Date: Fri, 3 Dec 2010 11:58:14 -0500
From: Johnathan Johnson <jjjohnson8221@gmail.com>
Subject: To love or not to love - Part 2

To love or not to love -- part 2

Comments welcome at jjjohnson8221@gmail.com

As I slowly walked into my apartment, I put down my bags just walked from
the hallway into the kitchen then into the living room and stopped for a
moment to stare out the bay window looking onto the span of the Golden Gate
Bridge as it was slowly disappearing as the San Francisco fog was moving in
for the evening. It was actually a beautiful site much different than the
hustle and bustle and smog of downtown Los Angeles.  I just stared for a
few minutes reveling over the fact that I could walk into the next room --
my bedroom and not have to worry about being abused.  And I laughed and
frowned at the same time.  While it was something that I had been striving
and wanting for so long, the ability to just be alone and no longer be hurt
was just so strange.

Given that I had gotten here and done everything in such haste, everything
that I had ordered and shipped here was still in boxes, but I decided that
after the long drive I was just too tired to do anything at that point, I
just wanted sleep.  So I took off my shoes and clothes, found the box with
all the linens threw the sheet on the bed and then just fell onto it and
into a deep sleep.

I woke up the following morning with a start. For one, my arms and legs
were throbbing in pain which quickly brought back the memories of what had
happened 36 hours ago, and as I had predicted, this time I was all black
and blue, you would really think that I had been in a prize fight.  And in
essence I had been, it just wasn't for a prize and well I didn't fight back
either.  But I slowly got up and went over to the bathroom splashing my
face with water and this time smiling at myself in the mirror finally being
able to say "I did it. I finally I did it, I'm free of it all".  The first
order was to find something to eat and then begin the task of putting my
new place together and making it my home.

I dressed and went downstairs and out to find a coffee shop that someone
had told me about a while before coming here, that was supposedly the best
coffee around, so I went out looking for it, and to my excitement and
relief I found it, and got the biggest cup possible.  And now it was off to
get some food for the apartment then go back and begin the day.  As I
returned home and started to unpack and put the place together I had music
playing and like any little boy opening all his birthday presents, a song
came on that made me stop doing everything and just listen for a minute,

	"It had to be you, it had to be you, I wandered around and finally
found someone like you...."

"It had to be you" was the name of the song. I stood there trying to think
how long it had been since I had heard that song.  Actually I didn't really
need to think about it that long it was two weeks to the day, that I had
last heard it.  It was a Saturday night that I had gone out with friends,
and was trying to stay out as late as possible, to hopeful y skip out on
one of Jeff's `play times' with me.  As I sat in the car around the corner
from the house, I actually replayed that song about 3 times before finally
going into the house, because every time I heard it, it made me smile.  It
had done that for a long time -- why?  Simple, the night that I had figured
out that I was in love with Jeff, was the first time that I had ever seen
the movie "When Harry Met Sally".  And was when everything made sense.  I
had been wandering around trying to find someone to be with, someone to
love.  And the truth of the matter was? That person used to live in the
same room with me until I was 15 years old.  I know that it's a sick, sick
thing to be in love with someone that beat the shit out of you every chance
he got and is my brother, but with all that said, I still believed that in
that body and mind there was still a good and loving person, a good soul.
Granted he is not gay, and certainly not love with me but there was no way
around it.  I was in love with him and that was that.

After just listening and smiling and tearing at the same time, I went on
with putting things in place, and after another 5 or so hours it was pretty
much done, all that was left was for the kitchen table and second bedroom
furniture to be delivered tomorrow, and all the kitchen stuff to be
delivered the following day.  But for all intensive purposes I was done. I
looked around each room, at the pictures on the walls, the little things
that I had placed on the end tables in the living room, just the random
things around the apartment and realized that I finally had my own home.
And I again smiled and chuckled to myself and then said out loud,

	"Fuck you all, I did it!"

