Date: Wed, 21 Jan 2009 17:49:06 -0500
From: Blonde Blue eyes <blondeblueeyes@gmail.com>
Subject: True Love 11

      I couldn't believe what I just heard, the man spoke, I didn't care
what it was that he said -- well actually I did but that was besides the
point, he spoke. And I just looked at him, staring and tearing, and praying
that what I heard was not just my ears playing mean tricks on me.  And I
asked between sobs, `what did you say?'  and he said again in a whisper, "I
love you Michael".  It was not a dream, it was real, he spoke, he really
spoke.  I just smiled back and nodded.  And of course being the selfish
person that I am, I wondered immediately what was the meaning behind it?
Was it as just a son, was it as a lover? Did he even remember what had been
said almost a year ago?  That in itself again was an odd realization, which
I had pondered earlier, but again thought now, good almost a year ago I
came out to this man, told him that I was in love with him and then walked
off, I really was sick.

      But as I was thinking, I felt his eyes burning into my head, so I
blinked my eyes, and looked back at him and just smiled, and asked him how
he was feeling, and also why he didn't actually `say' anything to the
doctor out-loud? He looked back at me and again softly said `It hurts to
talk, but if anyone deserved to hear it first it was you.' And he smiled
again and turned his head back to look straight up at the ceiling, and I
once again was left to sit there running a million thoughts through my
head, what the hell did he mean?? Did he want me as his lover? Did he just
mean it because he knew there was no one else left but the two of us?  I
was dying to know, desperate at that, but there was no way I was going to
ask, especially not now.  That would only add more stress and that was the
last thing I wanted to do, so I was just going to keep my mouth shut, and
just leave this insanity alone for now.

      I wanted to sit there all day, and all night, I didn't want to leave
him again, but the damned nurses were pushing me out of the recovery room.
The patients need to rest, you cant stay in here.  I swear I wanted to
curse and chastise, I almost begged the nurse that knew what my deal was to
stay, but she wouldn't let me.  I was told I'd be allowed back in, in the
morning.  It really was a fucking curse.  Every time I get a chance to
spend some time with him while he's actually awake, `slap' he gets taken
away from me.  I swear I didn't know what to do laugh or cry, what a sick,
sick joke.  As I walked out the door, I turned around to look through the
glass, and again saw the man that I loved, laying in a bed hooked up to all
of these things, eyes once again closed, but peaceful.

      At this point I really wasn't sure what to do, my head hurt me from
thinking too much I was stuck outside here, for another 12 hours, and I
didn't even have him to hold on to at night.  This was certainly a first
for me -- at least in past months, although I had to face one fact again.
That for a good while, I would still be able to sleep in the same room with
him, maybe actually even get to really sleep, or at least attempt to.  But
there was going to come a time where that too would end and we would be
able to go back home, and I would have to go back to sleeping in my own
room alone.  While that would be a wonderful blessing, that he would
eventually be able to walk out of here on his own two feet, and be able to
start living his life again, it actually put a different spin on things for
me.

      Yes, I had him back and alive again, yes I would have him outside of
this damned hospital, even in our house.  But it would be back to square
one.  I was absolutely going to keep my promise to him and myself, that I
was going no-where.  I was moving back home, there was no question in that.
I would certainly be out of school for a while, which really didn't bother
me at all, I really wasn't in the mood to go back anyway.  And in reality I
knew that I would never date again.  Even if being with my father as a
lover were never to happen, there was never going to be anyone
else. Actually for quite some time I did think I was going to grow old
alone, which truthfully did not bother me that much, I was always the
loner, grew up that way.  It's just I guess I thought things would change,
maybe they will, who knows, well actually the one thing I did know very
clearly is that I was going to have my own battle to wage with inside me.
All that I just admitted to and say that I understand, all of it is still
at war with the one simple fact that I'm still in love with the man, more
so than ever before.

