Date: Thu, 20 Mar 2008 12:55:36 -0400
From: Always Ready <alwaysready123@gmail.com>
Subject: So close, Yet so far away

"So close, yet, so far away."

It has been said that `family ties' are the ones that bind
the most.  In my opinion while those ties are so strong
binding, they are also just as pulling especially when you
are someone who is lusting for someone who is tied to you so
strongly but at the same time, untouchable.

     My brother Adam, the person that I admired most, the
person that I ran to when I was scared, the person I looked
to when I had questions, the person that I wanted to be when
I grew up.  The funny thing about it is that he is only 2
years older than I.  People used to comment on the fact that
it is so unusual how two brothers were so close to each
other that never seemed to fight.  And it was true, Adam and
I never fought with each other, we never really had anything
to fight about, most of the time we both got what we wanted,
and generally the things that Adam wanted were the things
that I wanted.  Our parents always told people it's only
because we were so close in age that could be twins,
literally connected at the hip.  And for a time, I myself
believed that. In fact I believed it to the point, that I
felt that he was a part of me, that anytime he was away from
me, there was a piece of me missing, without him I was not
complete.  It was not until I got older that I realized what
that feeling really meant.

     Through elementary school, and up through middle school
I saw myself as a normal kid, I was always very shy, I would
not say introverted but kept to myself.  During recess, I
used to sit on the side while all of the other kids ran off
to play on the swings or in the sand box, for whatever
reason I just never wanted to be a part of that.  I don't
think at that point that anyone really thought anything of
it.  I did have my friends that I played with, I had `play
dates' as my parents called them, they were few and far
between, but I had them.  Adam on the other hand, had a
circle of friends that to me seemed larger than the earth,
for as long as I could remember he had the entire world on a
string, he had a personality that drew people to him, and
not only did he have the personality, he had brains, he had
looks, he was just incredible and I always wanted that
myself, but was not as fortunate - at least in my eyes I was
not.  But that, that was only the beginning of it that was
what I saw when I was younger and still unsure of what life
really meant.

     But as all of this was going on, as we got older and
that wonderful stage of puberty hit, it was there that my
life changed where I realized, that I was different.  As
Adam was older than I, he hit that stage first, and all of a
sudden he went from my brother to my big brother, my big
beautiful brother.  Till we were about 12 we were both,
relatively the same height, had the same color hair - a dark
dirty blonde, I had brown eyes and his blue.  But at 12 all
of a sudden, to me, it seemed that I woke up one morning and
discovered that I was still a kid, and Adam was now this big
guy, he grew and grew to a towering 6 foot 4 inches, his
hair stayed dirty blonde, and his eyes turned to a sapphire
blue - the most incredible eyes you looked in them and got
lost - at least I did, but then again as I got older I found
out so did everyone else, family, friends and of course the
girls.  All you ever heard about him, `oh my god Adam you
have the most incredible eyes'  I on the other hand, grew to
five foot eleven, my hair turned to a darker brown, and my
eyes stayed the same old boring brown.

	But it was at this time that my trouble with Adam really
started.  As I noticed the changes in my looks and my body,
I also noticed another change in me.  When all of my so
called `friends' started to talk about girls, and how big
their dicks were, and how each discovered the wonderful
feeling of jerking off, I realized that I wanted nothing to
do with any of those discussions especially about girls, I
had absolutely no interest in them none what so ever.  What
did I have interest in? Boys.  Yes, I finally figured it
out, after sex education in school, and the wonderful world
of the internet, I was gay.  On the other hand, Adam was the
perfect example of a straight beautiful man.  He had
incredible looks, he was smart, he had a train of people
following him from one place to another, and he had girls
drooling after him.  And he loved every second of it, and
who could blame him.  As I was a freshman in high school and
he was a junior, I watched all this and was jealous.  I on
the other hand, went through school, just as a quiet pretty
far removed from everything.  He loved sports, captain of
all the teams, me hated sports, and even if I had liked them
it would have been fruitless because I was less than
athletically inclined, in fact I had no athletic abilities
what so ever.  He had brains, lots of them, me while I was
certainly not dumb I did well, had good grades, just not as
good as his.  But along with all of this, just as Adam had
for the past 15 years, he was always protective of me,
always found time to spend with me, and be the best friend I
could have.  I on the other hand while I loved his company
so much and wanted every opportunity to be near him and hug
him; it became increasingly more and more difficult to do
it.  Because not only did I have a deep dark secret that I
could tell no one, the fact that I was gay, but the secret
worse than that, was that I loved Adam, no I didn't love him
I was in love with him - and the more I realized it, the
harder and harder it got to be around him because I knew,
the one thing he wouldn't accept was his brother being gay.

