Date: Mon, 10 Jan 2005 13:24:14 -0500 From: T.K. Walters <writtenbyachild@hotmail.com> Subject: All For Him, Chapter Nine Hello, before you read the chapter below, I wanted to give a few character profiles. I'll be adding on every now and then, probably whenever a major character comes into the picture. ********** CHARACTER PROFILES Name: Nick Atkinson Birthday: January 7 Astrological Sign: Capricorn Blood Type: O Favorite Color: Purple Birthstone: Garnet Starstone: Onyx Hobby: Listening to music Favorite Food: Tiramisu Least Favorite Food: Liver Favorite Subject: Business/Computer Classes Worst Subject: Math Has Trouble With: Insecurities Strong Point: Romantic -- Name: Pete Atkinson Birthday: August 18 Astrological Sign: Leo Blood Type: B Favorite Color: Gold Birthstone: Peridot Starstone: Ruby Hobby: Swimming Favorite Food: Risotto Least Favorite Food: Hotdogs Favorite Subject: Physical Education Worst Subject: Literature Has Trouble With: Monogamy Strong Point: Sex -- Name: Jake Collins Birthday: July 9 Astrological Sign: Cancer Blood Type: A Favorite Color: Silver Birthstone: Ruby Starstone: Pearl Hobby: Guitar/Music Favorite Food: Burgers/Deli meats Least Favorite Food: Milk Favorite Subject: Music Worst Subject: Math Has Trouble With: Keeping focus on anything Strong Point: Loyalty -- Name: Deither Orin Birthday: August 9 Astrological Sign: Leo Blood Type: O Favorite Color: Orange Birthstone: Peridot Starstone: Ruby Hobby: Archery Favorite Food: Hot dogs Least Favorite Food: Anything fancy Favorite Subject: None Worst Subject: All Has Trouble With: Artistic views Strong Point: Lustful -- Name: Daniel Orin Birthday: August 9 Astrological Sign: Leo Blood Type: O Favorite Color: Violet Birthstone: Peridot Starstone: Ruby Hobby: Archery Favorite Food: Spaghetti Least Favorite Food: Tofu Favorite Subject: Math Worst Subject: History Has Trouble With: Remembering Strong Point: Organized and Thorough -- Name: Jared Fehr Birthday: December 17 Astrological Sign: Sagittarius Blood Type: O Favorite Color: Maroon Birthstone: Turquoise Starstone: Topaz Hobby: Miscellaneous drungs Favorite Food: Dark chocolate Least Favorite Food: Favorite Subject: Sociology Worst Subject: Math Has Trouble With: Authority Strong Point: Rebellion ********** Chapter Nine "We are quite the same, you and I," I stated to Jared as I began taking my shirt off. No need for much modesty now that I knew he wanted to be with me. Jared was in the same state, shirtless and on his way to being pantless. "Really? You and me?" Jared said, sounding like he was spouting off a very deep question. He threw his shirt at me, covering my face in a scent that reminded me of fabric softener and himself. I waited for him to take it off me, a coat rack waiting to be revealed. He was laughing when he took it off and tossed it onto his bag. Embracing me in his strong, lean arms, he tilted my head back and kissed me. Pushing me backwards, we fell onto the cot, our lips still connected and our tongues battling to conquer the other. My fingers were tangled in his hair, restraining him as much as I could. His movements and urges were animalistic, barbaric even. They were like mine; but unlike him, I kept mine on a short leash. However, this fact was changing very quickly. Jared's hot tongue and his flushed face was almost too much for me to handle and I felt my hold on the rope loosening, soon my urges will be as blatant and wild. Before I lost all control, I broke the kiss, with much difficulty. "Wait, wait," I repeated over and over again in a whisper. He was still kissing my neck, causing welts I knew would be there in the morning. "Slow down, we have all night." Jared's right hand left my face and went down the side of the cot and into his bag. When his hand came back, it had with it a dozen foil-wrapped condoms. "Doesn't mean we have to slow down," Jared said, his lips leaving my flesh for only a second. "Nick?" Jake's voice called from outside the tent. "He's busy right now," Jared yelled back for me. "Oh," Jake said, sounding quite disappointed. "I'll leave you guys alone." "No!" I cried. "Just a sec." Pushing him off me, I stood up and grabbed my shirt. "Jake's a friend. I know when something's wrong." Laying back, his hands behind his head, Jared poked my leg with his foot. "Hurry up. You're leaving at a really crucial point here." As he said the word `point', he forced his foot into my crotch, which was still quite hard. I chuckled and smiled at him before I walked away. My shirt was still off when I left the tent and saw Jake's worried lines appearing on his forehead. "What's up?" I asked, slinging the shirt over my shoulder. "I was bothering something," Jake said, turning around. "I'm gonna go." "Stop," I said, grabbing on to his shoulder. "I know there's something