From: D One <doned88@yahoo.com>
Subject: Giving Thanks
Date: Mon, 30 Nov 1998 04:26:17 GMT

I just got back. The apartment seems different somehow..quieter,
peaceful, calming and my "home". When I left to go home for
Thanksgiving, it wasn't that way. It seemed like a pitstop, a place
where I hid, a hedonistic hideaway and a haven for my secret life.
-
It was there I had sex with my first guy when I was a freshman and
later moved in with him and his roommate. They moved on and I kept the
place. They both were gay and seemed to be as horny as I was....I had
sex with both of them....and often at the same time. Others too were
my partners....there were drug invested orgies...and all night parties
with men / boys doing just about everything I had heard of or see in
porno magazines.
My dorm room roommate introduced me to Frank. They apparently had been
doing it and Frank seemed to know I was gay..even though sex with men
was only a fantasy at the time.
His kiss one cold night told me my virginity was about to end..and
indeed it did that night..orally and anally.
-
That was sometimes ago. After a summer and fall here, I knew it was
THAT time. I had to tell my father I was gay. I decided to do it at
Thanksgiving rather then Christmas. That way, if he kicked me out, I'd
be at home in Boston..in my own place for the holidays..hopfully not
alone. I know that's selfish of me, but I try to think things
out....often too much.
-
Dad and Mom divorced many years ago...they never told me the reason.
And I bounced between her place and his during high school until she
got married. Her new husband didn't like me, so I preferred to live
with Dad..which was cool. He always seemed to want me around.

I didn't know if he'd think that way when I told him I was queer
though. He was always talking about macho stuff, got me to work out,
swim daily, try out for sports and yet, never got angry when I wasn't
too good at them.

My work in high school theater and the choir seemed to be as important
to him as it was to me. He was always there...almost always. And would
shake my hand afterwards then dutifully disappear knowing I wanted to
hang out with my friends. But in the privacy of his house, he'd hug me
and sometimes kiss me too. He said that a fathers love was worth
displaying.

On graduation day, he cried..he hugged me and kissed me in front of my
peers..and I didn't mind ... not at all. I loved him.....and that too
was a reason I was scared to tell him.

But something deep inside me told me that if I were going to accept my
lifestyle, I had to tell him. I guess I needed his approval..or at
least to tell me it was ok. I'm not dumb, being gay in this world
isn't easy..so why make it harder.

OK, those weren't my words..but Frank's. It was the last long
conversation we had before he joined the Navy after graduating from
College. He gave me much advice, lots of sexual experience and this
apartment that I now call my home.

During the past two years, I kept remembering experiences I had during
high school that hinted I was gay..even then...boys I saw which got me
hard, athletic demonstrations that made my gut ache, fellow swim team
members that played grab ass with me in the pool, the secret times
jacking off thinking of my Minister naked. Yes, my minister. He was
always getting the kids in the youth group to form teams in everything
from volelyball to water polo..and we won...sometimes. He looked like
every minister I guess..but in his shorts and tank top, muscles you
never knew he had were seen..so yep, I jacked off thinking of touching
him....everywhere.

It was in church camp that I felt my first cock..meaning someone else's
cock. I came back from the john and saw my bunk mate fiddling with
himself. I sat on the edge of his bed before jumping up to the upper
bunk. He stopped.and I reached to feel him. He pushed me away at first
but I didnt move away. Then he took my hand and put it under the
covers..I felt him hard..his balls...and played with him while I
jacked my cock.

"Bobby and Davie, sitting in a tree...." it was embarassing but the
other guys knew what we did...or at least one did. I punched him so
hard, I was sent home. Dad never knew why...nor did the Minister. But
the kid never mentioned what David and I did that night...at least not
so I knew about it.

The walk from the bus terminal was a long one. It was rainy and
chilly..perfect weather for a pending disaster. I decided to walk
rather then call Dad to pick me up.

"We can have Thanksgiving by ourselves this year" he told me on the
phone which meant we didn't have to go to Mom's. I guessed that meant
she and her new husband didn't want us..and that was ok with me.

I stopped in a bar and drank for hours. Bud the bartender had known me
since I was a little kid. He didn't ask me for my id....which was ok
since I wasn't 21 yet. His warning "closing time kid" got me out on
the wet streets again.

