Date: Fri, 10 Dec 2010 09:12:54 -0500
From: Johnathan Johnson <jjjohnson8221@gmail.com>
Subject: To love or not to love part 4

Comments welcome at jjjohnson8221@gmail.com

"You're in love with me?"

And I thought for a minute, and then realized I had accidentally phrased it
differently than I wanted to.  I didn't want to say that, just that I loved
him. I never had any intentions of actually going that far with this.  But
I guess now everything was out in the open, from start to finish.  So I
just looked back at him and said,

		"Yes Jeff, I am in love with you.  I have been for a long
time. That was a big part of my problem with you, and why I couldn't just
walk away from everything.  It was a living hell Jeff, to walk into your
own bedroom every night knowing that the minute I sit down, fists and spit
are going to be hitting me within minutes.  And just trying to understand,
what it was that I did to deserve this pain and torture from you. I fought
back well at least tried I to, even though it was useless, but do you know
why I fought back?  I fought back wondering if that maybe you would see
that I wasn't just a little nothing, that I had some gut in me, and that
maybe, just maybe, you might stop.  But you never did, and any normal
person would have run away, but I loved you and I couldn't, because all I
ever wanted to do was be with you and make whatever I did wrong, right. So
what was it Jeff? There HAD to be a reason."

He just looked at me, deep into my eyes as I looked back at his, and I saw
something that I hadn't seen in 4 years, and it actually scared me.  I saw
fire in his eyes, just like I had seen the night that I left.  I've never
seen that look in anyone else's eyes but his.  I was scared, but I also
wasn't going to back down, this was no longer a one sided issue, he was
going to talk to me and tell me or walk.  So I gave the stare right back to
him.  And then his face went from fire, to fear to unexpectedly tears.
That's one thing that I don't think I had ever seen Jeff do up until today.
The big muscle man was crying.  He all of a sudden had his face in his
hands and was almost bawling.  Maybe I had finally hit that chord, and I
might finally get the answer out of him. I wanted to get up and put my arms
around him to hold him and calm him down, but I didn't dare touch him,
because if I did, I knew what would happen and I couldn't allow that now.
So I just got up off the couch and went to get him some tissues.  As I
stood over him, my hand out stretched waiting for him to take the tissue,
as he looked at the tissue and then up at me, he looked at me as if he
didn't know who I was.  Took the tissue from me, and looked back down, and
in almost a whisper started to speak,

	"John, I don't deal very well with feelings, especially my own.  I
don't know how to control them or understand them. I've never been able to.
The only reason I can give to you for why I did all of it, is the most
honest one. I was afraid of you, and even more so, jealous of you.  You
were, no you are smarter than me, more able than me, could do anything
better than me.  But I didn't want to be pushed in the background, I always
wanted to be in the spotlight.  And I knew that if anyone had the chance to
see what you could do, I would be forgotten about.  So I went and found the
only thing that I thought I could do better and that was be the physically
bigger person and using it every way I could.  And that gave me the ability
to take advantage of you.  And I am so, so sorry, it was selfish and cruel
and horrible of me to do.  You didn't deserve any of it, but that's really
the reason behind it.  I was jealous and honestly scared of you and your
potential and how much it could over shadow me. And I'm so sorry, so, so
sorry for causing you all of that pain that I did, I still can't even
believe that you are willing to talk to me after all of it."

Now it all finally made sense to me, I really should have seen through it
earlier, but I guess I just didn't want to believe that it was pure
jealousy and selfishness that caused him to do it. I wasn't really sure
what to do at this point, I know what I wanted to do, but that would just
fuck up everything. So I reached down and gently touched his shoulder and
felt it jerk away from my hand, but it got him to look up at me with his
blood shot eyes and tear stained face, and I smiled at him and said,

	"Thank you. That was all I needed to know.  Now, reach over and
give me all of those cards on the couch."  He looked at me strangely, but
reached over and got them, and I said to him,

	"Now hand them to me one by one." And again with a strange look on
his face, he slowly handed me all thirteen cards and kept his eyes locked
on mine and watched me make a rip in the corner of each of the cards and
set them down on the coffee table. I looked back into his emerald green
eyes and with a slight smile said,

	"I forgive you Jeff, for everything, don't worry about it
anymore. OK?"  He looked at me and slowly nodded, and then I asked the
other burning question that I had,

	"So now that, that is out of the way, what happened?"  He again
looked back down at the couch and said,

		"Mom and Dad threw me out of the house 2 years ago, they
didn't want to deal with me being at home anymore, I was told that at 25 I
should be out and living on my own with a good job and married and went on
and on about it.  I didn't have a job, and couldn't live on my own with no
money so I was fucked.  At the time, I was dating a girl, and we were
getting along well enough that I moved in with her, but that ended up being
a big mistake and I moved out of there in about 6 months, and then moved in
with my friend David, and that was working out perfectly until he got a job
offer back in New York, and I couldn't hold the rent myself so that was
it. At that point I had nowhere to turn, so I looked you up and hoped and
prayed that you would at least be willing to see me and hear me out, and
let me stay until I can get myself back up on my feet, and then I'll be out
of your hair.  John, you were right all along, without you I fell flat on
my face.  Had it not been for wrestling, I would have flunked straight out
of school, as it was I barely made it out. That's why I never made it into
graduate school, the grades weren't good enough.  And I thought I could
coast through without working with you being home and all and there
wouldn't be a problem.  But then you just disappeared, I woke up the next
morning discovered that you were gone, didn't come home that night, nor the
next night.  And then when you called, after I hung up I realized you
weren't coming back.  And I do want you to know, that I did tell Dad that
you called, and I guess he never did anything about it, and I'm sorry for
that too.  I know that I'm asking a lot of you, especially after everything
else, but I need your help. Please."

