Date: Thu, 6 Apr 2000 22:22:57 -0400
From: SoQueer <soqueer@hotmail.com>
Subject: A Year in the Life -- Conclusion
This is a work of fiction (Wink-Wink). The names have been changed to
protect the innocent (Nudge-Nudge). As always, this story is intended for
an adult audience interested in Gay erotic literature. If you are not of
legal age--that's eighteen in the US--or are offended by depictions of
homosexuality or what homosexuals do when you're not around, then I
strongly suggest that you find another place to surf. Offence ain't given
if it ain't taken. This story remains the property of the author and may
not be reprinted or reposted in part or in whole without my permission. If
you'd like to contact me, email me at soqueer@hotmail.com or
soqueer@exite.com . Warning: I answer email. If you do not want to
receive a reply, please say so in your email.
Oh, And I'm sorry about the "Chapter Nine" thing at the end of the last
segment. I'm the product of an FSU education. So what if I can't count?
Most of the football players can't read.
Love and a wet kiss,
Andy Deyo (SoQueer).
A Year in the Life
Chapter Eight
Monday morning and back at school! The routine was getting old.
Still, everyone was keen to show off their new tans and to giggle over the
daring encounters they'd had over Spring Break. I was more depressed that
I had been on the pier four days earlier. Perhaps it was bursting Paul's
bubble or finding out that my parents had gotten back together while I was
gone. Maybe it was the specter of Beth looming over me and knowing I had
to sever my relationship with her. Maybe it was all of it. I didn't feel
like being around people, and I withdrew into myself.
I was standing in my home room looking out the windows at the azaleas
blooming when I felt a pair of cool hands cover my eyes. "Guess who?" a
thinly disguised voice demanded.
"Gordon Merrick!"
"Who?" she asked, dropping her hands from my face. There was a
confused look on her face.
"Never mind." I took her loosely in my arms. I couldn't stop myself
from comparing her to Paul. It was awkward holding her, and I was made all
the more uncomfortable by obviousness of it.
"What's wrong?" she asked.
I couldn't look at her. I didn't want to look down in her eyes and
see what was there. "I'm just down," I replied.
The bell rang just in time. We took our seats. I closed my eyes and
put my head down on my desk. I focused my mind on nothingness to shut out
the pandemonium reigning around me. I sank down into the memory of lying
in Paul's strong arms.
I surfaced. The day was clear, and the sky was so blue it hurt my
eyes. The feel of the cold water against my skin did nothing to dampen the
heat burning in my loins. I treaded water and delighted in the feel of
water rushing around me. It caressed me like the hands of an expert lover.
I was directly over the spring, and blasts of ice-cold water rose up around
me only long enough to shock my system. The effect heightened the total
sensation of being naked. My cock was throbbing.
I swam to the island in the middle of the pond and pulled myself up on
the fresh green grass. Birds danced in the old cypress trees overhead and
watched as I tugged and pulled on my manhood. My hand raced over my
erection faster an faster as the tension built up inside me. My whole body
strained for release. I lifted my ass up off the ground as the first blast
shot from me. Steaming hot cum splattered against my face and chest. With
each shot the tension eased from my muscles, and I dropped back to the cool
earth. My breath was coming in gasps, and I was at peace.
I was awakened by the applause. I picked my head up from the desk and
looked at my surroundings. I was still in home room, and I'd obviously
given the entire class a show. I looked over at Beth. She was beet-red
and facing straight forward.
"That's very impressive, Mr. Day," my home room teacher, Mr. Cooper,
said. "Now if you're quite finished we can get on with the role call!"
"Yes Sir," I mumbled.
Joey Daughtry leaned over and whispered in my ear, "Well, now we know
what YOU did on spring break!"
I whipped around and stared at him. What had I said in my sleep?
"What are you talking about?"
"You talk in your sleep, Dude!"
I felt the blood rush to my face. What had I said? "What?" I asked
louder than I intended.
"Mr. Day!" Mr. Cooper shouted in his high-pitched voice. "You've
created enough disturbance for one day. Go to the office!"
