Date: Fri, 17 Dec 2010 10:12:56 -0500
From: Johnathan Johnson <jjjohnson8221@gmail.com>
Subject: To Love or not to love part 6

To love or not to love - Part 6

Comments welcome at jjjohnson8221@gmail.com

Fuck, it was 7 already, at this point I didn't want to go to my party.  I
didn't give a shit about any of that, I wanted to sit here and talk to Jeff
for the rest of the night, but I did not have a choice I - no we had to
go.  Before getting up to answer the buzzer I quietly said to Jeff,

	"We'll finish this later, now I guess it's time for you to get
initiated into the world of my insanity."  He gave me a smile and then
nodded.  After letting Sam get past the doorman, I was actually suddenly
very anxious about letting the two of them meet.  I mean he did know the
whole story from start to finish, and he has actually seen the scars on me.
And based on what he sounded like on the phone, I'm not really sure how he
was going to react in person, but as the door bell rang, it was now time to
find out.

As I let Sam in and we walked down the hall into the kitchen I said to him,

	"Sam I'd like to introduce you to my brother Jeff."  It was a
shocking sight, Sam had never actually seen a picture of Jeff but the
minute they saw each other their eyes locked. It was as if time froze and
everything stood still.  I now realized why I had so easily been able to
befriend Sam, and why he and I became best friends.  They were nearly
carbon copies of each other.  Sam's frame was a little smaller than Jeff's
but aside from that it was the same person, they had the exact same facial
structure, same hair even the same eyes.  Hell if I didn't know better it
was if they there twins separated at birth.  It was the scariest thing.
All of a sudden I felt like the odd one out rather than Jeff being that, I
finally had to break the silence,

	"Well if I didn't know better, I'd say that the two of you were
twins separated at birth, and the way that you are looking at each other,
that you've met before."  Still no one said anything, and then it dawned on
me.  Sam had graduated from Harvard himself just a year after Jeff did, and
while we never really talked about it, I'd make a fair bet that Sam had
been on the wrestling team too.  Holy fucking shit, they already knew each
other! Fuck, Sam has known all along that Jeff was my brother, that's why
he pushed back about this earlier.  And I realized that this was just too
much for me, I could handle a lot of stuff, up until this point I thought
that I could handle anything that was thrown at me.  But this?  No, this
one was just too much.  I needed to get out of here, and fast.  And I
decided that I was very quietly just going to leave them there, let them do
what they want, I needed air before I passed out.  And within minutes I
grabbed my jacket, threw on my shoes and left the apartment.  I had no idea
where I was going, but I just jumped in the elevator ran to my car and sped
out of the garage.  I didn't give a fuck about the party or anything else .
I just drove around in circles not knowing where to go or what to do.  My
life had just been flipped over and upside down in a matter of hours.

After over 10 years of being beaten and tortured, and then 4 years of
nothing, my brother shows up to be the caring and loving person that I knew
he was.  And after the past four years of making friends, and forming a new
life for myself, my best friend ends up knowing my brother - and just
decided not to mention anything about it, then they meet face to face again
and everything comes crashing down.  I finally ended up in the west end of
Golden Gate Park.  By this time I had been driving around for almost 2
hours and it was after 9 and night, and I just got out and walked down onto
the beach and stared at the ocean watching the waves rise and fall.  And I
realized I had been wrong again this afternoon, I thought that I had the
upper hand on things, thought that I was finally in control of my life, of
what I did, and what happened.  And yet, here I am again, no control over
anything, hell in a way I had less control now, than ever before.  At least
before I knew what was happening, I may not have been able to stop it but I
knew what was going to happen.  Now I was totally lost, totally out of
control.  What kind of relationship did they have? How had they interacted
together outside of the team? Why the fuck didn't Sam ever make any effort
to tell me about any of this.  I was so confused and so upset that I didn't
know what to do other than just sit there and cry.

