Date: Tue, 16 Nov 2004 17:21:44 -0800 (PST)
From: Mickey S <njmcmick@yahoo.com>
Subject: Billy and Danny, 2, Chapter 34

This is a story of love between two young men. If you are under age, or
live in an area where reading stories that include sex between males is
illegal, or if you're not into this type of story, please leave. The story
began in 1969. While the characters and their story are completely
fictional, it is set at places that are real and is told against a backdrop
of some real events. This was a time when all sex was safe. It isn't now,
so please respect yourself and others enough to always play safe.

I would like to thank all of those who have written to me with comments,
suggestions and encouragement, especially my fellow writers in the Nifty
Six. The author retains all rights.  No reproductions are allowed without
the author's consent. Comments are appreciated at NJMcMick@yahoo.com.


January 1975

Charles

I knew how much everyone loved Brad but even so I was prepared not to like
him much. After all, not only was he white, but he was straight and he was
ten years older than me so I really didn't think I was going to be able to
relate to him at all. He was over at the house all the time though and I
found that he was really easy to be around. He went out of his way to get
to know me. Now and then he got kind of quiet and withdrawn but the guys
said that was to be expected after what he'd been through in Nam.

The biggest change was in Lucy, though. She'd always been so warm and
laidback and took such good care of everyone. It was like she was
everyone's big sister. But once Brad was back, she was a 'woman in love'.
It was just amazing how alive and sexy she was all the time. I'd thought of
her as a mother and sister but she had become a hot woman. It was so
obvious to me how much she and Brad belonged together. I loved seeing her
so happy, but at the same time it again reminded me that I didn't have
anyone. At least Mark was single, too, so I wasn't the only one, although
Mark had had a couple of boyfriends and I was still dreaming about my
first.

One day I came home from school and Brad was alone in the house
baby-sitting Tyler and Jason.

"Lucy had to run out to the store so I decided to spend some time getting
to know these little guys. They're so loveable."

"I know what you mean. I was around a few babies in my foster homes but I
never felt about them the way I feel about these two. It's like they really
are my little brothers, not just someone else's kids."

"It's going to be tough when Lucy moves out of here."

"Moves out? What do you mean?"

"Well, we haven't set a date but we are going to be getting married,
probably in the fall. As big as it is, there really isn't room for all of
us to live in this house. We've been talking it over with Billy and
Danny. Lucy and I are going to try to find a place of our own in the
neighborhood. She will still take care of the boys during the day, but
they'll live here with their fathers."

"I hadn't really thought about all of that. It makes sense, I guess, but
I'm gonna miss Lucy. So are the babies."

"She'll still be around every day. Everyone will get used to the new
arrangements in no time."

"I guess you're right. We see Mark and Aunt Connie all the time and they
don't live here."

"Besides, Charles, that's still months away. By then you'll be sick of me
hanging around here so much and will be glad to see Lucy move out with me."

"I doubt it, Brad. I really like you. I wasn't sure I would but I can see
why everyone loves you so much."

"Thank, buddy. You're a pretty nice addition to our family, too."

Mark

It was lucky I had few weeks off from school before starting my last
semester. There was no way I could concentrate on school with Brad home. It
was hard enough to go to work at The Restaurant. Of course, I couldn't
spend all the time I wanted with Brad. Lucy had first dibs on him. It was
still so great though. Although most of the time when I saw him it was with
the whole gang, a couple of times a week he came up to my apartment and
just hung out with me.

"It's so weird seeing you living in this place, Mark. I keep thinking about
that day we found you on the bathroom floor. Doesn't that ever bother you?"

"Only every time I have to go to the bathroom. Seriously, though, it did
bother me in the beginning. The first thing I did when I moved in here was
paint that room and get a new rug, window blinds and shower curtain,
anything to make it look like a different room. It's not so bad
now. Besides, my life has changed so much since then."

"Yeah, so you've told me. I want to kill Peter every time I think of what
you went through with him. He's lucky I wasn't around."

"It wasn't all his fault, Brad. I let things happen that I shouldn't
have. But it's all over now and I think I'm back on track."

I hadn't intended to tell Brad everything about what I'd done with
Peter. It was bad enough that Billy and Danny knew but one night about a
week after he got home Brad was over and we were talking and it had all
come out, including that last night at the baths. Brad had been furious
with Peter but also upset with me that I had allowed myself to fall apart
so badly. He'd given me a lecture and I'd cried and then he'd held me until
I felt better. And then it was over. I was afraid he'd think less of me
after that but we just put it behind us.

"So have you called Joe yet, Mark?"

"No, not yet. I want to ask him out, but I don't want to rush things."

