Date: Tue, 17 May 2016 19:42:37 +0000 (UTC)
From: JoshRJosh
Subject: A Brother's Love part 37

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A Brother's Love part 37


We waited for my parents to go to bed and then we went down to the Jacuzzi.
It was a cold night, but it felt good to sit out and soak in the hot water
and feel the air on my face.  I moved closer to Josh.  He glanced at me as
I put my hand on his junk.  "Not here," he whispered.

"Will you fuck me tonight?"

"No.  You make too much noise."

"No I don't."

He laughed.  "You're a fucking noisy Cathy."

I stared at him.  "What the fuck is a noisy Cathy?"

"You know.  That doll that makes all that noise."

"Never heard of it."

"Yeah, well, that's you.  A moaning Martha.  A grunting Greta."

"You mean a chatty Cathy."  I laughed.  "Noisy Cathy."

He grabbed my balls.  I laughed.  "Whatever it's called, that's you."

"You make noise when I fuck you."

"One, I don't make as much noise.  Two, you're not fucking me tonight
either."

"My parents know we fuck."

"Aaron.  You're not getting fucked until we get back to school.  Deal with
it."

I knew he wouldn't, but I was enjoying the banter.  "You know, I make more
noise because you're bigger."  He had figure out that he was 16.6% bigger
than me.  It was a fact that he stated with a smile.  I said, "I bet I
don't make 16% more noise than you do."

"16.6%.  Don't forget the .6%.  And yes you do."

I laughed.

When Josh and I have sex, make love or mess around, mostly what we do is
start off with giving each other head and then one of us gets fucked by the
other.  I would say that more than half the time it's me who gets fucked,
much to my glee.  But many times we give each other head and swallow, and
on a few occasions we masturbate each other to orgasm.  Whatever we do, I
love it.

I said, "Since we've been with each other, how many times would you say one
of us has fucked the other."

He glanced at me and said, "Ah, estimating," he said staring up at the sky,
"about 810 times give or take 20.  Why?

I stared at him.  "You're making that up.  You just pulled that number out
of your ass, right?"

"No.  I said estimating."

"Yeah, but like you just come up with 810.  How?"

"Simple math.  You know the kind we had in third grade."

I laughed.  "Ass bit.  How do you figure?"

"We became a couple on March 23rd."

"Okay."

"That means one year and nine months ago, approximately."  I nodded.
"That's twenty-one months ago.  Right?  Twelve plus nine."

"Yeah, I got that."

"Well, there are 4.3 weeks in a month.  You divide 52 by 12 and you get
4.3."  I rolled my eyes and shook my head.  He said, "So, I'd say mostly we
fuck four times on weekdays, usually I fuck you and you jerk off, and if we
say that on weekends we fuck at least five times, maybe more."

"No we don't."

"Well, you know on weekends, I fuck you then you fuck me, so that's two,
right? And I'd say we hook up usually three times on weekends, sometimes
four.  But say we fuck six times on weekends.  I fuck you three times and
you fuck me three times."

"Yeah, we do fuck more on weekends, don't we?"

"So, I just figured nine times a week.  So, 4.3 times 21 times 9 and I
guestimated at 810."

"But you did it like in two seconds."

He stared at me.  "4.3 times 21 is," he said staring at me.

"You're kidding."  He stared.  "Fuck, I don't know.  Ah,"

"What's 3 times 21?"

I had to think.  "63."

"Drop the three since there's a decimal there.  So you have a six.  What's
4 times 21?"

"Ah, God I hate you.  Ah, 84."

"Now add the six and you have 90.  And 90 times 9 is 810."

I laughed.  "I hate you, really."

"Aaron, I do this shit all the time.  So, what's your point?  We fucked 810
times."

I stared at him and then laughed.  "I forgot."

He stood up.  He had an erection.  I've seen it hundreds of times, mostly
when he's lying down or over me, but seeing his stand out from his body
from the side always surprises me.  And, I know better than to say anything
about it.  "I'm cooked.  Let's go in," he said stepping out.  He pressed
his cock against his stomach and then wrapped a towel around himself.
Since I started getting an erection, I did the same.

When we got to the room, I said, "I remember what I was going to say."

"What?" he said, dropping his towel.  He sat on my bed.  "You know we never
do stuff other than give head and screw."

He leaned back on his elbows.  His erection sat across his left leg.  "What
kind of stuff?  Are you getting kinky again?"

