Date: Sun, 25 Apr 2004 20:08:15 -0700 (PDT)
From: Mickey S <njmcmick@yahoo.com>
Subject: Billy and Danny 2, Chapter 13

This is a story of love between two young men. If you are under age, or
live in an area where reading stories that include sex between males is
illegal, or if you're not into this type of story, please leave. The story
began in 1969. While the characters and their story are completely
fictional, it is set at places that are real and is told against a backdrop
of some real events. This was a time when all sex was safe. It isn't now,
so please respect yourself and others enough to always play safe.

I would like to thank all of those who have written to me with comments,
suggestions and encouragement, especially my fellow writers in the Nifty
Six. The author retains all rights.  No reproductions are allowed without
the author's consent. Comments are appreciated at NJMcMick@yahoo.com.

September 1971

Billy

Sometimes I think getting involved in this new gay group may be a little
more work than we can handle but Danny is really into it so I guess it's
probably okay. Joanne lined up a room at the Unitarian Church in Summit
near where she lives and we've all been trying to spread the word about the
meetings that are going to start this month. We've all told our friends and
posted notices on local college campuses but they seem to get torn down as
soon as we put them up. Frankie and Eddie are trying to get local
newspapers to run something about it but we're not holding our breath.

And all this while we're trying to get into a new school year. Junior
year. With majors in English and history we both have tons of reading to
do. And we're still working Friday and Saturday nights and Sunday brunch at
The Restaurant. Steve and Jason didn't come back after the summer so we've
got a couple of new guys waiting tables. The rest of the staff is pretty
much the same, including Joe and the guys in the kitchen, so there's some
continuity there.

And we're still doing the poker game although we stopped with the sexy
little costumes long ago. Now that we're nearly twenty and the guys are our
friends we're not just sexy entertainment anymore. They've offered to deal
us into the game but we both enjoy just hanging out and serving
refreshments more than playing cards. They've spread the word about our new
group to their friends but told us not to expect much. They say that guys
in their generation aren't very out and are definitely not into social or
political activism.

"Tim and I really admire you for what you're doing. It takes balls and
there's definitely a need for a place for gay people to meet. More public
visibility can only help make things better but if you boys are going to be
teachers you should try to stay in the background."

"What has that got to do with anything, Evan?"

"Teachers can't be out, Danny. You either won't get hired or you'll lose
your job if a school board finds out you're gay."

"Why should that matter? Are they afraid we're gonna molest the kids?"

"Maybe some people are but that's not the real reason. I think they're
afraid to give kids a positive gay role model. They think that teachers
have a lot of influence over kids."

"That's bullshit, Evan. We're gonna teach English and U.S. History, not
sexuality."

"Hey, you don't have to convince me, Billy. I'm just telling you the way
things are. I've been teaching for twenty years so I know what it's
like. Be careful how out you are."

The biggest change in this school year is due to one course I'm taking. I
read in the school paper last Spring that Rutgers-Newark was offering a
course this fall on the effect of black literature on social
change. Nothing like that is offered on our campus so I was able to
cross-register to take it but the classes are on Monday and Wednesday
evenings so two nights a week Danny and I are apart.

That's one reason this new group is good for Danny. The only night the
church had a room available for us was Wednesday. So at least one of the
nights I'm in class Danny has something to do that he's really
into. Unfortunately, it means that I can't even go to a meeting of the
group until the holidays, but then I'm not much into that kind of thing
anyway. As long as Danny's happy, I'm happy.

Danny

I'm not crazy about Billy taking the train down to Newark by himself two
nights a week but I keep reminding myself that he grew up in Newark. He
knows his way around the city and can take care of himself. Besides, the
campus is only a few blocks from the train station. I do miss being with
him though. I know it's silly; we're together the rest of the week but I
really count on him being there all the time.

