Date: Thu, 10 May 2007 11:50:12 +0000
From: smkauf01@gmail.com
Subject: "The Way it Began-Part V"

     After I came back from college with my bf, I brought
him home, had him meet everyone, which went relatively
smoothly, we went and found a place to live I started law
school he business school, I pulled my father aside for
dinner one night sat down and talked..and he seemed
genuinely happy for me but there was also that one little
piece that I picked up in him, that I don't really think he
though that I would actually go out and meet someone,  I
think there was that one little bit of him that really did
want me to wait
but after the 4 years away from home, I realized that it was
just never going to happen and I was lonely as hell. In any
event so my relationship with my bf went on and I really
thought that this was good, I was completely in love with
him, and I really had in my head that this was the man that
I was going to spend the rest of my life with.
     About a year later I picked up on something that I
hadn't felt before - a different vibe I guess you'd say and
I figured it was just me but the more I ignored it, the
stronger it got so finally I just said to him "is there
something you want to tell me?" and he looked at me and said
"no" and just by the way he paused before he said it I knew
immediately he was lying and I said "are you sure?" and he
said yep so I said ok, and left it at that. Though, after a
year of law school, my instincts along with training kicked
in and I decided that id give him another chance to tell me
the truth and I asked him again, and this time he got
annoyed and yelled back "no no no, how many time are you
going to ask me?" and that was it, I knew it was a pure lie.
so now I was left with break it off now without knowing what
it was, or find out and then break it off.
     Me being who I am decided to find out first. So after
classes one night I decided that I would surprise him and go
meet him at his class when he got out but as I was walking
up to meet him I saw another guy hanging around the
building, and I already had my answer.  So I had my tears
and my anger and every other emotion that went along with
finding out point blankly that you were being cheated on,
but even with all that I decided to follow them, to settle
my own curiosity I suppose. Quite honestly it didn't matter
where they were going or going to do - the relationship was
over, but I wanted to know anyway.  So I followed them and
decided at one point that I would just "run into them". So
ran around a different block and started walking and turned
the corner and bam there they were on the corner kissing in
front of what I'm assuming was the guys apt building. But I
figured, fuck it ill confront him now - wrong decision.
     So I went up to him and said "would you like to
introduce me?" and there was definitely a look of shock on
his face, and then anger and mind you one thing I never
described before was what he looked like - but a quick
description he was 6'5, about 200 pounds of muscle and hair
(which really wasn't my type, but he had a soft side to him,
at least he did 2 years ago), in any event his response was
"what the fuck? you followed me?" and I said "well in all
honesty I wanted to meet u for dinner after class as a
surprise and unfortunately this was the surprise that I got"
     And after that I remember being pushed against the side
of the building with a hand over my mouth and a punch in the
stomach from the other guy and then the next thing I saw was
the bottom of my living room table and blood on the floor.
The place was completely trashed. From what I could tell, I
didn't have much clothing on at that point,  and I was
definitely sore on every inch of my body - my left eye was
rather swollen, based on the way that my ass felt I could
tell I had been raped as well. I mean I'm a big guy, but I
was no match for either one of them strength wise.
     It took me some time to realize that I was still
bleeding from somewhere, wasn't really sure where but I knew
I had to stop it.  At that point I was so weak but I needed
help and as ashamed as I was for not knowing that the man I
was with had such a side to him, I went to call my father
but the house phone was broken,  and my cell was gone (or at
least I hadn't a clue where it was. Then at that point, I
think I passed out again, I'm not really sure, cause the
next thing I can remember was that I heard was knocking or
banging really, I was completely groggy and dizzy, still had
no idea what time of day or what day it was, the place was
dark and quite honestly I was scared shitless to open the
door. Someone was calling my name - it sounded like my
father but I wasn't sure
and if it was he knew there was a key under the door mat.
But then I realized that was probably gone at that point
too, So somehow (and  I still don't know how I did it) I was
able to crawl to the door and open it, and all I saw were
feet. I was in so much pain that it hurt to move anything -
And at that point I managed to look up and saw my father -
felt a little bit of relief then just collapsed again.
