Date: Thu, 12 Feb 2009 10:28:50 -0500
From: Blonde Blue eyes <blondeblueeyes@gmail.com>
Subject: Re: true love 16

      "...that I love you" that part of his statement kept repeating over
and over in my head.  What did it mean, how did he mean it, and what do I
do right here? Do I ask him how do you love me? Do I just respond I love
you too?  I really wasn't sure what to say but all that ended up coming out
of my mouth was `I love you too'.  And I just looked back at him and into
his eyes and smiled, at that moment I was again returned to a feeling of
content.  It would be so nice to just be able to keep this feeling going
for the rest of time, content, warmth and I suppose to a degree happiness.
Why couldn't life just be as simple as that?  In the midst of all that he
asked me if something was wrong, I guess I must have been staring at him
like a zombie and he picked it up.  And I just said "no, actually nothing
at all, I was just in a moment of tranquility where I saw everything as
being back to the way things were, us at home and no problems or anything
just going on about life as it should be."  He looked at me in a weird way
and said

      "Have things ever been the way they should be with us?"

      OK, now that was a complete wrench into my thought process, what the
hell was he saying? Or referring to?  I suppose one could look at it in the
way of, no we really haven't exactly been the most normal family with the
white picket fence and 2.3 children.  But then again who really is?  So my
brother's disappeared, and I suppose you could call my mother a `deadbeat'
but I couldn't give her that much credit to begin with.  But still what did
it mean? And I just looked back at him and chuckled and responded, `I
suppose not, but would be nice to even go back to being what they were –
normal for us.' And then for whatever reason I decided to talk to him about
what happened at the house last night and all the feelings that I went
through, not really sure why either. But as I went through each one of my
emotions about sitting in the chair and then walking into my room and
remembering all of the times from the past, I watched his eyes close and a
smile cross his face, and then his eyes open again and the smile then as I
finished off with that last thought that I had in the car before I came
back into the hospital, I saw the smile leave his face and turn into a
frown.  And I realized that last comment was a stupid move on my part.  But
usually once I get started going on a tangent, I don't often stop where I
should.

      As I sat there and looked at him in silence, I saw a tear start to
fall from his eye, now that was a first.  I don't think I have ever seen
that man cry, and if I have I certainly don't remember it.  And I just
looked at him and asked what was wrong?  And he responded

      "Michael, I'm so sorry I did that to you, I shouldn't have pushed you
away," I started to say something but he put his hand over my mouth before
I even had the chance.  "I shouldn't have done it, you just wanted to spend
time with me, there was nothing wrong with that, and I'm sorry.  I'm sorry
about a lot of things.  I let too much slip through my fingers and didn't
pay enough attention to you, I always focused too much on your brothers and
not enough on you, and look what it got me, a disappearing act.  But I
guess they're out of the picture now, so really doesn't matter anymore.
And I'm sorry that I missed out on so many things with you, just wasn't
fair to you.  But as always you just went along with everything and never
complained about it or anything.  And now I look at you, and I can't
believe that this is the same baby I held in my arms 18 years ago."

       Now I had heard enough. I didn't want to hear anymore apologies
,that's not what I was looking for at all. I pushed his hand off my mouth
and almost in a stern tone said "Dad shut up, I didn't tell you all that
because I wanted an apology from you.  I told you that because I love you
and because it's part of what I remember and what I cherish and what I
don't want to change- what you did was more of a help to me than anything
else. Remember what we said a few days ago, that we were going to share
everything now, we don't hide anything. All you wanted was for me to learn
to be independent, and that's exactly what I did. You said I didn't do
anything wrong fine I believe you, and neither did you, so let's just leave
it there. I made a promise to you earlier, that I wasn't leaving here until
it was with you, and I won't.  Whether you realize it or not, and I'm sure
you do – it's just us now. There is no family left, it's obvious that we
aren't going to see John and Jeremy again, and your parents have passed,
and well that's all we had to begin with.  And I don't care anymore how we
coexist just as long as we do and that's it."  And I just left it there, I
mean you really couldn't fight with that other than agreeing or protesting,
and I didn't think he would do the latter, but lately he's just been a
barrel of surprises so who knows.

