Date: Thu, 22 Jul 1999 16:19:11 +0900
From: andrejkoymasky@geocities.com
Subject: Snot-boy-10

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SNOT BOY
by Andrej Koymasky (C) 1999
written on May 1st 1990
translated by the author
English text kindly revised by
J.O. Dickingson (authorsix@hotmail.com)

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USUAL DISCLAIMER

"SNOT BOY" is a gay story, with some parts containing graphic scenes of
sex between males. So, if in your land, religion, family, opinion and so
on this is not good for you, it will be better not to read this story.
But if you really want, or because YOU don't care, or because you think
you really want to read it, please be my welcomed guest.

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Chapter 10 - Disappeared

Julien was reading one of Alexandre's books when a gaoler opened the
door to his cell and his friend entered. He had a satisfied expression
and, going near Julien, said, "In about one week, I will be free. Do you
see that to frequent the beds of the right people one always gains. If
you too agreed to go with one or two citizens I know, you too would soon
be free.  Moreover, one of them is not bad at all, and I know that he
likes you."

"No, Alexandre. You do know how I feel about that..."

"But in this way you risk getting mouldy in here, always if all goes
well for you."

Those last words resounded sinisterly in Julien's ears, and he weighed
them in silence, serious and tense. If all did not go well, it would
mean the guillotine.

His friend continued, "And then, it is not said that here you don't risk
being raped again, especially when I will no longer be here..."

"How do you know about it?"

"I told you, my friend, I have my information sources. And I also know
that more than one man has laid his eyes on you and I am afraid that
sooner or later, by hook or by crook, you will have to submit to
somebody's attentions. If on the contrary it was you to make up your
mind, and to choose the right person, it would be different, do you not
understand?"

Julien was troubled. He knew that his friend was right and yet he didn't
want to agree to have intercourse with others except his beloved. To be
raped was for sure not a merry thing, and neither was the idea to spend
in the gaol months... nor years. He was torn. Alexandre guessed the
battle that was happening inside his friend and, on instinct, he
withdrew and kept silent.

After a while Julien, looking at his friend and meeting his eyes, asked,
"But if I agreed to make love with a stranger just to be able to leave
from here, if I agreed not to belong only to my Luc, what would be the
difference? It would be all the same. I can go to bed with whomever. If
I want to cheat my love, it is not enough the pretext I do it just to be
free. Either I prostitute myself, or I remain faithful to my Luc."

"Don't you think there could be a middle way?" Alexandre suggested with
a smile.

"I don't know. I cannot see it."

"And by the way, am I a prostitute, as you say?"

"No, you do not have a lover. And anyway, each person makes his
choices."

"So, you think that your Luc is faithful to you."

"I do not know, and I do not care. I can decide for myself I want to be
faithful to him, I cannot decide for another."

"If he cheated on you, would you not be sad?"

"I do no know... I do not think... at least as long as he does not
desert me."

"I cannot understand you. Besides, the fact that to me the same concepts
of faithfulness, loyalty are completely out of fashion. Especially in
these times. But if faith has to be kept, it must be for both or for no
one. It is not right to make two weights and two measures.  It is not
right to be biassed in one's judgement."

"I can possibly be wrong, but I feel that my Luc is faithful to me."

"I hope yours is not just a hope, an illusion. When desire seizes you,
especially when you are separated, principles often turn upside down
with extreme easiness. And we become really skilled in finding the
pretexts to justify what we are doing."

They looked in each other's eyes. Alexandre's eyes had like a flashing
and he added, "Anyway... I regret you do not feel like making love with
me again, Jul... Marc."

"Do not think it is easy. At times, looking at you, I too feel seized by
desire. You are really sensual, very sexy. And the fact I know that you
too desire me, makes it all even more difficult, believe me."

"But then, why do you not let yourself go?"

"I belong to Luc, nowadays. I explained that to you. Is that so
difficult to understand? I cannot give to others what is no more mine.
It seems logical to me."

"I could possibly be fatuous, but I do not see things in such a
melodramatic way. Each one remains his own master and cannot belong to
another, unless he is a slave."

"Love, then, possibly makes us slaves."

"If it is so, then, hurrah for freedom and down with love!"

"No. The day when you too will fall in love, you will understand that it
is not so. Love makes slaves and sovereigns at the same time."

"Ah, I am no philosopher," Alexandre said with a soft laughter, making a
gesture with his hand as if chasing away something in front of his face.
A noise at the door caused them to become silent.

A gaoler entered. "Citizen Varennes, follow me."

Alexandre bent toward Julien and whispered, "Another of my admirers,
without any doubt," and followed the man.