I spun back around in my desk and looked at him. Everything inside of
me wanted to shout out, "Fuck you, Elrod!" My body, though, stood up and
slowly shuffled out of the room.
I had to sit in the hall to wait my turn to see the Principal. It
wasn't long before Joey sought me out. "Way to go, Dude!" He shouted as
he sat down next to me.
"Go away, Joey. You're going to get me in trouble."
"You're already in trouble," he said flatly. "So what was she like?"
"Who?"
"The girl who gave you that blow job?" He had the lecherous grin of a
perpetual virgin on his face.
"What are talking about, Dweeb?"
"Man! You were shouting, 'Suck it! Suck it!' It must have been
something else!"
I dropped my head in my hands. Butterflies were dancing in my
stomach. I'd come all too close to coming out to the whole school. At
least I didn't shout out any names. I could imagine what Joey's reaction
would be if I told him it was a guy who'd given me that blow job. "I don't
want to talk about it, Joey. Now go away."
He got up and left, his books placed strategically in front of him.
The little fart had a hard on! What a pig.
I got in-house detention. My parent found out about it, and I got
at-home detention to match. That evening I lay on my bed counting up how
much time I'd spent on restriction during the last year. The total came to
seven months. So much for my social life. So much for my life, period.
My world was spiraling down fast. I was sick of it all, and I just wanted
out.
My old man was sober. He'd quit drinking while he was gone. It did
nothing to improve our relationship. We fought constantly. Well, the
truth is HE fought constantly. I just stood there and took it. I found if
I let my mind drift back to the feel of a guy's arms around me that I
didn't hear him. Nothing he had to say mattered to me, and it infuriated
him all the more.
And it tore me up inside. I was struck with how much I wanted it to
be different. I wanted to like him so much. I wanted to respect him to
hang on his every word like they were pronouncements from God! Instead, I
stood there fantasizing I was in the arms of a beautiful man who loved me
as much as I loved him. . .
So I spent my time upstairs, alone, and daydreaming. I was toying
with the idea of calling up Paul on the sly and asking him if he still
wanted to skip town when the doorbell rang. I heard my father answer the
door and was surprised when he told whoever it was that I was upstairs and
that they could go on up. I heard a soft knock on my door.
"Come in." Beth stuck her head in. My heart sank. I'd hoped it was
Paul.
"Hi," she said shyly.
"Hi," I said, sitting up on the bed and making room for her. "Come on
in."
"I can't stay long."
"What's up?" I asked. She hadn't been to my house in nearly two
years. She had made it plain that she didn't like my parents. Not that I
could blame her, you understand. I felt the same way. . .
"Are you taking me to the Prom?"
That was unexpected, I told myself. "I guess. Why?"
Beth's expression told me that I hadn't responded quite the way she'd
have liked. "Let me rephrase that: You ARE taking me to the Prom!"
"Oh."
"You're not going to leave me with no date, Dennis Mark Day!
Nothing's left but the scrapings, and your taking me to my Junior Prom!
Got it?"
I smiled at her. She could be so funny when she was serious. "It's a
date, then."
She stood up and went to the door. She turned and looked back as she
was leaving. "I hope she was worth it!" she said, and left closed the door
behind her.
The gym was packed. It was to be expected: After all, this was THE
Prom. The Junior class had decorated the entire building in a tropical
paradise motif in some vain attempt at recreating a south-sea island.
Nothing could stop the stark, institutional walls from poking through,
though. I gave them an "A" for effort, but lets face it: There's only so
much you can do with a high school gym that doesn't involve lighter fluid
and a box of matches.
I led Beth over to the registration table and picked up our seating
arrangements. The hostess told us to go get our pictures made as soon as
possible, so we headed over to the photographer's booth. It was terribly
uncomfortable standing there. I felt as phony and out of place as the
tacky bird-of-paradise decorations stuck all over the back-drop. Still, I
gave it my best effort and put on a cheerful expression.
"Thank god that's over," Beth said as we made our way to the table.
The music from the band was so loud I could barely hear her.
