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* "NEW TO TEACHING LOVE" *
* (part 4) *
* by Vince Water January 26, 2005 *
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| Copyright 2005-2006 by Vince Water Corrected 4/06 |
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I'm turning to Jes with a happy expression on my face. A burden has been
lifted from my shoulders by breaking yet another tie to my old life. Dianne
can get along without me. I'm gonna be staying here with my lover! The grin
fades from Jesse's lips when he gives me a serious look. What's wrong? I'm
not Sensing from him what that could be.
"Is that the secrets your laptop contains?" asks Jesse.
"Huh?"
"When you brought over your laptop on that night my mom invited you for
dinner, you didn't want to tell me its boot password because you'd said:
'I won't say it because that would be telling! You'd spread it around and
before I know it, everyone will be able to get into my laptop. Who knows what
secrets it contains?'"
My eyes widen in surprise. Jesse has quoted what I'd said word for word
in that soft Indian accent of his. He KNOWS what those secrets are by peeking
inside my head. Man! That's what I mean about not having any privacy from
him. I'm ashamed that he knows. Those porn images have gotta be erased from
my laptop. It was lucky that the police didn't find those hidden ones I have
of boys or I would be in a lot more trouble than I already am.
:You think so loudly, love. I'm not trying to peek on your secrets.:
My anger cools but I'm left feeling worried. What does Jes think about
what I'm hiding on my laptop's hard drive?
:Before you erase them, can I see?:
I'm guarding my thoughts from him. "They're just a bunch of naked guys."
"And those of boys?" Jesse carefully asks. "How do you know them?"
"I didn't take those pictures, Jes. They were downloaded from the Internet
but I'm afraid to keep them anymore. They're illegal."
"I'd still want to see before you erase them. You can take naked pictures
of me to replace what you're losing. That is, if it isn't illegal."
A small measure of relief comes to me. "No. It's okay to have pictures of
adults over the age of eighteen so long as they consent to it." Jes ponders
over what I've said.
"The only thing I'd be worried about is having the man who develops your
photos seeing me that way. You know... being naked."
"I would use a digital camera. That way, the images I'd take would be
transferred into my laptop without anyone else seeing them."
"You can do that?" asks Jesse.
I'm nodding in reply. My thoughts open to him so he can See how simple
that process is. It's exciting to know that Jesse is willing to let me take
naked shots of him. I'd want to have ones of him in clothes that I can email
to Dianne like she's asked. More than that, I'd really love to have pictures
that show the two of us together. As a couple.
"I'm sure mom would want to take pictures of us. She knows how to use a
camera and took lots when we went to powwows and other activities."
I've seen that framed photograph in the front room of Jes standing with
his parents. That's how I know what his dad looks like. My thoughts turn to
the kind of naked pics I'd like to have of my lover. Butt shots would be
really nice! Would he give me poses of himself bearing an erection?
Jesse gives me a shy expression. :I won't take any pictures that might
embarrass you. It's not like your mom is gonna see any of those without your
clothes on. I'll hide them on my laptop.:
:Okay.: Jesse looks down at himself with a frown. :Mine isn't that big
even when I'm, ah... feeling strong down there.:
There's a slight bulge in the front of my lover's jeans. My fingers trace
over his dick. :I have felt its power inside me fulfilling yourself as a man
from the love in your heart that hasn't left me wanting. You're big enough.:
Jes spins around. I fondle his nice curves sticking out from the back of his
pants. Ah, yeah. I'd like to take lots of pictures of his butt.
:I want to take pictures of you too, love. Every part of you! Your thing
is big and fits inside me with a joy I've never felt from Ron. When we make
love, we're together in every way.:
My hands turn Jesse around so that I can see his face. He's no longer shy
to be talking about such things and in his eyes, his love shines the brighter
for expressing his heart to me. Spoken words can be too clumsy. This is an
aspect of our Connection, Talking mind to mind that reveals how we're feeling
for each other. He makes me feel so happy! So loved.
Jes steps from my hands to tuck the left side of his shirt back into his
pants. That was just an excuse to stop me touching him. He's concerned that
it could lead to what had happened this morning when we lost ourselves in
false ecstasy. This is an aspect of our Connection that isn't so good. We
need to learn control.
"Do you have a digital camera?" asks Jesse.
"I did." He's reverted back to speaking out loud. I release a loud huff.
"It fell off my motorcycle when I was riding through the reservation a few
months ago."
"I'm sorry that happened."
"It's no big loss. I was hoping to take pictures of the half naked
Indians I expected to find running around in breechclouts. Instead, all I
found were run down trailers and wasteland. The Blackfoot museum was closed.
The only Indian men I found were getting drunk in a bar. They wouldn't give
me the time of day." I'm hanging my head in remembrance. "Anyway. I lost my
camera during that bumpy ride out of the reservation. It's a terrible road."
"Does a digital camera cost a lot?" asks Jesse.
"That one was a few hundred dollars. I can get a two mega pixel camera
today for the same price and the memory cards are cheaper too." Jes gives me
a puzzled expression. I revert into Mind Speech. :That digital camera I lost
only had a 1.3 meg. resolution. That refers to how detailed the photos it can
take. No telephoto lens.: I'm Sending Jesse images of my old camera along
with a technical explanation on how I transfer its memory to my laptop. He's
good with computers and picks up on what I'm Saying.
:A memory card can hold pictures as if it were camera film?:
:Yeah.: I Show Jes how my digital camera downloads images into my computer
through a cable. :Afterwards, I erase the camera's memory card so it can be
filled with new pictures. They're cheaper now. For the same price of my old
64 meg. CF card, I can get a 256 meg. memory card. That's easily hundreds of
pictures that I can take of you. Wal-Mart probably sells digital cameras.:
Jesse grins shyly. :I'd like to have pictures of us making love. I've
Seen us doing that from inside our heads but not outside of ourselves.
Someone has to be holding the camera though.:
:Maybe Running Water would be willing to take pictures of us,: I tease.
:He has a nice body. I'd like to get some naked shots of him, too.:
:No way! He thinks that taking photographs steals one's soul or at the
very least, weakens it. It's a belief shared amongst some of the People.:
:But you don't think that way.:
:No, silly. Grandfather told me that our spirits cannot be ensnared by
mere devices of men. Maybe Seen sometimes in photographs as ghostly auras
or points of light. We can't ask Running Water to take pictures of us though.
How about Simon?:
My thoughts turn to that bold youth. He was so willing to have sex with me
but after thwarting his advances, he turned to Running Water. All caution was
tossed to the wind after that. He gave that man a wet butt while I fucked
Jesse on the grass beside them. My face begins to burn when I remember that
boy sticking into my butt. He'd seen me getting fucked by Running Water. Man!
:Simon knew it was only sex.:
:Yeah, maybe. He was stuck on Running Water for a while there until we
explained things to the boy.:
:I can ask Simon if he'll take naked shots of us,: Says Jesse. :Maybe
he'd let you take some of him. Oh. Wouldn't that be against the law?:
:Not necessarily. It's not illegal to have images of boys in the nude so
long as they're not in sex poses, bearing erections and such. Parents take
pictures of their kids in the bathtub, streaking around the house and I've
seen 'nudist' magazines where whole families walk around naked.:
:I wouldn't want strangers looking at pictures of me in the buff! They're
only for you to have, love. Hide them in your laptop. You can do that?:
:Yes. My porn images are encrypted so that even if the police were looking
at my hard drive, they wouldn't recognize which files I kept those images in
let alone decode them for viewing.:
:They need a password?: Jesse Asks.
:Yes. But more than that, they have to run a program I've written that is
itself hidden on my hard drive.:
:Can we look at them now?:
I look up at the kitchen clock. Winna won't be home for hours so I get up
from my stool with much anticipation. There's a tight bulge in the front of
my jeans. In Jesse's, too. We hurry to our bedroom and shut the door.
"It sure takes a long time," comments Jesse.
I'm nearly finished with decoding the images hidden within some Windows
system files. Jes is laying on his belly next to me keeping his eyes averted
from my screen though he'd only need to peek inside my head to learn the
procedure. I know that he's a quick study in computers.
"Okay. The show is about to begin!" I announce. Vueprint is started and I
click on the topmost image file from a list of thousands. A naked man appears
on my screen.
"Wow. His is big!"
I'm feeling a pleasant tingle from my asshole when I imagine this Indian
sticking in me. He reminds me of Running Water, his big cock that is. I'm
pressing the spacebar. Another shot of this guy comes on the screen. His body
is smooth and brown, slightly muscular with his hands raised to grasp the
shower curtain rod above him. Long black hair spills down to his chest. His
cock stands along his belly. It's really long and thick. Jes and I exchange
sly glances. He's picking up on my excitement and I Sense his. We don't dare
touch each other or we'll explode.
Image after image appears on my screen. Most of these guys are in their
thirties and have very nice bodies yet what strikes me odd are their faces.
So stoic. I point this out to my lover.
:They're just being proud. Who took these photos of them anyway?:
:Well, I'm sure it wasn't their lovers. These men take their clothes off
for money. Websites post images where you pay for them with your credit card.
I didn't but someone did and posted them on free Yahoo! Group sites that I'm
a member to.:
I'm pressing the spacebar more quickly now. Guy after naked guy are seen
in poses showing off their hard cocks, sometimes handling themselves and I
linger on those showing off their brown butts. Jes Asks me to go back to the
image that's just flashed by. It's a dark skinned man laying over a bed. I
don't think he's really Native but he looks it. White streaks cover his belly
and his face does reveal something. He has his mouth open in an exaggerated
moan of ecstasy. :That must have felt good for him.:
:He's showing off in front of the camera, isn't he?:
:I think so.: I'm pressing the Enter button so Vueprint will display
random images instead of going through the thousands of images sequentially.
Jesse gasps when he sees two men fucking in a shower. The white guy is
standing behind his younger Indian companion and you can just make out his
cock sticking into a nice brown ass.
:I can't believe they let someone take that photograph of them!:
:Look at their faces, Jes.: He picks up on what I mean. There's no loving
expressions on them. Not even lust or a sense of joy from what their bodies
are doing together. :His cock might not even be inside the Indian's asshole,
only stuck through his cheeks to make it seem like they're fucking.:
:Do you have any that show guys really doing it?: Asks Jesse.
I bring up the list of images and click on a particular one. We see two
Mexican guys on a towel at the beach. It's a side view. The older man is on
top, stabbing into his companion's asshole with a condom worn on his cock.
Jes notices that.
:Guys can't make a baby so why?:
:They're protecting themselves from, ah... you know.: I click on another
image from the list. Two Indians are fucking in bed on their knees. It's a
series of images that show the guy's cock going in and out of his companion's
butt. No condom is worn. The last image shows his cock spurting outside.
:He didn't do it in him because he wasn't wearing a condom?: Asks Jesse.
:Probably. But I've seen porn videos where the guy always pulls out at the
end to cum over the other guy's ass whether he's wearing a condom or not.
That's so whoever is watching the video will know that he's gotten off and,
well, cum himself.:
:Do you beat off while looking at them?:
My face begins to burn. :Sometimes. I look at porn to get real excited and
I relieve myself afterwards.:
:So that's what this is for,: Jesse concludes. :A guy looks at other guys
doing it so he can get off.:
:Yes. He may not have a lover or someone to have sex with but himself.:
I'm thinking that it's older guys who mostly buy porn on the web.