Julien, now alone, thought again of all they had said. Yes, Alexandre
did attract him very much, but to him Luc was everything. Even though
they were so different in origins, education and culture, he could feel
they were made one for the other. He closed his eyes and pictured in his
mind his lover's body. His own body reacted at once to that image and
became aroused, burning with desire. He was so plunged in these so
beautiful and so painful sensations, when the door to the cell opened
again and a man with a cockade entered. The man went near Julien and
stared in his eyes. The door was closed behind the man's back with a
loud bolting noise.

"You really are a gorgeous boy as I was told," the stranger said with a
pleased smile.

He drew nearer to Julien and put his hand between the boy's legs and
fingered there, feeling and testing the boy's erection. Julien jolted
back while in the man's face appeared a lusty and wicked smile.

"You already are awake, I can feel. Don't avoid me. Anyway we are shut
in here and they will open only when I tell them. I like you, boy.
Undress."

"No, citizen," Julien answered, looking straight in his eyes and backing
farther.

The man, pulling off his overcoat and throwing it on a chair, went again
near the boy. "Oh yes, for sure. If you will be easy with me, you could
only get benefits. Undress, boy. I want you."

"If you want me, you have to try to take me by force. But, I warn you. I
will oppose you with all my energies."

"Come on, nice young male! You know that if I want I really could have
you held fast and take you at my pleasure, don't you? Be sensible,
undress, it will not be bad, you'll see."

"Stop it! Don't touch me!"

"It's I the one to give orders in here. You are just a prisoner. If I so
decide, I can send you to the guillotine, don't you know? But, if I want
so, I can also free you. It depends only on your behaviour. What do you
choose?"

"I'd rather prefer the guillotine, citizen, then submitting to your
obscene lust."

"Ho, ho, how noble! But also how naive. I want you, and I'll have you.
I'll bend you, you'll see. It will be enough some fasting, some lessons
with the lash, and it will be you who will be begging me to take you.
Nobody, never, has succeeded in slipping out of my hands, remember. And
if you compel me to take you with force, afterwards there will anyway be
the guillotine. Is it not better for you to surrender at once?"

"It could be as you say, but you will never have me with my will. You
can also do what you like with my body, but I remain free. Even if you
rape me, even if you kill me. And nothing can shelter you from my
contempt."

The man, picking up again his overcoat from the chair, went to the door
and knocked, then turned toward Julien and said, with a low and sharp
voice, "See you soon, imbecile."

Alone again, Julien sat on the edge of his bed.  His heart was beating
strongly, and his head whirled.  He could possibly never again see his
Luc because of that refusal. Just that made him depressed, but he didn't
repent for his reaction. He had signed his own death sentence, but he
could not have acted differently. Little by little he calmed down and
when Alexandre came back, he was already and again serene and quiet.

As soon as his friend entered the room, he said to Julien, "I warned him
beforehand that he would for sure receive a refusal from you, hoping
that he would not try with you. Now he is furious. I really fear he will
make you pay for what you have done. You really are crazy... If you had
accepted to stay with him, you would have solved all your problems, he
is a very powerful judge."

Julien didn't answer.

Then Alexandre sat near him. "On one side, I admire you, do you know? He
said he felt you were aroused and yet you refused him. I would never
have done such a thing. That really made him furious. To try to help
you, I told him that, for what I knew, you never made love with a man.
But I am afraid I made a mistake, as this made him desire even more to
have you. He is not a sadistic man, for what I know, and it is even
pleasurable making love with him. He does not have a too big endowment,
and he knows how to use it. But now he has put in his head the idea he
has to take you at any cost, and in one way or the other, he will do it.
Believe me."

"He could have my body, but not me. Do you think he will like to couple
with a corpse?"

"You are not thinking, by chance, to put an end to your life?"

"No, possibly not. I do not know if I would have the means, or the
courage. But to him I will be like a corpse. And not without fighting to
the last bit of strength I will have."

"You are a hero, or you are a fool."

"Perhaps there is not so much difference is there? Perhaps I am the one
and the other, perhaps neither."

"Tell me something - he said he felt you were aroused. How is that? Not
for him, I presume."

"Certainly not. I was thinking of my Luc when he entered and touched
me."

"It was to be guessed. But... do not you think of other than him?"

"Oh yes, I think several things. But he is always there, with all my
thoughts."

"He must be an extraordinary boy, to have charmed you so much, and you
would rather lose him than to cheat on him. I really cannot understand
you. If I really could have a so wonderful lover, I would rather cheat
on him than lose him."

"Yes, he is extraordinary, he is wonderful, and even more than that. But
if I cheated on him, I could no longer feel I belong to him and so I
would lose him. If I cheated on him, it would be my choice, so I would
be guilty. If I lose him now, it is a choice of other people, the guilt
of other people."

