Date: Thu, 23 Feb 2006 22:27:12 -0800 (PST)
From: Kylie Maddison <kylie2mc@yahoo.com>
Subject: Looking Deeper- chapter 4

                         Looking Deeper
                             Chapter 4

                  The Definition of Justice


     Clay. I definitely wasn't expecting this. At
first, I thought perhaps Joe had taken off after me,
but then realized how foolish a thought that was. Big
Joes didn't care about me, why would he waste his time
running after me? But then this just confused me even
more.

Why would Clay waste his time to come after me? He
liked me even less than Joe did. That much was obvious
when I walked into the `fucking room' and he looked
over me like I was less than human. The way he was
looking at me now, though, was a huge contrast to the
one he'd given me in the back in the `fucking room'.
He looked regretful; almost sad. I wondered why that
was. And then I remembered I was STILL crying. God, it
just wasn't going to stop! It was frustrating and I
tried to get a hold on my emotions but that just made
me start sobbing in earnest.

Clay was at a loss as to what to do. Should he hold
the crying boy and comfort him? But wouldn't that make
him a pansy? However, watching Trey sob like this
pulled at his heartstrings and Clay quicly opened the
door to Trey's car, got in, and pulled Trey in with
him. After he was sure noone could see them; after
all, Clay had a reputation to protect, and on the
streets, holding a white boy, or any boy for that
matter, while he cried was one of the lowest things a
man can do. Clay just held Trey, letting him sob.

"Shhhh, shhhh, guy. It's okay." The words of comfort
were awkward as Clay was not used to consoling people,
but they were in no way forced. The only other time
Clay could ever remember having to do this for someone
else was when he held Dante, his little brother, when
Dante's best friend was shot and killed in a random
drive-by while playing basketball. That's just how it
is on the streets; fair or not, that's the way it is
and Clay was used to loss, and revenge he reminded
himself.

The night Dante had come to him in his sorrow, Clay
swore to himself he would get revenge. Weeks, and then
months went by, and Clay became obsessed with trying
to find his brother's best friend's killers. It was in
those months that Clay got his reputation of being a
ruthless, cold blooded killer.

 When he finally found the source of Dante's hurt, he
annihilated them. Sure, it was against the law, but
the law didn't exactly save Dante's childhood friend
now did it? No, it didn't even give a damn. The murder
wasn't even recognized outside of the hood in which he
lived. While other people were living safe in their
comfortable homes under their secure rooftops, an
innocent fourteen year old boy was murdered. And the
law didn't give half a shit, so Clay sought his own
source of justice.
It was another strangled sob that brought Clay to the
present, and he realized Trey was beginning to calm
down.

"Hey man, you aiight?" Clay was surprised at his
voice; it sounded uncertain. If Clay was one thing, it
wasn't uncertain. He was confident; almost arrogant at
times, so the uncertainty he was feeling just then was
confusing to him.

"I'm sorry."  I said, now feeling humiliated over the
fact that I had just cried in the arms of a guy who
couldn't stand me. Clay just looked at me.

"Hey man, it's all good. But what was up with that?
You just came in and then ran out? Big Joe was pretty
pissed."

"I don't care." I said quietly;  disgusted that I even
went to Big Joe in the first place. What had I been
thinking? "He just wants a good fuck. I hate him."

Clay laughed and I felt myself go red.

"What?" I asked, slightly annoyed he was laughing.

"So, you're a good fuck then?" He asked in a low,
husky voice.

I went redder and broke eye cotact. I decided I really
had to watch what I say around Clay.

Clay must have noticed my discomfort because he gave
me a tight squeeze that had him looking extremely
uncomfortable as I fought off the sudden urge to hug
him back.

"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said that Trey."

I looked him right in the eyes, and found myself
getting lost in them.

"Will you kiss me?" As soon as the words were out of
my mouth, I regretted them. I looked down ashamed at
myself, but not before I saw Clay's eyes widen in
surprise. I decided that the car was way too confining
a space, and that some fresh air would be nice. I
quickly scrambled out of Clay's lap, threw open the
door, and jumped out. Clay didn't hesitate to follow.