:Maybe that's why you don't have any pictures showing a real couple making
love. They wouldn't do that for money.:
I'm nodding. :I have some images that look like they're making love.:
:Show me!:
I bring up images from the list to show Jesse what he wants. We look at
the couple's faces, how they kiss, the way their arms are around each other
as they belly rub or fuck in different positions. It looks real.
:If we can get someone to take pictures of us, could you put them on the
Internet so others can see what love looks like?:
I'm surprised at Jesse. :You told me that you didn't want strangers to
see you naked let alone us doing it together!:
:Maybe you're right.:
:Jes. Those men would only look at images of us so they can get off, not
feel inspired to find a lover and experience that for themselves.:
:Someone younger might. If a teenager who knows he's gay sees pictures of
guys in love, he'll know that it's a good thing. Most of your images are just
about sex. I don't want someone like Simon to think there's something wrong
with the way he feels about men and keep that hidden inside him. Hurting!:
:We have shown Simon what love is versus just having sex. I think it's
better that we teach youths this thing personally than to post images of us
on the Internet.:
:Okay. You're right.: Jesse lowers his head back down to his crossed arm.
:I'm glad that you feel that way, love. Helping Simon, I mean. Now he knows
how to have sex and that it brings pleasure to his body so he'll be ready to
express what's in his heart for a guy he falls in love with.:
I wasn't so sure before. That's why I rejected the boy's advances because
it would only have been sex. At least on my part. I was worried that Simon
would think it was love and feel betrayed afterwards. Now he knows what being
in love really is by seeing it between Jesse and me especially when we were
kissing. I look forward to being with him some more. He'll learn the moves
and be ready to give his heart to the right guy. We'll be very happy for him
when that happens. I'm thinking that Simon should wait until he's of legal
age though. I don't want him getting a man into trouble.
:Can you show me the pictures you have of boys now?:
:Alright.: Yet I'm filled with reluctance for Jesse to see them. What
will he think of me? With a sigh, I switch to a folder where I've decoded
those images. Jes peers at my laptop. A parade of dark skinned youths appear
on my screen when I'm quickly pressing the spacebar. Many are so young. I'm
not Sensing the expected revulsion from Jes so I start to relax, allowing the
images to stay longer on the screen so he can study them.
:I like seeing their cute smiling faces,: I explain. :Giggling from what
they're doing in front of the camera.: It's amazing that they're performing
lots of adult acts. Who had taught them that? Their bodies may be immature
(I doubt any of them can cum) yet their erections can still feel good in each
other's hand, mouth or sticking into a butt. There's an image that shows a
twelve year old kid fucking an eight year old. My face burns after showing
Jesse that one.
:Don't be embarrassed, love. They're just learning how it's done.:
:But at such a young age?:
:All those boys look like they're enjoying it,: Answers Jesse. :Why is it
illegal to have pictures of them?:
:President Nixon passed a law to make it so. There was a session in
Congress where testimony was given from men who regretted being cast in porn
films and pictures when they were boys because they didn't know any better at
the time. And it was done for money. Not like what we're teaching Simon about
his feelings and enjoying his body.:
:I wish that someone had shown me things when I was a boy.:
:Charlie did, remember?: Of course he does and I can see Jesse's face
turning red. :Even after he showed you how to pull on your dick, you didn't.
Maybe you were too young or something.:
:Not really. I rubbed against my sheets for thrills.:
:Why didn't you use your hand?:
:It didn't seem right to. You don't use your hand either.:
Now it's my turn to get red in the face. :Yeah. But that's because I
didn't have an older brother or friend to show me how to do it right.:
:You can still release between your thighs. How can that be the 'wrong'
way of doing it? I have my own way of feeling thrilled.:
:Yeah. I suppose boys figure it out on their own. It's a natural function
of their growing bodies like pissing.:
:We can show them how to do it if they don't know.:
I Sense my lover's excitement. Not so much from watching a boy beating off
but teaching him what to do with his thing and what his butt can be used for.
:Jes? When do you think a boy is too young to learn about sex?:
:That depends on when they're ready to. Now days, it's considered wrong
for kids to learn about having sex let alone enjoying it. Your former self
had seen boys in the tribe playing with each other.:
I delve into Christopher's memories when he lived amongst the Blackfoot.
:The older boys taught the younger ones how to pull on their erections to
make them feel good. They belly rubbed. When a boy spermed, he let his
younger friends spread it over their balls as if that would speed their own
maturity and I've seen them perform more adult acts. There was a squawman
who welcomed youths into his tipi to use his butt like the needing men of his
tribe. Chris felt it was an unloving act. He joined his body with Owopspec
out of love and wouldn't stick into anyone but him.:
:Your former self learned the difference between sex and making love.:
:Yeah, for the most part. Chris had Owopspec and Wind-go-through-his-hair
to satisfy his sexual needs and it felt right in his heart. They were a
loving trio kind of like what we have with Running Water.: Jesse nods,
peering back at the image on my screen. It's a little boy who's standing in
the bathtub getting his stiff pole handled by a man's hand. The rest of him
is out of camera shot.
:How old do you think he is?: Asks Jesse.
:Not old enough!: I study the boy's face, his cute smile and looking lower
on him at his small clutch of balls, the man's big hand is grasping his thin
erection. :I'd guess that he's no older than eight or nine.: He's a dark
skinned Indian youth. Without seeing the length of his hair (it could have
been cut short), I can't be sure. Maybe he's even younger. This kid is so
short and slim. Innocent.
:I think this boy is only seven. Is that his father with him?:
I'm repulsed by that idea. :Who's taking the photograph? His mother?:
:Silly! I couldn't believe that.: Jesse studies the picture some more.
:We only see that man's left hand on the boy so maybe he's holding the camera
in his right.:
I think Jesse's right. :He's someone the boy knows, an uncle or maybe one
of his teachers from school. I don't know.:
:Maybe that man really loves this boy.:
I'm guarding my next thoughts from Jes. More likely, it's a guy who's
using this innocent little kid for his own sexual gratification. This youth
might even think he loves him for making his pee-pee feel good. I sure hope
that man hasn't been fucking him!
"What are you thinking, love?" asks Jesse.
"Ah. I don't like the big difference in their ages. This is only a little
boy who doesn't know any better. When most people look at this image, even if
they're gay, they feel that this man is acting wrong by what he's doing and
that he should go to jail.: I close down the Vueprint program.
"He may very well be evil. Did he sell this photograph to others? Was he
only using this boy for sex? We don't really know what's going on between
them from this one peek into their lives. Who are we to judge?"
"We know the difference between right and wrong as adults. A boy doesn't
know that yet and he could feel really hurt when he grows up and looks back
at what that man had done to him."
"You're right. We're not that far into our own lives to have the wisdom
that comes with old age."
"What would your grandfather think of me if he knew that I have naked
images of boys? I'd be ashamed!" My finger runs along the glide pad to erase
this folder of decoded images. I also purge the original file where they're
hidden on my hard drive.
"I don't think you're being evil by having them, love. You like seeing the
smiles on their faces and looking real with their emotions that you didn't
find with those Indian guys."
I erase the decoded images of men as well but keep the hidden file. I'm
not ashamed to have those. After emptying the trash can, I run a utility to
zero out the hard drive's free space so there'll be no trace of the images
we've been looking at. The next time I make a backup of my computer, I'll
destroy the older set of CD's that contain that coded file of boy images.
Jesse rests his head over his crossed arms. Eyes are closed. I know that
he's not fallen asleep while I've been finishing things up on my laptop. The
screen is dropped down with a click. I'm setting it on the floor at the foot
of our bed and push it underneath so no one will accidentally step on it.
:Come lay beside me, love.: Jesse pats a place on the bed to his left.
I drop to my belly beside my lover. We're still afraid to hold each other
because of what happened this morning in the kitchen. That reminds me. :Jes?
Your grandfather suggested that we Speak with the bundle's spirit within us.:
:Let's do so now.:
I peer over at Jes. He still has his eyes closed. When I Peer into his
head, I'm not Sensing much. Only a deepening calm that reminds me of what
Shaman Comes-the-rain had taught me about centering myself before a ritual.
I'm closing my eyes. A comfortable position is found for my head resting over
my crossed arms. All thoughts are chased away. I breathe in deeply. A gentle,
easy rhythm matching the beating of my heart. It's like going to sleep but
not actually falling to that restful place. I remain awake. Breathing gently.
Centering.
Jesse covers my right hand with his. I open myself to what he intends.
Our Connection deepens. It's a delicate balance between us, no one leading
the other to where we're trying to go when I realize it's not a destination
he's seeking but a state of mind. A return to being One in two bodies! But
isn't this what grandfather warned us against after his Passing Rite? My fear
is cast aside. I remember that utter joy of being with my mate in thought,
heart and spirit. A deep sense of peace comes from it. We Join.
Another tries to Join with us. He must not. The shining spear guarding
over Owopspec flares like the sun but the effort drains our self. Sight fades
from one of us. Our other self Flies above the battle to find...
Two glowing balls touching. Our spirits! The bundle's spirit is how we're
Connected and never have we Seen him as clearly. A soap bubble encompassing
our glowing. Pure. Unknowing of the struggles flesh held spirits endure when
walking upon our Mother for a time for he is utterly innocent. A child.
Our plea is Sent to that guardian spirit within us. Not in words or images
but in being. He doesn't understand. How can a spirit whose only body was
that of tanned elk skin, quartz eyes, sticks for arms and legs, feather hair
and the severed loins from an old man? No sexual joy has this spirit felt.
Ours is too intense and the reason for making our plea to not have it so.
Owopspec ends his raging against the shining spear guarding over him. He
whispers advice that our other self Passes onto us. The tracing is made along
the curve to our touching glows. It ripples our guardian spirit's bubble.
Done.
We open our eyes. It's too dark to see each other so for a moment, I think
that we're asleep. There's a smell of roasted chicken in the air. I'm feeling
very hungry!
:Mom has brought dinner home.:
I lazily stretch beside my lover. A thought strikes me. :Jes? Did we Speak
with that spirit inside us?: I catch an image in his head that's of Flying.
I'm remembering only that I held a spear over his former self. Nothing more.
:Yes, love.:
Jesse nudges me to turn onto my back. He lays on top of me and for a
frightful moment, I'm afraid to hold my lover back.
:But we can!:
I Feel his need to be with me. My arms lock over his shoulder blades and
I'm given kisses. Sweet gentle ones at first. They become passionate with
tonguing and I feel my cock swelling in my jeans. His hardness is felt
against me. My left hand lowers along his shirt to pull over his butt. It
sticks out nicely from his pants. I'm slipping inside to touch his warm naked
skin. Ahhh! The feel of it is very pleasurable. Jes wails through his nose.
The thrills from our bodies are building towards that sweet explosion in our
heads. :We're gonna wet our underwear!: I Warn.
Jes becomes still over me. I'm panting for breath when it hits me. We were
able to stop ourselves. I can't See that place in my lover's head like before
where we lost ourselves in ecstasy.
:We can find pleasure with our bodies as it was meant to be,: assures
Jesse. :Make love to me!:
I lift my head to find my lover's lips and kiss him. He grinds himself
onto me. Our cocks tingle from that harsh meeting through our jeans. My hand
enjoys the softness of his cheeks flexing in and out. I set a faster pace to
our love making by pulling over his butt. His hands tighten their grip of my
shoulders. :Let's get out of our clothes!:
Jesse lifts his shirt to his chest. I'm reaching down to pull my shirt
off when he jerks his head towards the bedroom door. I look that way and see
Winna standing just within the open door.
