Date: Mon, 18 Jul 2011 09:26:59 -0700
From: Always Ready <alwaysready123@gmail.com>
Subject: Don't Say "I Do"

"Seth, please don't go through with this, please believe me, she cheated on
you, I saw it with my own eyes! Please don't do this.  I know you love her,
but she's not faithful, she's not right. I don't want to see you get
hurt. Pleaaase! Don't do this."  I begged and begged him but it just didn't
work, all he replied was ,

	"Adam DROP IT!  She did not cheat on me, she wouldn't lie.  Just
because you're jealous doesn't give you the right to ruin someone else's
happiness – namely mine! It doesn't work that way buddy.  You'll find
someone that can make you happy just like she does me, I'm sure he's out
there somewhere.  Now let's go, I'm marrying her and that's it."  And with
that, he walked out of the room and up to the altar. And then I just turned
to my father, who was standing there next to me and said,

       "Dad, how can we let him go through with this? He's making the
biggest mistake of his life." My father just looked at me and said,

	"Because this is what he wants, he loves the girl. And she claims
that she loves him back. What the hell more do you want me to do?  It's his
life, he's going to do what he wants to do, no matter what anyone tells him
– he always has."

	"What do I want you to do?  Be the fucking father that you should
be, and tell your son to wake up!  She's a lying, cheating bitch and you
know it! You saw it – DO SOMETHING!"  But he too just ignored me. No one
would listen to me, no matter what I said or had proof of, it apparently
meant nothing. So there in front of the altar stood my brother Seth waiting
for his soon to be slut cheating wife, to walk down the aisle...

But all of this is present, for it to make sense I guess I should start
back at the beginning.

New York City, "The greatest city in the world" as it was termed.  Quite
honestly I don't know if I would call it that.  It was a city, it's where I
was born and raised, yes there were more opportunities here than in most
other cities on the globe, but the bottom line?  It was just a city.

I won't lie, I was born into a very wealthy family – not something I
really understood until I grew up to some degree – to me it was normal
practice to have a maid bring you something when you called for it, or to
be picked up in a limousine from school, I was little and didn't know any
different until I met people from outside of my general "social circle".
And while all of those luxuries afforded me with many great things, they
were also to my detriment because as I came to realize this way of life was
not of the general norm.

I was also the youngest child of three, the oldest being my sister Amy -6
years older than me, then my brother Seth at 2 years older than me, and
then of course me. My sister Amy and I were never really that close as
brother and sister, actually truth be told, we weren't close at all.  She
very much followed in my mother's footsteps becoming the rich society girl
that was taught to accept nothing less than the best in everything thing in
life.  The best clothes, the best this and that, and everything else, and
well that was perfectly fine with me.  And then we come to my brother Seth.
Ahh Seth.

Seth was what you would call-well in my eyes perfection, but to the rest of
the world your typical wealthy brat who got everything he wanted, did
whatever he wanted and with whoever he wanted.  In his world, if he didn't
like you or you weren't of some sort of use to him, you were very easily
over looked.  Now that's not to say he was a complete asshole because he
isn't – if you EVER asked him to do anything, or for any sort of help he
would drop what he was doing, and do anything he could do to help you.  He
would even throw the homeless man on the street a dollar each time he
passed him. He called it his "insurance policy".  And it was the same thing
with girls, if he liked her, he didn't have to do much to get her to go out
with him.  Aside from his tangible assets, he also had his looks.  One
thing that no one could deny, whatever you were, gay, straight, bi, alien,
whatever, was the fact that he was a beautiful man. He stood at 6 feet 6
inches tall, his body is one that any man would die to have. His muscles
were just perfectly sculptured. Not bulging, but visible enough, had a
dusting of light brown hair on his chest, a perfectly rounded ass, and from
what I could tell a very impressive piece of meat hanging between his
legs. He has a smile that can light up a room, but his best feature, by
far, are his eyes.  They are a shade of green that is so unique and so
breathtaking that you literally could just lose yourself in staring at
them.

