Date: Tue, 6 Jan 2004 01:09:46 EST
From: RandomThoughts46@aol.com
Subject: Exploring Grounds 6

What you are about to read are true events from my past.  They involve me
and my father.  What you wish to think about these events is solely up to
you, as in my opinion, what happened was educational and appreciated.  All
rules apply, if you do not wish to read the contents of this autobiography,
please turn away, although anything you will read here is not subject to
violations by law or nature.  I am proud to write an account of how I
became sexually responsible in life, due to my dad.  He is gone now, but
remembered with great kindness and affection.  I do not write these
accounts to make anyone horny or fanatical about family sexuality.  Just
enjoy what I have to this day think as my 'Exploring Grounds' of life.

	Nothing seemed sacred anymore, in my family.  I seemed to be the
only one who cared about my dad.  I didn't know what he did during the
times we were apart, and he was never really all that able to express
himself or tell me what he did for fun.  After learning new things about my
mom, I was very hyper active and unwilling to cooperate when at home.
	Many confrontations happened between my mom and I after that one
night in my last installment.  I'd pursued a lot of what I learned, given
the information as was told to me by my father.  I refused to let my dad
take the brunt of my mom's roustabouts.  My mom learned quite quickly that
she couldn't lie to me anymore, or avoid truths.  We grew more distant as
the months passed.  One thing did happen though that I was in later years
grateful for.  I don't know what my dad had said or done that past night,
but I had gone home and told mom I would go to school.  And I did.  I
started late, but I caught up quite quickly.  I was very distant in
socialism with everyone around me, them all being a year or more younger
than myself.  Yet...it finally happened.  My life's first crush on a boy.
	His name was Tod, and from the moment I saw him, a lot of things
woke up in me.  I wanted a lot more things sexually after finding myself
attracted to him.  I wanted to touch, to be touched.  Tod was to be in a
lot of my jack off fantasies throughout high school.  Our class was made up
of only 87 kids.  Tod was one of the three most popular boys.  He was as
tall as me, although I'd grow a few inches more through the years, but he
had dark hair, light blue eyes, a wonderful smile.  I was more academic,
while he was into sports.  We never did really make a friendship; he was
always with his buddies and I would watch him from a distance.  He just
woke everything up in me about sex.  And By eleventh grade, I was very
frustrated.
	Dad kept telling me not to let my sexual preferences be known.  I
perhaps jacked off three to four times in every twenty-four hour day.  Dad
did remember what he said to me that night...about jacking off together.
Here are a few events that occurred within a year after I went back to
school.  And my dad was so very glad I returned to my education.
	Toward the end of ninth grade the next year, there were escalating
problems between my parents.  It was all about me.  My sisters seemed
always to be on the sideline of matters.  I at some point got close with
Trish, though she thought I was favored in many ways.  I don't know why she
thought that, since I always fought with mom and dad wouldn't let me live
with him permanently.
	Apparently, dad was quite proud of my going back to school, and he
also knew how much I loathed living with my mother and sisters.  I to this
day do not know why my mother was so resistant about the summer to come,
but dad fought tooth and nail with mom about my staying with him for the
summer.  In retrospect of events, I think that back when I was twelve, and
only five blocks away, it was all right with her, yet at the time, we had
become cities away from each other.
	Dad won though, because of me.  I had gotten home from school one
day and they were screaming at each other.  Trish was with me.  We were in
the same grade together because of my dropping out the year before.  I
don't remember why Susan wasn't there.  Anyway, Trish hated seeing our
parents fight and ran to her bedroom.  I just walked in between mom and dad
and listened.  In all the screaming and shouting, I finally made my voice
bigger, and I'm sure Trish heard from her own bedroom, what I said.  I
said, "MOM!  Do you want to go to treatment again?"  I was shouting.  "You
keep leaving us alone!  Going out all the time, and sometimes not getting
home until the next day!"  I had gotten furious, thinking about it all.
"Just give me one reason, mom, one reason not to call welfare services the
next time you don't come home."
	It's ironic, actually.  No matter what my mothers' drinking habits
were, she always made sure we had food, a home and clothing.  It
was...weird.
	Mom resigned immediately.  There was no fight from her after that.
I think it was simply because she hated hearing the truth about herself,
and that dad wasn't the bad guy in their divorce.
	At the end of the school year, I went to stay with dad.  He let me
learn about his porn tapes, and let me sit with him to watch.  He only had
three tapes of porn.  It was all straight porn, and I think perhaps he
thought that my seeing men fucking pussy would change me somehow.  Again,
it is all speculation.  It did not change my personal feelings at all, yet
I was quite turned on about sexuality.  And since Tod from school had woken
my feelings about so many things, without him knowing about it, LOL, I
loved this...personal time with dad.
	It was like intoxication without an addiction.  I don't know how
else to describe it.  That first time, dad asked me to join him downstairs
and watch a tape, I sat on the floor, dad on the couch.  Having not seen
porn before, I was instantly hard from the hardcore of sex.  I kept looking
from the TV screen to dad and back again.  Finally, dad put his hand in his
shorts, and started playing with his cock.
	I was already hard, my fruit of the looms tenting quite obviously.
Dad was drinking his cans of beer.  It's what loosened him up about
anything.  At this stage of our relationship, I want to believe that his
inhibitions had left him.  That everything that I'd experienced from him
was okay.  I never underestimated his moodiness though, nor his anger, and
I did not want to provoke him, since he was being so willing to share a lot
with me that I didn't know he felt was a sacrifice.
	So I waited, and while the porn tape was rolling, with a guy
