Date: Thu, 28 Apr 2016 17:39:25 +0000 (UTC)
From: JoshRJosh
Subject: A Brother's Love (2)  part 35

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A Brother's Love part 35





That night we wrestled around in bed - kissing touching, licking, biting
and giving each other head.  I rolled onto my back and pulled him on top of
me.  "Aaron, fuck me," I whispered.  I worried that after what he told me
he might not want me to fuck him.  Not because he wouldn't want me to
anymore, but because he had memories that were bothering him.

"No.  I want you to fuck me."

I looked at him.

"Josh.  Don't treat me differently, please.  That's what I'm most worried
about."

"I know, but you know I like getting fucked too."

"Yeah, I know, but not tonight."  We stared at each other.  He said, "Okay,
fuck me and then I'll fuck you."

He grabbed the lube and wet his ass.  He lay on his back and spread his
legs.  I moved over him.  I kissed his neck.  He grabbed my hair and pulled
me down onto him so that we were facing each other.  "Josh, I want you to
fuck me the way you always do."

I nodded and pressed into him but didn't move.  I smiled at him.  "Foot
long," I said.

He laughed.  "Maybe you don't get anything out of the extra
inch-and-a-half, but I sure enjoy it."

I chuckled, dug my toes into the mattress and pressed in deep.  I smiled.

He laughed.  "Is that all you've got."

I laughed.  "Long and hard."

"Long and hard and then I'm going to fuck your brains out."

I fucked him, kissing him, licking his neck and biting his ear.  He moaned,
kissed me, bit my neck and told me he loved me.  "Fuck me, Josh.  Fuck me."
When I came it was one of the leg shaking, abs tightening, body trembling
and loud grunting kind of climaxes.

He held me against him, my cock buried inside him and we kissed.  He
whispered, "I love it when you fuck me.  I love the way you fuck me.  I
love that you love to fuck me.  What happened with Lucas can't ruin that.
Please."

"I understand.  And I feel the same way."

We kissed.

I looked at him and smiled and said, "Now get your dick up my ass and get
busy."

We switched positions.  I was still hard.  He lay on top of me.  "Why did
you always sit next to me at lunch in high school?"

I chuckled.  "Now?"

"Tell me."

"Ah,"

"I know I was your friend, but you had other friends and some of them you
knew as long as you knew me and some of them you spent more time with, like
the Bolts guys."

"Why did I always sit with you?"  Silence.  "Do you understand that I have
anxiety and had a lot of anxiety in high school.  I mean," I sighed.  "I'm
losing my erection."

"It will come back.  It always does."

I chuckled.  "Cock bit."

He laughed.

I said, "So I knew I was gay."

"Did you think I was?"

"No.  Actually, I didn't.  But I think I knew if you knew I was we'd still
be friends.  No, what I mean is that I felt like if you knew, nothing would
change.  You'd still be completely comfortable with me.  And I never felt
that way with the other guys.  I felt like with them I had to keep up a
front and with you I didn't.  So I was comfortable with you.  Also, there
was all that bullshit about swimming."

"Bullshit?"

"Yeah.  I don't think anyone ever really got it.  Not even David.  I mean I
loved swimming, but I hated competing, or not so much competing.  I hated
the pressure."

I heard myself sigh loudly.  "I think I always felt like a fraud, like
someone was going to see the skinny scared kid who was gay and then no one
would want me.  I'd get thrown away.  So all the attention, you know, `Hey
how are you going to do this week.  Hey, you looked good last week, what's
next week like.  Hey, this, hey that.'  I mean I liked it, but it made me
more anxious.  `Hey you know Jenna wants to suck you dry and fuck your
brains out.  Ask her out.'  All that felt like not me.  Like," I sighed.
"It's like the big dick thing.  It's not me.  I mean it is me.  I do swim
and I can see that I'm good and I do have a big dick, but what if I fuck up
at swimming?  What if I broke a leg and could never swim again?  What if I
can't get it up?  What about me?

"I just felt like this fraud my father said I was.  I'm not smart, I test
well.  I'm not an athlete, I'm just luck.  I'm not straight, I'm gay.  I'm
not a good person, I'm really a prick and the only reason people like me is
that I swim, I test well and I have a big dick.  Take that away and I'm
worthless."

"Wow, I never thought that about you.  I mean you are smart.  You're really
smart.  Well about science and math."

We chuckled.

"I guess I knew you were hung but I thought I was too.  I did think you
were straight though, but,"

"Aaron, I worried about that with everyone except David and you."

"I understand completely, but I think you might have it wrong."

"How so?"

