Date: Thu, 20 Aug 2009 13:06:20 -0400
From: Awriter Awriter <awriter1228@gmail.com>
Subject: Love me for me part 6

"Love Me for Me"
Comments welcome at:  awriter1228@gmail.com

       As I lay there staring at the bare walls I started to wonder what it
was that he was doing right now, thinking about it, it has been over 2
months since he threw me out.  I have been so concentrated on getting here
and getting things set up that I didn't even think about that.  Did he miss
me? Or even care for that matter?  Did he even read the note or throw it
out?  All of these questions filled my mind without any answers.  I wanted
the answer to be yes to all of them, I wanted to believe that he had
compassion and love with inside him – no I know that he had it did for
many years, the question is just what happened to it.  I think I could deal
with him not being `in love' with me, but the fact that he's not able to
even accept me as his own son, I just can't believe that's possible, I pray
it's not possible . I took the teddy bear in my arms and just stared into
its button shaped eyes , said "I love you Dad" and fell asleep.
	I awoke the following morning thinking about my dreams, and in
contrast to most of them recently these were about me and not my father.
Me moving forward and getting on with my life, going through college,
deciding on what it is that I want to do and how I can do it.  Conceited I
know, but it was never a question of `can' or `if' I can do it, just how to
do it.  Although the funny thing about that is I know that I can do things,
and get what I want, no matter what it takes, can do it all except that one
last piece – the most important one of all, I don't know how, if I can
do it.  But, for now the issue was me – take care of me.  So, I started
out my day walking around, getting to know the campus, where I had to be,
what things I needed to get even finding out the different clubs, frats,
groups that existed among the university.  I considered actually joining
the track team again, and went and found the head coach, sat down with him
and we talked for a good hour and a half discussing my achievements in high
school and also what it was that I wanted to do going further.  I certainly
knew that my goal was never to go into any sort of professional sport as a
career but it was something that always took my mind off of what was going
on.  After all that I figured I'd just think about it and move onto the
next thing.
	On the night before the fall semester was about to begin, I went
out to find a hidden bench under a tree somewhere to just to sit and think
and once again wonder what my father was doing right then.  And I still
continued to wonder, whether or not he really meant what he said or maybe
he was just really angry and couldn't handle that thought.  Or, maybe he
really did feel that way, that he truly hated gay people and if that
included his son, then he hated me too.  And I have also often wondered
whether or not he realized that my love for him was and still is
unconditional, that even if he couldn't be like that I always would be.
But, before closing my thoughts for the evening, the last thing that ran
through my mind was, `dad, whatever you're doing, thinking, or wanting I
hope that you are well and safe and getting whatever it is that you want.'
And I got up and walked back to my dorm room to I guess in a sense once
again begin a new chapter in my own life.
	As I started my freshman year in college things started to flow
along smoothly, my classes were going well, I shockingly was starting to
smile on my own.  I actually did decide to join the track team, it did keep
my mind off of things but in reality this time I think it was more for me
to do because I enjoyed it and not because I was trying to prove something
to myself or even to someone else, I like it, I wanted it and I did it.
And that was the new – well changed mentality that I had implemented
within myself – it was no longer an issue of proving to my father that
`queer' could do anything that a straight guy could do it was now for me,
for my wants.  Now, being completely honest, my father never actually left
the equation completely, that was something that I could never do nor would
I want to do it.  That issue never changed, I always wanted him to be proud
of me but I was no longer going to let control the decisions that I made.
	I knew that I always had `leadership' abilities maybe never used
but I always knew that I had them, and it was not that I didn't want to use
them I suppose it was more a matter of me being assertive enough to do it.
It was not until my social science professor pulled me aside after handing
in the final exam and asked me about something that totally surprised me,
and also something that I will never forget.  He said
	"Joe, why on earth are you at this school?" and I just looked at
him and said,
 "What do you mean?"
        He looked back at me again and continued, "Joseph, you don't belong
here, I looked at your files, and transcripts -I know that you are here on
scholarship and all, but why didn't you apply anywhere else?  You got a
1600 on your SAT's you graduated 3rd in your class. You are too bright for
this school, you could have easily gotten into Berkley or Harvard or any of
those, why did you choose here?"
       I stood there looking at this man who knows me 4 months, and is
telling me that I don't belong in a school, that I got into for free.  Now,
the truth of the matter is, yes I could have gotten into them, I even tried
to – but I wanted to stay in California, and if Berkley wasn't going to
accept me then I was going anywhere in California that did.  Why?  Simple
of course I wanted to be near dad.  So I looked back at him and considered
giving him a whole slew of different bullshit story's that I could come up
with but decided, fuck it I'll tell him the basic truth.
       "Professor, Berkley did not accept me, and while you may think this
was a foolish decision Harvard did accept me, but I turned them down. I
wanted to stay in California no matter what.  There are just some things
that I wasn't willing to give up, just to do something better for me.
Again, foolish maybe but when you get thrown out of your own house at 18,
your choices are rather limited in what you can do, and I did the best that
I could, not give up what I wanted, and also to do what I had to for me.
