Date: Mon, 15 Mar 2010 09:48:31 -0400
From: J K <imawriter123@gmail.com>
Subject: Funny things happen part 11

"Funny Things Happen" Part 11

Comments welcome at: imawriter123@gmail.com

I continued to sit there for a few minutes trying to process and reprocess
what had been said to me, but I knew if I kept doing that I was going to
drive myself insane.  He said it as a son loving his father, nothing more.
And with that, I got up walked out of his room and headed for the garage.

Given that there were only 3 of us and Josh wanted to take his car up to
school with him, one of us was going to have to drive solo.  Mark being the
wonderful man that he is, quickly offered to drive his truck solo so that
the 2 of us could drive together in Josh's car. As we set off, Josh and I
sat in the car in silence, it was almost a repeat of one of our legs on our
trip from Florida to California.  I had to say something, I didn't know
what, but I was afraid to start the conversation because I knew that I
would just break out in tears. Luckily I didn't have to.  Josh turned to me
and said,

	"Dad, promise me something?"  I just looked at him and said,

	"Of course, anything."

	"Dad, promise me that you are going to allow yourself to really
enjoy yourself and your life, and love for Mark.  Just do it, let it
happen, he loves you more than anything, and would bend over backwards and
upside down for you if he could.  I'm going to be out of the picture now,
there's no distraction anymore.  Please let yourself relax and truly enjoy
what it is that you deserve and have right in front of you.  Will you do
that for me? Please?"

He didn't have to say it out-loud he knew how I felt about him. But that's
really no surprise, he's been able to read me like a book forever.  This
was his way of saying `get over it', the joke is, I've tried to get over
it, for so many years I've tried and failed each and every time, if
anything my love for him only got stronger.  But in a way he was right, he
was technically going to be out of the picture, I would no longer have it
staring me in the face every day.  And on the same token, I've never been
able to say no to him, any promise I ever made to him I've kept.  So what
could I say other than,

	"I'll try Josh, I really will.  Just realize it's not that easy to
just turn feelings off like a light switch, especially if they have existed
for so many years."  He just looked at me with one of his smiles and said,

	"I know dad, I know.  But I also know that you can do it, look what
you have accomplished over the years, what you have overcome and what you
have created and built up.  Look at the man that you love so much and that
loves you back just as much if not more.  Just let yourself have it and
enjoy it.  You deserve it, every bit of it."

It's funny I basically just got `dumped' from a relationship that I never
had to begin with.  But it did answer most of my questions.  Yes he did
know how I felt, probably for as long as he could understand these types of
things, and second he wasn't gay, and third even if by some wild chance
that he was or was even bi, the feelings I had for him were not returned.
It hurt, but it was the final reality, it was a relationship not to be had.
I did the very best that I could to hold back the tears, but no matter what
I did, it didn't work, they just started flowing down my face.  How
pathetic was this? Here I am crying over losing a relationship with my son
that I never had to begin with.  He pulled the car over to the side of the
highway, leaned over and hugged me as tight as he could and just whispered
in my ear,

	"Just remember, I love you and support you and I know that you can
do this and enjoy your life the way that you've always wanted to.  You're
going to do it, and I'm here to support and root for you in every way
possible."

I finally regained my composure, and then had a crazy idea.  This was most
likely the last chance I was ever going to get to do something that I had
always wanted to.  And if I didn't act now, I would probably never get the
chance to do it again.  He was still holding on to me, and I turned to him
and looked directly into his eyes, gave him the glare that he always gave
me, I knew that I had to kiss him.  It could ruin everything that we had as
father and son, as friends, as everything, but I HAD to do it.  I grabbed
both sides of his face and pulled them into mine, our lips touched, my
tounge ran across his lips praying that they would open and allow me entry.
Slowly to my delight, they did I got to explore the inside of his mouth, it
was the most incredible moment of my life, something that I had dreamed of
for so many years, something that I never thought would happen.  But too
soon after that revelation, our lips parted, and he was back in the
driver's seat and already pulling back onto the road.

The final 3 hours of the drive to Stanford was in total silence. Neither of
us looked at each other or said a word.  I don't know what I just did, but
it didn't have the reaction that I was hoping for.  Then again I'm not
really sure what reaction I was looking for, I just felt that I had to do
it at that point otherwise I wouldn't have had any other chance again, and
I don't think that I would have forgiven myself if I hadn't done it.  He
didn't seem angry with me, or hurt, or upset.  At the moment it seemed more
like indifference than anything else, which honestly I didn't like at all.