I am having a blast with the gay group we're starting though. Billy can't
go to the meetings but he helps out with other things during the week. At
the first meeting six people, four guys and two women (I keep calling them
girls and they keep correcting me) other than Frankie, Joanne, Eddie and me
showed up. We decided to call ourselves the North Jersey Gay Alliance
(yeah, pretty pretentious for ten gay kids) and the others talked me into
being the president. None of them are out and one of the newspapers Eddie
contacted sent a reporter who wanted to interview someone so it was pretty
much up to me. We didn't do much at the meeting except talk and get to know
one another a little but by the time I got home I was still bubbling over
with enthusiasm. I had been half afraid no one would show up and the first
meeting would be the last. As I drove up to the house I saw Billy walking
from the direction of the train station.

"Hey, Billy, you're usually home by now. Why so late?"

"A few of us went out for coffee after class. How'd the meeting go?"

"Fantastic! Ten people! And they elected me president."

"President? You know what Evan said, Danny. Being president isn't exactly
keeping a low profile."

"I know, Billy, but nobody else would do it. Besides, it's not a very
public position."

"Yeah, I guess you're right. It's not like you're gonna be in the paper or
anything."

"Well, actually..."

Mark

This year, our last in Boston, looked to be a good one for Peter and me
when we came back to school. We really seem like a couple, not just to the
people at the Harvard group or in the bars we sometimes go to, but to each
other, when we're alone. There has always been something I couldn't put my
finger on about Peter that attracted me to him. And there's something so
special about the way he really focuses on me and gets into me when we're
together. There's a connection there that's hard to explain.

I had to assume we were still not monogamous, though. We don't talk about
it, ever. I just don't want to hear if or what he's doing with someone
else. At least I know he can't possibly be having a relationship with
another guy. Law school is very demanding and takes up a lot of time and
I'm with him a lot of the rest of the week. I know he's got time to go out
for the occasional night on the town and possibly have a trick but that's
about it. I'd prefer to think he doesn't have anyone else he sees. Maybe he
doesn't.

And he has helped me get my life on track. I majored in political science
because I was interested in the subject but I didn't know what I was going
to do with my degree once I graduated. Peter has convinced me to go to law
school. I was leaning toward going on for a masters in public
administration but Peter pointed out that there are so many things I could
do with a law degree. He may be just a bit prejudiced but he still made
sense.

So I'm signed up for the LSAT's and I'm getting applications to several law
schools in the New York area. It's close to home and my friends but it's
also where Peter is going to be. He wants a law career in New York so I may
as well go to school there. We've even talked about getting an apartment
together. In his first year out of law school he'll be making decent money
though maybe not enough to live on his own and I have to live somewhere
while I'm in school so it would make sense. And if we live together there's
hope for our relationship becoming more exclusive. At least he'd be coming
home to me every night.

Billy

It's funny, you'd think that me being a black kid from the ghetto I'd be
more into social activism and Danny being a white kid from the suburbs he
would find the world okay the way it is but we're actually just the
opposite. I think his naiveté and innocence let him believe the world is a
wonderful place and every time he's confronted with evidence that it isn't
he just naturally fights against it. He wants everything to be perfect and
believes it can be. Growing up on tough city streets I saw the worst the
world had to offer and became bitter and cynical at an early age. I never
believed the world at large had that much good in it so I never thought of
fighting for it, only struggling to make my own little piece of it a better
place. Danny's become a bit more of a realist over the last couple of years
but he's still got his idealistic enthusiasm. It shows whenever he talks
about the Alliance. The others all see it as a place to hang out and make
friends. Danny sees it as a way to change the world. And his rosy view of
the world has rubbed off on me a bit, I guess. Maybe it's just living with
him that has made me realize how good life can be. Anyway, I'm not quite
the cynic I was, though I'm still more concerned with making my life better
than with improving the world.

Even so, I've been really enjoying this night class in Newark. I see how
writing can change people one at a time and inspire them to change
society. And there's something so good about being with other black kids in
a class like this in the place where I grew up. I know Danny worries that
being with him is taking me away from 'my people' and I always assure him
that he's not, but I'd almost forgotten how good it feels to be with my
brothers and sisters.

A few of the kids in the class started going for coffee after class on
Wednesdays and discussing the class and life in general. It was the kind of
thing I hadn't experienced since the bull sessions in the dorm at the
beginning of freshman year and even then I didn't fit in very well, but
here I really got into it. Plus, Danny had his Alliance meeting so he was
busy until late.