I smiled and sat beside him.  "Well, since we're not going to fuck, I
thought we could do stuff like," I hesitated.

"Yeah, like what?"

"Like you could put on a show for me while I sit back nad jerk off."

He chuckled.  "Why am I putting on the show?"

"Because it's my idea.  I'll put on a show for you tomorrow night."

"A show.  What kind of show?"

"You know, jerking off, butt hole, maybe finger yourself," I said and
chuckled.  "Different positions.  You know."  As I talked I could feel that
I was blushing.

"Where do you want me to come?"

"Where ever you want?"

"On you?  On your face?  I haven't come on your face in forever."

I wasn't sure why, but my cock got rock hard.  "Yeah, sure, that would be
hot."

He stood up.  "And you're going to put on a show for me tomorrow night?"

"Definitely."

My face was burning hot and I wasn't sure why.  "You know how you stretch
out."

"For swimming?"

"Yeah.  Start with that."

He smiled and shook his head.  "Okay."

He stood before me, his dick hard and stretched his upper body, bending
side to side.  He put his hands on his hips and bent backward and then
rotated while keeping his hips steady.  He turned with his back toward me,
spread his legs a bit and then bent forward, grabbing his ankles and
bringing his head down so that it almost touched his legs.  We made eye
contact from between his legs.

His ass cheeks were spread and his balls were hanging.  He looked
beautiful.

He faced me, grabbed one ankle and pulled it behind him.  He did the other
leg.

He sat on the floor, spread his legs wide and then bent his head toward one
foot and then the other.

I sat and watched and played with my hard cock.  He sat on the floor in
front of me and began masturbating.  He stood up and moved toward me.  He
straddled my leg and moved so that his scrotum brushed along my leg.  He
rubbed my nipple with the head of his cock and kept masturbating.

I had to slow my stroke.  I was so turned on and getting close too quickly.
He moved and pressed his cock head against my lips.  I opened my mouth and
he pulled away "No sucking," he said.  "Stick out your tongue."

I did.

He moved his cock over my tongue and across my lips as he stroked.  Then he
pressed my cock against my nose, my forehead, cheeks and chin.

He stepped back and stood before me masturbating.

I watched as he pressed his finger along the underside of his cock and
pushed out his pre cum.  He put it between his fingers and then pulled them
apart.  A strand of cum hung from finger to finger.  He licked his fingers.
He then squeezed out more.  The drop sat on his cock.  He leaned forward,
arching his back and licked his cock clean.

"Damn, Josh."

He smiled.

I had to stop stoking.

He lay on the floor, threw his legs over his head and his feet onto my bed.
I moved and stared down between his legs.  I watched as he moved his cock
over his tongue and then closed his lips around his cock.  I touched my
cock but couldn't stroke or I'd come.

I watched as he held his cock and moved, thrusting his hips so that his
cock moved over his lips.  He looked up at me, smiled and lay flat on the
floor.  "You like that don't you," he said.

"I don't know why, but it really is hot."

He stood while stroking his cock and moved toward me.  I said, "Wait."

I jumped up and got a pair of swim goggles I had.  "What are those for?"

"I want to watch you come and I don't want to get it in my eyes."

He laughed.  I put them on.  "You are too weird."

I sat back on my bed and leaned against the wall.  I smiled as he straddled
my legs.  "Open your mouth," he said smiling.  "I want a target."

I chuckled.  He grabbed a handful of my hair.  He was stroking.  I was
stroking.

He moaned.  I felt a shot of cum hit my nose and my forehead.  Then shot
after shot of cum splashed against my face.  A lot bit my lips, nose and
cheeks, but only one shot went into my mouth.

Gripping my hair he pulled my head back and looked down at me.  He smiled,
pulled the goggles off of me, ran his cock over my face, moving cum into my
mouth.  I was stroking as he did and hit my climax.  I moaned as I licked
his cock clean and began shooting my laod.

He lay on me.  I put my arms around him.  His back was wet with cum.

We held each other.

I said, "That was fun."

"You're going kicky on me, aren't you?"

"I'll be as kicky as you want."

He laughed.

Again he fell asleep before I did.

Before he fell asleep I thought of telling him how much he means to me, how
I keep falling in love with him over and over.  I didn't know that was
possible.  I guess I always thought you had to fall out of love with
someone to fall back in love with them.  I do love him.  I am in love with
him.  And there are times when I feel like I am falling in love with him
again.  I guess that doesn't make sense.

