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* "NEW TO TEACHING LOVE" *
* (part 17) *
* by Vince Water October 17, 2005 *
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| Copyright 2005-2006 by Vince Water Corrected 5/06 |
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I take a sip of coffee while keeping my eyes on the road. Jesse takes the
Styrofoam cup from me with my muttered thanks. Winna has already finished her
coffee. We'd forgone breakfast this morning so the caffeine will help us face
what today will bring. They'll be visiting with Jake again; I won't. I've not
mind spoken with Jes to let him know yet.
No one has said much since leaving that donut shop in Mission. Winna is
trying to conserve her strength. She must not have slept much last night.
There are dark bags below her eyes and the age lines on her face have joined
like river tributaries that run with fatigue and stress. Her eyes are bright.
I see her determination to convince Jake to come back home with us.
:Are you tired?: Asks Jesse.
He's asking me? :A little.: I've been guarding my thoughts and it concerns
him. He drops his eyes to the cup of coffee he's holding for me in his lap. I
gesture to take another sip and our fingers brush. No attempt by him to Peek
into my head; he just wanted to touch me. I wanted that too.
A loud crunch is heard in Winna's hand. That draws our attention where we
see the remains of her crushed Styrofoam cup. She casts an angry gaze at both
of us. What did we do?
:Nothing, love. She's mad at Jake.:
I'm not so sure. Jes takes the cup back from me when I turn left onto
Rosebud Road. My thoughts are in a turmoil. Nothing was resolved last night
when I vented my own anger at Jake. Thinking about all the grievances I have
with him didn't help.
"I think I know why Jake doesn't want me to bring him home."
My eyes shoot to Winna's which reveal that she is angry at us. I'm in for
it now! My verbal sparing with the boy must have seemed to her that I don't
like Jake or want him to come live with us. What she doesn't know is how
we've been trying to reach him but he won't let us because of his fear. I'm
gonna have to tell her something about her nephew that she isn't going to
like. What words can I say to soften that blow? Jes beats me to the punch.
"Mom... It's not what you think."
Winna releases a sigh. "My nephew doesn't want to live with us because he
can't accept the two of you."
"No," says Jesse. "He can't accept that about himself."
"What?" gasps Winna.
"He's gay, but in denial so he feels threatened by us."
The woman gasps. "Are you sure?"
Jesse slowly nods. "Mike and I have tried to help him. He's really scared
about it."
When I get the chance, I'm looking at Winna. She's no longer anger at us
but shocked by this news. It never occurred to her that Jake was gay.
"I am sorry," says Winna. "There was no indication in him... no sign that
he is..."
"How could you know?" says Jesse. "The boy hides himself pretty well.
I've tried Reaching out to him but he won't let me."
"Short Hair. Did you... ah, Glean that Jake is... what my son said?"
Calling me by my Indian name means that she's asking me if I used my
Powers on him. "Jake can Guard himself from us. You've seen that charming
mask he wears but there were moments where it's slipped. Jes and I know that
he's gay but he won't admit it. Even to himself. I don't know why he's so
scared about it. We've tried to show him that it's okay. He knows that we're
a couple but he thinks it's only... for the sex." I turn away from Winna in
my guise of concentrating on the road. That was stupid of me to tell her.
An uneasy silence passes. I reach the center of town and turn right onto
Main Street. That gives me the chance to peer over at Winna. She's looking
out her window. I Sense turmoil in her but I won't Glean anything further.
After turning left on Spotted Tail Road, she faces us again.
"Jake needs our help then," says Winna. "Especially from you two."
"I know we can reach him," assures Jesse. "We still have two days."
"He will be coming back to live with us."
"Are you hoping that Jake has changed his mind since last night?"
Winna huffs. "If he hasn't, I'll force the issue. Both Father McMillan and
Ms. Klein have assured me that I will assume Guardianship over him. That's
why we've been preparing the court paperwork. A meeting with the judge has
already been set for this afternoon."
"But what if Jake still says no," asks Jesse.
"He's a minor. In spite of what the Headmaster told Jake last night, the
boy doesn't have a say in it. I'll force the issue legally if I must."
"How?" I ask.
"Elder Quiet-before-the-dawn has told me that as Jake's next-of-kin, I can
assume Guardianship over him. His... mother is dead. No one knows where his
father is. I'm going to take him away from that school."
"What if Father McMillan doesn't agree?" asks Jesse.
"He said that it's in Jake's best interest that I take him home. That's
Ms. Klein's professional recommendation as well. You heard them last night."
"Yeah. But I got the impression that they wanted Jake to agree voluntarily.
If you try to force the issue legally, they may fight it."
"I will do what I must to return a lost son to our tribe," says Winna.
"Elder Quiet-before-the-dawn said that there's legal precedence on my side to
gain Guardianship. Jake is half Blackfoot. That Jesuit school has denied his
religious and cultural heritage by raising him Catholic. It is on that basis
that I can win in a court. I've been assured by the Elder that my tribe will
stand with me in this fight. I want Jake to come back home with me."
"What about what the boy wants?" I ask. The woman gives me an angry look.
She probably thinks I'm glad that Jake said no, and I am for the most part,
but it won't do us any good if Jake is dragged away from his school. Jes
speaks up to save my butt.
"What Mike is saying is that if you force Jake to come home with us by
winning in court, you won't win over his heart. He'll never accept becoming
Blackfoot. We'll lose him in the end so don't do it that way, mom!"
Winna glares at Jesse. It aches me to see her angry at the both of us. Is
she so obsessed with having Jake that she'll risk alienating her own son?
"I'll decide what's best for my nephew. That school has brainwashed Jake
into thinking that being Native is a bad thing! They knew he had family in
Montana but didn't contact me for eleven years. Father McMillan told me that
he regrets that oversight of the previous Headmaster. That's why he has me
working on the court documents to gain Guardianship of the boy. I'm going to
see it through." Winna drops her flattened cup to the floor and turns to look
out her window.
I exchange worried looks with Jes. His mom is missing the point. We'll end
up with a rebellious teen on our hands. Two years of abuse from Jake until
he's of legal age. I don't want to put up with that! "Winna. Please listen to
your son's words about forcing anything on Jake."
"You don't like my nephew very much, do you Mike? I've seen the way you've
treated him. Is that because you see him as a threat when he comes to live in
my house?"
What does she mean? I become angry and blurt out, "It's my house, too."
"Half of it is for paying off my mortgage. You think I don't know why you
did that?"
She thinks I tried 'buying' her acceptance to be with her son? That hurt.
I look at Winna in disbelief and she glares back.
"I'll keep my nephew in my part of the house and you keep to your half."
Jesse gasps. "Mom! You don't mean that. Both of you are speaking badly
from being frustrated by this situation with Jake. I don't want it to cause a
rift between us!"
Winna lowers her head and buries her face in her hands. "I am sorry, Mike.
I'm very tired and don't know what I'm saying."
Silence fills the truck when I take the road leading to Jake's school. I'm
in doubt of the sincerity of her apology since she may have said that for
Jesse's benefit. She's always feared that her son would run away with me to
be in a place of our own if push came to shove. Her obsession to have Jake is
causing problems between us. I have enough trouble as it is with facing court
and what people will think of Jesse and me being together. Man!
I'm parking near the administration building. My hands clutch the steering
wheel and won't let go. Winna opens her door. They both get out but I remain
seated. When my lover notices that I haven't budged, he runs around to my
window and peers in shyly at me. His mom strides over to the building alone.
"Not coming?" Jesse asks.
I'm shaking my head. "You two go visit with Jake today." Jes opens his
mouth to say something but closes it. He only nods. We look at each other for
a long moment. I'm feeling a tickle in my head from him trying to Peek on my
thoughts but they're being guarded. His brown face turns plain of emotion.
It aches me to see that he's guarding himself from me as well. I am being
silly. My lover should be telling me so but he doesn't, his eyes look past my
truck for his mom. He's waving to her. Then he faces me again. My resolve
begins to weaken when Jes reaches into my window to grasp my shoulder.
"I won't make you do anything you don't want to, Mike."
"Thanks." Jesse pulls his arm back and I realize that he's called me by
my White name. Not 'Short Hair' or even his 'love'. That's his way of letting
me know that I'm straying from the good red road. My eyes drop in shame. I
reconsider joining them to visit with Jake. When my eyes lift to my lover,
he's already gone. I catch sight of him walking around the front of my truck
that turns into a run towards his mom. My heart nearly breaks. Move feet! But
they remain poised over the pedals. Tight fists are made with my hands set
over my knees. I'm looking towards the administration building one last time.
They go through the door. My lover is lost from sight.
A dead feeling comes over me. It's that same empty sensation when Jes and
I had lost our Connection. Our special bond isn't broken now. I'm Sensing my
lover's Presence in my heart, in my mind and from our intertwining spirits.
Only our thoughts and emotions aren't being Shared. He won't and I won't at
this moment though we could. I feel nothing. Well. Maybe a strange sense of
freedom by having some space of my own for once.
I'm left with a sense of guilt though. Anger replaces that when I think of
all the things I've done to prove that I'm a good white guy. Haven't I done
enough? I've found the tribe's Power Bundle and face going to prison because
of it. Most of my savings went to pay off Winna's mortgage. She didn't even
ask me before hand if it would be alright to have Jake come live with us. But
hey, that boy is family whereas I'm just some white skin trying to secure a
nest with her son. She'd said so!
The truck's horn startles me. I'd set if off from my angry strike to the
steering wheel. My trembling hand returns to my lap. Damn! My stomach hurts,
probably from drinking coffee on an empty stomach but fear comes to me that
I'm getting an ulcer again. Why do I have to be such a worrier! Thinking
about my troubles doesn't help. I'm sick to death of it! How can I escape?
My door flies opens. I run towards the edge of the parking lot and drop
down before a pine tree. Thoughts rise in me again but I deny them. There has
gotta be a way to find peace in my life that I desperately need. I'm gonna go
crazy soon! Maybe I am already.
No. Crazy people don't know that they are but if something doesn't give
soon, I will lose myself. Something Jes said yesterday comes to me. It was
about Jake losing himself in nothingness after we told him stuff that he
couldn't handle. The boy looked out his window to avoid thinking about it.
Maybe I should try that myself.
I look up at the pines. A deep breath fills my lungs and it's gently
released. That calms me. My thoughts turn to this dumb situation. I know what
I should be doing - getting my butt into that building to be with Jes and his
mom. I'm wanting to remain out here doing absolutely nothing. No worries. My
eyes are drawn up to the branches swaying in the wind. Their familiar scent
reminds me of camping trips that I've taken with my parents. Those were happy
times. Filled with fun. No cares. Tranquil.
A deep sense of peace comes over me. I slowly breathe in. Breathe out. It
feels like I'm going to sleep but my eyes are open. The pine branches sway in
the wind. A pair reach around me like arms, soft and warm around my chest.
This isn't a tree holding me.
'I am.'
I'm turning around to see who Said that. Only a pine tree. Man! Am I going
crazy or what? My back slumps against the slim trunk. The needles are soft
against my butt, warmed from the sun.
'Relax, Mike. Let me hold you for a while. You need it.'
I fearfully Call out to Jesse. When he Answers, I know for sure that it
wasn't him.
:Open yourself, love, so he can come Through. We'll Talk later.:
I'd Felt excitement from my lover about something. He's gone again, and
when I Reach out, someone else Answers my Call. I can't see who with my eyes
for all has grown dark like the night. With inner Sight, I know who is with
me. How can that be? Am I dreaming of Charms A Bird again?
'Not this time. Your thoughts have quieted enough to let me in.' Laughter.
'Your lover is right. You do think too much.'
'Are you really here?' I Ask.
'Yes. In spirit, where it really counts.'
I feel arms around me and the softness of his chest against my back. How
can that be?
'Your mind fills in for what it cannot understand.'
'Then you're not really here. At the school, I mean.'
'Shh. Remember what Jes-ee-ah told you.'
He means about me thinking too much. If I do so, our delicate Connection
will be lost along with his hug. I'm really needing it right now.
'I know. You have suffered too much, Mike. Take leave of all your cares
and woes in my arms. Be at peace.'
