Date: Tue, 12 Jun 2007 19:39:03 +0200
From: A.K. <andrej@andrejkoymasky.com>
Subject: Malgre tout 06/13 (Historical)

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MALGRE TOUT
by Andrej Koymasky (C) 2007
written on October 18, 1993
translated by the author
English text kindly revised by John

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USUAL DISCLAIMER

"MALGRE TOUT" is a gay story, with some parts containing graphic scenes
of sex between males. So, if in your land, religion, family, opinion and
so on this is not good for you, it will be better not to read this
story. But if you really want, or because YOU don't care, or because you
think you really want to read it, please be my welcomed guest.

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CHAPTER 6 -- What means "desire"?

The two boys, even though they could not understand each other, could
read in the other's eyes the mutual friendship that was gradually
blooming. Without being able to express it, they both had decided to
remain together. Jacques, to make Kurt understand he had nothing more to
fear from him, took his rifle and unloaded it.

Then, pointing towards the part of the forest from which he had come,
Jacques said, "There, French... boom, boom! French. Do you understand?"

"<French?>" Kurt asked. Then, pointing towards the part from where he had
come, added, "<The Prussian army is there. Do you understand? Prussians,
boom, boom, there.>"

"<Prussians?> Prussians there? So then, will we go in that direction?"
asked Jacques pointing in a third direction, "Jacques and Kurt there?"

"<Yes, Jacques and Kurt there!>" nodded the blond boy and, to be more
exact, he said, "<There Prussian, there French, and there Jacques and
Kurt, right?>"

"Yes, there Prussian, there French, and there we two!" nodded Jacques
setting out with the other.

They walked for a long time, in silence. From time to time Jacques
stopped to gather herbs and wild fruit which he shared with his new
friend. After two day's march, while they exchanged long chats, without
understanding each other, but just for the pleasure of hearing the
other's voice, just not to feel lonely, they reached the edge of the
forest.

They caught a glimpse of a farm and squatted down hiding amongst the
bushes. Carefully observing, one beside the other, Jacques touched his
companion's arm and pointed in one direction -- there were many clothes
hung to dry. "Look! Those clothes! There are also men's clothes, you
see? If we manage to steal some we could put our uniforms away and pass
for two civilians, If they don't take them away from there before, when
it becomes darker we can go and steal some. What do you think?"

Kurt looked at the direction pointed out by his companion and, seeing
the clothes, then Jacques' gestures, guessed what the other was telling
him.

"<We take those clothes so we can throw way these uniforms? But if thy
catch us... who knows who lives in there? Yes, there are many clothes; it
must be a large family... It would be good if we could leave these
uniforms... Let's try to go and steal some...>" he said making as to stand
up.

Jacques pulled him down and pointing at the sun and making the gesture
it was setting, said, "Wait it becomes darker. And then, it would be
better I go alone, because here we are in France and they are French
like me... If they catch me, I at least I am not an enemy, right? You'll
wait for me here, and rather, I will give you my rifle, loaded, so that
if something bad happened me you can fire and scare them..."

Kurt looked at him frowning and shook his head trying to tell him he had
understood nothing. Then Jacques repeated his speech making gestures,
miming the action.

"House... clothes... Jacques... go, take clothes... Kurt, rifle... men from the
house... scream... Jacques runs... Kurt fires, boom-boom... men scared... run back
home... Jacques runs here... we change our clothes and go back there in the
forest... understood?"

"<I shoot with your rifle, boom-boom, on the men?>"

"Hey, not on me boom-boom!  No boom-boom on Jacques, is that clear?"

"<Kurt no boom-boom Jacques!>" the Prussian boy said smiling, then he
added, miming, "Kurt and Jacques peace, <friends!>"

They smiled each other. The sun was setting. They saw a wagon pulled by
oxen arriving at the farm and disappearing behind it. From the chimney a
column of smoke was rising. They waited some more. It was now growing
dark. Jacques entrusted his loaded rifle to Kurt.

"Take it and wait here. I think they are eating, now. I go to steal the
clothes. May god help me. You keep your eye on the house and shoot, if
they come out and run after me. I trust you, Kurt! I'm going."

The Prussian boy nodded and leveled the rifle aiming at a point half way
between the hanging clothes and the house.

