Date: Wed, 26 Aug 2009 14:31:30 -0400
From: Awriter Awriter <awriter1228@gmail.com>
Subject: Love me for me part 7

"Love Me for Me"
Comments welcome at:  awriter1228@gmail.com

	I stopped dead in mid-sentence, for what I thought I saw was my
father standing in the far right corner.  I blinked my eyes twice, and
hoped and prayed that it was him.  I had to do everything I possibly could
to hold back the tears.  I'm not really sure for how long it was that I
stopped speaking, but after regaining my composure, I went on to finish my
speech, but changed it as I was reading it.  Because now, the fact that
this man was standing in the audience and hearing what it was that I was
saying, even just seeing him I flipped it all around made it as relevant to
the school issues and achievements of the class, but if you listened to it
carefully it was clear that it was all geared to one person.  And really
only the Professor knew who it was geared towards and I only prayed that he
knew too.
       After I somehow managed to make it through that without falling
apart I have no idea, but I finished it, got my applause and then went to
sit back down, but as I was walking back over to my seat I looked at the
Professor and he smiled at me, which at the time I thought nothing of, just
his congratulations in silence.  As I sat down I looked back out into the
crowd to look for that one person, to make sure I wasn't dreaming, that I
really did see him there, I looked back over to corner that I first caught
glimpse of him, and it was no dream, there stood my father staring back at
me with the most beautiful eyes.  No smile or expression just a stare. But
that didn't matter to me, all that mattered to me was the fact that he was
there, the fact that he was going to get to see me graduate from college.
Hell I didn't even care if he hated me, or hated me for being gay or never
even wanted to look at me again.  As long as he was here to witness this,
maybe just maybe he'd be proud of me, and if not, well there was nothing I
could do about it, but again I still did not care, he was here.
       The ceremony went on for what seemed like hours and hours, everyone
making speeches, and rambling on about this that and the other, none of
which was registering in my head at all.  I was focused on one person in
one spot and nothing else.  It was not until I was nudged by the person
sitting next to me that it was time to stand up and walk collect my piece
of paper and walk down and thrown my cap up with everyone else.  And then I
realized again, holy shit, I did it.  I put myself through college, I
graduated, through the masses of people before I made that bee-line to find
my father, there was one person that I had to find and hug and thank.  I
pushed and shoved people out of the as quickly as I could and go over to
the other side of the stage and just before he was going to walk down the
steps I grabbed his arm and said,
       "Professor, I don't know how to thank you for everything that you
have done for me over the past 4 years, I really never could have done it
without your support and guidance.  And I will be forever grateful to you
for it."
       He opened his arms to give me a hug and again said words that I
still carry with me today,
       "Joe, you did it all by yourself and trust me needed no assistance
from me, but it has been an absolute privilege to have known you over the
past 4 years, I really do wish you all of what life can offer you. I know
that in whatever you do and strive for and put your mind to, you WILL
achieve it, just like you have over the past four years.  I am positive of
that."
       I hugged him back so tight again, and kept saying thank you for
believing in me, really in tears, until he finally pushed me off him, and
said to me,
       "Now, it is against school policy for staff to give students any
sort of gift under any circumstance, however, I found a way to bend the
rules just a little bit and got you a little something."
       I looked up at him with blood shot eyes and an odd look on my face
and said "what?"
       He turned me around and said to me again in my ear,
       "Congratulations on your graduation, award, and achievement's you
deserve every single one of them."  He patted me on my back and said "good
luck with everything." And walked away.
       But there in front of me, stood the most incredible looking
creature, I just stood there staring at him through my blood shot eyes
looking at every single inch of him from head to toe.  I still wasn't sure
that I wasn't day dreaming or having delusions.  But that all went out the
window because before I was able to pull myself out of my trance he moved
forward a few feet and spoke to me for the first time in over four years
and said,
       "Hi Joe."
       That was all it took, I burst into tears again and ran into him,
almost knocking him over but wrapping my arms around him so tightly, never
ever wanting to let go.  I couldn't believe that he was here, I couldn't
believe that it was him, I could honestly die right now and would be the
happiest man on earth.  It really must have been quite a scene, me bawling
in the middle of a field like a little boy.  But I could care less, at that
moment I felt like I was eight years old again back in that one spot when
everyone was so happy.  And then in the midst of all this I realized that
his arms were around me, he was hugging me back-he really did care about
me.  To what degree at that point I didn't give a shit, all it had to be
was that he was there and he cared about me.
