Date: Tue, 4 May 2010 09:50:23 -0400
From: J K <imawriter123@gmail.com>
Subject: Funny things happen part 16

Funny Things Happen: Part 16
Comments welcome at: imawriter123@gmail.com

I stood there at the foot of the bed staring at him again, just looking
into his eyes. I wanted to see in as far as I could, I wanted to read his
soul, see and feel what he was thinking and feeling.  But I didn't feel as
if I was getting that far, maybe he was in too much pain or bruised too
much to let it happen. Regardless I just stood there staring at him until I
heard Mark speaking and say,
	"I'm going to grab some more coffee, David you want any?" I shook
my head no, and he walked out of the room.  He didn't ask Josh since well,
he couldn't open his mouth enough to eat solid foods or even drink, was
just working through a feeding tube at the moment.  But I knew what Mark
was doing for real. I got it from the way that he looked at me before he
left. He was leaving us alone for a bit, which was good and bad at the same
time, since I knew myself, I was right back to where I was 6 months ago,
madly in love with the man laying front of me.  Every ounce of energy that
I had put into moving past it, and being able to deal with it on a normal
level had been thrown to the way side. I was back to I want, I want, I
want.  As I was sitting there thinking all of this I got a slight tap on my
leg, and I looked up at Josh and into his eyes again.  These were again
different eyes that I had seen earlier, they were trying to tell me
something, I just didn't know what, and then I looked down at the paper.
	"I love you too." My heart near stopped. I very slowly lifted my
head and looked directly back into his eyes and paused. I wasn't sure what
to say, do I ask `what do you mean?' or `What do you remember?' I had no
idea, I was in total shock.  I was about to say something , but the nurse
walked in and said,
	"Hey there tiger, time to pump you up." I wasn't sure I wanted her
to do that yet, I know that morphine makes you loopy, and now we were at
the beginning of a very serious conversation, and I was afraid that I
wasn't going to get a real answer. But before I could do anything, I got a
very tight squeeze, looked back at Josh and he pushed a paper at me that
said,
	"NO drip yet" And I immediately told the nurse don't start it
yet. She looked at me and then over at Josh and he just shook his head no,
and she shrugged her shoulders and said,
	"OK, just let me know when, and I'll come back and start it." And
walked out of the room.  I looked back at him and said,
	"Do you remember what happened? Or better yet, what is the last
thing you remember?" He didn't do anything, didn't write, just stared back
at me, and then did what looked like a reluctant `'sigh" and wrote,
	"Going to store to get food for boyfriend." Well there was shock
number one.  I now knew he was gay. I quickly looked back at his face,
still a completely straight, almost emotionless expression, and then wrote
again,
	"Surprised?"  I just looked at him, once again unsure what to say
at this juncture.  In a way I was a little surprised, but on the same
token, not really.  There were subtle signs of it along the way that he was
at the very least bisexual.  And I finally said all I could think at that
point,
	"It doesn't matter, right now all that I care about is you getting
better." And then something else clicked in my head, and I asked him,
	"If you have a boyfriend, where is he? " And as I was asking that,
tears started to fall from his eyes.  I realized he had something to do
with this and I mumbled under my breath, `I'll kill him'.  But I got a
tight a tight squeeze again and saw a look of fear on his face and he
quickly scribbled on the paper,
	"NO, not him. Leave alone."  Now I was confused, and I said,
	"OK we will, but remember I love you, more than anything in the
world, always have always will. And I'll do anything you want." Just as I
finished saying it, I realized that was a very dangerous statement that I
had just made.  But it was true, I would do anything he asked or wanted me
to, without a second thought. It was at this point, that I could see the
grimacing on his face, the pain was getting him.  I looked at him, and
said,
	"Time for the morphine?" He looked back at me and nodded his head.