But of course there's that one small twist in it.  Yes I had done it, I had
moved out, gotten a place of my own, a good job and most importantly
finally escaped the pain. There was one exception though, I had no one to
share my triumphs with, I was now alone.  Then again that's really no
different than usual I did most things on my own, had most of my life. But
now there were no physical beings either, just complete and total silence,
but I guess that's a trade off, you've got to give to get.  But enough of
all that, it was now Thursday night, I had 3 days to explore San Francisco
before starting work on Monday, time to fill the silence with that of new
friends and new exciting things.

I spent most of the three days just wandering around the city, walking up
and down the hills (I could see that I would definitely be able to cut back
on the gym time, because walking up and down these hills was totally free
cardio work).  I walked over to Golden Gate Park, down through the Castro
back up and all the way over to China town and then back towards home. All
along the way I found the popular clubs and bars -- again while I had never
been the big club/bar type of person I certainly wasn't opposed to it. As I
was doing it, I tried to figure out the subways and cable car system, but
quickly decided that I was going to stick to driving as much as I possibly
could.  It really was a great weekend.

Finally we come to Monday, time to start my new job.  This was something
that I was actually really excited about for a number of reasons.  For 1,
hopefully this would be where I would be able to start my friend base, talk
to all these people learn more about the city what it had to offer and
more. 2. Discover what it was like to be someone that was pulling in that
type of money, and 3 to have something to do!  As I walked into my bosses
office at 9am, I was greeted with a smile and a set of keys to my office.
He walked me down the corridor, introducing me to all of my co-workers and
at the end of it, we came to a closed door. He handed me the keys, turned
to me and said,

	"John, this is your office."  I unlocked the door, and in a way it
was like it was last Wednesday when I opened the door to the apartment.  A
new beginning, I was amazed at what I saw, a big desk, side table with 2
chairs, and a small couch and floor to ceiling windows, with a nicer view
than the one I had from my apartment!  And he said to me again,

	"Welcome to the company John.  Get yourself all set up in here,
your secretary is two cubicles down the hall.  She'll get you anything you
need, and then meet be back in my office in an hour or so." And he walked
out.  I just stood there dumbfounded, it was completely surreal, fresh out
of college and this was what I got for my first real job.  And I laughed
again and said to myself, "I did it again," but on the same token still had
no one to really share it with but myself. I left that thought, and quickly
set up my office as best I could with the minimal stuff that I had on me --
admittedly I had no idea what type of office Id have so I didn't bring
much, but it would be easy enough to just fill it in late, and then head
over to meet the secretary and back to the boss's office.  We sat and
talked and built up what my schedule and work projects would be to start
off with and when all was said and done, it was off to start the day.

Based on the work load that I was given initially, I could tell it was
going to be roughly 9 to 10 hour days, which quite frankly was good for me.
Kept me busy all day and also tired enough that when I went home I wouldn't
be wandering around in circles.  But that first night coming home from
work, I was actually subconsciously, preparing myself for another nightly
beating, which I hadn't actually done since I had moved in here.  But I
guess in a sense this was different, this was like coming home from school
like I used to, to have Jeff waiting there to begin his `fun'.  But as I
walked into the apartment, I was slammed with a silence and realization
that I that was no longer happening, and reminded myself that, that was a
good thing.  I was a new person, my own person, and that was never going to
happen again.

So I went in to my bedroom set my stuff down, changed and then poured
myself a glass of red wine and sat down on the couch, clicked on the stereo
to just unwind from the day.  And of course what's the first thing to come
on?  Even with the setting on random, "It had to be you".  I actually
laughed out loud about that, but it also made me think about something that
actually had not crossed my mind since I had gotten here.  I had heard from
no one in the family.  No one had called to check on me to see if I got
here OK or how things were going.  Not my parents, not Jeff (not that I was
surprised on that one), not my friends, -- well I take that back, my friend
Mark had sent me an email earlier that day.  But aside from that, not a
soul, and I wondered, did anyone really care that I was gone? Maybe not,
maybe they were all finally relieved that I was gone, who knows.  Then
again I'm really no better.  I never made the effort to call them either,
which granted I really should have, but I was just too wrapped up in
everything else.  But even more so, I wondered what Jeff was thinking the
past 5 days.  Was he happy? Sad? Annoyed?  I had no idea, I was hoping for
sad, and or angry.  Why?  Simple because at least then I knew that he
missed me in some shape or form.  Even if it was just because he had no one
to torture anymore -- at least he thought about me.  A sick thing I
know. But I decided just for my own satisfaction, that I would call them
just to say I was fine, started work and everything was set up.  So I
picked up the phone and called.  It rang about 4 times until finally
someone picked up and said,

