Date: Tue, 01 May 2007 16:17:17 +0000
From: smkauf01@gmail.com
Subject: "The Way it Began-Part IV"
Once again guys - Im so glad that you all are enjoying this and that
I have the opportunity to share this with you. Part 4 is a bit short
my appologies on that - I will get 5 up soon.
Part 4
Once we got back from Anguila and back to "reality" so
to speak, I made the decision to go to college out in
California, and to try and make a life for myself-that
didn't include him as a whole-
It was truly one of the most difficult things that I
thought I would ever
have to do. That separation from him-being that much more
realized with him being
3000 miles away was really just painful. I got a phone call
every morning and night-got my "I love you's", but the tone
in them, while I knew he meant it-it was different. It was
just another realization as to what actually happened- what
we had, was no more.
He encouraged me over and over, that I should try to go out
and make a life for myself and get what I deserved
The initial 2 years that I was out there, I rarely came
back to New York. I came back over thanksgiving, I was home
for Christmas and my birthday, but only for a few days,
freshman year over my winter break I traveled most of
Europe, did England, France, Italy - it was the first time
that I can remember that I did not spend my birthday and
holidays with my father - but I realized that it was a good
thing for me-I needed it. And my sophomore break I spent the
month in Australia-which was incredible.
. After those 2 years had passed, I took a step back
looked at myself and realized that I had spent the first 2
years out there completely alone-I stayed in at rarely went
out, my usual night consisted of books, dvds and alcohol. I
suppose it was a time to realize that the separation was
healthy, and that I had done the right thing. But it was at
that point that I also realized that I was truly lonely-not
only from missing my father, but lonely in every sense, and
I made a decision that I was going to go out and find
someone to be with.
So the beginning of my junior year in college I finally
started to go out and
dating, went thru a few relationships-again incredibly
difficult, because as much as I tried not to I compared
everyone to dad, it was near next to impossible - I mean
there was no comparison - nothing to match it-which was also
a problem - I kept trying to match it.. Until finally, I let
go of all my inhibitions - at least as much as I could and
the beginning of my senior year, I met a guy, that I
actually really liked, we started to go out steady, and as
surprised as I was with myself, I found myself happy, and
truly smiling again for the first time in quite a few years.
And before I knew it I had fallen completely in love with
him.
I hadn't really mentioned anything to my father about
it, just that I was dating a guy, I was kind of afraid to-
actually-I was terrified. I'm not really sure why I was
terrified but on the same token I knew exactly why -I felt
so guilty-as if I was taking that dagger and shoving it in
his heart-but this felt right, I haven't felt anything like
it since I had that first touch of my father-mind you
nothing compared to that, but it was on the same wave
length. So, as time passed we moved in with each other, over
winter break we took a trip together - it was truly
wonderful to have that feeling happiness again, and this
time I wasn't going to let it go. We both had plans to go
to graduate school - me for law and he for an MBA -I applied
to NYU-why I'm not sure (since I had said I wasn't going to
go to school again in New York) but, NYU, Stanford, and
Georgetown- and he applied to NYU, Princeton and Stanford.
He got into Stanford and NYU, and I only got into NYU- so
once again another decision-I really had no choice but to go
back east- and I wanted him to come back with me to nyu-the
problem was he was from California and had always expressed
that he had preferred to go to Stanford. Now mind you, had I
gotten into Stanford, I'd have stayed there no questions
asked-But I was now in a position where I would love to have
him come back with me to NYU-but I wouldn't force him to do
it. Luckily he decided to go to NYU-and we headed back to
New York. And now comes in the difficult part-bringing him
home to meet my dad.
Once again all questions and comments are welcome and I'll do the best i
can to answer all of them as quickly as i can.
smkauf01@gmail.com