Date: Thu, 8 Jan 2009 09:15:05 -0500
From: Blonde Blue eyes <blondeblueeyes@gmail.com>
Subject: True love 8

      Maybe it was futile, maybe he never was going to come around, did the
possibility of him being like this for the rest of time exist, I suppose it
did.  But, no I wasn't going to accept that, he was going to come around, I
had faith.  But, after 9 weeks I was told by the insurance company that if
there was no improvement or change in status by the end of week 10, they
were no longer going to pay for the hospital stay, and in all honesty there
was no way I could afford to do it on my own even with taking a huge loan
from a bank, it was just too expensive.  The realization of that and the
thought of being forced to actually do the extreme was just, I don't know
how to describe it, so painful, that all I could do was just sit there and
hold my head in the one hand that I had free and just kept asking myself
why.  But at that point, I really did need to get some fresh air, I
realized that I hadn't left that room more than to shower or go to the
bathroom or cafeteria in almost 3 weeks.  I finally stood up, squeezed his
hand for the god knows how many times over the past 2 months and just
leaned over to kiss him on the head just like I had every other time I left
the room, but instead gave him a light kiss on the lips.  It was the first
time I had ever done that.  I don't know what possessed me to do it, or why
I had never done it over the all the time we've been there. But I did it,
ran my thumb across his cheek bone, and turned to walk away, I opened my
hand to let his hand from mine, but this time it gripped back.

	My heart skipped a beat and I flew my head around to look at him,
his eyes were still closed, mouth was still shut, and I thought maybe it
was just a false movement or my mind playing tricks on me. So I tried
pulling away again, but his grip tightened again, no there was no question
he gripped back. And all I could do was cry, finally after 9 fucking weeks
there was some movement, and without even thinking I rang the nurse bell.
After what seemed like hours someone finally showed up, and looked at me
and then him, and just said, "Yes?"  And I said watch, and I tried pulling
away again, and just like the 2 times before he gripped back.  I'll never
forget the look on her face, one of shock, and surprise, and she asked "has
he done anything else, moved his eyes, or head or anything?" I said no, but
it's not just a reflex, he's done it 3 times already." She looked again,
and asked what did and I said nothing more than the usual just been holding
his hand.  She nodded and said if anything else happens, call again and
she'll get the doctor, and walked away.  Now I was left to wonder, why now?
Was it from that kiss on the lip?  Or just progress?  I said fuck it, I'll
kiss him again, and it was going to be nothing more than just a peck like
the first time, but for whatever reason it wasn't just a peck I left my
lips on his, for a little longer, and then just ran my tounge across his
lip and pulled back.  And I thought to myself my god, that was something
I've wanted to do for such a long time, and I took advantage and did it
without him knowing, selfish, and rude, but at that point I didn't care.
But as I was lost in thought, I felt his hand grip again, and without my
encouragement either.

	I looked back down at him, and then saw and heard the most
incredible thing, he mumbled something, inaudible, but it was a noise that
came from him.  It was at that moment that I actually smiled for the first
time in months.  I could give to shits what he was trying to say, but the
fact that he said it, was all I needed, I got my glimmer of hope, my prayer
was answered, maybe he's going to come around for real, I looked back at
him squeezed his hand back as tight as I could looked directly in his face
and kept calling to him asked him if he could hear me, I got no response,
from his hand or his mouth, oh but I didn't care, it was that initial one,
that one sign that it was not time to give up, there was still a man
fighting inside, and I'd be damned if anyone was going to stop me from
helping that fight.  I just continued to talk to him and squeeze that hand.
The response from his hands were less frequent, and he didn't make another
sound, but hell there was change, there was improvement, and at that point
that was all that mattered.

	And then after all that I started to wonder, was it a fluke? Or
just by chance that it happened? I mean in thinking about it, it was almost
a fairy-tail like thing, I kiss him and my prince wakes up.  It was almost
too perfect. And truthfully, after all these years I've learned that
nothing is ever that perfect and real life doesn't work that way.  However
admittedly he did make movement, there was no question there, it was just a
matter of what caused it, and how to make it happen again. So I ran through
my mind what to do, do I keep pulling on his hand, yes most
definitely. Continue talking to him, certainly been doing it for the last
month no reason to stop it now. The big question was, do I try kissing him
on the lips again, I was tentative about that, because it was almost
tainting things -- but even on a limp body as before the feeling of his
lips was the most incredible feeling that I had ever had, and God only
knows that I may never get that chance again.