"You look good," I said truthfully. "It'll make a nice picture."
"I felt like the prize pony at an auction," she replied. "I'll be
glad to get out of this stupid dress."
I heard a yell behind us. I turned and saw Paul leading Julie over
towards our table. "Hi guys!" he said. "I got the hostess to switch
tables for us so we could all sit together."
"Great!" I replied. I turned and looked at Beth, fully expecting her
to agree. The expression on her face let me quickly know that she wasn't
happy about the idea at all. Paul pulled out a chair for Julie across from
Beth, and he took the chair across from me. He looked great, and the black
tux he was wearing made his dark eyes shine in the soft lighting.
The band struck up a popular tune, and we all went out to the dance
floor. The next two songs were decent, so we kept dancing. Towards the
end of the second song, Beth started leading me away from Paul and Julie.
When the band struck up a slow dance, Beth told me she wanted to keep
dancing. I took her in my arms, and we started swaying to the music.
"What's wrong?" I asked her. Her expression had remained sour every
since her first sighting of Paul and Julie.
"I was hoping we could have tonight to ourselves!" She exclaimed.
"That's kinda hard in this large of a crowd," I replied.
"You know what I mean." She was right. I did. This was to be our
last date.
"Look," I said softly in her ear. "Their our friends. It's only
natural that they want to be with us. We don't have to go out with them
afterwards if you don't want to.
"I don't want to."
OK, then." I said, trying not to let her know how disappointed I was.
"We won't. This our night. Just try to make the best of it. After all,
Paul's moving in a couple of days."
Beth stopped dancing and pulled away from me. "What?"
"I thought you knew. His father's being transferred to Mississippi.
They're moving next Tuesday." Beth was visibly stunned. She had no idea.
"You didn't know?"
"No! Does Julie?"
"I thought she did. If she hasn't said anything to you, then maybe
she doesn't."
"I've got to tell her." She turned to head off toward our table.
I grabbed her arm. "No! Don't do it, Beth. Let Paul do it." I
pulled her close to me, and started dancing again. I kept her on the floor
for the next two dances, too, and only let her go back over to the table
because I needed a breather.
"Howdy, Stranger!" Julie said in a sunny voice when we reached the
table. "We were starting to think you two were avoiding us."
"Don't be silly!" I said in a mock tone of voice. "How could I stay
away from the prettiest guy in the room?"
"Why Mark Day!" She said in her deepest southern affectation, "And
all this time I thought it was ME you were gettin' silly over! I am
heartbroken, you hear?"
We bantered back and forth for twenty minutes or so. Paul got up to
go get a round of punch, and I offered to help.
"I thought you told Julie were moving," I said as we filled our
glasses. "I said something to Beth awhile ago, and she acted like she
didn't know anything about it."
"I haven't," he said softly.
"Why not?"
Paul looked up at me. "I can't."
"Don't you think she's going to suspect something the next time she
calls your number and finds out it's been disconnected?"
"I'm going to tell her tonight."
"Bad move, Dude."
"It's too late now," he said. "I got no choice."
"Damn"
"Will you and Beth come to breakfast with us? I'd like for you to be
there when I tell her."
Damn Beth! She had made me promise we wouldn't go out with them. "I
can't. Beth made me promise I'd take her out alone tonight."
"Oh." Paul's shoulders sank. "I was hoping we could spend some time
together tonight." His eyes flashed up at me. "Just you and I."
I sat the drink I was holding down on the table and put my hand on his
shoulder. "I'll see what I can do."
Paul's expression brightened. "Great. Thanks, man."
Julie was unusually quiet when we got back. I looked over at Beth,
and she wouldn't look me in the eyes. I knew something was wrong, but a
drum roll sounded and the lights went up before I could find out what.
"Ladies and Gentlemen!" A voice boomed out over the crowd. "For some
of you, this is a celebration of a new way of life that's about to begin.
