Date: Sat, 9 Jan 2010 11:51:58 -0400
From: Chris Johns <chris-johns@hotmail.com>
Subject: The Pilots 2

Nifty rules apply as always

This is the second and final part of the story. The next one in the series
is "Nathaniel and Zack's story".

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			 Johnnie and Will's Story
			  I Want to Die - by Will

It had been weeks since the Squadron had lost a pilot so I suppose I
worried less about Johnnie when he had to fly. I had seen the Spits
returning late afternoon and was eagerly awaiting the arrival of my
lover. It hardly seemed possible we had been lovers for nearly a year and
as far as we knew no one had a clue that we were anything other than very
close friends. I was nineteen now and studying accountancy. I could walk
short distances without my sticks and was getting better all the
time. Everyone knew it was down to Johnnie so the fact that I loved him was
no surprise to my parents, they just didn't know it was a sexual thing.

The pilots started to filter in and I could feel the change in atmosphere
from the last few weeks. I guessed they had lost a pilot, I wasn't worried,
Johnnie was one of the best, he wouldn't get shot down. Then I caught sight
of the sergeant that was Johnnie's wingman but he wouldn't look at me. I
knew. The tears had started to form as I reached him.

I begged him, "Tell me it isn't Johnnie, please tell me it isn't."

"I'm sorry Will, we were jumped low level. I was shot up but staggered
back. Johnnie ploughed in. His kite exploded almost as soon as it hit the
ground. I'm sure he won't have felt a thing."

I just screamed. "Noooooooo, he can't be dead, I love him so much."

It was two days before I came round. As soon as I was aware I burst into
tears again. Mum was sat by my bed. I almost screamed at her.

"Please tell me it isn't true, tell me Johnnie isn't dead. Oh God Mum,
please tell me he's alive. I love him so much, I won't live without him."

Collapse again when my Mother's look told me he was dead.

I was delirious for weeks. No fancy drugs in those days so I had to mend
myself. I did, sort of. I wouldn't walk again. I grew into myself and
remained in my wheelchair. Dad would take me down to the bar but I sat,
almost like a vegetable not talking to anyone. I am sure now that they all
realised my love for Johnnie was something unusual, but not what,
homosexuality was just not an issue in those days. It got so depressing for
all the pilots that I eventually was left in my room while the pub was
open.

Mum told me that they all asked after me every time they were in but I
wasn't interested. I wasn't interested in anything. I cried a lot, I lost
weight. I lost the will to live. My world had collapsed with Johnnie's
death.

The Squadron moved to France following the allied advance, so the pub
became very quiet. I didn't mind, I didn't want to see all those light blue
uniforms anyway. I started to sit in the bar again in the evenings just so
that Mum could keep an eye on me really. I was a bit suicidal, I just
didn't know how to do anything about killing myself.

Christmas night 1944 I got drunk and Mum and Dad found out the truth about
Johnnie and my relationship. They weren't shocked, I think they had
probably guessed but blanked it until I actually told them we were lovers.

They tried all the old psycho babble, you know, "What would Johnnie think
if he saw you like this? Don't you think he would want you to get on and
have a good life ?"etc.

I didn't listen really I just slid off into my own world remembering all
the wonderful times Johnnie had made love to me. The tenderness, the
caring, the love and devotion that flowed from him to me, the delicacy of
his touch, almost as though I was a rare piece of porcelain, everything he
did to me or for me was magical.

The war ended, the celebrations went on, seemingly forever and I fell into
an even deeper depression. The squadron had gone to France following our
troops and the change for the village was them returning. I wouldn't go
down to the bar when they were in. I didn't want to see those light blue
uniforms and be reminded of my loss.

I guess it must have been about a month after the war ended, Dad came to my
room one evening quite early.

"I'm taking you down to the bar. There's a Flight Lieutenant down there
wants a word with you."

"I'm not going, I don't want to talk to any of them. They are alive and my
Johnnie is dead, I don't want to see them."

"Well you are going to see this one and you are going to thank me
afterwards."