wrong." Jake stopped moving but he wouldn't turn to me. I heard him sigh and I knew he wouldn't say a word to me. Taking things into my hands, literally, I grabbed his hand and entwined our fingers. `Jake,' I thought, `please talk to me.' But it didn't matter, didn't matter how hard I tried to get into his head because it was closed off tightly. Sighing, I let got of his hand and put on my shirt only to see him walking away when my head peeked through the hole. "Goddammit," I cursed as I ran up to him. I didn't touch him since I knew that wouldn't help but went around him and walked backwards. "What's going on?" I asked, annoyed by his silence. "You come to my tent and then get all pissy as soon as you get what you want." "It's not your tent," Jake said quietly. "What?" I asked, exasperated. "It's not your tent," he repeated. "Your tent's next to mine, where I expect you to be." "What? You saw me going with Jared. You went with Deither to his tent!" I cried. Jake mumbled something under his breath and kept his face away from me. I tried to reach out to touch him but he pulled away. "Fine!" I yelled. "If that's how you wanna fucking do it, don't' say it this way. Just tell me! Just talk to me!" Right now, I saw heads being poked out of the tents, most of them girls, but I didn't care. Jake was pissing me off but the fact of the matter was that he was hurting; he couldn't hide that from me even if he wanted to. But the floating heads were annoying me and I began to snap at them. "Fuck off!" I cried to the closest tent. Before I could even gauge their reaction, I was being pulled away from the tents and into the woods by Jake. "Get off!" I yelled, yanking my wrist away from him as we got to the spot we were earlier in the night. "If you can block yourself away from me, I can do the same to you." "What's going on with you?" Jake asked, his expression filled with worry for me. I could tell I was scowling but I couldn't stop myself from doing it. Jake's eyes were tearing and for whom, I didn't know. He was giving off so many vibes that I couldn't tell which was for me or for himself. When the first tear fell on his left eye, he couldn't control it anymore and began to sob. I regretted yelling at him right away. Reaching out slowly to comfort him, I was surprised by Jake hitting my arm away. "NO!" he screamed. There was such aguish in that one word that his defenses faltered and my mind was able to touch in on what happened a few minutes earlier when his fingers grazed mine. Jake realized that I had understood quickly because he stopped sobbing, dropped his mouth, and grabbed onto my arms, keeping me from running to Deither's tent. I struggled, futilely; there was no way I could break away from Jake's stronger hold. "Let go! I'll kill him!" "Please, Nick," Jake cried, "it's not worth it." I was still trying to get away and little by little his grip was loosening. "He fucking hurt you and you say it isn't worth it?!" Taking me into his arms, he hugged me and kept me still. His hands were on the small of my back and his cheek was pressed against mine. "It's not," he whispered to me. "But I know I saw--," I started, but quickly quieted. Jake's hand held onto mine and our fingers intertwined again. This time, I saw the entire scene playing in my head. I felt what Jake felt a few seconds before he and Deither ever . . . My mind swirled with pictures that weren't unknown to me, images of Jake in several different states of undress and the same scenic locale of the inside of the tents. But the images were not what I focused on. Jake's feelings were first and foremost, holding more merit than any of the tantalizing thoughts that Jake was knowingly feeding me. There was fear and anticipation, agony and lust, a pseudo love feeling that ones gets after thinking that a person could be `the one'. All emotions ranging that spectrum were there. Then all that there was became pain. Ignored pleading was going on in my head but not by my inner voice. Placing my free hand on Jake's neck, I squeezed the tensed muscle and pulled our heads together. The image became clearer and the emotions became louder. As soon as our heads touched, the sense of pain and agony were over and all that was left was a numbness in Jake. This is what I felt before, when I first couldn't get in. After the images were just red and black imprints every time I closed my eyes, I pulled Jake's head away from mine and said, "Not to me. Never close yourself away from me again." __________ "Listen," I said, sitting down on Jared's cot. "My friend's not feeling too good. I just wanna take him home." "But--," Jared protested to no avail. "But that doesn't mean you can't come visit sometime," I said, smiling. Reaching into his bag of tricks, I pulled out a pen and began to