We here at Thomas County Central High School would like to take this
opportunity to honor all the graduating seniors! And furthermore, we'd
like to recognized all the achievement . . . " and so on, and so on, and so
on. Puke! I've no doubt that every graduating class in history was told
at some time that THEY were the greatest class ever in the history of their
school. I was a Junior. None of what was being said applied to me, and I
could care less about a single senior in the entire room (with the possible
exception of a few of the football players. . . ) Imagine my shock, when I
heard a loud, booming voice call out, "Miss Elizabeth Dawson and Mr. Mark
Day!"
"W-What?" I asked over the applause.
Paul clapped me on the back. "They've just announced that you and
Beth have been selected for the spotlight dance! Way to go, Dude!"
I looked over at Beth. She was as stunned as I was. I took her hand
and stood up. Immediately the spotlight found us and blinded me. I stuck
my hand up to shade my eyes, and I lead Beth back out to the dance floor.
The band struck up an old favorite, and we started dancing. I pulled Beth
close to me, and I concentrated on trying not to make a fool of myself. As
the song played on, I became aware of others dancing just outside of the
circle of light. I could feel their eyes on us, and the image came to mind
of cartoons where the hero is traveling through dense jungle and little
eyes peer everywhere out of the darkness. It was NOT a pleasurable
experience.
At last, the dance came to an end. I lead Beth back toward our table
in an embarrassed silence. As we approached our section, I heard Julie
yell something at Paul and she stormed passed me. I turned to Julie and
said, "Go after her. See what's wrong!"
There was nothing I could do for Julie. I walked over to the table
where Paul sat with his head buried in his hands. I plopped down in the
chair next to him.
"Bitch of a night, ain't it?" I asked. The people sitting near us
were all averting their eyes. They'd caught the whole thing. I put my
hand on Paul's, and said, "Let's go get a little fresh air."
Paul looked up and nodded his head. We walked out of the side door of
the building and went outside. A crowd of smokers had gathered by the
entrance to enjoy a cigarette break, so Paul and I kept walking. We went
around to the back of the building and, thankfully, we found ourselves
alone. I leaned against the building and watched Paul pace.
"What happened?" I asked, but I already knew. Beth had told her
about Paul even after I'd asked her not to do so.
"Beth told her."
"And she's pissed, right?"
Paul turned and looked at me. "Royally," he answered. "I hurt her."
"I'd have been hurt, too, Paul."
He came closer. "I could never do that to you."
He was so close. I wanted to take him in my arms and hold him. The
warm, spring night air was perfect, and I knew this was our last chance.
Still, we both had dates inside the building, and there were people
everywhere. It just wasn't safe.
Paul reached up and his fingers gently traced the outline of my face.
"I was jealous while ago," he said softly.
"Why?"
"I wanted that dance."
I looked down. "Paul, I "
He pulled me to him in a tight hug. His lips found mine, and, for the
first time in over four months, he kissed me. All my fears melted in the
heat of his embrace. My mouth opened, and our tongues found each other.
I didn't hear the rustle of grass behind us, but Paul did. He broke
away from me suddenly, and turned around. He covered me in an attempt to
hide who he was kissing. It didn't help, though. I was looking Beth
square in the face.
---------------------------------------
"Shit!" I yelled as I watched Julie's car speeding out of the parking
lot. Julie wasted no time in getting away, and she took Beth with her. I
tried to think of what to do, but my head was spinning. She'd seen us, and
there was no way I was going to convince her she hadn't seen what she had
seen. Paul and I were kissing, and that was all there was to it.
I heard footsteps approaching. I turned to see Paul. He was shaking.
"We're screwed, Dude!" I said.
"What are we going to do?" He asked. He was near hysteria with
panic.
"Nothing," I replied. "There's nothing to be done. You're leaving in
a couple of days, and I'll face whatever happens."
He was crying now. "I'm so sorry, Mark."
"What's done is done, Paul. It's my own fault, anyway. I should've
broken it off with her months ago. I just didn't have the courage." I
walked over to where Beth had gotten into the car just moments earlier.
Maybe it was for the best, I told myself. . .
"But what are you going to do?"
I looked at him. He was in no shape to go back inside and face the
crowd. To tell the truth, neither was I. "I'm hungry. Wanna go get some
breakfast?"
