Date: Fri, 24 Jan 2014 16:55:18 +0000
From: Raul Bimenyimana <raulbimenyimana@hotmail.com>
Subject: Matters Of The Heart

                MATTERS OF THE HEART

Well I don't know where exactly to start my story from but I'd rather I
first introduced myself.

My name is Riley Mwendwa,I was born in Nairobi(Kenya) and lived there for
14 years of my life.Those 14 years of my life were basically the saddest
moments for me,that is until aunt Eva(bless her heart)came to my rescue.I
was an only child and there were no more children until I turned 10 after
my mother died and my dad got a step-mom.My father was the preacher of a
church while my mom was a stay-at-home housewife.Now Kenya just like almost
every other African state is not very friendly to homosexual
individuals.Almost everyone is homophibic,from the political leaders to the
cleric ones,and being born into a conservative home was not easy at all so
everyone was not accepting.Growing up I hnestly cannot remember if and when
I was ever attracted to the female species,not that I had problems with
them they were fantastic.

My relationship with my dad was never the one I saw with the other
neighbours' fathers and children,whereas the fathers would play and have
fun with their kids my dad would ignore me.My mother on the other hand was
very loving and more than compensated the love my father denied me.Apart
from my parents,there was aunt Eva,aunt Natalie and aunt Lydia they were
all my mother's sisters and loved me as well.My mom came from a family of
five,one boy and four girls my uncle Ben however died at a tender age so I
never got to meet him.

Growing up I was a bit shy prefering to be by myself but when I did play it
was with the girls from the neighbourhood,I preferred hopscotch with girls
especially Lily she was nice as opposed to soccer the boys were playing,I
also was a bit effeminate,I was different.This did not go well with my
father as well as the other kids in my neighbourhood.My father thought it
wrong for a boy to act like a girl so he "disciplined" me by the most
popular method in sub-sahara Africa,corporal punishment.I was just six
years old when he began hitting me correcting me he called it,he was
preventing me from turning into a demon-possessed faggot(his words not
mine).My mother was against it of course at first but once my father argued
out how the bible commands wives to be submissive to their husbands my
mother relented,my aunts especially aunt Eva were against it but there
wasn't much that could be done as corporal punishment was not illegal and
my father was well my father and had the ultimate say.I was very confused
with what was going on,I didn't understand my mistake I never did anything
wrong to anyone so I didn't understand why I was being punished.My father
warned me against playing with the girls and promised a good beating if I
tried.

I remember sitting by myself and the girls who I played with especially
Lily calling me to play,I would turn them down telling them I couldn't.It
wouldn't take me ten minutes and I would forget the warning offered and
play with the girls little did I know my father had assigned spies to watch
me.By spy I mean Rodney,a seven year old only a year older than me,he went
to the church my father ministered in and was told by my father to keep an
eye on me so as to help me not to turn into a spawn of the devil,I
imagine.Rodney and a couple of other boys were particularly mean to me and
called me names but most commonly used the term "chali-dem" which in
translated from the local sheng meant sissy boy in english.

When my father returned home he questioned if I had done as he said,I felt
guilty knowing father preached in church and in our home fellowships that
liars had their place in hell.Seeing that I wasn't answering him quick
enough he repeated the question,"did you play with girls today?" "no I.. I
did not" "so apart from disobeying you are now lying as well,I'll show you
how disobedient liars are corrected" the minute those words were said I was
led in to my bedroom by the ear."Aaaa"I cried,my mother who was in the
kitchen preparing dinner came quickly inquiring "what's the problem?" only
to be rebuffed and told "stay out of this woman,it is you and your sisters
who are responsible for making this boy go soft now back to the kitchen!"By
now his voice was raised to the point that I was sure the neighbours knew
there was an argument and would know what was happening.If he continued he
would probably turnish his reputation for being a peaceful and nonviolent(I
literally chocked on that word) man.His family was supposed to be an
example to the sinful families who were basically destined to be the coal
igniting hell to keep the fire burning(his words not mine).We were more
like assets to him than family.My mother didn't argue and went back to
resume her "wifely" duties.