We finally pulled into the parking lot of the dorms, where there were
hundreds of students and parents running around d trying to get from one
place to the other, Josh finally found Mark standing in an empty parking
space next to his truck waiting for us to get there.  We he saw us pulling
in a smile came across his face, one that melted me almost as much as
Josh's did, and said,

	"What the hell happened to you two? You were right behind me for
almost the whole time and then disappeared and neither of you answered your
phones."  Josh walked up to him and said,

	"So sorry Mark, I wasn't feeling so well, had to pull over and let
my stomach settle, pre-college jitters I guess.  I'm going to run over to
the RA's office and get the keys to my room, I'll be right back."

I watched him run off across the campus area, and continued staring at him
until I could no longer see him in the distance.  I felt a hand on my
shoulder and heard Mark say,

	"He can keep a straight face when he talks, you can't.  What
happened?"  I just looked at him and burst into tears.  One thing I had
never told Mark about, were my true feelings for Josh, what he really meant
to me.  And at this point I knew that I had to, he was right when I was in
a state like this I have no control.  I just fell into his arms and told
him the abbreviated version,

	"Hun, I want you to know that I have never kept anything from you.
I have told you every truth about myself, have never in my life told you
one lie.  But there is one thing that has never left my mouth to one soul,
not one. It's," But before I even had the chance to finish the sentence, he
put his fingers over my lips and looked into my eyes,

	"David, I know you've been in love with Josh, I've known that for a
long time.  It's been written all over your face from the day I met you.
At first I didn't know who it was with, but that Saturday morning, when I
saw the two of you together in the kitchen I knew who it was.  And before
you even think it, no it doesn't bother me at all, quite the contrary, I
think it's one of the most beautiful things I've ever seen.  It was just
another one of the many qualities that you have that drew me to you.  The
only thing that bothers me is that you couldn't get to what you ultimately
wanted.  And if I could have or could help you get it, I would in a
heartbeat.  So, now that you know I know, what happened?"

I just looked at the man in front of me.  How in god's name did I deserve
this person? Here is someone who l love, and loves me back even knowing
that I'm in love with someone else.  I really was a blessed man, and yet I
am still being a selfish person because I want more.  I finally told him,

	"In the car, Josh, in so many words, told me that he knew how I
felt about him, and asked me to move on, and let go.  To go and enjoy my
life with you the way that I deserve and you deserve to have me.  And I
promised him that I would, but then I did one stupid thing, and I think
that it ruined everything.  I grabbed his face and kissed him.  I don't
know what made me do it, but I did.  He didn't pull away but didn't do
anything back, and then we just pulled apart, and he hasn't said a word to
me since.  Hasn't even looked at me.  Oh Mark, I was so stupid, I ruined
everything he and I had."

In the middle of the parking lot, his arms were wrapped around me as I
sobbed into his chest and he whispered to me,

	"Everything is going to be fine.  He loves you and will not leave
it like that.  Give him a chance to breathe for a bit.  It was a huge thing
that you did, and who knows maybe it will change things for the better.
Just give him a chance to react and breathe on his own for a bit.  And you
know you aren't alone either way.  Just take it easy and relax, we got a
lot of work to do too!"  I guess the man was right, Josh wouldn't leave it
like this, he just needed to breathe, hell I needed to breathe too.

As we stood there, I didn't realize that Josh had come back until I heard
him say,

	"OK got the keys, my building is just over there, and I got lucky,
I got a single room!"

As I turned my head to look up at him, he gave a quick glance and then went
over to the truck to start taking boxes up to his room.  I looked at Mark,
with a face that must have looked like pure hopelessness.  I'm not so sure
this was a `just needs time' kind of thing.  I think I fucked it all up
just because I was a selfish bastard that lusted for my son.  But once Josh
had run off again, Mark picked up my chin and said,

	"Trust me, everything is going to be fine, give him some time. I'm
promise you, he'll come around."