"I'll be in the kitchen. Come if you're hungry."
Alarm fills me by what she's seen!
"Okay, mom." Jessie Sends, :I don't think she could have made out much.
It's too dark in our room.:
:She still has ears, my love.: I'm turning onto my right side and bring
Jesse alongside of me. His nose bumps into mine. A kiss. All thoughts of
eating chicken flies from my head when I return to our interrupted passion.
Jesse remains still against me though.
:Let's do it later, love. Mom is waiting for us to eat with her.:
:Why is she home early?: I Ask with much regret.
Jesse looks towards the window. :It's later than you think. The sun has
fallen from his sky with the coming of night. I think it's way after six.:
He must be right. It's dark in our room. There is the faint glow from his
nightlight along the wall. Winna could only have seen our feet. That makes me
feel a little better about what's happened. Why didn't she knock? Jes doesn't
Answer me as he often does when I'm thinking to myself. I direct my thoughts
at him. :Jes. Why did she open our door without knocking first?:
:Maybe she did but we didn't hear her. I think the door had been opened
earlier while we were sleeping. The smell of chicken is strong in our room.:
:A way to get us to wake up, eh?: Jesse sits up. I hear him straightening
his shirt so I pull mine down and tuck it back into my jeans. We turn to each
other in the dark. His long arms fly around me in a hug. I'm Feeling his joy
that we no longer have to be afraid of holding each other. :I look forward to
being with you tonight, my love!:
When we enter the kitchen, I see a spread of food over the kitchen table.
A bucket of chicken, biscuits, mashed potatoes with gravy and corn on the
cob. My mouth begins to water.
"You two go clean up first. Alright?"
"Yes, mom."
Winna gives me a shy glance before she pulls out two wooden stools from
under the table. She's standing in front of her stool that's closest to the
sink. I look up at the kitchen clock with surprise. It's nearly eight? Jes
grabs my wrist and leads me down the hall to the bathroom. We clean our hands
and splash water over our faces. A brush is taken to my lover's long hair but
he gives up trying to straighten it down his back.
:I'm going to have mom braid it for me. Do you mind, love?:
:No... Maybe you don't need to braid all of it. I've seen men bind their
hair at the neck while leaving its length flowing freely down their back.:
:Okay, Short Hair.: Jesse giggles.
I catch the reason for his humor. Yeah. My hair isn't of length to require
braiding. I'm gonna let the back of it grow long. Would Jes like that? He may
have to give me a new Indian name though.
A thought strikes me. :Jes? Do you recall what happened when we Joined?:
I'm wondering how those hours passed. Maybe we fell asleep afterwards but I
don't remember much other than Flying within ourselves.
:Yes, love. Don't worry about it. I'm not sure what happened myself but
with your help, I was able to reshape our Connection. We don't have to fear
losing ourselves again to a false ecstasy. I'm going to make sweet love to
you tonight!:
I'm smiling, yet part of me Senses that Jes is hiding something from me.
Maybe I'm just imagining that. We make our way back to the kitchen. When
Winna sees us, she sits over her stool while we take ours. She had brought in
a third stool for me. Wow. I'm really family now. It's a warm feeling to know
that Winna considers me to be her, well... like a son-in-law or something.
There's a moment of silence while we pray. Then hunger gets the better of
me when I grab two drumsticks and a breast, a biscuit and plop mashed
potatoes onto my plate. The corn on the cob also looks good! I'm pouring
gravy over most everything. The food is cold but that's our fault. Winna must
have been waiting for us to get up for over an hour.
After eating steadily for a while and drinking down two glasses of milk
(Jes went to the refrigerator when he saw that I needed a refill), I lower my
arms to the table and look across at Winna. "Thank you. It was a great meal!"
"I knew you liked eating this chicken, Mike."
I remember when Winna had picked me up from my trailer on that snowy
evening. She was late getting off from work and I was glad she bought dinner
out instead of going to the trouble of fixing a meal being tired an' all.
It was that night when Jesse was 'sick' in bed. She hoped that I could make
Jesse better if I were to come over and see him under the guise of inviting
me for dinner. That was an anxious moment for me. Jes was staring off into
the dark while his mother kneeled beside him telling him that I had come
over. He didn't respond. After she left the bedroom, I pressed my head
against his in what I'd thought at the time was a silly thing to try. I
Thought to him. All my love for him came through and it Reached him. He
later joined us at the dinner table to eat chicken. I become a believer in
Indian magic after that. Some of it was in me.
"Maybe I should have bought more food," says Winna.
That has me looking down at my plate. It's filled with the bony remains
of three drumsticks, a breast and thigh, and I'd taken two heapings of mash
potatoes with lots of gravy. I can't remember how many biscuits I've eaten.
They tasted real good with all the honey and butter I'd smothered over them.
"I'm full. How about you?" Jesse has eaten more than I've ever seen him to.
That doesn't make me feel too guilty. Winna seems to have eaten her fill.
The woman's eyes are studying me. I see her concern about something but
she is reluctant to voice it. "What is it, Winna?"
"Well, Mike. I have been worrying about you. Until tonight, I didn't think
you were eating enough."
"I'm always trying to get Jes to finish what's on his plate!" The smile
fades from my face when Winna's expression remains serious.
"You've lost weight," Winna whispers.
I'm looking down at myself for a moment. Yeah. That's so. I've had to buy
some new jeans at Wal-Mart to fit my shrinking waistline. That's probably
from all my worrying. Man! She knows what I've been going through with the
legal trouble I'm in.
"I'm glad that you're eating," comments Winna. She looks over at her son.
"Did you have a good rest?"
Jesse peers at me with a sly look. I'm avoiding his mother's eyes, hoping
that she isn't gonna be apologizing to us for what happened earlier.
"I didn't mean to look in on you."
How much did Winna see, I wonder? It was dark in our bedroom like Jesse
said but maybe she heard something when we were belling rubbing. At least we
had our clothes on!
After the silence Winna says, "I had knocked on your door a few times.
When there was no answer, I checked to see if you were even in your bedroom.
The food was getting cold."
"We must have been sleeping very deeply," Jesse explains. "We didn't hear
you. Sorry, mom."
"I smelled the chicken. That's what woke me up." A smile crosses my lips
when Winna releases her breath in obvious relief. We're not angry with her.
"Did you have a good day at work?" asks Jesse.
Winna softly nods. "Mike. Your attorney came to see me and I signed all of
the papers."
"Thanks. We've signed ours and the Elders went with him to present them to
the D.A."
"I hope that will stop everything."
"Me too." Yet I'm not so confident. We're only tipping our hand to the
D.A. as to our defense strategy. That charge against me for assaulting a
police officer is serious. I'll think he'll prosecute it even though the
other charges may get dropped.
After an uneasy silence, Winna gets up from her chair to clear the table.
Jesse is quick to help her. I remain sitting.
"There are things going on that I don't about, isn't there?"
"Mom..."
Winna is whispering in Siksika to her son at the sink. I'm barely catching
what she's saying to him.
"Jes-ee-ah. I'm still your mother and I worry about you. For both of you!
It's not about the trouble Mike's in though I'm sure that doesn't help. Tell
me what's going on. Please. It has something to do with what happened after
your grandfather's ritual that ah, bound him to you in ways that I may not
understand. I want to."
Jesse turns to me for my help. I'm slowly shaking my head because it's
not my place to answer his mother.
"Mom. You know that we've been Connected after grandfather Passed that
bundle's spirit into us."
Winna is nodding gravely. "The both of you were thinking as one. I thought
I'd lost you to... him."
"Mike was caught up in it too! It wasn't his fault. Grandfather has helped
separate us but we're still learning how to cope with having our thoughts and
what we're feeling Passing to each other all the time."
Winna goes deep into thought. I'm tempted to Think to Jesse but I don't
know how to assure his mom that things are getting better between us.
"You have changed, Jes-ee-ah. More lively than I've ever seen you before
and you're talking to people. Not hiding inside yourself as before yet I'm
worried. How much is that really you coming through and not... someone else?"
I've caught Winna's glance at me. She thinks I'm doing that. Well. I am in
a way. Jesse is drawing on my strength and love to be who he should have been
if he weren't autistic.
"You're going to Great Falls tomorrow." Winna's eyes flare at her son.
Hmm. Grandfather must have told her something about why we're meeting with
that Omaha Shaman. Jes peers at me with a frightened look on his face. I'm
feeling badly for him and decide to take it upon myself to try explaining
things to his mom.
"Yes. That is so. You know that my former self, his name is Christopher.
He was me in a past life and I Merged with who he was, all his memories. It
took me a while to deal with that." I'm wetting my lips and see that Winna is
going to hang on every word I'm about to say. "Jesse's former self was a
shaman of the Blackfoot. He has much wisdom to offer but he rages to come up
and we fear that he'll overwhelm your son. We've been fighting to prevent
that from happening. Tomorrow, grandfather is taking us to see a great shaman
of the Omaha who is... experienced with such things."
Winna's eyes grow wide. She's about to say something but turns to look at
her son with a look of horror.
"He can help me, mom. Grandfather has guided us though what's happened
after the ritual. Mike and him have prevented my former self from coming up
in me but we need to see that shaman. Soon."
I'm quickly adding, "I won't let anything bad happen to your son! He's
been drawing on my strength. There's nothing I won't deny Jesse." I'm struck
by my own words. Grandfather warned me that if he dies, I'll follow him.
"I know that you are helping Jes-ee-ah be who he should have... is meant
to be," says Winna. "I thought that too much of yourself was going to him.
Now, you're telling me that there is this Other who tries possessing my son."
Tears fill the woman's eyes. "Fight him! I don't want to lose Jes-ee..."
Jesse rushes to give his mother an assuring hug.
Winna is watching television in the front room. Some news documentary.
I'm sitting with Jes on the couch since he thinks his mom would feel better
if we're near. She's cried herself out. That was hard for me to see because
I've ever seen her as a very strong women. Quick to scold either of us. Yet
the compassion that I've seen in her and the love she's shown, even for me.
Well. That's just being a mother, I suppose. To us both. All we seem to do is
upset her.
I'm glancing at Jes to see if he's picked up on my thoughts. Nothing. I
queeze his hand and he turns to me. :I'm sorry about your mom.:
:She's strong. Mom's had to be while I was growing up.:
Jesse means because he's autistic.
:It was hard after my father left. Mom said it wasn't our fault but I
think she's secretly blamed herself.:
:It's not your fault either!: Jes nods, but he can't hide from me that he
blames himself too for his father running away. :Things are going to be that
much harder on your mother with me in the picture. Being gay and all.:
:Don't think that way, love. It's because of you that I've found myself and
anything that happens will be worth this time we've had together.:
I'm lowering my eyes from his. How will Jesse manage without me if I go
to prison? We'll still be Connected in thought yet that's not the same as
being with him, living our lives together as Chris should have spent with
Owopspec. Will our second chance at life repeat their tragic one?
Jesse turns his head towards the window. I caught it too, a Sense of
someone familiar. There's a knock on the front door. I'm rushing up from the
couch to answer it.