"<Go, I'll protect you.>" He said, almost in a whisper.

Jacques stood up. Moving from tree to tree, from bush to bush, went as
near as he could. Then, as he reached the forest border, he carefully
studied the last part of his way. He looked towards Kurt who waved a
hand to tell him he was ready. Then Jacques, almost folded in two, ran
towards the clothes and gathered breeches, shirts, jackets and
hurriedly, ran back towards the forest with the bundled clothes.

Not a sound, not a voice came from the farm.

Jacques arrived out of breath near Kurt.

"All went right! Let's go away at once. We will change a long way from
here." He said panting.

Kurt stood up and held out the rifle to Jacques.

"No, keep it now. Let's go, hurry up!" Jacques said then, pointing his
rucksack, said, "Take that as well."

Kurt understood and took the rucksack. They again went into the forest
climbing up the slope and going as far as possible from the scene of the
theft. They walked for a long time, until the darkness made their march
too difficult. They decided they could stop. Jacques put down the bundle
of stolen clothes. He spread the blanket and made to Kurt the gesture to
lie down near him. Lying in the darkness, Jacques felt the companion's
body lightly touching his own.

"Tomorrow morning we will put away our uniforms and hid them here in the
forest. Dressed without our uniforms it would be easer to go away. Just
the language problem remains ... And we have also to abandon the rifle and
anything else that can show we were soldiers..."

"<At home, I always slept with my brother, on the same bed. So now you
are my brother. When we hit the bed, we always talked about a lot of
subjects, before falling asleep. Even though he was younger than me, he
had a great success with the girls and told me about his conquests.
Well, I too had my adventures, even though a lot less than him. Did you
have a girlfriends at your village?>"

"For sure, I cannot go back home, at this point. And possibly you
neither, as you deserted like me. Where could we go? What could we do?
If only this war would end soon... Would you like staying with me? We
could possibly find a job in some farm, who knows?"

"<Otto, my brother, had always the yen to make love. But we didn't talk
only of girls, you know! At times we were also making plans for the
future. Both we were thinking that we wouldn't have liked having to be
farm-boys all our life long. We planned to go to Freiburg to look for a
job. In a city it would have been easier. Also one of our cousins was
working in Freiburg. He was a carpenter and said that city life is good.
And he could possibly also teach us his job.>"

"Who knows why our emperors decided to make this war? And moreover at
our expenses... I like being here near you. I... I'm feeling a strong desire
to embrace you, to touch you. I never could, with a man. Anyway, neither
with a woman. But I, the women... You are so beautiful. And so close to
me, now, that it is difficult for me not to touch you. If I kiss you
now... you possibly won't be my friend any more... who knows?"

"<Otto and I were more friends than brothers, you know? When they chose
me to go to war, he wanted to go too. But our father didn't agree. He
said it was already a misfortune to lose one son and he didn't want to
lose both of us. I too was hardly able to persuade Otto to remain at
home.>"

"Who knows why you and I speak different languages? Who knows why we are
from different lands? A little like those of Chaumont who prefer to be
different from those of Boulogne, even though they all speak French.
It's all bullshit! We are all the same but we all want to feel
different. Good Lord what a desire I feel to touch you, to kiss you... to
make love with you!"

"<I would have liked having an older brother like you. It is not always
easy being the older brother. Well, I also have two sisters, older than
me. My father wanted a son so much and was really happy when at last I
was born. That's why he was so disheartened when the officer choose me.
They had all of us on one line and the officer was examining us and said
- this one yes, this one no. I'm small, but very strong, so he said yes
to me. Do you know that I was very good at the competitions? I was one
of the best in my squad. At the beginning I liked military life. But
then... when Heinrich sank his bayonet into the chest of that boy...>"

"If we could just communicate, you and I... I like the sound of your
voice. I like feeling your body near mine. I'm telling you so, but you
can't understand me..."

"<His eyes... oh, those eyes! And then, your eyes...>"

"But... who knows? You soul could possibly understand what my soul would
like telling you..."

"<At first I was scared of you, I must confess.>"

"Should I take the risk and made you understand what I'm feeling for
you?"

"<But then I read in your eyes that you would not kill me. And that
possibly you too were as scared as I was.>"

"But if I did it... I'll risk losing you... now that I have just found you."