	"Hello?"  I knew immediately it was Jeff. He must have been waiting
for a call from some girl, since if someone else is home, he won't move to
get it. And if he's alone it will go to the answering machine unless its
next to him and he's waiting for a call from a girl.  And I responded,

	"Hey Jeff how are you?"  There was silence and then he said,

		"Oh so you aren't dead?  Oh well, is what it is.  No one
else is home."  And I responded,

	"I figured as much.  Would you do me a favor and just tell them I
called and I'm fine.  I know that it might be difficult for you, since
you'd actually have to pretend that you care but at least try."

		"Whatever, gotta go"and hung up the phone.  Was it rude?
Yes but in the world of Jeff towards me at least, that was actually nice.
It was proof that on some level, he did care -- just from his statement.
And quite frankly that was enough for me, he probably would never say
anything to my parents on his own volition but, if asked, I do believe that
he would tell the truth.  I was OK with that.  At least one family member
know that I was OK -- and to me, it was the most important one too.

That phone call happened in late June, it was now April 29th of the
following year.  I have yet to speak with anyone from my family since that
point.  Granted I have made no effort to contact them either, but over the
time, I had built up a life for myself that I was proud of, and genuinely
happy with.  Work was great, I had a big circle of friends, that I loved
spending time with and spent a lot of time with me.  I truthfully could not
ask for a better situation.  I never actually realized how good life could
be.  In fact I had even tried my luck with a few boyfriends, however when
it got to the point of having sex, I just couldn't bring myself to it and
that usually ended the relationship relatively soon thereafter.

But today April 29th is/was a very special day to me.  It is Jeff's
birthday.  To me it was really one of the best days, for a number of
reasons. 1. This was the day that Jeff usually let off his assaults, 2. Was
actually relatively nice to me -- in his own way.  And 3. Because it
allowed me to see the good and loving person that I knew was inside him.
Every year I gave him a birthday card and as a joke I always put in a "get
out of jail free" card from the monopoly board game.  Whether he understood
the significance behind it, I'm not sure, but it really wasn't that hard to
figure out.  All he ever had to do, was hand me one of those cards and it
would erase everything that he did to me that entire year, as if it never
happened.  And each card represented a year, with no expiration date.  So
in this case he was turning 24, and I had been doing this since I was 12,
so if he were to give me all 10 cards it would erase everything he had ever
done to me, I would forget it all.  And this year was no different, I put
another `get out of jail free' card in and mailed it off to him. Who knows
what he actually did with them, probably threw them all out but it didn't
matter to me, no matter what, they would still work in my eyes.

That being said, time continued on, month by month life continued.  My
friends, my life, work everything was just truly fantastic.  A group 6 of
us even started a travel group and every 3-6 months we would all pick a
place to go, on the 3 month spots, it would just be a weekend away, and on
the 6 month spots it would be a big trip and depending on the time of year
it was either to some tropical island for a week, or completely opposite
and off to the Orient or Europe for a real trip.  Truthfully, underneath it
all these were things that I had always dreamed of doing with Jeff.  As
lovers, or well more realistically as brothers and best friends, but I made
do and enjoyed myself each and every time.  I had also actually discovered
that I loved to cook, coming up with my own recipes and creations and
figured what the hell, have people over host parties, and started doing
that too, hosting dinner parties from small to big, again I really could
not complain shy of the fact that I wasn't able to share it with Jeff.