He doesn't like me to be `effusive' as he would say.  He gets uncomfortable
with verbal expressions of love.  However, he is very affectionate, loves
physical contact in bed, out of bed, while dressed or naked.  When we sit
beside each other on the sofa, he'll lean into me.  When we cook or clean
up, he'll walk by me and touch me.  Anytime I want I can put my hand on his
junk, if we are alone.  He doesn't flinch or recoil.  When he comes home
from class, or back from an away swim meet, or anytime we are apart he'll,
without second thought, kiss me.  It seems odd to me in that his parents
were just the opposite.

If I standing at the sink, rinsing dishes or glasses, he'll stand behind
me, while talking to me, reach around and slip his hands down my pants and
grab onto my junk.  He says he loves the feel of my cock when it's soft.
He cups his hand around my cock and balls and kisses my neck and then he's
off doing whatever.

I'm more comfortable saying I love you or I want you.  At first it was hard
for me to just touch him whenever the thought occurred to me.  I asked
permission to sit beside him in the mornings and watch him sleep.  "Can I
pull back the covers," I said.

He smiled.  "You can do whatever you want."

I've learned to be more physically spontaneous with him.  Now, while were
sitting at the table studying or working at our computers, I'll reach over
and press my hand into his junk.  One time he surprised me.  We were both
in sweatpants.  I pressed my hand into his junk while he was writing one of
his many chemistry lab reports.  He was going at it on his calculator.  He
pulled the drawstring and pulled his sweatpants from his waist.  I glanced
at him and put my hand in his pants.  I held is cock and balls.  He kept
working at his calculator and I was instantly hard.  Then he just pulled
his sweats to his knees and went on working.

Joshe still has trouble with verbalizations of love and desire.  If he's
sitting on my cock, bouncing up and down and stroking his cock and I'm
running my hands over his abs and chest and I say, "Fuck you are so hot.  I
love your abs, your pecs."  He'll say, "Yeah, yeah, yeah."  The only time
he's comfortable with I love you, is when we are having sex, especially
just after.  We'll kiss, and hold each other and whisper, "I love you," to
each other.

So, we cuddled.  I wanted to tell him that I had just fallen in love with
him again, but I didn't.  I knew what he'd say.  `So does that mean you
fell out of love with me?  When did you fall out of love with me?  How can
you be in love with me and fall back in love with me?'  I knew I had not
fallen out of love with him, so I didn't know how I could fall back in
love.  Maybe I just fell deeper in love.  I wondered if there was a book
that could explain all this.  There must be.  Falling in love for dummies.


		* * * * *


Aaron and I actually had a pretty good time at his parents' house over the
Christmas holidays.  We hung lights, bought and decorated a tree, made
cookies and had a nice Christmas Eve dinner.  Mrs. Hill pulled me aside on
several occasions to talk about how I thought Aaron was doing.  I told her
how I thought it affected him Ð he withdrew during high school and
suffered anxieties about being humiliated by the other guys with whom we
hung out.  I told her that I thought he still tended to hang back and
doubted himself but that I pretty much kept on him.  And, now that I knew
what that was about, I was going to make sure he stepped out of his comfort
zone more often.

She cried.  Actually, sobbed.  I put my arm around her and told her he was
in counseling and that between his counselor and me, he'd move beyond what
had happened.

She told me that she remembered the night that I flew back from UX and
Aaron and Sean picked me up.  "Mr. Hill and I sat staring at each other
when Aaron came in and said he was going running with you.  I knew he had
turned down other invitations to run with you and David."  She looked at
me.  "He trusts you."  More tears.

"I know he does and I'd never do anything to jeopardize that trust."

"He doesn't know we're talking."  Aaron and his dad had gone out to buy his
mother and to buy me a Christmas gift.  So, Mrs. Hill and I were left at
home baking.  "If he asks specifically what we talked about tell him, but
if you can skirt around it."

"We've been talking about a lot of stuff, I don't have to tell him
everything.  So, I noticed you planted new shrubs in the backyard."

She looked at me puzzled and then smiled.  "Yes, we decided we wanted
something that flowered."

We did spend a day with Sarah and Bryan.  We had a lot of fun.  Bryan is
into rock climbing.  They brought us to their rock climbing gym.  Aaron was
hesitant and said he'd sit back and watch us.  I could see his anxiety.
"Aaron, you've got the core strength to do this.  I'm not going to be any
better at this than you."  After he made it up the first wall, he was
really into it.