I had no idea how long I had been sitting there, must have been hours, and
actually in looking at my watch it had been hours, it was already after
midnight.  But truthfully I didn't care, apparently neither did anyone else
really.  I don't think anyone had come looking for me, because if they had,
at least had Sam decided to, he would have known where to find me.  He knew
exactly where I would go to just sit and think about life, right here on
this spot.  He's been here a hundred times with me, if he wanted to find me
he could.  But truthfully I was cold and tired, and worn out and I just
wanted to go home and go to bed.  But just the same I was afraid to go back
there, afraid of what I would find, I don't think that I could handle
dealing with either one of them right now, I will get the truth , I will
find out what happened, but it would have to wait. So I finally got up and
started walking back up the beach to my car, and as I got closer to the
street, I could see Sam's car sitting next to mine.  Well, at least he had
come out to look for me, I then wondered whether or not he had Jeff with
him, but then realized that I didn't care. I wasn't in the mood to talk to
either one of them right now.  As I approached the front door of my car,
Sam jumped out of his and said,

	"I was hoping I would find you here, John we need to talk."  I just
looked back at him with daggers in my eyes,

		"Actually Sam, no we don't need to talk.  What you need to
do is very quickly get back into your car and disappear before you have an
even bigger problem on your hands than you already do. And wait until I
contact you again before even consider calling me.  Do you understand?"  I
knew that even in all the darkness of the night he could see and feel the
anger I had in me at this point, and he just slowly nodded, got back into
his car and drove away.  I didn't even realize until that point, how much
anger I had in me over this.  But I did, and now I had to go home and deal
with Jeff, which I was wondering whether or not I should do tonight or
tomorrow. And I wrestled with it in my head as I drove back home.  Finally
walking up to the door of my apartment, I decided that I just couldn't deal
with it tonight and I would just talk to Jeff in the morning about it.  As
I walked into the apartment, I could see the reflection of the TV on the
wall in the living room, and I slowly walked from the front door over to
the living room and what I saw actually made me chuckle and tear at the
same time.  There was Jeff, asleep out on the couch with the TV on, exactly
the way he was 4 and a half years ago when I moved out.  And just like last
time, I shut the TV, went and got a blanket from the linen closet put it
over him, kissed him on the forehead and said

	"I love you Jeff."

And again, I laugh at myself, how many fucking times was this going to
happen? Would I ever really have control of my life?  By the looks of it,
no it's just an ongoing circle of torture that gets wider and wider, and
just takes longer to get around each time.  But one way or another, I wind
up back in the same place -with no control at all.  I just stood there,
watching Jeff sleep, studying the curvature of his face, the shape of his
lips, the way he lay there peacefully just like he had that night, looking
like the angel that everyone thought he was.

I sighed and walked out of the living room and back to my own bedroom,
where I took off my clothes and crawled into bed pulling the covers over me
and just stared at the ceiling with tears rolling down my face trying to
figure out what to do now.  I really can't blame Jeff for any of this, he
had no clue who I had been talking about when I mentioned Sam, and granted
it had been 6 years since they'd seen each other, maybe I shouldn't be mad
at either one of them, but the one thing that was irking me was, was there
any possibility that these two had fooled around back then?  I mean I knew
Sam had never really hidden his sexuality from the time he came out, and
Jeff, while he claims he had a girlfriend, that really in essence means
nothing, guys fool around with guys all the time, straight or not, it
happens.  I'm not sure how I would handle knowing that.  I was having a
hard enough time grasping the fact that they knew each other to begin with,
let alone anything further. My head was just spinning and I finally gave up
on trying to understand this and at some point fell asleep.

After hours of twisting and turning, I suddenly shot up in bed smelling
something odd coming into my bedroom - coffee.  I guess Jeff was up and
had found the coffee in the kitchen, and then looked over at the clock
11:45am.  Good lord I had slept away most of the morning, but I guess time
to get up and go face the music, not sure I really wanted to hear it, but I
had to.  As I rolled out of bed I started walking towards the door, and
then realized that I was completely naked as I always was when I got up,
but was going to have to change that and remember to at least put on a pair
of shorts when walking out.  So I ran back threw on a pair of gym shorts
and walked out into the kitchen, as it came into view I found Jeff with no
shirt on and his back to me bent over staring into the fridge and I quietly
said,

	"Looking for something?"  He suddenly shot up straight and turned
to look at me with such soft eyes and said,

		"Yea milk or coffee creamer."  I chuckled a little and
said,

	"Well unfortunately you aren't going to find any in there, I drink
my coffee black, but there might be some half and half on the top shelf in
the back, just check the date on it." He stuck his head back in and
apparently found it.  He then poured us both coffee and walked over to me,
looked into my eyes and said,