       When I finally let go of him, I stood back for a minute and looked
at his face, really still no expression, but almost a look of kindness, but
again it really didn't matter.  At this point I had so many things running
through my head, so many questions, so many emotions I really didn't even
know where to start or where to go, but I knew that I wanted to be alone
with him, with no interruptions or distractions.  I looked at him, and just
asked him,
       "Dad, come with me please back to my apartment? I want to talk, away
from here."  He just nodded and followed me, well almost ran after me I
don't think I moved that fast ever before even running for track.  Once we
got back there, I wasn't actually sure how to act yet, I so badly wanted to
jump into his arms again, and kiss him a thousand times but I couldn't do
that he'd never speak to me again.  So I just invited him in and asked if
he wanted a drink, he looked back and shook his head no and went to sit
down on the couch.  I sat down on the other side of the couch, not really
sure what to say at this point, so decided to just start talking and
hopefully not make a bumbling idiot out of myself and screw it all up
again. So I started to say something but he stopped me before I ever had a
chance to get the word out and said,
       "Joe, don't say anything. (I sat there in silence just staring at
him) Joe, I feel it is wrong for me to be here – I don't really deserve
to be here right now.  I still cannot even believe the fact that you are
willing to look at me, let alone be in your presence after all of what
happened and how long it's been.  And had it not been for your Professor
showing up at the house, I most likely would not be here.  BUT NOT because
I did not want to be, but because I could not even bare to think how you
might feel when you saw me.  I've spent the past four years, first looking
for you then, once I figured out where you were, agonizing over how I could
have been such a cruel and horrible person and how much you must hate me
and your family.  After you left, it took me a day or 2 to realize that you
were not coming back.  I wasn't really sure what to do.  I realized that I
knew nothing about you, I went up to your bedroom and looked around and saw
so many things that I never knew you had, or anything you did.  You had
written papers, joined a team, won medals, and I had no clue about it.  I
started walking around in circles not knowing what to do, wondering how I
allowed that to happen, and I am so sorry for that.  But aside from all
that I am SO sorry for saying what I did, and I will be for the rest o f my
life. The last thing I ever in my life wanted to do was hurt you, but my
fear and wrong beliefs took over control of my brain and it just came out.
I know that it's not an excuse but it is the truth.  Over the past four
years I've been totally lost and torn over what to do, but I could not
bring myself to call or come here, I was just too embarrassed and too
fearful of what you would think or say to me – and how could I blame
you? I could not in anyway.  I wasn't with you going through your entire
adolescent life, I missed your high school graduation and almost missed
your college one.  But when that man knocked on the door, and told me that
you were going to be the Salutatorian, I realized that no matter how you
felt about me I had to be here for that, and you may not believe it but I'm
sure your mother and brother are `here' as well.  Joseph I am SO proud of
you and all that you have accomplished and I know this doesn't sound
believable but I am so proud to have you as my son, and you are someone I
do not deserve in anyway.  And I want you to know I don't care who you are
or what you are, I will always love you.  And I also brought you something
that I wanted you to have back.  I love you Joey very much."
       And he took out of his pocket, the watch and note that I had left
him, handed me the watch but kept the note, and just smiled.  I just sat
there staring at him, still digesting what had just been said to me.  I
still had so many questions and curiosities about so many things, but I
then realized that none of them mattered.  He was here now, he said he
loved me, probably only as his son – but I didn't give a damn I had him.
I just looked at him deeply into his eyes leaned in close to him, took my
thumb and wiped the tear off of his cheek and simply said,
       "I don't care about anything else, I love you too.  Do you see that
note?  Everything I wrote on there I meant and still do.  You could say
anything you want, feel anything you none of it matters I still love you
and I always will.  I will never turn you away, never hate you – I
can't.  Having you here, knowing that you were there when I made my speech
and graduated and got my diploma made me happier than anything else in the
world."  And now I decided that again, just like 4 years ago, I have his
attention, this time he's going to hear it all.  And I just went on,
       "But, dad there is something that I never got to finish telling you,
and I hope that you really do love me enough to handle this, but it really
is something so important to me, that I need you to know.  You don't have
to agree with it, or really accept it, as long as you accept me I'll be
happy with that, but you still need to know this about me."  He nodded ok,
and I went for it.
       "Dad, you know that I'm gay, and it would seem that you are OK with
that now.  But the part that I was not able to tell you before is the fact
that I am in love with you.  Yes I said `in love' with you.  I have been
since the day I realized that I was gay.  You were all I ever wanted to be,
and really still are.  You heard my speech I meant every word of it.  Still
have every one of the feelings, towards you.  I want to share everything, I
want to be a part of you.  I want to be the last thing you see in bed
before you close your eyes and the first thing you wake up to every
morning.  I know that this is something that you aren't privy to or would
even do or consider, but I needed you to know this.  I know you are not
gay, so this really is a moot issue, but I just needed you to know it, to
know that I love you in every possible way and I always will.  I don't care
about the past – it's over it's done and gone with.  All that matters to
me now, is that you're here and we can move forward as best friends and
father and son. I can't go through another 4 years without you."