Once in my room I was beaten and told to stay in the room and think of the
thing I'd done and how Jesus was disapponted in me.I was told never to lie
to him again as he will always know when I'm lying,of course I believed at
the moment not knowing Rodney had told my father.I came to know that Rodney
was the one telling my father when one day as mom had sent me out to buy
salt from the nearby kiosk(a small shop where we bought small items within
the neighbourhood) and I saw my father with none other than Rodney,the kid
who was always giving me a hard time.Even more surprising was that he was
giving him what appeared to be a gift.A toy I had asked him to buy for me
but had refused and what surprised me most were the words he'd said,"I am
so proud of you Rodney nice work".It didn't take a genius to know what work
my dad was saying,I already had my suspicions that Rodney was the one who
ratted me out to my dad.But that was not was most hurting.Never had he told
me he was proud of me,never had he given me a gift not even on my birthday
all my gifts were from my mom or aunts.He'd told me that I should be
grateful to God that I even had birhday parties that not even every child
had them.In that moment I was so hurt that I ran back home crying forgeting
that I was even sent.My mom was confused and asked me what the problem
was.I told her what had happened and how hurt I was,how much I'd like to
change so that my dad would say the words he was saying to Rodney."Never
change Riley,not for your father not for me not for anyone!"she almost
commanded.I know it was so cliche but I don't think there could ever be any
other more approprite words at that moment.Those words stuck with me till
this moment,so I didn't change even when my father continued with his
abuse,he grew tired eventually and I also made sure I stayed out of his
way.

My aunt Eva left for the U.S when I was seven,I was not to see her again
till my mother died I was ten by then.She died suddenly to meningitis.I was
crushed,I didn't think I would or could ever feel such pain before,my aunts
were very supportive and comforted me assuring me that things would get
better.I actually thought that they were wrong but things did get better
over time,I missed her so much but it wasn't painful thinking of her
anymore.Aunt Eva promised to take me with her when she came back.She felt
responsible for my well being considering I'd be stuck with my father but I
knew there was no way on earth my father would let me go just like that.


My dad didn't take that long to re-marry,I had always questioned his love
for my mother.My step-mother wasn't as bad as I thought,we weren't close
but not hostile with each other.We kept our distance and let each other do
their thing.Strangely enough I was even closer to her than my father.School
wasn't going to well for me,not that I had any problem with my school work
I was above average and got good grades,my social life however was the
pits.In Kenya there is no zero tolerance policy to bullying,yes bullying is
very much discouraged in teaching institutions.That however is in relation
to bullying under ethnic or religious or socio-economic background.Being
gay however doesn't fall under that category.I had been pretty much been
kicked,punched,shoved,smacked,slapped plus some number of moves I've seen
on wrestling beaten but no teacher really came to my rescue.Infact
homosexuality is taught as a vice in schools so that just gave the bullies
more amo.Going to highschool was even worse,in Kenya we have an 8.4.4
education system,meaning you get eight years of primary and four years in
both secondary and university.A lot of highschools in Kenya are most all
boys or all girls schools.Worst of all going through puberty at 14,that's
when I joined secondary,I would get hot and bothered from seeing the cute
boys and the worst feeling was that yoyu could do nothing about it.It was
like walking through a candystore salivating at all the good candy but not
getting to take even one with you.

Aunt Eva did come back for me when I was fourteen.I was so happy I had
missed her so much.She demanded she take me back with her to live with her
family,a lot had happened in her life.She was married to an American,Steve
was his name a kind,quiet man according to her and had a beautiful baby
girl whom she named Malaika(angel in Swahili,who had just turned 4.Of
course my father refused that such a thing happen,I was confused why
because he never cared much about me but aunt Eva did something I'm still
dumbfounded to date.She asked to speak with my dad in private which he
agreed to after hesitating for a while and when they were done talking I
saw something I thought I'd never see in my life.My dad had his head bowed
and it looked like he had been and was still sweating but that was nothing
compared to the best news I'd received in my life..well second best only to
the one my love had proclaimed to me."Riley your aunt and I have talked and
we have both come to the conclusion that you'd be best off living with
her,both me and your mother(my stepmother that is)will miss you".My father
was letting me go!!!!I couldn't believe it.I wondered what it was that had
caused this reaction from him."Thankyou!,thankyou so much!"I exclaimed
hugging him,I hadn't done it in a while and it became quite awkward when he
didn't reciprocate."Sorry" I said while withdrawing myself."Now that he is
under your care Eva I don't expect you to bother me about his upkeep and
things like that because under no.." "You don't have to worry about
anything I'll take good care of him with or without your help"aunt Eva
interrupted."Very well he'll stay with us until we sort out his paperwork
and all the legal matters are resolved but if he is not permitted by the
U.S embassy he stays,"dad said practically grinning at the last part of his
sentence.

If there ever were miracles going to the U.S with aunt Eva was one of
them.Maybe there really was a god that answered prayers.I couldn't wrap my
head around the fact that I had the chance to start out in life again in a
place where I could be myself and be safe about it.The U.S to seems like an
ordinary place to anyone who was born and grew up in the U.S but to me it
was like the land of milk and honey,my salvation and aunt Eva to me was
Moses leading me out of the house I lived in misery leading me to a place
of freedom and dreams.When my visa came I wasn't able to sleep the whole
night,I was up all night thinking,thinking of what lay ahead of me.Of
course aunt Eva made sure she gave me a lecture on behaving myself,"Now I
don't think I have much to say about discipline,seeing your mother raised
you so well"she said.I became a bit sad with the mention of my mom,"She
would have been so proud of the fine young man you've turned out to be
Riley."I could only smile at her and nod.I was staying at her hotel since
we had to get up early for our flight.Leaving home wasn't as emotional as I
think it's meant to be because my father wasn't present to bid me goodbye
but surprisingly enough my stepmom gave me a hug and told me to be
careful.Maybe she wasn't as bad as I thought.