      So I decided yes I will but NOTHING more than just a peck.  The
question was, in what order to do these things.  (I know this sounds
insane, but my brain has always worked in a scientific manner, everything
needs to be dissected, examined, and questioned before anything else can
continue. OCD probably, but it's who I was then and still am today.)  But I
decided that I was going to kiss him first and get rid of or confirm that
suspicion.  So, again, holding his hand, I leaned over the side of the bed
and looked at his closed eyes, and kissed him on the kips -- I made
contact for no longer than 10 seconds, which really seemed like an eternity
but that was it.  And I pulled away, and waited for any sort of response.
Nothing, not a squeeze, not a sound. Just silence.  And in a way, why I'm
not sure, but I was some-what relieved that there was no response to that.
I guess in a way it made me feel better that the movement was on his own,
that there was brain function and action.  So that said, I went on talking
to him, and squeezing his hand, but again got nothing.  Maybe it really was
a fluke, and just `happened'.  I did not know but, one thing I did know,
was that now I really did need that breath of fresh air.

	As I went to walk away, I whispered into his ear, that I was just
going outside and I'd be back in a few minutes, and `I love you daddy.'
And I let of his hand, again with no resistance from him, but this time
instead of placing it on the bed by his side, I decided that I was going to
place it over his heart.  It was still beating, maybe with the aid of a
machine, but it was still going, and if there was anything he'd be able to
feel it was the vibration of the beat of his heart.  So I placed it there,
walked away from the bed, and turned to look at him again, and just like
every other time, I saw the most beautiful creature lying on a bed in front
of me, and I was damned if I was going to let anyone or anything take him
away from me.  As I walked out of the room and over to the nursing station,
I told her that I was going out for a walk and to just watch him on the
camera in the room, and to come out and get me if anything happened.  She
agreed (however, in terms of her running out, would it happen I highly
doubt it, but hey you never know.

       As I walked away from the nursing station and down the steps, and
opened the door to the outside world which I pretty much have not seen in
the past 9 weeks, I have to say the air was much different, and the
sensations were almost new, but in standing there, I realized a few things,
one, all that just happened is on recorded video, so there was proof to
show the insurance company that they had to continue paying -- at least
for longer than they said.  And also, of course my mind went the opposite
way of what had just happened.  What if it really was a fluke and he never
does come around? How much longer can I really do this?  I mean I was
tired, exhausted, I slept maybe a few hours each night at most, and I
really had abandoned my entire life because of this. Granted there wasn't
much to really `abandon' per say, I mean I had made a few friends over the
semester in school and my `sort-of' boy-friend came to visit me a few
times, but he too moved on, which I guess I can understand, there was
really no reason for him to sit here every day like me, and certainly not
fair to him to wait around for me since at this point I certainly wasn't
going anywhere.  I had actually tried contacting my brother's a number of
times over the past few weeks, but the last addresses and phone numbers
that I had for them were both useless, the phones had been disconnected,
and the addresses, both had different people living at them.  So I gave up
on wasting my energy to find them, it was obvious they did not want to be
found, at least by me or my father. And really passed that, there was no
one else.  That was it for our family, and funny thing is, at a time this
was exactly what I wanted. Just me and dad, just not in this scenario, but
I guess that old saying is true, `be careful what you ask for, you may just
get it.'  But, yep this was it there was no one but us.  And again, the
funny thing about it, I don't really think I was that bothered by it --
it was lonely at times, but it was just us and our time.

      So after leaving my world of contemplation I decided to go back
inside, and see what I found.  I chose not to stop at the nursing station,
really feeling no need to at that point, and as I walked back into the
room, there he was laying in the bed, eyes still closed, mouth pursed shut,
but the one difference, his arm was back at his side.  And yes that could
have happened 2 ways, it either just slid down, or he himself moved it
back.  I went over to the bed, to look closer, and again my own heart
skipped a beat, his hand was clenched in a fist, I know I didn't put it
that way on his chest when I left, his hand was flat out over his heart.
If there was any proof that was needed that there was brain action, and
self movement, this was it.  I took his fist and cupped in between both of
mine and leaned over to his ear and said "Dad can you hear me?"  There was
no response.  I held his fist tighter and asked him again, can you hear me?
Nothing, I figured, at least he moved his hand before, I wasn't here to see
it but he did it.  And just as I went to sit back down in the chair, he
tried to pull his fist out of my hand, I heard nothing, but he definitely
tried pulling it from me. I looked up at the bed, and to him, and just
burst into tears.

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