	Every day that I got older, that same day my love and want
for him got stronger, it finally got to a point that every
time I saw him, heard him, felt his presence I was hard as a
rock, every ounce of my jerk off fantasies was about him,
nothing else, just him.  Those 2 years in high school with
him were the most difficult times.  But at the same time,
they made things a little easier.  While anytime he saw me
in a hallway or wherever he was on his way some where he
flashed me a smile whether off to game, or walking with a
girl on each of his arms, he did take the time to smile and
wave at me.  But it got to a point that I couldn't even
handle that anymore and I made it my business to avoid him
and everyone else really at all costs.  I went to school,
went to class did my work and left almost like an invisible
person.

	I backed away from all of my friends, not that I had
many, so that really wasn't too difficult, and I spent my
time in 4 places - school for the shortest time possible,
the library in the back corner out of the sight of anyone,
in the park just wandering, and in my bedroom with the door
locked.  Yet no matter what I did or where I was, the only
person running through my head was Adam.  I guess I really
had gotten into a depression and I didn't even realize it,
my parents asked me what was wrong, and my answer was always
`nothing, I'm just busy and tired, just leave me alone.'  I
heard them talking to my brother telling him to try and talk
to me, and he too just said, I've tried, he wont even come
near me anymore, and then said well `I've got a date so see
ya later'  and left the house.  In all honesty it really
felt like torture, everyone else could be around him, and
have his time, and I couldn't even be near him for 30
seconds because I would either wind up with a hard-on or
just start to cry.  And cry, well I did that every night,
cried myself to sleep, and these times I didn't have Adam to
run to and crawl into his arms anymore.  So many secrets and
no one to confide in, I was alone completely

     And the worst time of the year, the time I hated the
most, was Valentines Day, it seemed to me that everyone
always had a valentine, my parents had each other, Adam had
more valentines than I could count, more than he could count
I'm sure.  Me not one, and the even more sick thing was the
fact that my favorite flower was a rose.  Anytime I went to
the park I would sit and stare at the patch of roses that it
had.  I went to the library and looked up the origin of
roses, found out how they became a symbol of love past the
point of their color - quite interesting really.  And every
single year since I was a little kid and figured out that I
liked roses, there was always a rose stuck in the key hole
of the lock on my bedroom door.  Every freaking year, and
every single time, I asked my parents why they kept doing
it, they denied it each time, and each time it made me cry.

     But aside from all that, time passed quickly I became
as hidden as possible, away from my family and mostly my
brother, but it was finally time, that I was going to be a
junior and Adam, finally graduating from high school and
going off to college 3000 miles away in California, and
while it was the most painful thing in the world to know
that he was going to be so far away, and probably find a
girl that he would want to marry, it was the best thing in
the world for me. I would finally be able to at least make
it through a day of not having to hide my feelings from him
every time I saw him.  Maybe even get to sleep a little.

	That summer, was for some reason more difficult that
the past years have been probably the most difficult yet, I
guess the idea of him being so far away and the thought of
actually really losing him to some girl just made things
even worse.  He tried a number of times to spend some time
alone with me, but I just wouldn't, couldn't allow it, I
knew that all that would happen is that I'd start to cry and
would let everything out and then he'd hate me for real.
And then after all that I realized something even worse, he
stopped trying to spend time with me, so not only had I
tried to protect myself, I pushed him away at the same time.
But maybe it was for the better, there was no point anyway I
couldn't have what I wanted, why torture myself more.  It
came to that final night before he was to fly out to
Stanford to start college, and he asked me to go out to
dinner with him, just the two of us, and I so badly wanted
to go but on the same token I couldn't, I just couldn't, I
had so much fear of what would happen that I just turned the
other way.  But that time for whatever reason, he didn't
push, all he said was