My mind clears of thoughts. I simply am. In his arms around me where there
is peace, it brings me contentment. My spirit drinks it in. Renewing itself.
There is no sense of passing time. I don't want his hug to end. Ever.
After a while, I'm feeling a burning to my face so I turn away from the
sun. It's risen an hour in the sky at least. My eyes close to Return to him
and my much needed hug.
'Another needs your tending.'
'Who?' He doesn't mean Jesse.
'An unborn spirit within yourselves. Look.'
A Brilliance fills my eyes that is difficult to Look at. He helps ease my
Sight. There are two glowing balls - mine and Jesse's. We're Connected like
two intersecting circles of Light. Behind me... well, touching my glowing is
another ball of Light who holds me. That's Shaman Charms A Bird. When I Look
closer, another Glowing touches me. Running Water? A Glowing ball touches Jes.
I think that's Jake. Wow. We're all Connected to each other in spirit. It's a
rare View into something I've known about but never Seen with my own eyes.
'Our spirits are infinite radiances projected onto a physical screen. We
perceive them as points of light - our bodies. We aren't mere glowing ball as
you've Seen. A small part of a spirit's existence walks on our Mother.'
'Why?' I Ask.
'That is a question every shaman has struggled to answer.'
'You're a shaman. Don't you know?' Silence. I'm getting the notion that if
Charms A Bird does, he won't be telling me.
'We three are reborn spirits. Five lives to mine, two to yours and Jesse.
Your child, though. He has yet to be born even once.'
'Our child?' I'm Shown where Jesse's spirit intersects mine. That is our
Connection and the reason it came about... the Power Bundle's spirit. I knew
that already. Grandfather had Passed it into us when the bundle was dying.
'Not an it - Him,' corrects Charms A Bird. 'Your life force sustains what
you call the Power Bundle spirit. Shaman Good-eyes had crafted the body to
contain an unborn. Our Father answered that shaman's plea to enliven his
bundle after his sacrifice of self for the good of his People.'
'Evil nearly stole it from them.'
'You don't realize the utter tragedy if Eli Kie had. He would have used
that unborn to gain passage through the sacred wood.'
'How?'
'As Shaman He-who-runs-up-mountains Passed that unborn into you and Jesse,
the Trickster hoped to Pass him into a boy he ensnared with false love. This
boy would have Connected with Eli Kie and sneaked him past the Tree Guardians
who watch over the... sky fallen fingernail.'
I remember Charms A Bird telling us about the Darkness-that-comes who
wants to bring about an end to the world. That Evil's servant is Trickster
Eli Kie. 'Are you still in pursuit of him?'
'Yes, as I've vowed to Good-eyes. His great need to hunt down that evil
Trickster was already mine. Eli Kie has found another means to get past the
Tree Guardians. Not through the use of an innocent, that boy he falsely loved,
but a Fire Bundle. He stole it from Miss Thomas when failing to get yours.'
'She was murdered and her house burned down.'
'I know,' Answers Charms A Bird.
'If you know the place that Eli Kie will come to, meet him there.'
'I know the place in the sacred wood. I know the time when he will strike.
It will be a moonless night since a Trickster's Power is greatest then.'
'Will you be able to stop him?'
'That I do not know. Trickster Eli Kie is guided by his Dark master. He
will burn down the Tree Guardians. Then that place where the sky fallen
fingernail is hidden can be dug up by him and handed over to Sci-en-tists who
will unleash a Power that will destroy the world.'
'Why are you telling me this?' I Ask. Maybe he wants our help.
Charms A Bird laughs. 'I tend to ramble on in my old age. What I wanted
you to know is that your child needs tending.'
I'm Shown where Jesse's spirit and mine touch. There's a Glowing. Not as
brilliant as our spirits. Why is that?
'The unborn need nurturing while on our Mother. They aren't often Brought
out of the Above. A shaman's plea unto our Father, if Answered, brings one
down to enliven a crafted 'body'. This sacred bundle serves as a Connection
between the Great Mystery and the People. Their shaman is the go between.
He's given Power to act in the Light as you and Jes-ee-ah have.'
'Our bodies hold what will become a person yet to be born?'
'Yes. It's a rare honor our Father has blessed you with. With it comes
responsibilities as parents. Your child needs tending.'
'What must we do?'
'Sing to your child.'
'I don't know how.'
'I'll help you with the Song. Jes-ee-ah's grandfather will be teaching him
but not soon enough. Your child is... unhappy. I can see this by the way you
have been troubled, Short Hair.'
'You mean when I recently lost my Connection with Jesse?'
'Yes. An unhappy child makes for unhappy parents.'
It's true. I'd lost myself to despair from the troubles in my life. I
blamed God, denied the Power Bundle's spirit which severed our Connection
because I'd though it was what made Jesse and me fall in love. I'd turned my
back on our child! Then at the fountain, I forgave myself. A miracle took
place that brought us back into the Light.
'That is so, Short Hair. The Great Teacher sent by our Father aided you.
In that moment, you Sang.'
'Really? I didn't know.'
'Your child Heard. It offered him hope but it is waning again.'
'Help me Sing to him!'
'Before you are able to, you must let go of your worries and doubts.'
Charms A Bird means the troubles facing me. The fear that I'll be going to
prison, not gain acceptance by the People for Jes and me being together, that
Jake won't ever accept that he's gay so we can help him. All that stuff.
'And more.'
I'm Feeling Charms A Bird giving me a tight hug. I really need it.
'Let go of expectations, Mike. You are looking too far down the road and
stumbling over your feet.'
'I must be prepared for what the future will bring before it lands on my
head!'
'But by ignoring the Now. Yoda had scolded Luke for always looking to the
future. Never keeping his mind on where he was, what he was doing.'
'My troubles won't go away if I ignore them.'
'You dwell too much on them, Mike. That's giving you an ulcer again which
I won't be able to Heal for you.'
'I'm a worrier. How can I stop being who I am?'
'By recognizing that being a worrier is a bad thing, you change that
destructive behavior.'
'Easier said than done.'
'Yes. That's often true but you must make the effort or there's no chance
that anything will change for the better.'
'I didn't say that I wouldn't try.'
'Yoda said another wise thing to Luke: "Do. Or do not. There is no try."'
Charms A Bird is obviously a fan of the Star Wars movies. 'Luke was unable
to lift his X-Wing spaceship out of the swamp. He didn't know how to fully
use the Force like Yoda.'
'Then I'll do what he did. Inspire you with my use of the 'Force' so you
will know that it can be done. Ask me what worries you the most about the
future and I'll See what unfolds.'
'You'll look into your crystal ball or something?'
'I have the ability to Fire Speak.'
'What's that?'
'What I desire to know may be revealed by Asking the Fire Spirits. I'm
sitting before a fire now. My naked body is covered in sage after my sweat so
that I could Reach out to you.'
'That's how we're Connecting?'
'Yes. Ask away, Luke.'
My head is racing with what I want to know about my future. I'll ask him
my most pressing concern. 'Will I be going to prison?' There's a long silence
but Charms A Bird Answers me.
'No. I see D.A.rth Benton crying out in dismay by his unexpected fall he
thought would have been yours. You've already seen this yourself in a dream.'
He's right. But having Charms A Bird confirming it means it'll really
happen. Utter relief fills me. I come up with another question. 'Will Jesse
and I find acceptance in our tribe for being a couple?'
'To those whom you've Shown this truth already have. You're often saying
that being a gay couple is no different from a straight couple yet you don't
act it.'
I ponder over that. It's true that I've said that to Jake but what strikes
me by Charms A Bird's words is that I haven't practiced what I've preached.
When Jes draped his arm around his cousin outside the pizzeria, it ached me
that I couldn't hold my lover the same way in public. Anyone seeing them
would smile, assuming that they're related or good friends. Anyone seeing us
that way would know that we're gay. That's why I haven't done it.
'Aren't you friends with Jesse too?' Asks Charms A Bird.
'Yes. The best of friends but people wouldn't smile if we were to flaunt
that we're gay.'
'There is a difference between Flaming gay and just being yourself, Mike.'
He's right. I wouldn't kiss my lover in public, make sexual overtones with
him or do that gay fling with my hand. That's Flaming. I'm not that way. I
want to stand close to Jesse, hold his hand on occasion and look at him with
nice eyes. He makes me happy just to be with him!
'People would see that and understand. Those who can't find it in their
hearts to see you two for what you are, why should you care?'
'Thank you, Yoda. I will be myself with Jes from now on.'
'What else do you want to know, Luke?'
I'm laughing. What should I ask Charms A Bird next? He's answered my most
pressing concerns which, when I think about it, I could have answered myself.
Is he really Fire Speaking or just Pulling what I already knew out of me?
'Both. You've been Shown what is to happen from dreaming and what you knew
to be already true. Your life is too filled with worry and doubt to let you
see clearly. Rid yourself of darkness and then will you walk in the Light.'
His last words are striking. I've known this truth in my heart but my head
had muddled it because of all my worrying. Let go! Power rises in me that is
like a blinding Light. I'm realizing what's been holding me back and it's
been myself. I knew good things but didn't really accept them. I'd rather
worry and wallow in despair than allow myself to be happy. These expectations
I've been having. I wanted others to recognize what I've done for the tribe
when I should have been satisfied to simply have done them. No need to 'earn'
their award. Mine is a good heart that acted because something had to be done.
That's reward enough. Oh, Jake! How badly I have acted by expecting too much.
You will reveal yourself to us when we've proven ourselves worthy of your
trust so we can help you!
'That is so, Short Hair.'
I'm feeling as light as a feather. If not for Charms A Bird's arms around
me, I'd float up to the sky. I won't be going to prison! People will accept
that Jesse and I are in love. We won't have to hide our feelings in public.
What about Jake? Will he find himself as I have just done?
'Yes, in time. Your lover has exciting news to give you so I'll Return you
to the Now.'
I'm feeling a bit scared. 'Will I return to my wretched self after you
leave me?'
'Not for a while. Enjoy this warm afterglow of our Meeting and remember.
You can lift your spacecraft out of the swamp, Luke. I did it. So will you.'
Charms A Bird means that I must avoid that pool of despair I'm often
falling into. Determination fills me. 'I will!' Before our Connection is
severed, I Ask him one last thing. 'Will we meet again?'
'Yes. My previous self will. I'll also need you and your lover's help on
that moonless night soon to come.'
That's when Charms A Bird will do battle with Trickster Eli Kie. What does
he mean about me meeting his previous self?
'Be happy, Short Hair. Tend to your child in Song when you are with your
lover in all ways.'
'What words do I Sing to him?'
'Both of you will know...'
Sunlight fills my eyes. I gasp in surprise when the sensations of my body
return to me: my burning face, the pine tree against my back and the soft
needles under my butt. His hug is gone. I Call out to Jesse.
:Love! You have Returned at last. I have good news about Jake!:
:Tell me.: I'm smiling to myself, already knowing what it is.
:He has agreed to return home with us on Sunday.:
:Was that from your mom twisting his arm?: I Ask with concern.
:No. Father McMillan, I think. He must have told the boy something last
night that changed his mind. He's not happy about it.:
My concern grows. :Jake shouldn't be forced to come live with us like
you've warned your mom.:
:I know, love. Will you come inside and help me comfort him?:
:Yes.: I'm getting to my feet and run across the parking lot. The door to
my truck is closed. I enter the administration building, passing Br. Mathews
with a smile before turning left in the hall that leads to the Father's
office. Jes Calls out to me.
:Not that way, silly. We're in Ms. Klein's office on the other side of the
building. Past where the doctor treated you.:
I spin around. The men's restroom catches my eye so I'm going in. Jesse
is made aware of my urgent need. :I'll be with you soon!: Love bursts in my
heart and there's such happiness in me that I haven't felt in a long time.
Well. I had briefly at the fountain when our Connection had been restored.
That had us Singing to our child. Charms A Bird is right. We both know the
words to our Song for him. He will Share in our happiness and so be renewed
as I am.
:Love?:
I've closed the stall door and am dropping my pants. Embarrassment comes
to me that Jesse is Here.
