Date: Sun, 21 Nov 2010 11:12:33 -0500
From: Z McGuire <zanemcguire@hotmail.com>
Subject: That Unspoken Bond - Part 1

That Unspoken Bond - Part 1
By Zane McGuire
zanemcguire@hotmail.com

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Some people believe that there's no such thing as being "gay" or being
"straight;" that it's a circumstantial thing and that, given the right
situation, anyone can potentially be attracted to either the same or
opposite sex.

Now, I don't know if that's true or not, but I certainly had my eyes opened
recently to an experience that I never, in a million years, would have
expected to happen to me.

My name's Seth Armstrong and this is the story of how my twin brother,
Sage, talked me into doing something that I'll never forget... and
hopefully, neither will you.

I guess I should start with a little backstory.  Sage and I are twenty-six
years old, the only children of Allen and Pepper Armstrong.  Dad was a
career army man; he spent the bulk of our childhood in the middle east or
in various army bases across the country.  Suffice it to say, we were never
really close.  Mom, god love her, was an alcoholic.  She had a good a
heart, but was never terribly dependable.  We were raised, for the most
part, by our Nana and Pop, Dad's parents.  They died about five years ago,
first Nana and then a heartbroken Pop, which devastated my brother and I.

Sage and I had always been more than twins; he was my best friend.  Maybe
it was because our parents were so fucked up, but we always came to lean on
each other.  However, as twins often do, we bickered and fought constantly,
which was always a challenge for Pop; he wanted to install a sense of
mutual admiration between us and I think as we got older we grew to
understand what he meant.

"Boys," he'd say to us, "there's an unspoken bond between twins."  And Pop
would know, he was also a twin, to our long-deceased great uncle Fred.
"You'll always have someone out there who understands you, respects you,
defends you.  Someone who will always have your back when the chips are
down.  Never forget that."

And we didn't.  After Pop died, we'd talk about our "unspoken bond" often,
especially if we found ourselves on opposite ends of an issue.  Which
wasn't uncommon.

Sage is... very different from me.  In fact, despite our identical
appearance, he's pretty much my polar opposite in all other ways.  I've
always been more conservative and grounded; Sage is wild and free-spirited.
I went to college; Sage was content to work odd jobs and be a "student of
life."  I had a longtime girlfriend, Molly, whereas Sage treated women like
tissues to be used and discarded.  His lack of respect for himself and the
people around him were constant sources of irritation to me.

To be fair, though, my "stick up the ass" routine was a constant source of
irritation to him.  He was constantly on me to loosen up, to try new
things, to take chances.  And, though I would NEVER admit it to him, I knew
that just as he needed a bit of responsibility and focus, I needed a bit of
fun in my life.

One thing that Sage and I had in common was a respect for our bodies.  We
both enjoyed working out and keeping ourselves in fine form.  For Sage, it
was a way to compensate for our short stature (we were both around 5'6",
give or take) and to make himself appealing to the women he pursued.  For
me, it was about staying healthy and active and also a necessary factor in
my job as a nutritionist.

After Nana and Pop passed away, Sage and I agreed that he would keep their
house, since by that time I'd already purchased my own condo and, to be
frank, Sage's prospects at holding down any job long enough to pay rent
were unlikely.  Within a year, I'd helped pay for Sage to transform Nana's
old sewing room in the basement into a fully functional gym.  I was over
there at least three or four times a week working out.  It was a win/win
situation; it was convenient to my job, I could avoid gym expenses, it was
a way to still feel connected to Nana and Pop and it was a great way for me
to spend quality time with my brother.

About six months ago, Sage and I had our biggest falling out yet when I
learned that he'd lost the job I'd helped him get as a wrestling coach at
the local high school after it was revealed he'd been sending inappropriate
emails to one of the cheerleaders.  Nothing sexual had occurred between
them, and the girl was only weeks away from being eighteen, but it was
still a terrible case of bad judgment.

Sage had dismissed it as no big deal, whereas I was livid.  Not only had he
lost the best job he'd ever had, one that I had pulled a lot of strings to
get for him, but he'd embarrassed me in the process.  I'd lost face with a
lot of folks at the school, and I vowed to never put myself out there for
him like that again.