write my home address and phone number on his hand. "Call beforehand. I don't want Pete to know that I'm seeing you." "See me?" Jared asked, smirking at the thought. "Kid, if you think that--" Pressing my finger on his lips, I said, "Don't even. Now, give me a kiss and promise me you'll call whenever." Kissing me softly on the lips, Jared tried to keep control of the situation but no longer could. I had started to become the adult once Jake got involved. Outside, I left giddy only to be stopped by Jared once I got halfway from where the car, Jake, and Pete were waiting. I knew they couldn't see us, the walk was pretty far away, so I didn't bother to hide my little illicit affair with Jared. Embracing me from behind, he slipped his hand into my front pocket and said, "Here, for you and your friend. Don't use it all in one night." Now, I was quite new to drugs but that didn't mean that I couldn't understand that there was now a baggy in my pocket with either marijuana or coke. I patted his arm and ran from the party toward the entrance of the clearing. Jake and Pete were already in the car and wasted no time in zipping off once I sat down. __________ "I'm sorry," I told Pete as soon as we walked into the house. Jake was still with us since he was spending the night, so he went straight up to my room. He knew what might be going down tonight and didn't want to get into it with us. "Forget it," Pete started, "just go sleep it off and we'll talk in the morning." He kept trying to find ways to keep his back towards me. First it was when he was putting his keys away, then pretending to pick up around the house, and finally he just stop pretending and walked up the stairs to his room. "Pete?" I called. He stopped near the top of the stairs and didn't turn around. "What?" "I'm sorry." "Yeah," he said, softly. "You said that already." Before I could say anymore, he ran to jogged to his room as nonchalantly as he could, but I knew he was just trying to get away from me. I closed the front door; we forgot about it when everyone wanted to get away from the others. Shutting off the lights, I made sure everything was locked and secured before I went up to my room. Jake sat on my bed, his head bowed and staring at his feet, appearing to be waiting for me. Once I got in, I asked, "How're you feeling?" He looked at me like I had just asked a person burnt in a fire if they didn't hurt. "Right, sorry," I said. "Don't really know what to ask in a situation like this." Changing the subject, I began to undress and asked, "Do you mind if we both sleep on the same bed tonight?" Jake, once noticing what I was doing, also took off his clothing and shoes until he was only in his boxers and undershirt like me. He shook his head at my question. When I shut off the lights, he quickly moved under the covers and closer to the walls. I took the other side and lay down on my back while he was on his side, facing away from me. I wanted to hold him, to tell him again that it wasn't his fault, but I knew that wouldn't help a situation that had already passed. "G'night, Nick," he said, one time before he stopped talking altogether. "Night," I responded before closing my eyes. This wasn't turning out to be a good night for either of us. My mind was plagued with images of Jared and his body. Sleep eluded me the rest of the night. __________ The morning of his surprise party, Jake and I left the house where I would entertain him for the few hours it would take to set up the house. I decided to take him to the boardwalk, a place where we've spent countless hours just walking, people watching, and having general merriment, but before we could do that, we needed to drop by his house to get some essentials: a couple of CDs, his messenger's bag, his skateboard, and a change of clothes. Since I didn't wish to piss Pete off--he was already busy fixing up the house--we took the subway. Jake and I kept our words monosyllabic, still unsure about the hug the night before. We've always been close, but that hug meant more to me than I had expected. I remember the way he smelled. Sex was all over him and it intoxicated me. We were staying a little far from each other; I was on one side of the train while he was at the other. I watched him as he stood up and let a woman and her grade school son take his seat. From his pocket, he pulled out a small toy that he had built earlier. It took Jake at least five hours to finish putting it together and painting it. I had watched him work on it for so long and he gives it to a child who might end up breaking it by the end of the hour. Yet it didn't matter to Jake, it seemed. He kept grinning when the boy excitedly asked him what it does. He showed him and I watched as they played. No matter what age Jake gets, he always seemed become