We had cooked a nice dinner and sat around their table and talked.  While
Sarah and I stacked the dishwasher I said, "I'm glad we are doing this."

"Me, too."

"And, I have to say that I really like Bryan and so does Aaron."

She turned and gave me a hug.  "You should tell him that.  He likes you
guys so much.  He asked me if I'd ask you if we could come and visit one
weekend when you have a swim meet.  He'd love to watch a meet and then
spend the weekend."

"Well, I'd love that.  I mean, I hate being watched, but I'll just ignore
you during the meet.  I ignore everyone.  But that would be great.  And I
know David would love to see you guys."

Christmas morning we headed to my grandparents.  We just missed David and
Tina.  We had dinner with them and spent two days there.  Then we headed
home.

Aaron said, "I think I'm a virgin again."

I shook my head and rolled my eyes.

"Really," he said.  "I read that if you don't fuck for two weeks, you're a
virgin."

"You are so full of it."

"Well, so we've put on a show for each other.  We've jerked each other off
and we've given each other head and sixty-nined.  Tonight we fuck."

"You're boned, aren't you?"

He laughed.  I reached over and pressed my hand in to his crotch.  "Yeah,
that's what I thought.  Boned."

We did fuck as soon as we got to the apartment.  I mean we didn't even
unpack.  He can be so demanding that way.  He parked his car.  We carried
our bags to the apartment.  I ran to the bathroom and peed.  When I got to
the bedroom he was naked and on the bed.  He smiled at me.  I said, "I
thought we were going to have something to eat."

He pointed his dick at me.

"That's not even an appetizer."

"Get naked and get busy," he said stroking his cock.  "I need to be
manhandled, savaged, taken by you and done to."

I began to undress.  "You need to be tied up and fucked hard."  He stared
at me.  "I'm kidding," I said.

"Would you?"

"Tie you up?  You want to be tied up?"

"It sounds kind of scary but yeah, that would be hot."

I chuckled.  "We don't have anything to tie you up."

"Just my hands to the bed."

I stared at him.  "With what?"

"Fuck there has to be something."  He jumped out of bed and started roaming
the apartment.  Then he went through our closet.  I lay on the bed and
watched.  "You really want to be tied up?"

"Not tied up.  Just my wrists."  He stood in front of me with two neckties.
"Use these."

I smiled.  "Sure.  Maybe we should stuff a sock in your mouth so you can't
boss me around."

He laughed.  "Which position?  On my back or on my stomach?"

"On your back," I said.

I tied the ties to his wrists.  He lay down.  "You're sure about this?" I
said.

"It's kind of scary, but yes."

"I'll do it under one condition.  You don't tell me what to do."

"I can grunt and groan, right?"

I laughed.  "Like anything would stop you."

I tied his wrists to the headboard.  I glanced down at his cock.  It was
rock hard and pulsing.  I ran my finger over the shaft of his cock and
around the head.  It lifted off his stomach.  I stared down at him.  He
stared at me.  I started on his nipples.  Licking and biting.  He squirmed
and moaned but said nothing.  I licked his neck and bit down as I played
with his balls.  I whispered, "You're not to say a word until after I
come."

He nodded and sighed.

I licked and bit his chest, his sides and his stomach.  I noticed pre cum
dripping from his cock.  I smiled at him, knowing what I was going to do.
I lubed his ass.  I pressed two fingers in as I took his cock into my
mouth.  He moaned loudly.  I sucked his cock, lightly grazed my teeth over
his cock head.  He squirmed and moaned.  I licked the shaft to his balls,
all the time, moving my fingers around inside of him.  Each time I felt his
prostate getting firm I backed off.

I pressed my fingers against his prostate and went back to working his
cock.  I could taste his pre cum. I moved and straddled his chest, leaned
forward and pressed my cock into his mouth.  He moaned and eagerly sucked
on my dick.  I thrust, pressing further and further each time.

Then I was back to his cock and ass.  After about a half hour, I decided I
was going to make him come.  I moved my fingers inside of him and worked
his cock.  His prostate swelled.  His body trembled.  His cock head was
firm.  He moaned and squirmed as streams of cum exploded into my mouth.  I
swallowed once, but saved some for him.

With his cum in my mouth, I lifted his legs and spread them apart.  He was
still breathing hard.  He looked up at me.  Staring down at his hole, I let
the rest of his cum drip from my mouth onto his butt hole.  With my finger
I worked it in.  Then I leaned over him, put my cock to his hole and
pressed in.