     I'm not really sure of the timing, but the next thing I
remember is being on the couch in my fathers arms and then
in a hospital. I walked out of the hospital 2 weeks later
with a broken arm and leg, a broken rib and a slight
concussion, the rest was bruises, and god knows how many
times I was raped, because my ass hurt like hell. My father
wanted the police brought in to this, but after all this,
quite honestly I really didn't want the police brought into
this, but my father protested on that one, and truthfully I
didn't really have the energy to fight him on it.  So they
interviewed me - I could describe what my bf looked like,
but the other guy - I could tell u he was about my height
with brown hair and also muscular - but further than that
was a complete blur.
     I will admit that I'm a strong minded person with my
own values, strengths and weaknesses, but after all that, I
felt so helpless and so alone again. Sure my father was
there and all but it made no difference. My father suggested
coming back home with him,
but I refused to do it I had to face my place one way or
another, and I wanted to just get it over with. I reached
for the door handle, completely shaking and pushed the door
open - and every second of what happened came rushing back
at me that I almost fell backwards. The mess had been
thankfully been cleaned up - by who I don't know, never
asked my father didn't really care to.  But I went in, and
just looked around while all the blood stains were gone, and
the broken glass and furniture were gone, it was all there
still so vivid in my mind - but I forced myself in and just
went and sat on the couch and started to cry.
     Though after that passed, and I looked up again, and
over to the part of the wall unit that was still there - and
for some reason there stood a picture of my former bf
standing on the football field of Stanford right after we
had graduated - why that picture wasn't touched or broken I
still wonder about to this day.  But then a million more
questions ran into my head - where was he all that time, I
have no idea, no one knows.
He literally disappeared, apparently never returned to
classes.
      He had taken all the cash I had, but he was no fool -
he never took the credit cards, so I couldn't even use them
to track him. From what I know, he hadn't been seen again
back in California, so who knows where he is, truthfully I
don't care anymore. I've sat and tried to figure out just
what happened.  I'm usually a really good judge of
character, but this came out of no where, I suppose
regardless of  schooling and background you can't always
tell things about a person. The only excuse or reason I
suppose - there is no excuse but the only reasoning I have
towards it that he just snapped after getting caught.  Other
than that I have never been able to come up with anything
else.
     In any event I was able to sit with my father on the
couch for a while, just staring in silence. I knew that I
wasn't going to be able to stay there by myself I was still
shaken and felt so alone.  And I knew that my father would
stay with me and not leave me until he could or had to.  But
that in itself was another wrench into this situation.  I
had worked so hard to get over my father, and be able to
move on-years for that matter. And I had found someone that
I was truly happy with, that made me smile - but now that
person was gone, and I found myself with nothing. My lover
was gone-and rightly so - sure my father spent weeks with
me. Because well 1,  I really couldn't move for a while on
my own and 2, I didn't have the courage to be alone.
     My father kept telling me don't worry I'm not going to
leave your side but I knew he'd have to go back to my
mother. He never left me alone at night for almost a month,
and he took leave from work that month- The 2 weeks in the
hospital and then another 2 back in my apartment. But he had
to go back to work, yet he still stayed with me at night
And every night I lay in his arms and it brought back ever
memory from that day 7 years previous - but I knew it was
fruitless it would never be that way again and I cried about
it over and over - he asked me what was the matter, and id
tell him that it was nothing. I  assume he thought
differently, but I don't know. After 6 weeks when I was able
to take the leg cast off and walk again with out the
crutches,  I decided that if I was going to be on my own
again, I needed to get rid of it of this apartment and start
over again. So we went shopping for a new place and found
one in about 2 weeks.  I got all new stuff, moved in, and
finally I had to start life again.
     I went back to school the following semester, and as
strong as I was, I fell back in time again 6 years - to
where I was all alone and jealous of my mother and mad at my
father for leaving me. I went through the same thing over
and over again cried myself to sleep again every night.
Until I got to a point that I realized I had to make the
same pact to myself that I did all those years ago - And
finally 1 night I said it was going to be the last time I
cried myself to bed, but also I also swore to myself that i
was done with men -
and as lonely as I was -  if I couldn't have my father then
so be it, because it wasn't going to be anyone else.  And
yet again I looked back and thought the last time I said
that - look where it landed me, so once again I was confused
and upset as ever.