"Yeah, people thought you were a good swimmer and smart and straight and
hot, but that's not why they liked you or hung around you and wanted you to
be their friend.  What they said was that you were funny, you were kind,
and mostly what I remember is that people thought you were a great friend
to have.  I mean everyone wanted to be your friend.  And not because of
your dick.  Because of how you treated people."

"Well, I don't know about that, but you asked why I always sat with you.
It was because I felt safe with you.  I mean in the years I knew you, you
never embarrassed me, insulted me or hurt me.  And then there were your
parents.  I know they are parents and they can be a bit much, but to me
they were wonderful.  They made me feel loved and safe."  I felt my eyes
tear up.  "It's weird when I was scared and worried about my father finding
out I was gay before I graduated, I always thought I could go and live with
you and your parents.

"For sure."  He kissed me.  "You make me feel safe."

I chuckled.  "Even when I snap at you?"

He smiled.  "You're only scary in your own mind."

I laughed.

We held each other.

"Why turkey?"

"Thanksgiving is turkey time."

"No, why did you call me turkey.  You did that a lot."

I laughed.  I laughed hard.

He started laughing.  "What?  Tell me."

"Don't you remember?"

"No."

"I said you had skinny legs like a turkey.  We were in middle school I
think.  We were at your pool and diving in and stuff and teasing each other
and I said you had turkey legs.  And then you walked around the pool like a
turkey.  You were naked and put your hands under your arms and walked
around saying `gobble, gobble, gobble' with your butt sticking up."

He laughed.  "I remember.  God, I was such a dork.  That's why you called
me turkey?"

I nodded and smiled.  "But I wouldn't call you turkey now.  Now I'd call
you stud."

He laughed.  "Me, STUD," he said sounding like Tarzan.

We lay beside each other.  Silence.  He said, "I am a stud aren't I?"  I
started laughing hard.  "Why are you laughing."  I laughed even hard.  He
started poking and tickling me.  He was laughing.  "Why are you laughing?"
And I kept laughing.  He was pushing at me until I rolled off the bed.

I got back in bed.  He pounced on me.  "Stud going to fuck you now," he
said.

"Stud better do a good job," I said.  "Or you'll be turkey again."

He did a great job.

I turned off the lights and cuddled up against him.  I lay in bed thinking
about all that he said earlier.  I wondered if I said the right things to
him.  I wondered if he was okay.  I thought about him crying, sobbing and
looking so dejected.  Tears filled my eyes.  I thought about Lucas and felt
a heated rage come over me.  My teeth clenched.  I wanted to hurt him.

I wondered if Aaron was asleep.  It had been at least a half hour since I
turned off the lights.  Usually he's asleep in five minutes.  I moved my
arm.  He rolled onto this back and looked at me.  I said, "You're awake."

"So are you."

"You okay?"

He sighed staring at the ceiling.  "Yeah."  He glanced at me.  "What are
you thinking about?"

"Killing Lucas."

"I knew this was going to bother you."

"Aaron, how can it not.  If Lucas did this to me and I told you,"

"Yeah, I get it."  He sighed.  "I'm starting to think about book two."

I smiled.  Aaron had a trilogy that he wanted to write.  The theme of all
three books was going to be coming of age and coming out.  The three books
would have characters that popped in and out of the different books.  We
had talked about the first book.  He had me give names to the different
characters.  The main protagonist of the first book was modeled after me,
but different.  His mother was modeled after Aaron's mother.

While driving, he'd tell me about each chapter he wrote.  When he felt
stuck with a plot point, we'd talk about it.  He talked with me about
trying to find some quirky thing that he could carry through the book.  We
talked at length about that and one day I jokingly said something and he
looked at me and said, "that's, it.  That's what I needed."  He spent days
working it into the story.  I thought it was perfect.

He finished the first book.  We had talked about how to bring the next
book's protagonist into the first book.  I suggested that he be one of the
main character's new boyfriends at the end of the book.  I said, "They
start dating and you can have the reader believe that he has his own
story."  He liked that idea.

Aaron said, "I went back and figured out where to pick up this boyfriend.
Now I have to write him in.  Then I'm starting the second book.  I want to
have a better idea of the plot points with this one.  And how I'm going to
work in the third book."

"You have an idea for the third book?"

"In my head.  Yeah."

"Nice."

"You're good with names.  I need a name for the boyfriend.  I keep coming
up with `J' names, like Jacob, Justin, James.  Doesn't feel right."

"Tell me about him."

"He's the oldest of three sons.  His story actually will end when he
becomes boyfriends with the guy from the first book, so the second book
will start when he's probably about fifteen or sixteen."  He went on
talking about the character and described him.