Clay was shocked when Trey asked him for a kiss, but
he wasn't entirely opposed to the idea. He was a
clear, logical thinker and had accepted that he was
gay years ago. However, just because he knew what he
was didn't mean he had the freedom to act on his
sexuality. He was from the hood, and gay men just
don't exist there, and if they do, they stay hidden
deep in the closet. Clay himself has a girlfriend. But
the first time he laid his eyes on Trey, Clay felt an
instant attraction to him that he'd never experienced
before and found he did want to kiss him. Before he
could say anything though, Trey turned to face Clay.

"I'm sorry." I rushed out, scared that Clay would try
to beat me or something. Clay wasn't gay and I knew
that having a gay guy hit on him had to piss him off.
"I shouldn't have done that. I mean, I know I'm gay
and everything, but that doesn't mean...I
mean...uhhhh, I'm sorry okay? Really, really, sorry.
You're not going to kill me are you?"

Clay just laughed at the absurdity of my question as I
stared at him increulously. I just asked him to kiss
me! Me! A gay guy, and he's not trying to pound me
into the ground? I sighed in relief.

However, when Clay's face suddenly got more serious
than I'd ever seen him, and he started walking towards
me; I started to panic, but couldn't bring myself to
run away. I was frozen in fear and closed my eyes
tightly, lowering my head as I bit my lip waiting for
the blows to come.

They didn't. Instead, the next thing I know, a rough,
calloused hand is gently raising my head and I
flinched but allowed Clay to tilt my head back a
little. I was too afraid of what he would do if I
didn't let him. He'd probably beat me into the ground.
When I felt his soft lips on my own, my eyes flew open
and I almost pushed away from him. That is, until Clay
wrapped his arm around my waist and pulled me
impossibly close to him.

By body went wild at the contact, and I closed my eyes
again as he chuckled lightly at my growing erection.
My only defense being I've never kissed before and the
sensation of his lips on mine was incredibly arousing.
Sure, Joe fucks me all the time, but he's never kissed
me or allowed me to kiss him, and the one time I tried
simply out of curiosity, he beat the living shit out
of me and I never tried to do so again.

Clay began to lick and suck at my lips, obviously
wanting entrance to my mouth. I didn't deny him and as
I opened my mouth, he slipped in. I moaned loudly, and
felt Clay's lips widen in a smile when he heard me.

He began to kiss me deeply as his tongue explored
every inch of my mouth. This being my first kiss, I
wasn't exactly sure what to do. I unassuredly rubbed
my tongue against his and this time he moaned; it was
my turn to smile. I kept doing that for a couple
seconds because he obviously liked it. I was totally
unprepared when he sucked my tongue into this mouth
and we were pulled closer together; if that were even
humanly possible.

We abruptly broke the kiss when we heard loud whistles
and the words `dirty fags' thrown our way. I pulled
out of my cloudy haze almost instantly and looked up
at Clay. He looked pissed and I shrank back away from
him. I couldn't get very far, however, because I was
backed up against my car.

"I'm sorry." I whispered, but he was silent. "Look, I
didn't mean for this to happen," I tried again to
reason with him. When he didn't respond, I decided I
would try just one last time.

"Clay?" Nothing. He didn't say a word, but he did
reach around me to open the car door, but not before
he shoved me out of the way.

"Drive." It was the only thing he said after climbing
in, and roughly pulled me back into the driver's seat.
I didn't hesitate to start my car. He was still bigger
and even if we did just kiss, it wasn't looking like
he would hesitate to beat me into the ground at the
moment; God knows he looked angry enough.

The silence was deafening and my nerves were put on
edge. I quickly stole a glance at Clay. He was stiff
and seemed to be almost confused with what had just
happened. I thought his reaction was frustrating. He
had obviously liked the kiss; he had inititated it in
fact! So why was he so angry all of a sudden? I
couldn't make head or toe out of his reactions and it
annoyed me.  I decided to break the silence but Clay
got to it before I could.

"Look, this never happened okay?"

Okay, what the hell? No seriously, what the fuck? The
guy had just given me my first kiss and now he wanted
to pretend it didn't happen. I glanced over at him
again and this time my face clearly showed my
frustration.

"Trey-"

"Fine!" I cut him off. "It never happened. We'll just
pretend you don't know me and I dont know you. Things
will go back to normal. Happy?" I was so angry at this
point, and a little hurt. Why? I wasn't sure. It
wasn't like I loved him or anything. Hell, I didn't
even LIKE the guy, so where was the hurt coming from?
I honestly didn't know and it just made my head pound
to think about it, so I didn't.