Paul let out a little laugh. Something about the tone of my voice had
been just silly enough to break up the weight hovering over us. He gave me
a big smile, and said, "Yeah. I'd love to. Besides, it looks like I lost
my ride."
I gave him a sly glance. "Our dates left together, Paul. You think
that means something?"
He patted me on the back. "Maybe they're lesbians?"
Paul and I climbed into the car, and we went to an all-night caf‚.
We must have looked strange two teenagers decked out in rented tuxedos, no
dates in sight, amid all the greasy truckers sitting around the place. I
understood at that moment what it would mean to be gay and live in a small,
southern town. I'd always stand out. No matter what I did or where I
went, I'd always raise a few eyebrows. Sitting there, listening to Paul
trying to cheer us both up, I became self-conscious of how very different I
was from my surroundings . . . And I liked it !
Paul stopped talking.
"What?" I asked.
"You're not bummed out about this, are you?" he asked.
"No. Not really," I answered. The waitress brought our plates out to
us. I looked up at her and gave her a wink. "Thanks, Darlin'!"
"Thanks yourself, young man." She looked the two of us over for a
moment. "Where's your dates, Boys?"
"I had a fight with mine," Paul answered, "and Cassanova over here got
caught kissing someone else's date."
She gave me a little nudge. "And here you are winkin' at me? Honey,
you must be somethin' else!"
"Oh, he is!" Paul exclaimed. "And he's a great kisser, too."
I felt the color rise up over my collar and spread all over my face.
"So, what are you going to say to her?" Paul asked as we walked to
the car.
"What can I say?" I asked as I opened his door. "I can't very well
tell her she was mistaken, can I?"
"I don't suppose so," he replied. "Do you think she'll tell anyone?"
I walked around and got in on the driver's side. "Are you kidding?
Who WON'T she tell?"
"I just I'm sorry, Mark. I didn't mean for this to happen."
I thought back to the same words I'd said to my mother a couple of
months earlier. I knew exactly how he felt. I reached over and gently
placed my hand on top of his. "Paul, I can't change what happened. To be
honest with you, I don't want to change it. I'd wanted to kiss you all
night, and if Beth saw us, she saw us. I'm not going to throw away this
time with you trying to breath tomorrow's air. This might be the last time
we see each other. Let's just make the best of it, OK?"
Paul squeezed my hand. "Deal!"
"Deal!"
We drove out to M & M's. I'd had my first contact with Paul at this
desolate place, and it seemed fitting that our last time together would be
there, as well. The warm night air was pleasant, and we rode with the
windows down. Paul had taken off his tie and cummerbund, and his shirt was
open to his navel. The wind whipped it open from time to time, and the
lights from the dashboard gave me dim little glimpses of his warm skin.
I pulled the car up behind the house. There was no moon that night,
and the skies were filled with billions of glittering stars. Paul and I
got out of the car and lay back on the hood of the car. We lay there
silently watching the stars move over our heads and took in our place in
the scheme of things.
"Mark?" Paul asked in a soft voice.
"Yes?"
"Does it mean it mean you're queer if you're in love with guy?"
"Not if you're a girl," I said with a chuckle.
"You know what I meant. Does it?"
I didn't want to answer that question. I knew full well what he was
saying, and I didn't want to hear it. Paul was leaving in a two days. "It
sounds that way," I replied.
Paul lifted himself up and put his hand on my chest. "Are you in love
me?" He asked.
I looked in his eyes. There was only one honest answer to that
question. "I-I suppose. In a way I guess I do love you."
"But you're not IN love with me, are you?"
"No, I'm not." I'd said it. I'd been honest with him.
Paul took his hand off my chest and lay back on the hood. He was
silent for a long while. "I'll settle for that," I heard him softly say.
This time I was the one who lifted himself up. "No, Paul! Don't ever
'settle' for anything when love's involved. You're a fantastic guy. I'm
just not in love with you. It was like you said at the first: We're just
two guys helping each other out. I'm not the one for you, you'll see.
You'll find someone better."
