Date: Fri, 4 Sep 2009 10:04:37 -0400
From: Awriter Awriter <awriter1228@gmail.com>
Subject: Re: Love me for me Part 9

"Love Me for Me" Part 9
Comments welcome at:  awriter1228@gmail.com

	This was something I had never experienced in my entire life, a
touch and feeling that was completely foreign to me but felt so incredible
and right at that moment I had so many emotions running through me that I
lost count.  But in that split second I realized who was kissing me and I
just froze, I felt so stupid and suddenly afraid to do anything else.  He
must have gotten that feeling and he pulled back from me and just looked
into my eyes and said,
       "Joey, what's the matter? This is what you wanted isn't it?"
       And I just looked at him, and into his eyes and said,
       "No, it's not the kiss that I want, it's you.  But I want you to
want me too, I don't want you doing this just because you think it will
make me happy.  I want you to be honest with me, and tell me if you really
understand what it is that we are starting here, and what bridge we are
crossing.  Because once we cross this, there is no turning back for me, you
have to understand that.  And I mean it when I say to you that I'd be happy
just to have you with me – that's what is most important to me, is to
have YOU with me. I don't care in what form but just you.  But if we start
this, that changes me and I can't go back, and I don't want you hurt or me
hurt, do you understand what I'm saying?"
       He just stared at me, no he looked into me – I wanted him to see
my soul to understand it and hear it.  And then all of a sudden he got up
off the couch.  I knew it, he wasn't doing it because he wanted to, he was
doing it because he felt he had to, and that is exactly what I did NOT
want.  He stood with his back to me facing into the kitchen. I wasn't
really sure whether I should get up and go to him or just sit and wait for
him to make the next move. But I just sat there in silence, waiting and
waiting just to see what he would do, and finally he turned to me with a
tear streaked face said to me,
       "Joseph I can't do this anymore, I knew that I should have just left
when I was going to.  I know it's walking out on you, but I'm doing it for
you because I love you, and the last thing that I ever want to do is hurt
you, but me staying here is going to do it and I won't let it happen.  I
promise me leaving now, will hurt initially but will get better.  You will
go and find someone else who can take care of you and love you and be there
for you whenever you need him to be."
       I just started crying, I couldn't help it, the one man that I wanted
most didn't want me apparently in any way. Not as a lover, not as a son not
as a friend. I just could not understand why, it made absolutely no sense
to me at all. I just didn't get it, maybe he was right and I couldn't
comprehend it at all, maybe in his brain none of this is right, we are just
not supposed to be together in anyway.  But again it still didn't make any
sense to me at all. And I finally again said to him, almost pleaded,
       "Dad please tell me what's wrong, what's wrong with me?  What did I
do that was so bad? Why don't you love me or even want to be near me?  All
you keep doing is running out on me, if that's what you want, fine but I
just need to know why, why can't you stay here, or be with me or do
anything with me. I need to understand that, and then I guess I'll respect
your wishes."
       He looked back at me just in absolute silence and said nothing,
blinked his eyes a few times, shifted his eyes, but said nothing.  Maybe it
was as simple as that, he just didn't want to be.  And I finally just said
to him,
       "you know what dad, I'm not going to pressure you anymore, I'm not
going to ask any more questions, if you want to talk to me that's fine I
hope you do. But I can't fight or beg for you anymore either, you know how
I feel about you in every which way, and as I've said all along that is
something that will never ever change.  And I guess since it's only me
sharing things here, I'll tell you something else – remember how I told
you earlier that my heart belongs to one man and one man only? Well that
holds true forever, so if it's not you then it's no one.  You will always
know where I am, how to reach me and I will NEVER turn you away.  So if at
some point, you decide to change your mind, I'll be here for you.  You are
welcome to stay here as long as you want, as I said the keys are on the
table, I need to get some air, will be back later."  And this time I really
did walk out.  It wasn't running away, he had his choices to make and
things to think about, whether he would come to his senses or not I had no
idea –or maybe he was at his senses and he just didn't want to do this,
and if that be the case then I guess it is.
       I wandered around downtown Los Angeles for a few hours, and then
went over to one of the bars that I knew the bartender at and just sat down
on the stool and stared at the bar.  Matt came over to me and started
talking but I really wasn't listening until he tapped me on the shoulder
and said,
       "Joe, what the hell are you doing here?  In 4 years never seen you
in here once, what's wrong?"