a child when a little kid is involved. He's the only kid in our class that still visits our grade school to help the little kids and his brother by volunteering for field day and such. Ten minutes after Jake and the little boy first began to play, the mother--a nice looking lady who appeared to be in her early thirties--beckoned for the child to come to her side, which he did. Once we got to the next stop, they left, with Jake waving at the smiling mother and child. He sat back down and I stood up to sit by him. "That was nice of you," I told him. I scooted closer to him so our shoes would touch. Slowly, I hooked mine behind his and waited for his response. What I was hoping for was for him to move his foot back and forth but he exceeded my expectation and patted my thigh. "It was just a toy," he answered. "Not that," I replied. "I meant keeping the boy company." "Well, he reminded me a lot of John," Jake said. "Miss him?" "Yeah, I do. I haven't been around him much. I mean, I've stayed over at Mom's last weekend and he was over at my house two weeks ago, but it's not enough, you know? Like, sometimes I feel that I should have more of an impact on his life, much like you and Pete." "Oh, trust me," I laughed, "you don't wanna fuck up your little brother like me." "`Cryptic and Cynical,' says The Times. `Played out and Candid,' exclaimed Newsweek." "Alright," I replied, "don't believe me. But just promise me that once your little brother falls in love with you, don't come to me to try and fix things. Deal with it yourself. And when he shows interest in someone else, don't get pissy and bitching and all like--!" I couldn't help myself, all pent-up anger and frustration exploded in one big burst, which Jake was able to calm down with another touch of his hand. "Needed to vent?" he asked, when he saw that I had calmed. I nodded. "Don't worry," he said, nudging my side with his elbow, "I won't let that happen . . . because I've decided that being gay isn't worth it." Jake was looking around when he said the word gay aloud, making sure that no one was paying attention. There were only a few more people on the train as the last stop had made every leave, so we didn't even need to whisper, those who were on still seemed more concerned with their lives than in what we were doing. "After last night," he whispered, "I don't think it's worth it being gay. Besides that fact, I don't like it when people judge me. You know that better than anyone else." "Yeah, and I think that I know you personally than anyone else," I replied. "And I know that you don't like it when you're held back. And being in the closet holds you back. Now, seeing as I haven't even peeked out the door--I've pulled you into mine only to find out that you had one around yourself, too--I can't tell you that it is what you have to do or that you have to do it right at this second, but you've got to admit it. Knowing that you know someone who's going through the same thing does relieve some of the loneliness and pain." "Wow, that was preachy," Jake scoffed. "I'm serious," I whined. "It's easier for me to feel more comfortable around you now that you know." "And it's like that for me, too," he said. "I don't know. I don't consider myself gay at the moment. Like, I have random times where I think, `Okay, she's cute,' then I wonder about my sexuality and whether or not I can just stick to one sex." "Are you telling me you're bi?" "No," he laughed, "but maybe. That's just it, I don't know. I mean, sometimes when I'm with someone like . . . Deither, I can't help but feel something in me that tells me that I have to touch him. Then there are times when I like how a girl looks. Then there are times when I wonder what it would be like to be in a threesome with them." "Oh, my god," I whispered, trying not to laugh. The train came to a halt, inertia pushing us closer us for a second. "Come on, Jake. It's our stop." __________ Grabbing the stuff out of his room, Jake left his father to entertain me for the moment. And, like Jake, his main enjoyment in life is coffee so he poured me a giant mug and we waited for Jake to finish. I spoke to Mr. Collins in a hushed voice about the party that night. "I've set everything up," I told him. "It's just a small party so if you wanted to come . . . I know that Jake would love to have you there." Mr. Collins chuckled and said, "I highly doubt that. Besides, I teach his friends, and it wouldn't be right for me to barge in on something you've been working on for so long. So, thank you, but no thanks." I shrugged and said, "Your loss. Even so, are you sure you don't wanna go with us to the Pier?" "Nah," he said, standing up and going to the kitchen to get his third refill since I've arrived. "I'll leave you boys to yourselves. Have fun, okay?" He