"You want a name?"

"Yeah.  Go for it."

I thought for a while.  "I love the name Adam.  I don't know why."

Silence.  "Wow, I like that.  Adam.  Yeah, he's an Adam."

We talked about Adam and his story.  Aaron was lying on his back.  I was on
my side with my hand on his stomach.  He held my hand and played with my
fingers.  Often when we'd talked in bed, he'd take my hand and play with my
fingers.  While he talked and thought out loud, he'd run his fingers over
the length of mine, rub my fingernails and trace each finger with his.  It
was almost as though he was not aware that he was doing it.

As we talked and he played with my fingers, I got an erection.  It pressed
against his side.  He looked at me and smiled.  "You're horny?"

"Just get turned on listening to you."

He chuckled.  "This turns you on.  Talking about this."

"You do."

He chuckled.  "I get hard ons at your swim meets."

"All those near naked bodies."

"No.  It's, `that's my man and I'm going to give him head tonight'."  He
pulled me on top of him.  "We can sleep in," he said.  We kissed.  He
lifted his legs and I pressed into him.  He said in this odd voice, "You
stud."

We swam the next day.  Hunter joined us again.  He seemed to be more
relaxed around us and seemed most comfortable with Aaron.

We spent the day hitting the books and then walked to David and Tina's
apartment for dinner.  On the way, I said, "You know at some point you're
going to have to tell your parents what happened."

Silence.

I said, "Your mother knows it has to do with Lucas."

He stared at me.

I said, "That wasn't that hard to figure out.  You were going there until
she mentioned him.  She said to me, `they were close, then they weren't'.
You know they're going to ask.  Are you just going to stop going there?
What if they ask him for Christmas."

He sighed.  "It's going to cause so much shit."

"So.  Seems like it is shit well deserved.  And Aaron, it wasn't just you.
And maybe it wasn't just Devon and you.  Whatever happened to him?"

"He went to State, I think."

"Well, I'm not going to pressure you to do anything, but this isn't going
to just go away."

"I know.  I should have just gone and acted like nothing happened."

"Right.  Like you could have pulled that off.  You don't think I would have
seen that you were upset."

We had dinner with David and Tina and watched a movie.

On the way home, Aaron asked me to give him time to work out how he was
going to tell his parents.  He said that he would talk to his counselor
about it and agreed with me that at some point he would have to tell them.

I thought a lot about what he told me.  I felt very protective of him.  I
couldn't stop wondering if he was struggling emotionally and not talking to
me about it.  I asked a couple of times and he said, "I talked to my
counselor about how it might have affected me.  I think it made me more shy
and more afraid during high school."

"Of what?"

"To make friends, new friends.  I think back to one day, it was our junior
year in high school.  You were going to go for a run.  You called and asked
me to go with you.  I wanted to so badly."  His eyes filled with tears.
"But you were so much better."

"But you went our senior year.  Nothing changed."

"I know, but you knew I was gay.  So if you joked around and made fun of
me," he sighed.  "We'd both know that I was gay.  But if you didn't know
and you joked and made fun, then I would have been so scared.  So I didn't
go.  And then after I said no, I got really depressed.  I felt like those
names be called me."

I sighed loudly.  "You don't think I would have,"

"No.  No, never.  But I was just so scared of guys, you know."

"Sure.  I get it.  Did it scare you when I said I was gay?"

He chuckled.  "No.  I went right into, OMG I want him so badly."

I laughed.

He had been talking to his mother about not coming for Thanksgiving.  At
one point they got into a heated argument.  The next day when I was alone I
called her.  "Mrs. Hill, you have to give him space."

"You know what this is about?"

"I do.  It not for me to say anything, but he's seeing a counselor and
trying to work out how and when to tell you and Mr. Hill.  I'll tell you
this.  He's doing okay.  But I agree with him that it's best for him not to
come for Thanksgiving.  I think if you push him, he'll just fight you and
then close down.  Nothing good will come of you making demands on him."

"He's angry at me."

"He's confused as to what's best.  Just give him time.  I think maybe you
shouldn't invite anyone over for Christmas if you want us there."

"Thank you, Josh."

We had a turkey, a sweet potato casserole with marshmallows on top and
veggies.  We bought a pecan pie and made a pumpkin pie.  Everything was
wonderful.  The next day we drove to my grandparents' home.  Sarah and
Bryan arrive just after we did.  Aaron and I were staying with my
grandparents and my sister and Bryan were staying in a motel.

We had left over's and pies for dinner.  Everything was great.  The more I
got to know Bryan the more I liked him.  What I noticed and appreciated was
that he was kind of Sarah and to Aaron.  And he was always very polite to
my grandparents.