"And yet, you made love with me when you already had met him."

"Yes, that is true. But I had not yet accepted his love, I had not yet
understood it, I did not yet belong to him and neither him to me."

"I would like to meet this demigod of yours, this superhuman being."

"He is no demigod and he is very human. He has his flaws, like any of
us. He is very beautiful, but not perfect. Intelligent, but has his
limits. But he is my Luc, and that is enough, and makes him unique."

"More than the words you are saying is the light that is in your eyes
that makes me guess how very precious this boy is to you. You talk about
him and you are transformed. If it was up to me, it would be enough to
free you and let you go back to him. But that man... I really fear he
will make you regret your refusal. He is not wicked, I think, but
terribly proud. And also stubborn. And powerful - he is nowadays one of
the most influential men in the magistracy of the new Republic."

"You once told me that neither the King nor the Pope can prevent
somebody from loving. Is he perhaps more powerful than them?"

"No, certainly not. But he can prevent you from living, from seeing
again your Luc."

"But not from loving him. That is enough to me. If I surrender to his
yen, to his demands, it will be me to feel unworthy of Luc. As you can
see, there is no way out."

"I would like to help you, my poor Julien. I would really like to be
able to help you. You make me feel so much tenderness. But here, I am
lucky if I can just help myself."

"In one week you will be free, is it not so?"

"So my protector promised me. Let us hope he is not deceiving me."

"You seemed so sure about it, Alexandre. What happened?"

"I do not know. I hope that the judge, angry because of your refusal,
will not take his revenge also on me."

"I regret that, my friend. But I cannot help it. I cannot change my
mind, can you understand?"

"Certainly, I understand. And I am asking you nothing. If I really had
the power to ask you something, I would try to persuade you to make
again love with me," his friend answered with a gentle smile.

"And yet, you do not miss occasions to amuse yourself, even in here. At
least according to what you have told me. Why have you set your heart on
me?"

"It is certainly as you say. I have at least six lovers in here. From
the coarse Marot to the refined Denouel, from the young Charriere to the
mature Tourette, from the powerful Maximilien to the poor Des Noillet...
But you are something special. Perhaps for the fact you do not want me
any more, I desire you even more. Or possibly because I feel you are
more akin to me than the others, I do not know. With the others I amuse
myself, give vent to my needs and obtain something in exchange. If it
were not for that I would possibly not stay with them, except Charriere.
But you really are special."

"What do you plan to do, when you become free?"

"I do not know.  I will possibly become Maximilien' s lover, at least as
long as he does not get tired of me.  What can an aristocrat who has
lost everything do?  Of course not manual work. But what else? I really
have no idea. But I will live, and I will succeed in becoming a man of
some importance, if only luck assists me."

"I wish you to succeed, my friend. These are hard times. All is changing
and not one of the old certitudes has any more value."

"And yet, I feel it, all will be like before... But you, what are your
plans for your future?"

"If I will have a future... I will go abroad with my Luc and will work
with him."

"You will work? You, an aristocrat?"

"I will work. Julien de Jambville does not exist anymore, he died in his
castle, on the night of the assault. Marc Teissier can do work, can he
not? And at Luc's side any work will be a very noble thing, believe me."

"And what if Luc was not waiting for you? Or if one day he gets tired
with you? If you, going out from here did not find him anymore?"

"And what if now an earthquake came and we died buried amongst these
walls?"

"What do you mean?"

"That all can possibly happen, but there is no answer before that, so it
is useless to think about it."

"But if you had not met your lover, you would anyway have lived, is it
not so?"

"I could possibly have been killed in my bed on the night of the castle
assault. Moreover, to reason with "if's" has no sense. The reality is
what we now have, not what could have been and neither what could one
day possibly be."

"But your reality now is that you are in danger because of your refusal.
Megot is a vindictive person, I warned you."

"Never mind!"

"But how can you be so... so... I cannot define you. You are risking to
lose your freedom, perhaps even your life, and to lose your Luc so
important to you, and you do nothing. You just wait."

"I wait."

"I ... I fight for my life. Do not smile, I fight, even at times bending
to the lust of who has the power, but doing so I bend them to my whim."

"A river fights flowing, a mountain fights standing still at its place.
Can you say that one of them fights more than the other?"

"You and your philosophy!" Alexandre exclaimed, cutting off that speech.

After a while Julien asked him, "May I ask you a courtesy?"

"Certainly."

"When you are out from here, will you look for Luc Teissier and, if you
find him, tell him about me? Just remember, Julien de Jambville does
exist no more, for anybody. I am Marc Teissier."