And this is where I ended up."
       The man just looked at me in the most strange way, and just
responded, "Joseph, I really do commend you for sticking to what you have,
it's certainly obvious from your actions and participation in class and
also from our conversation here that you know what it is that you want and
what to do about it.  I've been at this university for 30 years and it is
rare that we come across someone like you.  But just remember something, no
matter how much you want something, how willing and eager you are to obtain
it, always keep in mind that in end the only person you really have to
count on is you."
       He patted me on the shoulder then shook my hand and wished me the
best of luck for all of my future endeavors, and then walked out of the
lecture hall.  I sat there staring at the door as it closed and thought to
myself, well yes I already knew that in the end the only person you could
really ever count on is yourself.  That one I learned a long time ago, but
he posed a different aspect on it – as willing eager as I am to get what
I want – how much is it holding me back from other things?  Yes I turned
down Harvard, if I want to call it a `mistake' then it's probably the
biggest one I've made to date.  But then again, turn around and think the
other way, if I had accepted it and turned down UCLA but then got thrown
out of the house, how would it have worked out?  Forget about getting
somewhere on your own that's the 380 miles away, Harvard was 4,000 miles
away.  No, I made the right decision in what I did, this is where I belong
now, going forward is a different story. But the professor's statements are
ones that have remained with me.
       Over winter break as most of the school went home to their family
and friends, I did consider calling my father, and had the phone in my hand
many times just short of dialing the number, but each time decided against
it.  I finally decided for sure that if the man really wanted to find and
talk to me – he would.  He got the mail at the house, and I'm sure that
he opened it, and even if he didn't, it would not be that hard to figure
out where I was, since before he threw me out we had discussed where I was
going to college, so he wasn't completely in the dark about that.  Which
actually is something I had not thought about in the past few months, he
actually know where I was or at least should be.  That thought was actually
a double edged sword though, because it would be one thing if he did not
know where I was and really had to make an effort to come and find me if he
wanted to.  But on the flipside, the fact that he did know where I was
would mean that all he had to do was either pick up a phone or just get in
the car and drive here - again if he wanted to.  But, after almost 6 months
of absolutely no communication, I guess it was pretty clear that he meant
what he said, and did not want to have anything to do with me at all.  A
painful realization, but a realistic one.
       Over the break, I spent much of my time alone, which actually after
this past semester was rather a weird feeling, since throughout the
semester I had been continually making friends, running with the track
team, I guess without even realizing it I had made a life for myself, I was
becoming `me'. My world no longer revolved around my father's feelings
towards me.  No longer, did every decision end with `what would dad think?
Or did he approve?'  all of those seemed to fall to the wayside – but
again even with all this progress there was that one end all feeling, that
no matter what he did, how he felt, where he was, I still did love that man
more than anything in the world and if given that one opportunity I'd jump
on it in a heartbeat.
       After everyone returned, the school year continued on, I continued
to do what I wanted to, I played sports, I founded a new work group, I had
even been encouraged to run for a place on the school student senate –
but that was something I turned down – why actually I don't really know.
Since it gave me an enormous amount of `power' and influence which is
something I love.  But for whatever reason that I turned down – I think
that it was really more my ability to have the power and utilize it myself
without having to get an approval by vote.
       As the years continued, it was one semester after another, into the
vacation breaks and then back to classes, and through all of it, my life
was full, enjoyable wonderful really, I seriously had nothing to complain
about, nothing to worry about. I kept that feeling with me all day every
day, made me smile each and every time –conceited? Maybe but I didn't
care.  I had achieved it, and I was proud of it.  It was only until I
returned to my apartment each night, that I had finally grown up and rented
during my junior year – that all of those feelings that I had all day
long all that happiness, ended at my front door.  When I opened that door
and went into MY home, all there was, was complete and total silence, and I
always came back to that one realization, that with everything I had, the
one thing I didn't have was someone to share it with.
       Truthfully I had hundreds of opportunities to be with anyone that I
wanted, girls or guys.  Well there was really no question there it would
only be a guy.  Yes I was a jock, and I was always asked, `why don't you
date? Do you know how many guys want to get with you?" And, my answer is
the same as it always has been.  "My heart belongs to one man, and one man
only, and none of you are him" And that usually ends the conversation
quickly.  So each time I go home and I open my front door, the man that my
heart belongs to, isn't there, and most likely never will be either. And
with that thought I head straight to my bedroom, where the teddy bear that
sits on my bed and the picture that sits on my night table, look at one and
then hug the other and move on with the rest of the evening.
         Before I even realized it, I was in my final semester at UCLA.  I
sat there at my desk staring at the calendar just shaking my head.  I
really could not believe that I had done this, and then I looked to my
right and sitting on my desk is a sealed envelope from the Stanford
University of Law.  It was the answer as to whether or not I had gotten
into law school or not.  It had actually been sitting there for the past 3
days.  For whatever reason I just could not bring myself to open it, I
guess it was really because I want someone- no I wanted my father to be
with me when I opened it so that I could either jump for joy in his arms
for being accepted or cry in them for being turned down.  And I just
continued to stare at it and hope that there would be a knock at my door or
that the phone would ring and it would be him.  But to no avail, and I just
left it there for another day to go by.