After dinner, we all helped my grandmother clean up the kitchen.  Bryan
said to me, "How about we walk off some of this food?"

My grandmother said, "Yeah, you two get out of here.  My kitchen is too
small for all of you."

Clearly, I thought, this was about talking to me about something.  We
walked for a few minutes.  I said, "What's up?"

He said, "I've heard everything that's gone on but from Sarah's
perspective.  So, I'm sure you've experienced it differently.  We all do
that."

"Bryan.  None of that matters anymore."

"Let me say this.  Sarah can't stop feeling like she has done irreparable
damage to your relationship with her."

"First I understand why she feels that way.  Second, it's not true.  I need
to do a better job of being a good brother.  I know I'm fucked up that way.
I get hurt or angry and then I just back off and then I'm okay, but I stay
distant.  I know I do that.  But it's because I don't know how to
reconnect.  David is so much better at that than I am."

"Well, maybe it's genetic because she has that trouble too.  She is so
scared that you'll push her away."

I sighed.

"I know I shouldn't talk about your parents to you."

"It's okay.  You're not going to say anything that I haven't said or
thought."

"They really fucked with her.  More your mom than your dad but him too."

"Mom?  Really?"

"Your mother used her as a confidant.  And your mother made sure your
sister didn't have a relationship with you and David.  Your mother wanted
her to be her best friend."

I felt surprised and sad.  "I didn't know that.  I mean I can see it now,
but I thought Sarah was into all that shit they were into.  I mean until
she went to college."

"Right now she feels like she has no one.  She's furious at your dad.  We
didn't go there for Thanksgiving.  She came to my house because he wouldn't
let me go there."

"Asshole," I said shaking my head.

"And she doesn't want to get all caught up with your mother again."

"You must think I'm a jerk."

He chuckled.  "Actually, just the opposite.  I wish you two could get
closer so that I could get to know you and Aaron and David and Tina better.
I don't have brothers or sisters and it would be kind of cool if we could
hang out.  I really like Aaron and so does Sarah."

"You and Sarah are pretty serious?"

"It feels serious.  We love each other."

We went back to the house.  When they were leaving for the night, they said
good night to my grandparents.  Aaron and I walked Bryan and Sarah out to
their car.  I said, "We're heading back tomorrow.  Finals are coming fast
and furious.  How about we try to get together over Christmas holidays?
Aaron and I are spending part of them at his parents' house.  Why don't we
come to you and we can hang out, maybe do something fun."

Bryan said, "That would be great.  I'd love that."

Sarah smiled and said, "I'd love that too."

I walked up to her and hugged her.  I said, "Sarah, the past is all in the
past.  We both were kids and we both did things to survive."

"Thank you," she said.  When she stepped back, tears were in her eyes.

I pulled her back into my arms and said, "I'm sorry and I do love you."

"No more saying sorry.  It's all in the past.  And I love you."

Aaron said, "Okay.  Okay, let me get my hugs in."

I hugged Bryan and said, "Good talk."

"Thank you."

We got ourselves ready for finals.  Studying, study group meeting, lab
reports and papers.  Our plan for Christmas break was to spend the week
before Christmas and Christmas Eve with the Hills and then head to my
grandparents' house where we'd meet up with David and Tina.

Before finals, I talked to Mrs. Hill.  I said, "He's going to talk to you
and Mr. Hill.  He's very nervous."

"Why?"

"Well, he's worried that you'll get upset, which I told him to expect, but
more than that he's worried about all the why questions you'll ask.  He
doesn't have answers.  He's still asking himself why questions.  He told
you he's seeing a counselor.  I think he's wanting Aaron to deal with what
happened first before worrying about the why questions.  Maybe after he
talks to you he can move on to why stuff."

"This has to do with Lucas?"

"Please.  I promised."

"Okay.  When are his finals over?"

I gave her the date of his last final.  "We're going to hang around here
for a while.  You know to kind of unwind."

Finals were intense -upper division classes for both of us.  I could feel
the tension in the room before each final.  What's on the test?  Did I
study the right stuff?  Will I remember all this fucking shit?  Does any of
this matter?

My last day was the day before Aaron's last exam.  I left him alone, went
for a run, did some grocery shopping and cooked us a nice dinner.  He ate
with his head buried in a book.  I felt bad going to sleep while he stayed
awake studying, but I had to crash.  When I got up he was gone.

I cleaned the apartment, put up several washes - the sheets and his and my
clothes.  When he got back to the apartment, I said, "Are you hungry?"

"Yeah, but I don't want anything right now."

"Tired?"