I release a joyous cry when Running Water greets me. He accepts my hug but
I'm Sensing concern in him.
"Mike..."
"I'm happy to see you!" My arms tighten around him.
"Is everything alright?"
We separate, and I'm wondering why he's asked that. "Yeah. We're watching
television with Winna. Do you want to come in?" I'm given that Look from him
and know he'd rather not. He still has to answer to Winna for not telling her
that he knew I was being with Jesse. And then there's that dark secret about
his lover. She doesn't know that Ron had been having sex with her son.
"I thought One-white-horse was supposed to be guarding the house."
"He was. I'd seen him relieve Jeremy Two Ponies earlier." Hmm. Maybe he
had to leave or Running Water has come late.
"Mike. I think something is wrong. This house is never supposed to be
unguarded. Not while that evil man is out on the loose."
Jesse comes to my side. I'm Sensing something odd from him.
"One-white-horse is looking after grandfather."
Running Water nods with relief but he didn't catch the meaning behind my
lover's words. I'm turning to him. :How do you know this? I've been with you
every moment today and One-white-horse didn't come into the house:
:I Asked him to, love. Do you remember when you felt that Eli Kie wouldn't
dare strike at us here? I felt really scared but not for us. If the Trickster
can't get at us, he'll go after someone who isn't being guarded.:
"Grandfather!" I see Jesse nodding with a sick look in his eyes.
"What is it?" barks Running Water.
"Jesse asked One-white-horse to guard over grandfather. We... Felt that
the Trickster might go after him since he can't strike at us."
"Have you Seen this, Jesse?"
"No. It was only a feeling."
:Why didn't you tell me?: I demand of Jesse.
:You Felt the danger as I did, love. My thoughts turned to One-white-horse
and he Heard me. He took off in his truck while you went to answer that call
from Dianne.:
I'm staring at Running Water. "Please call grandfather. See if everything
is alright with him." He pulls out his cell phone and dials the number. After
a few rings, we hear his voice answering. They exchange greetings.
"Ah. Is One-white-horse there? No. I don't need to talk with him." Running
Water takes a deep breath. "Jes-ee-ah asked him to guard over you tonight."
After grandfather says something, Running Water hands the phone to Jes.
Through our Connection, I'm able to pick up on what they're both saying.
"I just had a feeling, grandfather."
"Don't worry about me. I have strong medicine against those who would try
to do me harm."
"Yes, grandfather."
"I'll be over tomorrow morning at eight. After we drop Running Water off
at work, Short Hair will drive us down to Great Falls."
"Yes, grandfather. We'll see you then." A pause. "Goodbye." Jesse hands
the phone back to Running Water. :Now we don't have to ask mom to borrow her
truck,: Sends Jesse.
:Yeah. I'll be sure that it's filled up with gas before we leave Havre!:
Running Water looks past us with alarm and then he hurriedly steps out the
door. Jes is closing it behind him.
"Was that Running Water?" Winna asks.
Jesse is nodding. I'd seen that Look in her eye. She's gonna catch him
one of these days and I sure don't want to be around when they have words.
"He talked with grandfather on the phone," says Jesse. "He'll be coming
over tomorrow morning at eight."
The woman nods with understanding, turning for the front room. We follow
her. She picks up the remote control and shuts off the television.
"I'm not working tomorrow."
I've caught Winna's hint. :She wants to come with us!:
"Running Water is loaning us his truck so Mike won't have to ask if he can
borrow yours. There's not enough room for you to come along anyway. It's a
long drive to Great Falls. We may be spending the night there."
"Very well, Jes-ee-ah. At least you'll be under your grandfather's care."
Relief fills us. Winna recognizes that this is something we have to do
that can't involve her. The Indian women in Christopher's time knew that
their sons and husbands performed rituals in the men's lodge or out in the
plains where they couldn't attend. They accepted this. I'm glad that Winna
isn't making a fuss over this and proves that some things haven't changed in
this modern time.
"Oh. Is there something wrong with your father's truck?" asks Winna.
"Jeremy Two Ponies helped us jumped the battery this morning," I answer.
"I've taken it to his uncle's garage so they can do some work on it. It won't
be ready in time to drive tomorrow."
Winna faces her son. We're both concerned about him, how he feels that
I'll be using his father's truck.
"I'm glad that Mike will have some wheels," says Jesse. "There's now some
room in the garage. We can clear out the laundry room of construction stuff
that you've been wanting to get out of there."
"Okay, Jes-ee-ah."
My lover is putting on a brave face. Even though his mom doesn't have that
Connection to him as I do, she knows how he's feeling at this moment. I wrap
my right arm around Jesse's shoulders. When Winna heads for her bedroom, he
buries his face in my neck.
We're laying in bed and staring up at the ceiling. Jesse has fallen into
a gloomy mood. He won't get 'sick' as before when he's feeling bad but I
realize that he's not up to making love. I'm not either, really. My stomach
is too full.
"You can't sleep, love?" whispers Jesse.
"No. We've slept some earlier." I know what's keeping Jesse up.
"I want you to have my father's truck."
Was that anger in my lover's voice? I tighten my hand around his and try
clearing my thoughts. "We need to get some sleep. Tomorrow is gonna be a big
day for you."
"I know."
Jesse isn't feeling angry at me. He rarely does, even when I do or say
something stupid. What I'm Sensing from him is something I've not Felt from
him towards his dad. :It's alright to be angry at him.:
:It doesn't seem right,: Answers Jesse. :He must have had a good reason
for leaving us but I never knew why. Maybe mom knows but she won't tell me.:
:What he did to you was wrong. I don't care what he may have told her.:
:But it could explain why he did.:
I'm Feeling anguish in Jesse and much guilt. His thoughts are racing
around his head to come up with the reason why his father did what he did.
I'm glimpsing the birthday cards he received, reliving with him the few phone
calls where they talked but Jes hasn't a clue. He blames himself for not
being the son his father could be proud of.
:Don't think that way, Jes!: I'm getting angry now. :He wasn't strong like
your mother...: That's not the direction I was intending to lead Jesse.
:You don't know why he ran away. Maybe it was for another woman or maybe he'd
gotten into some trouble with the law, at his job or something that he didn't
want to involve you in.:
:He should have told us why!: Says Jesse. :I haven't heard from him for
over a year now.:
There's a rising fear in Jes that maybe his father is dead. He's on the
verge of tears. I bring him into my arms and try calming him. "Shhh..."
:Why hasn't he called?: Jesse draws in a noisy breath through his nose.
:I didn't even get a birthday card from him last year.:
He thinks something must have happened to his father. :He must be alright.
Your mom discovered that he'd taken money out of the house a few months ago.
We have the name of his attorney who arranged the paperwork. Winna got that
from her mortgage company. Remember? We can track him down that way.:
:Even so, I don't think he's going to return to us.:
:No. Your mom probably wouldn't want to take him back but at least you
can ask your father why. That'll give you some peace.: My thoughts turn to my
own father. Is he really alright? I can't believe mom didn't call to tell me
that he'd suffered a stroke. He's always been a strong man. I'm glad that he
told mom to leave me alone because I've become a man. Wow. Does he really
think of me that way?
"What are you thinking about, love?"
Huh? I wasn't guarding my thoughts from him. "About my dad."
"I see a lot of him in you," says Jesse.
"Really?"
"You both face your problems head on and work them out and he's very
perceptive like I've seen in you."
"He figured out that we can talk to each other without using our mouths."
"That's what I mean," says Jesse.
Silence falls between us. I've been trying to close my eyes but sleep
won't come. Jes knows a trick to help me with that. I'm yawning, peering at
him in the dark but he hasn't responded to my unspoken plea. :Jesse?:
:What is it, love?:
:I've noticed that you haven't been peeking in my head.: I was about to
thank him for that but it makes us less close to each other.
:I can't anymore.:
"What?" I'm turning onto my right side to face Jesse in surprise.
:I had to. The reason why what happened to us in the kitchen this morning
is because we're too closely Connected. I Saw that during our ritual. I'm not
sure how but I adjusted things between us.:
:Tell me what you Saw during our Flight.: I'm Feeling awe from Jesse.
:We're so beautiful in spirit! You and I are glowing balls with a small
part touching the other. Around us, like a soap bubble, the bundle's spirit
dwells. It's what give us Power, why we can Think to each other and do things
you call Indian magic. Our glowing isn't as brilliant as that spirit's. His
is pure! Innocent from the changes that take place to our true selves when in
flesh. We learn things in each of our lives when walking upon our Mother.
Some good and some bad. I'm sure that if I could See Eli Kie, his glowing
would be much darkened by the evil he's allowed to come upon his spirit. That
makes it heavy. When he dies, his spirit will Fall to the underworld and
never get the chance to be reborn. Sad, isn't it?:
:That evil man deserves to go to hell for what he's done!: I Mind shout.
:He's traded his spiritual immortality to the Darkness so that he can have
a greater power over others. A Trickster is something to fear. He can change
his shape during the dark moons, work spells and his body cannot be easily
slain. That gives him long life yet Eli Kie isn't free to do what he wants.
He's become a servant of Darkness and must do his master's evil bidding.:
:That doesn't seem to be worth losing one's soul over.:
:I think so too. The Darkness grants power to Eli Kie with one hand but
takes with all its other hands,: Says Jesse. :In this way, the Trickster is
tricked himself by Evil. He must serve the Dark Master and when his body
dies though that is a difficult thing to accomplish, his spirit is lost to
the Underworld. Forever in torment.:
I'm feeling sorry for Eli Kie but only a little. :Why would anyone be
willing to sacrifice so much? How does one become a Trickster?:
:Grandfather once told me that a Trickster comes in the night for little
boys to eat them. He was warning me to be good. For those youths who act
badly, because they've been hurt by others and filled with hate, they become
vulnerable to the Darkness. Evil offers them a way to gain revenge. A way to
be powerful when they may have felt small and alone.:
I'm thinking back to what Chris knew of Brave Eli Kie. He was born of the
Blackfoot but his mother had been white. No one in the tribe spoke of her
because it's not proper to name the dead. Chris only know that she'd died
giving birth to a son. Eli Kie was half blooded yet he was proud to be
Blackfoot and spoke ill of Krist-o-fer for being full white blooded.
When Chief Good-eyes found Chris murdered, Eli Kie repeated his ill words
about this white youth and claimed that his loyalties had remained with his
own people. He dared to say that Krist-o-fer hadn't been a true Blackfoot.
That nearly earned Eli Kie a blade in his belly from the anguished chief.
Owopspec should have killed him right then and there! but he didn't know that
it was Eli Kie who had murdered his lover.
That may explain why Eli Kie hated my former self enough to murder him but
why did he rape Chris before running a blade across his throat? Was he gay?
An earlier memory comes to me. Not about Eli Kie but something that happened
between his good friend, Runs-like-wind-through-the-grass and Chris. This
brave's voice had been one of the loudest in the chorus of angry voices that
demanded the white boy's death after the blue-coats had fallen on the People.
Runs-like-wind-through-the-grass' father had been one of the warriors slain.
Good-eyes stayed their wrath against Chris. He claimed that it was this white
youth's medicine which protected him in battle and that he could protect the
other braves from harm against the blue-coats.
