Date: Wed, 19 May 2010 08:52:39 -0400
From: J K <imawriter123@gmail.com>
Subject: Re: Funny things happen part 17

Funny things happen -- Part 17
Comments welcome at imawriter123@gmail.com

I stood there frozen in place, replaying what had just been said to me,
over and over again in my head. It wasn't until he squeezed my hand that I
looked back at his face and into his eyes that I saw something I hadn't
seen in a long time.  And that was the beginning of a signature smile of
Josh.  But on the same token I could see how much pain he was in, and what
it took to do that.  And I could see that they had lowered the morphine
dosage, and I just looked back at him and said,

	"Do you want me to get you some more drugs? I'll run and get the
nurse." He shook his head no -- always the trooper.  He again squeezed my
hand and pulled me down to his face and whispered,

	"I'm sorry I put you through this. I don't remember much just bits
and pieces. Out get something for boyfriend, then falling, and then
here. Daddy, you look terrible, go home sleep." I guess no one told him
where he was location wise. I looked at him with a slight smile and said,

	"As much as I'd like to, but wouldn't anyway, home is very far
away." He looked at me funny and I continued, "Josh, you were found up in
San Francisco, you've been in here almost a month, it's now mid
November. Oh and by the way a belated happy birthday."  And then with an
odd expression on he said,

	"Dad, where's home?  How old am I? When was my birthday?"  Now I
had to hold back my tears so as not to frighten him, but I was beginning to
realize that the memory loss was greater than had been thought.  I just
stood there looking at him, my attempts to hold back the tears were
failing, I could feel the wetness on my face.  He squeezed my hand again
and said,

	"I'm sorry that I don't remember. I'm trying but I can't," I
quickly shot back,

	"NO, don't be sorry.  It's not your fault and I'm not mad at you at
all.  You will get your memory back it will just take some time.  And I'm
going to be here with you every step of the way.  Now, to answer your
questions.  Home is in San Diego, you turned 18 this year, and your
birthday was on October 19th.  Do you remember any of that?"  He just
looked at me with a sad face, and slowly shook his head no. So then I
decided to try a little closer in time and asked,

	"Do you remember where you go to college?"  He thought for a minute
and said,

	"Stanford" I took a sigh of relief, maybe it was just his long term
memory that had been damaged.  But in thinking about that, that was worse
than short term because he'd have to learn everything over again.  I was
going to ask more questions, but I could see that he was starting to get
tired and weak again, and I didn't want to push any further now.  So I
looked at him and said,

	"Time for you to rest I'll be here when you wake up." He nodded his
head, and I leaned over to kiss him on the forehead, but he pulled my shirt
down and brought his lips to mine again, kissed me and whispered in my ear
again,

	"I love you" I smiled said the same thing back, and then thought,
`who the hell could I tell about this?  Should I?'  So I figured let me not
worry about that now, and said,

	"Should I tell Mark to come in for a minute, just let him hear you
speak, it would make him so happy, and then we'll let you rest, and come
back a little later."  He smiled and nodded.  I let go of his hand and as I
walked towards the door, I felt his eyes follow me, and as I looked back he
had a smile on his face that lit up the room, and made me feel that, there
was still a lot of him still in there, just had a find a way to bring it
back.

	I went over to the waiting area and saw Mark sitting there reading
a paper.  I slowly walked over to him and tapped him on the shoulder, and
he too, looked up at me with somewhat of a blank face and I just said,

	"I'm so sorry, I just lost it I didn't mean to be so mean."  He
just took my hand and kissed it, smiled and said,

	"Don't worry about it, I understand.  How are you doing?"  I looked
at him, smiled and said,

	"I'll tell you in a minute but first, someone wants to see you."
His face lit up and he almost jumped out of the chair.  We walked back into
to Josh's room I stood at the foot of the bed as he went over to the side
and said,

	"Hey tiger, how you feeling?" Josh shot me a questioning look,
which I understood of, `Did you tell him?'  I quickly shook my head no, and
he then turned looked up at Mark pulled him down to eye level, kissed him
on the cheek and again in a whisper (which I realized was as loud as he
could go at this point) and said,

