Date: Mon, 9 Feb 2009 11:54:03 -0500
From: Blonde Blue eyes <blondeblueeyes@gmail.com>
Subject: True Love 15

      As I walked out of the hospital and over to the car, my mind was just
running in circles.  I had to degree opened the floor for discussion about
us, and then slammed the door shut in his face.  But in a way he did the
same thing to me, `why, and have you thought about it and the consequences'
Maybe my father really did not know me as well as I had thought -- even
previous to everything, maybe I was making the assumption that he knew
everything, and I'm totally wrong, he knows nothing and is just going along
with it as if he does. If he really did I don't think he'd have asked those
two questions because he would have known me well enough that anything I
have ever said to him has always been truth and to the point.  If I was
going to say something it was real.  So why would he question this unless
he really didn't believe or know me as I thought.  And if that were the
case, what difference did it make, what a mess.

      I got into the car and just started driving back to the house and of
course now switching over to the fact of wondering whether or not this was
such a good idea.  It was the first time in over 3 months that I was going
to be sleeping alone with no one else around at all, and to a degree in a
strange house.  But I reassured myself that, this was the right thing for
me to do right now, take a break and take some me time, without him next to
me or in the next room.  I pulled up into the driveway, turned off the car
and just sat there staring at the house, I think that I was actually afraid
to go inside, there were just too many factors in there that would set me
off and I knew it.  But again I reassured myself that this was the right
thing to do.  So I got out of the car and walked up to the door and walked
in, and again got slammed with the visions of what had happened here now
almost 4 months ago.

      As I walked up the steps into the living room and looked around
everything really seemed so surreal as if it was all just frozen in time
encompassed by absolute and total silence.  It was odd actually there were
times at which I thought I would be spending my entire life like this, just
sitting and being alone in total silence.  I walked into the kitchen and
actually sat down in the chair that my father always sat in which faced the
back of the house and just stared out into the dark backyard wondering what
it was that he was doing right now.  Was he asleep, watching the TV or
what, I don't know.  And I just thought to myself once again how selfish I
am to just leave him there, and even more so that I was being a moron,
because I had asked for him to be alive and he was, I had then further
asked that he be able to speak, and he can.  I finally get all these things
after 3 months of nothing and what do I do? pick up and say I need time for
myself.  I mean there really was something wrong with me.  But on the other
hand, if I were to sit there and look at him, what would I end up doing?
Probably crying as usual.  I love my father dearly I want him in every
possible way, but it's becoming -- no it is clear that the one way I want
most really isn't possible.

	I just continued sitting and staring out the window, at that point
I didn't know whether to cry or wish that I didn't love him like I did,
that I could just be any other normal gay person, and I didn't have to love
him like I do, that would make life so simple.  I could love him as my
father and best friend, and even be able to do everything, stick around the
house, do things with him, travel with him, anything and just not have to
want him as my lover and partner.  But of course, life was not that simple,
never has been nor will it ever be.  I really was head over heals in love
with this man and that was never going to change, it was just a matter of
how to deal with it.  After sitting there just aimlessly staring into
darkness, I decided it was time to drag myself upstairs to bed, I mean I
knew I really wasn't going to be able to sleep, I'd be doing just what I
had been doing, laying staring at the ceiling wondering what the hell was
wrong with me for wanting this and furthermore trying to get it.  As I
walked up the stairs I stopped on the landing and looked in front of me at
the two rooms.  To the right my fathers, and to the left mine, And I
actually considered go and sleeping on his bed instead of mine, but for
what purpose? Torture? I mean truthfully it would probably be the closest
I'd get to sleeping with him, so why not do it?  And as I walked towards
his room, I stopped just outside the doorway and said no, this isn't right,
if I'm going to sleep in this room I have to be invited or taken in by him,
I can't go in there just for my own satisfaction, and I turned left and
went into my own bedroom.

	As I walked through the doorway I turned on the light and just kept
looking around, and in doing that I had all these memories come back to me,
of sitting in the corner by the window when I was a kid watching out to see
when dad's car would pull into the drive when he got home from work, or
sitting at my desk doing my homework and having dad sneak up behind me and
tickle me.  Or even the times when I would lay curled up under the covers
pretending I was asleep, and he would come in to kiss me goodnight on my
head before he went into his own room.  All of that actually made me smile
for a little bit, they were good memories, comforting made me realize that
even with all of the things I wanted, I still had the most loving father,
maybe not as a lover, but I still had him and I really could ask for no
more, and I guess I wasn't going to.  And I once again made a decision,
that I had said what I wanted to -- twice for that matter, he knows how I
feel and he made his position quite clear on the issue, so that was it.
Going forward its father and son and best friends, and I was going to learn
to be happy with it.  How, I wasn't sure but I was going to, and I finally
just took my clothes off and fell into bed.