Runs-like-wind-through-the-grass hated Christopher but he never raised his
hand against that youth, not while Good-eyes guarded him. He kept out of that
brave's way. Yet their paths did cross once. Chris was swimming alone in a
pond when Runs-like-wind-through-the-grass joined him. He feared that man,
what he might do to avenge his father's death at the hands of his white folk
yet their swim together turned pleasant. The brave splashed water at Chris in
fun and they played a diving game to find stones. When they sunned themselves
on the bank, both bore erections. It was an awkward moment. Chris was torn
between running away from this man or staying to see if there was a chance
for peace to come between them.
I Open myself to Jesse to that he can Share in this long ago memory of
Christopher's. In a way, it's new to me since I've not really Looked at his
life amongst the Blackfoot. Flashes of images appear in our minds. I focus on
the 'screen' as if we were in a movie theatre and think about what happened
to Chris at the edge of the pond when he was standing with a naked man.
"You are feeling strong down there," says Runs-like-wind-through-the-grass
with a grin.
I've been peeking at this brave's hard cock after our swim. A thrill goes
through me but I'm mindful of who this man is standing before me. Ever he
has hated me!
"Your warrior possesses strong medicine." He stares at Christopher's dick.
"What you pass to Good-eyes tricks the blue-coats' bullets from harming him
or those sharing in his medicine. Is this not so?"
I'm slowly nodding. I've heard Owopspec's claim but never believed it. He
only said that to protect me from his People's wrath. Many of the men want
me dead in revenge for losing loved ones in the battle. It's my fault that
the fort soldiers tried to 'rescue' me from the Blackfoot. I should have
died on that terrible day!
"Why the long face, Krist-o-fer?" asks the brave. "Do you miss being with
your own People?"
"No." I'm looking down at my feet in shame. The thought to get them moving
comes strong in me. I fear talking about the blue-coats least the anger in
Runs-like-wind-through-the-grass be rekindled. I'm no match for his strength.
He's nearly twenty, rather old for a brave who's not proven himself in battle
and the People have whispered behind their hands about this. It's been a
source of shame for this man.
"That's not what Eli Kie says."
I've heard that young brave speaking ill of me. He's only half blooded
'cause his Ma had been White. He won't join my lover in battle and neither
has Runs-like-wind-through-the-grass. The other braves bare their butts to
receive Good-eyes' war medicine and many have achieved the status of warrior.
"That was my old life," I defend after the silence. "My parents are dead
so there's no ties left with my folks. I want to stay with your People."
"You mean with him."
It's not talked about in the tribe but everyone knows that I'm staying
with Owopspec in his tipi as his lover. Wind-go-through-his-hair shares it
with us. His parents are also dead so that boy is considered to be my lover's
adopted son though they can make love, free from taboo. My relationship with
Owopspec is not as clear in the tribe. I'm White. Many wonder why I haven't
tried to escape back to my own People.
"I have seen the power in you, Kris. The blue-coats fell on us yet you
remained standing, neither running back into their arms nor truly being one
of the People. Your medicine protects Good-eyes and through him, the braves
under his charge." Runs-like-wind-through-the-grass steps closer to the boy.
"Will you not prove your heart to me?"
"How?" The brave has a smile on his face but I sense tension in him. He
gently steps onto my feet. His hands reach down to grasp my waist and that
gets our hard dicks touching.
"I won't turn around to receive your medicine. That would shame who I am
as man."
I know what Runs-like-wind-through-the-grass means. There have been young
men who bared themselves in back to tempt me into giving it to them yet my
love is only for Owopspec! He'll gladly have sex with the braves and go into
battle against the soldiers with the belief that they cannot be killed. None
have, only taken bullets in their limbs which I attributed to mere luck. I'm
dreading the day when a brave led by Owopspec doesn't return from battle.
Then the People will know that his claims are false. Their long put off
revenge against me will come. I don't fear for myself, though. What will they
do to my lover for lying?
I'm gasping. Runs-like-wind-through-the-grass is rubbing himself against
me. His left hand has reached around to pull over my butt. It feels good yet
my heart cries out because I don't love this man! He's only using me for sex
under the guise of taking 'medicine' from me.
"Prove yourself!" the brave utters in a harsh voice. "I go to meet the
blue-coats tomorrow with your warrior lover. I'll not partake of his medicine
rite but draw from your power directly to see if what he says is true. If I
don't return from battle, beware! A friend will avenge me."
Thoughts are racing through my head. I need to flee! Yet to do so will
prove to this man that I know that my medicine is false. Not only do I risk
my own life but Runs-like-wind-through-the-grass will denounce Owopspec
before the People and he'll suffer a fate worse than death: humiliation. I
can't bear that happening to my lover! A thought strikes me.
"My medicine has to be put in your butt!" He said that would shame him and
hope comes to me that he'll heed my words.
"I'll see to it that your medicine enters me," the brave answers.
"The medicine song!" I gasp out in a last chance to stay his act upon me.
"Good-eyes must sing the battle words over you to grant protection from the
blue-coats' bullets!"
"Eli Kie has heard them. He's not without power himself and he will sing
over me after I've taken your medicine from you. Does he not share half your
People's blood? I think it will prove the stronger from what Good-eyes could
offer me. Tomorrow, I'll face the blue-coats and prove that I'm a man!"
I surrender to the unloving act in this man's arms. His feet over mine
aren't preventing me from running away. Fear holds me. Our bellies come
together with stabbing that's not unlike the angry blows from a dagger. His
hands are pulling over my butt. I close my eyes and pretend that it's
Owopspec who holds me in his arms. The thrills are building up in me. I'll
give myself to him and pray that he'll achieve the status of warrior on the
battlefield as he wants. Then my lover's wrath will fall upon him afterwards
when I tattle! I thrust forward with much hatred and lust singing in me. It
is done.
Jesse and I return to ourselves. The anger from my former self is slow to
cool though. He gave Runs-like-wind-through-the-grass what he wanted yet he
remained unproven in battle. A brave still. Chris never told Owopspec what
that man had forced from him.
:How soon thereafter was your former self murdered?: Asks Jesse.
I know what he's asking. When Runs-like-wind-through-the-grass failed to
become a warrior, his friend Eli Kie had taken revenge upon Chris. I'm
delving back into his memories again. :I think it was the following summer.
By then, my former self had forgotten his fear about what happened yet it
explains why that brave's friend killed him.:
:But not what Eli Kie did to your former self before he...:
I'm shivering from that dark memory. Worse than feeling Eli Kie's blade
across his throat, Chris endured being raped by that evil man. His mocking
voice explained that his initiation into Darkness would be completed.
:I think Eli Kie cared little for his friend. He was already in service of
the Darkness and his motive for murdering Chris was to prove himself worthy
of becoming a Trickster. Runs-like-wind-through-the-grass had kept silent
before Chief Good-eyes. He thought Eli Kie had done this deed for him.:
A big yawn escapes from my mouth. It's tiring work delving into my former
self's memories and we're left with more questions than answers.
"You're tired."
I turn to Jesse in the dark. "Yeah." Another yawn. My hand is squeezed
before he lets it go, turning onto his right side in bed. I'm pressing myself
against him to share warmth. My left arm clutches his chest. Our bodies relax
and sleep comes for us.
We're awakened the next morning by Winna's knock on our door. Jes and I
take a quick shower (resisting the urge for something more when we're naked)
and we join his mother at the kitchen table for breakfast. She's cooked up
some eggs and bacon. A pile of steaming muffins lie in a cloth covered
basket. I'm drinking the last of my milk before Winna breaks the silence.
"Your grandfather will be here soon."
I'm looking up at the kitchen clock. It reads 7:48am. Jesse starts
collecting the dishes but his mother stops him.
"No. I'll get that, dear."
We watch Winna clear the table and she sets everything in the sink. The
water isn't ran. Instead, the woman returns to sit with us. I can see the
concern on her face when she gazes at her son.
"Jes-ee-ah? Take care this day."
My lover gives her a shy glance. "He'll be in good hands. Grandfather will
be with us and I swear that I'll be with him all the time!"
"How well does your grandfather know this Omaha Shaman?" asks Winna.
Jesse mutters something under his breath. That draws the woman's eyes to
me so I answer her. "We don't. Yet Shaman Charms A Bird Heard my plea for
help. He must share your son's gift for Mind Speech. Grandfather is wise and
if says that this shaman can help Jes-ee-ah, we must but try." Winna still
seems troubled. She is afraid of strangers knowing what her son can do and
wonders why the shaman of their own People cannot help Jesse.
There's a knock on the front door. As I'm getting up, Jesse flies from
the kitchen to answer it. Winna glares at me to remain for a moment.
"Mike. You will make sure that my son returns to me."
"Yes, of course." The woman reaches over to grasp my arm.
"I've put my trust in you concerning Jes-ee-ah and you won't let me down."
"He's a part of me. I won't let anything bad happen to him for both our
sakes, Winna. Believe me! I'm not sure what this day will bring but if we
don't try to keep his former self from coming up in him, Jesse will be lost.
My former self has sworn not to be with his lover as it was if he should
possess my lover. It's not gonna happen!"
"You be careful, too. What I've said at the meeting... I still hold to.
You are as a son to me."
I'm rising from my chair to give Winna a hug. Tears of joy fill my eyes.
She really has come to accept that I'm gonna be with her son!
When our hug ends, Jesse is seen standing quietly by the stove holding
our coats. His mother opens her arms to him and they embrace. A long one.
I'm reaching down for our coats that have fallen to the floor.
They separate. Jesse peers at me with such an expression on his face. I
offer him my hand. He takes it. Winna goes to the sink and starts running the
water. I know that she won't see us off because that's considered bad luck
when the men go off to battle or on a long journey.
I lead Jesse down the hall and he closes the door after him, locking it.
We put on our jackets. It's a bit nippy this morning but I suspect this day
will turn warm. Spring has come. I'm breathing in its smells that awakens
many things in me. A yearning to get out for a walk amongst the trees that's
shared by Christopher and who I was as Mike. We're sharing this body. I go
forward to what will come this day as Short Hair.
Running Water's shiny red truck is parked in the driveway. Grandfather is
seen sitting with my brother. I look towards the curb. A brown jeep is parked
there. It's Hawk Flying Over's turn at guard duty. I hope that he'll remain
at the house instead of following us down to Great Falls.
Jesse opens the passenger side door. It's then that we realize there's
not enough room for all four of us to sit. A sly grin crosses my lover's
lips. He gestures for me to sit beside grandfather and I eagerly do so. Jes
comes into my lap. He pulls on the door to shut it.
"How are my grandsons this morning?" asks grandfather. "Are you rested?"
Jesse becomes shy and says nothing. I'm nodding in reply. I look past him
at Running Water. He's putting his truck in gear and looks behind him while
backing down the driveway. He turns in the street towards the heart of town
but continues to drive backwards until coming alongside Hawk Flying Over's
window. They exchange quick greetings.
"Will you pick me up after work at four?" asks Running Water.
"I'll be there." Hawk Flying Over looks further into the truck. He greets
the old man who acknowledges it with a head nod. "Rather crowded, huh?"
Hawk Flying Over chuckles at us. Jesse sticks his tongue out at him and I
tighten my arms around my lover. His uncle knows that we don't mind the
'crowding' as he put it.
"Well, you take care." Hawk Flying Over rolls up his window.
Running Water puts his truck in gear and speeds off. Jesse presses into
me and I relish his slim form in my arms. I'm giving his neck a kiss. We
drive through Havre without anyone uttering a word. Even Jes and I aren't
Talking to each other in our heads. We're enjoying this moment together.