As luck would have it, though, our anniversary fell on a Monday and I had
class. We had decided to celebrate with a dinner out on Tuesday but I was
still hoping for a little 'celebration' at home after class.  On Mondays I
was usually home around 8:30 but of course this was the one Monday the guys
decided to go for coffee. I tried to get out of it but they were insistent.

"What do you have to rush home for? It's early." James was a party guy who
apparently never slept.

"Yeah, but I have to get up early for school in the morning." They knew I
had a roommate but I hadn't told them that I was gay or what my situation
was so I couldn't really explain.

"You don't have a problem staying out Wednesday nights. C'mon, you don't
need that much sleep."

"Okay, but hang on while I call my roommate."

"You're a big boy, William. You don't need to check in with a roommate if
you're gonna be out a little late. Let's go." Sharon had a way of making
everyone feel like they ought to be doing what she wanted.

There wasn't anything I could say that they would understand and besides,
Danny and I hadn't made any plans, so I went with them to the coffee
shop. It didn't seem like we hung around very long but it was after 10:30
when I got home. I knew as soon as I opened the door that I'd made a
mistake staying out.

Danny was curled up on the couch watching TV and the whole apartment
smelled of food.

"Where have you been? You're hours late. I thought something happened to
you."

"I went for coffee with the guys. It smells like you've been
cooking. What's up?"

"You should have called. I made dinner for our anniversary. Aunt Connie
helped me. I wanted to surprise you. I was worried when you didn't come
home on time. Now I'm just pissed."

"I'm sorry, Dan. We didn't have any plans. I didn't think it was a big
deal."

"But it's our anniversary. Even if we weren't gonna do anything special you
should have wanted to be with me."

"I do want to be with you. I just couldn't think fast enough to come up
with an excuse for the guys. They don't know I'm gay so I couldn't explain
to them."

"So who do they think I am? Or haven't you even mentioned me to them?"

"They know I've got a roommate, that's all. Being gay just hasn't come up."
Actually, the kids had made a few pretty homophobic comments about James
Baldwin and Bayard Rustin so I kept my mouth shut on the subject.

"And you'd rather be with them on our day?"

"Don't be like that, Danny. You know I'd always rather be with you, no
matter what day it is. I know it's late but do you want to eat now? We can
stay up a while."

"The food got ruined. I tried to keep it warm but after a while it just got
overcooked so I threw it out."

"I'm sorry, Danny. I really didn't mean to stay out so late. We'll have a
nice celebration tomorrow, I promise."

"Yeah, tomorrow. I think I'm gonna go to bed now. You can probably find
something to snack on if you're hungry."

"No, I'm not really that hungry. I'll go to bed with you."

"If you want."

We got undressed in silence and got into bed. I tried to hold Danny tight
against me but he pulled away and moved over to the edge of the mattress. I
knew he must be really upset. Even when he was annoyed with something I'd
done or had something on his mind and wasn't in the mood for sex (a rare
occurrence) he still liked to cuddle. Fuck! I really didn't think. Any
other day it wouldn't have been so bad but I really screwed up this time.

Danny was still in a bad mood in the morning. He moped all day at school
and didn't talk much. It was nearly as bad when we went out to dinner to
'celebrate' that night. It's not like he was sulking or anything but he
just wasn't his usual cute happy self. And when we went to bed it was the
same thing again. A quick 'good night', a peck on the cheek and then he
moved over to his side of the bed. I heard his rhythmic breathing
indicating he was asleep as I lay on my back staring at the ceiling,
wondering how I could fix this.

Danny

Our two evenings apart each week weren't turning out to be so bad after
all. Mondays Billy was home by 8:30. Wednesdays he was later but I had the
Alliance so that worked out fine. Except some of the new people I met at
the meetings started teasing me, referring to Billy as my 'imaginary lover'
since I always talked about him but they had never met him. Even with
Frankie, Joanne and Eddie backing me up that he was real the kidding kept
up.