      It was already 1130 at night, and I decided that maybe I should go
out and take a walk, it was clear that I was not going to sleep, I didn't
know where I was going, maybe I would do one of my aimless non-ending
walks, I really had nothing else to do, my head hurt already, so I set out
walking, and walked and walked I couldn't really tell you what was running
through my head, because it was really all a blur. I saw so many things,
and so many issues, it was really like a total overload and at times I
really did just want to stop, dig a hole in the ground crawl in and pull
the rock over it and disappear for good.  Almost in a daze I just walked
and walked, and before I knew it the sky was getting bright again, that one
I couldn't even believe, I mean I have done really long walks but in
looking at my watch almost 6 hours had gone by, and I had no clue where I
was, and had to quickly figure that out and get my ass back to the
hospital.

      But when I realized and figured out where I was, it wasn't a very
long or difficult trip back, apparently I had just been walking in very big
circles. I wasn't more than a mile and a half away from the hospital, which
I guess in essence wasn't such a bad thing, but I turned around and headed
back to the hospital to face the potential unknown, a whole night had gone
by, and I had absolutely no idea what happened. Not sure if I was ready for
it either, but what was one to do other than to go back and face it.  And
again as I walked back towards the hospital entrance, I felt such an energy
emanating from the place that it was almost difficult to push forward into
the building -- which was really most likely my brain making me nuts, but
what else is new.  As I walked through the doors and towards the elevators,
everything around me seemed to be moving in slow motion, it was really just
a freaky thing. But as the doors opened onto the floor, I just stood there
for a moment looking out and wondering what the hell I was going to find on
the other side of the door to the recovery room.

      I finally pushed the door open, and I looked straight ahead at an
empty bed, and then to the left, a bed but not my fathers, to the right
another empty bed. I did another quick scan of the room and did not see him
anywhere, and then made a bee-line to the nursing station and found the one
from last night and just said "what happened?"  She just looked back at me,
and I could see in her eyes that something was wrong, very wrong.  I looked
back at her and just asked "Is he gone?" She nodded her head no, and took
my hand and helped me into a chair and I just looked up at her with tears
in my eyes, and in a very soft voice said "He went into cardiac arrest
about 20 minutes ago, I went to look for you, but didn't find you anywhere,
they took him back into surgery" I just ran out to the bathroom to
throw-up. Yes, it really was a sick and cruel joke, first I get him to open
his eyes but no speech, then eyes, movement and a whisper, and then he gets
taken away again. It truly was a curse. Finally after I stopped throwing
up, I walked back into the recovery room and just sat down on the first
chair that I saw and put my head into my hands and started sobbing once
again.  Maybe I really wasn't supposed to have him. I could have dribs and
drabs, but that was it.  I wanted him, I wanted him so badly, and yet it
appeared that I just couldn't have him.

      The nurse came over to me again, and put her hand on my shoulder, and
scared the shit out of me, but I looked up and she just said to me `don't
worry, he's going to be OK.' I laughed at that statement, and just
responded `you actually expect me to believe that, after what has happened
in the past 48 hours, you expect me to believe that.' She just looked at me
and said `No, but it will be you'll see, just take a deep breath, he will
be ok.' I just sat there shaking my head in disbelief.  Maybe I really was
asking for too much, maybe I wasn't supposed to have any of this, that I
should have just gone on with my life like I said I would, have gone on,
traveled through Europe, and actually try to make a real relationship with
that guy.  Hahaha, who was I kidding, I probably was meant to just be
alone.  Hell I'd rather be alone than having him to go through all of this
pain and stress and trauma.  It's just not fair to either of us, he doesn't
deserve this at all. I actually wish I could have it all happening to me,
except he's stronger than I am, it probably would have killed me the first
time around.  And once again, I looked up and this time saw the surgeon's
face.  He looked absolutely exhausted, and had absolutely no expression on
his face at all.  This was it, he was going to tell me that he didn't
survive, and all the bullshit about they did all that could be done etc.
He just looked at me and said, "Come with me, I want to talk to you about
the surgery."


Comments/Questions: blondeblueeyes@gmail.com