When Running Water slows at a stop light, some people cross the street in
front of us. A little girl peers up at our window. She says something to her
mother who looks at Jesse and me for a moment then taking her daughter's
hand, they continue walking on. I'm Sensing embarrassment in my lover. Those
were white folks and I realize again the difficulties that we face for being
a gay couple. I've been living in Jesse's world. There will be times when
he must be with me in mine. We're not gonna flaunt who we are though.
After taking a few more turns, Running Water nears his place of work. He
stops his truck short of the parking lot. I know why he's done that. Jesse
opens his door and slips out. I'm joining him on the curb. Grandfather moves
over to where we were sitting and closes the door. Running Water gets out. He
walks around to stand before us without a readable expression on his face.
"I've filled the tank with gas."
"Thanks." I look at Running Water for a sign that he'd let me hug him.
"I wish you well, Jes-ee-ah. May your meeting with that Omaha Shaman bring
you peace and wellness."
Jesse nods. I'm surprised that Running Water is being so formal. Distant.
I offer the man my hand and when he takes it, I'm reaching around his back
with my left arm to draw him into a hug.
"Okay, Mike!"
"I love you." Our hug ends with Running Water glancing over his shoulder
to see if anyone from Roy's Motorcycles had seen it. He turns to me. There's
words on his lips in answer to what I've said but he glances at Jesse and
they remain unspoken. We watch him head off to work.
:It's alright, love. My uncle is going to need some time before he's
comfortable with expressing how he feels for you in front of me.:
I'm releasing a tense breath. :I know.: We walk around the front of the
pickup truck and Jesse gets in. I take my place at the wheel. After checking
on the gas (it reads full), I fasten my seatbelt and put the truck in gear.
The rest of our drive through Havre is in silence. Jesse often glances
at his grandfather but he's looking out his window. I make the turn onto
Highway 87. We start heading south towards Great Falls.
There's not much traffic so I settle into driving with only my left hand
on the wheel. Jesse and I clasp hands. I'm Sensing from him that he wants to
ask grandfather what's happened yesterday but he won't. I'll do the honors.
"Grandfather? How did things go with the D.A.?"
The old man turns from his window. "Humph! We went to the big man's office
and his secretary claimed that he wasn't there. Mr. Talbert had set the
appointment for us to meet. Instead, that man cowered behind his door. We had
to present our papers to a woman."
"Maybe the D.A. feared your wrath, grandfather."
"He'd better!" gruffs the old man. "The police lost my tribe's Power
Bundle entrusted to them, you were ill treated when in their custody and the
evil man who's behind all this trouble continues to walk free."
I take my eyes off the road to read his expression. Is he really angry?
:No, love. Grandfather isn't so much angered by the D.A. as he and the
other Elders felt humiliated. I can't think of a worse insult! A peace
council had been agreed upon and that white guy reneged. Now, I fear what
will follow.:
:Battle?: I remember grandfather telling me that!
:Not with arrows and tomahawks,: Says Jesse. :In this modern time, our
People have other weapons. We'll show our Red Power and that will send fear
into our enemies.:
Grandfather glares at me. I think he's been following our conversation and
a fire has come into his dark eyes. I'm forced to return my attention to the
road. I've been beeped by a Toyota. My truck is straightened out in the lane.
When I get a chance to glance at grandfather again, I find him resting his
head against the window. Jesse's thoughts have faded from my head.
I settle into driving. The sun is rising on my left in a cloudless sky.
Running Water had left the heat on but I'm turning it down even after
considering grandfather's comfort. It's getting too warm in this truck.
The miles pass in that relaxing state of semi-awareness. Great Falls is an
hour and a half away. I don't think we'll stop before then to eat and surely
not for gas. Not unless grandfather's bladder can't hold out.
The traffic increases when we approach Box Elder. I remember Running Water
taking me to a motel there. Such a sweet memory! That's the first time I...
Well. I'm still holding Jesse's hand so I better stop thinking about it.
He's said that we're not as closely Connected after his ritual yesterday. No
more peeking inside my head. In a way, I'm glad. Many of my thoughts are
unworthy. I'd rather only Pass what I'm feeling to my lover and in directed
thoughts. A guy has gotta have his privacy!
Big Sandy comes and goes. I recall that Running Water had made some
motorcycle deliveries there. He's without his truck today. Hawk Flying Over
said that he'll pick him up at four. Will they have a soak in their hot tub
or will Running Water return to his parents in Chinook?
I think about a lot of things during the drive. Jesse doesn't intrude and
I'm realizing how quiet things are. It's a bit strange. He's usually pouncing
on something going around in my head and that leads to us Talking a lot. In
our heads that is. I'm wetting my lips. :Jesse?:
:Yes, love?:
Relief fills me. :It's silly of me but I am feeling that change in our
Connection you've told me about.:
:I'm enjoying the quiet. Aren't you?:
:Well, yeah.: We glance at each other. Jesse smiles but I'm not Feeling
that inside my head. When I squeeze his hand, a warmth of love follows that
puts me at ease. A mileage sign for Great Falls catches my eye. We're still
more than an hour away going at the speed limit. Some cars are going faster.
They race by on the left while I've been keeping to the right lane. It's a
nice ride. We're in no rush to meet with Shaman Charms A Bird. Is he even
gonna be there at the 'forking of the Missouri and Sun Rivers' as promised?
After passing over Marias River at Loma, tourist signs appear announcing
the Lewis & Clark Monument in Fort Benton. I'm aware of the importance those
explorers had on history. That's how our leaders in Washington D.C. realized
how vast this country was. More wilderness than civilized States. Sadly, it
didn't take White People long to conquer their way West. Chris saw with his
own eyes how Native Peoples were displaced from their homeland. What a gentle
sounding word: 'displaced'. It's a white word describing the horrors they've
inflicted on the Indians with war, murder, broken treaties and herding the
few survivors onto reservations that are no better than wastelands! If Lewis
and Clark realized that their mapping of the West would lead to the downfall
of the Native Peoples who befriended them on their way, I think it would have
greatly saddened them. Maybe not. I'm recalling an account from their travels
where they felt that our 'white ways, religion and clever devices' would
bring modernism to these 'primitive peoples'. It rolled them over instead.
I'm looking over at grandfather. He's fast asleep against the window. Jes
has remained awake at my side but quiet. I think he's gathering strength for
his encounter with Charms A Bird.
Carter is the last town we pass before Great Falls. I'm glancing at my
watch and figure that we'll reach its city limits just after ten. Jesse is
getting anxious beside me. He's been fidgeting in his seat until I Asked him
if he needs to take a piss or something. I didn't think so. I'm growing
anxious too. Can this Omaha Shaman help prevent Owopspec from coming up in my
lover? He has to!
Fifteen minutes later, we're crossing a bridge over the Missouri River
that brings us into Great Falls. Highway 87 turns into a city street. 30 mph
is the expected limit when there's no sign posted. At least not one I can
find at the moment. I'm looking to my right. Grandfather is snoring by the
window. Jes lifts his eyes from the map draped over his legs to direct me.
:Where do I go now?:
Jesse's finger traces down his map. :In a few blocks, you'll turn right
at Tenth Avenue.:
I'm nodding back at him. We're to meet Charms A Bird at the forking of
the Missouri and Sun Rivers. In a motel, according to the message he left on
grandfather's answering machine. Will he really be there? I'm braking sharply
at the red light.
We exchange nervous glances. I grasp Jesse's hand and give it an assuring
squeeze. We've come all this way to meet this shaman. Our journey's end is
at hand. The light turns green. I'm turning right and follow Tenth Avenue for
a few blocks. It's crowded with cars. A sign indicates that the Great Falls
International Airport is up ahead. :How much farther?: I Ask. Jesse points
up ahead at the bridge we're coming up to. We're crossing over the Missouri
again. I'm Sent an image of the map in Jesse's lap. The Sun River branches
off from the Missouri to our right.
:There!: Says Jesse.
We've just crossed the bridge and I'm turning right onto a small road that
ends at a motel. A battered sign gives the name of it: 'Two Rivers'. I park
out front near the manager's office and shut the engine off. We're here. I'm
turning to grandfather to let him know.
:Let him rest,: Asks Jesse. :We have to find out which room Charms A Bird
is in first.:
:Okay.: My hand is squeezed. I give Jes a strained grin then open my door
and slip out. My lover joins me at my side. I'm closing the door most of the
way but stop short of making it bang. Grandfather hasn't stirred. We face the
motel and Share our impression of it. One storied; it's built from wood that
hasn't seen a coat of paint in years. The building is rather small. There
couldn't be more than a two handfuls of rooms in it. We're the only vehicle
occupying the parking lot out front. Are we at the right place? Maybe it's
been abandoned.
:We'll soon find out, love. Let's go inside.:
I lead Jesse to the office. To my relief, the door is wide open to
welcome guests. We go through. It's a small room we find ourselves in. From
behind a counter, an old man peeks around his newspaper at us and grins. A
toothy grin that reminds me of a wolf's interest in coming across new prey.
He's white, clean shaven with balding to his head that reminds me of an egg.
A wrinkly one, anyway. The man sets his newspaper down.
"You need a room?"
The old man scrutinizes me through his thick pair of glasses. He gives
Jesse a quick once over. "Ah. No thank you." I give him a shy look. He's
figured us for wanting a room to get together. We're likely not the first
couple, gay or straight that he's seen coming to his motel. Jesse nudges me.
"We're looking for a friend who's staying here. His name is Charms A Bird."
"An Indian? Ah, yes. He's in room sixteen. That's around back."
"Thank you." I'm turning for the door with Jes following close behind me.
I Sense his rising tension. The door to our truck slams closed. We wait for
grandfather to join us on the wooden walkway. He's yawning. Without a word
spoken between us, he follows us towards the back of the building. We pass
rooms that I assume are empty. No cars are parked in front of them. I'm
looking at their numbering. Four, six, eight and then ten...
:Look out!:
Jesse pulls on my waist to prevent me from stepping into a wide crack in
the walkway. I step over it and shake my head. Man! This motel is a real
dump. Charms A Bird has come all the way from California but I'd thought he
could of chosen a better place to meet with us. Someplace more appropriate,
like a sacred site in the reservation, grandfather's house or where we first
met at the Chinook Community Center in that small room. This shaman from the
Omaha People asked us to come here of all places. Why?
Jesse is growing very anxious. He's looking at all the door numbers that
are counting up in a predictable pattern. Even numbers on this side of the
building. It's longer than I had originally figured. After passing room
twelve, we turn a corner that gives us a view of the two rivers. I can smell
them. A wet muddy smell that reminds me of the rivers our tribe often struck
their camp at. It's important to have water available for the horses. That
was one of Christopher's memories. I need to concentrate on the Now.
The next door bears the number fourteen. Jesse pauses on the walkway. My
eyes didn't see that but I Sense his fear to meet a man he's never seen
before. A shaman not of his People. I'm turning to offer my lover my hand.
:It's gonna be alright. Charms A Bird can help you. Grandfather is with us
to ensure that nothing bad happens.: As if knowing my thoughts, the old man
grasps his grandson's shoulder in assurance. Jesse turns to him.
"Take these last few steps," asks grandfather. "Be brave."
