Date: Wed, 2 Sep 2009 08:50:58 -0400
From: Awriter Awriter <awriter1228@gmail.com>
Subject: Love me for me Part 8

"Love Me for Me"  Part 8
Comments welcome at:  awriter1228@gmail.com

	As I slammed the door shut, I stopped and just stood there outside
the door, and I thought to myself what a lunatic I am, why do I keep
putting myself through this.  This really is always going to be a one sided
thing.  Yes he loves me and he's sorry for what he did -- I think, but it
just makes no sense to me. And then I realized wait a second, this is MY
house, why on earth am I running out of it?? If anyone should be leaving
it's him. And at that I decided to turn around and go back in, this is no
longer a one sided game, I'm not going to run away like I did 4 years ago,
this is going to be settled now.
       I unlocked the door and saw him standing there exactly in the same
place as I left him, just frozen in place.  As I walked up to him his face
didn't move his eyes didn't shift, but I wasn't waiting anymore and I went
over and very quickly slapped his face too -- that shook him.  He looked
up at me and I said to him,
       "Dad, I'm not fucking around anymore, we are going to settle this
now.  You are either going to tell me what the hell is going on with you,
what your problem is with me, just why it is that you think I can't
comprehend what your issue is.  Quite honestly I don't really care what the
issue is itself what I care about is why the hell it is that you still
think that I am so naïve, that I can't understand this.  I love you no
matter what -- just talk to me."
       He just looked at me with eyes that could pierce glass just looking
and staring at me but saying nothing.  I thought I could almost see the
wheels turning in his head until he finally spoke to me and said,
       "Joseph, I don't belong here. You are a grown man, who has
accomplished more than I can even believe and you did it on your own.  Like
you said you worked hard to deal with your life outside of me, I can't be
part a reason that it all falls apart again, but me staying here and coming
back into your life with all of the damage that I've already done to you in
the past will own ruin what you've done for yourself I won't be a part of
it.  I love you, you are my pride and joy but I don't deserve you, I need
to leave here now. Congratulations on everything, you are an amazing man
and will do nothing but succeed in the future."  And he got up to leave.
       He had the door open, and I decided that I was going to try one last
thing and if it didn't work then there really wasn't anything and what he
said to me was a crock of shit.  And I called to him and said,
       "Dad, if you walk out and close that door, you are confirming the
fact that not only do you not love me, but you are saying to me that I
failed at my most important goal in life, not succeeded.  You are the only
person that has the power to help me succeed.  You leave and you take that
power and love with you.  If you mean and believe what you say, then you
won't leave.  You will come back here to me and just tell me what the
problem is.  The next action you make state's your feelings towards me."
       That did it.  He stopped, closed the door and turned around and
looked straight at me, I had no tears anymore, I had no look of anger or
desperation, I looked back him with a straight face and said again,
       "I'm not playing games anymore. I spent the past 10 years, wanting
and praying and hoping that you just might come around and realize that I
was here, that I love you, that I more or less would do anything in the
world for you.  Anytime over the past 10 years, home or here, had you said
1 word to me anything, I would have jumped on a plane and been back in San
Francisco in an hour no questions asked. And right up to this minute I
would still do it.  But I'm going to be blatantly honest, if you walk out
that door now, you are walking out on me again, but this time for good.  I
love you no matter what, always will, but I can't keep doing this you have
to make this choice now."
       He just stood there staring at me, I had not a clue what he was
thinking or running through his head, I was hoping some sort of common
sense that he would just sit and talk to me, but past actions have yet to
prove that one.  As the minutes past each seemed like an eternity but he
just stood there in silence, not speaking not moving, nothing.  Until he
finally walked back over to me and we stood face to face, close enough that
I could feel his breath on me, I could hear his heart beating, and then he
took a step back and almost fell into the couch.  I watched him sit there
as the tears started to flow down his face, there were no sounds, no other
movements just tears.  I finally sat down next to him and took his hand in
mine- it was so warm and soft, something to likes of which I had never felt
before.  He looked at me and finally said,
       "Joseph you really have grown up haven't you, and I missed it all.
It was wrong what happened, the fact that you got pushed in the background
after Jeffrey was born.  There were a lot of factors, that went into
everything, your mother had a lot of trouble getting pregnant after she had
you, had 2 miscarriages, and finally when she was able to hold onto Jeff,
the entire family was so elated that it all centered around her and him,
and just continued that way until the end.  No that's not an excuse, and
I'm not using it as one, just as to what happened.  And it should not have
been that way in any shape or form, and I will be eternally sorry to you
for letting that happen.  But the other problem over the years was me.