      As he sat there and stared at me, I didn't really know what he was
thinking, which was not something I enjoyed.  I desperately wanted to know
what he was thinking and feeling, I still had his hand in mine, trying to
get or feel some sort of emotion like that but couldn't pick up anything.
I was tempted to say something again, but decided against it and for once
would just let him digest what had just been said and not run away like the
little boy who had just done something wrong and didn't want to be caught.
It seemed almost as if time and everything around us had stopped and all
that was happening was a staring contest, like who would blink first.  Haha
it was him, he was the one to break the trance and all he said was. "OK
it's a deal".  While that was in essence a perfect answer, in all honesty
it wasn't the one I was looking for, but such is life, I knew I had to be
prepared for it and to a degree I was.  It was pretty much in place we were
going to go on living as father and son.

      Just as I was coming out of that thought and realization he tightened
his grip around my hand and decided that he was going to throw another
curveball into this situation (as if there weren't enough of those already)
"I'll agree to that scenario, because you are right it is only us now and I
can live with that and apparently so can you.  That said, as grown up as
you are – and yes you are –far past any other 18 year old I've ever
known myself included, I would ask that you be humble enough to at least
consider the few things that I have to say and then we can close the
subject."  I just nodded my head, and thought this should certainly be
interesting, he continues,

      "You are probably-no, you are the strongest minded, self sufficient
person that I know, and often do exactly what you want and how you want
whenever you can, as a result what I have to say may be moot but I'll say
it anyway.  After we finally get out of here, as your father and best
friend I want you to go on living your life exactly how you want to. Let
absolutely nothing stop you in your tracks, and I promise that I will do
the same thing.  Yes I know that point is moot because you will do that
anyway, but the one thing I will add in is, just don't be as stubborn as me
and try and do it all on your own.  Achieving every goal that you want is
fine, but it doesn't mean you can't have anyone along your side to help you
get there. OK?"

      I just sat there a little surprised at the statement, because it
really did leave the door open for so many options and avenues to travel
down, but I as I had said earlier I'm no longer going to pose the issue of
my feelings towards him.  He knows exactly how I feel anything further he's
got to make the move.  So I just agreed and he said "Good. Now, time to
talk about something else."

      I had no idea what more he wanted to discuss now, what else was
there? He went on, "So tell me something, exactly how is it that we have an
income to continue living if I haven't been at work in 4 months?" That one
I had to chuckle about and said to him

      "Well, I have to admit I did a little forgery some time ago, and I,
well really you are renting out your office space, since once you get your
ass out of here you'll be working from home for a bit, and I –well you
hired one of my IT professors from last semester to take over the
consulting for a while, and whatever extra will needed we'll take from what
I would have used for tuition.  So we should be fine until you can take
back over the firm full time."

      He just sat there and looked at me as if I was a freak and had two
heads on, and then he started to cry again.  And I asked him what was
wrong?. He just squeezed my hand even tighter and actually pulled me in
closer to him and said "Michael, you really are the most incredible person.
I can't believe you thought of all of that, thank you so much." Given his
previous rant, I was hoping that he would finish that sentence with an `I
love you' but to no avail, it ended just like that.  Which again, I knew
was reality and I just had to accept it.  I just smiled at him and said
"Well someone had to do it, I mean as ugly as that house is right now, we
do still need somewhere to live.  By the way I thank you for not touching
my room, since your decorating sense is far below par."

      And then in looking at the clock I saw that it was already after
midnight and I just told him to go to sleep, and I'd sink back into the
chair and finish off my marathon sleep and we could both be up on the right
time schedule in the morning, and finally start the rehab that was needed
to get the hell out of there.  He just nodded his head and before closing
his eyes he smiled at me and said "I love you Mikey" and I just smiled back
at him and said "I love you too dad, sweet dreams".  And he just closed his
eyes, and I sat and watched him sleep, just as I have every other night,
and ended up getting drawn back to that one root selfish desire.  Here lies
in front of me the one man that I want to spend the rest of my life with,
and I still don't have a yes or no.


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