Date: Thu, 29 Jan 2009 11:00:22 -0500
From: Blonde Blue eyes <blondeblueeyes@gmail.com>
Subject: True Love 13

Author's Note: To those whom have responded and claim that this is too
`dramatic or descriptive, or drawn out in certain scenes' I do want to
state once again, that this is absolutely true and honest, I am writing it
as close to memory as possible. Those parts that seem drawn out or
`fairytale' like, I can say nothing more to than it's something that you
can't understand until you live it yourself.

      There was just absolute silence between us, because quite frankly I
had absolutely no idea what else to say.  I mean all that had just been
shown to me and told to me, was like being hit with a brick wall, it just
didn't make any sense to me -- well at least not all of it.  But I wanted
to understand so much and figure him out.  Because for one thing again, I
once again felt as if I was looking at someone that I did not know.  He
looked the same (well sort of), he sounded the same, had the same attitude
and personality, at least from what I've seen. And yet I'm being told that
he lived almost a double life.  I had so many questions to the point that
my head hurt.  I just looked back at him again and then lowered my head
into my hands to look at the floor, because not only was all of this
happening but it was opening up a wound, that I've been trying to heal and
close and I had no idea what I was going to do now, other than just start
crying as usual.

      In the midst of all my insanity, I was tapped on my shoulder by one
of the nurses telling me that I had to leave for the evening, and I looked
up at this woman and gave her the dirtiest look I could come up with, stood
up, faced her and said, `you can call hospital security, call the police if
you want, but there isn't a damn thing on this earth that is going to make
leave this room, so deal with it.' And I turned around and sat back down,
and I heard my father say to her `it's not worth fighting with him, just
let him be' and I guess after that she walked away.  And now it was time to
turn back to my father, and I just looked at him again and repeated my
original question of `why?'  And he just looked back at me and stared for a
few minutes into my eyes, and started off on his next rant.

      `You know Michael I'm human too, I was a kid too, just like you I was
unsure of a lot about myself.  Yes, I knew certain things that I wanted for
sure.  I knew what it was that I wanted to do, I knew that I did want to be
a father one day, but at the same time, the one thing I was not sure of was
who I was.  I always had mixed feelings towards people and was never sure
what they meant.  And in a way I was in the same position as you were -- I
wanted to ask so many questions, and yet I was afraid to do so, and as a
result I never did.  And then in my second year of high school, before I
met your mother, I met Michael.  There was a connection that was formed
immediately, that initially I did not understand at all, but I knew it was
there and I knew that I wanted more of it.  And I went for it, and yes, I
had fallen for him.  It made no sense to me, because I knew that sort of
thing was wrong -- and not accepted at all.  But it was a feeling that was
there and as much as I tried to deny it, I could not.  Although on the same
token I knew that I could not get what I really wanted out of it.  So I
went and found your mother, and while yes I did love her too very much, the
connection was not the same.  But, it was necessary so that was the route I
went -- Michael and I kept in touch until you were born by these letters,
but once you came along I knew that I had to close that chapter of life and
move on.  So after that last letter, I have never heard from him again.
And truthfully, I am not unhappy about that.  I had the son that I always
wanted, and my sole concentration belonged to you and your mother and your
brothers.'

      I just sat there listening to this man absolutely dumbfounded by what
was coming out of his mouth, I mean this was not the man that I knew, it
was a completely different person with a life that I never knew existed,
but then again I guess I wasn't supposed to know that it existed. I just
kept staring at him, and finally forced myself to ask the burning question
that I had, and I said to him, `That good and all, but why are you telling
me this now? I mean I'm grateful that you trust me with this to know it,
but why now? Are you telling me that once you get out of here you're going
to try and find him again or that you are going to go back to being gay? Or
what I mean, I'm just completely lost.'  At that point I chose not to bring
my own feelings into this, because I hadn't a clue where this was going
anymore.  It could all just be to have everything in the open, so that
there's no more hiding any secrets or because he's worried that something
else might happen, I just had absolutely no clue at all.  As I sat there in
a daze, he reached over and took my hand in his, and made me look back at
him and said `Michael, I tell you this now because I love you, and I want
you to know everything about me, just as I want to know about you.  I am
you father and you are my son, I also consider to you to be my best friend,
I don't want us to hide anything from each other anymore, whatever it is we
can deal with it.'  And he kissed my hand, and I looked back at him with
tears in my eyes and said to him