Right after Jeffrey was born and became the `miracle child' you were really
not the only one that got `pushed aside' it happened to me as well.  But
the difference was, I was happy about it, I had fallen out of love with her
years before he was born, but still had you and that was the only reason I
stuck around.  And also it was perfect cover for me because I had been
having my own fun on the side. So everything was working out perfectly, I
got to have my cake and eat it too.  But then the accident happened, and
everything blew up in my face, and all I was left with was you.  I had no
more cover, and had to stop everything because there was no way I could
hide it from you, and I certainly didn't want you knowing any of it, so it
stopped and well you saw what happened I went into my hole and ignored the
world, you included.  But as always, you bit the bullet and did your own
thing, without ever saying a word or complaining.  And then came you and
what you told me, and I just lost it completely, and said those horrible
things to you and I'm so so sorry about that.  But that was something I
never ever wanted you to have to deal with or have to watch you deal with.
It's a cruel and horrid experience, trust me I know.  Yes, I know I went
through this whole thing to avoid telling you the issue. The people that I
was fooling around on the side with, were all guys.  I have never come to
the conclusion as to whether I am gay or straight or bi, all I knew is that
I enjoyed having sex with men more than women.  I still really don't want
to admit to any of them.  But that's what the issue really all boils down
to -- I was so afraid that you had somehow managed to figure out what I
was doing and wanted to copy it or anything along those lines and I
couldn't bear to see you go through it either so I did what I did. I did
not want you to know or have to deal with the fact that your own father was
a fag himself.  And then after all that, you were gone and all because of
me.  And yet again you pull yourself through, not only through but on-top
of your game -- it's an amazing thing to me, I just sit here amazed at
what you have been able to do. I know that I certainly could not have done
what you did and I commend and am honored to have you as my son, even
though I don't deserve it.  So Joe, there you have it, I don't know if it
makes any sense to you or matters at all, but that's the truth in its
entirety."
       I just sat there absolutely dumbfounded at what had just been said
to me.  Then again, it really all made sense, he's gay, spent so much time
and energy hiding, lost concentration on others, hates it, tries to hide
it, and ignores everything else and then does all to deny it -- a typical
psychological reaction.  The question was, how or what do I respond to
this. Truthfully I know what I want, and how I want it, the issue was did
he want it, or could he even conceive it -- since out of that entire
rant, there was still that one piece that he did not touch on -- what he
thought about my feelings towards him, and there was no turning back now, I
was going to find out.  So I said,
       "Dad, I love you with all my heart, quite honestly I don't care
about that -- I thank you for sharing it with me, it certainly helps me to
understand more about you and the actions you've taken over the years and
why.  But now knowing all of that now, why don't you want to get to know
me?  Why do you keep trying to run out?  I want you to comprehend the fact
that I'm not like mom, I'm not Jeff, I'm not any of the guys you slept
with.  I'm Joe, someone who unlike the rest of those people, loves and
cares about you -- and I don't really even know you, but I want to.  I want
to know everything about you. Your favorite song, your favorite color --
everything.  And I want you to do the same with me, but you have to want to
as well.  But I'll say this too, if you are going to know me, then you have
to know everything but the most important thing of all to me, is that you
know that I love you unconditionally and I always will, but the other part
also holds very true, and that is that I am in love with you.  And don't
think for a minute that I didn't try to fight that because I did, but no
matter what I did, I always wound up back in the same place being more and
more in love with you.  I don't expect that to be returned, but what I do
want is your love and acceptance of me, that alone would be enough to make
me happy.  Honestly dad, the real bottom line is that I just want you with
me in whatever capacity I can have you, I want you here.  Please, don't
walk out on me again."
       At this point, I had once again been crying and sobbing as I tried
to get that statement all out, and I needed to get up and get some tissues
to clean up my face, and as I moved to get up off the couch, he grabbed my
wrist again and said,
       "Joey, wait, come over here."  I sat back down but closer to him and
we just looked at each other, he let go of my wrist, and within one move,
grabbed both sides of my face and pulled be up against his that the tips of
our noses were touching , and I could see fire in his eyes.  We sat there
like that for what seemed like ages until without even realizing I felt his
lips touch mine..