"I don't want anyone better than you," he whispered. He turned his
head and looked at me. "I want you."
Paul sat up and put his elbows on his knees. "Do you know when I fell
in love with you?"
"No."
"It was the first time we came here. I wanted to touch you so bad.
It scared the hell out of me. I couldn't take my eyes off of you."
I chuckled. "Me too. I thought there was something wrong with me."
Paul leaned back and lay next to me. He gently stroked my face with
the back of his hand. "There's nothing wrong with you. Nothing. You're
perfect."
I reached up behind his head and pulled his lips to mine. I couldn't
give Paul the love he needed, but I could give him my warmth. I took him
in my arms, and I yielded myself up to him.
It felt like Paul was tearing my insides out when he entered me. I
lay back on the hood of my mother's car and let him push his way into my
ass. Paul took his time, letting me grow accustomed to the size of his
manhood before continuing his onslaught on my virgin ass. The pain eased,
and I gave him a slight nod. Paul took my cue and pushed the rest of the
way inside me. His cock felt enormous, and I'd never felt so full in my
entire life.
Paul reached up and stroked my face. His fingers felt so gentle. I
turned my head and kissed the palm of his hand, rejoicing in the sweetness
of his caress. The tenderness of his touch was only heightened by the
brutality with which his erection pounded into me.
And pound he did. Paul's hips thrust wildly against me. I could hear
his flesh slapping against mine with each lunge. Paul let out a grunt each
time he slapped against me, and the effort of fucking me soon had him
drenched with sweat. Every muscle in Paul's taught body strained with the
need for release. He hammered his way into me, his cock ramming deeper and
deeper with each plunge.
Paul's insistent thrusts had me whimpering. The engorged head of his
prick pushed against my prostrate, and my own cock was aching to blast it's
load. Paul's eyes were locked on mine, and he looked at me with such
intensity. Paul wasn't 'fooling around' this time. He was serious. Paul
was making love to me.
All too soon Paul cried out and thrust himself deep inside me. I was
lifted off the hood by his last lunge, and I could feel the throbbing head
of his cock pressed hard against my prostrate. My dick bounced and danced
on my stomach, spewing its cum across my chest. My whole body shook from
the sensation.
Paul ran his hand across my belly and spread my hot cum over my chest.
He held me in that position long after we'd both gone soft. His hand
tenderly savored the feel of my skin, his fingers teasing my nipples with
each pass. His face had lost the intense expression it had carried during
sex, but there was still fire in his eyes.
"What are you thinking?" I asked as I pulled myself up. Paul seemed
reluctant to let me go.
"That I'll never see you again." He was speaking just above a
whisper. "That everything about you feels right, and I can't understand
why this is happening."
I pulled Paul close and kissed him. There was nothing I could say to
him.
Paul and I made love again before the sun came up. We sat naked in
the car watching the world around us change as it passed from dark to
light. My mind kept running over the old adage that says, "It's darkest
just before the dawn." It's true.
We got dress and drove slowly back to town. I pulled up in the
driveway at Paul's house and switched the engine off. "Am I going to see
you again before you leave?" I asked.
"No." He said without looking at me.
"Oh."
Paul looked up at me. There were tears in his eyes. We sat there and
looked at each other for the longest time. Neither of us wanted the moment
to end.
"What the hell!" He said. "If I'm queer, I'm queer!" And he reached
over and kissed me.
"I love you," he said. He got out of the car and went inside. I
never saw him again.
It was nearly eight o'clock when I got home. I was exhausted, but not
from a lack of sleep. The emotional roller coaster I'd been on for the
last year had finally caught up with me. At that moment I didn't care
about anything. I just wanted to go hide. It made the sight of my father
standing in the doorway seem all the more ironic.
"I guess you feel you're a man now, huh?" He demanded. "The big man
got to stay out all night by himself!"
I stood there looking at him without saying anything. To tell the
truth, I couldn't think of anything to say. He took my silence as a
challenge. The longer I kept quiet the angrier he grew. I could see the
fury rising up inside him, but it didn't matter anymore. I pushed my way
passed him into the house.
