Date: Mon, 3 Aug 2009 17:29:18 -0400
From: Awriter Awriter <awriter1228@gmail.com>
Subject: Love Me For Me

	I sit here writing this contemplating what has caused me to be
where I am at this point in my life, to show proof that this existed --
it will always be in my heart, always be in my mind but I want it on paper
I want it to be as solid and concrete as I know it to be.  I can remember
as far back as being a little boy playing around on the floor of my bedroom
with all of the new toys that that I had just gotten 2 weeks ago for my 8th
birthday (most of which I still have in a box today.)  I can remember
smiling, and laughing, and looking up at my mom and dad as they sat next to
each other on my bed holding each other's hands smiling at each other and
then at me.  It made me feel so warm and good inside that they were happy
and I was too.  And then my mom said to me smiling,

       "Joey, come up here and sit between us for a little while we want to
talk you about something."

       So I immediately jumped up off the floor and into dads lap and said
`yea mom?'  The two of them looked at each other and then down at me and
said "we're so glad that you like all your toys, but we have one last
surprise to give you except that it won't come for another 7 months."  And
I looked at her kinda funny and asked "well what is it?"  She smiled and
laughed and said "well I'm pregnant and in 7 months you're going to have a
younger brother."  I got so excited that I just jumped out of their lap and
actually hit my dad in the jaw.  I was so happy because I was the only one
in my entire class that did not have a brother --whether older or younger
everyone else had one. And now I get to have one too!

	And again as I look back I remember them smiling at each other and
at me and saying how important it was going to be for me to help take care
of him as we grow up and protect him because I was now the big brother.
And again my excitement level rose even higher because now I got to have
more responsibility, and at the same time have someone look up to me!!  The
entire concept really did seem fantastic.  But as the weeks and months
passed and my mom was getting bigger and more pregnant than ever, I
realized that there was one thing that I did not anticipate happening.
Everyone was becoming more and more involved with her and the new baby
coming along that I was starting feel as if I was being left out.  Dad and
I always used to spend so much time together, but now it was rather sparing
-but I understood to some degree, and just figured once my brother was born
it would all go back to normal.

	 Well that day finally came around.  Everyone was so excited,
admittedly so was I. I have to be honest and say that I couldn't wait to
meet my new brother.  From what I remember my mom went into `labor' and my
dad went into superman mode grabbed a suit case and rushed with her into
the car and off to the hospital.  Except that in all the excitement, they
forgot about me.  So there I was, 9 years old and just standing in the
living room staring out the window, not really sure what to do other than
just wait.  So I sat there for a while and no one came back.  They always
taught me, that if I was ever lost or alone I should find a phone right
away and call either them or my aunt.  So I finally went and called my
aunt, but to no surprise she wasn't there.  I again decided that the best
thing to do was make sure the door was locked and go sit by the TV.

	I guess that I must have fallen asleep on the couch, because the
next thing I remember is waking up with a blanket on top of me, which I
know I didn't have before I went to sleep and the TV shut off.  I looked
around and didn't see anyone, and actually for a minute was really scared
that someone had broken into the house-but that didn't really make any
sense.  So I quietly walked upstairs into the kitchen and saw my dad
sitting at the table, and without even thinking just ran to him and gave
him a great big hug.  And all of a sudden I saw him start to cry. I don't
actually think I had ever seen him cry before at least not that I could
remember.  And I asked him what was wrong. And he just said,

	"Joey I'm so sorry I left you here all by yourself I got so excited
with your mom that I didn't even think and just ran.  I want you to know
that I would never do that to you ever."

And I just said "Daddy don't worry I know it was important to get mom to
the hospital, really fast, and you saw I was fine, it made me feel like you
thought I was a grown up that you could leave me here. (which really wasn't
true) so it's ok."  He looked at me with a big smile on his face and said

	"You really are such a good boy.  I can't believe how much you've
grown up and you're only 9! "(and I thought to myself, yea that's true
because you haven't spent any time with me.)  and then he said to me,
"Come on buddy, go get dressed and put your shoes on I'll take you to meet
your new brother!"  So I ran as fast as I could, got dressed and put my
shoes on, and we jumped into the car and off to the hospital to meet my new
brother.