He didn't wait for a reply he just picked me up and took me downstairs,
dumped me in my wheelchair and said,

"Now take yourself into the bar and behave yourself or I'll spank you like
a little boy."

I was shaken to my core. Dad had never threatened me with corporal
punishment in my life. I knew my parents loved me more than anything or
anyone else in the world so I suppose it was shock that propelled me into
the bar. I recognised quite a few of the old guard as I moved further in
and then I saw him. An area cleared round him and he was grinning at me. I
just swung out of my chair and threw myself into his arms. By the time he
had grabbed me in a bear hug I was already sobbing so hard I was almost
convulsing.

He picked me up and carried me into the snug bar that was empty. I could
hear the cheers as he closed the door and then we were kissing. I was near
collapse but I held it together. I didn't dare lose consciousness in case
when I came to again it was all a dream.

He kissed me and I'm sure he didn't stop for hours, except to tell me how
much he loved me and how every day without me had been a hell on earth for
him.

He stayed the night and I don't think I slept a wink. I was so scared that
this was a dream I didn't dare let go. I was a wreck when he woke up and
cuddled me. Lunch time and I at last fell into an exhausted sleep wrapped
around Johnnie.

When I woke he was still there looking down at me. During my sleep I had
slid down the bed and I was licking his penis. When I realised and met his
eyes we both dissolved into little boy giggles, my first for fourteen
months, six days.

I walked, all be it very unsteadily down to the kitchen to join my parents
for supper, with Johnnie holding me of course. I didn't know if I would
ever be able to let him go again.

Over supper he told us how he had got out of his Spit only seconds before
it had exploded and the shock wave had blown his ear drums so that for
months he couldn't hear and had been rendered speechless as well. That was
why the Red Cross hadn't been given his name as a P.O.W. Colditz had been
boring, not hard. Thoughts of, and love for me had kept his moral up and
eventually he had regained his speech and his hearing by which time Germany
was in chaos as the allies advanced. I loved the way he confronted my
parents over his admission of his love for me. Of course he didn't know
that I had told them.

"Bert and Elsie, I'm sorry, but I love Will so much I would happily die for
him and my love for him kept me sane and wanting to get better to be with
him."

He wouldn't look at them until he heard all three of us laughing. He looked
up and with surprise written all over his face he said, "What?"

Dad looked ever so stern as he said. "We know," and then he smiled.

What great parents I had. Johnnie had two weeks leave before he had to
report back for further appointing. We hardly got out of bed. Well, not
true really. He was beastly to me.

"I'm not living with this unfit wimpy looking guy for the remainder of my
life. You are going to get fit."

Boy did he ever work me to that end. By the time he reported back to work I
was already walking well and doing lots of exercises peripheral to my
legs. I was doing sit ups and press ups until my body rebelled but God I
felt good. I hadn't felt this alive since before my accident.

Johnnie didn't tell me much about what he was doing until one day he
returned from the base waving a piece of paper.

"I have my Civil Pilot's Permit and a job with one of the new airlines
starting up. Good bye to the Royal Air Force, hello to civil life."

Our lives were caught up in a whirlwind soon after. Johnnie went to fly the
Berlin Airlift when Stalin tried to freeze the Brits and Americans out of
Berlin.

It was such an exciting time in our lives. I qualified as an accountant and
when the world returned halfway to sanity we moved to Croydon where the new
Int'l Airport was growing and Johnnie's company set up their HQ. I joined a
firm dealing with aviation companies and we bought a beautiful house in the
South Downs.

Oh, I by the way got totally fit to the point where we used to go for a run
in the mornings when Johnnie wasn't flying.

Johnnie was my life as I was his and I think our happiest day ever was when
we had our thirtieth anniversary in my parent's pub the same day they
decided to retire. They were both in their seventies but still incredibly
healthy.

As you can imagine, there were buckets of tears that night. Who would have
believed that an eighteen year old country boy and a dashing twenty year
old Spitfire pilot would end up committing their lives to one another?

We have been together for sixty three years this year and would you believe
I still love him as much as I did the first day I saw him. Not true
actually, I love him a million times more than I did then.

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