:I'll wait until you're done.:
I feel silly. It's not like he hasn't seen me naked before. Or pooping.
I'm anxious to rejoin my lover so I get down to the business at hand. My
stomach is feeling better afterwards. I'm wiping myself when someone enters
the restroom. That makes me become self conscious so I'll wait for a bit.
"Jake!" a man calls out in concern.
"Go away."
"Why? What's wrong?"
"As if you don't know!"
"I don't, Jake. Tell me."
"You sent Father McMillan that letter. He knows what I've been doing and
now so does my aunt. I have to leave the school because of you!"
"What letter?" the man asks.
I'm wondering about that too. Jake doesn't answer him so I try peering
through the side of my stall door for them. Can't see anything. I wouldn't
try to Glean Jake 'cause he'd Sense it but that man isn't protected. All I
need is a clear line of sight. There's a long moment of silence. Have they
left the restroom? No. I hear a zipper pulling down.
"This is your last look at it before I leave forever," says Jake.
I hear pissing. There was charm in the boy's voice that belied his anger.
"That's not funny. You mean much more to me than... that."
"Sure."
I'm straining to catch sight of them but they're too far right of my stall
door. I could look out beneath it. No. They'd catch me peeking.
"Jake..."
The boy zippers up. He rushes out of the restroom with the door creaking
behind him. Did the man follow him out? I'm straining my ears for sound.
Don't hear anything so I cautiously open my stall door. He is still here! We
exchange startled glances with him turning for the urinal so I head for the
sink. I'm quick with washing my hands so he won't leave before me. I've gotta
learn what's going on between them.
I dry my hands on my shirt when turning from the sink. He's standing
before the urinal pretending to take a piss. The man is dressed like he's
come from the office: a white shirt, tie, dark slacks and brown leather
shoes. He's a stocky white guy who's a little taller than me. His dark blond
hair is parted on the side. I notice his broad shoulders that draws my
attention to his arms. They're muscular, like Jake's. Looking lower, I check
out his butt. It's much bigger than mine but not what you would call 'fat'.
I slowly pass him, wondering how we can meet face to face before leaving the
restroom. My back glance reveals that his cock isn't out. He's just standing
there. I'll go for it.
"Hi. I'm Mike Yager." My right hand is offered that startles him bad. He
turns from the urinal to glare at me uneasily. He doesn't know who I am.
"I drove Winna and her son Jesse down from Havre." Alarm fills the man's
eyes. He realizes what I've heard between him and Jake but he tries not to
let on.
"I'm Karl."
After wiping his right hand across his shirt (not that he'd dirtied it
from pissing since he was only standing there in front of the urinal), we
shake hands. I Glean the man. Only specifically to what Jake meant about him
sending that letter... He didn't! He doesn't even know its content but
realizes that it must be damning to Jake in the Headmaster's eyes. Something
so bad that he must leave the school because of it. No wonder the boy has
agreed to go home with Winna.
"I've heard that Mrs. Winnapah is taking Jake back to live with her."
I'm nodding. "This Sunday." Our hands have returned to our sides. It
becomes awkward. Karl needs to get away to think about what Jake said and to
grieve over his loss. He loves the boy! I'm giving the man another appraising
look. His face is ruggedly handsome. No way would I peg him as being gay. He
meets my gaze squarely with them blue eyes of his. A calm demeanor. Yet I
Sense his concern about what I've overheard. He realizes that I know he and
Jake have been getting it on.
"It was nice meeting you," Karl stammers. He turns for the door.
I need to act. Say something to this man that will put him at ease or this
will be the last time he sees Jake. Words spill out that come from my heart.
"Jake needs you. I don't know what that letter said but he was wrong to think
that you'd sent it. He's hurting bad. Jesse and I have been trying to help
him deal with... things." Karl's eyes flash. When it seems like he's about to
escape out the door, he turns to me instead.
"Has Jake told you about me?"
I'm shaking my head. Karl reveals relief in his eyes and smiles.
"I've been a Big Brother to Jake for two years now. He's a good boy. If I
didn't have kids already, my wife and I would adopt him if we could."
That has me smiling but only for a moment. This man is married with kids?
I've Felt in him an attraction for Jake. More than that, it's the same kind
of love that I share with Jesse. Knowing what I do from Gleaning him makes
it difficult to broach the subject without him wondering how I know. His is a
good heart. It's wrong to Glean people like the Elder has warned me.
"I... need to get back to my office."
Karl passes me and opens the door while I'm struggling with words to say.
"You will see Jake off on Sunday, won't you?" The man pauses from leaving.
"Yes. I will. Tell him that I'll attend Church service and say my goodbyes
afterwards. He can call me before then... if he wants."
I'm nodding. Karl goes out the door and is heard nearly running down the
hall. There was so much more that we could have said but he was afraid to.
So was I. I'm releasing a sigh of relief. At least he'll see Jake one last
time that won't be a bitter parting like what happened earlier. Man! I'm not
the only one who's had to deal with that dumb kid. Instead of being angry, I
feel pity for Jake. That warm afterglow from Charms A Bird is still with me.
His words of wisdom opened my eyes and my heart. I want Jake to be happy like
I am with Jesse. Karl doesn't seem to be a bad guy. He's married though.
That's really too bad.
I'm aching to be with my lover so I run down the hall to be with him. Past
the doctor's office, I come to a door at the end of the building. No glass
window for me to peer in but I'm sure this is the right place. My Sense of
Jesse is strong beyond it. He also Feels that I'm near. :Jes!:
:Love!:
We're like two magnets being drawn together. Joy bursts in our hearts. I
open the door and stride into the room. It's filled with people that gives
me pause. Ms. Klein is consulting with a man wearing a suit at the table.
There are papers spread over it. Winna sits in a chair on the other side but
she's not participating in their paperwork. At the far end of this room is a
row of chairs. Jesse is sitting with his cousin. Jake is looking down at his
feet; sulking. My lover peers over at me while keeping his right arm draped
around the boy. We exchange grins. I'm about to run over to him when Winna
calls out my name. She slowly gets to her feet. Ms. Klein and the attorney
turn in my direction.
Winna looks like hell. Not only from a lack of sleep but she's emotionally
drained from seeing her face. What this poor woman has gone through! I meet
her half way across the room where she stops a few paces away from me. Why
this shyness in her? Oh, yeah. I give her an assuring grin. "I've Heard the
good news, Winna." Hope fills her eyes. "I am happy for you. Really."
"They're finishing the paperwork now. Then Jake..."
When it looks like Winna might faint, I'm closing the distance between us
with my arms rushing around her. "Please forgive me, mother." I've asked her
that in Siksika so it wouldn't be overheard.
"No. I am sorry, Mike!"
She gives me a tight hug. "Let us forget our ill words spoken earlier."
I'm patting over her back, Sensing a burden lifting from her shoulders. It's
what I'd felt from Charms A Bird's hug. I'm helping Winna back to her chair
where she drops like a stone. We exchange smiles. Then she closes her eyes to
conserve her strength for when she attends court later today.
"Mike?"
I'm turning to Ms. Klein standing up from her chair. She's dressed smart.
A nice blouse with a vest, slacks, and shoes with low heels. There's a look
of confidence on her face that adds to her professional appearance. How could
the judge say no to her?
This is Mr. Evans. He's the school's attorney who's assisting us with the
transfer of Guardianship."
"Hello."
Mr. Evans only nods his head in response.
"We've just about completed the documents for the judge. Our appointment
is at two."
I'm glancing at my watch. It's nearly one o'clock right now. Wow. I didn't
realize how much time has passed when I was with Charms A Bird. There's heat
felt from my face. Must have gotten it burned sitting by that pine tree all
them hours. Ms. Klein sits down to assist the lawyer with the paperwork; I'm
ignored. This gives me the chance to get over to my lover. I try keeping my
pace to a walk. Our eyes meet. Love bursts in my heart and thoughts of
scooping him up into my arms for kisses is difficult to resist.
:I'm kissing you here,: Says Jesse.
My lover points to his heart. I sit in the chair beside him where our
hands clasp. His is warm; gentle. Filled with love. We're looking at each
other and look and Look and LOOK. Jes sees with his eyes the change in me
that his inner Sight had already observed.
:Was it a good hug?:
:Yeah.: I'm laughing merrily. I look over at a despondent Jake. He's not
happy by the turn of events that will take him away from the only life he's
known these past eleven years.
:I've tried telling him that it's going to be okay.:
:He doesn't think so. Does he?: Jesse sadly shakes his head. :Do you know
anything about a letter someone sent to Fr. McMillan?: He doesn't. I Send him
a mind burst of what I've overheard between Karl and Jake in the restroom and
what I've Gleaned.
:That man is Jake's lover?: Asks a startled Jesse.
:It appears so. But Karl is already married with kids even!: Jes releases
a sigh. He also realizes the hopelessness of Jake's situation and agrees with
me that maybe that's why the boy has been guarding himself from us. He didn't
want us to know.
:You were good to ask Dr. Karl to see Jake off on Sunday.:
:He's a doctor?:
:Yes. That's why Ms. Klein asked him to come over to the school. They
needed current medical records for Jake that he's provided her.:
:Is he... healthy?: I Ask.
Jesse shrugs his shoulders. :I'm sure he is. The attorney was satisfied
with Dr. Karl's report. I've been sitting with Jake while they've been busy
with paperwork. My mom... she's really out of it after her long meeting with
Fr. McMillan and Jake in his office.:
:How did he break the news to your mom?: Jes Sends me a mind burst that
takes a moment to assimilate. Winna was given the news from Jake himself. She
obviously was relieved and very happy that her nephew will be returning home
with her without a fight. Fr. McMillan met with her privately in his office.
Then the boy joined them afterwards while Jes sat and waited. Almost an hour!
His mom came out and it was obvious that she'd been crying. Jake had looked
like he wanted to find a rock to crawl under. I peer over at the boy. He
looks dejected and obviously wanting to be anywhere else than in this room.
I lean over Jesse's lap to draw his attention. "How are you, Jake?"
"Fine."
The boy doesn't meet my gaze. He continues looking down at his shoes. This
isn't the time or place to tell him what Karl asked me to pass onto him.
Ms. Klein comes over to us. She smiles, and that's when I realize I'm
still holding hands with my lover. Jesse's left hand tightens around mine.
The woman gives no indication that it surprises her. She sits in the chair on
my left.
"We're nearly finished, Jake."
The boy lifts his head in her direction in acknowledgement. When he sees
that I'm holding hands with Jesse, his eyes flash. He springs to his feet.
"Something wrong with your chair?" asks Ms. Klein.
"No... My butt was falling asleep." Jake strides over to the window to
look out. He remembers to stretch his legs so he won't be caught in a lie.
The woman watched Jake's hasty retreat. She shakes her head back and forth
and turns to the two of us. Nothing bad in her eyes. I'm Sensing that she's
actually glad that we're gay.
"That boy is going to prove to be quite a handful," whispers Ms. Klein.
Jes and I raise our empty hands on cue. That has the woman smiling.
"I've advised your mother to have Jake go for counseling once he's
settled in his new home. He has some issues to work out."
Jesse nods. "We can help him."
"I'm sure you can." Ms. Klein looks over her shoulder at Jake. He's out of
earshot but she keeps her voice low. "I regret not having the chance to speak
with you two before."
Is she gonna tell us something about Jake? I'm waiting with baited breath.
"The Father and I only recently learned that he's gay..."
Jes and I already knew that. Funny how everyone around Jake knows but he
won't admit it.
:My cousin doesn't really think he is, love. That's the difference.:
"...which wouldn't have been a problem for him remaining with us. He's a
fine student. No relevant disciplinary acts on his record to tip us off that
there was a problem."
"My cousin is in denial."
"I fear that's so. Until he can accept his sexual orientation, it will
impact his emotional development. You two appear well adjusted. Try to show
him that there's no reason for him to fear that he's gay."
:It's not like we haven't tried!: Jes Asks me not to say that to her. I'm
curious about something. "You said that Jake hasn't done anything to tip you
off before now." Ms. Klein looks back over her shoulder for the boy. She's
really done that to avoid my question and I Glean she knows all about that
letter. Fr. McMillan had shown it to her just this morning. I want to See!