"You too cute to speak?" He asked from behind me.
I stopped but didn't turn to face him. "I had a great time, Dad.
Thanks for asking. Your concern is really touching."
"You can just can that attitude, Mister. You think you're man enough
to take me?"
"I don't give a shit." I mumbled. I'd said it aloud without
thinking. I guess I was more tired than I realized. There was one,
never-shifting rule in our house: No profanity. The only one aloud to cuss
was my father, and that was only because he thought he was god.
"What did you say?"
Damn! "I said I didn't give a rip."
He grabbed me by the arm and spun me around. "Look at me when I'm
talking to you, boy! What did you say?"
"I said I didn't give a rip!"
"That's not what you said! You know I don't allow that kind of talk
in my house!"
"Unless you're the one using it!" I shot back. "Where do you think I
learned it? How many times have you called me a little shit? Oh! And
don't leave out asshole, and dipshit, and bastard, and jackass, and
fuckwad! I learned it all from you, DAD!"
He grabbed me by the collar and lifted me to my toes. "I ought kick
your ass, you little son of a bitch!"
"Hypocrite!"
That did it! He was growling at me now. His hands were tightening
around my neck. "Why can't you be more like your brother? He never gave
me any trouble!"
"Is that why you hate me?" If I was going to die, I told myself, at
least I'd die with a clear conscience. His grasp lessened. "Is it? Is it
because I'm not Todd? Is that why you hate me?"
His hands dropped to his sides. "I don't know what you're talking
about."
"You know, I'd have given anything to make you like me." I turned and
headed up the stares. He was saying something to me, but I couldn't hear
him. As I reached the top stare, he was shouting. I have no idea what he
said. It didn't register anymore. My mother was standing in the door to
her bedroom. I nodded to her and went into me room, closing the door
firmly behind me. I couldn't sleep. I tossed and turned all night. There
was so many things pressing in on my mind, and at times, it seemed as if my
head would explode. Twice, I forced my mind blank. I forced my eyes
closed and concentrated on relaxing my muscles. Without warning, I'd think
of something I'd wish I'd said to Paul before he left.
I got out of bed and walked over to the window. A thick fog had
settled on the town. I flung the window open, and hung out far enough to
breath the thick, damp air. After a half an hour, my thoughts had died
down enough to try sleep again. I closed the window and climbed under the
covers.
I was on the beach again. My reflection was nowhere in sight. I
walked up and down several dunes looking for him but soon gave up. I
walked over to the seaward side of the dunes and sat down. Off in the
distance I could see a figure approaching. He kept looking out to sea, so
I couldn't see his face. I felt my heart racing as he approached.
He walked up in front of me. His broad shoulders were outlined
against the dark, grey skies. A fine rain was falling, but the wind still
whipped his blond hair around. His wet clothes clung to his body. I stood
up, and went closer to him.
He was holding something in his hands, but I couldn't see what it was.
I could hear his voice, but I couldn't make out what he was saying. His
words were echoing like thunder over the water. He walked out into the
water up to his waist. He fumbled with something, and as he turned, I saw
sand passing through his fingers. He rinsed his hands in the salt water,
and turned to leave. I saw his face . . .
I'd seen this guy in a dozen dreams, but this was the first time I'd
seen his face. I felt my heart stop. My body dissolved and became
something new. His face! His eyes! The look in his eyes! I knew that
look. I knew the sadness. I knew the loss. I knew the need.
"Come," I heard my reflection say from behind me. "Let him have his
privacy. You've seen enough."
"I want to stay."
"You can't. It's time to go back."
"I want to stay."
I felt his cool hand on my shoulder, and I knew he was right. I
turned, and we made our way back to my secret place at Beasley's Pond. The
green of the place enveloped us. Flowers bloomed along the shore, and the
sun shone brightly through the pines.
"But I got to see his face!" I said, and I woke up. Birds were
singing outside. I got up and looked out the window. "I got to see his
face."