	When we got there, dad took me by the hand and led me into the
hospital room where mom was and she looked so happy and I ran over and gave
her a kiss and asked to see Jeffrey.  So they took me to the nursery and
pointed him out in one of the cribs.  I couldn't believe how big he was,
and wondered how he was actually inside my mom, but there he was.  It was
another 2 days before mom came home with Jeffrey, and over those 2 days,
while I was certainly not `forgotten ` about, but all of the attention was
on Jeffrey.  But once he came home, it became as if I didn't exist.
Everything was centered around him. Now-this is not to say that I was
neglected at all -- it was a matter of just being paid attention to and
spending time with me like before he was born either with Mom or dad.  All
I could remember was Jeffrey this and Jeffrey that, and the only way I
could really get someone to pay real attention to me was if I actually went
and asked for it or needed something.  And all of a sudden, I realized that
all of my excitement was turning into jealousy.

	But the funny thing about it all, was that I was never mad at
anyone for it, not dad, not mom not even Jeff just jealous.  I missed all
the time that Dad and I used to play together or mom would take me to go
shopping with her, (usually, to get something for me, but hey what can I
say).  But all of that just lessened more and more, and then eventually
stopped.  Fast forwarding 3 years I was 12 and going to turn 13 and start
high school, looking back on everything, I realized that over all that
time, I really spent very little time with my family other than when I
needed to.  I mean I couldn't drive yet, and I still ate meals with
everyone, but it just wasn't the same.  Everyone got so excited each time
Jeff did something, like say a word or point to something and smile about
it.  Me? I got A's on a test, won an award for a project, everyone said
congratulations and that was it.

	By the time I started high school I had decided that I was no
longer trying to get any attention I would go about my things just like
they did and that would be it.  I would be the `grown-up' that everyone
claimed me to be.  So that said I went on into high school, looking to find
where I did fit in.  I liked sports, I loved to read, lots of different
things -- so I had to fit in somewhere.  My friend Mark, who I had
already been friends with since middle school convinced me to join the
track team.  I figured what the hell, it took up time, and I always liked
the challenge of trying to be faster or smarter than someone else.  So I
agreed, and went to meet the coach of the team the following day.  I also
decided that once I joined I wasn't going to say anything to anyone, and
see what happened.  Since generally I got home from school every day by
about 430/5.  Now, by joining the track team 3 times a week we had practice
which would keep me out until 730, I wanted to see if anyone would even
notice the difference of me being home later than usual.

	Even with asking to go to the store to buy new sneakers and some
stuff for practice, not to my surprise, for 2 months nobody noticed.  I had
joined the team in October and no one asked me anything about getting home
later or how school was going until Thanksgiving when my Aunt asked me how
everything was and how was school going.  And I thought for a minute as to
what to say.  Do I just say everything is fine? Or do I actually say what's
been going on? Do I tell her that I joined the track team? Do I say I'm on
the honor roll?  And I decided that I was going to test the waters and see
what the response from her would be if I just said that I joined the track
team.  And all I said was "School has been good, busy-lots of home work and
projects, and I joined the track team" And I don't think that what I said
really registered in her head because her only response was:

	"Good for you Joe, I know that you'll do well with everything."
And then she got up and went back to everyone else.

	But now, with all this going on, something was happening with me
that bothered me greatly and I wasn't sure what to do about it, what it
meant or who to ask.  I discovered puberty on my own, I had my questions,
and I asked dad about them and always did get an answer-he never ignored me
completely, but again it wasn't like it used to be when I asked a question
we'd sit down and talk about it for a while-now it was basically just an
answer and that was it.  And the joys of jerking off and all that fun stuff
I learned from my friends.  So really for a while I thought I was doing
pretty well.  But my issue kicked in during my sophomore year, everyone was
already talking about girls and what they wanted to do with them and who
would get to do it first and then get to boast about it.  And being a high
school `jock' as it was called I always went along with it and made the
same jokes and comments that everyone else did.  Except that for me, it was
fake. Completely fake.  Where did my eyes avert to?  The locker room,
either during gym class and even more so before and after track meets where
all the guys were changing and showering.