Billy and I had decided to delay our anniversary celebration a day so we
could spend an entire evening together but I realized that gave me a chance
to surprise him. Neither of us is very good in the kitchen but I think he's
little better at cooking than I am. So I thought it would really surprise
him to have a nice dinner waiting for him when he got home from class. I
talked it over with Aunt Connie and she gave me her recipe for pot roast
and showed me how to use her pressure cooker. I wasn't very good at timing
everything so the food was done nearly half an hour before Billy was due. I
put everything in the oven on low to keep it warm. When Billy didn't show
up at 8:30 I figured he had missed the train and would catch the next one a
half hour later. When he still wasn't home by 9:30 I didn't know whether to
be worried or pissed. The later it got the more worry won out.

Around ten I checked on the food and found that it was a mess. The meat was
dried out and the potatoes and vegetables had turned into mush. I gave up
and threw it all in the garbage, then laid down on the couch. I turned on
the TV to distract me but it didn't help. I kept picturing Billy lying dead
on the street in Newark. When I heard him at the door the worry evaporated
and was quickly replaced by anger. He didn't help matters any by making
light of it. Here I'd been a nervous wreck all evening and he'd been
hanging out with his friends having a good time. He apologized but his
attitude indicated that he really didn't think it was a big deal. I was so
relieved he was all right but was really pissed that he had put me through
such a tense evening and had messed up our anniversary. But I didn't want
to fight about it so I just went to bed and kept to myself.

Tuesday when I woke up it was still on my mind. I wasn't mad at him, just
mad in general. I tried to be civil on the ride to school but ended up
being more quiet than anything else. I just couldn't figure out what was
bothering me so much. Yeah, he'd been a little inconsiderate and had
worried me for a couple of hours and I'd ruined a meal because of it, but
it really wasn't that important. And he did apologize, a couple of
times. So what was my problem?

I decided to cut a class and go over to Douglass to see Lucy. I had to talk
to someone and Billy obviously wasn't the one.

"Maybe there's something about Billy taking this course that's bothering
you, Danny."

"I don't know. I like him taking courses like this that are important to
him. And I think it's important that he spends time with other black kids."

"That's on a conscious level. But maybe subconsciously you're bothered that
he's doing something that you don't fit into."

"Well, I do miss being with him all the time, but I'm spending lots of time
with the Alliance and he's not bothered by that."

"That's different, Danny. He would fit right in with the people at the
Alliance. The only reason he's not part of it is scheduling. But you could
never fit into the little coffee group after his class. It's a part of him
that you can't really share."

"I hadn't thought of it that way, Lucy, but I still think it's a good thing
for him to be a part of that, as long as I fit into the rest of his life."

"You know you do, Danny. You are his life."

"I know, Lucy, but last night, just for a minute, I felt almost like I
wasn't important to him, like he forgot about me for a couple of hours. It
was our anniversary and he's always been the romantic one, the one who
keeps track of dates and makes special plans. And last night it just didn't
seem to matter to him."

"I'm sure it did matter, Danny. You can't think all of these terrible
things because for a little while he was human and got distracted. He loves
you."

I was still out of it the rest of the day, thinking about what Lucy had
said about me not being able to share every part of Billy's life. Maybe it
was wrong of me to want to but I did. I wasn't mad at him, just confused
about what I was feeling. Our dinner out wasn't exactly a celebration. Even
if I weren't in a strange mood I think that our little spat the night
before took the romance out of the occasion.

Wednesday was more of the same bad mood. I think I was beginning to feel
sorry for myself for some reason. And I was beginning to get annoyed with
myself for being so insecure and needy. After our afternoon classes we
parted at the train station as usual. Billy took the train to Newark and I
drove home to get ready for the Alliance. By then I was starting to think
that maybe the problem was that things between us were becoming so routine
that he might be taking our relationship for granted. Maybe he was
bored. Maybe it was all of these things. Maybe it was something else
entirely. Maybe I was going crazy.

