Date: Tue, 3 Feb 2009 09:19:09 -0500
From: Blonde Blue eyes <blondeblueeyes@gmail.com>
Subject: True love 14

      As I lay there with my head on his leg, I must have drifted off to
sleep for a while, because I heard him calling my name, and started to wake
up. I was certainly a bit groggy and for a moment didn't know where I was,
but it was certainly nice waking up and seeing him awake and cognitive, and
complaining about the fact that his leg had fallen asleep from me laying on
it. As I sat up looking at his face and eyes and smile, I had a moment of
tranquility and quick `future' view that maybe, just maybe I'd be able to
wake up to that every single morning for the rest of my life, of course and
then of course reality hit me again, and well my little bubble of serenity
was burst.  But I also did realize something, last night when I said what I
did and how I felt, I never gave him the chance to respond to it.  And now
I wanted to know and desperately so, except that there were so many people
around it wasn't exactly feasible, because if he said yes I was going to
kiss him right there, if he said no, I'd probably start crying and run the
other way.  So I just sat up took his hand in mine and said `morning'.  He
chuckled and said well more like `afternoon' but same to you.  And I looked
at the clock, it was indeed afternoon, but hey I was tired.

      As I sat there and stared at him, I started thinking about what the
hell would happen if things really did not go the way I wanted them to, and
he chose to go with another guy or even with no one.  What was I going to
do then?  I guess in the end it really didn't matter, regardless of how our
relationship proceeded from here, I wasn't going to leave him, unless he
actually told me to, I wasn't going anywhere. I knew a long time ago there
was never going to be another man in my life –relationship wise, that
spot was reserved for only one man even if it was never filled only one
person had that right.  A healthy situation for me? Certainly not, but
that's the way it was going to be.  And when I finally came out of my world
of contemplation, I again turned to look at him and without even thinking
just blurted out, "Dad, about what I said last night, I didn't mean to
bombard you with all that, but after what you told me, and after watching
you for almost 3 months hanging on by a string, the thought of losing you
scares me shitless, and if God forbid it did happen, I just wanted you to
know how much I really do love you. And it really doesn't matter to me how
I have you, as long as you're alive and well and just well here, and also
for you to know that I will always be here for you no matter what, because
you mean more to me than anything else in life, well that's really it."

      He just kept staring at me, didn't say anything, didn't make any
movement, just stared at me. Which admittedly was a little freaky, I could
almost feel his eyes boring into me, what they were looking at or looking
for I had no idea, but I sure as hell felt them.  And I finally just called
to him and he then looked up at me and smiled and just responded, "I
know". I looked back at him with a puzzled face because I had no idea what
that meant, knows what?  And he looked at me again and said "Michael, I
know how you feel, I heard and understood you last year when you first said
it to me, but here isn't the place to talk about it," and my heart just
sank, the waiting would continue.  He squeezed my hand again and made me
look up at him and repeated what he said, "Mikey listen to me carefully.  I
said I heard you, and I understand how you feel, but I want you to think
really carefully about what you're saying and meaning and what the
consequences are." And all I could do was laugh, I mean laugh hysterically,
if he only knew how much I thought about this.  And then I realized, he can
say he understands, and I'm sure to a point he does, but what he doesn't
get is the magnitude of this.  Maybe I really was too infatuated with this
– with him, but honestly it didn't matter this is the way it was, and is
going to continue to be, whether he accepted it or not.

      I just looked back at him tried to stop from laughing, and just
kissed his hand, and very simply said to him, "I've been thinking about it
for years, and to me there are no consequences, only benefits.  But it's in
the past so no worries, we both know everything about each other, unless
you have another box hidden somewhere in your bedroom that you're going to
show me at a later date?" he just nodded his head no, and I just said
`good, so then that's all, we're going to work hard, you are going to do
absolutely everything the doctor tells you to with the rehab and the drugs,
and we're going to get out of this dump as soon as possible." I leaned over
kissed him on the top of his head, told him that I loved him, and then
tried to let go of his hand because I really needed some air at that point,
but he wouldn't let go of my hand and asked me where I was going.  I just
looked back at him again, trying to hold back the tears, and told him that
I needed some air.  He looked at me with a disappointed face and just said
`Oh OK' and I then I just lost it, and went back to him and almost in an
angry tone, which I didn't mean to do and I just said to him
      `Look, what do you want from me? First you tell me that you are gay,
then you show me love letters from a man that you were having an affair
with, then I tell you that I love you, and you ask me have a thought about
it.  Do you have any idea how long I wanted to tell you all of those
things?  And how long I've wrestled with myself about what you would think
of me if I ever told you about it? I love you, I'm not a child, I know what
it is that I want, and what it means, makes no difference to me.  But I
want you to understand, that is all just trivial now, the only thing that
matters to me now is that you are alive and going to get better.'