But the dream faded as soon as I said it. I tried to remember it, but
I couldn't. I could only remember his eyes. A Year in the Life Epilogue
Paul was gone. School ended. Life went on. My father and barely
spoke to each other. My mother hid her head in the sand. I got by the
best way I could. The Monday after school let out for summer break I was
working in our yard. The best advertisement for lawn-care is your own
yard, and I had plans to earn a lot of money that summer. Still, it was a
blistering hot day, and I was seriously considering giving up on it.
I heard someone walk up behind me. There was sweat running down in my
eyes, and I couldn't see. "I'm going to start on the flowerbeds in the
front when I finish her," I said, thinking it was my mother behind me.
"Very industrious!" I heard Beth say. I spun around to look at her.
"I guess it goes with the territory, huh?"
"How've you been?" I asked. It was the first time she'd been this
close to me since the Prom.
"Miserable. How have you been?"
"Paul's gone," I said flatly. It was the wrong thing to say. I saw
the tension pass through her. "Otherwise, everything's the same."
"Not quite," she said.
I stood up and pawed the ground with my foot. I didn't know what to
say.
"Why didn't you tell me?" She demanded.
"I wanted to. . ."
"But you didn't. Do you have any idea how embarrassing that was?"
"Yeah, I do." It wasn't what she wanted to hear. "I'm sorry, Beth."
She paused to gather her thoughts. This obviously wasn't going the
way she planned. "I guess all I wanted to know was why you didn't tell
me," She said. "OK! So I'm not the great love of your life! I'd have
thought we were good enough friends, though, that you'd tell me about
something like this!"
Despite myself I chuckled. "What was I supposed to say? 'Uh, you're
great, Beth, but I've got a thing about your best friend's boyfriend?'
Somehow, I didn't think that would've gone over too well."
"You could've tried."
Damn. She was hurt not by my unfaithfulness but by my lack of trust.
"You don't know how much I wanted to tell you. I've needed to talk about
what I was going through, but to who?"
"You ARE gay, right?"
I nodded. "Deep, dyed-in-the-wool, I'm afraid."
"When did you know? When did you figure it out?"
"Christmas," I answered. "That's why I hid from you that first day
back at school. I was scared everybody would look at me and know."
"You know what's funny?" She asked with a giggle. "Julie tried to
tell me Paul had a thing for you. I didn't believe her."
I was stunned. "You mean she knew? How?"
"Apparently, he told her he had a thing for guys when they first met.
She was trying to make him straight."
That little shit! "And you knew about him?"
"Of course, silly. Julie tells me everything."
"Did you tell her about seeing us kissing?"
"No. Just because she tells me everything, it doesn't mean I tell her
everything." She looked me in the eyes. "I couldn't do that to you."
I had to look away. "Uh, thanks."
"Mark," she said plaintively, "the reason I came over was to tell you
I still want us to be friends. I miss you."
"I miss you to, Beth."
She smiled and then kissed me on the cheek. She spun on her heals and
left. She was going to make some guy a great wife, I told myself.
Something inside me rose up and said playfully that she wouldn't make as
good of a wife as I would, though.
I bent down, picked up the trowel, and started digging in the
flowerbed again. A line from a Pink Floyd song kept echoing through my
mind: "Ticking away the moments that make up a dull day/You fritter and
waste the hours in an off hand way/Kicking around on a piece of ground in
your home town/Waiting for someone or something to show you the way."
"Enough!" I said to the world. I took off my gloves, dusted myself
off, and went through the hedgerows toward the convenience store for a
coke. "What a way to start out a summer!" I told myself. "I gotta get me
a love life!"
After all, said Scarlett. Tomorrow is another day!
I still seek the dream of one
who'll find in me that thing
that'll make him want to stay
Neither Master nor my Slave
A Boy inside a Man who needs
to play with Boys inside
the souls of grownup Men
Perhaps just one with eyes
that flash with fire as Sunlight fades
Just one who holds the promise of
the Graying of our Years
Two lives lived as One
Two boys playing House
while making "Home"
The dream of "One plus One is One"
3-07-08-97
(Author's Note: Now go read Michael's Ghost. That was a very eventful coke.)