       Interestingly enough my last final exam of my undergraduate degree
was being handed into the same professor that I handed my first final exam
to and the one who gave me that speech four years prior during my freshman
year.  I had, had him a number of times of the course of the four years,
and it wasn't until the second time I had him that I learned that he was
one of the Deans of the school, and how important he had really become in
my life at this school.  But it wasn't until that day that he took my exam
in one hand, and shook my other hand, and then said,
       "Joe, we need to have a little chat."
       And I thought to myself oh shit, I made it 4 years commencement was
in a week, and now he's going to tell me that something was wrong and I
wasn't going to graduate.  But I took a deep breath and said,
       "What about? What's up?"
       He looked at me, smiled, and said,
       "You need to go home and start working on giving a speech for the
Salutatorian. Congratulations."
        Now this totally floored me.  I knew that I had done well over the
years, always did the best I could to keep my grades up as high as
possible, granted I did want to graduate at least somewhere in the top-ten
of my class, but number 2?  I just stood there with this dumbfounded look
on my face, and then went and sat back down in one of the chairs in the
lecture hall, and started to cry.
       He walked over to me and put his hand on my shoulder and tried to
pull me back a bit, I don't think the man had ever seen me cry and he just
looked down at me and asked me what was wrong.  And I finally broke down
and told him everything, that I had not said to anyone in over 4 years.
       "You really want to know what it is that I've been `wanting' and so
`eager' to find?  It's quite simple, it's my father."
       He continued looking at me and said with a little smile,
       "Joe I knew that years ago, I figured that out as soon as you told
me that they threw you out of the house, you don't have to be a rocket
scientist to figure that one out."
       And I looked back at him and said,
       "Yes you are correct, but that's not the real meaning behind it.
The real meaning is the fact that I'm in love with him.  Yes, a sick,
twisted incestual relationship is what I want.  And I know after all this
time I'm foolish to keep wanting it and waiting for it, but that's the way
it is.  And graduating, yea I could handle that without him, winning those
track awards over the years yea I could tolerate that without him.  But
this?  How do I stand up in front of a football field full of people
cheering and congratulating their own kids and I don't even have ONE
person, not ONE ounce of family.  I'm sorry, I just can't accept this give
it to whoever is next after me."
       The man just looked directly into my eyes, his were so kind, so
warming, they always had been, I didn't realize it until then but thinking
back he was always there for me.  He was at everyone of my home track
meets, was always supportive of any of the groups that I had formed, really
was a part of everything that I had been involved with, quietly but he had
always been there.  And after I realized that, I actually stood up and
hugged him back and said thank you so many times.  No, he wasn't my father,
and I didn't love him in any which way, and I would still leap into my
father's if ever given that chance but aside from that, I realized that
this man was going to be at commencement – even if it was in a
professional capacity as a Dean, I knew that it was partially for me too.
       I looked back at him and said "I guess I need to get that speech
written huh."  He chuckled, and said,
       "Yep."  Smiled at me again, patted me on the shoulder and said "I'll
see you next week on the Dais Joe, and congratulations again, you deserve
every bit of that."
       I wiped my eyes again, and before he walked out of the classroom I
called to him and said, "Thank you." He smiled nodded his head and walked
out.
       I went back to my apartment that afternoon, kicked off my shoes and
clothes, and crawled into bed clutching my bear and staring at the picture,
and just whispered "I love you dad, and I wish you were here with me now. I
wish I could share all this with you, and maybe you could be proud of your
son."  And I just closed my eyes and fell asleep.
       The following week went by a lot faster than I had actually expected
it to, and I had so much to do, so many things to wrap up and finish that
speech all at once.  Every morning and every night I sat for a few hours
working on that speech, I think that I must have rewritten it 15 times, I
knew what I wanted to say and how I wanted to say it but, I kept crashing
and burning at one point, who do I dedicate this to?  Do I dedicate it to
the professor? Who in all honesty absolutely deserves that dedication, or
do I do it to my father, while he hasn't been around, he's always been with
me – whether he wanted to be or not.
       It was finally the morning of commencement, I sat up on the dais the
President and all of the Deans of the school, the Valedictorian, the
President of the student senate, and the trustees of the school.  I had
finally finished and solidified what I was going to say in my speech about
an hour before I had to be up there, and as I sat there I caught a glimpse
of the Professor and he gave me a smile and a quick `thumbs up', and then
it was my turn to get up and speak in front of hundreds of people.
       As I looked across the field , I saw smiling graduates, and proud
parents, and others that came to support and celebrate their kids
achievements, I looked down at my speech and then looked back up again, and
while scanning the audience, started to speak, "10 years ago if you asked
me `what do you want to be when you grow up?'  I would have simply said to
you, I want to be like my da- `