      "That's wonderful, and yes I am your son and proud of it, and I am
your friend and you are mine, and you're right again there should be no
more secrets, and we should deal with everything together.  But if that's
the case, and we aren't going to keep anything hidden any more, then I'm
going to tell you what I told you originally. Dad, I love you. I love you
as my father, as my friend, and I want, no I do love you so much more and
in so many more ways. And I want you to be the happiest and healthiest man
possible.  I want you to have that connection and those feelings that you
had with Michael all those years ago, and if not with me, then at least you
no longer have to pretend anymore, just like you have always told me, you
deserve the world and everything it has to offer, and anyone man or woman
would damned lucky to have you.  So I'll say again, that I love you
unconditionally, I will always be proud to be your son and your friend, no
matter what you do or who you are with.'  And without even letting him
answer to it, I kissed his hand, and got up to go to the bathroom to clean
up my face because it was a mess. And also because I really wasn't sure I
was ready to hear his response just yet, because who knows what it would
be.

      As I stood in the bathroom looking at myself in the mirror, I kept
replaying in my head what had just happened, and what had just been
revealed by both of us.  My father told me that he was in fact gay or at
the very least bisexual, had a male lover that he actually was still with
while married to my mother, and I just reminded him that I was in love with
him, yet gave him the OK that he could go and do what he wanted and be with
who he wanted. Was I out of my mind? No, I was being diplomatic, truthfully
what I wanted really was wrong, it felt right, but it was wrong.  And I
certainly was not going to force this issue, I said what I had to, told him
how I felt on all fronts, the rest was up to him and that's the way I was
going to leave it. And with that I washed and dried my face and went back
out into the ICU, only to find the man asleep, which I suppose wasn't
exactly that surprising, he just had 2 major surgeries in a matter of 42
hours, so I guess sleeping was a good thing.  However I did run over to the
bed to make sure that it was just sleep and not back to a coma, but it was
sleep.  I leaned over and kissed him on top of the head, whispered in his
ear that I'd be here when he woke up and walked out of the ICU, and down to
the cafeteria.

      Of course at 1130 at night the cafeteria wasn't open, so it was
outside again to ponder my thoughts and to find something open to get food,
I realized I hadn't eaten or slept in 3 days, and well I was hungry. So I
started doing one of my favorite things, just wandering around outside
contemplating my thoughts and life, and the way that things could change.
And there were so many directions and so many ways that this could go that
it really was just a complete maze. I knew ultimately what I wanted.  I
wanted the one and only man that existed for me to be mine, I wanted to be
the one that made him happy, made him laugh, made him smile. I wanted to be
the one that was there for him to cry on my shoulder if he needed to. I
wanted to travel the world with him. I wanted to grow old next to him, hell
I wanted to be buried next to him (just not anytime soon).  I wanted it
all.  But on that same wave length, I knew there was possibility that all
that could happen, but not with me.  Of course that would just leave me
back at square one, he'd be involved with someone else, and I'd sit back
and watch it all happen.  And the joke of it all -- I would support him
150% no matter what he chose to do, whether it be alone, with someone else
or with me, I really just wanted him to be happy, nothing else really
mattered, as long as he was alive, well and happy, that was what I cared
about most.  With that, I decided it was time I just walk back to the
hospital and sit next to him until he woke up and either talk more about
what was going to happen or just leave it as it was.

      As I walked back into the ICU, and saw him laying in the bed still
asleep, my mind went back to just looking at him.  It was one of those
times where he wasn't hooked up to a million different things, he was just
there asleep looking peaceful and not in pain, his brown hair all messy,
one arm at his side and the other laying on his chest.  It made me actually
think of the time that I had come home from school to find him asleep on
the couch, and all I wanted to do was crawl up and lay down with my head on
his shoulder and pull his other arm around me.  I thought about it then but
didn't do it, and I think about it now, and want to do it so badly and yet
I can't.  And right at that exact moment, I was actually able to smile,
just thinking about it, when things were good and calm, and then said to
myself it would be like that again -- at some point.  After running through
all that, I walked over to the bed and pushed the chair as close to the bed
as possible, and sat down, leaned over and laid my head on his leg and put
his hand on my head.  His hand was so warm against my head, calming almost,
but gave me the sign that there was still life in him.  And all of a sudden
I felt the hand move and rub the top of my head, my eyes sprung open, and I
looked up at him saw his brown eyes open and a smile on his face.  And he
kept looking at me and then said `You haven't done that since you were a
little boy'.  I smiled and nodded, and put my head back exactly where it
was, he put his hand back on top of my head just rubbing it, and I just
closed my eyes, it was the nicest, warmest, most calming feeling I had, had
in a very long time.  One feeling that I wanted to last for as long as
possible, God did I love this man, and I knew that it was only getting
deeper and more powerful by the minute.

Questions/comments always welcome at blondeblueeyes@gmail.com