	`Jim, after all these years of being together and being
your brother, being so close to you, and then all of a
sudden you cut me off, and everyone else, and wont talk to
anyone, I don't know what happened. I want to help you so
bad, but you won't let me in. I thought you knew that you
could tell me anything and it would never go further than
us, but I won't push you anymore, just know that I love you
and I always will, nothing in the world could ever change
that."
     He hugged me kissed me on the head, and got up to leave
the room, and all I could do was just lie on my bed and cry,
weep almost. And he turned around, came back to my bed,
forcefully grabbed my chin and then said to me `LOOK AT ME,
what the fuck is wrong? You've pushed me away the past 2
years, you wont talk to me won't be near me, what the hell
did I do??'

	And I just looked into his blue eyes and
finally lost it, and I just said to him `I'm gay'.

 	He just looked at me and started laughing and said "is that it?
That's what you've been afraid to tell me??

	And I justlooked at him and nodded. And he said to me "Jim you
don't have to be a rocket scientist to figure that out, I knew that years
ago, I don't give a fuck about that, I just wished you would have not been
so damn stubborn and told me so that we could have dealt with it together,
it's not fun to deal with it alone, trust me I know' And I looked at him
puzzled and he just chuckled some more and said "I just hide things a
little better than you do, and yea it up with a girl, I can do that, but
the only way is picturing it as a guy"

	and I finally said to him, `fine so you knew that, but that's not
what you'll hate me for"

	and he said `really so what am I going to hate you for?"

	and I just quietly said `I'm in love with you, I want you to be my
lover' and then looked away and started to cry again.

	He took my chin picked it up, wiped the tears off my cheek from
under my eyes, and leaned in and kissed me on the lips. Sat back and said
to me `Jim, you are the most beautiful creature I have ever layer my eyes
on.  Who do you think has put that rose on your door every year? Who do you
think has sat outside your door each night listening to you cry? I followed
you every single night to your little spot in the park or your little
corner in the library, it was the most I could do to get as close to you as
you would let me, and to make sure you didn't get hurt."

	And I just looked at him, and just asked `why?'

	And he responded `same reason as you I suppose, I was afraid you'd
hate me, Jim I love you, I always have I promise you, nothing will ever
change that, nothing is going to keep us apart anymore, we wasted so much
time, no more ok?"

	And he came in to kiss me again, but before I let him I said, `in
case you have forgotten you are leaving for Stanford in a number of hours,
3000 miles away, and even if I got in there, that's another 2 years, now
that we know and want to be with each other, we end up alone again for 2
years.'

	He smiled, and just said `I'll take care of that.'

	I started to ask how but he didn't give me the chance and pushed me
back on the bed and started kissing me, 17 years of lusting and wanting and
dreaming, the person that wanted most was going to make love to me. But I
stopped him, I wanted him to ravage me, I wanted him to fuck me senseless,
I wanted him to make me his, but there was one thing that I want right now,
more than anything, I just wanted him to hold me in his arms, something he
hasn't done in so long.  He looked at me, and I said,

	'just holds me in your arms'

	And he said `I will every night for the rest of our lives, but
right now I have another task at hand'.  And he proceeded to literally rip
my shirt off me, slipped my jeans off (nice to have that type of strength
isn't it?)  And he licked my entire body from head to toe licked my ear.and
just said that he loved me.  And then spent the next 6 hours making love to
me.

     He never got on that plane the next day, decided to take a year off
before starting college, transferred to NYU.  And from here, I finally
understood what a blood loving relationship really meant, what it meant to
be with someone you really love, maybe we were the same soul, that when
putting the 2 halves together you had completion and love.

As I sit here 20 years later, being told that I should get my ass in bed
already, I will close this by saying one thing - Don't waste time fearing
what could go wrong, jump on it before you lose the opportunity altogether.


Thanks for reading, oh and if you're wondering, yes it really is true.

Comments to: alwaysready123@gmail.com