I can't fully put in words the feeling I had when the plane took
off,uncertain of what was ahead but hopeful,a bit of relief.Turning to see
my aunt looking at me with a smile,I just smiled back no words were
needed.Looking out of the plane seeing the houses and buildings turn to
dots.It was quite surreal,being my first time on a plane I thought I'd be
scared but apart from being startled with the take off I was fine.We
transited through Amsterdam and went on with our journey reminding each
other of my fond childhood memories.We finally reached Philadelphia.As soon
as I got off the plane I felt a weariness that was quite new to me,"It's
called jetlag?" "huh?" "the fatigue its called jetlag its because of flying
through the different time zones" "oh?" "oh indeed, how about we find us a
cab and go home Riles" "ok," I said as we made our way through Philadelphia
International Airport.I couldn't help but stop and stare looking at the
things and people all new to me.I was gaping in amusement at a girl who was
wearing a skirt so short I don't even think they'd call it a miniskirt
anymore.I was interrupted by Aunt Eva's voice inquiring,"I thought you
liked guys?"I could hear the smile in her voice "I still do I was just
imagining what dad would say if she saw the girl in the miniskirt" "what
would he say" "He'd ask if the tailor ran out of material for the skirt"
and with that Aunt Eva laughed heartily clutching her ribs,she laughed so
hard that the people around us started staring and I became self
conscious."Oh laaawd have mercy" "Aunt Eva people are starting to stare at
us" "okay," and we finally went to get a cab.

Driving to aunt Eva's place we went through the city and I got to see the
amazing buildings,not that I hadn't seen tall buildings before Nairobi has
lots of them but they were not as tall or as beautiful.Then we came to a
stop as the cab had reached its stop.Exiting the cab I stared at aunt Eva's
house.Boy had I been doing a lot of staring lately.I was anxious not sure
of how Steve,Eva's husband would react to my intruding and even though Aunt
Eva had told me he had no problems with me being gay I was still uncertain
of his reception.

"Hi,you must be Riley,welcome I'm Steve and this is Malaika,welcome and
feel at home,"a man pointing at the swetest baby I'd ever seen greeted me
while extending his arm.Swiftly remembering my manners,I shook his
hand."Thankyou,Steve Aunt Eva has told me so much about you" "It's all good
I hope" "Its all good".Steve was a handsome man,about six feet,blue eyes,a
moustache that was well trimmed and almost golden skin that showed he had
some mediterenean blood in him since it turns out he was from Italy and I
was right .Malaika who seemed a bit shy to meet me hiding behind her father
peeked and I extended my arm and greeted her"Hi,Malaika""Hi" she squeaked
taking her former position behind her father.In general the whole family
was very friendly and didn't seem to mind at all that I was gay.

So I settled into my new home and started adjusting to my new
environment.The climate was much cooler compared to Nairobi where it was
either hot or wet,the coolest we got was during June and July and that
paled in comparison to the winter season in Philly.Moreover,I was used to
doing chores back at home especially after my mom died,but they had a
washing machine for washing clothes,a dishwasher for washing dishes ,a
vaccum cleaner and the kids still complained about doing chores when they
were almost doing nothing at all.

I'd just started high school,I was in the tenth grade.I started learning
how to wite some words, since colour was color now and stuff like that,but
the best part is that I made friends at school.Daniel,Claire and Sean all
warmed up to me on the first day.

I had various classes with each of them and they were all different in one
way or another,the first I met was Sean.Now if I thought I was a
flamer,Sean made my act look like child's play.He was dressed in drag,I
didn't even know they allowed students to dress like that in schools,well
they didn't where I came from and if they did the students would probably
got to school all black and blue and this colours wouldn't be from the make
up.He pointed me right out I guess it shouldn't be that hard to notice,he
has one wicked gaydar,even though I still believe no such thing exists.