       "I'm ok muscle man. "  I saw Mark's face light up like a ray of
sunshine, and then the tears start to fall.  He looked back at me, and I
just smiled and nodded.  He turned back to Josh, to have him whisper in his
ear, low enough that I couldn't hear it, and then let out a laugh, and
nodded his head. He stood back up kissed Josh on the head, and said,

       "You get some rest we'll be back later, and if you need something
don't be afraid to ring that bell, the nurses have been warned." Josh
nodded his head and then closed his eyes.  I stood at the edge of the bed
just watching him sleep, what I saw in front of me brought back memories
from when he was a little boy napping in his bed minus all of the crap
connected to him.  He looked so sweet and so innocent it was just
beautiful.  Finally Mark took me by the hand and we walked out of the room
and into the hallway where he stopped and turned to look at me and said,

       "So what's wrong? He's talking seems cognitive, what's not right?"
I looked at him, and said,

       "There's much more memory loss than we thought.  He had no idea
where he lives, how old or when his birthday was.  I think a lot of his
long term memory is gone, and I'm scared.  I get the feeling that there's a
lot more damage than we think."  Mark just looked at me, and I know he
could see the fear in my face that finally had come loose and he pulled me
in for a hug and said to me,

       "Maybe so, but he's alive and he knows who we are, and that he loves
you.  Everything else is tangible.  His body can be reconditioned and made
better than ever, and his memory can maybe be jogged, or we'll help him
along the way.  He's going to be fine."  I just looked up at him, and tried
to believe him, but it was a very difficult thing to do.

As more days and weeks passed, Mark and I had both intended on taking
indefinite leave of absences from work but after 3 months, neither one of
us was going to be able to do it anymore.  And we now came to a crossroads
as to what to do with Josh.  Even after all this time, his improvement has
only been minimal, his memory had really never returned -- he was able to
retain new information but past was just not possible. Physically, his
bones had reset, but were still weak , and even with intense physical
therapy there really did not seem to be much progress, in his abilities.
The question was, does one of us give up our job and go back down to San
Diego, both give up our jobs? Or try and move Josh back down to San Diego
to a facility that was somewhat less equipped than here in San Francisco.
Really, there was only one option that made sense and that was to move him
back down to San Diego.

Once getting him back down to San Diego, we initially tried to get him to
get in home treatment, where there would be someone there for the time Mark
and I were at work, and then we would do it at night.  And we tried it out,
but it became apparent that even with him eating normally he still needed
the IV lines, still couldn't walk by himself even with only wearing knee
and foot braces, his muscle tone never came back, and Mark and I just
couldn't do it by ourselves at home. Neither of us slept for more than a
few hours a night, if that.

We flew in physician, after physician, specialist after specialist, no one
could figure out why it was that he was stuck at this point and that
nothing was working.  It had already been 6 months since the incident
happened, and one night I was standing outside of Josh's room taking a
`breather' and as one of the specialist's we had flown in was walking by me
to go into his room, I grabbed his arm and pulled him back, looked at him
straight in the face and said,

	"He's never going to get any better is he?"  There was silence for
a few minutes, and then he finally said,

	"No, he's not. After all this time, and all that's been done,
nothing has changed. I don't think he'll move any further than this. I'm so
sorry.  But one thing I can tell you, in most cases, most people would have
given up a long time ago, and certainly without the time and energy and
effort you have put in, he never would have gotten as far as he has."  And
then he just walked away and into Josh's room. I stood there processing
what had been said to me, it really was no surprise, I knew that's what the
answer was going to be, it was just a painful confirmation of it. This was
the way that life was going to be from now on.

I finally pulled myself together, wiped the tears off my face and made my
way into Josh's room.  As I slowly walked in the doctor was just finishing
up his morning routine, and I stood at the end of the bed just staring into
Josh's eyes.  He stared back at me with almost a look of desperation and
despair and as the doctor walked out I moved over to the side of the bed
took Josh's hand in mine kissed it and looked deeply in his eyes and into
his soul and he just quietly said,

	"I'm never going to get any better am I.." I looked back at him,
really not knowing what to say.  The physicians had all said no.  I wanted
to say `maybe' but even at this point I had a hard time believing that.
And I quietly said back,