We didn't speak for about three months after that.  It was hell; I felt
perfectly justified in my anger, but I missed my best friend.  As time went
by, I started to feel bad, and I was just about to reach out to him to
patch things up when HE called ME.  I guess that was that unspoken bond
that Pop used to talk about.

Sage apologized to me and agreed that he'd made a huge mistake and promised
to never do anything to embarrass me again.

Which brings us to the here and now.  In the last few weeks, things had
changed dramatically for both of us.  In an effort to loosen up, I'd agreed
to go with Sage to get a tattoo.  While Sage had two already (one on the
back of his calf and the other on his left shoulder) I'd left my body
unmarked.  I didn't really have any objection to body art, it just had
never seemed to be... me.  But after Sage spent a long evening rambling on
and on about self-expression and embracing my inner warrior, I finally
agreed to get a tattoo (mostly to shut him up.)

I picked out an interesting looking tribal band to go around my right
bicep.  To my surprise, Sage told one of the other technicians that he
wanted the exact same band to be placed on his right bicep.  I told him he
was taking the twin thing too far, but he had a sincere look on his face
and he said "it's the unspoken bond, Seth.  For Pop."

No more words needed to be said.  We walked out of that tattoo place
feeling closer than ever; everytime I saw that tattoo I thought of him and
how he shared the same marking and it just made me feel... complete.  I
can't explain it.

Suffice it to say that my girlfriend, Molly, had a completely different
take on the situation.  She was furious.  Things had been tense between us
for a while now, but the tattoo was the breaking point.  She hated the way
it looked, she ESPECIALLY hated that Sage had the same one and she hated
that I didn't talk to her about it before I'd had it done.  Okay, maybe she
had a point on that last one, but it was all part of that "impulse" thing
that Sage was trying to bring out of me.

And so it came to be that Molly and I split up.  Oddly enough, I felt a
sense of relief once she was gone.  I didn't realize until then how much
stress our fractious relationship had put on me, and I felt free.  Sage,
bless his heart, bit his lip, although I know he never liked Molly.

Meanwhile, as I was ending one chapter in my life, my brother was beginning
a new one in his.  He'd worked an odd job or two here or there after the
drama at the high school, but a few weeks back he'd told me that our high
school pal, Drew, had gotten him some part time work at his photography
studio.  Sage told me that he was helping with the lighting, building sets
and running errands.

I had a hard time picturing my brother enjoying that kind of work; in my
mind I was picturing those old Olan Mills scenes, with two surly parents, a
pack of four obnoxious kids and their dog, posing in front of Bob Ross
watercolors or fake farm fences.

Sage chuckled and said there was some of that, sure, but most of the stuff
was more professional and artsy.  He didn't talk much about work, but he
seemed to find his center and he was bringing home some decent money, as he
started dressing a bit better and he finally got the paint job on his
Silverado fixed.  I also noticed that he'd stepped up his game,
health-wise, and was focusing less on weight management and more on
building up muscle mass.  I wondered if there wasn't a lady photographer at
the office that he had his eye on.

One night, while we were finishing up a workout in the basement, I noticed
that Sage was uncharacteristically quiet.  He clearly had something on his
mind.  After I showered and changed, I joined him by the weight bench,
where he was rubbing his lower lip thoughtfully.

"Spill it," I said, sitting on a bouncy exercise ball.

He grinned.  "It's that obvious, huh?"

"Yeah, I can always tell when you have something on your mind."

"I know, I know, the unspoken bond..."

"Well, yeah, but also because you do that thing with your lip."

He chuckled, pulling his hand away self-consciously.  "Listen, I
uh... jeez, I don't even know how to start this."

My smile faded away as I found myself growing concerned.  "Sage.  This
sounds serious, bro."

"It is.  Well, it MIGHT be.  I'm just not sure."

"Well, you need to just spit it out now, or else I'm going to think the
worst."

He seemed to understand and took a deep breath.  "It's about work.  Well,
about the job."

"Oh no.  Tell me you didn't quit or get fired."

"No, no, no, nothing like that.  In fact... I guess you could say I've been
offered a promotion."

"A promotion?" I wondered what that would entail?  He had no photography
skills to speak of, so what else could they have in mind for him?  "I'm not
following."

