Date: Wed, 08 Feb 2006 19:00:22 +0000
From: smkauf01@gmail.com
Subject: The Way It Began

This is my first submission to Nifty as well as being a true
story.  The names have been left out as a matter of privacy.
But aside from that all is true, and this is my experience.
Any questions or comments and if there is interest in the
rest of my experience  please email me at
smkauf01@gmail.com

I have been looking at my father since I was about 12. Cock wise
he is about my size a good 8 inches and his balls were good
size, but what got me was his thickness, I mean beer can
thick. Anyway around the time that I was 12, when we'd go to
the beach or to the pool I always admired his body, well
built hairy as anything.  I'd sit and stare at him and he
never really noticed.  I'd sneak into his bedroom, when my
mom was out and watch him undress and go into the shower.
And I'd say just before my 13th birthday I finally came out
to him. Told him I was gay, he laughed and said "No shit,
Sherlock."

     So after I told him he just walked away. I followed him
and said you're ok with it? He said "I don't care, you do
what you want with yourself, just be careful." and left it
at that.

So another 6 months went by and I went on following and
spying on him. I would time it right for when he'd come home
and jump in the shower, I'd be hiding in the closet or in his
room, until finally he caught me there. He stood in all his
glory and this time there was no smile on his face and asked
me "what the fuck are you doing?" I didn't know what to say,
didn't know what to do I just froze.

     I told him well u were understanding about my coming
out to u, and I've looked at a lot of men and I've always
compared them to you and always said my dad looks better
than him etc. And he just stared at me I don't think he
realized that he was still naked, and he asked me so what's
your point? And I said to him "I think you are really hot
and I know it's sick and not right but I do" and he stared
more-I could see the fire in his eyes but there was also a
glimpse of curiosity and I still wasn't sure what he was
going to do, and I said to him finally "look you always
taught me to tell the truth and be honest, so here's the
truth: I've never been with a man before I've played with
other kids and myself, but never with a real man.  And I
know you'd never do it, but I've always wanted it to be you"-
and I had tears rolling down my face and there was no answer
from him he just stared at me, so I then said I'm sorry and
I just ran out, grabbed my shoes and left the house ran over
to a friend of mine and stayed there for a while and then
went back to my house. He saw me and looked away, didn't say
a word actually didn't talk to me for days.  At that point I
figured I had ruined the relationship I had with my father
and at the perfect time too my birthday was in two days. Well
basically he didn't speak to me for over a week and my
birthday rolled around we did the whole cake thing, he sat
there with my mom, didn't say a word other than the happy
birthday thing, so that it didn't look suspicious and then
he got up and walked out--I just went down to my room.

     I was miserable since my dad and I had always gone out
on my birthday just the two of us, he'd take me for dinner
and we'd catch a movie or something, but it wasn't happening
this year that was obvious. He didn't come down or anything
to say something to me finally the next day my mom went out
to her parents house, took my brothers with her and I was
left alone with my dad. And I hated it, couldn't stand the
silence. I hate silence more than being yelled at I had
wished he would stand there and scold me or yell at me but
nothing, just silence.  I wanted to know one thing from him,
so I decided that if there was a time to ask now was it I
went into the kitchen stared him straight in the eye, and
asked him do you ever intend on interacting with me again
other than when u are forced to? Again just silence and I
said I take that as a no. I had tears in my eyes, but
figured that was it and I said to him that I was sorry I
ever said anything and that I ruined the friendship that he
and I shared and I walked out. Went downstairs to my room,
got dressed packed a bag, called my mom told her I was going
to a friends house for a few days and walked out, which
wasn't true since I had no friends to go at that point all
lived too far away to get to on my own. I really didn't know
where I was going, but I just left and started walking. I
didn't get too far down the street, when I stopped turned
around stared at the house praying that he'd come out after
me. But the door never opened so I walked and walked  for
over 3 hours just wandering I was crying more than anyone
could imagine and tears freeze when its 20 degrees outside.

