalk towards the bank.  I mechanically make
the deposit and as I leave the enclosed alcove I catch a glimpse of myself
and wonder if I were to see him again if those brown eyes of his can make
me feel safe again.

Continued....

Tell me what you think.  Should I go on?