"Okay, Seth, just bear with me here and try to unclench for a minute
because I'm going to need you to have an open mind."

"Aw jeez."  I exhaled, bracing myself for whatever he was about to lay on
me.

"Here's the deal.  You know that I told you that Drew's studio is doing
really well and stuff?"

"Right.  You said they got the deal with the elementary school to do the
class pictures and stuff, right?"

"Right.  But that's only part of what Drew does.  That's the part that pays
the bills and whatnot."

"Okay, I am with you so far.  You told me a lot of the work he does is spec
work for the university and stuff.  Art students, etc."

"Well... yes and no.  There's college students involved, for sure, but it's
less art and more... um..."

I waited for him to finish, but clearly he was expecting me to pick up some
kind of hint.  I wasn't.  "More... what?"

"Um... let's say erotic work."

"Erotic..." Suddenly a light bulb went off in my head.  "Porn.  You mean
porn."

He grinned.  "Yeah.  Drew's secondary line of business is a website
focusing on college students.  Well, college men, anyway."

I rubbed my temples.  "I think I see now where this is going."

"So, see, I've been helping out a lot with that stuff too.  Doing office
paperwork for the models, dealing with advertisers, getting some marketing
stuff done.  The site's really blown up and he's..."

"Sage," I said holding my hand up to stop him.  "Just tell me you're not
saying you want to be a porn star now."

He laughed.  "I don't want to be a porn star now."

"Oh thank god." I took a deep breath and gathered my wits.  "Okay, now that
I'm back down to earth, I'm cool with the open mind bit.  I don't have any
issue with the porn industry.  God knows I've enjoyed the occasional
Playboy in my day..."

"Right!" Sage said, seemingly relieved that I hadn't run out the door in a
fit of moral rage.  "Exactly.  So, um, with that in mind..."

"So, what's Drew want you to do?  Does he need an office manager or
something?  You might be good for that."

"No, no, it's nothing like that."  He stood up and rubbed his hands
together.  "Look, let me just finish..."

"Okay, sorry, go ahead."

"So, um... so, no, I don't want to be a porn star now.  However, that's not
really what Drew's site is all about.  See, he does mostly pictorials and
videos of college-aged guys, you know... um... pleasuring themselves."

The relief I'd experienced just moments ago washed away, replaced again by
a sense of dread.  "So, you DO want to be a porn star?  Jesus, Sage..."

"No, Seth, just listen to me and stop being a Judgy McJudgerson."

I chuckled slightly at his expression, but made a friendly "zipped lip"
motion across my mouth.

"It's not porn!  It's not like I'd be... you know... fucking someone or
whatever.  It's just pictures... and, uh... maybe some video... of me doing
stuff and, uh... you know..." he made a jerking motion with his arm.

I rolled my eyes.  "What kind of 'stuff'?"

"You know, like... um... punching a bag... doing some stretches... taking a
shower..."

"Wow, maybe I'm out of touch, but porn sure has gotten boring lately.
What, no 'here's your hot steaming pizza, ma'am...' scenes?"

He frowned at me and crossed his arms.  "I told you, it's not that kind of
site."

"Wait," I said, thinking back to his earlier explanation.  "You said this
site focuses on college men.  You specified men.  Is this a gay site?"

He scratched his head sheepishly.  "Well, uh... it's sort of geared toward
gay men, yeah, but most of the models are completely straight.  Some are
gay, but not all."

"Oh my god.  So you not only want to be a porn star, you want to be a GAY
porn star?"

"It's not like that!" he yelled, his face growing red in frustration.
"Damn it, Seth, I knew I shouldn't have told you about this.  You aren't
even listening."

I sighed and tried to keep my voice even.  "Okay, okay, fine, whatever.
Why DID you tell me this?  I mean, it's not like I frequent gay porn
sites..."  He opened his mouth to object but I corrected myself
"Sorry... sites featuring straight men posing nude and masturbating for gay
men that are not, absolutely not, unequivocally NOT pornographic."

"Smartass."

"So why, then?  Why tell me at all?"

"Because... well... the fact is, if I do this, and I haven't decided yet,
those pictures are going to be... out there.  You know.  And people will
see them.  People who might know you.  People who might judge you..."