"<You were menacing me with your rifle that couldn't fire, and you
weren't even aware of it.>"

"But who are you, in reality? What unites us, besides running away?"

"<And now we are sleeping one at the other's side like two friends, like
two brothers... That's beautiful.>"

"When I gave you my loaded rifle, I thought that I would have known if
you really accepted me, if we were no more enemies."

"<Who knows what destiny has in store for us?>"

"Yes, at least in part, you have accepted me."

"<What will be our destiny?>"

"Could you really accept me one day?"

"<You neither can know it...>"

"Will we have a future, you and I?"

"<But now, let's sleep>, Jacques."

"You have a beautiful name, Kurt. Everything about you is beautiful."

"<Good night, my friend.>"

"I desire you..." Jacques murmured.

They fell asleep. The first to wake up was Kurt. He looked at the French
youth, still sleeping deeply. He gently shook him, until Jacques opened
his eyes.

"<Good morning, Jacques.>" He greeted him with a smile.

The Frenchman answered with a smile, "You are still here... it wasn't a
dream, then."

"<We have now to leave our uniforms and wear these clothes.>" Kurt said
stretching out an arm to take the bundle of clothes and starting to
examine them.

Making gestures, each chose the clothes he intended to wear. Jacques had
stolen more than they needed. He had also taken a square cloth, so they
folded it and put in it the clothes that they didn't wear. Then Jacques
added the remaining food, the jack-knife and the bear statuette carved
by Michel. He closed the cloth tying the four corners in a knot thus
making a bundle. Then, taking the bayonet from the rifle, he looked for
a good branch and cut it to hang the bundle on it. Finally he started to
take off his uniform, and Kurt at once followed suit.

Jacques looked at the boy's body revealing little by little. Kurt had a
beautiful body, sweet but muscled, hairless and slender but strong. When
Kurt pulled off his trousers, he turned his back in an instinctive
gesture of modesty. Totally naked, their feet on the blanket, they
started to put on the civilian clothes. Jacques admired his friend's
back, his small, firm buttocks, and his slender and strong legs.

When they were dressed again, they gathered their two uniforms on the
blanket, Jacques added the rucksack and the boots, then hid the bundle
inside a thick bush, also adding several branches he had cut. Then with
the bayonet Jacques dug a furrow in the soft ground and deposited in it
the rifle, the bayonet, the gunpowder and bullet pouches and then they
carefully covered everything up again.

When all was done, Kurt looked with a satisfied expression at his
friend, "<You are very nice clothed as you are now.>" He said.

"I will keep the canteen, for the moment. We will throw it away only if
we meet somebody, but now we need it for water."

"<We now really seem to be ordinary countrymen.>"

"The spare clothes will be useful when it grows colder. It's a pity we
had to leave the blanket, but it was a military blanket. Of the
emperor's army. We would not be able to explain why we have it."

"<We can go in that direction, do you agree?>" Kurt asked pointing his
arm.

Jacques understood the gesture more than the words and said, "Let's hope
this direction will take us far from both our armies..." and they set out.

Jacques' eyes were still full of the vision of his friend's beautiful
nakedness. From the way Kurt was walking barefoot, he understood that he
too must have been used to doing so, somewhat like all country boys.
This made him feel even closer, more like the Prussian boy.

"You too are a country boy like me..." he said, smiling.

"<Walking in this direction will lead somewhere, and when we meet people
we should be safe because we are now wearing ordinary clothes. But I, if
I talk, everybody understands I am an enemy, what can we do?>"

"You were so beautiful, all naked, that I regret we had to put on these
clothes!"

"<If only I could talk your language...>"

"You didn't even glance at me. It's obvious that you don't dig boys."

When they stopped to eat, Kurt said, "Jacques? <I can't speak French...
what can we do?>"

"Our food is almost finished... we have to get out of here, and go to some
inhabited place..."

"Jacques, <I don't speak French.>"

"Yes, you could seem to be French."

"<Speak, do you understand? Speak.>" Kurt said matching his words with
gestures.

"To speak?" Jacques asked, repeating the gesture with his hand.

"Yes, to speak. I no to speak French."

"Right, you don't speak French... You hidden, I go?" Jacques asked miming
and clearly pronouncing the words.