		"Thanks for the blanket last night.  Sorry I couldn't wait
up, I tried but it had been a long day for me."  I just stared back into
his eyes and just nodded, and as I was about to say something, he put his
hand up and said,

		"Wait, let me talk first, and then like I said yesterday,
you can decide what you want to do, but you need to hear me out first." I
just nodded and he continued,

		"I don't know if you ended up talking or seeing Sam last
night, because after you ran off he said he'd actually know where to find
you and decided that just he would go to find you and try and talk you into
just going back home.  But it doesn't matter, you're here so we can leave
that alone for now at least.  John, I don't know how you're going to take
this, and I probably should have said it out right to begin with, but
things were going so well that I didn't want to ruin it, but Sam is
actually how I found you.  It was a shot in the dark, but the best one I
ever made.  As I'm sure you figured out already, Sam and I were on the
wrestling team together back at school and had become relatively good
friends for the time that we were on the team together.  But after I
graduated and came back west, I had never spoken to him again until a week
ago.  I remembered where you said you were when you called, and I knew Sam
was from here and a good guy and there might be a chance that he knew you
and I figured I'd give it a try.  And I got lucky, very lucky.  John, what
I said to you yesterday was true, every bit of it about what happened and
why and also the subsequent things after.  And after all of it, after I had
to leave Mike's last week, I realized that I was alone, I had no one, it
was just like you said years ago, that when I went away and you weren't
there, I'd fall flat on my ass, and I have, with every single thing in my
life.  And I finally hit rock bottom, and I remembered what you said years
ago that you'd do anything for me, and I hoped and prayed that it was still
true.  And when I got a hold of Sam to find out about you - all I asked
him was if you had ever talked about things and if so, if he thought you
might actually take the time to talk to me.  And just as a side note - I
only contacted him a week ago.  Look John I know it's crazy the whole thing
is crazy but you know what?  I missed you too."  I just stared back at him,
I was angry, furious, happy, sad and every other emotion that existed.  And
then I just got up turned my back to him and stared out the window and
quietly said,

	"Jeff, do you know what it feels like to be used?  What it feels
like to be kept in the dark knowing nothing about anything? What it feels
like to want something so badly, but know that you can never have it? To
feel as if you never have control over your life, that no matter what you
do, you just can't win? And then to have that something that you've always
wanted be put into your grasp but before getting the chance to embrace it,
having it pulled right back out?  Do you know what those things feel like?"
And I waited for a response but got none and I turned around to look into
his eyes stared at him, into him and continued,

	"If what you say is true, then the answer is no, you don't know
what it feels like because you've never experienced anything that comes
remotely close to any of those types of feelings.  Well you know what, I'll
give you a one worded answer as to what it feels like.  It makes you feel
like NOTHING.  As if the only thing you were put on the earth to do was be
used as a tool for someone else.  I have worked for YEARS to get over that
feeling, worked my ass off, day after day proving to myself that I was more
than that, and I had finally actually gotten to a point where I was able to
believe that.  I look around at what I've done, what I've been able to do
with most of my life I'm proud of, I felt as if I was no longer being used.
And then all of a sudden, just like everything else, that good feeling, is
yanked right back out of my hand.  Why did you come here Jeff?  Did you
really miss me? Or was it the fact that you figured well I'm in trouble
again, who I can I get to fix or save me, Ah John can do it.  I know he'll
do anything for me.  And you know what Jeff, up until last night, you were
absolutely 100% right.  Because I love you, because I couldn't say no to
you, I've never been able to say no.  But I realized something last night,
and really this morning too, I can't help you anymore, not the way you want
or expect me to.  I love you Jeff, I always have an I always will, but I'm
not going to let you use me anymore, I need to keep the control that I've
obtained over the last few years. I'm not going to let you take that away
from me, you are my family, you are my flesh and blood I won't ever let you
completely fail, but the rest you're on your own with, you've got to do it,
you've got a place to stay I'll never turn you away like that. But make
your own money get yourself on your feet, and then do what you want.
Remember that I love you, and care for you more than you could even begin
to conceive, I do forgive you for everything that has already happened -
it's in the past and that's it, but this is my show now, not yours."  I
walked over kissed him on the forehead and then walked out of the kitchen
leaving him sitting there at the table, and before walking the rest of the
way back to my bedroom I stopped, turned to look at him just sitting there
and wondered where things were headed next..