	All I could look at were other guys and their body's.  I looked at
their asses, looked at their dicks, their chests --everything.  I had to
do everything in my power not to show that I would get hard from looking at
them.  Trust me -- it wasn't easy.  Granted I already knew what it meant
-- I knew that it meant I was gay, but I also knew that being found out
that you were gay was a disaster-for any high school kid.  But there was no
denying it, I wanted nothing to do with girls, just guys, and I so wanted
to talk to someone about it, just to get my feelings out and not have to
keep it such a secret.  And normally there would be one person that I would
trust to do it with, but of course he was really unavailable.  And even if
I did tell him, I'm not so sure that it would really register.

	But, all that said, I went on with life hiding everything, and
keeping to myself, doing what I had and needed to and that was it.  I was
actually trying to avoid being in the spotlight of things, however that
didn't work out.  By the end of the track season, I had come in 1st place 4
meets in a row, which put me in for a Gold medal-which meant being at a
ceremony, which meant being in the spotlight.  And worse, the coach asked
me if my parents were going to come since he had never met them yet and
wanted to congratulate them.  Which meant I was going to have to tell them
about what's been going on the last 3 years.  So I said to him, well they
both work long hours mostly till 8pm (which wasn't true because mom worked
from home and Dad was an investment banker who's hours ended promptly at 5
pm) but I said I'd tell them and hopefully they would be able to come.
Although quite honestly, as much as I did want them there -- I didn't
want them there just as much.

	I went home that night thinking about how I was going to tell them
about it because, I was worried that if I started to tell them about one
thing, everything else would come flowing out , everything I was trying to
hide would just come out.  But I figured whatever it probably won't matter
anyway.  So everyone was sitting down at the dinner table and for once
there was a lull in conversation and I finally decided it was time to say
something and said:

       "Mom, Dad, Jeff I know this is a last minute request and you're
probably busy but, I would really like it if you could come to an awards
ceremony at school tomorrow night. " and then dad finally said "For what?"

        And for a moment I was silent and then just said "well, I joined
the track team freshman year and have been on it ever since and well I did
really well this year and the coach said I should ask you guys to come."
There was silence and everyone was looking at me as if I was a 300 pound
gorilla.

       And mom finally said "How come you never said anything about joining
a team?"  and I just looked at her and said "Actually mom, I did 3years ago
when I asked you to take me to by things for the track team."  And she just
thought for a moment and said, "oh that's right , well good for you, but I
can't make it tomorrow night it's Jeff's poetry reading night. But I'm sure
you're dad will go."

       I turned to look at him and all he said was "Sure, I'm glad to see
my son didn't turn into one of those gay queens running around out there."
That was all I needed to hear, and I was so sorry I had ever said anything.
I excused myself from the table went up to my room and threw myself down on
my bed and just started crying.  The man that I admired most, always wanted
to be -- even with the way he was towards me the past years- that man
hated me for what I was.  He didn't know it, but he just said that he hated
me.

       I never realized that my father was so close minded, and really to a
point just vicious.  The tone and the way he said what he did, really
exuded a hatred that I didn't know he was capable of.  And the funny thing
about all of this, was that depending on how that dinner conversation went,
I was considering pulling him aside and telling him about me, and how much
it would mean to me if he was there to support me.

       It was at this point that a lot more things started to make sense to
me.  For such a long time I've been trying to figure out why, while I had
so many opportunities to be sexually active, I was never interested in the
slightest.  Well in terms of the female opportunities-that was simple, I
was gay and wanted nothing to do with them.  But even secretly I knew my
`gaydar' was good and I knew the guys that I could get if I wanted to.
It's kind of that secret code that pitcher's use with catchers in baseball
to decide what pitch to throw.  There's a look, that you know who's playing
for your team.  And I've had quite a few of those too, and yet turned down
everyone of those options.  Never understood why, but I just did.