"I hidden you go? <But> I not <separated from> Jacques. Kurt and Jacques
always so!" the Prussian boy said, making the gesture with the fingers
to be united.

"You united with me forever?"

"I united with you forever!" Kurt said, "<but> I no to speak French."

"Ah, I've understood! You silent. You dumb... I speak, you dumb..." Jacques
said brightening and he repeated the words matching them with
appropriate gestures.

"I dumb? Mm... mmm... mmm dumb?"

"Yes, you dumb and I speak, agreed?"

"Yes, I dumb and you speak. Good. I dumb."

"You are my brother. You and I... *fratres... orate fratres...* you and I
*fratres...* brothers."

"<Oh yes, brothers>, *fratres*, brothers!" Kurt said brightening, "You
Jacques brothers speak, I Kurt brothers dumb."

"No, Kurt is a Prussian name. You are Charles, not Kurt. Charles, the dumb
brother."

"I Charles dumb brothers?"

"Yes, you are Charles my dumb brother, so you have not to speak."

"Understood. Good. <But... but> I not understand if French men speak me."

"You dumb and... idiot!" Jacques immediately answered laughing and mimed
the expression of an idiot.

Kurt laughed, "I Charles idiot and dumb!" he repeated and at his turn he
made the expression of an idiot saying, "Mm... mmmm... mmm..."

"Yes, good, so!" Jacques said clapping his hands.

"<Let's hope it will work>, Jacques..."

"I have a brother who is wonderful and idiot!" the French boy smiled
lightly caressing his friend's hand.

"<I don't know if it will really work, Jacques. We would possibly be
discovered and killed... both of us. But I'm glad I met you.>"

"Friend... brother... I would rather like having you as a lover."

"You and I friend and brother. You and I peace. Thank you." Kurt
murmured holding his hand tightly and looking in his eyes.

"I would like making love with you, Kurt."

"I no Kurt! I Charles, brother idiot and dumb!" the Prussian boy said,
smiling.

"You are so beautiful, and I desire you to die for, I desire you, yes..."
Jacques murmured as an answer.

"Desire?" Kurt asked, made curious, "<What means>, desire?"

"Nothing. I would like explaining you, but I can't."

"<You say things I cannot understand. I say things you cannot understand.
And yet it is so good being together.>"

"It gives me a weird feeling being able to say to you -- I would like
making love with you. And to know that you cannot understand me. Telling
you that I would like to kiss you, and only because you still don't know
these words' meaning."

"<I'm feeling you are telling me important things. I can read it in your
eyes. There are things you say that you do your best to make me
understand. Other words, on the contrary, just you say them and don't
explain me, not even if I ask you their meaning. It is possibly because
they are too difficult to explain?>"

"I would like seeing you naked again, and touch you all over and show
you how much you turn me on... and kiss you!"

"<Your eyes are shining, now. Exactly like Otto, when he was telling me
about his adventures. Are you telling me about your fiancée, possibly?
Your sweeter, more beautiful memories? Is it what you are trying to
communicate to me?>"

"Your eyes are so sweetly smiling to me... who knows what are you
thinking, now, what are you telling me?"

"<I didn't leave a fiancée there at my village. There was a girl I liked
a lot; we even kissed... But then her father had her married with the
miller, a rich widowed old man. She was so sad, and I too was sad. I
would have liked making love with her, but we unhappily could not.>"

"Should I, all my life long, just dream of impossible relationships?
First with Sylvestre, then with Michel, and now with you?"

"<Well, yes, I made love with other girls. Two in all. It was good, but
it was just sex. One was skilled too; she did it with other boys as
well, before me. She made me enjoy it a lot. But it was just sex. There
was no love. Were you ever in love?>"

"Those two, there, in the bushes were doing it... who knows how they
managed to understand each other, how they found each other? Lucky
them!"

"<At times I felt lonely, do you know?>"

"Possibly... simply one of them found the courage to tell the other..."

"<Even when I was with a girl, I always felt lonely. But with you, on the
contrary, I don't feel lonely. Exactly as with my brother Otto. With him
I also never felt lonely.>"

"If I now touched you, caressed you, how would you react?"

"<Yes, and so I can call you> friend, <I can call you> brother... <It's really
beautiful, do you know?>"

"You think of me just like a friend, a brother... therefore I cannot."