I slowly thrust into him, holding his legs wide apart.  We stared at each
other.  He began grunting.  I leaned forward and lay down on him as I
thrust.  We kissed.  I fucked him as I licked and bit down on his neck.  He
groaned.  I sat up.  His cock was still hard.  As I fucked him, I
masturbated him.

I got close.  I pulled out, leaned down and sucked his cock.  He was
groaning.  I slid two fingers inside of him.  He moaned and pulled his legs
to his chest.  As I sucked him, I pressed against his prostate.  He was
ready to come again.  I pressed my cock into him and fucked him hard as I
gently played with is cock.  He was close and groaning and squirming.

I fucked him hard and tightening my grip on his cock.  His eyes went wide
and he groaned loudly.  He came hard and hit his face and pillow.  The rest
landed on his chest and stomach.  I grabbed his hips, held on tightly and
thrust.  Seconds later, I unloaded inside of him.

With my cock still inside of him, I lay down on him.  We were both
breathing hard and fast.

I reached up and untied his right wrist and then his left wrist.  He
wrapped his arms around me and held me tightly.

Neither of us spoke for a few minutes.  Then he said, "I love you, Josh."

I looked at him and smiled.  "I love you, too."

"You know after you tied my hands to the bed, I thought that there was no
one, no one is this world that I would allow to do that to me.  No one but
you."

I smiled at him.  "You seemed turned on."

"Fuck, I almost came as soon as you began touching me.  I mean, I'm still
feeling lightheaded."

I chuckled.  "You want to do that to me sometime."

"Yeah, I'd love to."

We held each other.  I guess I fell asleep.  When I woke, he wasn't in bed.
I got up.  He was sitting on the sofa with his laptop.  "I made you a
sandwich."

"We had stuff?"

"I went to the store."

"How long did I sleep?" I said sitting beside him.

"About an hour."

Classes and swimming were back in full swing.  Bryan and Sarah came to UX
for a weekend.  They attended one of our home swim meets.  It was a good
time for them to be there.  We were up against one of our least competitive
rivals and I took two first places and our relay team cleaned their clocks.

Hunter took his first second place in freestyle.  Zack took first and
Hunter came in second.  It was a surprise, because their freestyler was
pretty good, but not as good as Zack.  So, everyone was expecting a first
and third place.  When I came out of the sports center and saw Hunter with
his parents, I walked up to him and said, "Damn, Hunter, that was
fantastic.  You kicked butt.  Zack is graduating and looks like we have
ourselves another great freestyler."

His dad said, "Yeah, but he's still not doing well in the breaststroke or
the backstroke.  Those are his weak spots."

Damn, I thought, he has a father just like mine.  "Ah, well, he's not going
to take a first in the backstroke as long as I'm here, right?" I said and
smiled.  Hunter smiled.  "And he's swimming against Matt in the
breaststroke.  Matt's tough there, but he's graduating.  He'll be doing
well next year."  I said to Hunter.  "My sister is here.  We're going to
dinner.  Why don't you come?"

His father stared at him and then nodded.  Walking away, I said to Hunter,
"Some people will never give you the props you deserve.  You did great.
Everyone, especially the coach is very pleased."

"Thank you," he said.  "Ah, I think I'm ready for Connor to know."

I glanced at Hunter as we walked.  "Are you going to tell him?"  He sighed.
"Hunter, go for it.  He's not dating anyone and he likes you.  If you two
decide to date, just tell him you want to take the sex thing a little
slowly."

"But I don't."

I laughed.  "Then go for it."

We went for pizza.  I told Aaron what Hunter told me.  Hunter and Connor
left the restaurant together.

I qualified to compete at conference championships.  David didn't until his
senior year, so this was big for me.  My grandparents were there for the
entire competition.  David and Aaron drove to the meet for the last two
days.  I took a second in the backstroke and a second in the butterfly.  It
was better than I thought I'd do.

Aaron and I did well that year in our classes.  We are a good team when it
comes to studying.  It's easy to get distracted, overwhelmed and fall
behind.  But he pushes me and I push him.  Neither one of us allows the
other to complain much about being overworked.  "Okay, so you just wasted
ten minutes of your time and ten minutes of my time, bitching about all you
have to do," I'd say to him.  "Feel better."

"Yeah, a little."

"Good, now shut up and let's get to it."

"Eat me."

"You and your lunch."