Clay must have noticed my anger because he was looking
at me kind of funny. Like he was regretting what he
had just said, but his next words crushed any hope for
that.

"Good. It's just..." he trailed off and turned away
from me to stare out the window.

"It's just what, Clay?" I said, decidng not to let him
off the hook that easily.

"It's better this way. You don't know me and I don't
know you. Lets just keep it that way, okay?" His voice
was hard, and made-up apparently. I just nodded,
kicking myself for even wanting the asshole to kiss
me.
It was just a kiss. That's all. It didn't matter that
it was my first or that it was the most amazing thing
I'd ever felt in my entire life. In the end, it was
still just a stupid, little kiss that meant absolutely
nothing to me. Just like he meant nothing to me. In
fact, he meant so little to me that I decided I was
never going to talk to him again. Ever.

"Am I not good enough for you or something." Open
mouth, insert foot. It was that easy! Or, at least, it
should have been. Why couldn't I just stick to my plan
of never talking to him again?

"What?" he asked, looking at me completely confused.

"It's because of Joe isn't it?" I aked quietly as a
new horror finally dawned on me.

"What are you talking about?" he sounded annoyed now,
and he was still completely confused, if his blank
stare was any indication.

"You don't like me because of what I do, right? That's
the reason you got mad when you kissed me isn't it?"
Slowly, all the pieces were beginning to fit and I
found my voice rising to a near shout. "You think I'm
some kind of fucking low-life cunt, don't you? God, I
can't believe I let you kiss me!" I said, wiping my
mouth like I had just eaten something vile.

"What the hell are you talking about?! When did I ever
call you were a `lowlife' Trey? When?" Clay shouted
back. Sure, he didn't like what Trey did, but it
wasn't like he didn't understand it. He knew tons of
girls in his neighborhood who did the same thing. It
was survival; how could he look down on someone who
was fighting to survive? What Trey was saying just
wasn't making any sense, and it was beginning to piss
him off.

"That first night you met me, you did! You said, and I
quote `what kind of man does that?' You said I wasn't
a man and you called me a pussy! Does that ring a bell
Clay? Huh?"

"Shit, Trey. When I realized the kind of `deal', if
you can even call it that, you had with Joe, I was
pissed. I was pissed you were selling yourself to
someone like Big Joe. He's an asshole and treats you
like shit. Why do you do this to yourself, man?!"

"That's none of your business, asshole. Besides I
don't have to tell you shit; it's not like you care
anyways."

I was half staring, half glaring at the road now. I
refused to look at Clay. I refused. I wasn't going to
do it. Nope, still wasn't gonna.

Aww, shit.

I gave in. Clay was staring at me with an incredulous
look on his face when I briefly turned to glare at
him. My glare faltered and it was my turn to look
confused. He didn't care. Or maybe...NO! He didn't. I
was sure of it; if anything Clay thought I was just
easy ass.

"Pull over here."

"No." I responded defiantly. I was not going to let
him tell me what to do whily we were in MY car.

"I'm not kidding, Trey. PULL OVER NOW!" His tone was
dripping with authority and I found myself holding on
stronger to my resolve not to pull over; or do
anything he wanted for that matter.

"Why should I?"

"Look around you, Trey. Do you even recognize where we
are? Downtown Chicago. White boys like you are like
appetizers for the boys in this place man. They see
you driving `round here, you'll get fucked up faster
that you can blink. Now pull over and let me drive or
do I get to pick out your tombstone?"

I wasn't sure if it was the word appetizers or
tombstone, but whichever one it was, it had me pulling
over. I was about to climb out of the car to change
seats with Clay when he roughly pulled my are back
away from the door. He must have seen my confusion as
I looked at him because he started to explain.

"Get out of this car in those clothes, that white skin
of yours, and that hair, and you'll be wishing you
were dead. This is what we call the hood Trey. Most
people here don't like white boys, especially white
boys that look like you."

"So, how are you supposed to drive then?" I asked, and
the way he stared at me would make you think I'd just
asked him to shoot his own dog.

"Are you stupid? No, really?" He asked again when I
shot him a look, clearly telling him I wasn't
laughing. "Dude, look, it's not that hard." Clay then
opened his door, got out and walked over to my side of
the car.