"Oh my god," I said, feeling the blood drain from my face.  "I hadn't even
thought of that.  I mean... god, Sage, people might actually think it's ME
doing it."

He sighed.  "Right.  Now you see where I'm going with this."

"Don't do it." I said flatly.  "You can't.  I'm sorry, I know it sucks, but
we're twins and it's not just you that you have to think about.  If you do
this, it could ruin my career.  Don't do it.  You can't."

He nodded, but I could tell he was disappointed.  "I... I figured you'd say
that.  I guess I just thought... I don't know."

"What?  What exactly were you thinking?"

"It's just... look, Seth, the thing is, we're not the same, you and me.  I
have a life of my own with my own goals and my own plans.  I know it might
not seem that way, but I do.  And this job... the actual job, not the
modelling thing, it's the best job I've ever had.  People need me.  People
depend on me.  And I'm making decent money.  And they are coming to me and
saying 'we can offer you even more' to do something that, quite honestly,
I'd enjoy doing."

"You would?"  I was confused.  "You'd... enjoy showing off for a bunch of
gay guys?"

"Sure," he shrugged.  "You know how I am, I love attention.  It's not
pretty and it's probably not something I should be proud of, but I enjoy
it.  And the idea that someone thinks I'm sexy enough to do something like
that?  Hell yeah, that's flattering.  The gay thing... heck, you know that
doesn't bother me, we were raised..."

"I know, I know," I interjected, "I didn't mean it that way, either.  I'd
feel the same way if it was for women or whatever."

"Yeah.  So, it just feels like... I'm actually doing something with my life
now.  And yeah, I know it's not what YOU'D do or something you'd even think
of as a valid job or whatever, but it's something.  And I think..."

"Stop."  I walked away for a minute, taking in all he was saying.
"So... so you'd, what... do a little scene, jerk off on camera and that's
it?  They'd pay you for that?"

"Dude... they'd pay me A LOT for that."

"Really?"  I was flabbergasted.  The concept had never even come on my
radar, but I found it intriguing.  "I just can't imagine."

"Look, Seth, if I'm being honest... I already did the shoot."

"You WHAT?"

"Relax, relax.  Drew has been on me for weeks about doing it, but I had the
same concerns you do, not the least of which was whether or not I could
even... you know... perform in front of a bunch of guys.  But he talked me
through it, let me watch them shoot some other dude's scene and it... well
it's a lot more technical than I ever expected.  It's a lot less creepy,
too."

My face flushed in anger. "So you are telling me, what, this is a done
deal?  It's already out there and this whole thing... you asking for my
blessing... was a waste of time?  That there are people out there now
watching you jerk off on a website thinking it might be ME?"

"Seth.  Relax. No, that's not happening."

"But you said..."

"I said the shoot was done.  The pictures.  I haven't done a video yet,
there's nothing on the website.  I just did the shots that would accompany
a video, if and when I do the video scene."

I felt my blood pressure return to normal.  "This is just all too much.  My
brother... my straight brother... taking naked pictures for a bunch of
dudes..."

"Look, it's not nearly as bad as you think it is."

"Really, Sage?  Because it sounds pretty bad."

He rubbed his shaved head with both hands and bit his lip.
"Look... just... Oh what the fuck, here, look at this."  He grabbed his
phone from the windowsill and tapped a few times on the touch screen.  He
handed it to me.

The screen was filled with a shot of Sage, dressed in a sharp white shirt,
untucked, with blue jeans, leaning against a brick wall.  A bright, toothy
smile crossed his face.  He looked happier and more relaxed than I'd ever
seen him.

"Well this is... this is actually pretty nice.  A good picture of you."

"Right.  Now tap the screen."

I did as he asked and another shot filled the screen.  This time, he was
sitting on the ground, his back against the wall, his shirt slightly
unbuttoned and his knees pulled up against him.  The focal point of the
picture was clearly the bulge in his jeans (which, I had to admit from a
purely academic standpoint, was substantial and impressive) but it was
otherwise tasteful.

"This one's a bit saucier, but still not too bad."

"Tap again."

I looked at him.  "I'm wondering if I even want to see whatever's next."

"Just trust me."