:Don't, Mike.:
:But why not? We'll understand what's going on with Jake! Fr. McMillan
knows, this lady knows and your mom probably knows. You told me she had been
crying after meeting with the Father and Jake. The boy was obviously ashamed
of himself after their meeting. Come on, Jes!:
:No.:
"It concerns Jake's activities outside of school," says Ms. Klein. "I'm
not at liberty to discuss that with you as much as I'd like to."
"Does my mother know?" asks Jesse.
The woman nods. "She was informed since the Father wanted your mother to
know what she's taking on with Jake. Relocating him elsewhere should solve
the problem."
:They must know about Karl!: I Send to Jesse. :By taking Jake away from
here, them two can't get it on anymore. The school wants to avoid a scandal.
Karl has been a Big Brother to Jake with their blessings. He's married, has
kids of his own so they didn't suspected that he's been having sex with Jake
until someone sent that letter to the Father. That has to be it!:
:You may be right, Mike.:
I'm hiding my triumphant grin from Ms. Klein. I've figured it out without
having to Glean her.
"I'm ready for Mrs. Winnapah to sign the documents," says Mr. Evans.
That draws our attention to the table. Ms. Klein goes to assist the
attorney. He slides documents over to Winna and the social worker shows her
where to sign, not even reading them before doing so. Jake wanders back to us.
"Has your butt stopped tingling?" That gets the boy smiling. For a moment
anyway and he avenges himself.
"Pay me two hundred bucks and you'll find out." Jake rubs his fingers
together while wiggling his ass.
I'm laughing but Jes doesn't join me. His thoughts are guarded. Before I
can Ask him what's wrong, Ms. Klein raises her hand in our direction.
"We'll need your signature too, Jake."
The boy sits his butt down. He's obviously heard the woman but doesn't
bulge from his chair. Jesse turns to him.
"Please do it, Jake."
There's an awful moment when it looks like the boy won't. He peers at
Jesse, a look of panic on his face that he doesn't even try to hide.
"It can be scary at the beginning of a journey into the unknown. Be strong,
Jake. I know that you can do this. Thing will get better for you. I promise!"
To our relief, Jake gets up from his chair. He gives my lover a mournful
look. I've never seen the boy so vulnerable and it aches my heart. He could
really use a hug. I know that he wouldn't accept one from anyone right now.
Like a sheep to the slaughter, he drags his feet over to the table. Ms. Klein
calls out my name.
"Yes?"
"We need you as a witness."
I follow Jake until we're standing at the edge of the table. Mr. Evans
explains what's going on.
"We don't have the time to stop at a Notary Public. Anyone not directly
involved in this matter can serve as witness to the statements being signed."
"Sure. I'll do it."
"Sign here, Jake."
The boy does so after a moment. He appeared to have read the statement but
I don't think he could of in his present state of mind.
"Raise your right hand," asks Mr. Evans.
Jake does so.
"Do you swear that the statement you've signed is true and correct to the
best of your knowledge?"
"Yes. I do." Jake glares at the lawyer.
"Sign there, Mike."
There's a witness line where I scrawl out my signature. It asks for an
address. That concerns me since I'm living with Winna so won't the court
think I'm directly involved? I inform Mr. Evans.
"Give your previous address then. It's only a legal formality."
"Okay." I list my residence in the Havre Cottage and Trailer Park. Winna
is asked to raise her hand and swear. I'm signing her documents as witness
again. Mr. Evans gathers them all up.
"I'll need these copied and then it's off to meet with the judge."
Ms. Klein is handed the documents. Mr. Evans puts a legal reference book
into his briefcase. Winna raises herself from her chair. I'm giving her an
assuring grin while Jesse (who was standing behind me) goes to his mom.
They hold hands. We file out of the room - Mr. Evans is in front, Ms. Klein
behind him followed by Winna still holding hands with her son. Jake is
trudging along with me following up the rear. The hall echoes with that must
sound like the footsteps of doom to Jake. That's what I'm Sensing from him.
We pass Br. Mathews at his station and head down the hall for Rosemary's
office. I wonder if Fr. McMillan will see us off? Before I can find out, Jake
ducks into the men's restroom so I wait for him outside. Everyone else has
gone on ahead.
After only a moment, the boy peeks out. He sees me. Yeah. It's what I'd
thought. I'm given a dark look from him that proves he knows I know that he'd
hoped to duck out of the party. "Let's go out for some air. Okay?"
"Whatever you say."
I lead Jake towards the door. It's sunny outside. A warm bright day that
I'm sure is lost on the boy. We sit down at the edge of the porch. He bangs
his shoes together. They're designer gym shoes that must have cost him over a
hundred bucks. His jeans are expensive too. Tight in all the right places
that outlines his butt nicely not to mention his crotch. I force myself to
look away.
Hot air shimmers off the vehicles parked in the lot. I'm chuckling to
myself in remembrance to something Jake's said. "You don't think much of my
truck, huh?" Jake doesn't react. "It got us down here but I'll be driving
home alone on Sunday. There isn't room for four. Winna, Jes and you will
probably fly back to Havre."
"Amtrak would be cheaper," mutters Jake.
"Your aunt would go for that. When I'd checked online for airplane tickets
for them to get down here, they were pricy. Over a thousand dollars per seat
on account that I couldn't book their flight in advance. That's why I drove."
Jake only nods. I'm trying to engage him in conversation but he isn't game. I
understand why. We have this moment alone so I'm trying to make good use of
it. Jes Calls out to me.
:Mike! Are you with Jake?:
:Yes.:
:Ms. Klein has noticed his absence and she's worried that he might try to
run away before court.:
:He tried to all right. Can you tell her that I'm with him? We need a
moment alone to talk.:
:I will. Rosemary is copying those legal papers for them. That's going to
take a few more minutes.:
:Good.: We stop Talking to each other but Jes will be Listening in. I've
gotta tell Jake that he's wrong about Karl. There's no more time for chit chat
between us. I'm gonna go for it. "I've met with Dr. Karl." Bingo! The boy
stares at me but I'm not giving anything away on my face. His eyes glow
green. I deflect his attempt to Glean me and press against his shields in
retaliation. He gasps in surprise. There's a look of betrayal on his face.
"Just giving you a taste of your own medicine. We can't Glean each other.
I won't try so you shouldn't either. It's like your cousin said. Not polite."
Jake looks down at his shoes again.
"When did you speak with Karl?" the boy asks.
"After you left the restroom." Jake glares at me with fear in his eyes.
"I was sitting on the pot when you two had it out in the restroom. We spoke
afterwards." Jake is hanging onto my words. I'm not trying to torture the boy
but he needs to listen to what I'm about to say; not just hear my words.
"He told me that you've been together for two years and if he weren't already
married with kids, he would have adopted you if he could. He thinks you're a
cool guy."
"I like Mary. That's his wife... she cooks really well."
"How old are his kids?"
"The two girls are, I think, seventeen and nineteen."
That means Karl is probably in his late thirties. I wasn't sure before.
"No sons?" Jake gives me mean eyes since he took what I said the wrong way.
"I'm his boy. But you already knew that, Mike. He messes around with me
and I get money for it. His wife doesn't want any more kids."
Denial from Jake again. It's Karl who's acting gay; not him. Yeah, right.
"He was really hurt when you accused him of sending that letter to the Father.
I don't know what's written in it and... Karl doesn't know either." The fear
in Jake's eyes turns to anger. Green glowing.
"You're lying!"
I'm shaking my head. "Then Glean me, Jake. Find out." I Open myself to him
and he Sees that I've been telling the truth. Power fades from his eyes. They
become unfocused when he ponders over who else might have sent that letter to
Fr. McMillan that's making him leave the school. "Now it's my turn to find
things out." That sends Jake to his feet in a panic.
I rise from the porch, ready to give chase but my next words stop him.
"I was only asking. Okay?" We exchange looks that becomes a staring contest
between us. I'm gonna cheat at our game. "Karl asked me to tell you that
he'll say his goodbyes after Church service on Sunday." The boy drops his
eyes from mine. I won. But more importantly, I've given the boy hope.
"He's... not mad at me?" whispers Jake.
"No. He said that you can call him before then if you want." I see the
yearning in this boy's eyes to do so. He does have feelings for Karl. In the
next moment, he puts on that charming mask to hide his feelings from me.
"I'll call to assure him that I won't rat on him. No need to upset his
wife. He won't be seeing me anymore and that's fine with me. I didn't really
need the money."
The audacity of this kid! He thinks that because I can't Glean him that we
haven't figured him out. I come up with an idea that Jes agrees with. It
might work. "There is something else you should know." Jake continues smiling
but his lips are trembling, betraying his anxiety about what else I know. I'm
keeping silent. His eyes glow green so I Open myself to the boy. Jesse
Connects strongly with me at this moment. Our trap is sprung.
We Show Jake a double mirror - one image shows how he wants others to see
him when he wears that silly mask but his true reflection reveals what Jes
and I have seen by the flash of emotion on his face, the words he's spoken
that are reinterpreted through our elder experiences but above all, our
attempts to Reach out to help him that he's thwarted out of his fears and
shame. My lover also Shows him how much he's upset his aunt as an extra dose
of medicine. Jake is dumbstruck.
:Catch him before he falls, love!: Jesse Warns.
Jake wavers over his legs so I'm grabbing onto his arms. He falls against
me. I hold him close. He's just learned the bitter truth about himself and
that revelation has gotta be hard to take.
"You must think I'm a terrible person!" wails Jake.
"No... Just human like the rest of us. Please. Let Jes and me help you."
The boy gently pushes me away. On his face is a sullen look. That mask of his
has been shattered. He can't put the broken pieces together to hide himself
from us anymore.
A football on the porch catches Jake's eye. He reaches down for it.
:Don't press him, love. We've given him a lot to think about.:
:Sure.: The football in Jake's hand gives me an idea. I run into the
parking lot and gesture for him to toss it to me. He does. After making the
catch, I throw it back. The boy doesn't want to think about things right now
and I can understand that. Charms A Bird had shown me that failing of mine -
thinking too much.
Jake absorbs himself in our game. Unlike me, he can cast aside worries and
live in the Now. I'm always thinking about the future. No more. I over throw
the football where it bounces off the front door and into the boy's hands.
"Good catch!" He smiles back at me. His high toss in the air gets me running
further into the parking lot. It lands between two cars.
Jes Warns that they're leaving Rosemary's office. I grab the football and
rush back to Jake standing on the porch to let him know.
"I Heard my cousin."
My eyes widen. :Can you Hear me?: No reaction from Jake. We turn to the
opening door where Fr. McMillan leads everyone out. He faces the boy with a
warm understanding grin. The man's arms open and his hug is accepted. A
really long one. I'm Sensing that Jake craved to be forgiven by the Father
and he is. We've opened the boy's eyes to the truth about himself but I
suspect that he'll soon recover from it. He'll either be more open with
everyone or avoid our mirror's harsh glare by sulking.
:These next few days are going to be difficult for my cousin. We have to
support him so he won't hide inside himself.:
:I want Jake to accept that he's gay.:
:Me too,: Answers Jesse. :Karl is going to be the key to that, love. I
hope he does see the boy on Sunday and they make up.:
:They're gonna be separated afterwards. Even if Jake acknowledges his
feelings for that man, the heart ache from it!:
"We're going to see the judge," says Winna.
I'm taken from mind speaking with Jes and look towards my truck. It can't
seat all of us.
"Mike. Mister Evans will be driving us to court."
I get the impression that she doesn't want us along. "Jes and I will get
something to eat. Do you know when you'll be back?"
"In a few hours."
I'm nodding. "Good luck, Winna. I'm really glad that things worked out."
The woman tries reading my face where I confirm the sincerity to my words.
She smiles. A wave a fatigue comes over her that has me worrying for her. I
hope that she can get through the next few hours. Jesse helps his mom walk
into the parking lot. Mr. Evens unlocks the doors to his car - a Mercedes. He
gets in along with Ms. Klein, Winna and Jake last of all. He casts a mournful
look in our direction through his window.