"Skoot." He asked, but to me it sounded more like an
order and I felt the urge to argue with him again. I
take orders from noone, but seeing where I was I knew
that arguing was definitely not in my best interest. I
moved over in quiet defeat; fuming and wondering just
exactly how I had managed to get us stuck in the
middle of downtown Chicago.  My worry turned into
curiosity a couple minutes later when I realized that
Clay knew his way around downtown Chicago like I knew
the back of my hand.

"So you come here often, Clay?" I asked, wondering if
that was why he knew the area so well. His laughter
perplexed me further and didn't help to answer my
question at all.
"What?" I asked when he simply grinned at me, shaking
his head.

Clay looked over at me, barely paying attention to the
road. His amusement was showing clearly in his eyes
when he said, "I live here, Trey. So yeah, I guess you
could say I come here often."

"Oh." I said embarassed and feeling stupid. Those
feelings intensified when I heard him laugh again. He
had a nice laugh. Almost musical..

...Wait! I did not just think that. I mean sure, it
was loud, deep and throaty, and totally sexy
but...Crap this could not get any worse. I was
noticing every little thing about Clay; like the sexy
way he laughed, or the way his eyes flashed when he
got angry, or the way they seemed to light up when he
smiled. Even the way they seemed to get ten shades
darker when he was kissing me. God, I did not just
think that, did I? Damn.

I looked over Clay for about the hundredth time that
night and he was smirking at me and I blushed! He
laughed again and I went redder! This was just fucking
ridiculous I decided. I was acting like some shy
school girl that had just discovered the opposite sex.
It was sickening really. Now I know how Kyle feels
when we tease him about John, and I smiled at the
thought.

I began to wonder what the guys would think of Clay.
Would they like him? Hate him? It was obvious Clay
didn't look like the type of guy to hang with us
goths, but maybe, with some gentle persuasion I could
get the guys to open up to him. But then I was brought
back down to earth when I realized Clay didn't want
that. He wanted to pretend everything was normal. He
wanted nothing to do with me! Wow, that was a sobering
thought, and I decided to confront Clay about it.

"Did you mean it when you said you wanted to
pretend...THAT didn't happen?" I asked, and he sighed.

"You can say kiss, Trey. It's not a dirty word you
know." He replied quietly.

So, he was ignoring my questin then, huh? Well he
could try but I was digging for answers here and I was
alot more stubborn than he was; at least I hoped I
was.

"Don't avoid my question Clay. Were you serious when
you said that?"

"Trey-" he started warily, but I stopped him before he
could go any further.

"It's simple; did you mean it? Yes or no?" I asked
again and this time my voice had a bitter edge that
didn't sound like me.

"Yes...no. God, I don't know Trey."

"How can you not know Clay? I mean come on!"

"Trey, we don't even know each other, man! All I know
about you is you let Joe and guys like Joe, fuck you!
Oh and yeah, I'm going to your school. Other than
that, nothing! And what do you know about me?! Other
that I'm gay, what?!"

I went silent for a moment. He was right; I didn't
know anything about him, but was it such a crime that
I wanted to get to know him? Was it a crime that I
felt comfortable with him? Was it really so bad that I
trusted him? And then it hit me.

"I trust you." It was all I could say and he just
gaped, wide-eyed and open-mouthed at me.

"What the hell does that have to do with anything? Are
you completely crazy? You don't know me and yet you
trust me. How does that make any sense?!"

"First off, it has everything to do with this. And
second, you're right it doesn't make any sense at all.
I know that. I just met you, what? Yesterday? And you
hang out with Big Joe, who I hate with a passion, so
usually I wouldn't like you any more than him, but I
don't know. I'm so confused." I said, putting my head
in my hands. It really didn't make sense. Maybe I was
just that screwed up.

"Look Trey, Big Joe and I aren't friends. We are
strictly business partners. Understand?"

"Uhhh, no. Not really. I mean is this like a family
business? You're still in high school, so how can you
have a business?" I asked, seriously perplexed. Clay
did nothing to ease my confusion when he smiled.

"You're so naive."

I took immediate offense to that. If I was anything,
it was not naive.

"I am not!" I shrieked haughtily, but my curiosity got
the better of me. "What did you mean, though, by
`business partners'?"

Clay laughed in that loud and deep laugh of his and I
thought I was going to go insane. Maybe I already was.
I sighed.

"If you haven't figured that out yet, then I'm not
going to tell you." He threw a huge, shit-eating grin
my way and I scowled in response.

"Fine. Be a dick."

Clay just grinned wider and my jaw clenched tighter in
response.