pointed behind me and I saw that Jake was raring to go, his bag hooked onto his shoulder, his skateboard tucked under his arm. Jake gestured with his head to the door and said, "Come on." I finished my first cup and went over and out the door. "Bye, Dad!" Jake yelled back before he closed the door. We took the elevator down and took a cab to the Pier. __________ As we sat there, in the middle of the crowded, outside tables of a bistro, next to the main walkway of the boardwalk, overlooking the lake, I pondered more about what Jake had said. I hadn't had a chance to even question my sexuality. I've always focused on Pete and I thought that it had always constituted the gay label that I had forced upon myself. I wondered whether or not I could even be attracted to a woman the same way that Jake or Pete described. The touch of a woman is unknown to me and sometimes the thought is unappealing. I like the feel of a man's body more than a woman's. A man is weathered and rough, a quality that shows strength in my eyes. A woman has softer features and cannot hold me the way I want to be held. Minutes pass and I did not speak a word to Jake of my quandary, but just phased my eyes back and forth from his face to the grease-laden pizza on my plate. Worry began to fuel my body. Over the past few months, I knew attraction was forming on my side to Jake. Yet, until just a few days ago, I knew that a relationship with him was highly impossible and improbable--I mean, we were best friends and that can go terribly wrong--but when he revealed to me that he had similar feelings as to my own, I subconsciously thought about it more seriously and have introverted our normal physical aspects of our friendship. Normally, we would connect feet at the moment, as he sat across from me, but now both of our legs are held tightly together and as far away from the others' as possible. Silently, we finished our food and paid the bill. At the façade of the dock's main stores, there was an excellent place for skating so we took his board there and messed around a bit. He had been teaching me how to skate for so long but as of yet, I've just been able to ride it, do an olie, and a couple grinds. He mesmerized me with some of the tricks he did, switching from a frontside grind on a bench, to a manual, and finally to a fakey. I just managed not to fall on my ass more than three times the whole day before we went to the end of the dock to feed the ducks. We didn't go willingly; truthfully, one of the security officers decided it was time to kick us out. As we pounded quarter after quarter into the machine to get some feed, we stayed quiet. After a while, I grew frightened of it. Would this be how our lives will be forever? This was worse than keeping a secret from him. This was torture. The dock cleared out around 9:30. I was to bring him to the party an hour ago. Jake stood at the railing, staring out at the water. He stood like granite, contained to the spot. It would be so easy to touch my desired statue but my hand would not cooperate. I stood two feet away. He could feel me near, hear me breathe. Our eyes scanned the wooden dock, searching the empty darkness. There was no one here but us and the waiters and waitresses in the bistro a few stores away. I reached out for his hand, our fingers melding as one, and a heartstring stuck that I never knew was there. As he faced me, it was plucked again. And when our lips first touched, I felt most of my love die, only to be reborn into a new one; a stronger and more real love. "What about Pete?" he asked, through moments of breath. "No more," I said, using his instructions to speak during times when our lips separated for less than two seconds. "Jared?" "Just you," I replied. Jake's hands wrapped themselves around my head. Mine clutched at his chest. One hand landed on his heart and he moved his onto mine. Our heartbeat was one and the same. As mine slowed, so did his. As mine stopped when our eyes met, so did his. "Nothing will ever change," he assured me. "You're me and I'm you, always and forever." "Forever," I replied, before we kissed again under the darkness of the night, the stars twinkling above us. Nothing mattered. No one did. Just the person that held me. Just the person I held. The End ********** Send all thoughts, critiques, or grammar changes to the address above. Thanks for taking the time to read this story. I know it's not exactly the best story ever, but I'm trying. I do get points for that, right? Well, I hope you aren't too harsh. And again, thanks. I know that I might've pissed people off that I ended it right now, but I plan on putting on a sequel if people want it. Also, if you want to be on a mailing list on whether or not I will put up chapters, just send an email saying so. -MKP