Me on the other hand, I'm just your average guy here, average height,
average looks, in a plain one word description- average. I certainly wasn't
ugly or anything, I was 6 feet tall, had an OK body – I went to the gym
and tried to improve it, but it never seemed to work, I stayed fit, but
muscles never seemed to appear.  Which quite honestly, didn't really bother
me in the least, it's who I was and that was it.  And I suppose had I tried
to go out with girls I wouldn't have had much of a problem getting them to
go out with me – a pompous statement yes, but also what I believed.
However, as you can all figure out, I wasn't looking to go out with girls,
I wanted the boys.  I wanted to be able to walk down the street or through
the school hallway holding a boy's hand.  So yes, in a simple statement I'm
gay.

I guess I had probably known that fact about myself from the time that I
was very young, probably 11 or 12.  At that point of course I said nothing
to anyone, I was sure that I would have been told that I'm too young to
understand and I was just "experimenting" with new knowledge.  A nice
alibi, but one that was certainly not true in the least – and again that
didn't bother me.  I liked being different, being outside of the norm,
since quite honestly I was never really "in" it to begin with.  Oh I had
friends and all, well friends on the outside, but really just acquaintances
– it again went back to that issue of being in the social circle that I
was brought up in.  Only hang out with the "cool" and rich kids, everyone
else wasn't good enough.  But again, like being gay, I liked the being
outside the norm. I went out and made friends in the real world.  Friends,
that I knew I could be "me" with.  Because in reality, if I were to come
out to anyone on the family side, I knew their responses would be to shun
me away and hide it as much as possible so as not to put them in a bad
light, so I figured I'd just keep it to myself.

Of course there was one wrench into all of this.  Seth.  Even in all of his
glory, he was my one true best friend.  I knew that I could run to him for
anything, cry to him if I needed to, ramble off to him if I needed to,
anything at all, I knew that he'd be there for me, and he always was.  He
was my biggest supporter for everything and anything.  To me he was really
like Superman, except for that one small piece of the puzzle – I've
never outright told him that I was gay.  Now quite honestly I'm sure that
he already knew, you didn't have to be a rocket scientist to figure it out.
I mean, I had never gone on a date with a girl, or even a boy for that
matter. I never talked about them to him, nothing.  And on the same token
he never pushed me on it either, never brought it up once.  So either he
was in some bizarre way completely oblivious to it.  Or he figured it out
and felt that if I wanted to talk about it I would. And he would be right
on every account.  But because of all of that, because of who he was to me
and how he acted towards me and with me, a catastrophic event happened –
I fell in love with him.  Not just in love with him, but deeply in love
with him, and that was something that I hoped and prayed every single day
and night that he would never, ever figure out.  He may be my biggest
supporter, and probably didn't even care about the fact that I was gay, but
I doubt he would be able to handle me being in love with him.

As time passed by, we all continued to grow up, by the time my sister had
turned 26, she had somehow managed to graduate from Columbia and found
herself another very wealthy guy, who was making his own money and had the
family money to back himself up even further, therefore allowing my sister
to be nothing but the rich society girl that my mother had groomed her to
be.  Her daily agenda usually consisted of nothing more than manicures,
pedicures, lunches and shopping.  While I suppose it is a nice thing to be
able to do that for your life, I just find the whole concept to be mind
numbing, but that's just me.

Seth of course, turned 22 and graduated from Harvard-how, I still wonder
about today.  He certainly wasn't stupid he had brains and all, but how he
managed to get in there, still a mystery to me..but I suppose money
probably speaks louder than words too.  And just like everything else he
did, he decided that since he was now "freed" from the ropes of academia,
he could go off and breathe for a while, not having a care in the world. So
he went off to Europe for a few months and did his own thing.