I offer my lover an assuring smile while inside me, I'm feeling just as
afraid as he is. Will this Omaha Shaman be able to prevent Jesse's former
self from coming up in him? I've been Feeling their struggle. Doesn't
Owopspec realize what he risks? If they Merge, that part of me who is Chris
will be oath bound to deny his lover while I must make a terrible decision.
Would I leave the young man whom I love if his body is taken over by that old
man inside him? A sharp breath is sucked through my teeth. If it were to
happen, I might. God! Please don't let that happen!
Grandfather Speaks to Jesse mind-to-mind but I can't catch his words.
I'm able to Hear my lover's thoughts to him and of course to myself, but not
when grandfather Talks to his grandson. At least when he doesn't want me to.
The old man gestures for me to walk on. I step forward and stop before room
sixteen. The door is ajar that makes me wonder if we've come to the right
room. Jesse's hand tightens around mine. I glance at grandfather. His face
is grim but he gestures for me to go ahead and knock. I do so.
"Come on in. It's open."
Sounds like an Indian voice. I slowly push the door open and step in
first. Jesse comes in behind me followed by grandfather who shuts the door.
My eyes try adjusting to the darkness of this room. Its curtains are closed.
That's when I notice the television. A young man watching a cartoon is
sitting over the bed, laughing. He's shirtless. His bared feet lift from the
floor and thud together with glee.
"Ah, hello. Are you Charms A Bird?" The young man nods. He reaches out to
the television and switches it off. I notice the slim shape to his body. Like
a cat, he turns himself in a swift fluid motion to face us with his legs
crossing beneath him. I'm surprised by how young this man is. Our age. Maybe
even younger. How can he possess a wisdom greater than our grandfather to
help Jesse suppress his former self?
"I welcome you to this place," announces Charms A Bird. "Not much to look
at but it does have cable TV."
I step closer to the bed. Our eyes meet. I'm mesmerized by this Indian's
bright eyes. They seem to look right through me. Charms A Bird smiles. The
same silly grin I'd seen when he was watching that cartoon on TV. I remember
my manners. "I'm... Mike Yager. This is Jes-ee-ah." I point towards the door.
"His grandfather, Shaman He-who-runs-up-mountains of the Blackfoot Nation."
The Indian youth gives our shaman a respectful nod.
"You already know my name." A soft giggle. "What a nice looking couple!"
I'm gasping. :This man might be like us!: Jesse doesn't Answer me. I
turn to my lover and see that his eyes are down cast as if in disappointment.
That's not what I'm Sensing from him though. Concern? My eyes fall back on
Charms A Bird.
An awkward silence follows. We're looking at each other intently and to my
embarrassment, I'm feeling an attraction for this half naked Indian. He's
slim and brown. Long black hair dances along his shoulders. A very handsome
face, different in features from the Blackfoot men I've seen but very nice
to look at. His eyes though. There's something about them that troubles me
like they don't match the rest of his youthful body.
"Do you like me, Mike?"
I'm startled by that. My hand gropes for Jesse's hand and firmly clasps
it. Why am I feeling threatened? I lower my eyes from Charms A Bird.
"You're very nice looking, Jes-ee-ah. Have you been with other Indian men
or do you only prefer white men?"
Anger fills me. "We've not come to talk about such things!"
Charms A Bird shrugs his shoulders. "I'm only asking. It is my sacred duty
to offer myself to needing men. Both of you have. We're Mahyee-na."
I'm mouthing that strange sounding word. It's not known to me. The youth
has a silly grin on his face but his eyes! I'm thinking about what he's said
and it's true. I have given myself to Running Water and Simon. Jesse was
with Ron to satisfy that man's sexual needs.
"There is no shame in this. I'm glad that the both of you share a love.
I've not had my heart taken for a very long time." In a sad softer voice,
"Not for moons without count."
I'm uncomfortable that this man continues to talk about being gay. I turn
to grandfather to see why he hasn't spoken up. He ignores me. There's a plain
expression on his face that I can't read past.
"Jes-ee-ah? Can you say something so that I can hear your voice?"
My hand is let go of. Jesse takes a bold step forward with his hands
forming into tight fists.
"Why do you act this way? I've come for your help and you've agreed to
meet with us. My eyes see the young man you are but there's such age in your
eyes that reveal your Merged selves."
"How many do you think there are?" asks Charms A Bird.
That's why this man's eyes look strange! Jesse steps even closer to
Charms A Bird but he doesn't touch him. I'm feeling the need to be at my
lover's side but my feet won't bulge.
"A hand of fingered lives," whispers Jesse.
I hear a gasp coming from Charms A Bird. Then he's laughing. That sends me
rushing to Jesse's side as if he's needing my protection. Our hands clasp.
"That is so. A lucky guess or do you have the gift of Sight?"
"Perhaps both," Jesse answers. "I think what you have become differs from
what happened to Mike and a thing I'm trying to prevent myself."
"Why do you prevent it?" asks Charms A Bird.
"Because I'd be overwhelmed. My former self lived many years on our Mother
and something is driving him to possess me."
"Great need or anger?"
"Both. Shaman Good-eyes wants to avenge his lover's murder."
"That man's lover stands beside you reborn. What great need do you sense
from your former self?"
"I don't know. I'm afraid to find out because that would bring about our
Merging."
"Would you like to know, Jes-ee-ah?"
I see my lover nodding his head. My entire impression of Charms A Bird has
changed. He's not the silly young man I thought he was but a Merged person of
five lives. Five! And I'd thought it was hard to deal with only one life, a
youth seven years younger than me. Jesse would have to deal with a former
self who was an old man with many memories to Live through. They would
overwhelm him until he became shaman Good-eyes taking over his body.
"Give me your hand," asks Charms A Bird.
I'm firmly clasping Jesse's left hand. He slowly lifts his right hand to
Charms A Bird who meets it with a touch of their fingers only. Something
happens. I can't describe what my lover Feels but it was electric. Intense!
:Are you alright?: No Answer. I'm thinking of pulling Jesse back from this
strange Indian when they break contact.
"You are a part of our Father's Great Plan, Jes-ee-ah. I did not know that
my own task to complete requires that we meet." Charms A Bird releases a
weary sigh. "A long time have I been at it. This body is my last to wear at
journey's end but I've one more Merging to endure it seems."
I try following what this man is saying but it's from Jes-ee-ah that an
understanding comes to me. "You are going to take in his former self?"
"His great need," answers Charms A Bird. "Your lover will still retain the
wisdom of Shaman Good-eyes to draw upon. After our Sharing, he'll no longer
need to come up in Jes-ee-ah. That's my belief, anyway."
"I want that," says Jesse.
Charms A Bird gets up from his bed. He walks past us until standing in
front of grandfather.
"Shaman He-who-runs-up-mountains. My respectful greeting to you. I ask
that you leave Jes-ee-ah with me until the morrow. I'll take from him the
great need that drives his former self to possess him. That shaman's great
task will join with mine."
"So be it, Elder."
I'm startled to hear grandfather say that. Not that he'll allow Jesse to
stay with this stranger but that he's referred to him with such respect!
:Charms A Bird is an Elder,: Jesse Sends. :When we touched... I Saw who
he is. The many lives in him that are as One. A similar thing I See inside
you after your Merging. He can help me.:
:Are you sure?: I'm worried about leaving my lover alone with this man.
:Yes, love.:
Charms A Bird is watching us. I'm sensing the power in him that frightens
me. :I will not leave you alone with him! I've promised Winna...: My arm is
grasped but what really startles me is the strange Voice coming into my head.
'Stay, then. Guard over your lover.'
"I will!" Charms A Bird releases my arm and spreads his hands in the air
in a peace gesture. He steps back. I'm Feeling something strong from Jesse.
I see my lover's timid eyes, that my outburst startled him. I'm feeling bad
for what I did. My arms open and to my relief, Jesse hugs me. :I'm sorry!
This man scares me a lot. I don't know what he intends to do with you so I
need to stay and watch over you.:
:Love. You know what he intends to do with me but not how he'll do it.
That's what really frightens you. I am too, a little.:
"I will see to getting me a room for the night," says grandfather.
"Let me help you with that," asks Jesse.
I'm holding up my hand in a firm gesture for them to wait. I glare at
Charms A Bird. "Why hold the ritual here? This place!" I make the gesture for
unclean ground while my hand sweeps around this motel room. "We should go
back to Chinook or find a more appropriate site. A holy place that there are
in the reservation."
"No. The 'place' doesn't matter, Mike. This room is close to the airport
and it's cheap. I've already met you more than half way from the lands of my
People. I will not set foot on Blackfoot ground."
"Why is that?" Charms A Bird gives me a pained look. He simply shakes his
head back and forth. I glance at Jesse. He Asks me not to press the man
about this thing. A deep sigh comes out of me. I dig into my pocket and hand
my wallet over to my lover so he can pay for grandfather's room. This will
give me the chance to speak privately with Charms A Bird.
:I See what you're intending to do, love. Talk with him if that will ease
your heart. Please don't act silly. That was his guise when we met but he
possesses much wisdom and abilities.:
:What abilities?: I Ask from fear.
:You may find out if you act rashly. Be good, okay?:
:I promise. Speak with grandfather to get his impressions about this man.
See if he knows what you can expect to happen during the ritual I assume is
to take place between Charms A Bird and yourself.:
:That's why I offered to help grandfather with getting a room.:
Our thought exchange lasts only for a few heartbeats. Charms A Bird is
still standing at my side (not too close) and Jesse is walking towards his
grandfather. Time returns to normal. I watch them leave the room before
turning to this Indian. He's staring at me. I'm feeling my attraction for him
but cast that aside. I need to be assured that this is a good man, that he'll
only remove the 'great need' from my lover's former self and not bring about
their Merging. That's why we came here to get his help to prevent.
A deep breath is taken. I'm bursting to ask many questions of this man but
Christopher has taught me patience in such matters. I make the gesture for a
meeting circle with my hands around us. Charms A Bird sits down over the
carpet. I join him.
"We have no pipe to perform the expected formalities between strangers,"
says Charms A Bird.
I'm smiling, looking up at the ceiling. "That would only set off the smoke
alarm." The young man laughs.
"It is good to see your smile!"
I'm smiling a moment with him but return to the serious business at hand.
"I'm called Short Hair. I was Mike Yager and before him, Christopher Walker."
The man's eyes flare. He realizes the burden that I've placed upon him to
speak in like manner. His eyes take on a far away look.
"I am Shaman Charms A Bird. I was Runs-through-grass, before that called
Many Arrows In Hand and the boy, Running Wolf. And I was Willow Bird of the
Kalinlepi Tribe of Omaha."
I'm nodding my head. He really was that willow tree I'd Called out to in
my dream. "Jes-ee-ah said that what you have become differs from what's
happened to me."
"That is so. Your former self was reborn in you so you're of the same
spirit. My spirit Passed through willing youths so that I can live on in
them. That's the difference between us."
I'm wetting my lips. "How do you manage so many different lives in you?"
Charms A Bird smiles. "We are One."
"There was no difficulty with each of your... Passings?"
"When my body neared death, I chose a willing youth to Pass into with our
Father's blessing. That makes it easier to Share myself with a boy who has
fewer memories and experiences. This is the last body that I'll wear. I
Passed into Charms A Bird when he was sixteen. All the others were younger."
I'm troubled by what he's said and voice it. "That means you've possessed
four persons, most only boys just so that you can prolong your life. Why?" A
sad weary look comes into this man's eyes. Maybe I shouldn't have asked him.