Hunter and Connor started dating and became the newest couple in our group.
It was fun watching their excitement.  However, when it was time for the
summer break, their joy turned to sadness and frustration.  Hunter was not
out to either of his parents.  Connor had come out to his mother and
siblings and was inching out to his father.  Hunter was not only not out,
but lying to his parents about having met a girl.

Their summer would be long.  Aaron and I agreed that if they wanted to
coordinate a visit to UX during the summer, they could stay at our
apartment.  We'd let them sleep on our sofa and give them as much privacy
as possible.  That lightened their mood a bit.

Aaron and I decided to replace our sofa with a futon that opened into a
queen bed.  That summer, Sarah and Bryan visted twice for a weekend and
Connor and Hunter stayed with us over three weekends.

Our walls are thin.  At first I did my - no fucking when we have company
because Aaron makes too much noise - thing.  But after listening to Bryan
and Sarah go at it, Aaron insisted I was being a prude.  Hunter and Connor
were as noisy as Aaron.  So, he got laid while they were with us.

Our summer went by quickly.  Classes started and soon I was competing
again.  I felt better in the pool than I had ever before.  I felt in top
physical condition and I felt good about competing.  The pressure was on,
this being my senior year, but I didn't feel that anxieties that I had in
the past.  I was taking firsts and our relay team was unbeatable.  I knew
that as the year went on my competition would get more difficult.  Our
biggest competitors were at the end of the year.

David and Tina announced their wedding date Ð June after graduation.  We
were all graduating in June.  David would receive his Master's degree.
Tina would receive her teacher's credential.  Aaron and I would receive our
Bachelor's.  I had taken the Graduate Record Exam (GRE).  I was applying
for graduate school at UX and UZ (UX was the number one private university
in our state and UZ was the number one public university in our state) to
earn a Master's in Chemical Engineering.  It would lead to better job
opportunities.  Aaron had taken the GRE also.  His dream was to get a PhD
and teach at the college level.  He was applying to UX and UZ also.

David was talking to people about a job.  He had a very good prospect in
the field he wanted to work and in the area he wanted to settle.  The
company was located a little more than an hour away from UX.  Tina began to
look for a job teaching.  Everything was moving along.

We had plans for Christmas holidays.  We were heading to Aaron's parents'
house for a week and then to my grandparents' house for Christmas day
dinner.  All we had to do was get through the last week of classes and
finals and then we'd be on break.

During the week before finals, Aaron announced he was thinking about not
going for his PhD, rather getting a teacher's credential.

"Why are you doing that?" I said.

"It just seems like a long haul and it isn't a good idea to get your
doctorate at the same school you did your undergrad work."

"Well, so, you've applied to UZ.  Why not apply to another university."

"But you're going here."

"I can apply elsewhere.  I don't have to go here.  Just tell me where
you're applying and I'll apply there too."

"What are the chance's we'll both get into the same university?"

"How about we worry about this when we find out where we've been accepted."

"How about this.  I'll get my credential.  You get your Master's.  You get
a job and settle in and then I'll apply for my PhD in the city where you
get a job."

"You've never talked about teaching anything other than college.  I don't
get what you're doing or why?"

"We'll need money to live on.  I can't live off my parents forever."

"You'll get support if you're in a doctoral program.  You know that."  This
was feeling all wrong to me.  Something was going on.

"I think this is what I want to do."

"Well, if we're worried about money, then how about this," I said feeling
annoyed.  "I'll just get a job.  I'm sure I can get something.  They're
recruiting people out of my major.  So, I'll work and you can get your PhD.
Then when you have a job, I'll further my education."

He stared at me.  "Ah, that doesn't make any sense."

"Actually, it does, because if you're going for your credential while I'm
going for my Master's, neither of us will be working.  So, I'll support us
while you get your degree."

"That's not fair to you.  And besides you know you'll make a lot more money
with a Master's."

"Not really."

He stared and shook his head.

"Well, you were talking about UZ.  You said they have one of the best
Lit. departments and there was that professor you were interested in
working under."

"I'd never get in there.  I don't have anything to show her."

"You have your Bachelor's thesis.  That will be done."

"Why are you doing this?" he said sounding as frustrated with me as I was
with him.  "You know you had your heart set on a Master's.  You know they'd
accept you here."

"Yeah, but if you're at UZ and I'm here, that's over a hundred miles.  We'd
never manage that and live together.  I'm sure I can get a job closer to
UZ.  I've got class," I said walking toward the door.  "I'll see you
tonight."