"I guess, but happy to be done.  What I could use is a shower."

"Company?"

"I'd love it."

As soon as we were in the shower, we were at each other.  We hadn't made
love in two days and we were both very happy to be done with finals and
very horny.  We gave each other head and came while still in the shower.
We dried off, went to the kitchen naked and made sandwiches.  Standing in
the kitchen we ate our sandwiches and drank milk.  "Now the hard part," he
said.  I stared at him.  "Going home to my parents."

"That too will be over soon."

"I guess."

"Let's make the bed.  You can take a nap.  I'll get the laundry done."

While he napped, I finished cleaning the apartment and finishing with the
laundry.  While I did that, his phone rang several times.  Each time I
checked it to see who it was, but it was from a number I did not recognize.
The person called several times and never left a message.

I heard him call out.  "Come to bed and fuck me."

I smiled.  "Get your ass out here.  I'll fuck you later."

He stood in the doorway stroking his dick.  I laughed.  "Help me with the
rest of the clothes.  Most of this shit is yours."

"I gotta pee."

He came back in boxers and a tee shirt.  I said, "You got like three calls
from the same number.  No messages."

He looked at his phone.  "Don't know the number."  He put the phone down.
He came over to me and put his arms around me.  "Wouldn't you rather fuck
me?"

"Actually, yes, but this has to get done.  We're going to dinner with David
and Tina and Matt and Phil are joining us."

"Oh cool.  God, I haven't talked to them in ages."

His phone rang.  He looked at it.  "Same fucking number."

"Answer it or they'll just keep calling."


		* * * * *


"Hello," I said, ready to tell whomever this was to stop calling.

"Aaron?"

I felt my stomach twist into a knot.  "Yeah.  Who is this?"

"It's Lucas.  You're cousin."

"Lucas," I said, looking at Josh.  I broke out into a cold sweat.  Josh
just stared.

"Yeah.  Look, please hear me out.  Don't hang up."

I sat.  Josh sat staring at me.  I moved on the sofa and signaled him over.

"Okay."

Josh sat next to me.  I put it on speakerphone.

"I was hoping to see you at Thanksgiving but I understand why you stayed
away.  Actually, I shouldn't have gone until I talked to you."

"How did you get my number?"

"Your mother.  She called me and wanted to know what happened between us.
I told her that I wanted to talk to you first.  I can tell her, but my
guess is that you should."

"Probably best," I said.  My heart was pounding in my chest.

I looked at Josh.  He looked angry.

"I did some terrible things to you."

"And said some terrible things."

"Yes.  Did and said.  Aaron," he sighed.  "I know there is no way to make
any of this up to you.  I was really fucked up in the head.  I was angry.
I took it out on you.  I," he hesitated.  "I'm not making excuses.  There
are none.  Nothing justifies what I did.  But let me explain.  Again,
please this isn't an excuse."

"Okay."

"It was being done to me.  It started when I was thirteen and went on
through high school.  I was so fucked up in the head.  You were my little
cousin.  Fuck.  I took complete advantage of you.  I was pretty sure you
were gay.  You looked up to me and I took complete advantage of you and
then," he hesitated again.  "I think I just didn't want to be the only one.
I don't know.

"Aaron, just know this.  I know I fucked up bad.  You did nothing to make
it happen.  Please know that I never meant it to start but once it did, it
was like I couldn't stop it.  You were this innocent little kid and I took
complete advantage of you"

I felt tears sitting on my eyelids.  Not for him, but for that innocent
little kid.

"Aaron, I've wanted to talk to you for a while.  I should have reached out
to you before I agreed to go to Thanksgiving dinner."

I said, "You know, you hurt me physically, but more than that you fucked
with my head and my heart.  I felt crazy while it was happening and then
scared after.  When I heard you were going to be at dinner, it all came
back."

"You should talk to someone.  A therapist.  I have been.  It's helping.  I
know that there is nothing I can say to make it better.  But I do want you
to know that I'm sorry, really sorry."

"Can I ask you something?"

"Anything.  I'll do anything that you need, answer any question."

I sighed.  Josh looked at me.  He didn't seem so angry.

"First, I want to say that I'm glad you're not making excuses or blaming
me."

"No, Aaron, no excuses and I promise in no way are you to blame.  I swear
on my unborn child's life."

I sighed.  "You said it happened to you.  It started about the same age."

"I was almost thirteen.  I had just hit puberty, so I was a little older, I
guess."

"It went on through high school for you?"

"Yes.  Until I left."

"Did you like the sex?"