And me still stuck in New York, a senior at NYU – granted I did have the
option to go out west to go to Stanford and be closer to San Francisco, and
I had actually considered it very carefully but decided that I'd probably
be better off here.  Why?  That was a question that I really couldn't
answer at the time, I just "knew" that I was supposed to be in New York.

Four years ago at the age of 16 I finally got the balls to come out to
everyone in my family and tell them what I had known about myself for over
4 years – that I was gay.  And everyone seemed perfectly fine with it,
no one treated me any differently, really nothing changed at all and I was
more than grateful for that.  But once again, my problem was the fact that
I just continued to fall deeper and deeper in love with Seth, and I had
absolutely no idea what to do about it.

You see there are so many things that life throws at you that you just
don't know which way to turn.  Whether to dodge those things, or catch them
and try and work with them, or just let them knock you down.  Figuring out
the fact that I was gay – did not make me happy in any way what so ever.
What 12 year old wants to discover that he's gay?  Knowing what a tortured
life a gay man can have from the very beginning – from the tortures of
junior high to high school and then into college, and then of course the
rest of the unforgiving outside world that existed.  But this was my fate,
I was gay and that was that.

And as I said, after a while it didn't bother me, the more I thought about
it, and the more that I realized that it was a good thing to be different.
I was a strong minded person, opened my mouth when I thought I should and
even when I shouldn't have – not that anyone ever listened to me.  It
was if I was the boy who cried wolf that no one believed..even though a lie
has never left my mouth from the time that I could talk.  It was funny, I
actually used to incriminate myself to my parents when I did something
wrong – even if no one would ever have found out about it – my mouth
just opened up and said it, maybe to clear my head-who knows.  But that
too, was very much to my detriment because not only did I incriminate
myself, but too many of my own secrets flowed out- even those that I had
every intention of never letting out.

And the wonderful realization of falling in love with Seth?  That was NEVER
supposed to come out. But there was one night that he and I had gotten into
an argument, and at this point I don't even remember what it was over
anymore, but I wanted to shut him up already, and the only thing that I
could think of that might do it was just telling him, cause a shock and end
the fight.  And it did just that, I looked deep into his eyes, into his
soul – that was the one thing that I had over him which no one else did,
nor could he do it to me.  But I grabbed his arm got his eyes to look at
me, and I stared right back into him and said,

	"Seth, shut the fuck up, I've had enough of this, we aren't
children anymore, and if you don't stop it now I'll hit you with something
you don't want to know."  He tried pulling away again and I said,

	"Fine, you want it that way?  Guess what, your gay faggot brother,
is in love with you and wants to make deep passionate love with you."  And
all of a sudden he froze in place.  His skin went cold and I watched his
eyes go from green to a dark red, his entire face lost all it's color and
became ghostly white.  And as much as I wanted to let him go, I wanted to
be absolutely sure that it wasn't just a fake, but after 5 minutes or so, I
knew it was safe, so I let him go.  He shook his head, turned around and
walked out of the room.  And I knew what I had just done was end the
relationship that I had with my brother.

That fight happened just before Seth went off to Europe for what was
supposed to be only 3 months but turned into 3 years.  And in those 3
years, Seth and I spoke a total of 6 times, for a minute and a half when I
called to wish him a Happy Birthday and for a minute when I called to say
Merry Christmas.  But you see, that was by his choice.  Over the first
year, I called and tried to reach him numerous times, and he just refused
to answer the phone, and it finally hit home that he just didn't want
anything to do with me anymore, so I just stopped trying.  I was at least
thankful that he did answer the phone on his birthday or Christmas but that
was it.

While he was over there, I went on with my life here...whatever life that
really was.  I graduated college, graduated law school, but I didn't feel
as if I really had anyone to share it with.  Yes my parents were there, as
were my friends , but truth be told the only person I really wanted there
was my brother, and he made it abundantly clear that he wanted no part of
it-no part of me, and I guess it was just something I was going to have to
accept.