     I had my winter coat and all for some odd reason I
decided to walk back towards the house wishful thinking I
guess, and interestingly enough his car was gone my heart
jumped a beat, I thought maybe he went out looking for me,
but I never found out, I waited about an hour...and then
left. Walked down to a family friend that had a house about
2 miles away, and asked if I could stay there for a while.
Told them a whole story about how I got into a fight with my
dad and that I just didn't want to be there anymore and told
them that I had told my mom I was going to a friend for a
few days and asked him not to tell them I was there he
agreed and I stayed there for a long time...almost a week. I
called my mother twice at work so that she wouldn't worry
but also told her that he and I had gotten into a big fight
and that I didn't want to be around him anymore but asked
her not to say a word to him and at least let him wonder a
bit what happened to me, and hopefully would spark something
in him. My mother was puzzled but she knew something was up,
and I told her to just do it for me. She said ok so finally
I called my mother a 3rd time to ask her if he had asked her
anything about me and she said no, and that about killed me.
So I went home and again just plain silence from him.  He
wouldn't even acknowledge me.

     This went on for another month I mean it was just
horrible,  I considered suicide figured that would do him in
but I couldn't do it to my mother it'd kill her faster than
him so threw that idea out so early February, I had been
home but I don't think the 2 of them knew it and she finally
said to him, I don't know what the hell is going on between
the two of you, but it's obvious he's hurting and he won't tell
me anything, and you haven't said a word, so what the hell
is it? And he said to her very quietly and calmly "he told
me something that I didn't want to know and it changed
everything between he and I, and none of it can be changed
back, and don't ask me what it was because I cant tell you
that, the one thing I will honor about it was that he told
me in privacy, but I just cant accept it and it is difficult
for me to be around him now"

          So I climbed out the window and came back to the
house as if I had been out the whole time and figured that
after hearing all of that I was going to make one last ditch
effort and in front of my mother, I walked in and said to
him, "I'm sorry I told you what I did and I don't expect
there to be anything between us as father and son or friend
and I will miss it, but its my fault and I'm sorry and I
don't know if you told mom what happened, don't care at this
point, just sorry I did it and I went and hugged him, again
no movement, didn't hug back, just sat there hugged my mom
told her that I was sorry to have done this to them. And I
walked out of the room went downstairs closed the door and
went to sleep. I had dreams of killing myself, running away
for good, all that kind of crap I mean I didn't expect to
speak to the man ever again and I didn't for almost an
entire year, my mother used to ask me `you aren't even going
to try and talk to him?' and I told her no, he made his
point I heard the two of you talking that day, I was home, he
doesn't want anything to do with me anymore, and I'm not
happy about it but he said nothing can be changed back she
shook her head and kept telling me to rethink it and I said
no. and I asked her, have u told him to try and make amends,
and she said yea numerous times and it didn't work so I said
there you go, its useless.

     This went on for a year until my 14th birthday. I told
my mom I didn't want anything this year, no cake nothing just
don't want it.  She looked at me, asked me if I was sure and
I told her yes. and she asked me if I wanted to go away with
her and the kids for a while down to Florida I asked her if
dad was going and she said yes, I laughed and said to her
now why would you even ask me that and she said because you
are going to have to live one way or another and your
grandparents want to see you as well. And I said no, so she
shook her head and said she'd buy me enough food for the week
and my aunt and uncle were home if I wanted to go there. and
it just happened that they left the day before my birthday.
So I was alone which honestly was a good thing I really
didn't want to be around anyone so went upstairs to make
dinner and then I heard the door open, and that scared the
shit out of me, and of course to my dismay it was him and
my heart sank he came up into the kitchen looked at me with
a blank face and walked away. Anyway, so I ate dinner went
down watched TV lost interest tried to read a book, lost
interest, and looked at the clock it was 11:59 the clock hit
midnight and I said happy birthday to myself and went to bed
and cried myself to sleep. Crying quietly, but crying. Woke
up id say around 11:30..he wasn't around so made breakfast,
and sat and stared out the window in the kitchen.  My mom
called wished me a happy birthday as did others, couple of
my friends asked me if I wanted to go out, said I sat around
for most of the day. I left the house around 8 or 9 and went
for another walk...one year later kind of like a memorial so
to speak anyway went back home, I'd say it was about 11:30
already. Didn't see his car so he wasn't home. I just went
in took a shower and crawled into bed, and then life changed
forever.