Date: Tue, 14 Dec 2010 09:55:31 -0500
From: Johnathan Johnson <jjjohnson8221@gmail.com>
Subject: To love or not to love - part 5

To love or not to love -- Part 5
Comments welcome at: jjjohnson8221@gmail.com

At that point I actually turned and looked at the closed door to his
bedroom and just stared at it, having flash backs as to what would be
happening right now 4 years ago, I'd be sitting on the bed crawled up in a
ball waiting for the next punch to come and wondering where it was going to
land.  And right at that point, I felt a shot of pain run through my body,
the scar on my left thigh the he had left from that very last night four
years ago, throbbed like hell, to the point that my leg almost buckled.
But then blinked my eyes again, and thought back an hour ago to watching
him cry on the couch and becoming that scared little boy, worrying that he
wouldn't have anywhere to go.  And as I was thinking about that, the phone
rang and I was shaken from my revere, it was Sam calling to wish me a Happy
Birthday.

I had totally forgotten about the fact that it was my birthday today, and
all of the plans that I had tonight that I really wasn't supposed to know
about.  And now I wondered what I was going to do with Jeff.  And I quickly
said to Sam,

	"You are never going to believe who showed up at my door 2 hours
ago."  There was silence on the phone and then he said,

		"Actually I have an idea, but I'm afraid to find out
whether or not I'm right, because there isn't enough time for plastic
surgery before tonight."  And I thought to myself, `good lord this man
really does know me too well.' And I just responded,

	"No I don't need plastic surgery at all, a psychiatric evaluation
maybe, but not surgery.  Sam I don't know what to do now, I don't have the
time to give you the whole story over the phone because he's going to be
getting out of the shower in a few minutes, but I apparently have a new
roommate."  And Sam just very quietly sad,

		"Are you sure you want to do that? I mean really sure?"  I
paused for a minute and said,

	"Yes."  And he said,

		"OK but I just want to warn you, if you are going to bring
him tonight, it's going to be a pretty wild party, and might be a bit much
for a `newbie' so keep that in mind when making your decision about that.
Anyway a very Happy Birthday, and I'm picking you up at 7.  And also
remember, you know nothing about this party.  Talk to you later and good
luck."

After hanging up with him, I realized that I had yet to shower and clean
myself up.  Without thinking I just ran into my bedroom leaving the door
wide open as I always do stripped off and threw my clothes on the floor and
walked into the bathroom.  As I was in the shower all of these thoughts
kept running through my head as, what to do about tonight, what to do in
general.  I mean I honestly did not know the person in the other room.  I
know he was my brother, I know what he's done to me, I now know why, but
further than that, not a clue.  But I guess it was time to figure it all
out.

I got out of the shower dried off and wrapped the towel around myself and
walked out of my bedroom down the hall to get something from one of the
outside closets, completely forgetting about the fact that I had Jeff in
the apartment and ran straight into him.  It was the strangest thing,
because there we both stood wrapped in towels just staring at each other
again.  My mouth must have dropped to the floor and started drooling,
because what I saw in front of me was one of the most beautiful body's I
had ever seen in my life.  Every single muscle was perfectly formed, not
overly bulging. You could tell it was pure gym work with no help from any
drugs or anything like that.  He was just absolutely beautiful, and a
perfect tan to match with his incredible eyes.  I was hard in seconds,
there was no way of that not happening, and I knew I had to run fast but
yet I was frozen in place, couldn't move, couldn't speak. Until finally I
heard him say,

	"Oh sorry, I was looking for an extra towel." I just nodded and
opened the linen closet to get it for him, and as I turned to my side, I
heard him gasp, as if someone had just punched the wind right out of him.
As I turned back to face him, I saw tears running down his cheeks, and I
quickly asked,

		"Jeff what's wrong? You OK?"  He just looked at me and
pointed at my left bicep, and I looked down and realized what he saw.  It
was one of the few scars that he left on me that night, one that never
really healed correctly.  I never put any sort of ice or heat or anything
on it, just got up and left, and the imprint of his fist, still remained in
the skin.  I took his hand in my lower it and looked into his eyes and
said,

		"It's OK Jeff, it's in the past now, it won't ever happen
and I know it. So no more worries about it, so stop crying.  It's done and
that's it."  He just grabbed me again into a tight hug and whispered into
my ear,

	"I'm so sorry John, so sorry I did that, and everything else."  I
put my arms back around him and said back,

		"I know you are Jeff, and it's ok.  I told you, I forgive
you, I'm not mad at you, and I don't hate you -at all. I promise.  Now
here's the towel, go get dressed, we have a couple of things we need to
talk about." He smiled and nodded back at me and turned and went back to
his room, shutting the door behind him.  I just stood there again staring
at the closed door, trying to catch my breath, he was just breathtakingly
beautiful, and I wanted him more than ever before.  And I started to
wonder, maybe Sam was right and this wasn't the greatest idea in the world
after all. But regardless of all my fears and concerns about it, I knew
that there was no way that I was letting him out of my sight or reach for
that matter, ever again.