The apartment building loomed down the block. Lights were off so that
meant Dad was in bed. I once sat on the edge of his bed watching him
sleep. I guess I was seventeen then and starting to worry about where
I'd be after graduation. He snored lightly and occasionaly stirred but
settled back again. There was an aroma about him that I remembered
from my youth. I inhaled it deeply and stroked my erection through my
underwear. I lay my hands on his shoulder....he never wore anything in
bed..so I was touching his skin. It excited me....but something more.

I sighed and went to bed that night.....continuing my worries about my
future. Dad never knew I was there the night before or that I kissed
him on the cheek before I left his bedroom.

I quietly opened the door with my key and put my bag on the floor in
what used to be my bedroom. Dad still kept it as my bedroom, though he
put a desk there too. He asked me if it were ok....I agreed of
course..it was his house, I said. "But it's your room" he said telling
me something more.

I heard im snoring. His bedroom door was opened. I peeked inside as I
went to the bathroom, shucking my clothes as I went.

I sighed as my body released my bladder full of processed beer. I
shook my dick....and stroked it awhile. I would probably jack off and
go to sleep. And maybe the next day I'd tell him the news.

I was still naked as I turned the light off and stood outside the
darkness of his room. Inside there was a glimmer of moonlight across
him. His barechest moved with each sleeping breath. His covers were
low enough that I could see the top of his bare hips as well.

Moving inside, I stepped on his discarded underwear and then sat on
the edge of the bed. Quite allot had changed since I sat there two
years ago. I was no longer afraid of the future....though I was more
curious then ever.

I had begun to grow into a man..and knew that sooner or later, I hoped
to introduce to Dad my life partner. But that would happen as long as
he accepted me as I was..a gay...queer...homo....I kissed his cheek as
I had done before and ignored the knot in my stomach.

When I was very little, I had crawled into his bed when the storm
raged, when Mom yelled at me, when schoolwork seemed frightening or
when I felt alone.

I moved under the covers and moved against him..feeling his naked body
pressed against mine. I held my breath as he moved..then breathed
deeply and quickly as his large hairy arms surrounded me and brought
me close.

Perhaps he was dreaming of my Mother or some other bedmate. I didnt'
know and didn't care...I was falling into his grasp....feeling safer
and yet even more scared.

His lips kissed my neck "hi buddy" his whispered voice greeted me. His
fingers pinched a nipple and it felt good.

"I have to tell you something" I sighed

"Tommorrow....just relax" he patted my bare butt.

I turned towards him and touched his chest...feeling its hair..his
flat stomach...his meaty cock..and kissed him everywhere I could.
There was something immoral I knew , but I was being led by a hunger
that I thought I understood..but realized I didn't understand it at
all.

His hands lay on me gently as I sucked his cock....and turned over
pushing my butt against him, asking as I had been taught to ask. And
he complied.....making me beg him loudly.

When we finished...he held me close, stroking my hair, shoulder, back
and I slept.....deeper then I had for days or weeks. And I dont'
remember dreaming.

"OK let's talk" he said the next morning as we lay in bed. He had
returned form the bathroom and didn't hide his nudity as he got back
in bed. That was a change...when I lived there, he would always be
modest around me..and look away if my own nudity were in evidence. But
things had changed...overnight.

I told him everything..and he listened.

"As long as you're happy" he said and squeezed me.

"What about???" I didn't finish the question.

"It's ok, son. It happened...and I can't say I wish it hadn't. We'll
probably not do it again, but never regret it....you expressed your
need and love and so did I. That's a good thing..and when you find the
right guy, you'll do it for that reason again....lucky guy whoever he
will be".

Dad kissed me on the forehead the way he used to when I was a little
boy. He talked to me while I showered about school, life, Mom and even
sex.

We cooked Thanksgiving dinner, and I called some friends to join us.
There were eight altogether...high school firends of mine, friends of
Dad's, and the couple next door.

It was a normal Thanksgiving. And it was over too soon. I hugged Dad
goodbye as I got back on the bus to return to my apartment. It was my
home....the place where I had already begun my life.

I called Dad when I got home..a strange voice answered the phone. It
was one of Dad's friends I had met at Thanksgiving. I fantasized of
course...but was tired and stripped to go to bed..alone..thinking of
big hairy arms surrounding and holding me tight.

And I sighed "goodnight" though nobody was there.