"No.  It always felt wrong to me.  It scared me a lot.  And I'd always feel
rotten after - angry, sad, I'd swear to myself I'd never let him do stuff
to me again.  But then I was back and he'd be giving me head and then
fucking me."

"Why did you go back?  Did you want to keep doing it?"

"Do you remember Mr. Bellington?"

"No."

"He lived around the block from me and his house was backed up against
ours.  He had two daughters.  One was in my class.  They had a pool and he
was the one who taught me to swim, to catch a baseball and a football.  I
mean I knew him since before I could remember.  He took me to college
football games when I was middle school.

"He start doing stuff to me.  Little by little, over the years, touching
and poking.  Then when I was thirteen, we went from touching to fucking.
It went on for five years.  At the beginning I went back because I was
scared and confused and I wanted him to like me.  But at the end, during my
junior and senior year, it was like, I didn't care anymore, I thought I
could handle it and he gave me money.  Whenever I needed money, I'd go
over.  I was fucking selling myself to him."

I felt my stomach churn.  "Before the money.  I mean I'm asking because I
hated it and I kept coming over whenever you'd tell me to."

"That's the worst part for me too.  I think I was so wanting the attention
he gave me.  I mean he was like a Dad to me and I didn't have one to do
stuff with.  He came to my little league games.  In high school, he came to
all my track meets and my football games and he'd take me to see State play
football.  And if I said no, then he'd just ask someone else and that was
the worst."

"That's what you did to me."

"I know.  Fuck, you must hate me so much because I hate him and I did to
you what he did to me.  Aaron, I don't blame you for hating me.  And I
really fucked up by not calling you before I accepted the invitation.  I
guess I hoped you'd be there and then I'd ask to talk to you alone and
apologize in person.  When you didn't come, I realized that you hated me as
much as I hate him."

I sighed.  "I don't know that I hate you.  Lucas, I looked up to you and
you took advantage of that and that scared me.  No one I ever looked up to
ever did that.  You were the first.  It shook me."

"I hope I'm the last.  Your Mom says you have a lover who is wonderful and
treats you with respect."

Tears filled my eyes.  My voice cracked as I said, "Yes, he does and yes he
is."

"Aaron, I will do anything to help you heal.  I feel worse about what I did
to you than what Bellington did to me."

"You're in therapy?"

"Yes."  Silence.  "In the Marines.  Do you want to hear any of this?"

"Yeah, sure."

"In the Marines, I drank a lot, had sex with men and women.  A lot of sex.
I even did one of those amateur gay porn movies with two other guys.  It's
weird.  By day I was under the complete control of the Marines, but when I
wasn't, I was all over the place.  Got into fights.  Almost got thrown out
a couple to times.

"When I got out, I had no idea what I'd do.  Anyway, I thought I'd go to
college but I went into this terrible depression.  I mean really bad.  My
mom got married and moved.  I just thought I'd kill myself.  But a friend
told me to go into therapy and if that didn't help then I could kill
myself."  He chuckled.  "Anyway, it's helping.  Once I started talking
about what happened and then what I did to you, I at least could think
about having a future."

"My mom said you're married."

"Yeah.  I married the friend who told me to see a therapist.  She's a good
person.  She knows all about this stuff.  She knew before we married.
Actually, she got pregnant.  Well, we were talking marriage before, but
decided to get married.  I want to be a better father than my dad was to
me."

"That won't be hard," I said.

He chuckled.

I said, "I didn't mean that in a bad way."

"That's okay.  But you're right.  I won't accept any invitations without
talking to you first.  You shouldn't avoid your family because of me."

"Thank you.  Maybe after a while, maybe we can meet up and talk."

"Anytime, anyplace.  And call me if you want to ask questions, if you want
to curse me out, vent, or anything."

"Thank you, Lucas.  This helped.  And knowing what happened to you helped
too."

"How so?  And I mean it, it isn't an excuse."

"No.  I hear you.  It just helps me understand.  I mean I looked up to you.
I trusted you.  I even had a crush on you and I thought you liked me and
loved me."

"I did.  You were the best kid. So shy and innocent.  That's the worst of
all of this.  That I fucked with your head and heart."

"Well, now I understand more.  I thought I made it happen.  I thought I was
somehow responsible.  But I think I get it now.  I mean it doesn't feel
crazy to me.  Like it just came from nowhere.  And the only somewhere I
could figure out was that I made it happen.  All I could think about was
that day in the pool when we sat on the steps and you made your dick move
up and down.  You asked me if I liked looking at it and I said yes.  I've
thought about that a thousand times and wished I had never looked.  Maybe
if I hadn't it would have never happened."

"Not true.  It would have happened but in a different way, but I promise it
would have happened.  It was my acting out my anger at him.  I just wanted
to make someone else feel like me and that was fucked up."