"Our Father has chosen me to prevent the Darkness-that-comes from ending
all life."
We both make the warding off gesture to evil. "An end to all life. You
mean that you're gonna prevent something bad from happening like World War
Three or something?" A cold chill runs down my spine when he nods.
"As Willow Bird, our Father gifted me with certain abilities so that I may
prevent the Ending. That task Passed through to each youth along with who I
was as Willow Bird until now, I am the closed Hand. I'd been given a vision
to do this necessary thing. I'm not simply trying to prolong my life by
possessing others and if you knew how weary I have become..."
I lower my eyes in shame. A concern comes to me though. "How does your
task involve Jes-ee-ah? It seemed like you weren't expecting to have to
Merge with Good-eyes."
"That is so. Not until I Saw into your lover's former self. That shaman
possesses knowledge about something that I didn't know I didn't know." Charms
A Bird smiles. He sings, "You'll learn things you never knew you never knew."
That's a line from the Disney movie, 'Pocahontas'. I remember it well.
There's a hauntingly beautiful song called: 'Colors of the Wind' that often
brings me to tears.
"So you've seen that movie. Many wonderful songs for the kids to sing
along with while showing Native Americans in a good light."
I'm alarmed. "You can read my thoughts?"
"Only if we touch. Your face is very expressive, Short Hair. I recognized
that haunting joy in your eyes that fills mine whenever I hear that song."
My heart is put at ease. I'm feeling a little better about this man
sitting before me. Another line to a song from that movie comes to mind.
"And we are all connected to each other. In a circle, in a hoop that never
ends." A haunting feeling comes into me when I recall how our lives never
really end. Utter joy fills me.
"Short Hair. You have been to the Above!"
My eyes lift in remembrance. "Yes. That place where we really are, in
spirit. I am utterly Joined with Jes-ee-ah There." Charms A Bird offers his
hand to me. I'm no longer afraid for us to See each other.
A rapid procession of images fill my head. I See who this man is, who he
was as Willow Bird and all the boys he's Passed through. All their lives! The
repeating march from youth to teenaged years, manhood and nearing death. I
don't Live them. Just a glimpse but it's enough. In my ears, a grandmotherly
voice sings, "Listen with your heart, you will understand." And I do.
I'm also given a glimpse of this man's sacred task. Scientists will dig up
a sky fallen fingernail that they'll set a spark to ending all life in the
world. The Darkness-that-comes wants this. He's been subverting youths who
cannot accept their spirit of finding love with those of their sex. They
become His evil servants, the Trickster. The Mahyee-na society prevents this
through teaching love instead of hate and fear. I recognize this task. It is
Jesse's and mine Geased by the Power Bundle's spirit. Shaman Good-eyes had
Called this unborn spirit down where it's slept a long time until Passing
into us.
I Sense a kindred spirit within this man. My eyes fall over his silver
ring on the finger next to his thumb. It reminds me of the glowing butterfly
Jesse had Seen in a vision. This man!
'Yes. Your lover has the gift of Sight yet it was you who Called out to
me for help. I Heard your plea. That's because we have met before, Kris.'
The tiny hairs lift at the back of my neck. I've recognized this man's
Voice inside my head but couldn't remember from where. Or I should say, when.
He's called me by my former self's name. That we had met before.
'You wouldn't remember. I can undo my spell so you can.'
"You had cast a spell over me? I don't want you doing things like that!"
'Kris. I always asked you before taking. Remember?'
My eyes grow wide. He is that visitor to Shaman Comes-the-rain's lodge! I
remember something from that night.
'Yes. I See that you do. Allow me to open that part of yourself that I'd
closed long ago. The need for secrecy has long since passed.'
I'm afraid yet I slowly nod to let Charms A Bird do it. He lifts his
right hand and taps my forehead. A gasp escapes my lips when I Sense power.
A strong memory is uncovered in me. Something that happened to me in the
earlier part of the moon of my death. Shaman Comes-the-rain was tending me in
his lodge for one of my frequent stomach aches. They were really gettin' bad.
A burning in my gut that I thought came from me worryin' so much. He received
a visitor. It was late at night when the fire was only embers. I'd awakened
from my sick mat, hearing the word 'O-mah Ha' spoken by the visitor that held
no meaning for me.
Flames are licking at the wood Shaman Comes-the-rain has tossed into the
central fire pit. I'm peeking through mere eye slits, feigning sleep. The
visitor is a young man. He hand gestures words to the shaman. I'm only able
to catch some of them. Some'm about a meeting circle, an Evil One and a
strong warning to be on Watch. They both look in my direction.
I shut my eyes with fear squeezin' my heart. A moment later, someone's
hand is felt over my belly that startles me bad. I've been discovered!
There's a warmth building in me that eases my stomach pain. Then a strange
Pulling from my head. My front flap is lifted by the visitor. I'm keepin' my
eyes closed even though they knowed I'm awake. Hey! What's he doing to me?
My forming erection is handled. That embarrasses me because my shaman has
gotta be see'n what his visitor is doing to me. Why does he allow it? I'm
squirming against my ground mat. Thoughts of Owopspec fills my head - all the
things we've done together in love. Running Wolf Asks me to Show him this. I
know his name from our voiceless exchange. He's a shaman of the Om-ma Ha and
I learn that he shares my preference for those of my sex.
'Your stomach hurt is taken from you. In return, I Ask for a part of
yourself to restore me by Healing you.'
I'm nodding my head though I think he's Heard from me that he can. His
hand is gettin' my dick to feel real intense. A memory is Called into my
head when Owopspec sucked seed from me a few days ago. I get the idea that
this man wants to drink from me too for strength.
Running Wolf's other hand feels over my chest. He likes my soft hair
there. My nipples erect when he palms over them. I'm moaning. Breaths are
racin' through my mouth. My butt flexes against the ground mat when I drive
myself through this young man's hand.
I'm crying out at climax. Running Wolf's hand pulls from my weary body. He
lifts it towards the tipi's smoke hole as if in prayer unto our Father. I sit
up. That's when I see Shaman Comes-the-rain before the blazing fire. He sits
with his head slumped to his chest as if in sleep.
"What did you do to him!" Running Wolf ignores my question upon him. He
brings his right hand to his mouth. My face burns to see him lickin' my sperm
from it. He gets to his feet and that's when I notice he's not covered back
there. The young man grins from noticin' my eyes on his butt. He wipes what
remains on his hand between his cheeks. I'm gasping. Would he have let me put
that in him myself?
'I would have let you but my need now was for strength,' the man signs.
I'm carefully rubbing over my stomach. It don't hurt no more. He's made it
go away through some healing magic? The Indian nods. His eyes widen and take
on a distance look. How the fire reflects in them. Filled with such Power!
'I need you to Pass something from me to your warrior.'
I'm shaking my head in denial to his gestured plea. He scares me! It's not
words he wants me to pass onto Good-eyes, I'll reckon.
'Do not be afraid, boy of sun colored hair. I act in the Light. From love
for all those who are like us. I want to give you an Arrow of Power for your
warrior to wield. He'll be in need of it against a servant of Evil.'
I remember this man warning our shaman to be on Watch against such a one.
I'm looking past Running Wolf to see if the old man is still asleep. He is.
This O-mah Ha Shaman did that to him somehow.
'He would not understand my rite with you,' he gestures.
'Comes-the-rain is shaman of my tribe! I fear your power over him and what
you've gone and done to me.'
'I Healed you. Did I not ask for some of your strength to restore me
before taking it from you?'
He did but his hand around my dick made it difficult to reject his plea.
I've acted from lust. Not from the good sense I'm learnin' to trust from my
head. Running Wolf kneels over my legs. His hands reach under me to grasp my
cheeks. Fear comes to my heart. I thrust my hands out in a gesture for 'No'.
He wants to rape me!
Running Wolf shakes his head. 'I wouldn't do anything against your will.'
His words were Heard in my head! There's a Pulling sensation from it. Now
he knows what Mr. Telson had committed on my person.
'That man's expression of love for you was clumsy. He couldn't accept who
he was inside. We have. The joy to embrace those of our sex isn't wrong. I'm
glad that your warrior has brought you this truth. Otherwise, you could have
been subverted by Evil.'
Truth. This young man has a good heart. I'm Feeling this from him and it
helps qualm my fears. "You said some'm about giving Good-eyes an arrow."
'An Arrow to wield against the Trickster.'
"Why not go to him an' offer it? He'll gladly let you put it in his butt.
Some of the men in our tribe are often doing that to him." I'm scolding
myself for speaking ill of my lover like that.
'My gift has to be given in love.'
He means through me. "There's another you can Pass it through," I blurt
out. I'm thinking of Wind-go-through-his-hair. I still fear this Om-ma Ha
Shaman and hope he'll go do it with that boy instead of me.
'That youth does not allow his butt to be taken.'
He knows this from being inside my head. What other things has this man
learned from me? I'm looking over at Shaman Comes-the-rain and sure wish he
were awake. I'm in need of his advice. His protection.
'I've told you that your shaman would not understand. His is a good heart
but my path diverges from his in service to the People. I will tell you a
thing to prove this is so. Has not Comes-the-rain denied your lover's request
to perform a marriage rite for the both of you? That's because your shaman
fears losing respect of the People if he were to even though your warrior's
father is chief who had brought his son's request unto Comes-the-rain to
perform this sacred rite. He still refuses to in spite of your attempt to
address his fears.'
"How can you know this?" My anger is actually directed at my shaman. I
thought I'd brought him around to perform a marriage ceremony for us.
'I have Looked into Comes-the-rain earlier. You were watching our words
that were not for your eyes to have seen. I needed to know who you were.'
"You didn't come here 'cause of me."
'No. This other matter was only just revealed to me. It concerns your
warrior. I will tell you but afterwards, your memories of me and what we've
done must be blocked in your head to prevent Evil from learning about it. You
are scared about this. Don't be, Krist-o-fer. Have I not spoken only truth
to you and ask first before taking?'
I'm slowly nodding my head. The Indian breathes in deeply, his hands
returning to my butt. I see some'm strong in his eyes by the way he looks
over my body. It's lust. Yet inside my head, I Sense the importance of my
Passing a Power from him to Good-eyes through that male expression of love.
'Your warrior will become shaman of this tribe.'
"Owopspec?" That surprises me. I knowed he'd become chief like his Pa but
not to follow the path of an Inspired One. He cannot if I were to be at his
side. A shaman does not marry so that he can devote himself an' all to the
People. That means his not havin' a male lover, either.
I'm Sensing sadness from Running Wolf. I don't know why but it sure makes
me afraid. Fer myself!
'Make your decision, Krist-o-fer. I need you to Pass my Arrow to your
warrior so that he can serve the People. Trust me in this thing. I'll not
return to your tribe for many many hands in fingered moons without count.
Perhaps not ever.'
I've heard that Indian way of expressin' time from Owopspec. It means a
long time from now after we are dead and buried. This man's plea is still
upon me. I'm still afraid so I ask, "What will you be doing to me?" His hands
squeeze my cheeks. A lightning sensation goes through my hole. I've often
felt my lover's hands ov'r my butt to gesture his need for male relief in it.
Never have I denied that from him. This man says it's important for us to do
it. I see no harm in giving myself to him if it's only for lust. He is rather
a good looking Indian.
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