       He just sat there looking at me, not saying anything, no expression
just staring at me, and then got up off of the couch, and I thought to
myself oh fuck, I did it again, now he really will never speak to me again.
Why the fuck did I open my mouth??  It was like, someone was taking a
butcher knife and ramming it into my chest over and over, I didn't know
whether to cry or beg or what, I couldn't even bare to see him go out the
door, I just put my head in my lap and let the tears start to flow.  I
heard footsteps along the wood floor, and then a pause but I heard no door
open, I wanted so badly to look up and see where he was or what he was
doing but I couldn't bring myself to do it, that would mean having to look
him in the face and seeing whatever anger or disappointment he had for me.
But I did nothing and heard nothing, no footsteps, no voice, no noise, just
absolute and total silence.  I think that this was almost worse than having
him tell me to get out, indifference that was just a horrid, horrid
feeling.
       But then I heard footsteps again, not going further away but getting
closer to me, at this point it had gone from silence to almost deafening
and then nothing again. But I opened my eyes just a tiny bit and on the
floor in front of me I saw 2 shoes neither of with were mine, and then a
hand on my shoulder gently pulling me back up.  At that point I had no
strength to resist or assist with, I just let him pull me up and then I
felt his soft hand touch the side of my face and gently turn it towards
him, so that I was staring at his chest and then he lifted my chin and our
eyes met, both blood-shot with tears, yet no words were spoken, no sounds
were made. He just held my chin with one hand and then slowly moved his
other, took his thumb and gently wiped the tear away from under my left eye
and my heart started to race again maybe it was my dream coming true, maybe
he really did love me and was finally realizing it, and then he said to me,
       "Joey, Joey,Joey, if you could only comprehend what you are doing to
me right now, it would make saying this so much easier but, Joe you just
can't and won't be able to."  I cut him off right there, because now my
emotions were going from sadness and excitement at the same time to anger
and frustration and I said,
       "Comprehend what dad?  How the fuck can I even try and comprehend
anything if you won't fucking tell me what it is?!? I'm not a child
anymore.  You can't use the bullshit excuse that I'm too young to
understand it.  Maybe I should reiterate the fact that you weren't around
for the past 10 years?? How the fuck would you know what I could comprehend
or not? Do you realize what I've done?? I went through high school ALONE, I
put myself through college and came out as salutatorian, and without one
ounce of your help.  Just like you said 20 minutes ago, you don't know who
I am, well you're damned right you don't.  If you would even just TRY and
get to know me you might realize the fact that I'm a lot more grown up than
you think, hell from this point it would appear a LOT more grown up than
you!  And let me be very clear here, I meant and still mean EVERYTHING that
I said to you.  I love you unconditionally, I will no matter what. Nothing
could ever change that.  BUT if you can't trust me or believe in me enough
to even let me TRY and comprehend what it is, then I don't know what to say
anymore.  You see that envelope over there sitting on the Teddy Bear?
That's a letter stating whether or not I was accepted into Law School at
Stanford University.  I have not opened it yet because I was praying,
hoping and wishing that somehow I might be able to share it with you and
have you next to me when I read what the answer is.  But you know what?
Maybe I won't be able to comprehend it, so I'm not even going to try.  I'll
just leave it there and move on.  You know what Dad?  I think my professor
was right, I can pray and want, and try to get something that I want for as
long as I can but in the end the ONLY person I can really count on is
yourself.  I never wanted to believe that EVER, I always thought that
somehow, someway you would be there for me.  And when you showed up today,
it confirmed that I was right – or now at least I thought it had.  But
no, he was right I can see that now, it's just going to be me, like it has
been for the past fucking 10 years. I will always love you no matter what,
but I'm not doing this, I can't do it.  I worked so hard to be able to deal
with my life without you, with that hope that you'd come back.  But no more
I'm done.  You can stay here as long as you want, there's an extra set of
keys in the kitchen."
       As I got up to leave he grabbed my wrists so tightly that it hurt, I
tried to pull free from it, but each time I tried he squeezed harder.  I
did not realize how strong he was, but I still wasn't going to stay
there. And as I kept struggling, with his free hand he slapped me across
the face.  I stopped struggling, and just stood there frozen in shock.  Of
all the things I've witnessed with and known about him for as long as I've
been alive he has NEVER hit me. I had no idea he even had that in him.  And
after what seemed like hours of just standing there, but was not more than
a minute, I gave one last pull, got my wrist free, grabbed my car keys, ran
out the door, leaving him standing there alone.