Once Seth finally came home from Europe, I hoped and prayed that maybe,
just maybe over time he had grown past our fight and would be willing to
make up and at least just be friends.  But try as I might, it was just as
if he was still 3000 miles away.  And once again I realized life had to go
on, he did his thing, and I was doing mine, working for a law firm, I had
my friends..a lot of them actually, I even tried having boyfriends, but
truth be told that was a joke.  The one's I usually picked or rather that
were attracted to me turned out to be total flakes, abusive, and a long
list of other things as well.

And onceagain, life continued on.  I tried to have a life, and did but it
existed of nothing more than work, attempts to enjoy what social life that
I had. My sister remained married and in her role of the society woman that
she was and wanted to be, and Seth, he went on doing what he wanted, when
he wanted and with whom he wanted.  Until that one fateful point in time
arrived.  Seth had met a girl that actuallty lasted longer than 2 months,
and then 4 months and then 6 months, and then inevitably, he announced that
he was going to marry her.  It was my biggest fear coming true, there would
be no possible way that I could ever have Seth for me , that door was going
to be officially closed.

A few months before Seth had announced that he was going to propose to her
he had brought her home for dinner to meet the family, and the from the
minute that I shook her hand, and looked into her eyes I got a bad vibe. I
couldn't explain it at the time, but there was an immediate feeling of
`this one isn't good.'  And she got the fact that I picked up on that too,
because she had weird look in her eyes, and I couldn't place my finger on
what it was, whether danger, deception, something.  But what I was
certainly sure of was that it wasn't good.  The question was, what do I do
about it?  Do I go to Seth and tell him that shes no good, don't stick with
this one, she's bad, what? Then again I don't know if it would really make
much of a difference, I basically didn't exist to him as it was.

About a month before the wedding was to occur I was having dinner with my
father down in the East Village when I saw her walk into the
restaurant. Except that it was not with Seth, but with another man.  And in
all honesty that could be harmless, could just be a friend or aquainance,
work person whatever.  But regardless I kicked my father under the table
and whispered,

	"Dad, look over there.  It's Seth's fiance."  He turned and looked
and then back to me and said,

	"So what, she's allowed to have dinner with someone other than your
brother.  What's your point? Just mind your business."

And once again the anger began to build in me, it was if he just didn't
care.  But then, just as I looked up again and over to where she was
sitting, BINGO.  There she was making out with this guy.  My suspicions and
notions were correct. And I once again quickly kicked my father and growled
at him,

	"LOOK NOW."  He once again, turned saw it with his own eyes, stared
for a minute, and then turned back again to me and said again,

		"What the fuck do you want me to do? We can tell him, you
know he won't listen."

At that point I was so angry I had to get up and leave before I exploded
and caused a scene in the restaurant. I quietly got up and started walking
out, and then at the last minute decided that I would go over and say hi.
So I turned back, walked across the restaurant up to her table and said,

	"Hi Jessica! How are you? "The look on her face of absolute shock
was absolutely priceless, a look of which I will never forget for the rest
of my life. As she stumbled on her words to respond, all that came out was,

	"Adam, um hi. What are you doing here?"  I just smiled and said,

	"Oh just having dinner with my father.  Great little place isnt it?
But of course you know that, I'm sure you and Seth have been here many
times. I know he loves it, it used to be our little hang out years ago."  I
turned to the guy, looked into his eyes and saw another look of shock, and
then quickly looked down at her hand. Ahhh, the rock was missing. And now
all of this made sense.  The man sitting here had no idea she was engaged.
I finally just chuckled to myself and said,

	"Well, I'll let you get back to your dinner with your friend, see
you in a few weeks." Winked at her and walked back over to my father, told
him that I was leaving and then walked out of the restaurant with my head
spinning trying to figure out what the hell to do next.



Comments welcome at

Alwaysready123@gmail.com