	The next time I opened my eyes, and looked at the window, it was
still dark out, which I found rather interesting since if I were correct I
went to sleep at about 1130 at night and I looked at the clock, and it said
9:45.  And I realized I had just slept for over 21 hours, I couldn't
fucking believe it, I slept for an entire day, never called him, and I
don't think he ever called me, but who the hell knows I was dead to the
world, probably wouldn't have heard a bomb go off if it did.  I ran to the
phone and called the hospital and prayed that he would pick up and would
tell me that he's ok and then I'd jump in the shower and run to see him.
To my relief he answered and in one of his snide tones (which actually made
me smile) said `well, well, look who finally rose from the dead, I was
starting to get worried' and I said `yea I'm fine, guess I was more tired
than I thought, but I'm going to jump in the shower and I'll be there in
about 30 minutes, you OK?' Said he was fine, and we hung up and I ran into
the shower, was clean, dressed and out the door in about 15 minutes.

	As I drove back to the hospital, I tried to remember what I had
dreamed about last night, because as much as I slept, it was a restless
sleep, since one thing I do remember quite well is turning over and over
and flipping the pillows every few minutes for quite some time before I
actually fell into a deep sleep. And then I finally remembered what I had
dreamed about it wasn't really a dream more of a `travel back in time'.
All the way back as far as I can remember, doing lots of different things,
then backing away from everyone hiding and just watching but not
participating but always having someone to run to if I wanted to.  And then
there was that one pinnacle statement that my father made 5 years ago when
I was 13 years old.  I had pretty much at that point figured out that I was
gay, and I had no interest in girls, nor did I want to play with the boys
-- not because I didn't like them -- but more along the lines of they
didn't really accept me into their circles, and if they did I felt as if it
was almost just a favor to me not because they really wanted to.  So I ran
to dad and just said "Dad I want to hang around with you this afternoon you
know, just lay on the couch and watch TV." and his response was "Come on
Mikey, you're too old for that already go out and hang out with your
friends, I've going to be working all afternoon anyway." And I didn't fight
him on it, I just quietly said OK, and walked away.  I know he didn't mean
anything by it more than being a father who was encouraging his kid to go
play with his friends -- just like he should.  Why that really has any
significance now, I really don't know.

	After what seemed like hours, but was really no more than 10
minutes, I pulled up to the hospital and just sat in the car and stared at
the building, and kept asking myself what the hell was I doing?  I mean
after all this time, and all these signs and admissions and statements, I
was still nowhere further than where I was last June.  I said what I had
to, but was afraid to hear the answer and let him out of it.  Then he trys
to bring it up again, and asks me to reconsider or `think' about it, which
could be sort of a way of saying maybe, and then I say forget it and let
him off the hook again.  So now, I was not going to bring it up anymore, he
clearly knows exactly how I feel, if he chooses to take it further,
fantastic, if not then it is what it is and we remain as father and son and
best friends and that's it.  Could I stick with that idea? Hahah, good
question.

	But I said fuck it, and I went in and up to his room, and once
again just like every other time I see this man I melt, all of my strengths
and will power, just disappear. Because in front of me I see the most
beautiful creature that exists.  His brown eyes, brown hair, the curvature
of the bones on his face, the smile that he makes - to me, are just
impossible to ignore.  Him laying there I see no wires or tubes stemming
from him, I just see him and at that moment nothing else matters.  And for
a few minutes I just stood there staring at him until I heard him calling
my name and I `woke' up again.  I blinked my eyes again, and finally
started listening again as he said `Welcome back sleepy head,' and I
actually laughed a bit and said `yea look who's talking, he who slept for 3
months' I figured I might as well make light of that.  And he says `Hope
you slept well finally, the nurses are little snitches here told me how
much of a problem you've been over all this time.'  That comment definitely
made me feel a little bit better, because I knew that he really was feeling
better -- and that his mind and attitude were still there.  So actually
with that thought in mind, I sat down next to him took his hand in mine and
made him look at me and said

      "Dad I love you, and I want you to promise me something.  Promise me
that you are going to fight and work as hard as you possibly can to get out
of here. I hate seeing you like this, I want to go home and just move on
past this point, you're too young for this, and we shouldn't be here. I
know why it happened or what it was that I did for you to deserve it.  But
all I want is for you just to be alive and go on living a long time.
That's all I ask of you, nothing more." And I kissed his hand again and
just stared into his eyes.  I wasn't really sure what I wanted to get out
of that, whether a response verbally, or physically or just him there
listening, but it was something that it was something that I needed to say
to him.  It was diplomatic enough, and really as I was saying it, it had
absolutely no underlying meaning to it at all, just exactly what it said, I
wanted that promise from him.

	He looked back at me and smiled, squeezed my hand, just like he had
done when he first came out of the coma and said "You did absolutely
nothing wrong.  You didn't cause this not in any shape or form.  It
happened for whatever reason it's done, and over with and time to move
forward. I promise you that I will fight and do everything that I have to
do to get out of here.  All the work and as long as it takes I'll do it ,
and we'll get out of here as soon as we can, and go home and start living
life again. And I also want you to know that I thank my stars every minute
of the day that I have you as my son, and also - that I love you."

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