"Stop putting it off, Mark. You might lose him again. You know you still
love him and you think he may still love you. I want you to call him right
now. Come down to the guys' house after you've talked to him."

Brad got up, hugged me and went downstairs. I sat and looked at the phone a
minute. I did love Joe. I suppose I always had. He was sweet, loving and
I'd always loved being with him. We were never uncomfortable around each
other. Plus, he had that hot little body. It wasn't that I didn't want to
start seeing him. I did. It's just that I was so afraid if for some reason
it didn't work out. I wasn't sure I could handle that.

I finally picked up the telephone and called. He sounded happy to hear from
me and readily agreed to meet me at Julius' after work Friday night.

I was nervous all evening at The Restaurant but relaxed as soon as I walked
in the back door of Julius' and saw him standing at the jukebox. He greeted
me with a warm hug. We got a couple of beers and found a place to sit in
the back.

"So what did you want to talk about, Mark?"

"Us, basically, Joe. You know we both have strong feelings for each other
and for once we're both single at the same time. I was wondering if we
could start over again, this time with the hope of something more
permanent."

He was quiet for a minute and seemed to be studying his beer. I was
beginning to think that maybe I'd misread his feelings, that maybe he just
considered me an old friend.

"I think I'd like that a lot, Mark. There was something about us that just
clicked, right from the start. I know it's not right comparing guys, but I
haven't felt that with any guy I've gone out with since then. Let's give it
a try."

"How about you come out to Morristown tomorrow night and I make us dinner?
I'm not much of a cook but I don't think I'll poison you."

"How about I come home with you tonight and you can make me breakfast in
the morning, stud?"

"Now why didn't I think of that?"

February 1975

Danny

One evening Billy was alone in the kitchen cleaning up the supper
dishes. Lucy had gone to Brad's parents' for dinner and probably wouldn't
be home until late. I was in the living room helping Charles with his
algebra homework and keeping an eye on Tyler. The phone rang and I heard
Billy pick it up. After a while he came into the living room looking very
shaken.

"Who was on the phone, Billy?"

"It was Gram."

"Gram? Calling on a weeknight? She usually waits until Sunday when the long
distance rates are cheaper. Is something wrong?"

"Yeah, there is, but she wasn't calling long distance. She's here in New
Jersey, visiting Mama."

"Wow, this is the first time she's ever come up here. What's up?"

"It's Pop. He's had a massive stroke and is in East Orange General
Hospital. They don't expect him to make it."

I had no idea what to say. Billy hadn't mentioned either of his parents in
so long, not even when I was thinking about trying to get in touch with
mine. I knew his feelings of hostility toward both of them were strong and
went way beyond their not accepting him as gay but I also knew that a part
of him still loved them on some level. After all, they were his parents.

"What did Gram say about it, Billy?"

"Apparently he had a smaller stroke last summer that left him slightly
paralyzed on one side. He had to retire on disability. This one was a lot
worse. Gram took a bus up a couple of days ago to be with Mama." Billy
hesitated a few seconds. "Gram thinks I should go see him."

I got up and walked over to Billy and hugged him. He was trembling and held
onto me tightly.

"What do you think, Billy?"

"I really don't want to go, Danny. You know I've always said I never wanted
to see him again and I've meant it."

"I don't blame you, Billy. From what you told me about what he did to you
he's a nasty evil man. I don't feel sorry for him at all." I'd almost
forgotten that Charles was in the room.

"Charles, I know you mean well but why don't you go upstairs for a while? I
think Billy and I need to talk a bit in private."

"Sure, Danny. You want me to take Ty up with me?"

"No, that's okay. We'll watch him. But look in on Jase when you pass the
nursery, okay?"

Charles gathered his books and took them upstairs. I got a brandy for each
of us and we settled on the loveseat in the sunroom, with Billy sitting
between my legs leaning back against my chest.

"Gram says I should try to forgive him. She says it's not good carrying all
this hate inside me. I know she's right about that but I can't imagine
forgiving him."

"Maybe you should at least try even if you don't succeed. Maybe you'll feel
better for trying."

"That's pretty much what Gram said. She pointed out that I might never have
another chance to forgive him so I shouldn't let it go by. Years from now
when it's too late to do anything I may regret not going now."

"That makes sense, Billy. I think maybe you should go."

"I'm scared, Danny. You have no idea how much that man still terrifies me."

"I have a pretty good idea, Billy. I remember the nightmares and I was
there that day after Christmas. I know it's going to be hard but you can do
it. You have to do it. One way or another you've got to put this behind
you. And you won't be alone. I'll go with you."

"Thanks baby. I know you have some pretty horrible memories of Pop as
well."

"Don't remind me. So when do you think we should go? From what Gram said I
suppose it should be soon."