"Okay.  I've got your number.  And Lucas, I don't hate you.  I hope someday
we can be friends, because I also remember how kind you were to me before
that.  But it's going to take a while."

"Aaron, thank you.  Clearly you're still that kind and caring kid.  Well
not a kid, but you know what I mean."

"Thank you."

"Bye."

I hung up.

I looked at Josh.  He stared at me.  I said, "I do feel a little better.
What did you think?"

"Well, I don't want to run over and be his friend, but I guess I can see
it.  I mean."  He sighed.

"Just say what you think."

"What he did and said is still fucked up.  But he was a kid in a way and, I
mean he didn't blame you or make excuses or try to wiggle out of it.  It
took balls to call.  But he's right, he should have called you before
Thanksgiving."

I nodded.  "I don't want to run over to be his friend either, but I guess
he's a real mess over this."

"He should be," Josh said.  Silence.  "But he did take responsibility and I
guess he was taken advantage of."

"I think it helped to hear him say that it wasn't because I looked at his
cock and that he didn't like the sex but kept going back because he wanted
to be liked and get attention."

"How so?"

"Well, it wasn't because I did something wrong and that he went back too."
I sighed loudly.  "That's what I remember and why I was so confused.  I
guess he was calling me those names because that's how he felt, pathetic
and ugly."

"And then he was doing it for money," Josh said.

"Wow," I said.  "That' sad.  He must have really felt like shit."

"Yeah, well, I'm not ready to feel sorry for him."

I smiled.

"What?"

"Would you go and beat him up for me?"

"Call and get his address."

"He was a Marine."

"So, I'll get my ass kicked, but I'll do some damage."

I laughed.  "How about you just fuck me.  Come on we have time."

"God, you're demanded."  We stood up and went to the bedroom.  "Fuck me.
Blow me, Get it up so I can suck you.  Shower with me.  Wash the sheets.
Fold my clothes.  Eat my ass."

I laughed.  "For sure, eat my ass."

He laughed.  "I wonder if we can find the video he made."

"Maybe I should tell him that he has to get us a copy and that is a
condition of me putting this aside."


		* * * * *


Aaron and I walked to David and Tina's apartment.  On the way, I said, "How
are you feeling about the call?"

"I guess a lot of different things.  You have to understand that before
what happened, I really liked Lucas and he was always nice to me.  I mean
he was fun and I liked hanging around with him.  That's part of why it hurt
so much.  The way he turned on me, wanted to hurt me and the things he
said.  The scary part was that I always thought I did something to make it
happen and that it could happen again from someone else."

"Me?"

He leaned into me.  "Never with you.  Isn't that weird.  For example, Sean.
You were friends with him.  I became friendly with him.  But I never really
trusted him.  When that whole thing happened about me being gay, he was
great about it, but I kept waiting for him to turn on me.  I kept waiting
for him to say, suck my dick or I'll do this or do that.  It was like I
could never really trust anyone."

"Trust how?"

Aaron looked at me.  "I worried that they'd be friendly, get me to like
them and trust them and then turn on me, blackmail me and humiliate me."

"Like Lucas."

"Like Lucas," he repeated.

Silence.

I said, "Do you think that still happens?"

He sighed and nodded.  "I'm talking about that in therapy.  When I first
meet someone," he hesitated, "I feel this deep anxiety.  I worry that
they'll figure I'm gay and that they'll take a look or smile or something I
say as me being seductive and then they'll use that.  So, I get all shy and
scared and nervous."

I glanced at him.  "I'm sorry this happened to you."

"I know."

I said, "So what about your parents?"

"Well, I guess I'm going to tell them, but not everything."  I glanced at
him.  He sighed.  "I want them to know he molested me.  That's the word I'm
going to use.  I'm not going to go into details.  I'm not going to say
rape."  He looked at me.  "I mean I know it was, but it won't do any good
to put that on them.  And I'm going to leave out what he said.  I'll tell
them how old I was and how it went on for a while, but they don't need the
details.  I don't want to give them the details and I don't want to answer
a lot of why questions."

"Why questions?"

"Why didn't you tell us?  Why did you go back?  Stuff like that."

"Yeah, I get that."

"If you ever want to tell David and Tina about what happened, you know you
could.  They love you like family."

"I know that, but I'd rather not.  At least not right now.  I'm glad you
know.  Really glad.  It was a terrible secret, a painful secret and I
worried so much how'd you'd treat me if you knew."  He sighed.  "You're my
best friend and I wanted to share it with you, but."

I smiled.

He said, "You know Josh, I get what you said."