	"The doctor's don't think so, but that's no reason to stop trying.
You never know what can happen."  I couldn't come up with anything other
than that, there really wasn't anything else to say than that.  He just
looked away from me, and then down at himself, except I saw somewhat of a
different expression on his face that I had never seen before.  I was
puzzled, and asked him,

	"What's wrong baby?" Wow, I just called him `baby', I don't think
I've ever done that before, even all the time he was home after we admitted
our love for each other I had never called him that. Actually felt nice.
But without, looking me in the eyes he said,

	"I'm sorry I've done this to the two of you.  It was selfish and
unfair and wrong.  I didn't think anything like this would happen. I'm so
sorry."  At this point tears were streaming down his face, now I was
totally confused.  And I just looked at him and said,

	"What do you mean?  This isn't your fault. You didn't do anything
to us."  And he slowly shook his head no, and then said something that near
killed me right there.

	"I did do it, I remember what happened, I always have.  I never
said anything and played that I didn't because I thought I'd get better and
be able to come back from this.  But I guess I can't, and now you have to
know it all."  I stood there absolutely dumbfounded as he went on,

	"I went to an underground `fight club' where I knew that I'd
lose. I knew that I would get hurt, and I would need help, and that you
would come running like you did. And I knew that it would be a long
recovery -- long enough that Mark wouldn't be able to take it anymore and
then leave, and I could have you all to myself, and in that way you
wouldn't have to ask Mark to leave.  But it didn't work, he never left, and
really I should have known that. But I guess I didn't think enough about
it, and now I've become an invalid, that neither one of you can handle or
deal with.  Hell, I can't deal with it anymore. And I don't want to nor am
I going to an.."  I stopped him right there, and said,

	"DON'T YOU EVEN DARE SAY THE REST.  You are not doing a damned
thing, I don't care if I have to sit here 24/7.  You aren't pulling any
shit like that.  Because you know why?  You do that, and I'm going with
you.  You want that? Want me to kill myself too?"  I saw a look of shock on
his face, and I said again,

	"That's right buddy, you do it I'm going right along with you.  You
think Mark gets hurt if I asked him to leave or you killed yourself?  Think
about what it would do if were both to do it."  I was almost yelling at
that point, after all this I wasn't going to let him do anything like that.
But at the same time, I didn't know what to do or say either. I looked at
him and said,

	"Listen to me, you love me, I love you, what you did was nuts, and
you should have known that all you ever had to do was just say `be mine'
and I would have.  But what's done is done.  This is where we are and what
we have to deal with.  Remember a few months ago while you were in the
hospital and I told you that I would do anything you wanted me to?  Well I
still mean that, but only up to a certain point and you know what I mean."
And it was only killing himself.  But then I thought, what if he asked me
to tell Mark to leave?  Could I do that?  The answer was simple, not east
but simple.  Yes, I could and I would.  How I would be able to handle
everything on my own going forward, I didn't know, since Mark was and is
huge part of his care.  He gave up everything that he did outside of his
normal job, all the personal training he used to do on the side, even gave
up his plans to open his own gym. Just so that I could keep everything with
my own and not have to cut any more hours than I already had.  And now I
was ready to ask him to leave if I had to?  Yes I was.  I looked back at
Josh and said,

	"What do you want? What do you want or need me to do?" As he stared
into my eyes and I back into his, and he very quietly said,

	"Help me get out of bed."

It was at that moment that I started to wonder whether or not things were
as bad as they seemed with him.  But then again, even if his memory wasn't
as bad as it seemed, physically you really can't fool a doctor that
much. Could you?  I looked back at him, put my hand out for him to take
hold of as he sat up in bed, but instead of holding onto it he grabbed it
tightly and pulled me further up on the bed. At this point my face was only
inches from his, I could feel his breath on my face, and he then took both
sides of my face in his hands and kissed me. First gently, and then within
a split second his toungne was fighting for entrance into my mouth.  I
certainly was not going to deny it that, and my mouth opened and for the
first time I had a part of my son inside me.  The kiss became more and more
passionate that I found my hands around his face matching his every move as
if this first kiss was going to be the last until finally coming up for
air.  I sat backwards almost dizzy from what had just happened, but never
losing sight of his eyes.  We sat there staring at each other in silence,
until I saw his eyes move and his expression change.  I quickly flipped my
head around to find Mark standing there leaning against the door frame.