:Be a good boy and you'll get a lollypop afterwards,: Jesse Sends.
Jake reveals embarrassment.
:Jes! Can he really Hear your Sent thoughts?:
:Sometimes. I first suspected it at the pizzeria. He Heard my teasing about
rubbing against your butt that got him to come out during your wrestle.:
:But Jake denied Hearing you. He claimed that from reading my face, he
figured I was Telling you something naughty about him.:
:That's when I knew. Jake used the same word you did - 'naughty'.:
:Is he Listening in to our mind speaking all the time?:
:No. Only when I want him to, love. He can't pick up on your thoughts.:
:Probably because I'm guarding myself from him.:
:Maybe. I think Jake can Hear me because we're closely related. His ability
to Glean differs from yours, love. It's a mixture of knowing someone's heart
and Sensing what they're feeling at the moment.:
:I knew he was cheating at Air Hockey!: Jesse giggles. I'm walking towards
my truck. Jes follows me. He's surprised when I pass it and picks up on my
intent to show him something first. I'm still in awe of what Charms A Bird
has Shown me about myself. It's freed me from despair.
Jesse reaches out for the pine tree and offers his thanks.
My lover whispers more words that I don't understand. Shaman's cant? I'm
looking down at the depression my butt made in the pine needles. He bends
down to gather up a handful. I Ask him why.
:It will help us Reach out to Charms A Bird on that moonless night.:
:We're gonna help him do battle with Eli Kie?: Jesse slowly nods. He
hides his eyes from me along with his thoughts. Something is known to him
that he won't or cannot Share with me. It must be a shaman's concern.
Jes heads back to my truck. I open the driver's side door and fetch a
plastic bag like he wants. The pine needles are dropped inside. He ties the
ends closed and reverently places it behind my seat.
"I'm hungry."
He should be. We only had donuts this morning and now it's past lunch.
:How about we get us some sandwiches? We'll have a picnic. I'd love to take a
walk with you in some scenic place. There was a grove of trees we'd passed
yesterday off that road. Remember?:
:Yes. That would be nice.:
I'm given a sudden hug by Jesse. He's happy by the change in me where I'm
no longer such a worry wart. The hell with facing court this Monday, what's
happening with Jake and all that. We have a few hours together. I'm gonna
enjoy being with my lover. Just him and me.
We've made a quick stop in town for sandwiches. I'm driving back towards
Jake's school but we'll pass it to picnic in that grove. Most of South Dakota
is treeless. It's a wide open expanse of rolling hills like Montana. I miss
the forests of my home. That was part of my childhood, in exploration and
being a carefree boy but I've become a man now because of Jes. Chris had been
taken from his old life to live amongst Indians and so have I. Do things
repeat themselves from one life to another? By knowing what's happened Before,
I can be ready for it again. That has me laughing out of a sense of relief.
I catch Jesse staring at me. It's like he's seeing me with new eyes and
what he sees makes him very happy. I smile when he gives me a knowing grin.
:Charms A Bird is a very wise man.:
:I know, love.:
I've caught the meaning behind his words. :Have you two been Talking?:
Jesse nods.
:So that's how you've been such a smarty pants! You've been Drawing on
that shaman's wisdom where I've been thinking it had come from you.: My lover
giggles in reply.
:I have two aged shamans to 'draw' upon.:
I'd forgotten about Good-eyes, his former self. :Why didn't you mention
this to me before? I could have been getting hugs from Charms A Bird and
receiving little pearls of wisdom from him too.:
:He wanted you to find your own way, love. I have been giving you hints!:
Jes has. He's told me that I think too much and could learn to lose myself
in nothingness. That's how I Connected with Charms A Bird. When my thoughts
had quieted enough, I fell into his arms. :Are you two Talking a lot?:
:No. It's an effort for him to Reach out.:
Charms A Bird had said that he'd sweated and covered his body in sage
(a ritual preparation) so that he could Reach out to me today. :How many times
has he tried to before?:
:A whole bunch,: Answers Jesse. :He ends up Meeting with me instead.:
:What do you two Talk about?:
:Stuff.:
:Like what?: I'm curious to know and Jesse sees that in my eyes. I'm
expecting him to say that it's a shaman concern so he won't tell me.
:You know. What it's like to be reborn in another and dealing with Power.
Stuff like that. He needs someone to Talk to since he's very lonely.:
That surprises me. :Doesn't Charms A Bird have a lover to talk to?:
:No,: Answers Jesse sadly. :Not since... Smiles A Lot.:
:Who was that?: Oh. I recall hearing that name before.
:A man from an enemy tribe who taught his first self many good things. As
Willow Bird Passed through each boy, he never found another life companion.:
:He's not made love to anyone after Smiles A Lot?:
:Of course he has, silly! It's his solemn duty to give himself to men but
none were like Smiles A Lot. That young man was training to be shaman of his
People so he understood the trials Willow Bird was enduring, the lives he'd
Pass through before that final confrontation with an evil Trickster. Charms A
Bird knows that his time on our Mother will soon come to an end. It's been a
very lonely existence for him.:
There's sadness Felt from Jes. :Seems like he could have used a hug, too.:
:I've given them to him, love.:
:I'm glad.: Wow. As Connected to Jesse as I am, there are still things I
didn't know. He's been Talking to Charms A Lot. That explains my lover's
wisdom in dealing with me. :I'll try not to be such a suffrage to you from
now on, my love.:
:It's been worth it, love. You have found yourself at last as Short Hair
so keep it up!:
I'm laughing. Jes gives me love eyes that makes me even more determined
not to let him down. Charms A Bird has lifted the burdens from my shoulders.
I won't be going to prison! I can express my love for Jes in public as I've
always wanted to. Hey. This is my second chance at life so I'm not gonna blow
it. They say you only live once. For most folks that's probably so but Jes
and I have been blessed with remembering our Past so we're gonna do better
this time around.
A stand of pines with their lofty heads peer over the ridge. We make our
way over to them. Hand in hand. The grass held earth slopes down sharply from
the road where I've parked my truck. It's difficult going. Jesse slips but I
pull him aright. He smiles with relief. There's strength to my hand around
his, determination in my heart and tranquility to my thoughts. I've not felt
this good in a very long time. Maybe not since I was Chris. He was taken from
his old life by a Blackfoot brave who loved him. In the boy's new life, he
was shown things: the beauty of vast open spaces, rolling hills, rivers, and
the abundance of life that dwelt in such places if he but opened his eyes to
see them. Owopspec showed him how.
"Is this what you've brought me to see?" asks Jesse.
I'm smiling to myself. We're often Thinking to each other where I miss
hearing his soft Indian accent. My hand squeezes his. Before us is a large
grove of pines at the bottom of this hill. "I felt drawn to this place when
we drove past the other day. It seems like a good place to lose ourselves in
its tranquil beauty."
"A way to escape as well," adds Jesse. He taps the side of his head.
"Yes. That too." I'm pulling on my love's hand when he slips again. The
sloping here is getting severe. My shoes are better suited than his to find
footholds over the slippery grass. An occasional rock outcropping stops our
tendency to run downwards. I didn't know it would be this dangerous though.
"A challenge, love! My former self often urged yours to achieve something
difficult by saying that nothing worthwhile was easily won. Remember what
happened to you at Buffalo Watch Hill?"
A sharp breath blows out my nose. "I fell." Jes gives me a pained look
that comes from another memory not shared by my former self. I'm barely
Glimpsing his thoughts which he casts away before I catch their fullness. It
was about Chris. Something very painful and sad to Owopspec.
"He climbed up that hill easily enough but the going down proved harder."
"I... ah, Chris slipped. He should have pulled off his moccasins and done
it with bare feet. At least the boy didn't break his neck."
Jesse giggles. "Look there, love."
I spot the path trodden by animals, probably cattle, a little ways from
where we're poised against this outcropping. Before heading for it, I give my
lover a questioning look. He acts like he doesn't know what puzzles me so I
voice it. "What bad thing happened to Owopspec at the Watch Hill?"
Jesse draws in a trembling breath and looks away. "I'll tell you about it
another time. Okay?"
"Okay." With a firm grip of my lover's slim brown hand, I help him get
over to that path. It winds steeply down this hill towards the pines I'm
destined for. At least we won't be slipping on grass anymore. I breath in
deeply. The scent of pine needles reminds me of happy childhood days where my
parents took us kids on camping trips. My sister Sarah didn't like the many
inconveniences. No shower, an outlet to plug in her hairdryer or a phone. She
was older than me and was often calling her girlfriends morning, day and
night. A week long camping trip was like falling off the earth to her. I loved
it! My parents took us to Wisconsin, a place called Devil's Lake just outside
of Baraboo. We set up a big tent. Some people used trailers but I'd felt that
was cheating. I spent my days fishing, swimming and hiking up the cliffs or
taking that lakeside walk along the train tracks to the northern end.
"I've never gone camping."
I turn to Jesse with surprise. "Really?"
"Just because I'm Native doesn't mean we live out in the wilds."
"You did in your former life."
"Yes. A whole lifetime of living in a tipi with my People following the
buffalo herds or wintering by Big Bend River. In this life, my parents kept
me in a house that sheltered me from many things because I was autistic.
Grandfather took me out to see places that didn't have four walls and a roof.
He showed me the stark beauty of the res. Sometimes from the back of a horse!
I enjoyed feeling the sun on my head, the wind in my hair and smelling scents
that were familiar and exciting to me. He'd tell me the names of plants. I
somehow knew them already but not from a book or seeing it on T.V."
"You were remembering them from your former self."
"Probably." Jesse looks down towards the stand of pines awaiting them.
"Let's get going, love. I'd rather reminisce on flat ground than on this goat
path. The sun is burning my hair here."
I've never thought about that. The sun lightens the color to my hair but
my skin is easily burned in the summer. Meeting with Charms A Bird earlier
has given my face a sunburn. It's falling behind us. The pines will offer us
a sheltered place to eat our sandwiches, amongst other things. That thought
gets my dick tingling.
Jesse smiles slyly. "Pine needles make for soft bedding."
"Yeah." My lover grips the bag holding lunch in his right hand while I
steady his footing down this path by gripping his left hand. He's leading me.
The sun becomes hidden by the steep hill behind us. When I turn to look,
Jesse stumbles.
:Mike... Help!:
I'm pulling hard on his hand. Too hard! He falls onto me and his weight
knocks me onto my back. We slide down the remaining twenty feet like a sled
racing down a hill of packed snow. My arms are tight around him. The dirt
burns my ass even though I'm wearing jeans. My shoes come up against the
trunk of a pine. That's what stopped our sliding.
To my surprise, Jesse is giggling. I'd been scared by our 'fall' but it
didn't turn out as bad as I thought. The seat of my pants are likely ruined.
:It could have been worse, love.: More giggling.
Jesse Sends me an amusing image of Chris sliding down Buffalo Watch Hill
on his ass. He hadn't even worn a rear flap to protect his backside. Owopspec
climbed down to the boy to see if he'd been seriously hurt. There were no
broken bones, sprains or serious cuts. Only a grass burned ass.
:Kris couldn't be 'ridden' for a week after that, love.:
My face burns in remembrance. The greater injury had been to Christopher's
pride. For eight days, his cheeks were an angry red that drew painful slaps
to them by the other boys. He bore that punishment in silence. That was
expected of a youth who failed some manhood test or did something stupid to
hurt himself. As a white skin, Chris was expected to fail more than most. He
felt shamed most keenly because Owopspec couldn't give him Indian love for a
while. They'd been fucking each other nearly every night (and morning!) but
that stopped while his butt healed. He could've laid over Owopspec's back to
give Indian love or belly rubbed on top of his brave. Shame kept the boy from
making love those first few days. Then it was jealousy. I cast that bad
memory from my head. "The ride's over with. Get up."
Jesse lifts himself from my arms. I see that he's managed to keep hold of
our lunch. We exchange looks. His earlier amusement has turned somber. That's
probably from Peering in my head and sharing in my shame when I was thinking
about how badly my former self had acted.
"Are you hungry?" Jesse softly asks.