"What?"

"I love your body.  I love waking up before you and staring at your naked
body, touching you while you're asleep.  I love your eyes, nose, mouth,
your whole face.  You're beautiful."

"Okay, okay."

"Shut up and let me say this.  I love your big cock.  I love that you are
smart."  He smiled.  "We are smart in different ways and I love that.  I
love that you swim and compete and that you're athletic."

"Is this going somewhere?"

"I love all that.  But Josh, I swear, more than that I love you being you.
Don't ever think that how I feel is not about you and the way you are.  You
know David has talked to me about this."

"About what?"

"That you don't get it.  He thinks you won't ever get it."

"It?"

"That you're not the asshole fuck up that your father made you believe you
were.  I tell my therapist how you treat me and things you said when I told
you and he says that you are clearly a man who can be sensitive to another
person's needs, struggle, pain.  I get that.  David gets that.  You don't."

I shook my head.

"See you're shaking your head."

"I just keep thinking about all the stupid stuff I've done and said."

"Well, you're not perfect.  No one is saying that.  What's that saying,
`Don't let the perfect be the enemy of the good'."

I nodded.  "Well, I feel the same about you."  Silence.  "Except about the
cock thing, because yours isn't big."

He laughed.  "See you just brushed aside what I was saying."

I nervously laughed.

We knocked on David's door.  Tina opened it.  I hugged and kissed her and
walked in.  Aaron followed.  She hugged him, stepped back and said, "Oh my.
Aaron has that freshly fucked look about him."

"No way," he said to her.  To me he said, "How does she know?"

I said, "It's the way you walk."

"No way.  I just walked in.  She didn't see me walk."

David laughed.  He said, "It's your glow and the twinkle in your eyes."

I said, "There you go, twinkle bell."

Aaron said, "It's not twinkle bell, her name was Tinker Bell.  She's the
fairy in Peter Pan.  Written by Scottish novelist J. M. Barrie.  It was
actually first a play called `The Boy Who Couldn't Grow Up'.  First
premiered in 1904 in London.  In 1911, he put it into novel form and called
it, `Peter and Wendy'.  Tinker Bell is one jealous little fairy but
completely loyal to Peter."

"Yeah, well, in your case," I said, "its Twinkle Bell."

"You calling me a fairy," he said smiling

"If the pixy dust fits,"

He said, "I hate you."

We all laughed.

He looked at David and said, "You know why he's doing this?"

"No," David said.

"Because I just told him that he's a great guy and that you and I love him
because he is who he is and because he's smart, swims and has a big dick.
So, now he's going to be a jerk."

David smiled, looked at Tina and then me and said, "Don't you just hate it
when they have you pegged."

Tina smiled and kissed David.  Then she said, "Matt and Phil can't make it
tonight.  So, David and I are taking you two out to dinner.  Our treat."

"Cool," I said.  "Pizza or tacos."

"Thai," David said. " And we have reservations in one hour."  David poured
wine and handed each of us a glass.  Tina brought out cheese and crackers.

"Damn," I said.  "They're stepping it up.  I hope you don't think we're
going to do this when you guys come over."

David looked at Aaron and said, "He's going to have to do asshole for a
while, isn't he?"

They laughed.

I said, "I hate all of you."

Tina said, "So, I've been meaning to ask you.  Just how big is that dick or
yours."

"Oh God," I moaned.

Aaron put his hands in front of him and pulled them apart, estimating the
distance between them to be nine inches.

David said, "Nine inches," and sipped his wine.

Tina said, "So do I ever get a peak?"

I felt my face warming.  David and Aaron chuckled and stared at me.  David
said, "He's blushing."

I said, "Just look at David's and add a couple of inches."

David said, "Hey.  Inch and a half.  Don't short change me."

Aaron laughed.  "David and I are the same size, but I'm thicker."

I glanced at Aaron and then at David.  Tina noticed and said, "David told
me that the three of you jerked off together."  She shook her head.  "I
would have loved to have watched that.  David puts on a shows for me.
Maybe the two of you will join him sometime."

Aaron laughed and said, "Sure, I'd be up for that."

David leaned over and kissed her on the cheek.  He said, "She's a little
kinky."

I sat back surprised at first but then not surprised.  I figured for David
to be happy, Tina would have to be a bit on the kinky side.

Tina looked at me and said, "David and I have no secrets."  She looked at
him and said, "Right?"

"Right," he said.  Then he looked at me and nodded.

I felt my face burning hot.  I noticed Aaron glance at me.  I sipped my
wine.




For those or you who are still hanging in there.  Thank you for reading
along.


JoshRJosh.