     During all of this confusion, my father's "presence"
with me was down to just weekends, but even that was
difficult.  I was back to a point where I wanted to so much
to start again what we had before any of this happened - to
bring things back to the were that initial week of our
connection to each other. but I couldn't start myself on
that road again. I just couldn't torture myself of having
him for 2 days and then having to lose him for a week. So I
had to finally come out and tell him, that I love you more
than anything
but this is getting to difficult for me, I want so much to
be with you again, and I would never have made it through
this ordeal without you, but I know that if we start this
again
its just going to put us back where were 7 years ago and I
cant do it. And I had tears in my eyes again crying through
this whole thing, and he picked up my chin and looked me
straight in the eye and said "I know"
     As painful as it was, I told him tonight is going to be
the last night and he needed to stop staying on the
weekends. He hugged me,  kissed me on the head and whispered
to me that he was sorry, and that he loved me and that it
will all be ok. He then got up and just said "I'm going to
head out tonight, ill call you when I get home." He kissed
me on the head again, and walked out.
     As I watched him get dressed and put his shoes on, I
had that flash back to that very 1st year, when I confronted
him, with fear and trepidation. And then I heard the door
close and  lock - I snapped from my vision - and saw the
closed door, I once again had that awful feeling, that not
only had I just closed every door again, but I just threw
the man I loved more than anything, out of my apartment and
I just sat there staring at the door, for I don't know long,
seemed like hours at the time.
     Then all of a sudden the phone rang, I didn't think it
was possible for him to be home yet, but the caller id said
it was the house. So I picked up and it was my mother
and I told her if she's looking for him he's on his way
home.  And she said no that's not it, and asked to meet me
for dinner the following night. Now as if I wasn't confused
enough, this was another wrench into my insanity. I asked
her if there was anything wrong and she said no she just
wanted to have dinner with me. That in itself set off an
alarm off in my head. My mother is a very smart sharp woman,
and there is ALWAYS a reason behind whatever it is she's
doing. So I said fine
     The following night, she came in and met me for dinner,
and it was nice actually, she and I had not had dinner alone
together in a very long time.  And finally I said "Ok lets
not beat around the bush - what's the matter?" and she
laughed and said that I knew her too well.
     So she said to me and I quote "you know your father
better than anyone else, and I cant put my finger on it but
there's something wrong, do you think he's having an
affair??" And I sat there shell shocked, and I asked her
what makes her even think something like that? And she said,
well he's been very distant lately, doesn't say much
anymore. And I know that he calls me as soon as he leave
your place from his phone
(which I'm assuming is true, because he never calls from my
place, I call her to tell her he's left). And she went on
and said he gets home normal time, you know like it doesn't
take longer than usual, and he's always in his office when I
call, and will pick up the phone even in a meeting, but
there's still something that's not right. And I said to her
I certainly don't know of anything that he'd be straying to,
and if he is it would certainly be news to me. And I also
said to her - that his preoccupation with me has distracted
him. And she said she knows, but didn't notice the
difference until after 2 weeks or so of him being back at
the house.
     And then she said that he told her last night that he
wasn't going to be staying over with you on weekends
anymore, so she said that set off another alarm in her head.
And I told her that one was not his choice it was mine. And
that one puzzled her for a bit, but
I said to her just relax, and keep an eye on it and let me
know what you notice and the next time I see him ill see if
I can figure anything out. So we finished dinner and she
went home, and left me puzzled.  Truth be told, that's not
like my father he's someone that could do 4 things at once
and be completely concentrated on each thing as if it were
the only thing he were doing. So over the next couple of
weeks, each time I saw him I looked at him and studied his
face, and I myself noticed that he was somewhat distant with
me
and that in itself is strange and brought me back to being
upset again, like we were going back again to year 1. And my
mother said the same thing, he was still very distant and
consistently so. He spent more time at the office, and
according to her more time in solitude. So now I was really
confused.