       I just looked up at him, he always did have such a warm face, and a
fantastic smile, and I just kept looking at him and finally said,
       "If you really want to know, give me a straight up Stolie Martini
and I'll tell you."  I'll never forget the shocked look on his face when I
ordered that, since in all the time I knew him, I don't think he's ever
seen me have a drink. So he walks away and then comes back with the drink
and says,
       "OK buddy spill it."  And then it all just started to flow out of me
       "Matt, it's an incredibly long and drawn out story so I'll give you
the abbreviated version, My dad and I basically haven't spoken in over 10
years.  All through grade school, he and I basically just existed with each
other in the same house.  There was really no communication at all, and
then I left for college and didn't hear from him until today when he showed
up at graduation.  It absolutely floored me but I was so happy that I
didn't give a shit about the past.  And we went back home to my apartment,
started talking I asked what the hell happened all those years and told me
what sounded right, and said he was sorry, but then two seconds later gets
up and flips his story again and says he can't be here anymore and wants to
leave.  I tried for over an hour to talk him into staying offered him
anything, he just sat there in silence and then saying he can't stay.  And
I finally gave up and walked out, I miss him so much and I don't like
living without him in my life, but I can't handle this, and I just don't
know what to do anymore."
       Matt just stood there looking at me and finally said,
       "Joe, there is nothing else you can do.  You said what you had to,
and how you felt to him and that's it.  You can't force people into
thinking or feeling something, they are going to do whatever they want, and
unfortunately you've got to roll with the punches – whichever way they
come from.  But don't worry about it bud, you'll be fine.  And if you ever
want to talk, here's my number and well you know where I work.  Now get
outa here and go back home."
       I just nodded at him and dragged my ass off of the bar stool, but
slowly – may have only been one martini, but it was a strong one.
Although, I was puzzled but one thing, him giving me his number, I never
thought he was gay then again, who knows I don't see him that often anyway.
As I started walking back to the apartment, I wasn't really sure what I was
going to be walking into, I had no idea whether or not he was still there,
I looked at my watch and blinked a few times, it was already 11 at night, I
had been gone over 6 hours.  I was actually half hoping that he wouldn't be
there because I don't think I could really deal with him right now, I just
wanted to crawl into bed with my Teddy Bear and go to sleep.
       As I turned the key in the lock and pushed the door open, all of the
lights were off, and the apartment just felt so cold and still, well I
guess he left.  Not surprising really, he had said 3 times that he couldn't
stay here and he finally followed through on it.  I walked over to the
kitchen to look and see if there was a note or something there to at least
say where he had gone or went to do, but what I found was not a note but a
set of keys.  That made my heart skip a beat, because if the keys were
still here, that meant he was still here too.  I suddenly ran back into the
living room, turned on all of the lights but didn't see him anywhere, and
then ran into the bedroom, and what I saw just about floored me.
       There on my bed lay my father sleeping with his arms wrapped around
the teddy bear that he gave me so many years ago.  It was such an
overwhelming and unbelievable sight, that I just stood there for I don't
know how long, but I just never wanted it to end.  Although, the only part
that I wanted to change was that it should be me lying in his arms just
like that, not the teddy bear.  I was torn over what I should do at that
point, do I get undressed and crawl into bed with him or just let him sleep
there the way he is and just crawl up on the couch for the night and face
it all in the morning. But decided this was my house and I was going to
sleep in my bed, and again at the same time chuckled to myself about what a
sick situation this whole thing was, because as always no matter what he
did, said, thought, as hard as I tried, no matter what I did I could not
get mad at him, couldn't hate him.  All I could ever do was love him, and I
guess that's the way it was always going to be.
       As I undressed I threw my clothes onto the chair next to the bed and
crawled in to bed under the covers, but realizing at the same time that not
only was this the first time I was ever sleeping in a bed with someone it
was also the first time I was sleeping without that bear, childish I know
but it is what it is.  But I also realized that the person laying next to
me was the physical life being of who that bear represented to me. Just
plain weird.  As I lay on my side just staring at him as he slept, he
really did look like an angel to me, had the most beautiful face, soft lips
that I wanted to kiss and touch so badly but at the same time knew that
they were off limits, and finally I decided to stop torturing myself and
just turned over to face the other way and fell asleep.
       The following morning I awoke with the strangest feeling that I was
breathing in someone elses scent, and was being held in place by an arm. At
that moment my eyes shot open and I realized where I was and what was
happening.  I had my face buried into my father's chest and his arm wrapped
around me and the teddy bear in between us.  It was the MOST wonderful
feeling that I had experienced to date, and one of the things that I had
wanted for so long, just to be held by him.  I didn't know whether to just
stay exactly like that until he woke up or try and pull out from his arm,
unfortunately I realized that I was going to have to do the latter since I
had to go to the bathroom so badly. But as I tried to turn in his arms to
slip out he only tightened his hold on me, it was apparent that I wasn't
going anywhere.