 It was so strange to see this look on him, it was almost pathetic. But of
course I was right. Life had finally come around to bite him in the ass,
and pretty damned hard too.  And as much as I wanted to say no to him, to
say get the fuck out, I couldn't, because that just wasn't me.  Funny thing
is I've never really been able to say no to him, I've loved him too much
for too long to turn my back on him.  Although I did notice that he forgot
about the earlier comment that I had let slip out, which I was good with.
It was clear that he wasn't gay, which was fine with me, but I guess in the
end I was still the one that was winning this time – I hoped.  I was
going to get to have the brother that I always wanted. I just looked back
at him smiled again and said,

	"Of course you can stay here Jeff, for as long as you need to.  It
will be nice to get to know the real Jeff, and maybe I'll finally get to
have the brother that I never had."  I barely even had the chance to finish
the sentence as he jumped up off the couch and pulled me into a giant hug.
Again another very strange and unknown feeling to me, since every other
time he's touched me was more of a violent nature than a loving one.  But
instinctively my arms went back around him, and I think for the first time
in my life at least as far back as I can remember, I was actually hugging
him, and that was all it took and the tears started flowing down my face.
It is something that I had wanted for so many years, to just be hugged and
accepted by him.  Anything else was a fringe benefit at this point. As we
stood there in this embrace, I don't think he realized how tightly he was
hugging me, because the air was starting to leave my chest, and I actually
had to push back until he suddenly let go.  I looked up at his face, and
saw tears on his too, I reached up and wiped them off with my thumb,
chuckled a little and said,

	"You never did know your own strength.  Come on I'll give you the
tour and you can pick out your bedroom."  He just smiled and looked at me
with those green eyes and melted me, and I even thought to myself `amazing
how much power he still has over me'.  I took him out of the living room
and showed him around the place, and let him pick out his bedroom.  It was
kind of funny watching him as he looked around. It was almost like he was a
little boy that was set free in a candy shop and didn't know where to look
first.  Interestingly enough, he chose the 3rd bedroom which was really the
opposite side of the apartment across from the master bedroom leaving the
second one in between us.  As I followed him around, there was such an
eerie silence. It was really uncharted territory for both of us, we had
never spent time like this together. Even with all that was just said,
Neither of us really knew what to say to each other – in a sense total
strangers.  I mean, I knew him, and I loved and was in love with him, but
on the same token I still had no idea who this person was.  But I had to
break the silence somehow, so I took his arm, which made him jump, turned
him around to face me and said,

	"Jeff, listen, I knew it's a weird feeling, it is for me too, but I
want you to understand something. It's going to be ok, I want to do this, I
want you here. This isn't about being pushed in the background anymore,
there's no need to worry. You have no one to hide from, and no one to prove
yourself to, it's just me OK?"

He just stared at me with the strangest look as once again I saw tears
start to fall from eyes and he said,

	"John, I don't know what to say. I don't deserve this, I don't
deserve you, your kindness and your care, I will repay your for this –
for real."  And I reached up and put my finger to his lips and said,

		"But you know what? I deserve this.  I deserve to have the
brother that I've always wanted. I deserve the kindness and the love that I
know that you have. You don't have to `repay' me. There is nothing to do it
for, I told you earlier, all I ever wanted from you was to just understand
why everything happened, now I do and it's behind us.  That's all.  Now,
I'm hoping you at least have a change of clothes in your bag, cause nothing
I have will come even close to fitting you, so go shower because you reek
and then we'll go out and get some food."  He just smiled at me, pulled me
in his arms again in a tight hug, whispered "Thanks" in my ear, and then
let go.  I gave him a towel and showed him to his bathroom, looked at him
again and said,

	"See you in a bit," and then walked out of the room closing the
door behind me.

As I slowly walked down the hall to my own bedroom, I was running through
my head what had just transpired over the past 2 hours.  I went from having
no family at all, to having the brother that used to beat me senseless
every chance he got, moving in with me as the kind, loving man that I
always knew was there.  It really was one of the most fucked up situations
that I had ever come across, but actually one that I had always dreamed of.
However, there was one problem to all of this, while he does know that I am
gay, I have no idea how well he's going to adjust to everything that came
along with it. I mean let's be honest this is a city with a large
population of gay people, let alone the fact that quite a few of my friends
were gay, but I also had no intentions of stopping any form of my life just
to revolve around him.  Of course the trickiest part of this all, was the
fact that the man I have been in love for most of my life, now lives 2
rooms away from me.