"Gram suggested tomorrow evening. She said she and Mama spend the afternoon
with him but they leave about seven after feeding him his dinner. Gram said
if I got there after that I wouldn't run into anyone else from the family."

Billy

I actually had a minor version of one of my old nightmares that night. I
was three years old again and Pop had me in a choke hold. I woke up in a
cold sweat, trembling, having trouble breathing. I was completely
disoriented in the dark. Danny pulled me toward him, lay me down on my side
and spooned me from behind. He felt so good, so reassuring, just like the
old days back in the dorm. I soon fell asleep again and woke up still in
his arms.

I have no idea what I taught in school the next day. My mind was a million
miles away from English. I didn't know if I could face Pop and I just
wanted to get it over. On the way home I thought about getting off the
train in East Orange and walking to the hospital except that would have put
me there too early. Mama would be there and there was no way I was up for a
confrontation with her so I went on home and had supper with the
family. Not that I was able to eat anything. Afterward Danny and I drove to
the hospital.

When we stopped at the nurses' station for directions to Pop's room the
nurse tried to talk me out of seeing him.

"Visitor's hours are nearly over and his family was here most of the
day. He's pretty tired now. Maybe you should come back tomorrow a little
earlier. The family will be here then."

"I am family. He's my father and I'd like to see him now."

"Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't know he had a son. Of course you can see
him. Maybe your friend should wait out here, though."

"No, he's family, too."

She frowned but pointed the way to the room. Danny and I walked down the
hall and stopped just outside the door.

"Maybe I should wait out here, Billy. It might be worse if I go in there
with you. He never liked me and after our last encounter..."

"No, Dan, you've got to go in with me. I can't do this alone. I'm scared to
death as it is. Please help me."

I grabbed his hand as I led the way through the door. I think it was half a
desperate need for comfort and support and half a bit of bravado, of
defiance. Pop was lying in the bed by the door but I almost didn't
recognize him at first. He looked so small. He had always been a big man, a
couple of inches taller than me and maybe forty pounds heavier. His
aggressive personality had made him seem even bigger. Lying in that bed he
looked like a shrunken version of the man I remembered. He had lost a lot
of weight and he had a defeated, helpless look on his face. He struggled to
turn his head toward the doorway as we walked in. His eyes opened wide as
he recognized me. He glanced at Danny, looked down at our joined hands for
a second, then looked back into my eyes. I seemed rooted to the spot,
unable to move and unable to say anything.

We just stared at each other for what seemed an eternity. He didn't seem to
be able to move or speak either, though I soon realized that was more due
to the stroke than the surprise of my appearance. Finally, his right hand
fluttered a little bit toward me. He swallowed a few times and seemed to be
trying to say something. It came out garbled and slurred. I inched closer
to him. He looked frustrated but kept trying to talk. I leaned in to him
and strained my ears trying to figure out what he was trying to
say. Finally, I got it. He was saying one word over and over.

"Sorry."

I nearly burst into tears. All of the anger and hate I'd been keeping
bottled up inside me was suddenly gone. I didn't know exactly what he
meant, what was sorry for, but this was a man who had never apologized to
anyone for anything as far back as I could remember.

I let go of Danny's hand and took Pop's hand in mine. He gave my hand just
the slightest squeeze. I looked him in the eyes.

"It's okay, Pop. It's okay."

A tear ran from the corner of his eye. He tried to smile but it came out
lopsided. He looked over at Danny again and I felt his hand twitch. With my
free hand I reached behind me for Danny.

"Come over here, Dan."

Danny stepped up next to me and I put my arm around his waist. Pop looked
up at Danny and gave that crooked little smile again. He nodded his head
just a tiny bit and sighed.

After a few seconds he closed his eyes and I realized he'd dropped off to
sleep. We waited a few minutes but he didn't wake up again so we quietly
left the room and went down to the parking lot. Danny drove, as usual, and
I just stared out the window into the night, thinking about what had just
happened. Neither of us said a word all the way home. We pulled into the
driveway and Danny shut off the engine and lights. We just sat there in the
dark for a few minutes.

"So do you forgive him, Billy?"

"I don't know, Danny. I do know that the man in that bed is not the same
man who beat me all those times when I was a kid. He's not the same man who
attacked me that day five years ago. He's dying and he's sorry. I can't
ever forget what he did but I can't keep hating him for it either. Forgive
him? I don't know. Maybe. Maybe in time."

Danny

Billy was quiet the rest of the evening and at breakfast the next morning
as well. I didn't know if he was going to want to go back to the hospital
that night but I made sure I had supper ready before he got home just in
case. He was no more than in the door when the telephone rang. It was Gram
again. Billy talked to her for a few minutes and jotted down some
notes. After he hung up he kept his hand on the phone and just stared at
the wall for a minute.