I wasn't feeling any better when I got to the Unitarian Church but decided
to try to act as normal as possible in front of the others. I walked into
the meeting room and immediately noticed a vase with tons of red roses on
the table in front of Joanne. Everyone was gathered around sniffing and
admiring them. Joanne got up as I walked over and handed me a little
envelope.

"They're for you. Here's the card."

I was stunned. The only time anyone had ever sent me flowers was when I was
in the hospital. I fumbled with the envelope and read the card.

'Danny, you are everything to me and always will be. Please don't ever stop
loving me. Billy.'

One of the guys looked up from the roses. "Looks like this imaginary lover
of yours just might be real."

I looked from the card to the roses and smiled. "Yeah, he just might."


October 1971

Lucy

I'm really trying to throw myself into this last year of school. I'm doing
all kinds of special projects and am spending a lot of time with the girls
in the dorm. The boys make a special effort to be with me when I'm home and
they're not working and I'm even seeing more of them at school this year
than last. I get together with Billy on campus a lot because he has more
free time during the day now that he's taking that night course in Newark.

Of course, none of this makes me miss Brad any less. I think about him all
the time. It's stupid. Last year I was here and he was up in Ithaca and we
didn't see each other for weeks at a time and our only contact was
letters. This fall he's stationed in California and again we're writing
like crazy so it shouldn't be any different. But it is.

I've begun working on a photo project that has been in the back of my mind
for a couple of years, ever since Billy and Danny first modeled for me on
Moratorium Day. I have so many pictures I took that day. I've been trying
to categorize them. Some are close-ups, just dark skin on light skin,
different shapes and sizes. That is really what I was looking for that day,
a study in contrasting unidentifiable body parts, art more than portraiture
and a bit abstract. And I've got lots of shots like that. Then there are
pictures of the two of them, full body shots or close to it, in every
position humanly possible and some that don't look quite possible. Just two
beautiful young nudes, nearly identical except for their color. Definitely
art as well, beautiful photos of beautiful subjects.

And then there are the rest that I can only call erotic art. A few of them
because of suggestive poses but most because of the look I captured in the
boys' eyes. Their love for each other, their lust for each other is so
evident in the way they look into each other's eyes. It is such an intense,
intimate, primitive yet loving look that even though I was the one who took
the pictures as I look at each one now I expect the next shot to be one of
them making love. I feel, as I look at each one, that I've intruded on
something very, very private, very, very personal. I have got to find a way
to put these photos together into an exhibit of some kind. Yeah, they're
erotic, damn are they erotic. But they are also art and I don't think
anyone could look at them and not be moved. And isn't that what good art is
supposed to do?

Mark

The semester was going good. Peter and I fell into a routine. Monday
evenings I'd hang out at his apartment. His roommate had a class so we had
the place to ourselves. Wednesdays we'd meet at Harvard for the gay group
then have coffee afterward. And we'd usually spend the day and night
together on Saturday. That gave us lots of sex on Monday and Saturday and a
nice evening hanging out with some of the Harvard guys on Wednesday.

Friday night I got a call from Tom, a senior at Harvard.

"Ken and I are going out tonight and wondered if you and Peter wanted to
come with us. We're gonna do some slumming and check out some sleazy bars."

"Sounds like fun but Peter has his study group tonight."

"Studying on Friday?"

"Yeah, he says it's the only night they can all make it. But how about if I
join you? I just finished a paper and could use a little relaxation."

We made arrangements for me to meet them at a bar near downtown at
11:00. The neighborhood was really seedy and seemed to be nothing but porn
shops and go-go bars with hookers and hustlers on most corners. Thank God
Tom and Ken were already there when I walked in. Ken bought me a drink and
we stood around and talked for a while.

"Peter's taken me to lots of bars in town but I don't think we've ever been
in this neighborhood."

"I'm surprised. Everyone comes here, sooner or later. "

"Why, Ken? This place is a real dive. What's the big attraction?"

"You'll see. Grab another drink and follow us. Tom and I have a hot time
whenever we come here."