I left feeling angry.  Aaron has conversations with himself.  He worries
about what will happen if this or that takes place.  Then he tries to find
a solution to a problem that doesn't exist yet.  After he has the future
decided and what he sees as problems resolved, he announces what will
happen.  I never get to be part of the process and it gets me crazy.

I did not know what it was that was causing him anxiety about what I
thought we would be doing.  In the past, I tried to uncover what was going
on.  Sometimes it worked.  Other times he just closed down and did what he
intended.  I had decided that the next time, I would be as arbitrary and
opaque.

That night he asked if I was angry.

"No.  Confused."  I thought for a while.  "Frustrated.  Yeah, annoyed more
than anything else."

"Because I want to get a teacher's credential."

"No, because you've never talked about teaching anything other than
college.  You'd go nuts teaching high school.  You'd hate it.  But that's
not it either.  You make these decisions and I can tell you're not telling
me what's going on."  I sighed.  "Aaron, I don't want to talk about this.
We've talked about it before.  Do what you want.  I'm getting a job.  Get
your credential."

I sat at the table and continued working on a chem. lab report.  He sat and
read.

He sighed.  "I just think,"

"Aaron, I have a lot of work to do and I'm up and in the pool early.  I
know what you think.  You've told me what you're doing.  I've told you what
I'm doing.  All you have to do is apply and I'll put in my papers for job
recruitment."

"Why are you being like this?"

"You mean stubborn and withholding, arbitrary and opaque?  Why am I making
decisions that seem downright stupid and against my better interests?  I
wouldn't think that I should have to explain any of that to you."

"You're being a dick."

"Listen to me.  I have a lot of work to do for tomorrow and I'm behind.
I'm not staying up all night.  We've talked about this before and I fucking
hate it when you do this.  This is your thing.  When we were in high school
it did not affect me.  You would do stuff or wouldn't do stuff because of
your anxieties.  Fine.  But we're a couple.  Now when you do it, it affects
me."

"Don't you have anxieties?"

"You're kidding me, right?  You're asking if I have anxiety?"

"Yeah, I know you do."  He sighed.

I turned back to my lab report.

He got up and got himself a bottle of water.  He put one in front of me.
He went back to reading.  "I'm worried that we won't get into programs in
the same city.  I'm worried that," he sighed.  "That you'll want to live
separately for a while."

I stared at him.

"I'm worried that we'll be so busy," he shook his head.  "A fucking
doctorate isn't as important to me as living together," he sighed and
looked away.

"And what makes you think I'd want that to happen?"

"Maybe you'd say that I should get my doctorate and you'd give up on your
Master's.  I know you want to get your Master's.  You should.  Maybe you'd
resent me.  I can wait."

"Aaron.  God.  You haven't even been accepted yet."

"Yeah, but I know you.  You're like the most stubborn person I've ever
known.  I'll get accepted to UZ and you'll get accepted here and I'll say,
`I'll delay for two years and you'll say NO and then it will be NO.  So
you'll say, live apart or you'll say you'll get a job.  And that will be
that."

"So, you're making decisions so that I can't."

"Neither of those decisions are what I want.  So, yeah."

At first I was angry, very angry.  My impulse was to get up, put on my
running clothes and leave.  I decided to sit and calm myself.  "You know,
maybe if you talked to me about this, about your anxieties," I said
sounding nasty, "we could figure something out."

He sat beside me, looking across the room.  He shook his head.  "You're
angry.  I didn't want you to be angry."

"Well, you don't get to decide that either."

I got up and went to the bathroom and peed.  I think he was surprised when
I came back and didn't have my running clothes on.  I sat at the table
across from him.  "What makes you think I'd want to live separately?"

"I don't think you would."

We stared at each other.  I felt myself calming a bit.  I sat back and
wondered what we would do in his doomsday fantasy.  "Okay, so you're
applying to UZ because it's bad to stay here and get your doctorate."

"Yes.  As far as getting a job goes.  They say you should be exposed to
different faculty, different ideas.  And I kind of agree.  That's why I
thought I'd get the teacher's,"

"Let's stop with that, okay."  He sighed.  I said, "You're worried I'll get
into UZ and you won't."

"It's not easy to get in.  I mean my grades are good and I'm sure I did
okay on the GRE, but a lot of people want to study with Dr. Green.  Why
would she accept me?  I've got nothing outstanding to show.  I mean, I
think I can do the work, but she wouldn't know that."