As much as I wanted to believe him, I just couldn't.  Josh had never been
like this with me, in the 18 years that he's been alive he has never taken
such an indifferent attitude with me.  In all honesty it scared the hell
out of me, all because I had to kiss him.  As the three of us carried boxes
back and forth from the truck to his room, he just refused to speak or even
look at me.  Granted I didn't try to either, but at this point I didn't
think that I had the right to do so, I apparently crossed a line that I
should not have, and this was what I was left with.

Finally, after about 3 hours of work, the last box was unpacked, I was
standing in the corner of his dorm room watching Mark help him put together
a night table that we had bought him.  It was such a beautiful sight,
seeing the two of them working together.  I thought back many years ago to
when he was a little boy playing with his toys, he looked just angelic now
as he did then.  I was suddenly shaken out of my trance when Mark touched
my shoulder and said to me,

	"You ok love?  We're all done here."  I just looked at him and
smiled, well tried to smile and then looked back over to Josh who was
already on the phone talking to one of his friends, and I just said to
Mark,

	"Come on lets go, he's all set up and already beginning his new
life."  And as I turned to walk out the door Mark grabbed my arm and said,

	"Don't you dare walk out of this room without talking to him.  You
will never forgive yourself and neither will he.  I'll meet you
downstairs."  And with that he let go of my arm went over to Josh gave him
a hug and kissed him on the cheek, said good bye, gave me a look and then
walked out of the room leaving Josh and I standing there in silence.  I had
no idea what to say at this point, what could I say? I opened my mouth to
speak, but nothing came out. Finally, Josh spoke,

	"Dad, don't worry about it.  We're fine, I promise, I love you and
couldn't ask for a better father or best friend.  And I meant everything I
said in the car, and I expect you to keep your promise to me.  You are
going to walk out of here, and give all your love and energy to Mark.  I'm
not there anymore to distract you or hold you back.  Give him what he
deserves and what you deserve as well. Got it?"

I just looked at him, smiled and walked over to him and pulled him into a
tight hug, his arms came around me and hugged me back just as tight.  As I
let go of him and pulled back, I looked into the eyes that melted me so
many times over the years and just said,

	"I will, and you be a good boy, and don't get yourself into too
much trouble.  And remember we're only a phone call and a few hours away
anytime day or night, call if you need to."  He just smiled at me and
nodded his head.  I kissed him on the cheek and turned to walk out the door
of his room, and at the last second turned back to look at him and said,

	"Josh I love you.  I love you more than you could ever imagine, and
all I want for you is to be happy in every possible aspect."  He smiled and
said,

	"I know you do Dad, trust me I do, and that means more to me than
you could ever imagine, now get going, and call me when you get back home.
And remember, I love you too."

I smiled back at him and then just walked out, shutting the door behind me.
I felt as if I had just shut the door on a part of my life that I wanted so
badly but obviously couldn't have.  But at least it was all out, he knows
how I feel about him.  I finally said it flat out, he knows and made clear
that he may love me back but not in the way that I want it.  So that was
it, and I walked down the hall to the elevator with a terrible feeling
inside me as if a piece of me had just died.

When I finally got downstairs and walked out of the building I found Mark
waiting for me by the door, I looked at him and into his eyes, and then
just collapsed into his arms and started bawling.  He kissed me on the head
and almost carried me back over to the truck.  I guess I was a pretty sad
sight and shouldn't be seen in public.  After he got me into the front seat
and then went over to his side, he took my hand turned my face towards his
and said,

	"So you talked to him? Everything ok?"  I just looked at him and
said,

	"Yea I talked to him, and I guess it's all OK.  He seems perfectly
fine, smiled told me not to worry and I should keep my promise to him.
Hugged and kissed me on the cheek and then I walked out.  But Mark, I feel
like I just ended a part of my life, I love him so much, and I love you and
I feel as if I'm just tossing him away, but I don't even know why because
he's never wanted me that way anyway.  Uggh, I'm so exhausted from the
whole damn thing, I just want to go home and go to sleep."  He just laughed
at me and said,

       "Well yes I'd like to go home too, however if you haven't noticed,
the sun is long gone and it's almost 9:30pm, so we're going to stay in a
motel for the night and then we'll drive home tomorrow morning."  I just
looked into his beautiful eyes and at his beautiful smile and just melted.
I really didn't hear a word he was saying, I didn't have the physical or
mental energy to comprehend it.  I just smiled and nodded.