I got a refill and followed them to the back of the crowded room. We went
through a doorway, turned right down a short dark hall and then through
another door into a large fairly dark room. The light was very dim and it
took a minute for my eyes to adjust. Even then I could just make out
outlines and silhouettes of guys all around the room. It didn't take me
more than a few seconds to realize this was one of those back rooms I had
heard about and there were guys having sex all around us.

I looked around. It sort of reminded me of the orgy room at the baths but
it was a little darker and the guys had most of their clothes on. Some guys
were fondling each other and making out. Some guys just had their pants
open while another guy squatted in front of them and sucked their
cock. Some others were just stroking each other. Here and there I saw a guy
with his pants around his ankles, bent forward slightly, getting his ass
fucked. Ken wandered off toward the back of the room but Tom stayed next to
me. I noticed a little group off to the right side. One guy was bent over,
his hands on his knees, getting fucked from behind. Another guy was
standing in front of him blocking his head from view but it was obvious
that guy was being sucked. Even though they were mostly shadows it was hot
watching someone sandwiched in between two guys, getting stuffed with dick
at both ends. I felt my rapidly hardening cock pressing against my
jeans. Tom was watching the same guys. I think half the guys in the room
were, actually.

"That guy sure is working on getting his daily allotment of protein," Tom
whispered.

"Yeah, I've never seen a guy getting fucked at both ends before. It's
really hot to watch."

Just then the guy in front stopped thrusting his hips toward the other
guy's head and froze for a few seconds. Then he made motions like he was
fastening his pants and turned away. Just as he turned, Tom lit a
cigarette. For a few brief seconds the flame lit up our end of the
room. The guy who was still bent over getting fucked looked over toward the
flame and my eyes locked with his ice blue eyes. Fuck!

In a flash it was dark again and I turned and stumbled out of the room
toward the bar. Tom was right behind me.

"Mark, stop. Maybe it wasn't him. We only had a quick glimpse."

"Yeah, right. You recognized him as well as I did. I've got to get out of
here."

""Are you sure you're all right?"

"No, but I need some air. I've got to go."

I pushed my way through the crowd and out the door. I rushed up the block,
finally stopping to lean against a building near the corner, trying to
catch my breath. I felt like I'd been kicked in the gut. Damn! Why did I
have to go there? Why did he have to be there? I should have known
something like this would happen sooner or later. Boston's isn't a very big
city and the gay community is even smaller.

Then I heard his voice calling, "Mark!"

I turned and hurried around the corner, heading up toward Boylston, hoping
to find a bus back to school.

"Mark, wait!"

I started to run. Tears were running down my face and I was stumbling. I
didn't want to see him, didn't want him to see how much he'd hurt me. I'd
almost reached the next corner when I felt a hand grab my shoulder.

"Stop, Mark. Please don't run away from me."

Peter turned me around and I collapsed in his arms, sobbing like a baby. He
just held me and tried to soothe me but I couldn't seem to get myself under
control. Finally I calmed down.

 "I'm sorry, Mark."

"Sorry you did it or sorry I saw you?"

"I'm sorry you're hurt. You've got to know how much you mean to me. I don't
want to hurt you. Why can't you see that this doesn't mean anything? It's
just some fun. It doesn't have anything to do with the way I feel about
you."

"How can it not have anything to do with me? Everything you do affects me."

"I've never lied to you and tried to pretend to be anything I'm not,
Mark. I hate to see you like this. You're not just the most important guy
in my life; you're the only guy in my life. The rest is just casual sex, a
moment's pleasure, that's all."

"If it doesn't mean anything then don't do it, Peter. Just stop. Be with
me."

"We've been all though this, over and over, Mark. Can't you just enjoy what
we've got?"

"I wish I could but I'm not sure just what it is we've got. I need some
time to think about it."

When I got back to the dorm I went right to bed but didn't fall asleep. I
just lay there thinking. Why couldn't Peter want me the way I wanted him?
Why wasn't I enough for him? What should I do? I knew what I should do; I
should walk away, leave him. That would end the hurt but it would end the
joy, too. And I knew what I would do. Keep going on the same way, hoping
for the best, afraid of the worst. But I knew I had no real choice. I
realized that I'd fallen in love with him.