After quickly getting dressed, I went into the kitchen to wait for him to
come out of his room, I again had another flash back four years of waiting
for my next encounter when I heard,

	"John, you OK?" I just looked up, and again was faced with one of
if not, the most beautiful man I had ever seen.  He was wearing a tightly
form fitting light green button down shirt that accentuated every inch of
his chest and arms and a pair of black jeans that were so tight you
couldn't hide a damned thing even if you wanted to.  And with what I could
see, there would be absolutely nothing that you wanted to hide.  And I
realized that if bring him to the party tonight looking like this, every
man and woman was going to be clinging to him like magnets – I don't
know if he'd be able to handle that. Hell anywhere in this city he was
going to be getting looks from any human that had taste.  And I just looked
up at him and said,

		"Yes fine, just fine."  As I looked in his eyes, I could
see a look of curiosity but he didn't say anything else to it, but what I
decided was that I needed to bring this issue up now before we even walk
outside, so I looked at him, into his eyes and said,

	"Sit down Jeff, look I don't really know how to say this other than
to just put it right out on the table.  I know how things were back at the
house with mom and dad and how they felt about gay people.  How they
believed that we didn't exist or didn't deserve rights and a whole list of
other things along that line.  And quite frankly I was never sure how you
felt about it, was actually scared to find out. However, you seem to be OK
with it – at least in terms of me, which I am most thankful for.  But I
want to explain something else to you, and this is NOT me saying that you
are stupid or blind and dumb or anything like that, it's me giving you a
heads up as to what you are walking into outside the front door.  Jeff, you
are an incredibly beautiful, hot, gorgeous man more so than you could ever
believe –which will work both good and possibly bad for you.  Good, well
just simply good, and the possible bad, because I don't know how well you
will be able to handle the attention you are going to get.  People are
going to run at you like magnets mostly men, but also women – which I'm
sure you already deal with.  Secondly, there is tonight, where my friends
are throwing me a party for my birthday – which I'm not really supposed
to know about but regardless, I've been warned that it's going to be
`wild', which can go a lot of different ways and honestly I have no idea
which it will be.  And I want to be sure that it's something that you think
you can handle and won't be uncomfortable with.  And before you even ask,
there is only one person that knows the entire story about us, and he is my
best friend Sam who you will be meeting one way or another in about an hour
and a half when he comes to pick me up.  So I'm giving you the option here
as to what you want to do tonight you are more than welcome to come, or if
you don't feel like you can handle it then you can stay home or do whatever
you want."  He looked at me with the softest face, and almost loving eyes
and quietly asked,

		"John, do you want me at your birthday party?"  It actually
was not the response that I was expecting.  Actually I don't know what I
was expecting but it certainly wasn't that.  I stared right back into his
eyes into his eyes and said,

	"Of course I want you there. You're my brother, my friend, I want
you to be a part of everything that you want to be a part of.  And I want
you to learn all about me, and I about you.  And trust me, with the amount
of alcohol that will be flowing tonight, I'm sure you'll probably want to
find out even more than I want you or you want to know about." And we both
actually laughed about that.  It was amazing, again a first, we were
laughing together, not at each other, but with each other, it was just an
amazing feeling.  And with that continued smile on his face he responded,

		"Then I will go with you to your party, I'm a big boy, I
can handle myself in any situation."  I just smiled, nodded my head, and
without even thinking, I reached across the table took his hand in mine,
and said,

	"Thank you."  He smiled and nodded, and prayed that he was right,
because as much as I knew that he could handle a lot, I knew just as well
this was going to be quite an eye opener for him.

We let go of each other's hands, and I got up and grabbed him one of the
extra sets of keys and tossed them over to him and said,

		"There's your set, now it's 6:00, Sam is coming at 7, so if
you want we can run we can run down to the corner and grab a really quick
coffee before he gets here or just wait here."  He looked at me for a
minute and then said,

			"Why don't we just hang out here, I haven't seen
you in four years, and before we go over to this party, I'd like a little
more time to talk with you alone first."  I was actually a little worried
about where this conversation might go, we only had an hour at this point,
and I didn't want to get into anything too deep that we wouldn't be able to
finish, but of course as always, I could deny him nothing.  So I agreed,
and he went on,

			"John, I want you to understand something, I know
this is going to sound crazy coming from me, but I want you to know that I
really never wanted to hurt you and I never realized how hard I was
actually hitting.  And I really am eternally sorry for it and it's
something that will stay with me until the day I die.  And when I saw that
scar earlier, I got so sick I didn't know what to do, but I want you to
know, I will never ever hurt you again.  And as your big brother, as sure
as I'm sitting here, I'll make sure no one else ever has the chance of
doing it either.  Whether or not you believe me on this I do love you
John."  It was the most heartfelt statement that I had ever heard come out
of his mouth. I didn't even believe he had that in him.  I knew he was a
good and loving person, but I didn't realize how much of it he really had
in him.  I just sat there with tears in my eyes not knowing what to say.  I
opened my mouth to speak, but nothing came out.  And finally just as I was
about to say something, the doorman was buzzing..