I took a deep breath and tapped the screen.  The next shot was definitely
racier; it was a profile shot done in black and white.  He was shirtless,
but his torso was turned slightly so you could see the muscles in his back
as well as his lightly furry chest.  The focal point in THIS shot was
clearly his round ass, hidden from view beneath some very tight white
briefs.  I had to admit, this wasn't quite what I was expecting based on
his description.

"These are like... I mean, they're clearly meant to be provocative, but
they're more like... muscle magazine pictures or something."

"Right, that's what I'm saying."  Without waiting for his permission, I
tapped the screen again.  "No, wait, don't..." he called out, but it was
too late.

"Whoa," I said, gazing at the screen.  There was my brother, completely
bare ass naked, leaning back under a shower head.  Water was pouring down
over his tanned body, his hands placed behind his head and his eyes closed
in a seductive manner.  But clearly the focal point of THIS shot was his
massive, hard cock.  It sprung forth from his waist majestically, fully
engorged.  Water was dripping from his tightly packed balls, hanging
between his muscled legs.

Now, let me explain something; even after all these years of working out
together, Sage and I didn't make a habit of showering or changing in front
of each other, so seeing my brother naked, much less with an erection, was
not an everyday occurrence.  I found myself mesmerized by the image;
because we were twins, it was a bit like discovering someone had taken
X-rated pictures of you without your permission.  At once disconcerting and
at the same time... feeling like 'damn I look good!'

I handed the phone back to him silently.  His face was beet red.  "So,
uh... no tan lines, huh?"  It was the only thing I could think of to say at
that moment.

He clicked off the screen and sat the phone down on the floor.  "You,
uh... weren't supposed to see that one."

"Yeah, well... I can see why."

"Look, Seth, it's not..."

"It's okay," I said, raising my hand. "Look, yeah, it was a bit of a shock,
but I have to say, even that picture was well photographed.  I mean, I was
expecting it to be... I don't know... brightly lit and sort of cheesy."

"Yeah... Drew's actually really good at what he does.  I felt very
comfortable."

"Clearly."  I shot him a look.  We sat there in awkward silence for a bit
before breaking out into nervous laughter.  "Oh my god," I said, wiping
tears from my eyes.  "I can't believe I just saw that."

"I can't believe you saw it, either."

"It's just... it was so... you know..."

"What?  Huge?  Amazing?  AWESOME?"

I cracked up.  "You are a total jackass."

"Still," he said, getting hold of himself, "I guess you can see why Drew
thinks I'd make a good model.  Us Armstrong boys are certainly blessed in
the good."

I blinked a few times.  "I... guess... I mean, I've never really thought of
it that way.  I mean, Molly never complained.  She never told me I was
particularly... you know, endowed or whatever, but..."

"Well, if I'm being totally honest, it's mostly about the lighting and the
angle and... okay, I MIGHT have taken a little blue pill before."

My eyes flew open in shock.  "Seriously?"

"Yeah.  I guess it's standard practice now."

"Wow.  You learn something new everyday."

He grinned.  "So... that's that, huh?  It's a no?"

"Look... Sage, I don't want to take the wind out of your sails or whatever,
it's just... I don't know, man... that's a lot to ask."

"I know.  I really do."

"But it seems to be really important to you."

He paused and a look of hope appeared in his eyes.  I didn't quite
understand it, but it was clear how much this meant to him.

"It is important to me, Seth.  But I... I would never do anything to cause
you embarrassment.  I promised you that after... well... everything at the
school.  And that's more important to me.  So if you say no, yeah, I'll be
disappointed, but I won't do it."

"Wow."  I stared at him for a moment, taking in the magnitude of what he
was saying.  Without thinking, I reached out and wrapped my arms around
him.  We weren't exactly touchy feely types, but we were certainly
comfortable with little intimacies, so embracing him wasn't unusual.  He
returned my hug with power, as often happens when your emotions are running
high.  I slapped him softly on the back, and as I did, I had a flash of him
standing in profile in that one picture, with his back muscles on full
display.  For a split second, I found myself curious about what the rest of
those pictures were like, but I quickly dismissed the thought.

As I pulled away from him, I placed my hands on the side of his face and
gazed deeply into his eyes.  "Look... I tell you what.  I can see how
important this is to you, and I can't deny how good it would be to see you
have some purpose and satisfaction in your life... even if it's something I
don't completely understand.  So let me think about it for a bit and get
back to you, okay?"