I went out to get the nurse to tell her he wanted the drugs, and found Mark
sitting over in the family waiting area reading a paper and then realized
that he had never come back in.  I looked at my watch and realized that it
had been almost two hours that I had been in there alone with him.  I
walked over and sat down next to Mark and he looked at me and said,
	"So, you two talk?"  I suddenly realized he knew a lot more than I
did. (how shocking) I looked at him and said,
	"Sort of, we didn't really say much, just stared at each other.  He
said he loved me too, and then I asked him what he remembered before the
incident.  But other than that, we just stared at each other."  Marked just
looked at me as if I was an alien, and then said,
	"For over two hours that's all you got out? " And then he paused
for a minute and said,
	"Oh shit, you didn't get it, did you?" I then realized what he was
saying, but I shot back and said,
	"I heard what he said, but I don't want it that way.  I don't want
it to come from him because of an accident like this." I couldn't believe I
just said that. But it was true, I wanted it for real, not by accident,
because then if there came a point if some memory came back, he'd might
realize that he didn't want any of it, and we'd both end up hurt. And that
was the last thing any of us needed at that point. But Mark was just
shaking his head, but he too I think got it.  And once again I fell into
his arms in tears not knowing what to do really. I finally lifted my head
and looked into Mark's eyes and said,
	"Mark, what if it is that? What happens if that's really what he
means and wants? What do we do? How does this work?  I love him so much but
I love you just as much. You have been the most wonderful person and the
best thing that ever happened to me and Josh, I would be no where without
you, I just," And before I ever had the chance to finish that sentence he
put his hand over my mouth and said,
	"David, let's take it one step at a time. But remember what I told
you a long time ago.  I don't care about the `way' we are. I love you no
matter what.  If you got the ability to live out your lifelong dream, to
get what it is that you have wanted for such a long time, do you think I
would stand in your way? Not at all, I agree, it would be a bit of an odd,
situation in how things would pan out, but we'll figure it out somehow.  So
don't worry about it.  At the moment, our primary goal is to get our son on
the mend and back home."  He always knew the right thing to say, always was
able to make me calm down and understand and at least try to think
rationally.  How could I even conceive of leaving him to go to something
else?  Simple, as much as I hated myself for thinking and feeling it, I
couldn't help it. I loved Josh more, and if I had that opportunity or
ability I would jump on it in a heartbeat.  As the days began to pass, it
was obvious that everyone's predictions about Josh getting better and
bouncing back quickly were all wrong.  His leg wasn't setting right, the
bruises didn't seem to be clearing, all of the bandages were still there,
and even after almost 3 weeks he still could not speak. We had been warned
that there was no guarantee that he would regain everything, but this was
becoming more along the lines of nothing, than everything.  Even after just
a few hours of spending time with him, it was obvious when he started to
feel weak and needed to rest.  And it hurt me even more to see him in pain,
and struggling so much. And every time I go to ask a doctor why it is that
he really didn't seem to be healing, I always got the same answer,
	"We don't really know why, but you have to remember, he is lucky to
be alive let alone cognitive and able to communicate.  His body was hurt
badly it's going to take time." Although every time I heard that, I
continued to have a pit in my stomach telling me that I wasn't getting the
whole picture, something was missing here.  I finally turned to Mark and
said,
	"What aren't they telling us?  None of this makes any sense, he's
barely making any progress at all and it's been over 3 weeks.  Tell me or
find out, I don't think I have the energy to push anymore."  He nodded, and
then walked away.  And it was also true, I was exhausted myself. I had
spent countless hours with Josh, just sitting and having small talk.  I
don't think either of us really knew how to `speak' to each other anymore,
the vibe emanating was just so odd.  The decision was finally made that it
was safe to remove some of the bandages around his head, what I saw in
front of me, was just so sad, I didn't realize how much surgery had been
done, the amount of scars , where his head had been shaved, it almost
looked fake, as if he had been made up for a movie, but unfortunately it
was real.  It was at that point that I just fell into the chair and broke
into to tears.  It hurt so much to see that.  To see your own flesh and
blood, looking like that, is as if someone were taking knives and throwing
them into your chest.  I felt hands on my shoulders, and then heard a
whispering in my ears,
	"David, I know it looks bad, but remember it's a good thing.  They
feel his strong enough and OK enough to take the bandages off.  You have to
remember that."  And for the first time ever, I pushed him away, and said
in a mean tone,
	"Go away Mark, please just leave me alone. I want to be in here
with him alone." I knew he was only trying to help, but I didn't want it, I
just wanted to be alone with my son.  He didn't say anything, just got up
and walked out closing the door behind him.  I sat for a moment with my
head in my hands, and then looked up to find eyes staring directly at me,
no into me.  Interestingly enough I had made the decision at that moment,
that I didn't care what happened going further, I was going to verbally
tell him how I felt.  It could be a disaster, but I didn't care I had to do
it.  But before I got up myself to walk over to the bed, Josh motioned with
his finger that he wanted me to come over to him.  I slowly got up and
walked over to the side of the bed next to him, and he took my hand in his
and then pulled me down so that we were face to face, and for the first
time in almost a month, he whispered,
	"Say what you want now" My face lit up like you could not believe I
wanted to jump for joy, do cartwheels, but before I could do anything, he
squeezed my hand again and said,
	"Tell me now." His face was not of smile or happiness but of a
stern and serious look. I've seen that look before and I knew what it
meant.  I finally swallowed hard, and said,
	"Josh, I'm in love with you. I have been for years.  I know it's a
sick thing, and this should not be between a father and son.  And I have
tried for so long to not have those feelings, to do everything I could to
make them go away. But no matter what I did, they only ended up getting
stronger.  I found Mark, he has been the most wonderful loving and caring
man, who has done everything, he's everything and more than anyone could
want in a partner and I am blessed to have him.  But he's missing one
thing.  And that's the fact that he's not you.  No matter what, my heart
has and always will belong to you.  So there you have it."  He just stared
at me, no movement, no expression I just a long deep stare. And again,
whispered,
	"I love you too." I wasn't really sure how to take that, it really
just sounded like a plain old statement until, I felt myself being pulled
in closer, lips touching mine, tongue licking across, his mouth slowly
opening, as mine followed suit.  It felt like hours but probably wasn't
more than a minute that it happened, but when it ended, I almost fell
backwards. I was dizzy and confused and then elated all in one.  And when I
looked back at him, and into his eyes, I saw a smile, and loving eyes, but
eyes of lust.  And then I saw tears running down his face, and admittedly
they were running down mine as well.  He motioned for me to come back close
to him again and as I walked over, he pulled me in again and said,
	"Yes I mean it, I do love you, like you do me."