"I will do it willingly, my friend."

On that same evening Julien was taken by the guards in a closed coach
and moved to an underground cell in another prison.

While Julien was being taken away, Alexandre whispered to him, "May God
help you, dear friend. I will never forget you."

The new cell was narrow, dark and damp. There was no window, besides the
spyhole on the small and massive door. Julien laid down on the bare
plank bed, trying to settle somehow, and waited. At times he dozed off,
at times he was awake. No noise penetrated to the cell, no sound, no
sign of life. Were they leaving him die in there? Who knows how it would
be to die of starvation?

He recalled Luc and saw again his beautiful, luminous and warm body, his
perfect proportions, and felt a sweet warmth enveloping and permeating
him. He was not afraid. He didn't feel any emotion besides that blissful
sensation thinking of his beloved.

Time was passing, at times seeming very slow, almost still, at times
fast. Missing any external reference made it impossible for him to
assess the exact rhythm of time. He just began to feel a gradually
increasing hunger and thirst, growing little by little and starting to
torment him, and this allowed him to guess that many hours had to have
passed, perhaps days, but he could not know how many.

He was awoken from his drowsy state by a sudden clanging at the door of
his cell. The bolts were being pulled open. He remained still, his eyes
closed. He heard the door close again.

Then a voice said, "So, then, still determined to refuse?"

Julien kept still and didn't answer. However, when he felt a hand
alighting between his legs and trying to feel him, he literally sprang
from the plank bed and, opening his eyes, saw the hard face of the
other, his staring eyes lightened by a grim smile.

"Little wild boy! You are not yet tamed, but you'll see that it will be
you to beg me to use your body. You will remain here in the dark,
without food or drink, until you surrender."

"Sooner or later they will have to hold my process," Julien said in a
challenging tone.

"Wrong. I am the chief examining magistrate, and your file has
disappeared. Your trial will never happen. You don't exist anymore, you
will be forgotten here. I am the only one who can take you out from
here, but I will do that only after you ask me to take you for my
pleasure."

"You will have only my corpse."

"Oh no, you will surrender before that."

"Don't be so sure of it. You will certainly not bend me with hunger nor
with tortures."

"It is not time of tortures, this, we life in a civilized era nowadays.
But you have given me a good idea. I know a couple of fellows who, for
few coins, would be ready to break all your bones... I will ask them,
instead, to break your arse. What do you think of that?"

"You can do as you like, but you will never get a 'yes' from me. You can
bend my body, but never my will."

"You aristocrats are always filled with conceit, with pride. But you
will see, I will bend you, bend your will. If I wanted to possess just
your body, I could already have had you kept still and taken you. But I
want to tame your spirit, your will. I want you to beg, to implore me to
take you."

"Do you want to possess also my soul?" Julien asked with sarcasm.

The man smiled ominously. "Soul? Doesn't exist. But you will become my
object. You will do anything I demand of you. I'll use your body as long
as it pleases me ... then I'll throw you away."

Julien shook his head, slightly smiling. "You are really ridiculous, are
you not aware?"

The man's eyes flared up in a temper, and with a jolt he seized Julien's
arm and gave a strong backhand to his face. Then, grasping his vest and
shirt by the chest front with both hands, and slightly raising him from
the floor and shaking him, he hissed in his face with range, "I'll make
you pay also for that, little worm. After I have amused myself with you,
I will make you become the whore of all Paris prisons, I swear. I will
pardon one week of prison to any criminal for each time he throws his
rod into your arse! They will queue for it, you'll see!"

The man dropped the boy and backed up one pace, continuing to look at
him with threatening eyes, and then, with a tone again normal, added,
"If you had said to me 'yes' at once, you could now be free and
respected. You did wrong in challenging me, boy, really wrong. You will
curse your 'no' for all your life, I swear. And I will take care so that
you will live for a very long time!"

So having said, he made the guards open the door and left, taking away
the lantern, so that Julien was again in the most total darkness. The
boy sat on his plank bed. He recalled how he had been raped in his
second cell and tried to imagine what it could mean to undergo that same
treatment not just once, not just from one man, but several times each
day, from hordes of men, day after day.

"It is just a physical thing, and the body gets use to all!" he shouted
in the darkness, then added with a low voice, "But you can never reach
my soul, you can never have it. I will always and only belong to Luc, I
..."

And slow, bitter tears streamed down his cheeks.

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CONTINUES IN CHAPTER 11

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In my home page I've put some of my stories. If someone wants to read
them, the URL is

http://www.geocities.com/~andrejkoymasky/

If you want to send me feed-back, please e-mail at

andrejkoymasky@geocities.com

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