      And I left it at that and turned to walk away, and as I walked
towards the door, I looked back at him, he had this odd look on his face
which I couldn't place to an emotion to.  And then I thought to myself, oh
shit, I just stressed him out even more which was the last thing he needs.
So once again, I walked back over to his bed and asked him what was wrong.
He looked straight into my eyes and just asked `But why?'  And I laughed to
myself because he just confirmed my assumption of the fact that he really
didn't understand what I was saying and how strongly I felt about this.
And I responded back, "Simple, I love you.  But no worries about it
anymore, we said what we had to and now we need to take care of other
things.  I'm going out for a walk, be back in about 20 minutes." And I just
turned and walked away.

      As I walked outside, I realized that this was it, time to just close
this door and move on, there's too much else to be done, he doesn't now, he
can't understand it, and I've explained it as best I know how, and the end
result is the same, our relationship will remain as father and son and best
friends.  Truthfully there was absolutely nothing wrong with that, before
all this started that's what we were going to be anyway, at least I had
hoped it would be.  My primary goal now is to get him out of here and home
and that's it.  And with that decided I went back inside to go and sit with
him like I promised him and myself that I would.

      So, put a smile back on my face, and walked back into the room, saw
him sitting there talking to the surgeon, not sure if he saw me come in but
regardless I just walked over and interrupted with my comment of, `So when
can we move him back to a regular room, and start the rehab process?  I
think you're great and all, but I think I can speak for both of us, we've
had enough of this place already and want to get out of here as soon as
possible.' The guy just looked and laughed at me, which personally I
thought was rather rude, I asked an honest question.  But he responded,
`moving him to a room, should be later today, rehab soon, but I don't want
to rush it.  And you know, you are just like your father. He asked the same
question not 10 minutes ago, and in the same tone,' and then said something
to my father and walked away.  Another thing that I had also decided
outside was that now that I knew where we stood with things, and he seemed
to be very stable, I was actually going to go back to the house and sleep
on a bed, and take a real shower. And I looked at dad and said, "with all
that said, I think I'm actually going to go back to the house tonight and
do some laundry, shower and sleep on a real bed for a night. So is there
anything you want me to get you to keep you busy, now that you have
rejoined the waking world?"

      Now I think that shocked him, since not 2 days ago had I told him I
was not leaving that place until he came with me.  But I knew that I had
to, I'm not sure if it would help me or make it worse to be in the house by
myself, but I needed a break, I just couldn't take anymore, I needed to be
alone to think, which in itself was a dangerous thing.  But he just looked
back to me and said, "no, I'll be fine, are you OK?" and I responded, `yep
I'm fine, I just need a real shower and bed, and also I think they are
going to put you in a shared room, so before I start sleeping on the chair
again, I think I'll give my back a break and go and take a bed, but I'll
hang around here until they get you into a room."  It was rather strange
just sitting there with him awake, able to talk but not saying anything, I
actually was looking at him, but for the first time not really into him,
and I really wasn't sure why, because usually if his eyes were open I
always looked into him, even as a boy, always looked in never at.  And yet
now, I was just looking at.  And I actually felt as if he was doing the
same thing.  We were looking at each other just sitting there in silence. I
mean there really was nothing to be said at that point.  I considered my
fate with him as I wanted it was sealed with a no, but I had to keep
reminding myself I still had him and that was the most important thing.
Finally, we were told that a bed was ready and they moved him into a room,
and I happened to be right, they put him in a double room – which to a
degree I was thankful for.  And once he was all settled in and as
comfortable as possible, I got the phone and television service turned on
and then walked over to him took his hand in mine, leaned over gave him a
kiss on the head, told him that I loved him, and if he needed me to just
call and I'd be back as soon as possible. And I put his hand down, and
started walked out of the room, and he called to me and said "Mikey," and I
turned and looked at him and said `yea?' and he said "I love you too. Sweet
dreams."  I smiled at him said `thanks', and walked out of the room.

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