"Friend and brother. Yes, good!"

"It's good, alright. Even though it's not enough for me. But I have to
content myself and keep my desire hidden from you."

"Desire? <What means> desire?"

Jacques didn't answer. They went on walking in silence, each of them
immersed in his thoughts. Until they came out of the forest again, into
fields. Far away, they saw some farms. They stopped to look.

Jacques, pointing at them, said, "Let's go down there. I can possibly do
some jobs and ask for some food... you now have to act as Charles, my dumb
and idiot brother, alright?"

"Yes, understood, I Charles dumb and idiot. You Jacques speak, I dumb."

"Good, let's go, then." Jacques said setting out, their bundle on his
shoulder. Kurt went alongside and seized his hand. Jacques looked at him
and Kurt made the face of an idiot. Jacques smiled him and said, "Good."
And at a fast pace they walked towards the far farms, hand in hand.

When they were near the first of the farms, they met a man in his
forties coming from the opposite direction, his hoe on his shoulder. The
man looked them up and down from far. Jacques squeezed Kurt's hand. When
they came near to the man, Jacques greeted him.

"Good day."

"Who are you? Were do you come from?"

"We... from Epinal." Jacques answered.

"And what are you doing here?"

"Prussians destroyed our farm, and only we two survived... my brother and
I... and we ran away."

"The Prussians? They passed here too, and they stole more than half of
our harvest from us, the bastards."

"But at least you're alive... and your houses still standing." Jacques
answered back.

"What's up with that one?" the man asked pointing with his chin towards
Kurt.

Jacques looked at Kurt -- he had his mouth half opened, his eyes dull
with a look lost into space.

"He's my brother Charles. He's dumb and... and he's idiot, the poor boy."

"Ha, because of the war?"

"No, he's so since his childhood."

"But, can't he understand anything?"

"No. When our house was under the shelling, he laughed and clapped his
hands..."

"Well, he's lucky, if he can't understand. But how it comes he is so
blond? You don't even seem brothers."

"Our poor Mum was blond like gold. He took from the poor Mum. I,
instead, from Dad..." Jacques answered with a sad expression, feeling
somewhat tense, and asking himself if the man would have swallowed it.

"She died under the house?" the man dryly asked.

"Yes, with two sisters and the grand parents."

"And your father?"

"He was conscripted. He's at war."

"I see..."

"And we now... we need food."

"Very little remained to us."

"I could do some jobs for you... in exchange for some food..."

"Not for me. But come. Master Renard could possibly need good arms..."

"My brother Charles... if I get him understand what he has to do, he can
also do some work. He's strong... He gave a hand, at home..."

"So much the better. Come on, I'll see you to Master Renard's."

The man showed them the way and they followed him. When they were in
front of a farm bigger that the others, the man called out master Renard
and told him about the two boys, telling him they were looking for work.

"Did you lose everything in this damned war, then?" the man, who was in
his fifties, asked in a rude tone.

"Yes, house, family, everything."

"And you want to work for me."

"If possible... to earn food..."

"I've wood to chop, but then I have nothing more for you to do."

"Well... if you let us chop it, in exchange for a food supply, we then can
try elsewhere..."

"And where do you think you'll go? Sedan fell into Prussian hands, and
even the Emperor is their prisoner. In Paris it was proclaimed the
republic... bah... and Prussians are moving forward, they are beyond here
and... I fear that we are now subjects of Willhelm the bastard! Bazaire
shut himself up in Metz, but only god knows if and how long he can hold
out... I would not even be able to tell you where you had better to go.
Anyway, for now, come and I'll show you where the wood is. Are you sure
your brother can do it? I wouldn't him to harm himself with the axe."

"Oh, yes, he always did it at home, before each winter."

"So much the better. I'll give you supplies of food in exchange..."

"And a blanket? But an old one... It's starting to get cold..."

"Yes, a blanket as well."

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CONTINUES IN CHAPTER 7

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In my home page I've put some more of my stories. If someone wants to
read them, the URL is

http://andrejkoymasky.com

If you want to send me feed-back, or desire to help revising my English
translations, so that I can put on-line more of my  stories in English
please e-mail at

andrej@andrejkoymasky.com

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