"How could she know that?  How could she know that about anyone?"

"Well, they might have done work, published, or working with someone else."

"You mean they might have a Master's?"

"Yeah, sure."

I stared at him.

He said, "You think I should get a Master's?  But if I get a Master's at UZ
then I shouldn't get my doctorate there."

"What about getting one here?  You know people here who you'd love to work
with.  They know you."

"Yeah, but you're applying to UZ.  Then,"

"But I can get my Master's here.  I'm pretty sure I can get in here.  I
mean, if I can get in at UZ, I can get in here.  So, we take two years and
get our Master's.  You get another paper written for your Master's.  That
will certainly help you get into a doctoral program and a Master's will get
me a better jog."

"But what if your job and where I go,"

"Aaron, don't even go there.  From now until then, the world might blow
up."

He sighed.

"Shit," I said.  "Now you're going to worry about that."

He smiled.  "I hate you."

"Aaron, each time you do this, you drive me nuts.  And when you talk to me
we seem to work something out."

"I know.  I'm sorry."

"So we're good?"

"Yes.  But you know, you are the most stubborn person I've ever known and
David agrees."

"You really want to do this now."

"No.  But,"

"Aaron."

"Okay."  Big sigh.  "I'm glad we talked this out.  I hate it when you're
angry at me."

I got up.  "Get up."  He got up.  We hugged and kissed.  "I know I'm
stubborn.  That's why you love me."

He chuckled.

We sat and did school work for the next four hours.  Finally, we got to
bed.  I thought about just rolling over and going to sleep, but that hardly
ever happens.  Soon we were giving each other head.  It was sort of make up
sex and sex is a good relaxant for me.  After I come, I usually pass out.

Aaron and I had applied for acceptance into the Master's program.  After my
discussion with Aaron, I talked to my advisor, the man in whose lab I'd
want to work.  He said he'd be happy to have me working with him.  We sat
and talked about what I might work on and how that would help me with my
career path.  I was excited.

The week of finals, he called me into his office and said that it was
official but not announced that I was accepted into the Master's program
and that he'd be my advisor.  He said, "You're taking you're Bachelor's
seminar next semester.  How about taking it with me."

"That was my plan."

"Great.  So, what I was thinking is this.  Why don't we get you started on
your research project?  You can start working on your Master's project for
your Bachelor's thesis."

"Wow, that would be great."

"Okay, I've got a grant that I want you to be part of.  Come in and we'll
talk specifically what you can do.  I think in two and half years you can
do an nice piece of work."

I left feeling like I was floating on a cloud.  He seemed as excited to
have me working for him, as I was to work for him.

Christmas dinner at my grandparents' was great.  My grandmother dotes over
Aaron and he loves it.  I guess its like Aaron's mother dotes over me.  I
enjoyed spending time with my granddad.

"Your grandmother and I are coming to your Conference meet again this
year."

I smiled.  "Thank you.  I know it's a drive."

"We wouldn't miss it for anything.  I'd like you to do something for me."

"Sure.  What?"

"You're sending out graduation announcements.  I mean your brother did when
he got his Bachelor's and he's sending them out again."

"Yeah, sure.  If you want one."

"I'd love one.  Your grandmother keeps scrapbooks of you boys.  But that's
not the favor."

"What?"

"I want you to send one to your parents."

I felt my face tingle.  "Ah, I'd really rather not."  I sat feeling my face
warming as anger filled me.  "He threw me out."  I stared at my grandfather
and shook my head.  "No. I just can't do that."

"Can't or won't."

"Both.  No.  I'm sure he'd just tear it up.  And you know there is no way
he'd come.  Besides, I wouldn't want him there.  I won't give him the
satisfaction.  He disowned me.  I'm disowning him."

"They are your parents.  I know they've shown you no respect.  But that
doesn't mean you shouldn't respect them."

"Yes it does.  No, Granddad.  No.  It's not fair for you to ask me to do
that.  It's just not fair."

"Well, think about it.  It would mean a lot to me."

"It's the principle," I said.  "I know it's just a piece of paper, but it's
the principle."

We didn't talk about it after that and I didn't say anything to Aaron, but
I thought about it often.  It confused me as to why he would ask such a
thing.  He knew how I felt about my father.  Did he really believe that my
father would change the way he felt about me?  Did he really think that I
would acknowledge my father in that way, let alone honor him with an
invitation?  What was he thinking?



Thank you for reading along.

JoshRJosh.