fucking a woman, hearing all the dirty talk and lust and desire coming from
the TV, my dad finally took his shorts off, reached under the couch where I
learned he'd stashed his lube, oiled himself up and just started pumping
away.  I at first didn't do anything myself.  I was simply watching dad get
into it.  He didn't look at me once.  I think I wanted him to look at me,
but he didn't.
	There I was with a torn desire.  I didn't look at my dad sexually,
yet I was seeing him so turned on and into something that at the time I
really couldn't understand.  My own erection, pulsing and obvious, I just
didn't pay attention too.  I was watching my dad be so turned on by things
I couldn't even feel.  He was stroking his lubed cock right there on the
couch.  I had no mind to go toward him, to touch him, to do nothing with
him.  I at some point totally stopped paying any attention to what was
going on with the porn tape.
	Dad shot his load suddenly.  It could have been a moment from the
time I started watching him or hours from then.  I was just intoxicated
with the togetherness, I think.  During all this time, I hadn't even
reached for myself, although after my dad shot his load, I was still hard
in my underwear.  He looked at me shortly after he shot, his eyes tense,
drunk, wondering.  He got up from the couch and exited the wreck room.  I
didn't see him until later the next day.
	At this time, I will say that since I was twelve, I learned the
appreciation of nature.  My dad loved the outdoors; hiking, camping,
fishing on the great lakes and streams.  He tried to always be out there.
During the hot summer months I always enjoyed our hiking trips, being naked
with the exception of our socks and shoes.  Carrying our backpacks over our
shoulders.  My dad didn't like wearing clothing out in the woods.  There
were even times when he hiked without boots, but that wasn't very often,
and only in certain areas.
	The two of us would get hard ons at any time, and we enjoyed it,
loved being free and natural in nature.  Some times we jacked off together,
more my dad then myself.  I remember him once cumming all over the bark of
a fallen tree.  It was like that between us, the feeling of total freedom,
of male sexuality and bonding.
	That next day, after watching porn together the night before, dad
and I spent the day doing odd jobs around the house and yard.  Dad was in
his demanding mode, wanting this and that to get done, and I wasn't in any
position to refuse.  Later that day, when it was time to eat for most
people, my dad didn't offer any eating time.
	Dad wanted to pack up some things around the house that were never
used nor thought about.  Things like kitchen stuff and just things lying
around the house that had no consequence to life.
	All these things he found inconsequential we were packing into
boxes in the hallway.  And all this time that I was helping, begrudgingly
of course, I was thinking thoughts of the past.  While putting things in
boxes, and watching my dad do the same, there were things on my mind.
	I came to a point that I couldn't refuse myself this most daring of
questions.  My dad was taping up a box filled with whatever.  "Dad, did it
feel good when I...you know...sucked your cock?"
	I remember the situation getting tense, my father suddenly looking
at me.  The next thing I knew, he had me pinned against the wall, face to
face, there in the hallway.  The look on his face was so fierce it scared
me.  I was so scared I didn't think he would say anything at all.  I felt
the pressure of his strength push me into the wall as I was seeing his
emotions come through...
	"Rick!"  He said, his voice and meaning of his voice shaking.  "For
me, it isn't about it feeling good!  GOD DAMN IT!"  He screamed so close to
my ear.  I remember him shaking so violently as he held me to the wall with
his muscular arms.  All of a sudden he said, "Rick, I could go to jail for
this, for...for..." He was shaking so badly, I remember.  His hands
released me and he planted the palms of his hands against the wall.
	I had no understanding at all of what he meant, but I saw my father
very scared, and trembling, and not knowing what to do.  I didn't know what
to do either.  I was so scared at that moment that I didn't know what to
do.  My back to the wall, I slid down, my ass hitting the floor.  Dad was
towering over me.
	"Don't touch me!"  Dad said.
	I was at eye level with his crotch.  His jeans were tented.  I
looked up.  I couldn't see his eyes, just under his chin, and he was
quivering.  At best, I could see that he was just staring at the wall
before him.
	Waiting in fear, feeling myself shiver, I was even more curious, I
guess.  Dad said not to touch him, yet I saw the hardness in his crotch.
He had the palms of his hands on the wall above me.  I reached up and felt
his erection through his jeans, and squeezed it.  Dad didn't react one way
or another, so I started unzipping him.
	I pulled his cock out, releasing him, and I immediately put it in
my mouth.  I was hungry for it.  Not my dad's cock, but just a cock.  It
felt great.  Although I looked up my dad's torso and saw him trying to
fight the feeling of his cock in my mouth, he gave in to my needs, I think,
and let me enjoy it.  After exploring my dads cock with my tongue, he
announced..."I'm gonna shoot!"
	I pulled away from his cock and started jacking him, moving to the
side, and he came shot after shot all over the wall, grunting a lot.  I
watched all of this, and got so excited myself that I lost all control.
	Standing up suddenly, I shouted... "DAD!"  I tried to get my pants
undone, but didn't succeed.  Dad put his arm solidly around me as I shot my
load in my underwear.
	After I calmed down from my ejaculation, dad said to me, "Son, I'm
not having any fun with this."
	I was crestfallen.  I didn't know where my priorities were at this
point.  My dad was always so supportive of me.  All of a sudden he jumped
away from me.  There wasn't anything I could do about the matter.
	I went through the next few school years being terrified of who I
was, and my dad was no help to me.  He shared male sexuality with me, he
allowed my exploration of what I believed I needed, yet he at some point
closed me off to certain things.  It was okay for me.  I would endure, and
learn and experience life with such a great understanding.
	My dad did surprise me on two separate occasions, which I will tell
you about in my last installment of my teenage years.

I hope you are all enjoying this all.  Hope to hear from you.
RandomThoughts46@aol.com