I'm nodding in reply. We find a thickly needled spot to sit under the
pines. He hands me a turkey sandwich and a Coke. I'll be sure to open that
can carefully since it might explode. Jes gives me a sympathetic look.
:Kris couldn't help how he felt, love.:
:He shouldn't have been jealous of Wind-go-through-his-hair. Owopspec and
that boy had been lovers long before Chris was taken into their tipi to share
in it.:
:But Kris didn't know there was a boy already in Bad-eyes' tipi.:
:Yeah. It really hurt my former self when he learned that. When his butt
was out of action, he watched Wind-go-through-his-hair fucking Owopspec those
eight nights with growing jealousy. They performed Indian love really well.
Better than Chris thought he could. He was offered to take his turn over the
brave's back but feigned that his body hurt too much. Actually, it was his
heart that was aching too much.:
:Wind-go-through-his-hair didn't allow his butt to be taken by the brave.:
:That's why Chris felt bad. The injury to his butt kept him from giving
Owopspec that which made them lovers or so he thought at the time. Chris and
Wind-go-through-his-hair would take turns fucking their brave. It was a kind
of contest between the boys to see who could get the man moaning in pleasure
the loudest. Chris would give Owopspec his butt afterwards. That was his
expected place in their triad. An act of Indian love that his 'rival' denied
the man as if not loving him enough. He was really stupid thinking that.:
I take a bite from my turkey sandwich. Jes starts nibbling on his. He
looks up at me with a sympathetic gaze.
:Kris had only been in Bad-eyes' tipi for a few moons. He was new to gay
love and had to deal with sharing that man with another boy. None of them
spoke English and he was only beginning to learn Siksika. Otherwise, they
could have talked about it so Kris wouldn't have suffered in silence.:
:My former self was a real dumb fuck. He was so wrapped up in his wrong
thoughts and jealousy that he ignored their attempts to communicate with him.
Body language and such. Wind-go-through-his-hair tried being nice to Chris.
He tended his sore ass each day with healing herbs and a liberal coating of
buffalo fat. Did my former self think kindly of that? No way! He felt that
his rival was only doing it to remind him that he was a white skin who did a
stupid thing by falling off that hill, shaming himself in front of the brave.
Wind-go-through-his-hair was Indian. He could talk with Owopspec and do that
man's ass better than Chris. They'd been together as lovers longer than him.:
I'm shaking my head back and forth in dismay.
"Mike. Your former self did come to learn what love really was. Not just
the giving of his ass to Bad-eyes, Wind-go-through-his-hair and the other
boys in his tribe." A sly grin. "You've learned this truth quicker than Kris.
Your heart is big enough to share a love with my uncle. He needed you after
losing his lover."
"Running Water has found another guy to love. He won't need me anymore."
"Don't be so sure," says Jesse. "Murl may fuck him and forget him. That's
often the case with white skins."
My eyes flash. "And I'm not?"
"No, love. I have looked beyond the color of your skin and know that your
heart is good. You're following the good red road."
"Trying to, anyway..." Something Charms A Bird said strikes me. Actually,
it was something he quoted from Yoda: 'Do. Or do not. There is no try.' He
showed me that I am my own worse enemy. I've worried about things too much.
Am I falling into that pool of despair so quickly again? No! The remaining
bite is taken from my sandwich. I set the unopened can of Coke on the ground.
Love fills my heart that spills over into my eyes, my smiling lips and to my
hands reaching out for the man sitting in front of me. Jesse sets down the
remains of his sandwich over the bag.
"I wondered when you would remember your other hunger, love."
We rush to embrace. I'm spilling the love from my heart to Jes with my
lips pressed against his, our tightening arms around each other while inside,
we Share that utter joy of connecting thoughts, tender emotions and having
our spirits Joined. In that sacred place of our lives is a child. Our love
nurtures him. How we act as human beings will teach this unborn how to be a
good person when his chance at life comes. :Jesse! Let's Sing to our child.:
We do so.
"You have beautiful eyes, Jesse." He smiles. I drop mine from his, yet
ever am I Seeing my lover and he Looks at me with such happiness. Our child
Shares in the beauty that is us as his parents. My left hand runs over my
lover's flat stomach that tickles him. There's no baby within. This child
comes not from our flesh but in the Joining of our spirits. When he is born,
will we be remembered?
"Yes, love."
I accept Jesse's assurance that it will be so. My eyes return to his. He
is so beautiful! Expressive brown eyes, soft rounded cheeks, broad forehead,
and long black hair flowing down past his shoulders to the mat of needles
we're laying upon. My lover's lips are trembling. I wet mine and give him
the kiss we both want at this moment. It is sweet. Joy bursts in our hearts
for being together and Sharing our lives with an unborn. We Sang to him. He
Heard. When I try remembering our Song, all that comes to me is the joy. The
details of a fading dream soon forgotten.
Jesse lays over my chest with his long arms rushing around me, tightening
as if never letting me go. I pull him fully on top. More kisses. We've made
love earlier, in spirit. Now our bodies express that need to do so. His hard
dick rubs against mine through our pants while my hands pull hungrily over
his butt. Thoughts of how to join our bodies run through our heads. Fucking
is considered. Ah, no. The needles below me are soft when in clothes but will
prickle us naked. We're outside. Someone might see us so we'll wait until
tonight for so intimate a joining.
"I need you right now!" begs Jesse.
His hungry kisses are convincing me. We gasp for breath. "I want you too!"
When Jes lifts his belly from mine, I struggle with unsnapping the front of
his pants and zipper him down. My hands quickly uncover him. I rush to pull
my own pants down. He falls on top of me with a meeting of naked warmth. We'd
removed our shirts earlier to press our tit scars together as it was done
against the Power Bundle in an offering of blood. That rite proved our
willingness to Pass its held spirit into our bodies. We repeated that sacred
ritual during our Song.
Pine needles are sticking into my butt. I ignore their discomfort when
making love to Jesse. His hands are pulling over my shoulders. Mine have
returned to his soft wiggly butt. We set the beat to our rubbing cocks. An
urgent pace that fills us with ever increasing male thrills. Breaths rush
through our noses while we kiss. His long hair spills to my face, tickling my
ears and neck. My sight is obscured. Inner Sight reveals such lust in my
lover that matches mine. We don't Share ourselves as closely as when we were
Singing. This moment isn't spiritual. We're satisfying the needs of the flesh
that also brings us much joy. Jes needs to come out. So do I!
I hear sharp wailing from my lover. His mouth lifts to my nose, sucking on
it while I'm kissing his chin. Jes is getting close to fulfilling himself.
His dick stabs downwards onto my cock that gets his butt humping wildly in my
hands. I'm keeping a firm grip of his cheeks. Our lips come together for more
urgent kisses. I stick my tongue deep into his mouth. He wishes that it was
my cock sticking into his ass instead. :Tonight! I promise.:
Belly rubbing with Jes allows us to kiss when we make love. The sensations
from our chests moving together, our cock thrusts, naked bodily warmth and
our hands pulling over each other is thrilling. I'm feeling very intense. He
cries out in his boyish high pitched voice. Wet splashes to my belly. I lift
my ass from the ground to stab him back. That has me cumming. Ahhhh!
The joy of this moment is hard to describe. You have to live it to know
how utterly satisfying love can be when you're in the arms of the right guy.
Jesse completes me. We Share so much of ourselves from the spiritual,
emotional and the intellectual. Two different people. Yet in this brief moment
we are of one flesh. Such pleasure from it!
Our heated bodies slow against each another. Jesse rests over me for a
while, enjoying male relief as I am. I lift my hands from his soft butt. His
silky long hair is coiled around my fingers that draws his eagle's feather
into my hand. This is an Indian in my arms. He's more lithe of body, small
like a youth, and gentle of heart than I'd imagined falling in love with. My
boyhood fantasies depicted a rough warrior on top of me. Jes buries his face
in my neck to hide himself. Even his thoughts are being guarded from me.
"What's wrong?"
"Are you... uncomfortable?"
Such shyness to his spoken plea. "No." I think he's concerned about the
pine needles sticking me from below.
"I was in such need, love."
"We both were." I've caught the unspoken concern in my lover for being so
aggressive just now. "I'll make love to you anyplace, anytime."
"Am I heavy?" asks Jesse.
"No." I give my lover a fond slap to his butt to prove it. :What's wrong?:
He Opens his thoughts to me and I learn what's bothering him. Giving into his
male lust was more than for relief. He wanted to prove to me that he can act
like a man in my arms. "You are a warrior, Jes-ee-ah."
"You didn't think I was very manly at the pizzeria."
"What do you mean?"
"You were bothered by how daintily I ate like a woman."
I sigh sharply, regret filling me that Jes had picked up on my thoughts at
the table. :You shouldn't be Peeking on me all the time. Some of my thoughts
are unworthy, Jes.:
:I'm trying not to, love. Some of your thoughts are so loud that I can't
help myself.:
:I shouldn't have thought that way about you.:
:But you did. I wish that I were more like Running Water for you.:
:No... I love you for being who you are!: Jes lifts his face from my neck
to peer shyly at me. He's not so sure. We're mind speaking so nothing can be
kept from the other. Could Jesse be right about me wishing he were more
manly like his uncle who fulfills my boyhood fantasy of being ravaged by a
strong warrior? Running Water rapes my ass good but I've taken his as well.
In my fantasies, it never occurred to me that an Indian would let me fuck
him. Or a boy at that.
:I'll try to act more manly for you.:
I'm shaking my head back and forth. :Just be yourself, Jes.: He knows that
I love him very much. We're spiritually Connected so there's no denying that
we're gonna be together for the rest of our lives. Our sex is very satisfying.
I liked how aggressive he was just now to initiate belly rubbing with me but
it has embarrassed him, not in keeping with how he views himself for being...
gay.
A funny thought strikes me. I act on it by rolling us over until I'm on
top. My hands push his arms down to the ground. He doesn't resist; helpless.
:You're right about Running Water. He acts like that warrior in my boyhood
fantasy by having me submit to his will. I have another fantasy about Indians
that I didn't realize until just now.: My deepest secret is Revealed to Jes.
:I am that little boy you want to take care of.:
"Yeah." Jesse is no longer shy and unsure of himself that had come from
being autistic. He's grown up due to our special bond. No longer that little
boy he was when we first met.
:You really like my butt,: Says Jesse. :It's small like a boy's.:
My eyes widen from revelation. My desire for an Indian boy isn't only to
take care of him but my lust for his smallish body. Jesse's is thin and
frail. He giggles instead of laughs. At sexual climax, he cries out in a high
pitched voice like a youth. And his ass! It's small and shapely like a boy's.
I've enjoyed rimming it and 'raping' him with the same desire I'd felt for an
Indian warrior to take my butt. Jes looks like a boy but he isn't. He acts
more mature than me at times. I'm feeling a little confused.
:A coin has two sides, does it not?: Asks Jesse.
He means that sexually, it has a 'manly' front and a 'womanly' rear. Jes
Shows me how a coin flip can land either 'heads' or 'tails'.
:That's me, love. I'm two spirited.:
I notice that I've been holding Jesse down to the ground. "Sorry..." He
turns onto his side and brushes the pine needles from his butt. I'm pulling
him into my lap. Our mingling cum from my belly wets his brown cheeks.
"I'm sorry for acting silly just now. Can you... hold me?"
My arms tighten around my lover. He's trembling like a leaf and that's
when I realize that there's something more going on here than his concern
about not acting manly enough for me. :What's really troubling you, Jes?:
He doesn't Answer me. His thoughts become guarded but I Sense his fear. A
sigh escapes my lips. It must be a shaman's concern where I've promised not
to press him to reveal anything. Charms A Bird and him have been Talking to
each other. I suspect that my lover is worried about that shaman's encounter
with Trickster Eli Kie. :He will prevail, my love!:
:He must. For my sake.:
So that's what's troubling Jesse. His former self promised not to come up
in him but only if Charms A Bird vanquishes that Trickster. Otherwise... I
release a harsh breath against my lover's ear. :We'll be There with Charms A
Bird on that moonless night to help him combat Evil.:
:Yes, love. That's why I gathered those pine needles from that tree you
sat at. They'll help us Reach out to Charms A Bird in ritual.:
I Sense that my lover is still holding something back. Some danger he's
afraid to reveal to me if we help that shaman. "Shh. It'll be alright." I
kiss along Jesse's right shoulder. He smells good. A mixture of sweat and
the lime scent from his skin. My tenderness is calming him. I'm tempted to
Glean what's troubling him but I won't. He needs to keep secrets from me. I
trust my lover enough to know that he wouldn't endanger us needlessly or do
anything against my wishes. He let me sit in my truck this morning like a
dumb ass when he and his mom went to visit with Jake. I appreciated that.