       But this night, the night I find out my father is antigay, I also
discover the fact that, he's the one that I want.  I suppose I should have
figured it out a long time ago, since no matter what he did, I didn't care
I still loved him.  I still thought he was beautiful I still wanted to be
next to him, to be him, be around him all the time.  Granted I stopped
trying after a while, but my feelings never changed.  And now it all made
sense he was the man I wanted to be with.  So much for that ever happening.
So I lay there on my bed crying and just trying to figure out what to do
now.  But I did know that I had to change things in my life going forward.
And I guess my plans for hanging around here needed to change too.

       In any event, before going into my decisions about college, we come
to the awards ceremony the following night.  As each team was being named
for their accomplishments, I kept turning my head to see if he was going to
show up.  But every time I turned I didn't see him, and finally just gave
up and kept a small hope that when I got up to the podium to accept the
medal , I would be pleasantly surprised.  But to no avail no one showed up
for me.  Luckily enough there were enough team member family's to clap to
at least hide the fact that there was no one from my family there.  I have
to say, while to a degree it did not surprise me at all, it still hurt me
to a point of throwing daggers at my heart a hundred times over.

	After the whole thing was all over I took my medals shook people's
hands and then got out of there as quickly as I could and went and found a
tree to sit under and just contemplate my life and the changes I now needed
to make to take care of me.  I had one year left of high school, and then
it was off to college in a land far far away.  I had originally wanted to
go to a school close to home so that I could be around Dad, but now chose
to go somewhere else, where I would be accepted for me and who I am, and
maybe get to live the life that I keep hidden away. That thought completed,
I got up and started walking to my car to just go home and go to bed.

	As I drove home, I thought about saying something to my parents
about the ceremony or even showing them the medals but then just decided
they were tired and whatever , and I was just going go to sleep.  As I
pulled up to the house, there was a police car in front of the house, and I
could see all of the lights on in the living room.  I was not liking the
look of this at all.  I pulled into the driveway, and went into the house
to see 2 officers standing and my father sitting on the couch with his head
in his hands and muffled sobs come out.  I introduced myself to the
officers and just asked "what happened?"  They both looked at me and said,
"Your mother and brother were broadsided by a truck that ran a red light."
I didn't need to hear anymore I already knew the end result.  I just looked
at them and then at my father, and then back to them and asked "Both of
them?"  and they just nodded .  I didn't need to know the details, quite
honestly I didn't want to know them.  All I asked further was "Where were
the body's taken to? " They told me where, and gave me the number, I said
thank you, and showed them out of the house.

	I went back upstairs and stood in the doorway staring at my father
--the big, strong, beautiful man that I loved --sitting on the couch
weeping over what had just happened.  I on the other hand, had no tears, no
thoughts -- at least not yet.  I think I was still in shock at that
point, and my concentration was on my father not me.  I sat down next to
him and put my arms around him, kissed the top of his head and just
whispered to him that it was OK, and we were going to be OK.  And just
shook his head no and said "I lost everything, the love of my life, my son"
that actually hurt me, but even so , I said to myself don't falter now be
strong.

	And I held him tighter and said "you didn't lose everything , you
still have me.  I can't be them, and I can't replace either of them.  But
I'm still here and not going anywhere."  And then he just looked up at me
for a few minutes and started bawling again.  That one confused me a
little.  But he again turned his head and looked at me and asked me "Why?"
I wasn't really sure what he meant, but that but the response that made the
most sense was,

	"Because I'm your son, and I love you too, just like I loved them
and will miss them, but we can grieve and deal with this together and we
can make it through and we will."  He looked at me again and just shook his
head and said,

	"I don't know how you can sit there and say that, how you don't
hate me or them?  When you said to all of us last night that you had joined
the track team, I couldn't believe it, I had no idea.  And after you left
the table, I sat and thought about it and realized that I had no idea what
you have been doing for the last few years.  I remember what happened the
day Jeff was born, I ran without even thinking and left you home.  And yet
you still sit there and say that you love and care about me or them, I
really do feel like such an ass after neglecting you."

	I just hugged him tighter and said "don't worry about it, doesn't
matter I love you and that's all that matters. "  (the only wrench into
that was that he had no idea how much or how deeply I really did love him)


Comments welcome at: awriter1228@gmail.com