"Hi,"he said "you must be new here I would have noticed such a cute face if
I saw it before"he practically drawled.I think my cheeks went red and I'm
not even white so I don't know how that was possible.Thankfully Claire
saved me from further harrasment,"Leave him alone Sean you're always
scaring the cute ones,hello my name is Claire,forgive my friend Sean" "Hi
I'm Riley" I said still blushing profusely I'd never got this much
compliments before and moms and aunts shouldn't count.To describe Sean
would be hard considering the amount of make-up he had on made him look
like some painting fresh off some amateur artist's studio.He was a few
inches shorter than me that would make him about 5"7,he had creamy white
skin,blonde hair,a lithe body not very different from mine except I had a
bit more definition,a longer than average neck that made him walk with a
grace I'd seen from the girrafes of Nairobi,his most outstanding features
were his hazel eyes that sparkeled with mischief.

Claire was one of the prettiest girl I'd ever met like Sean she had blonde
hair but hers was lighter almost white,she had light blue eyes and she was
shorter than both Sean and me but not by much.Her smile was one of those
you see in those toothpaste commercials on t.v,I'm not very good with
describing the best features of

I got to meet Daniel later on,in the literature class I shared with both
Sean and Claire.We were busy chatting while they were both filling me in on
who was who,who fucked who, who broke up with who,you know the same old
highschool gossip when Daniel interupted what Sean was saying by planting a
short but firm kiss on his lips.I gaped,I was doing a lot of that
recently,and Claire chuckled at my reaction."I don't believe I've had the
pleasure of meeting such a cutie,Daniel "he said while extending his arm
which I greeted blushing,was everyone here gay and a flirt.Somehow I felt I
had been teleported to a parallel universe where gay people were the
majority of the human species and heterosexuals were a minority but I knew
such a place would be too perfect to exist."Hi,I'm Riley just started going
to school here,"I introduced myself."Where are you from?""Nairobi,Kenya"
"Huh?" "It's in Africa,"I said deducing that he was not the smartest of the
bunch.Daniel was really cute,unlike both Claire and Sean he had red
hair,and that was the first person,I'd never seen that kind of hair colour
in person even though I'd seen it on t.v before.He was the tallest of all
of us,turns out he was an official of the school's drama group.Turns out he
had an off and on relationship with Sean.

Two weeks and school work was going on great I mean the classes were easier
than the ones in Nairobi and so were the tests,in my opinion at least.I was
getting A's in almost every class except Chemistry but I'd always had
problems with it but I still got a minimum of B.Turns out I was giving
Claire some competition in the academic department but the girl was a
genius and got all A's,however we didn't have any negative feelings for
each other instead we even got closer.The teachers were encouraging and the
students were friendly,maybe not all of them but most of them were at least
tolerant.Life was swell and couldn't be any better,I was still a bit upset
with my lovelife or the lack of that is.Eva was complaining that I was
doing too much housework,yeah I know how ironic that sounds but she felt as
if I was trying to pay my stay in their house but I more than reassured her
it was not that,that I actually liked doing the chores which I actually
did.

Two months into my stay in Philly and I hadn't met a single person that I
was very interested in and vice-versa,but I wasn't worried considering I
hadn't even turned 15 but all my friends seemed to have someone so I felt a
bit left out.So Saturday afternoon and everyone besides me had gone to do
something even Malaika had a playdate with one of her friends but I was
busy doing my laundry when I heard movement coming from the front door so I
went to check what it was only to be hit y an epiphany of some sort.You
know how people say how they first met the men and women of their dreams
for the first time and some divine bells chimed and chords were playing in
the background,some coup de foudre,I know for sure I fell in deep lust and
I fell hard,yeah you can take it to be literal or figurative.

"Hi,you must be Riley,I'm Frank and I was look...Hello are you fine,"the
angel that had miraculously fallen from the heavens to our doorstep was
talking to me but I couldn't fully register a word he was saying.Even his
voice had a fine baritone ring to it,his eyes were such a rich kind of blue
I couldn't help but stare into them,his dark black hair,his full red
lips,the moustache that complimented his facial features so well even if
they would have looked ridiculous on some others,his prominent adams apple
protruding from a very thick strong neck,the broad shoulders.."Hi,are you
listening?"he asked smirking "I'm sorry what did you say?" "Hi,I'm
Frank,"he repeated while presenting his arm for a handshake might I add
that it was dusted with black hair."I'm Lonnie,you must be Steve's
brother",I noted seeing some resemblance whilst gaining some sense of
speech that seemed evade me some time ago."Yah,it seemed like nobody was
home,I wanted to surprise everyone I'm just coming from school""Sorry no
one's around at the moment but they're supposed to come back at any moment
from now""You're Eva's nephew right?"he asked taking a seat"Yah,her and my
late mother are..were sisters" and from that point we sat while I recounted
my stories of how Kenya is and somehow found myself talking animatedly and
freely with this person that had nearly cut short the oxygen flowing into
my lungs some moment ago.

At the time glee as I had never felt the way I did for someone as I was
feeling for Frank little did I know what kind of turbulence was to upset my
new found life.