:You did come back to the path, love.:
:Charms A Bird pointed out the way. I found you there waiting for me.:
Jesse nods. When he tries lifting himself from my arms, I let him go.
I'm brushing the pine needles from his backside. He turns to me, smiling,
offering me his left hand. I stand up beside him. My butt is brushed off.
Gone is my lover's earlier fright, at least from showing on his face though I
suspect he's buried his fear deep inside him. I'm about to Ask that he Share
it with me...
"Let's go for a walk." Jesse looks around at the grove of pines that
they're standing in.
I'm slowly nodding. Jes pulls up his underwear and pants and I'm doing the
same. Maybe he'll tell me in a little bit. We hold hands, my white one around
his brown hand that reminds me how we come from very different societies.
I've been trying to live in his. What did grandfather tell me once? Hmm.
He said that I shouldn't turn my back on my own beliefs.
I pull on my lover's hand to lead him through the trees. He goes willingly
though to where I do not know. This I do know. I'll not become part of the
Blackfoot Tribe but remain true to my own people by helping the Indians in my
own way. Chris tried being accepted by them. His white skin, blond hair and
differing beliefs had set him apart from the People and that's why he failed.
I won't try to be an Indian but a proud White skin. My heart is good. The
Blackfoot will come to learn this about me and accept who I am as a man.
Jesse smiles when I peer at him. He hasn't commented on my thoughts but
acknowledges what I've decided by his bright eyes. My hand tightens around
his. This man will follow in his grandfather's footsteps and become shaman.
That's how he'll serve the People. I'll serve them by... How?
:Through your love to others,: Jesse Answers. :You've brought me out of
arkness so that I can fulfill the role destined for me.:
Jes means when I made him 'normal'. He no longer suffers from autism
because of my love. That happened even before the Power Bundle's spirit was
Passed into us so that's how I know it was really me; not Indian magic.
:Yes, love. You've also helped my uncle. Running Water no longer mourns
for his lover when you comforted his ailing heart. And then there's Simon.:
His grandfather has appointed me monedo of the boy to guide him towards
manhood. Not from teaching him about sex but for him to learn, really learn
what it means to be gay which is more than expressing his dick with another
man. He can love him. Completely.
:Your heart is good, Short Hair. Such love in it!:
Jesse turns to me and gives me a kiss. Right on my cheek. That part of me
which is Christopher finally understands who I as Mike had already learned.
Be yourself. There is strength in this that can be offered to others in need.
And we will.
I'm kneeling before a fast moving stream. Cold water is brought to my face
to ease its sunburn. When I look for Jes, my right ear is tickled. A kiss?
:Not me, love!: Giggling. :He's the one giving you a kiss.:
:Who?: There's a yellow blur at the edge of my eyesight.
:A butterfly.:
I see its wing gently flapping against my right cheek. The water on my
brow must have attracted it.
:You are given a sign from the Above.:
I'm Sensing the awe in my lover. :What sign?:
:My People believe that butterflies are messengers from the Spirits.:
I Open myself to Hear its words... Nothing.
:No, silly! Him alighting on you is the message.:
I'm slowly getting to my feet so as to not disturb it from its perch on
my ear. :What message?:
:A loved one or family member who's Passed on is letting you know that
they are Watching over you.:
I'm looking around. Jesse closes his eyes to See with inner Sight. Our
Connection wavers for a moment that leaves me feeling faint. He looks at me.
:Your grandmother.:
:Which one? Both of my parent's mothers are in heaven.: Jesse doesn't
Answer me right away. His thoughts were being guarded.
:Your mother's mother. I caught a Glimpse of her brown face and flowing
black hair. There's a turquoise necklace worn around her neck. She spoke in a
loud voice.:
:That's Betsy With-a-big-voice!: Jesse only nods in reply. The butterfly
flies off into the sky until it's lost from sight. I'm left feeling awed. My
right hand is grasped by my lover. He speaks words not from him.
"Ah. So you say!" Jesse laughs with a booming voice.
I shake my lover by his shoulders. He closes his eyes for a moment then
opens them to peer up shyly at me. He's returned to himself.
"What... happened?" asks Jesse.
He doesn't know? I'm wetting my lips and speak. "You spoke a few words. I
think they were hers though I never knew my grandmother."
"Oh."
I'm giving my lover a hug. We both realize that a spirit of the dead has
Spoken through him and it's giving him the chills. Not from fright - awe. His
grandfather had been given a vision about him: 'He will walk forward with one
foot firmly on our Mother while his other foot rises on a moon beam...'
Jesse Hears these unspoken words in my thoughts. We're both looking up at
the sky in awe.
A rumbling sound starts up in the distance. A car motor or something. It
breaks this fragile moment when we look down the stream for its source. Jes
is reluctant to investigate but I'm game. "Let's go see what it is."
We follow the stream for about a quarter mile. When the pines on our side
thin out, I note the hills to our right. We'd come down a steep ridge behind
us and that's when I realize we're in a long gully. It was formed by this
stream when it was a raging river long ago. I'm feeling exposed here. There
are trees across from us that we could run into and hide. Hmm. That's a
strange thought. It'd felt like an old woman was scolding me to be safe.
:What is that?: Asks Jesse.
I see it too. Set beside the stream is a large machine. Smoke issues from
its exhaust vent. I think it's a portable generator of some kind that runs on
gas, rumbling so loud that we have to mind speak. :I'm not sure.:
:Maybe it's a water pump. See the big intake pipe set in the stream? There
are eight... no ten pipes running off from it into that field.:
I step closer to the pump. We don't see who's started it but he's likely
somewhere in the field watering his crops.
:No. There are misters,: Says Jesse. :I've seen people use them to water
their front lawns so they don't have to bother with a hose.:
Jes points at a short pipe sticking from the ground that issues a fine
spray. I've heard that this system of watering is very efficient. Why is
someone tending a small plot in this gully? I examine the tall green stalks
and recognize their configuration of seven sharp pointed leaves. No buds yet.
:My God, Jes! These are marijuana plants that someone is growing here.: I'm
quickly looking around in fear. They won't take kindly to us discovering
them. At that moment, a horse is heard snorting from behind us. A man's voice
booms out.
"Hey! What are you doing here?"
We spin over our feet to face him. This man is white. It's hard to tell
his age because a handkerchief covers the lower part of his face. Jes thinks
he's a bandit. The brim of this man's hat is drawn down to his eyes. There's
fear in them turning to anger when he rides up to us on his brown mare. He
looks down on us. I note his worn jeans, mud splattered, and a long sleeved
shirt. He's been busy in his pot field.
"This is private land you're trespassing on!"
"Sorry." Sharp fear squeezes my stomach. I Glean this man: he's a cattle
rancher but this isn't his land he claims that we're trespassing on. We're
still in the Rosebud Reservation. This crop of marijuana is being grown in a
narrow gully that's difficult to get into. He has to walk his horse down into
it. That's why he hopes to escape detection by the Sioux and law enforcement.
"Could you please tell how us how to get out of here?" asks Jesse.
My lover was actually pleading with him to let us leave here in peace.
The man circles his horse around us. Jesse stands very close to me but we
don't hold hands. My thoughts are racing. I need to assure him that we don't
pose a threat or worse, that we've come to steal his plants or something.
"What are you doing here?" the man repeats.
"Just taking a walk." I look towards the pines across the stream. We could
run and find safety in them.
:Don't move, love. He has a rifle.:
I've just noticed that myself. The man's right hand has reached down for
it from a sheath tied to his saddle.
"A walk?" the man asks in disbelief. "This isn't an easy place to get down
into. You. Are you Sioux?"
Jesse shakes his head. "We were taking a walk. That's the truth!"
"We got lost so we started following the stream to find a way out," I add.
He obviously doesn't believe us. I'm Gleaning more from this man. His name is
Roy Collins. He's been growing a crop of marijuana for a handful of seasons
without discovery... until now. It'll earn him tens of thousands of dollars
at harvest. More than our two lives are worth! His right hand draws out his
rifle and he points it menacingly at us. A strong memory comes over me at
this moment.
A fire from behind lights up the night yet its glow doesn't cast enough
light to see this man's face. He chuckling from the shadows. I heard him say
something about ending up with his throat cut by my squaw. He's not stupid.
I assure him that he's not, especially with his pistol pointed right at me.
He takes a few steps towards us and eases down to his haunches to grab
something from the ground. Owopspec violently pushes me to the left and he
springs forward at the man. I hear a shot! The two of them are struggling
over the ground.
:Get your firing stick, Kris! I can take care of myself.:
The bright sun filling my eyes snaps me out of it. Roy cocks his rifle.
I Glean that he's gathering up the will to shoot us since he must. Oh, God!
"You're going to tell on me to your Indian friends," Roy snarls.
"I'm not Sioux," Jesse calmly replies.
"Hah. I see your feather. If I let you go, you'll bring back a party of
warriors to scalp me, eh? Then you'll grab my pot. I don't think so!"
:Jes. He's gonna shoot us dead!: I Send in a mind burst.
:I know! Get ready to run...:
I'm getting the strong urge to fall to my knees instead. I do so. Before
Roy can re-aim his rifle at me, Jesse slaps the horse's rump and shouts. It
rears up in fright. I release a blood curdling shout that sends the spooked
horse galloping. The man has barely managed to stay in his saddle.
:RUN!: Jesse mind shouts.
As I'm about to follow my lover, I catch sight of Roy's rifle laying on
the ground. He must have dropped it. I'm grabbing it and rush to the stream
Jesse has already crossed. Day turns to night again. I'm swept back into
that strong memory...
My rifle is cocked. Another pistol shot goes off that freezes my heart!
:He missed me,: assures Good-eyes. :Shoot him!:
I see the man bringing his pistol around to shoot my lover in the face!
He's no match to that man's strength. "Let him go!" I shout. I'm aiming my
rifle but Jes is in the way.
:Get ready to shoot him dead, Kris... Now!:
Jesse rolls over the ground. The man's pistol lifts to take a shot at me!
:Shoot him now! Do it, Kris!:
I... can't. Splashing through the cold stream brings me back to the Now.
The rifle in my hand is cast into the water where it can't hurt anyone. Jes
meets me around a big pine tree. Such fear in his eyes! I was expecting him
to be really angry at me for not shooting that man.
:Love! I Sense something wrong in your head so don't think about it. Just
follow me through these trees. Can you do that?:
:Yes.: Jesse starts running again. I follow him. We're keeping our ears
out for Roy's horse but don't hear pursuit. Our race through the woods was
going in a straight line away from the stream but now Jes turns sharply left.
Oh. We're following the steep ridge where we've come down. Where is that path
up?! Breaths are racing through my mouth. My side is aching me a lot from all
the running but I keep at it. Jesse stops before a pine and rests. He's out
of breath as well. Our eyes meet.
:We have to get the police, Mike!:
I'm shaking my head violently.
:But why? That man was going to shoot us!:
:I know.:
:We got away from him but what happens if someone else happens onto his
marijuana plants and he catches them?:
:I can't go to the police, Jes.: In a mind burst, I remind my lover that
by driving Winna and him down to South Dakota, I've broken the terms to my
bail for leaving Hill County. That's what my lawyer told me on the phone.
Jesse nods in understanding. He looks through the trees behind me for
that man but doesn't see anything. :Let's keep moving.:
:Okay.: I take the lead in our run. Before long, we come upon that bed of
pine needles that formed our love bed earlier. Yup. There's my can of Coke.