     So I figured you know what, I've got too much to deal
with now if he wants to tell me he will, and I said the same
thing to my mother. And, the same thing went on for another
few weeks,  and then before I knew it my 22nd birthday.  And
given the state that I was in, I realized that it had been 5
years since I had gone away with my father - and not that it
was even an option, I didn't have the desire to do it like I
had in past years. And I reassured myself that, it was a
good thing, a time for healing and growing.  And for
whatever reason, this year I decided that I was going to go
home and spend it with my family - So on the night of the
25th - Instead of going home then, decided that I was
actually going to spend it by myself, and go home on the
26th (my actual birthday).  At 1145 pm my phone rings - (My
best friend and I have always had a thing with each other
-that we would always call each other exactly at midnight to
be the first to say happy birthday to each other) But this
was a bit early for that, I looked at the phone, and I saw
that it was my mother -not a good sign.
     As I picked up the phone she was frantic as ever,
yelling into the phone is he there??  And I had to ask who,
and she said your father, and I said no, to her, and I
haven't heard from him either. So now I went nuts, because
this again is not like my father at all, to just disappear
in the middle of the night.  And then at midnight, there's a
knock on my door - and I had a pretty good idea, and if I
was right I was going to kill him for doing that to me and
my mother.  Thankfully it was him - and I told my mother
relax he's here,
hung up with her.
     I was truly ready to kill him. And I said to him don't
give me any surprise happy birthday bullshit, and I flat out
said to him
     "what the fuck has been going on with you the last 2
     months?"
And he just smiled. And I again was puzzled and confused.
And he said
     "well first of all, Happy Birthday, and second of all
don't talk to your father like that"
     And then he pushed me in to the apartment and kissed
me. And I said "no,
I cant do it."
and he said "oh yes you can and you will"
     He handed me my birthday card, and he just said "you
wont be alone anymore".
I looked at him kind of funny - and he said "open the card"
so I opened it and read his note that said
     "To the best thing that ever happened to me, from the
day that you were born, I knew that you were special, not
just because you were my son, or my first born, but because
I saw a glimmer and a shine in your eyes, nothing like I
have ever seen before. It was at that point when you looked
into my eyes and I yours I knew you and I had a special bond
that would last forever, and it will. I love you, Dad"
     So I stood there in tears once again, and then he said
"open the other envelope" I opened that, and inside there
were divorce papers, and I immediately said "NO, I wont let
you do that, not for me, I love you more than anything but
you cant do it.", and I tore the papers in half, and put it
in the shredder.
     And all he did was laugh, I mean I thought the man had
just flipped his mind
and he laughed more, and said "do you really think id put
divorce papers in there?"
and I said  "knowing you, yes I think you are crazy enough
to do it, and I love you for it
more than anything, but I wont let you do it." And he just
kept laughing, and said that I have no choice in the matter,
and just said that irreconcilable differences have been
cited filed and signed.
     At this point I assume that my mother had no idea what
was going to happen so my next question was "and just how do
you plan on telling her this??"
     and he just said "that's not your problem"  and "I said
yes it is, because she's going to ask me"

     He just said shut up, and told me that he loved me and
he was never going to leave me or let anyone else have me,
and that I shouldn't fight him on it because I wasn't going
to win. I asked why, over and over, and told him that he has
3 other kids and a wife.
     And finally I got a tear out of him and he said "9
months ago, I came and found my son, lying beat-up and
bleeding on the floor of his apartment, and that was my sign
that things had to change and the only person that could do
that was me and now I'm doing it - And as sure as I'm
standing here I will never ever let another soul hurt you,
because truth be told, that first moment I looked into your
eyes 22 years ago, you were the best birthday gift god could
have ever given me, and I almost lost it, and I will never
let that happen again."
     And I just stood there in his arms crying, but finally
knowing and feeling safe and no longer alone.
     He pulled back for a minute picked up my chin and we
locked eyes again like we had done 9 years ago that same
night and he said now stop crying and kiss me, and as I went
in to do it
     And again just like 9 years ago, he picked me up and
held me in his arms...like he did when I was a baby took me
to bed kissed me and then layed me down on the bed. And
layed down on top of me  stared in my eyes again and then
kissed me and whispered in to my ear "I love you my boy"
and from there, ensued one of the most romantic nights of my
life and the best birthday present I've ever had.

     Today May 4, 2007, it has been 11 years and 5 months
since my father and I started together, we now live together
as full time lovers.

     I want to thank all of you for your responses, I'm glad
that we were able to share our very special relationship
with you, at least on here there are those who do truly
understand what true family love really is.  Once again if
anyone has any questions or comments please by all means
email me at smkauf01@gmail.com