He nodded, still holding my gaze.  "Thanks, bro, I can't tell you how much
that means."

I smiled an bent his head forward, kissing him softly on his forehead.
"Okay then.  I better get going."  Turning away I leaned down and gathered
up my discarded gym clothes, sneakers, etc, tossing them into my bag.
Throwing the bag over my shoulder, I gave him a slight nod goodbye and made
my way out.

It was definitely a lot to think about.  I found myself lost in thought as
I drove home.  Realizing just how bizarre tonight had been, but unable to
deny how happy it made Sage to consider doing this.  And, I couldn't deny,
it meant a lot to me that he'd even BOTHER to consider my feelings in the
matter.  That showed that he was growing up a bit and taking a bit more
responsibility, even when it was down a path that I'd never thought of.

As I sat alone in my empty apartment, I wondered what Molly would say about
all this.  She'd probably shriek and wail about how perverted it was and
how selfish Sage was being.  And I probably would have agreed with her.
But now... I don't know, maybe I was loosening up a bit.

Just then, I heard a strange sound coming from my gym bag.  Curious, I dug
around inside and, at the bottom of the bag, I found the source of the
noise.  It was Sage's phone.  I must have tossed it in the bag by mistake,
as he'd sat it down on the floor next to my shoes earlier.  It was
vibrating and the screen said "Me".  I clicked to accept the call.

"Hey," I said.

He hesitated for a moment.  "Hey!  Seth?  What... do you have my phone?"

"Yeah, sorry, I must have picked it up by accident when I left."

"Damn, I've been looking all over for it!  I was just calling it to see if
I could hear it vibrate somewhere."

"No worries, I'll bring it over to you tomorrow."

"Cool, thanks bro.  And thanks again for listening tonight, it meant a lot
to me."

"Me too, Sage.  Night."

"Night."

I clicked "END CALL" and laid back on my bed, taking in the evening's
events.  I thought about what he said about how flattering it would be to
have people think of you as sexy, and I agreed with him.  Hell, it had been
so long since a woman had told me I was attractive, that I could totally
understand the appeal of having people (even gay guys) drooling over you.

And I couldn't help but think of those pictures of Sage and wonder if I
would look as good doing the same thing; was it REALLY the lighting, the
angles, the Viagra?  Or was it something about Sage's cockiness and
confidence, two things I never really had.

I picked up his phone and clicked on the photo album.  I wondered if he'd
think it was a violation if I took another peek at those pictures.  I
figured he probably wouldn't care, after all, I was his brother, and it was
just curiosity and a bit of my own ego that made me want to see what else
Sage had gotten up to in that photo shoot.

My heart began to beat faster, but I wasn't sure why... was it because I
knew what I was about to do was an invasion of my brother's privacy?  Or
was it some other reason?  I shook my head, deciding I was overthinking the
situation.

Picking up the phone, I clicked the tab that led to the photo album.
Inside was a folder called "XPicsDrew."  That had to be the one.  Opening
the folder, the screen immediately filled up with the familiar shot of Sage
leaning against the wall.  I quickly clicked through the first two before
the shot of him in the shower with a full erection popped on to the screen.
Now my heart was absolutely racing.

I lay back on my bed, staring at the photo, hesitating before moving
forward.  If I looked at what lay beyond this picture, I was sure to be
seeing my brother in some very compromising positions.  I wasn't sure how I
felt about that.  Part of me was intrigued, the other part slightly
jealous... jealous of his ability to relax and do something so... edgy.
But I was surprised that I didn't feel repulsed or generally grossed out.

I felt my mouth go dry as my thumb hesitated above the touch screen.  With
just a single tap, there'd be no going back.  Closing my eyes, I touched
the screen.

Taking a deep breath and trying to settle my nerves, I opened my eyes.  It
took a second for the image to register in my mind, but when it did... I
gasped.  I hadn't really given much thought to what kind of poses I might
see next, but... well... THIS was not one I was expecting.

Something else I wasn't expecting?  The sudden stirring I felt in my shorts
as I gazed at the picture before me...

TO BE CONTINUED...