A plastic bag filled with our sandwich wrappers is also seen. We're grabbing
everything. That cattle path we took down this hill is seen up yonder. Relief
fills us both.
The sign to Jake's school we're passing under is like the finish line to a
race that we've won. A race for our lives! Jesse squeezes my hand. I give my
lover an assuring grin and he turns towards me with his head burying in my
chest, his right arm reaches around my waist. He's trembling.
:We made it!: Cries Jesse.
:Yes. Everything's alright now, my love.: My thoughts return to what
happened back there with that man. Not Roy. Twice, I'd been swept into a
strong memory of Christopher's when he and Owopspec had struggled with a
pistol wielding man in the dark.
:I'd Seen you reliving that memory but Mike! It never happened.:
Jes is right. Our former selves had never encountered a thief in the night.
Yet... it seemed so real!: Goose bumps form over my skin when I recall that
although it was Owopspec mind speaking to me, I saw Jesse struggling with
that man. He wore strange clothes. I was wearing a cowboy hat.
:We were on our honeymoon,: Says Jesse.
:But we haven't yet.: My eyes widen when the full impact of my lover's
words strike me.
:You were Seeing something that is going to happen to us.:
Jesse lifts his head from my chest. I'm turning into the parking lot.
There's an empty spot near the administration building so I'm driving into
it and shut my engine off. We both breathe a sigh of relief.
"Did you two get something to eat?" asks Winna. A yawn fills her mouth
which she quickly covers with her hand.
"Yes, mom."
I'm looking at my lover, his thoughts assuring me that he's not gonna say
anything about our encounter with Roy if I don't. No need to upset his mom.
"We had a picnic."
"That's nice." Another yawn.
We're sitting in Rosemary's office. Fr. McMillan is having a talk with
Jake in his office that often draws Winna's eyes to his closed door. We're
silently pleading to this woman to tell us what's going on but she doesn't.
I won't Glean it out of her.
:I'm proud of your restraint, love.:
:I've promised not to do that with family.: My gift to See into people had
saved our lives today! Jesse wouldn't have slapped that horse if I didn't
Glean Roy's intent to murder us to protect the secret of his marijuana crop.
We would have just stood there, hoping that he'd let us go.
:He has to be reported to the police!: Jesse pleads. :Someone else might
cross his path and get shot. We'll be responsible for not stopping him!:
My breath comes out trembling. :Alright, Jes. Let me think of a way to tip
off the police without them knowing it was us.:
"I'd like to take Jake on a picnic with us tomorrow," says Winna.
"Sure, mom. Jake's told us about a park nearby that we can go to."
"Really?" Winna yawns again.
We can tell how tired this woman is. She needs to go to bed. I'm looking
at that closed door again, wondering when the Father is gonna be done talking
with Jake so I can drive Winna back to her motel room.
"It's done. Jake will be coming home with us."
I hear the joy in Winna's voice though tired sounding as it is. "I'm glad."
That earns me a Look from the woman. "Really I am!"
Winna drops her eyes to her feet. She releases her tense breath in a huff.
"That boy is going to need all our support."
She means 'cause he's gay but in denial. "Your son and I are gonna help
those who... are like us. That's why Goes-late-in-the-night asked me to be
Simon's monedo." I see the sharpness to Winna's eyes. "That doesn't mean by
having sex with him."
"Not with my nephew either, Mike."
I'm nodding in agreement. When it seems like Winna is gonna say something
difficult towards that point, Jesse speaks up.
"Let's talk about this another time, mom. Alright? You're really tired."
I've caught the meaning behind my lover's words. He's warning his mom not
to say something rash that'll upset me like before. It's her turn to nod. At
that moment, the door opens. Fr. McMillan comes out followed by Jake. The man
is smiling to us in assurance but the boy is hanging his head. He won't meet
our gaze.
"Hi, Jake."
The boy peers at Jesse with sad puppy eyes. I'm Hearing the directed
thoughts my lover gives him and he obviously Heard. Jake gently nods. Jes had
Asked him to 'hang in there' and that tomorrow will be a brighter day.
Winna goes to her nephew and hugs him. I can tell that's embarrassed Jake
since he's never had that much contact with women. Only men and boys at this
school. She asks the boy something. He mutters "Yes".
"This has been a busy day," says Fr. McMillan, "but all lot of good things
were achieved."
"My mother is really tired."
"Why don't you take her back to your motel? You can come back tomorrow
afternoon for another visit."
Winna is hopeful that the boy will look forward to that. When I look at
Jake, he gives us a weak grin. I'd been expecting that charming smile of his
but that mask he's been wearing has been shattered.
I'm driving out of Rosebud when Winna opens her eyes to look at us. I'd
thought she'd been sleeping until hearing her voice.
"Jake will be taking tests tomorrow morning so he can graduate from the
tenth grade. We'll pick him up afterwards."
"What was the Father talking with Jake about in his office?" asks Jesse.
I've caught the alarm in his mother's eyes. Then my attention is forced
back to the road.
"Oh. Probably to assure Jake that everything is going to be alright. It is
a big change in his life to be leaving his school. Now, he'll be with family
after all of these years."
"I'm happy, mom!"
Winna smiles. "The change of Guardianship doesn't take place until noon
Sunday. Mike? What do you think is the best way for us to get home?"
She knows that there won't be room in my truck for four. "Jake suggested
that Amtrak may be the best way to go. It'll be less expensive than flying.
I have to drive my truck home." I'm casting a hopeful gaze at Jesse that
he'll come with me.
:I should be with my mom. You know how Jake can be quite a handful, love.
Is that alright with you?:
:Sure.: Of the three of us, Jake feels closest to his cousin. He'll listen
to Jes. The boy hasn't been mothered since he was five so an aunt is rather
threatening to him. My lover will keep the boy in line on their way home.
:I can talk with Jake during the train ride. Maybe he'll open up to me
some more.:
:Not with your mom sitting right beside you.:
:We could get away from our seats to look at the passing landscape. I've
heard that trains have observation domes.:
It looks like Jes has it all worked out. :Good luck, my love. If anyone
can bring the boy out of himself, it's you.:
"I am worried about you driving alone, Mike."
I hear Winna's concern. "Jesse doesn't have a license so it's not like he
could have helped me drive."
"I don't mean that."
Winna means when her son kept me from driving off the road. I'd fallen
asleep, what... twice? and if not for my lover, I could have gotten into a
crash. That's her greatest concern, and mine. I'm facing a fifteen hour drive
back to Havre so I can attend court Monday morning.
"I'll help keep Short Hair awake," says Jesse. "Even if that means
Talking him to death!"
That's right. We're always Connected so my lover will know if I'm nodding
off behind the wheel and Shout at me to wake up.
"Very well," says Winna. She closes her eyes for the rest of the ride
back to their motel.
I'm parked along the side of the donut shop in Mission. Jesse rushes up
to me with a cup of coffee held in both hands. I reach out my window to take
it from him. We exchange nervous looks. :You didn't see any police officers
in there?: That was the real reason my lover went into the donut shop. He
shakes his head. "You still want to go through with this?"
"Yes! If we don't shut Roy down, someone else could get hurt."
I'm blowing out a tense breath through my nose. :Very well then.: Jes
walks back to the donut shop. He's lost from view when turning the corner
but I know where he's headed. A public phone. It's near the front door. My
lover Opens his thoughts to me when picking up the receiver. He's dialing
911. A woman's voice over the phone asks if he has an emergency.
"Yes. I want to report a crime," answers Jesse. "Anonymously..."
I'm driving towards Rosebud. A check of my rearview mirror shows that
we're not being followed. Silly, really. Jesse's call had only taken five
minutes but I was concerned that the emergency dispatcher might trace his
call back to the donut shop and if officers had been inside, she could have
called them over their radio and make Jes 'finish' his crime report in person.
That's what we wanted to avoid.
:She asked me twice who I was,: Says Jesse.
:I know.: My lover had me listening in to his call. :You did good, Jes.:
He gave an account of coming upon those marijuana plants in that gully. And
Roy himself. How he very nearly shot us dead! The only part Jes changed was
that I was his 'brother' instead of his White companion. That should put the
police off our scent if they try looking for that anonymous witness amongst
the Sioux.
Maybe she didn't believe me.:
:You provided her lots of details.: I grip my lover's hand in assurance.
:It's a plausible story that a local rancher is growing pot on the res.
She'll send out officers to that gully to check it out.:
:But will they find anything?: Asks Jesse.
:Roy would have cleared out after we escaped him in the fear that you
would bring back a 'war party' to scalp him like he said. That pump is too
big for him to drag out of that gully with only a horse. His fingerprints are
probably all over it.:
:I shouldn't have told her about that man's fallen rifle you'd thrown into
the stream!:
:Don't worry. The water would have wiped my prints from it. If Roy had
registered that weapon under his name, the police can trace it back to him by
its serial number. They're at least gonna find that plot of marijuana plants
and destroy them. Roy won't dare return to that gully.:
:We didn't put him out of business though,: Says Jesse. :He'll just start
up again somewhere else.:
:Not if the police arrest Roy.:
:I should have given her that man's name you Gleaned from him, love.:
I'm shaking my head. :That wouldn't have been believable. You gave her a
description of 'a white rancher riding a brown mare'. When investigators lift
Roy's fingerprints from that pump, the water pipes, and trace that rifle's
serial number back to him, they'll find their man.:
:I hope you're right, love. The only reason I reported Roy to the police
was to stop him from shooting anyone else who might find his secret plot.:
I'm nodding in agreement. My thoughts turn guarded from Jes. I hope that
the police will be sent out to that gully to check on my lover's story. Will
they find fingerprints? Roy's might not be on record. And that rifle I'd
tossed into the stream might not be registered in his name. He could have set
fire to his marijuana plants to destroy the 'evidence'. I don't want my lover
to think that his call to 911 was in vain.
Shame fills me. I didn't act very brave by ducking under Roy's horse when
he was about to shoot us. What made me do that? I'd been caught up in a
strong memory at the time about a thief in the night who had accosted Chris
and Owopspec or so I thought. Jesse said that I'd Seen what is to happen to
us on our honeymoon. My 'memory' of that pistol wielding man is vague. All I
can remember is Owopspec mind shouting at me to shoot him. I couldn't.
"My mom wants us to enjoy a night out on the town," says Jesse.
I'm taken from my troubling thoughts. When I glance at my lover, he gives
me a bright grin. A deep breath fills my lungs. Released. That calms me and
I'm giving him a smile in return. Charms A Bird has told me that by looking
too far down the road has me stumbling over my feet. I need to live more in
the Now than worrying about the future. Right now, I'm with a cute looking
Indian boy whose mother is fast asleep in her motel room. I have her son
alone and all to myself. It hits me. Jes and I can enjoy going on a 'date'!
Jesse giggles. :You want to be sure that I'm the guy you want to marry?:
"I am going to marry you. For better or worse."
"We have been through the worse, love. It can only get better for us. What
o you want to do in Rosebud?"
"Are you hungry?"
"Not yet."
"I'm not either." We ate sandwiches on our picnic in the gully. That was
so stupid of me to investigate that rumbling sound down stream! It almost got
us killed. My lover is still smiling. He's not picked up on my thoughts.
"I want to show off my boyfriend around town," says Jesse. "I'll be the
envy of Sioux warriors who 'hunger' for a handsome pale face."
That has me laughing. "Be careful with what you wish for, my love. You may
get it." I'm throwing Jesse's words back at him. He'd warned me that Jake
might 'attack' me at the pond and the boy did just that. We wrestled naked.
I didn't enjoy it 'cause he forced me to by trying to prove that he was the
better man. It still blows my mind that Jake cummed to my lower back. He'd
very nearly raped my ass. Part of me wished he had. Oh. He did, in my dream.
Jesse tightens his hand around mine, lifting me from my guarded thoughts.
"Do you really want people to see that we're a..." I look down at our hands.
"We are a couple. It's nothing to be ashamed of, love."
"I'm not." We exchange knowing grins. Jes and I won't put on a blatant
display but if our hand holding, a quick kiss or our love eyes peering at the
other happens, we won't feel ashamed. That's how any couple acts in public
when they're in love.
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