After a year and half of getting to know everyone, there was one night that
my friend Sam and I were sitting out on my terrace drinking a glass of
wine, finally asked me why I never talked about my family or why none of my
relationships never seemed to work out.  And at this point I realized that
he was pretty much my best friend and we had shared almost everything and I
decided that if anyone had a right to know about everything he did.  So I
took a deep breath and said,

	"Well, it was not a pretty past.  My family and I never really got
along, I never understood why.  I was always ignored and put down, made to
feel worthless.  And well my brother, lets just say treated me like shit,
used to beat and abuse me and well you get the drift.  A no, I could never
prove anything, because he managed never to leave any marks, and well the
verbal abuse there was no one to hear it so no one ever believed it.  Since
outside of our bedroom, he was considered god's gift to the world. And
since I moved up here I have only spoken to them once and that was just
back when I first moved in almost 2 years ago. And my relationships, well,
that's a little more unconventional.  Sam, don't hold this against me, and
this really stays between you and me but the true reason is that I'm
already in love and unfortunately it's a love that will never be returned.
And try as I might, I've tried to break it, forget it, move on everything,
but I've never been able to do it. And it just kills every one of my
relationships."  By this point I was in tears, I had never told anyone any
of this.  Sam was the first person that I actually spilled my guts to in 18
years.  I didn't even realize it, but he had come over and put his arms
around me in a big hug, and kept patting my back saying it was ok.

Once I finally recomposed myself and sat back down and looked into Sam's
eyes and for a minute did a double take.  For a split second I thought I
saw Jeff.  And then it dawned on me, Sam could almost be a carbon copy of
Jeff.  He had those same emerald green eyes, the same muscular body, even
their voices were similar. As all of that was running through my head I
heard Sam talking,

	"John, you ok?"  And I just back at him and into his -- which was
very dangerous for me, so I just blinked a few times and responded,

		"Yea I'm fine, that's just the first time I've ever told
anyone all of that.  In 18 years no one has ever known about any of that.
I still can't believe I told it to you."  He just smiled at me and said,

	"Don't worry none of this ever goes any further than here, it's
just the two of us.  Tell me something, it's your brother that you're in
love with isn't it?"  I just looked at him with a bit of a dumb founded
face on and asked,

		"How'd you know?"  He laughed a little and then said,

	"Simple you talked about him, and then someone that you're in love
with but doesn't love back, and just the way that you looked at me before.
Piece it all together and that's what you get." I laughed and said to him,

		"Please tell me I'm not that transparent, and it's only
because we just best friends, right?"  He just smiled and nodded his head.

After that night, I actually felt that a huge weight had been lifted off of
my shoulders, that I didn't even know that I had on there.  I was enjoying
things even more, continued to look at the lighter side of life.  Even
tried again more aggressively on trying to have a relationship, but that
even I knew wasn't going to work.  That was the one thing that was never
going to change.

Before I knew it four years had gone by since I moved to San Francisco, and
since I had heard from my family, and it was coming up on October 19th.  A
day that I wasn't actually looking forward to, it was my 25th birthday.  I
was having a big party thrown by Sam, which I wasn't really supposed to
know about, but there are things that Sam really can't keep a straight face
about! And it was a on a Saturday so I knew that I was really in trouble,
the alcohol was going to be flowing like crazy and all the nuts were going
to be there.  But whatever if you're going to have a party might as well be
a big one!

About a year and a half ago I had finally decided that since I loved
holding dinner parties and having people over I needed a bigger place so I
went and bought myself a good sized penthouse in a whole full service
building with all the fancy stuff, door man , concierge, probably a lot
more than I really needed, but hey I could so why not.

After finally dragging myself home Friday night after a birthday party that
my office had thrown for me, I was rather toasted -- no I was relatively
drunk. Before going up to the apartment I said to the doorman, no visitors
until after noon.  He smiled at me nodded his head and I went off to the
elevator.  By the time I actually got upstairs and stripped my clothes off,
I just fell into bed and passed out. Before I knew it, it was 1:30pm and
the damn intercom was ringing, and in a groggy voice answered

	"Yes?" and the doorman responded back,

		"Good afternoon, Je..."