"What is it, Billy?"

"He's gone, Danny. He went in his sleep a couple of hours ago."

I stepped up behind Billy and wrapped my arms around him, pulling him to
me. After a few seconds he turned around and hugged me tight. He buried his
head in my neck and shoulder and I could feel his body convulse. His tears
trickled down my neck and back. Charles walked in from the hallway, stopped
short, did an about-face and left the room. Billy and I just stood there
like that a while, holding each other tight. Finally his grasp loosened a
bit and he stepped back, grabbed a tissue from the box on the counter and
blew his nose.

"Sorry, babe, I didn't expect that reaction. I guess I've had a lot of
emotions bottled up inside me for a while."

"It's only natural, Billy. In spite of everything, he was your
father. There were good times, too. Part of you loved him."

"Yeah, and I know he loved me, too, as much as he could anyway."

Over supper I asked Billy about the arrangements.

"They're having viewings at the funeral home tomorrow and Friday, then the
funeral will be Saturday morning at Mt. Zion Baptist Church. That's Mama's
doing. The last time Pop was in a church was when they were married."

"So what do you want to do about it?"

"I want to go to the funeral itself, I think. In a way, Pop and I said
goodbye last night, but funerals can give closure and I think I still need
that."

"You don't want to go to the funeral home?"

"No, that would be too intense. That's all about the family getting
together to share their grief. My presence would really disrupt things. I'm
not sure I could deal with that anyway. At least at the church it's all
about the service and not socializing. We might even get in and out without
having to talk to anyone."

"I doubt it, Billy. You're gonna cause quite a stir showing up."

"You mean we, Danny. No way I can do this alone. I need your support and I
want them all to see us together, to know you're my family now."

"Of course, Billy. I was assuming I'd go but it's up to you.

We got to the church a little before ten Saturday morning and I parked the
car about half a block away. Billy made no move to get out of the car.

"Are you sure you're all right, baby?"

"Yeah, so far so good, Danny. I just want to wait until the last minute to
make sure everyone else is already in there. I don't want to have to talk
to anyone before the thing starts."

We sat there and watched as people went into the church. Finally, we got
out of the car and approached the building ourselves. Billy stopped at the
door and gave me a nervous smile.

"This is it, ready or not."

We hesitated and looked around just inside the door. The church was about
half full with most of the people near the middle. I recognized Gram and
Mrs. Matthews from the back in the front pew. Some people were looking our
way and a few obviously recognized Billy. Whispers started spreading
through the church. Billy grabbed my hand and led me to a seat in the next
to the last pew. His mother turned just as we sat down. From the shocked
look on her face Gram obviously hadn't told her we were coming.

Just then the minister came in and everyone turned to face forward and
stopped whispering. I don't think either of us heard much of what was said
during the service. Billy gripped my hand tightly throughout. As soon as it
ended we slipped out the back. Billy looked around nervously.

"I really don't want to talk to anyone but I do want to see Gram. I'm not
sure if we can catch her alone when everyone comes out."

We stood off to one side and watched as people left the church. The last
ones out were Mrs. Matthews and Gram, accompanied by a thirtyish looking
couple with a little boy. They stood together near the hearse as the casket
was brought out and loaded into the back. Gram bent down and said something
to the little boy and he broke away and walked over to us. He was a cute
little kid, maybe six or seven years old. He looked nervously at me for a
second and then turned to Billy tentatively.

"Excuse me, is your name Billy?"

Before Billy could say anything the man standing by the hearse with the
family looked over at us and called out.

"Will! Get over here! Now!"

The little boy looked scared.

"Gram said to be sure to come to the cemetery," he blurted. "She wants to
see you."

He turned and ran back to the family.

"Who was that, Billy?"

"My nephew, apparently. I haven't seen him since he was a baby but that's
my sister and brother-in-law with Mama and Gram. It looks like we're going
to the cemetery."

We joined in the procession of cars and followed them to the cemetery. Many
of the people who had been at the church didn't come so it was harder to
blend in with the smaller crowd, not that I could have anyway. We stood
apart from the others for the brief graveside service. As soon as it ended
Gram came over to us and hugged and kissed us both. I noticed several
frowns as she did.

"Don't mind them, boys. You have more right to be here than most of
them. It's so good to see you both. You're a beautiful sight for these old
eyes."

"You look great, too, Gram."

"I want you to come to your sister's house, William. Everyone is going
there for something to eat."

"I don't think that's a good idea, Gram. I'm sure nobody wants us there."
Billy obviously didn't want to go but he had a hard time saying no to Gram.

"Nonsense, boy. I want you there. That's enough. Now follow us to the
house."